Now I’ll show you another crown, in a letter.

People wearing such crowns always fall in love with stars. And they live in dreams all their lives.

I'm almost sure that this is not the first love star of the author of the letter.

This is not the worst case yet, there are letters where there is nothing to even understand, complete fantasies. But even here the crown sparkles and shimmers with stones, preventing the author from building real relationships.

Read this endlessly long letter (the length also testifies to the crown, it seems that every detail is very important), if not too lazy, and sort it out, please.

fanny_and_alex

Evolution, hello!

I am 30 years old, I am a journalist, divorced, and have a child. A year ago I fell in love and decided to go fishing. I failed to catch the fishing object, but I can’t let go of the situation, there is an illusion that I can change something. I ask you to sort out the story in order to understand which of my actions was really fishing and which were rotten eggs from under the crown. Where mistakes were made in strategy, and where actions were correct, or maybe I was a “fisherman in a crown” everywhere.

A year ago I became interested in an actress, let it be K. I have experience in relationships with heterosexual women, but in this situation I understood that first you just need to get into a social circle, make friends, and then as things go, maybe something will work out more. Moreover, among my friends this pattern of friendship between actors and journalists is a very common story. This K. is widely known in theatrical circles and beyond, and is also known for her closeness from the world and immersion in work. I am a journalist and PR specialist, so creating a common field was not difficult for me. In total, during the year we did 4 joint projects: one commercial shooting for a famous fashion brand and three interviews with shooting for online and print publications.

(This is it - I fell in love and decided to go fishing. For whom? For a person with a higher HP and a completely different orientation. Even a man does not need a woman with a lower HP, but why does a heterosexual woman need such a woman? But the crown whispers “take what you want, queen ")

The first shoot became an acquaintance: we talked a lot about the theater, I received from K. a very good assessment of my knowledge in this area. The shooting was commercial, but on barter terms (the heroes were rewarded not with money, but with brand products). The reward that K. chose exceeded the amount that we discussed before the shoot, but I wanted to please K. too much, so I paid the difference myself and gave her exactly the item that she wanted and collected. I was lucky enough to present the reward myself, although this is usually done by couriers. I wanted to see how happy K. would be when she received exactly the thing she wanted, plus use this as an additional reason for the meeting.

(The newly minted fisherman begins by pouring money into an indifferent person. She started with the food. Well done. As a result, she dug herself a hole and created a gestalt from which she cannot crawl out)

K. was surprised, delighted and immediately put this thing on herself. I was very pleased to see this. She suggested that I make invitations to the premiere. At the end of the meeting, K. said that her audiobook had recently been released, took it out of the car and gave it to me. I said that the release of an audiobook is an excellent opportunity for an interview. She replied that it would be great to talk about her.

After some time, I wrote that one publication wanted to do an interview with her on the occasion of the release of the audiobook and asked me to become the author of the material, so if K. doesn’t mind, we’ll see each other again on the set soon. She thanked me for the “amazing peonies” (I had been to her performance before) and for listening to the book (I wrote to her about this earlier). She said it was “very important” for her.

(Why can’t you start with food? Because a person who is indifferent to you feels obligated and is forced to reduce your importance even more so as not to pay anything. Well, the remainder is expressed in pleasantries that you take for balls and grow his figure)

We started a grandiose shoot, logistically complex, but in the end very beautiful: in the setting July sun, in an old estate, in fantastic outfits. K. was incredible, I admired and died from beauty) During the filming, the photographer and I had a short argument (I helped him block the sunlight so that it would not fall into the heroine’s eyes, and he somehow ironically commented on it). K. made a remark to the photographer. I was pleased that she stood up for me. During the interview, we again talked about the theater, exchanged stories, K. at some point complimented my jewelry and took me by the forearm. I probably should have behaved more confidently or boldly at that moment, like asking for a visit like Cinderella in the last episode, but I didn’t do anything like that and didn’t hook her.

(Asking to visit a person who feels strongly obliged is a great move, nothing to say. The poor guy would have to squeeze out smiles and pleasantries. The author’s importance would go from zero to negative)

After reading the finished interview, she thanked her for the good text and said that this was a rare case when she liked it. I sent photos for approval, she said that she usually doesn’t like to take pictures, but here she really liked it, and that I should choose photos to my taste. After the release of the material, K. wrote again that all her relatives and colleagues were delighted with the material and offered to buy tickets for another premiere. She wanted to thank for the publication, which was also useful for her, and she did it as best she could and skillfully.

A few months later I offered her another shoot. By this moment, I had grown her figure too much in the field and began to float in the illusions of my importance. It seemed to me that there was already something more between us, although it was politeness and courtesy on her part.

(Not just politeness, but a desire to somehow show gratitude. Food is a very dangerous tool in stupid hands)

The project team and I began to disagree about the format, but I felt responsible for the project in which I offered to participate in an actress of such magnitude, I was nervous, afraid of upsetting her and turned on the navigator bug with her and with them. Among other things, I tried very hard to hide my admiration. All this time, my leitmotif was “don’t scare away, be tactful and don’t violate boundaries.” During the interview, she asked twice if everything was okay with me and if anything had happened. I joked that it was just my face, not very friendly, which is why people often ask me why I’m dissatisfied again. But she replied that this was not so, and it seemed to her as if something had happened and could she not help in any way? Here I should have thrown a hook or a ball, but I was afraid that a rotten egg would come out, so I politely said that everything was fine.

(Throw a hook, yes. I can imagine what it would look like. A hook from under the crown always looks like being bombarded with eggs from a position on top with a mysterious face.)

After this project, she began busy filming and we didn’t communicate for a long time. Before the New Year, I bought my parents and I tickets for one performance, but there weren’t enough seats for me. I asked K. to make one invitation. She made a good place and called before the performance to make sure everything was ok. I had a New Year's gift for her, and I asked to meet after the performance. We met, she hugged and kissed me in a friendly manner for the first time and said how glad she was to see you. I gave her vintage Chanel jewelry because I already knew that she collected such things. Yes, the gift is more expensive than the boundaries allow, but, as in the situation with the first shoot, I really wanted to please her and give her something that she would definitely appreciate.

(She will appreciate the gift, let’s say. But what does this have to do with you? She’s not a prostitute)

She said that she was not used to this level, we again chatted about this and that, she asked how the performance was for me, again gave me some kind of compliment, and five minutes after parting she sent a message that “a cosmic gift” and that “ saw me and was glad that we knew each other.”

A week later, I called her to the premiere at another theater, she replied that she couldn’t, and that I should go and have a look and tell her whether it was worth going or not. And she also added me to the “special guest list”, and it would be nice and easy for her to make tickets for me, to which I politely refused and replied that I go too often for such an offer, and I’m glad to do the box office for my favorite theater. I was frozen by her refusal to come with me to the theater, from under the crown I decided that she couldn’t, but simply didn’t want to go with me, so beautiful.

(This is not from under the crown. She really didn’t want to go with you. Why would she do that?)

A month later, I decided to find another reason for communication and perhaps a field, and asked her to recommend me a speech teacher (I often interview stars and feel the need to improve my speech apparatus for greater self-confidence). She gave me the contact of a very famous teacher and director, and after that she asked me a couple of times how things were going with the classes.

So the winter passed, March came, I calmed down, completely changed my image, cut my hair, bought new clothes, set up my mood. And in the spring, together with the editor-in-chief of a magazine, I came up with a super-project for K. 10 pages of photographs and a long interview. It had to be a bomb. I didn’t write to K. directly, as the magazine’s producer took care of all the organization. I showed up at the interview stage, with a new hairstyle, red lipstick, in a state of mind, without a “what happened?” face, but with very good energy. K. was very surprised (pleasantly, it seemed to me) to see me at the appointed time. During the interview, I was enjoying myself and her, and K. kept interrupting our conversation with remarks like “no, how good is your haircut! No, how good is your lipstick!”

(And most importantly, she was happy that you got rid of her and didn’t appear for a long time)

We talked for a very long time and it turned out to be our best and deepest interview of all time)) About age, about the fear of losing what you have, about isolation and fear of the outside world, about self-doubt. She asked my opinion about certain productions, and at some point we just silently looked at Moscow from the windows of her dressing room)) I admired her, and she seemed to admire me)

(I just admired you. Every heterosexual woman dreams of someone like you)

It was great. It seemed to me that for the first time I had an exchange of energy with her, I came out filled and happy, and not empty and insecure. Yes, I came to the interview with flowers, supposedly to support her during the difficult release of a new play. She said that I was spoiling her, I joked, not without tweezers, that she was probably already tired of me (I give almost every time I come to a performance with her participation), she answered without coquetry: “No, I’m not tired of you.” .

(She answered seriously, because she didn’t think it was a joke. You’re stalking her again and you’re not really tired of her yet, but you’re already annoying, otherwise she would have said that she was interested and pleased, and not just not tired of her)

This is what happened next. I sent the interview for approval, and in response she sent a message that “we should have talked about women and my “preferences.” It would have been provocative.” I went nuts and offered to finish. She called me in the middle of the night, the only time she could talk, and dictated an answer about what kind of women she liked. I asked in what sense “like”? She replied that if we write for a magazine, then write that you just like it. And according to the description, it was me (although maybe she didn’t mean me at all, or maybe she just made it up and decided to play around), so I couldn’t find anything to answer except: “Well, it looks like I’m perfect for you.” ". To which she replied: “Well then, describe yourself and insert it into the main text, and I’ll park, I’ve already arrived.”

(Poor woman. She decided that she had to answer at least something to the fan who was in love with her)

In the crown, of course, I decided that this was a tackle and some hint of reciprocity. To say that I was happy is to say nothing. I flew, not walked. Deciding that this was a step on her part, I decided to respond and wrote a short metaphorical note about love, about the fleeting nature of happiness, about the fact that not a single love that happens is worth the anticipation. Everything without names or pronouns, without confessions, just abstractly about love. She did not answer, although before that I had mistakenly sent her a note of a similar nature, and she immediately wrote that it was very beautiful. Then I sent an apology for the too personal message and made the excuse that I’m not friends with alcohol (stupidity, yes). She didn't answer again.

(Well, as usual in such cases, when the plus says some kindness out of pity, the minus rushes to the attack, scaring the plus to death. The pluses, don’t be nice, have more respect for the minuses, they always have a crown and they think they are magnificent , that is, there is no point in pity. And there are no disadvantages without a crown)

A week later, I organized the premiere of the film and invited her to the event. She answered very briefly that she couldn’t - it was a rehearsal. I’m wearing a crown, in panic and horror, the next day I call her and say that it seems to me that she misunderstood me, that I offended her with my love letter and would not want to end our wonderful project on such a note. He answered very coldly that I was paying too much attention to a non-existent problem and yes, of course, we’ll end on a good note (with an emphasis on “let’s finish”). I was very upset, the illusion of my importance collapsed, not a trace remained of my flights: corona, hello!

A month later I put my feelings in order. Well, I was mistaken, well, I interpreted the coincidence of circumstances in my favor, everyone can make mistakes. I went to the theater to admire her again, I really really liked her just like that, without any reciprocity, and most of all I loved giving her flowers and it brought me (and brings) enormous pleasure. She thanked me, wrote “thank you for the incredible flowers,” and a little later wrote that the other day she talked with another journalist and was once again convinced that I was “a rare case in this matter.” I thanked him for the rating and asked when the premiere of the play they were currently producing would premiere. And she added that there was one performance that she once asked me to watch in a previous conversation and tell me my opinion about, until I watched it. About the premiere, she said that she would definitely invite her, and about that other performance, that she was interested in my opinion about it, and added in a separate word: “Very.”

But K. didn’t invite me to the first pre-premiere show. As she later said, she was afraid it was damp. As a result, I myself bought a ticket to the official premiere and asked for an audience to congratulate her on the premiere personally. She came to me between post-premiere interviews, keeping the cameras waiting, and asked me to write in detail how I liked the performance. I wrote her a rather long analysis, admired her new facets and game (I must say, quite often after her thanks for the flowers I write something similar, notice some new heights she has taken or simply thank her for her incredible game. Yes, I mean in the theater, since I’ve been writing about culture for 10 years, but after a series of posts about fishing, I’m wondering if they were rotten eggs, considering that my SZ is not super big for her, or is it still big, taking into account her requests? I don’t understand? ).

(Well, how can you understand, in such a crown? Your SZ for her ranges from zero in your non-sticky period to a strong minus. But she agrees to use your food and services, because she believes that it is impolite not to eat when you are giving a treat. So many people They think they’re afraid to offend you with a refusal and eat. And you take breaks in the ear, and then again the ladle splashes on her plate and you’re glad that she’s eating)

She wrote that I saw the heroine very accurately, and after my analysis, “beautiful and accurate,” she felt calmer. After some time, she wrote to me again thanking me for our last super-project in the magazine. Allegedly, everyone who sees him is delighted, and she believes that this is my merit. I replied that this was only her merit, I just wrote down her words, and I did it better than others only because I admire and admire her in a special way.

After that there was a pause again, and a couple of months later the season closed, which coincided with her birthday (more precisely, her birthday was 3 days later). I decided, along with the season, to close the topic of K. for myself (a year has passed since our first shoot), but as a parting gift, give myself a gift and give her a very beautiful and thin bracelet with tiny emeralds. It seemed to me that she would like it and it would suit her very well. I didn’t see that this was my crown, with which I wanted to hit K., surprise with this ball, shout “look, look how great I love you” and get at least some kind of answer, and not at all “close the topic”. I spent a month in happiness, ordering this bracelet (it was made to order), writing a card for it (“open up to new things, do crazy things, don’t be afraid of anything”), imagining how she would unwrap the box and be delighted to wear it. But in reality it turned out that I threw an expensive rotten egg at her)) I told her to open the gift on her birthday, not earlier. She said that she was leaving to travel, but would definitely take him with her. She asked about my plans for the summer and again told me about my beauty (oh, my goodness)))

At her doctor’s office I was waiting for a text message from her. She didn’t write that day or 2 days later. I couldn’t stand it and wrote myself, saying, I’m looking forward to the review of the gift, did you like it? I was offended that she didn’t even write “thank you” out of politeness. She answered a day later (she almost always did not answer right away): “The bracelet is as beautiful and sophisticated as you. I’ll think about how to answer, but I have much less taste.” I didn’t understand what this meant, whether she liked him or not, but my crown was offended. Corona wanted K.'s joy, but received almost a reproach for my too good taste. WTF? I replied that I didn’t want this gift to oblige her to anything, and in general, emeralds were created for the color of her hair, so it didn’t take me too long to choose)) I wrote something stupid. She didn't answer. The last SMS was always with me, I got used to it.

I was never able to “close the topic”, and again I think, I wish I could start filming for the next premiere so that I can see each other again, and what if what happens?) I want to figure out my bugs and stop creating illusions that I’m a good fisherman, just I need to throw a couple more gifts, and then I’ll definitely be able to attract attention. Perhaps the analysis will help me learn to be more proactive and avoid mistakes in the future, including with men I like.

(Yes, he’s an excellent fisherman. He goes and feeds the fish, and also mixes himself with pieces of food. Fishing is what you need. Leave her alone already. If you are intrusive, she will send you away, you will have food in your teeth once a year, she will take it, of course. But what kind of strange hobby do you have?)

Photo: Sergey Galushko/Rusmediabank.ru

How often do we hear: “Come down to earth!”, “Take off your rose-colored glasses!”, “Look at things realistically!”

Those who “have their head in the clouds” in their attitude to life are condemned in every possible way by “realists” or, at best, look at them condescendingly. Is it really that bad to live in? Let's try to look at this from an unexpected angle.

For example, many people dream about something. Become an astronaut, get rich or marry a prince. Which often becomes the subject of jokes and irritation from others. Because the latter do not believe that this can really happen to a person.

“Good luck to you, Mr. Marriott!” - this strange phrase uttered by American astronaut Neil Armstrong before landing on the Moon has spread all over the world. Subsequently, at press conferences, Armstrong only laughed it off when asked what he actually meant. And only a few years later he finally told reporters: “I guess I can answer now. The fact is that Mr. Marriott recently died and I think I have the right to tell. As a child, I lived with my parents in a house with a large garden. Next door was the cottage in which Mr. Marriott's family lived. One day, when I was about ten years old, I was playing with a ball in the garden, I hit it hard, the ball flew over the fence and fell right under the windows of the neighbor’s house. Without thinking twice, I climbed into the neighboring yard, went to pick up my ball, and from the open window I heard Mrs. Marriott say to Mr. Marriott: “Darling, you will get oral sex from me when the neighbor boy walks on the moon!”
Of course, Mrs. Marriott meant that she would never give her husband what he wanted. And it never occurred to her that one day what she was talking about would happen...

When I decided to enter a creative university, many relatives and friends were skeptical about this idea. It was the 80s of the last century, it was budgetary, there was a huge competition for admission to humanities universities, and our family had no connections in this area... We were assured that without cronyism there was nothing to do in such places, that either a personal acquaintance with teachers and members of the admissions committee, or relationship with famous people, or, at worst, some kind of patronage... At the same time, at school I was far from an excellent student, which also reduced the chances of success. My parents began to slowly prepare me for the fact that I might not get in and that it would be nice to find some simpler institute...

When in the tenth grade I took part in the regional Olympiad, which was held by the coveted faculty, the father of one of the participants knowledgeably said that all these competitions are just for show and most likely only children of famous writers and journalists will receive diplomas. Nevertheless, when the winners of the Olympiad were announced at the open day, I was amazed to hear my last name...

I won’t say that everything went smoothly and without a hitch, but I entered the chosen university. Moreover, it seemed to me, without any special knowledge or serious training. Apparently, the quota for “thieves” had been exhausted, but somehow the admissions committee liked me...

What if I had listened to my family and friends and not risked submitting documents? There are a lot of people who dreamed of becoming writers, actors, artists, musicians, but instead became teachers, librarians, programmers, accountants - only because they were told that these professions are a sure piece of bread, and it is easier to enter the corresponding universities. Often, everyone subsequently tries to fulfill a failed dream in their own way - writes articles for the local press, draws “for themselves,” plays in amateur performances, sings in the choir at the House of Culture... But the opportunity to professionally do what they love is most often irretrievably lost.

And sometimes, a person is told that he cannot find a job to his liking, that his profession is not in demand, or that the desired positions can only be obtained through an acquaintance. And as a result, he goes to work outside his specialty, just to feed himself... Although in reality he could have just looked better. Or even . The trouble is that we often give up on our dreams and settle for more “mundane” options only because those around us convince us: we must be realistic!

Sometimes we also hear accusations that we “don’t know life at all,” that we form ideas about it from books or films. Is it really that bad? After all, we read not only novels of the 19th century. Modern books and films are often based on real life situations. Personally, I learned a lot of useful information from there, which was very useful later.

Is it worth condemning a woman who is looking for herself? After all, deep down in her soul, everyone understands that there are no ideals, and is actually looking for someone with whom she will be comfortable - strong, reliable, courageous... If we discard “illusions” and “live in reality,” then it is possible that the lady will get a womanizer or an alcoholic... What good will come out of such a relationship over time?

There is nothing wrong with the fact that we sometimes build castles in the air. Another thing is that for our illusions to become reality, it is necessary not only to generate them, but to act in order to achieve our cherished goals. To use cliches, we must “struggle and search,” and not wait for the weather by the sea and count on basic luck. An illusory goal may seem so only at first glance, but in fact it is quite achievable.

Living with illusions means building your life as if you were not living in this world, but in some completely different one. With other rules, other laws, other principles. A different attitude of people towards each other. It doesn’t matter whether these relations and rules are better than those that exist in the current reality or worse - they are different. And this is the main thing.

A person, focusing on these (other) rules, in real life usually also chooses for himself a style of behavior that could be effective not here, but there. In the here and now, such behavior leads to completely different consequences.

I think you will agree with me - people living in illusions are ineffective and inadequate. They rarely achieve anything meaningful for themselves. And their achievements are always somewhere in the future. The usual fate of those living in illusions is only bruises and bumps from a collision with (so unexpected for them) reality.

Over time, these people lose self-confidence, motivation for further actions and, in the end, become disillusioned with... reality.

It seems to them wrong, unfair and unworthy to have the right to exist. This hurts them deeply.

If reality also seems to you exactly like this (wrong), then it seems to me that you have two possible ways to develop your relationship with it.

The first way is to try to bend the world to suit you. Start fighting with him. Make an attempt to reshape reality in a new way. Fit it to your ideas about it. And burn out with a hot iron everything that seems wrong.

People who have made this choice go to barricades and demonstrations. They pour out their anger at reality from their pages on social networks or from their personal blog. They also complain about the current state of affairs in conversations with fellow travelers and random interlocutors.

Their life is full of emotions. But, as a rule, not with results.

The second way is to understand that it is not the universe that is inadequate, but your approach to it. Reality is what it is. And your failures are caused not by its inferiority, but by your attempts to act based on the rules invented by someone.

It is the second approach, it seems to me, that helps get rid of illusions. It is he who leads to ADULTING. Albeit quite rarely pleasant and comfortable. Growing up is a process of learning about the world and coping with it.

This does not mean at all that you will have to give up your own goals and attempts to improve your own life. This does not mean that you have to accept what is and stay with it forever.

No, on the contrary, doing this, achieving these changes will become much easier.

What I wish for you from the bottom of my heart.

❶ Psychological → > ❷ Help → > ❸ in Minsk" url="http://navarroz.com/illusion-instructions.html">

Instructions for getting rid of illusions

Imagine that your life is a wallet. There is something valuable in it (money, bank cards), but there are all sorts of unnecessary pieces of paper, checks, coupons. It’s about the same in life: there are valuable things - attachments, friendships, relationships, and there are things that only create the appearance of fullness - illusions, false ideas and expectations.

Sit comfortably. Place your life wallet in front of you. Now take out one piece of paper at a time and see if you need it. Is she worth anything? Is there any important information there? If not, then squeeze-pump - and into the basket.

Parting with illusions can be painful and scary. What if I throw away something important? What if there is nothing left afterwards? Therefore, it is important to look at each of your submissions impartially. Is it really beneficial? Does it correspond to reality? Is it taking up space for nothing? If it seems to you that your wallet in life has become too thin, do not be upset - it is always better to know the real value of what you have. This will give you the opportunity to fill your life with valuable things in the future. This is better than thinking that your wallet is oh-so-thick, and then not being able to pay at the right time.

Life without illusions becomes much clearer and more enjoyable. Therefore, do not regret it - squeeze, squeeze and add it to the basket. Soon you will even enjoy this activity.

Now let's talk a little about what illusions are and how to recognize them.

What are illusions?

Illusions most often concern our relationships with people. It’s just that a huge accumulation of them is observed in love relationships - this is the field we will consider.

In the most general sense illusion - this is some kind of misconception about reality. There is always a piece of truth in an illusion; it is not based on empty space. This is why illusions can be so difficult to separate from reality. But its essence is that we interpret this truth incorrectly and distortedly.

For example, a girl who sees interest on the part of a guy interprets this as a sign of strong and deep feelings. That is, there is objective interest - this is true, but further conclusions are an illusion, because at the moment they are not confirmed by anything. The example is not accidental. Most often, women are subject to illusions. Most women seek confirmation of their importance in the way men evaluate them.

Illusions can relate to different objects of reality:

Towards myself (how I perceive myself and what kind of attitude I expect from others);

To another (how I see a person’s character and what actions I expect from him);

To the attitude of another towards me (how he treats me and what follows from this);

And even to my own attitude towards another (what motives I attribute to myself and what kind of response I expect);

To the “life plot” (by such and such an age such and such an event should happen to me);

To the fruits that some events will bring (if I find love, I will be happy), etc.

If you noticed, all illusions have a common point - expecting something from others. There is such a special class of illusions - “the world should...”. As children, we are accustomed to our parents loving and caring for us, and we expect the same attitude from others. “I should be loved/appreciated”, “a man should...”, “a true friend should...”, “colleagues should...”. People of action have the least illusions, who approach each situation from the position of “What should/can I do now”, and not “What others should do to me”. The focus of such people’s attention is on their own personal activity. They themselves fill their lives with interest and meaning, rather than waiting for others to do it.

Top 5 most popular illusions

Relationships have a set of illusions that are reproduced en masse. A lot is written about them, but still few manage to avoid them completely.

Search for the ideal. Princes, horses and so on. There are several illusory ideas mixed in here: there should be ideal people in the world, we should be treated ideally, we are special and deserve it. Not only women experience this illusion, but representatives of the sexes experience it differently: women try to idealize every interesting man, and men change partners in search of “the one.” But the illusion is destructive for everyone and ultimately leaves a feeling of deep disappointment.

Here, side by side, there are two more ideas: about ideal compatibility (there are no ideal people, but there is someone who is ideal for my interests, inclinations and cockroaches) and ideas about Fate (there is a person destined for me by fate, and only with him will I be happy (A)). The purpose of all these ideas is to relieve oneself of responsibility for working on relationships. That is, as we said at the beginning, we again prefer anticipation to action.

“A person changes when he meets love.” The human individual does experience a short-term change in behavior under the influence of hormonal levels, but one must understand the nature of this phenomenon. During the period of falling in love, there is a strong motive to behave well - they respond to you with love fervor, they admire you. But if a person does not have the skills of constructive relationships in ordinary situations, they are unlikely to appear in a couple of months of stormy emotions. Here we again wishful thinking: we interpret signs of attention and generous gestures as special nobility of character or our own special significance in the fate of another.

“He/she will paint my life with bright colors.” A typical example of a pending position. We expect everything good in our lives from the outside, and if we don’t receive it, we are offended by the whole world. In 90% of cases, discussions about the cruelty and injustice of life are caused by this illusion. This is the expectation that someone should recognize you as their purpose in life, fulfill all your desires, and that this will make you happy.

The piece of truth here is that love really brings bright emotions into life, and the lover strives to make his other half happy. But you won’t be able to live on euphoria - happiness has a slightly different mechanism. If you cannot be happy without receiving a dose of love and admiration from others or your loved one, this is an addiction, and relationships can do little to change this.

"It means serious feelings". A classic female illusion, often a continuation of the previous one. We regard signs of attention, interest, sympathy as a sign of serious feelings. Why this happens is worth examining separately. When a man shows affection, a woman can react in two ways. The first is to evaluate this as sympathy, respond or not respond in kind - depending on preferences, and continue to go about your business. The second is to start dreaming about romance, beautiful courtship and a wedding procession.

The first case is possible if a woman’s life is filled with important and interesting things. In this case, relationships develop naturally: people have the opportunity to get to know each other. A woman accepts only the attitude towards herself that suits her; if a potential boyfriend behaves differently, it is easy for her to break up with him, because her life is already filled with meaning. If there is emptiness in life, then you will build illusions about a relationship with a person who has shown sympathy for you, and achieve this relationship in any way. You will justify inattention or bad attitude towards you by any means (“forgot to call”, “he had a hard day”, etc.).

“I mean a lot in someone else’s life.” But men often suffer from this, especially in our country, where the demographic situation is not in favor of women. Although women are no exception, especially those who take the position of “mommy” (“How can he live without me?”). The danger of this illusion is that it often takes on the “guise of piety.” We believe that we are sincerely serving our soul mate in a completely selfless manner, but at the same time we are offended that we are not appreciated enough. This is an easy way to make relatives cry and a direct path to manipulation.

Another guise of this illusion is secret narcissism, when we believe that by the mere fact of our presence in a person’s life we ​​are doing him a great honor. With this approach, a person stops developing and working on relationships, and if suddenly the partner begins to show interest in someone else, for the “narcissist” this becomes a huge stress.

What to do?

1. Don't lie to yourself. It is very important to learn to face the truth, no matter how difficult it may be. With illusions, you primarily harm yourself. You are expecting something that cannot be obtained. This is walking in circles. If you find it difficult to figure out where illusions are and where reality is, you should consult a psychologist.
2. Start from what is, not what could be. It is impossible to predict the course of events, so it is foolish to base your hopes on what could theoretically happen.
3. Fill your life with what makes it valuable and interesting. Then illusions will lose their attractiveness - after all, reality is even better.

Illusions always arise from a lack of something in life. This is a sign of a void that needs to be filled. Perhaps you lack real experiences, emotional intimacy, healthy communication. People who did not receive enough love in childhood are more inclined to create myths for themselves. But we are not responsible for how we were treated in the past, but what we do with our lives now depends on us. Should we fill it with ghosts or real experiences?

It is necessary to deal with existing illusions, but it is much more important to build your life in such a way that there is no room left for them. This is exactly why you should turn to specialists.