Question:
I have such a problem, I have no desire for intimate life. At all. I have been married for three years now, and I myself suffer from this, but I have to force myself to have intimacy with my husband. You have to step over yourself. I can’t talk to anyone about this, and I have no one to consult with, because I’m very shy. But now even my husband is losing patience, and he is very patient. This topic worries him greatly, worries that I have no attraction, that I am indifferent to this, and every time he calls me, he sees that I don’t want to. I often refuse. Lately we often quarrel over this. He tells me that this is my responsibility, I know it myself, but I don’t feel anything. Even this letter to you, he persuaded me to write, because I myself could not bring myself to discuss this topic with someone. I come from a strict family, some say it's all about upbringing. But after three years, I still overcame my embarrassment, etc. My husband is a good person, we have a wonderful child, we have an idyll in everything else, but in this matter there is a gap that torments both of us. Please help me.
Answer:
Wa alaikum al-salaam, sister.
The topic of “lack/decreased sexual desire” worries millions of women. This is a pressing problem at all times. It’s just that earlier it was not talked about due to the “incorrectness” of such conversations, later this topic was avoided due to ignorance of the very concept of sexual behavior, but now they either talk about it a lot, but again about the wrong thing (for example, about sexual freedom in marriage and various kinds of sexual perversions/perversions as a way out of a problematic situation), or are kept silent, artificially writing off female sexual dissatisfaction and anorgasmia (lack of orgasm) as a “norm”.
Until recently, the public considered female sexual activity to be something “shameful”, “dirty”, and it was not customary to talk about it in “respectable circles”. But this has a completely logical basis, because the market has replaced the concept of “female sexuality” with “female liberation, easy accessibility.” This is where market representatives have their goals: to make money on female sexuality and flood society with a wave of immorality and vicious sexual relations. And more recently, people have begun to think about sexuality, in particular female sexuality, in the right direction, as something that strengthens the foundation of society - the family and makes society strong.
The very concept of “sexuality” certainly turns us to the image of a woman. A woman is a reflection of the universe in a child, the reason for which is her sexuality. Consequently, a woman’s sexual behavior is an integral part of her life, an important component both for the development of harmonious relationships in the family and for the improvement of society as a whole. To solve problems with female sexuality, we need to “improve” its concept in our heads and treat it as the highest activity of a woman. Such reflections should dislodge the stereotypes rooted in society about “a woman’s lot” and the consumerist attitude towards her sexuality.
If this is not done, then there is a high probability that a woman will either begin to present her sexual qualities left and right (which is what happens in most cases these days), or will “drive herself into the corner of decency” and there will shed tears, feel resentment and feeling of guilt, engaging in sexual activity on special occasions and with great effort.
First of all, the woman herself should treat female sexuality as her highest dignity, the highest activity, leading her through pleasure to strengthening family ties, the birth of a new life, enriching her experience and improving her relationship with the Almighty Lord. And don’t let my last words surprise you, for the sexual intercourse of a woman with her husband is her worship and mercy for her husband.
Let's try to understand your situation.
Lack of attraction in intimate life is a problem for two married people. And you chose the absolutely correct decision - to eliminate it together. To do this, you will need sincerity and openness with yourself and each other, and patience throughout the healing process. You will also need time and resources for consultations with a sex therapist (sexologist), who, having collected a sexological history, will help you qualitatively improve the intimate side of your marriage.
The sex therapist will prescribe consultations with other specialists to identify and eliminate the true cause of the lack of sexual desire for a partner: a gynecologist, endocrinologist, neurologist, psychiatrist/psychotherapist.
The first three consultants will check whether there are biological reasons for the lack of sexual desire: somatic diseases and painful conditions, hormonal disorders as a result of pathology of the endocrine organs (estrogen or androgen deficiency, excess prolactin), side effects of medications (tranquilizers, neuroleptics, antidepressants, antihypertensive drugs, hormonal drugs).
The psychiatrist will assess the mental status and, according to indications, prescribe psychocorrective medications: for example, he will help cope with moderate to severe depression, if present, which also affects the sexual side of marriage. You should consider these specialists as consultants and diagnosticians who can help you identify the true causes of your lack of sexual desire. Visits to them will determine your serious approach to the problem that has arisen.
Sexual life plays an important role in a person’s life, and no matter how patient a person is, problems in this will affect the emotional, and later the somatic sphere of sexual partners. If this problem is not solved, depression in both partners, difficulties in relationships and family discord are possible. Do you need such sacrifices? - I think no. Therefore, I recommend going through the above consultants who will help you quickly and better understand this situation. Consultation with a psychotherapist and psychotherapy plays an important role in solving this problem. Because very often the absence/decrease in sexual desire is of a psychological nature.
Now, let’s take a closer look at the possible psychological causes of the problem:
Unconscious avoidance of intimate contacts due to negative emotions towards a partner.
Here we will dwell in more detail. Try to answer yourself the question: “Is there anything in your relationship with your husband that you would like to change?”, “Is there an unforgiven offense?” Tell yourself and your partner, if this concerns him directly, about your fears, anxieties, and experiences. And you will see that by realizing and sharing the burden of feelings and emotions directed to the recipient through contact, you can eliminate many problems.
Fear and anxiety associated with ideas about sex (for example, before an unwanted pregnancy or a repetition of a traumatic situation). A psychotraumatic situation may mean pain during sexual intercourse. Also, during the postpartum period, a woman at first may not want to get pregnant again, associating this with pain during contractions and pushing during labor, and sexual intercourse implies a return to the woman’s experience during childbirth.
Gynecological examinations using forceps, removing catheters without pain relief, operations, etc. can psychologically traumatize a woman and reduce her libido (sexual desire), or lead to its complete absence.
Mental disorders (depression, neuroses). Deep-seated fears of sexual intimacy associated with peculiarities of upbringing or childhood mental trauma on sexual grounds.
Here three variants of events, which I would like to talk about in more detail:
First option: A girl can be raised in a family where the mother paid more attention to her than to her husband, the father of the girl in question. Consequently, the father, out of resentment and jealousy, devoted less time to his daughter, and she, in turn, thought that since the father does not approach her, does not communicate with her, it means that he does not love her, and does not love her because she is uninteresting, that he is ashamed of her, she is ugly and similar thoughts. “This is fertile ground for the emergence of low self-esteem in a girl. When she grows up and gets married, her lack of confidence in her beauty and femininity will interfere with the development of romantic relationships that tend to have sexual intercourse.
Second option: The girl was brought up in a strict family with a substitution of the concept of “female sexuality”. In her family, female sexuality was perceived as something “dirty”, “shameful”, and she took this model of behavior as the basis for her entire marital life. In this case, behavioral and supportive psychotherapy will help. Also, let the husband, through his words and behavior, convince his wife of the incorrectness of the pattern of behavior that she transferred from childhood to adulthood and their relationship in marriage (how to achieve this - see below “advice to the husband”).
Third option refers to childhood trauma of a sexual nature (for example, rape), which requires appropriate psychocorrection by a psychotherapist in special conditions.
Chronic fatigue and stress:
This is a relevant reason for many married couples for the absence/decreased sexual desire. A working woman comes home, where she immediately begins to prepare food, wash, clean, put herself in order for her husband’s arrival, take care of the children, etc. All this exhausts a woman. And it’s good if she has an understanding husband who at least takes on some of the housework.
It is better, of course, if there are opportunities for a woman not to work, but to take care of family affairs. There are men who reproach their wives when they, tired of work and household chores, refuse them intimacy due to their physical and moral fatigue. And these reproaches add a negative connotation to a woman’s sex life.
There are men who behave like children - they cannot dress themselves, they ask their wife to do little things for them that they are able to do themselves, but they stubbornly demand “bring something,” “carry something away,” “see something.” " etc.
This shows their desire to attract attention to themselves, but such actions can lead to the fact that a woman, not having time to do all this and much more, is simply not able to spend energy on improving the quality of her sex life.
Reluctance (inability) of a partner to perform the actions expected by a woman during intimacy:
This is a painful topic, I think, for many women. It is further complicated by the fact that the woman is embarrassed to tell her husband how he should behave with her in bed. But in vain, it turns out that the husband enjoys intimacy, but the wife does not. And the more a couple is married, the more thoughts a woman has about her sexual dissatisfaction and disappointments. This is the origin of her irritability and grumpiness. A woman has the right to sexual pleasure, and nikah is concluded precisely so that she receives it in a permitted way, but few women think about this and remind themselves.
In order for intimate intimacy to bring joy to a woman and not be “extra work” and a “headache,” she needs to feel well her physical needs and be sure to communicate them to her sexual partner. This requires a woman's special sensitivity to her body and time. There is no need to give up what the Almighty has allowed and made a woman’s right. This is the wisdom of the Lord. And, as it turned out during psychological analysis, a woman’s sexual dissatisfaction will sooner or later affect her emotional-volitional sphere, and a drooping and irritable homemaker will bring joy to few people.
Having anxiety associated with perceptions of one's own sexual inferiority or ineptitude
Discussing this reason, I would like to appeal to women: “Don’t be afraid to be ugly!” Beauty is a subjective concept and what one person likes does not mean that another will like it. Do not label yourself with evil tongues, focus on yourself in this matter: if you like yourself when standing in front of the mirror, then you are beautiful. Of course, if you compete with a TV screen star with silicone sponges, then an ordinary housewife may lose. But we are as happy and beautiful as we allow ourselves to be happy and beautiful. It doesn’t hurt to smile at yourself every day in front of the mirror and, mentioning the Name of Allah, praise yourself and some parts of your body - especially those with which you are dissatisfied. If you don't love yourself, then there is little chance that you will let someone love you. In the upcoming intimacy, turn off the lights in the room, and then it will be easier for you to be naked in front of your partner, you will feel less tense.
Negative previous experiences of sexual activity (gross inept actions of a partner, inappropriate surroundings, sexual dissatisfaction, manifestations of vaginismus, pain during intercourse, etc.): Negative previous sexual experiences, if any, are best discussed only with a psychotherapist and through awareness and contact come to healing from past experiences.
Suppression of sexual fantasies and inability to psychologically tune in to upcoming intimacy:
This reason is a consequence of the other reasons described above. This is where positive psychotherapy can help. You can prepare yourself for the upcoming intimacy: take a shower, put on clean and beautiful clothes, jewelry, use the perfume you like, create an atmosphere around yourself in which you want to spend time with your sexual partner. Set yourself up for pleasure and do everything to get it, without avoiding direct messages to your partner about what and how you want.
Full involvement in activities(career, creativity), distracting a woman from sex:
In this case, a woman must set priorities and think: “Is a career an escape from oneself?”
Lack of acceptable conditions for having sex
This is an important component of sexual life. Some people don’t like making love on a mattress, some are disturbed by noisy neighbors, some have a small child and are afraid that he will wake up. This needs to be considered individually and, most likely, there will be a way out - if there is a desire.
Side effects of drugs:
Some medications can reduce libido. In particular, hormonal contraceptives. If a woman is protected by pills, then she should read the package insert. Particular attention should be paid to the “Side Effects” section. Go to the doctor and discuss with him how best to proceed in this situation, perhaps he will recommend some other drug.
Some tips for increasing women's sexual activity in addition to psychotherapy
Traditional and alternative medicine offers many means to increase women's sexual desire:
Balanced diet: include in your diet a chicken egg, animal and vegetable oils, fish, nuts, avocado, green onions, parsley, lemon. A good way to increase sexual desire in women are natural aphrodisiacs: banana, bee pollen, coconut, dates, honey, wheat germ, mint.
Reduce your sugar and meat consumption. Let the food be light.
Exercises for intimate muscles are recommended. The system of these exercises is aimed at strengthening the muscles of the perineum. The work of the intimate muscles helps to saturate the pelvic organs with blood and enrich the nerve cells with oxygen. In practical life, nerve endings provide sensitivity during sexual intercourse. Coordinated tension and work of intimate muscles irritates nerve endings and a signal of pleasure is delivered to the brain. Kegel exercises are popular. While urinating, try to delay this action. Do this repeatedly. Gradually your muscles will become stronger and you will learn to control them.
Remember to use positive affirmations to keep your body healthy and your desires stronger. These could be positive attitudes suggested by famous psychotherapists.
The main goal is to learn to love your body and enjoy sexual intercourse.
Don't forget about a massage using aromatic oils, which contain natural aphrodisiacs. Thanks to aphrodisiacs, sensuality increases, sexual desire and erogenous sensitivity increase, and emotions are liberated. Natural aphrodisiacs are known to affect the pituitary gland and cause the formation of endorphins. It is thanks to endorphins that sexual desire intensifies.
Aphrodisiacs include: verbena, cloves, jasmine, rosemary, geranium, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, rose, juniper, orange, grapefruit, cedar, incense, thyme, marjoram, tangerine, myrrh, sage. By the way, you can take a bath with essential oils.
Your neurologist may prescribe acupuncture and physical therapy to help you relax.
Advice for husband
According to Islam, the human person from birth is endowed with the right to satisfy his physical, intellectual and spiritual needs. It is in Islam that sex takes on its real and full meaning, being not only a means of procreation, receiving pleasure and satisfying the natural needs of the body, but also worship of the Almighty and one of the aspects of obtaining His mercy and blessings.
Set your wife up for upcoming intimacy during the day: say pleasant words to her, show her love with gentle hugs and caresses, joke kindly with her, smile at her.
Taking into account the psychological characteristics of a woman, the principle here is important: “Before touching a woman’s body, a man must find a way to her soul.”
A small gift, a bouquet of flowers, is a good example. In reality, the flowers themselves are not so important to a woman - she enjoys the very thought that her man took the time to please her and thought about her. And let the smallest gifts, skillfully presented as regular signs of attention, care and love, be one of the reasons for which she will love him even more, especially if this is done in a Muslim way, and not as a duty (just to get off) or atonement for guilt (for scandal, inattention, etc.). "Give each other gifts and you will be loved"(Bukhari).
If a man is a good leader and a subjective partner, then the most remarkable thing about being married to him will be his ability to “come down from his heights,” to do and say anything, to have a pleasant conversation - precisely to please his wife, to please her, to listen and understand, to understand , give advice and again, again and again say that he loves and appreciates her.
As Imam al-Ghazali said: “Sexual intimacy should begin with tender words and kisses,” and Imam al-Zabidi added: “Kisses should not only be on the cheeks and lips, then they should move on to the chest and all parts of her body.” . The husband must overcome his shyness, look at his wife and pay attention to her. If he cannot follow this sunnah, it is considered insulting to her.
Intimacy is like a minefield of potential for hurting each other - looking at the clock at the wrong time, yawning at the wrong moment, looking bored, and so on.
The husband's duty is to convince his wife that he really loves her - this can only be confirmed by words (constantly repeated words, I might add - that is the nature of women), look and touch. Many believe that eyes are an expression of the human soul. Definitely, the look of a loved one is the most precious. Many wives always look for that look of love from their husband, even if they have been married for many years. If you can't give your wife that kind of attention, she may take it as a sign that you don't truly love her.
And even though it may irritate you and seem unnecessary, most women are deeply touched when their husband tells them of his love. The fact is that female nature is structured differently and, if a man is able to enjoy intimate intimacy with almost every woman, then a woman can only enjoy intimate intimacy with the one she loves or for whom she feels deep sympathy. Therefore, it is so important to pay attention to this feature of female psychology if you really want to bring her the joy and pleasure from an intimate relationship to which she has the right.
Many women value darkness more and feel more comfortable in the dark when all their “flaws” are invisible. Women are sensitive creatures, signs of aging or physical "flaws", small defects such as a double chin, unwanted folds on the stomach, any spots, all this upsets a woman no less than a man who does not like his ears, acne, baldness or that he is thin or small. Sometimes the darkness of the night is kind to us and hides our physical shortcomings.
It is very easy for a man to become aroused for sexual intimacy, so it can all be over in a few moments. If this happens, the woman, of course, remains dissatisfied, but often she will not complain about it, especially if she does not know her rights given to her by the Almighty, or is very shy or too polite to say so.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When you have intimacy with your wife, do so that she also receives pleasure. Do not rush to finish the process and leave your wife’s body if she has not yet received pleasure.”
Imam al-Ghazali in his work “Ihya Ulum ad-Din” writes the following:
“If a man ejaculates early during sexual intercourse, he should not rush to leave his wife’s body, but should wait until she too achieves pleasure. If a woman takes longer to achieve orgasm, but a man, on the contrary, is in a hurry and does not think to wait for her, then he thus causes her suffering. A woman is very pleased if she reaches orgasm at the same time as her husband.”
If a man reaches climax in less than three minutes, it is considered "premature ejaculation" and it is believed that the man should make efforts to combat it. On a medical level, there are some helpful tips for dealing with this common problem. For example, the Islamic herbal remedies listed in Chishti's book entitled The Traditional Healer are described.
Preliminary caresses will help to avoid a situation where the man is aroused and the woman is just getting excited. To do this you need to know your wife's erogenous zones. They are individual for each woman. The most sensitive areas of the human body are concentrated on the inner surface of the body. The main erogenous zones of the female body: clitoris, external and internal genital organs, tongue, lips, earlobes, back of the head. Places where the skin and muscle layer are most delicate: elbow and knee bends, buttocks. Touching the back, lower back (especially in the spine), chest and nipples is important. It is these areas of the female body that are considered the most receptive to sexual caresses; their stimulation during intimacy makes the woman shudder with pleasure and quickly become aroused. However, this is not a complete list. Some Muslim sources write that in winter you need to pay special attention to caressing a woman’s thighs, and in summer - her breasts. “This has something to do with its reaction to changes in ambient temperature.”
Ask your wife what kind of caresses she prefers, and watch her carefully - study her body's reaction to caresses with her.
Another helpful way to deal with the problem is to give more importance to your intimacy by spending more time on it, instead of leaving it until last at night when you are tired. It is also worth remembering that in many Muslim societies the traditional time for intimacy is not the night, but the afternoon rest. Of course, it's not easy if you're at work from 9 to 6. But maybe sometimes you could go to bed an hour earlier.
It's very insulting to your wife if the only attention she gets is quickly satisfying her husband's needs, perhaps after he's sat up late at the computer screen and then stumbled into bed to quickly get things done and fall asleep.
When you come home from work, ask your wife how her day was, what she was thinking about, what she would like. Help her cope with household chores and do not reproach her for helping her with this. Help your wife in everything related to family life: buy food and carry heavy bags yourself, throw out garbage, etc. A wife freed from additional household chores will bring you much more pleasure in bed if she is rested and in a good mood. Do not forget to often tell her words of tenderness and love, caress her when you are alone, joke - regardless of whether you can now have a sexual relationship or not. She will remember your attitude towards her and will reciprocate in the marital bed.
And the last thing I would like to note is how to treat your wife and adabs during sexual intercourse from the book of Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali “Adabs”:
How to behave towards your spouse:
Treat her well
Talk to her kindly
Confess your love to her
When alone with your spouse, be calm,
Try not to notice small mistakes,
Try to compensate for her shortcomings,
Preserve her dignity and honor,
Do not argue with her often,
Provide for her and not be stingy,
Always respect her
Make beautiful promises
Be jealous of her.
Adabs during sexual intercourse:
Rub yourself with incense
Talk kindly
Talk about love
Kiss passionately
Say "Bismillah"
Do not look at your spouse's genitals,
Cover yourself with a blanket or cape,
During sexual intercourse, you should not lie in the direction of the qibla.
I hope my answer helps you deal with your current problem. I wish you happiness in both worlds and the pleasure of Allah wherever you are, even in your marital bed.
May Allah make it easy for you! Amine.
Elvira Sadrutdinova
- The couple is a myth
- Mastering not conquering
- Quality of presence
The couple is a myth
If you look at the world through pseudo-scientific eyes, we can say that life in a couple and family are largely cultural phenomena. They are not inherent in human nature from the very beginning. Also, if we believe in the unconscious, we can talk about the attraction to different people present in it. Our unconscious is not faithful.
And here I’ll add on my own behalf, my position is that fidelity is a choice, just like life with one partner, like family. And if we have chosen a mate, this does not mean at all that we will not be attracted to someone else.
The point is rather that throughout our life together with a person, we choose him over and over again when life provides us with some other opportunities to develop relationships.
Attraction is an unstable substance
At the beginning of a relationship, we may experience a very strong attraction to our partner and it is good when such attraction is present. Indeed, in this case, it is one of the important prerequisites for our rapprochement, creating for us the opportunity to further deepen relations.
However, it cannot be constant and remain at the same level. It is quite natural that in the process of living together for 2-3 years, attraction may weaken and sometimes even disappear completely for one of the partners.
There is a certain type of people who, as soon as they begin to experience such a decline, get scared and turn to looking for a new partner with whom they try to experience strong attraction again. But is this the way out?
For a boy or girl, perhaps yes. But for a person of mature age who has never been married?.. Here you can already think: is he/she capable of love?
A. Eril, answering similar questions during the seminar, talks about the division of love and attraction. He calls love a constant, and attraction a variable value. The attraction we experience for one partner can have its ups and downs, like a roller coaster.
It is important to learn not to be afraid of the lack of attraction to a partner, or to perceive the stronger attraction of one and the weaker attraction of the other, not as a disaster or something that will never change, but as something temporary that can change in the course of further life together.
Relationships die not when we lose attraction to our partner, but when we become indifferent. If the other person has become indifferent to us, his life is not important to us, we don’t care what happens to him, then here we can talk about the end of the relationship.
In overcoming the crisis of partial or complete loss of desire, love plays an important role, relying on which partners can find hope. And it is this hope that allows us to withstand a downturn without perceiving it as a disaster or something that will never change.
“When attraction disappears, love begins its work,” is one of the central theses of the seminar.
Of course, you may have a legitimate question - what is love? How to understand that this is love? I think that there is no simple and unambiguous answer here. And I wouldn’t like to simplify everything by saying another banality about love.
I can refer the interested reader to Rollo May's excellent book, Love and Will. It contains a lot of deep and valuable thoughts on the topic of love. And from this seminar I remember the words that when we truly love another, we can tell him: “I don’t need you, but I love you.” In these words I find autonomy and maturity of feelings.
Mastering not conquering
One of the undermining aspects of the relationship in a couple of ways is the struggle for power. This is a fairly common story when one of a couple tries to dominate the other in different ways: brute force, humiliation, devaluation, and caring control. There are tons of possibilities.
It also happens when someone deliberately gives their responsibility/freedom to another: “If we are together, you must do this and that for me... Take care of me... You are a woman - you must... You are a man - you are obliged for me...” .
Either way, all these power plays undermine genuine intimacy and undermine relationships by causing tension, anger, and the desire to harm the other. How to be there if your attraction is fading and you need support, and you meet the enemy on the battlefield?
Hospitality or hostility is a choice. And we do it within relationships, moving towards the other or turning away from him. We have the ability to seize power over another or remain vulnerable and allow ourselves to love by laying down our weapons and trying to accept the other.
After all, in order to be vulnerable next to another, you need much more strength than to close yourself off from him, protecting yourself with seized power.
The issue of power in a relationship is one aspect that affects the dynamics of attraction, but it is far from the only one. Here we will limit ourselves to this short reflection and move on.
Quality of presence
Eril invites partners to invest more in the actions that they perform in relation to each other. To do this, he suggests that the couples he works with practice “slowing down.” The idea is as follows.
When we live with a person for a long time, many stereotypical and formal actions appear in our relationships. We seem to be having lunch together, but we formally ask to pass the bread, staring at the TV screen, not noticing that there is another person nearby.
The same thing happens in sex, in tenderness and caresses. We formally stroke another, habitually make love and gradually lose attraction, falling into the illusion of monotony.
So, we can restore attraction by increasing the awareness of our actions, investing in every touch, subtly feeling the slightest changes in emotional colors. To do this, we can slow down our actions.
Touch the other person, stroking him slowly and gently. Make eye contact, maintaining contact and doing it for a long time. In general, in order to restore attraction that has faded away for a while, provided that we love another, we can increase the quality of our presence in contact, in relationships, in intimacy.
The less formal and illusory habitual there is in sex, the more we are involved in this process, the deeper and more subtly we try to feel our loved one, the brighter the experience will be.
In this regard, ideas come to mind about various dynamic meditations that are now practiced in many places. If you find it difficult to think of something that you could do with your partner, increasing mutual presence, then an easy way is to look for some videos on YouTube from the tantric interaction series.
There are quite high-quality videos that show how you can be close without close physical interaction, but with very close and subtle contact.
At the end of this conversation, I would like to note that overcoming difficulties in a relationship is the work of both partners. And here it is very important to be allies, and not enemies, reproaching each other for the fact that something goes wrong.
So, to summarize, let's get back to what we were talking about.
A couple is a myth; the ability to be in a long-term relationship with one person is not inherent in us by nature, rather it is our choice.
Attraction is an unstable substance, we can either lose it or find it, relying on love for another and hope. When mastering, do not dominate, so as not to destroy relationships and not replace love with power games.
The quality of presence, the ability to carefully and with all the fullness of being invest in interaction with a partner is precisely the resource on which we can rely, restoring faded attraction.
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Where does intimate life disappear? Part 1.
Hello, dear readers of the blog site! What does the lack of sex between husband and wife lead to? Proximity , family and love are inextricably linked. In a previous article on this interesting topic, I wrote about an amazing experiment that resulted in spouses having an excess of sex. Check out: " Intimate life.100-day marathon!”
What happens in a family if there is no intimacy between husband and wife? And, most importantly, no one is trying to figure out why this is happening, because the wife is silent on this topic, like a fish. The husband does exactly the same.
The spouses live together, but they simply behave like roommates or housemates, they don’t even kiss or hug, because they think it’s unnecessary.
Why is this happening and what to do? One option is to go to a family psychologist or sexologist.
Unfortunately, people’s mentality does not allow them to gather strength and go to a specialist for a consultation. Basically, everyone is trying to find the answer on the Internet, so you can read some tips on what to do if you are not having sex with your husband (wife).
Some time after the wedding and the birth of children, the relationship between spouses changes. There are families where the husband and wife don’t even make eye contact because they are completely alienated from each other. Very often they sleep in separate rooms, if the living space allows this, and do not discuss their problems.
Why did this happen and where did sex go?
Imagine a situation where a baby is born and the mother takes him to bed to soothe him. The child cries, sleeps poorly, and dad has to go to work in the morning. To get at least a little sleep, he temporarily moves to another room. As you know, there is nothing more permanent than temporary.
The child grows up, but remains to sleep with his mother, displacing his father completely. This attitude becomes the norm, and sex disappears, which is understandable.
In nature, this can be observed in small birds, into whose nest the cuckoo has thrown an egg. When the cuckoo hatches from the egg, it will use an interesting tactic: it throws its neighbors out of the nest and remains alone in the care of its foster parents.
In this case, when dad goes to another room and stays there every night, he is pushed out of their family bed by his own child.
This happens because young spouses simply do not know what can happen in the end when a mother takes a crying baby into her bed in order to calm him down.
If conflicts and quarrels occur in the family, this also leads to a limitation of intimate life or even to its complete absence.
For example, spouses meet for sex no more than once or twice a month, and the process itself takes a couple of minutes, no more.
Both accumulate resentment and even anger towards each other. The deterioration of relationships is also greatly influenced by the financial situation of the family, for example, debts or problems at work.
The wife and husband do not speak, stress accumulates and gradually intensifies, leading to even more strained relationships.
There are even families in which there is no intimacy between husband and wife for several months. Due to a whole range of problems, the wife becomes very unhappy, which affects not only her husband, but also their children.
Lack of physical intimacy leads to loss of emotional intimacy and understanding. The spouses cease to be friends, and everyone begins to live as if on their own. They gradually move further and further away from each other.
As a result, one of them begins to think in his head that the relationship has come to an end, love has disappeared, and it’s time to part. But I feel sorry for the children, for their sake we must endure and pretend that everything is normal.
It is simply impossible to call such a situation in a family normal, because the love that united two people and gave birth to a child cannot just suddenly disappear.
Of course, if you got married for love, and not “to spite the conductor.”
How to get married so as not to regret it, read.
Why did the relationship between two loving people deteriorate and what can be done to ensure that the old feeling of falling in love with your spouse returns?
Let's see what you can do if your family has a similar situation.
First: we need to talk frankly with each other.
If you still haven’t learned how to do this, be sure to read articles on how to avoid conflicts in the family, how a husband can return his wife’s love, why a wife speaks and a husband is silent?
When conflict begins in the family, and there are many of them, because there will always be reasons for them, the wife resorts to an interesting tactic: she deprives her husband of sex. Due to fatigue and frequent quarrels, she simply has no desire to do this.
A husband without sex accumulates tension because he just needs it, that’s how he’s designed. As a result of all this, the conflict between spouses only deepens, but is not resolved. And in the end, no one wins because the relationship continues to deteriorate every day.
Due to the lack of mental and physical intimacy, an emotional emptiness accumulates inside a woman, she gives up, she becomes bitter and scrolls through various thoughts in her head that do not have any positive impact.
Because irritation, resentment, anger and a desire to punish their spouse settle next to them. Thoughts rush through her head, gradually growing and increasing the size of the grievances to universal proportions.
A man most often simply remains silent so as not to swear again.
How does he feel? Yes, imagine that men are also quite sensitive creatures.
He considers himself to be of no use to anyone, as if he is in a trap. After all, his wife does not understand him, does not notice, does not listen, completely devoting herself to the children. But he is also a human being, he needs sex and quite often! Anger and a feeling of resentment towards his wife accumulate in a man’s soul.
When asked when last time you had sex, you must answer:
The last time hasn't happened yet!
The husband becomes embittered and rude, he is even ready to cheat. But he won’t necessarily do that; he will endure in silence.
Meanwhile, the quarrels continue, and they happen out of the blue, becoming stronger and stronger.
Therefore, if you care about the person with whom you connected your life and had children, urgently conclude a truce.
What it is?
You probably know how the Indians smoked the peace pipe. They all sat in a circle and smoked this pipe in complete silence. Each of them took a few puffs and passed it on to the next one. This is roughly what you will need to do.
Do not smoke, of course, because this is a very bad habit that affects your health. And just network nearby and talk.
Both spouses need to agree that conflicts are a thing of the past from this day forward. There is no need to remember old grievances anymore. It is recommended (and mandatory) to stop talking rudely to each other from now on.
Forget about sorting things out with raised voices and various offensive words and insults.
Why is this so important?
The fact is that the wounds that you inflict on each other with words do not heal for a very long time. This is especially true for women, because they love with their ears and, accordingly, hate with their ears.
A wife can spend a long time turning in her head the words that her husband said to her. Add your emotions to them, which gradually grow, like waves in the ocean, rising higher and higher, until a real storm breaks out from such negative images. And there the tsunami is already close.
Mental wounds take a surprisingly long time to heal, and the insults you inflict on each other only increase these wounds and do not allow memory to heal them.
The first step towards establishing the previous relationship will be a truce, which you conclude by mutual agreement.
A truce is a mutual agreement to stop calling each other names, criticizing, speaking in a raised voice and making various barbs.
When spouses experience anger or resentment, they withdraw separately. At the same time, the woman experiences fear, because the frightening thought immediately settles in her head that she is no longer loved.
Then the whole meaning of family life is lost for her and even fear of the future appears. In addition, the husband sometimes raises his voice, demanding something from her. This makes it even harder for the woman, and the thought of ending the relationship seems more and more reasonable to her.
But it’s not easy for the man either, he’s trying his best, but no one has consulted him for a long time, they don’t ask him about anything, which is why he sees the futility of his efforts and the complete meaninglessness of everything that happens in the family.
The offended wife not only deprived him of sex, but now lives according to some plan of her own, without informing her husband of anything.
Before you call a woman a bunny, think about whether you have enough cabbage and whether the carrots will let you down!!!
When family relationships become tense, spouses may not only shout at each other. They often begin to use another type of punishment for their grievances: silence.
At the same time, both restrain their negative emotions and live in constant stress. If a person pushes these negative emotions deep into his heart or soul, stress begins to accumulate and anger appears.
Any showdown turns into a dispute about who is right and who is wrong. This, as you understand, does not lead to resolution of the conflict, because mutual accusations will not bring back love.
As soon as a husband and wife make a truce, anger and resentment recede, and in their place a spark of the normal relationship that existed in this relationship begins to appear. family earlier, before understanding disappeared along with intimate life.
The couple came to an agreement to leave everything in the past and start over. What to do next? Read about this in
Sex between a man and a woman is one of the most striking moments in relations between the sexes. It brings incredible pleasure to each of the partners and is the real foundation of strong sensual relationships. And also, joyful sex brings enormous health benefits, and therefore it is, at a minimum, stupid to refuse intimacy with a partner.
However, in the life of every person there are periods when he, consciously or for lack of a partner, does not have regular intimate intimacy. According to modern doctors, this condition is fraught with the most unpleasant consequences in terms of health. What does this mean? Let's figure out together what the consequences of refusing regular sex are.
7 unpleasant consequences of long-term abstinence
1. Probability of diseases
Scientifically proven fact: a person who regularly has sex gets sick 7 times less often than someone who is forced or deliberately abstains from intimacy. This is due to the health of the genitourinary system. The fact is that during sex, blood flows to the pelvic organs, which stimulates the work of the organs located in it. And in the case of a long absence of sex, the blood begins to stagnate, which leads to the development of female diseases such as fibroids or uterine fibroids. Moreover, if there is no intimacy for several years, changes may occur at the hormonal level, as a result of which it becomes difficult for a woman to become pregnant. And in life, such women have to experience a lot of suffering, because in the absence of sex, PMS is more severe and painful.
In addition, if a woman does not have regular sexual contact, the functioning of the mammary glands is disrupted, resulting in an increased risk of nodular or diffuse mastopathy, and also an increased likelihood of developing breast cancer.
Long-term abstinence also applies to representatives of the stronger half of humanity. They also experience congestion in the pelvic organs, which over time can lead to a decrease in sperm motility and the inability to conceive a child. It’s safe to say that the lack of sex harms the entire body, including the immune system. The latter has been scientifically confirmed, because the blood of people who have regular intimate intimacy contains 30% more antibodies than those who have sex occasionally. There is also evidence that men who have regular sexual activity are less likely to suffer from cardiac ischemia, strokes and heart attacks. Such people live about 10% longer than those who are deprived of the joys of regular sex.
2. Depression
Sex is an excellent antidepressant, which is simply necessary for all those who are regularly exposed to stress. It's all about endorphins, the same ones that are also called “hormones of happiness.” These hormones improve the psycho-emotional background of each sex partner, giving a good mood and protecting against depression.
For both partners, sex is a natural release. If it is absent, the person becomes irritable and hot-tempered. This is especially true for representatives of the fair half of humanity. Women in this state over time begin to perceive the world around them critically and harshly. Moreover, this goes far beyond intimate relationships and affects communication with other people, including professional activities.
Aggressiveness and irritability are also inherent in men who are deprived of the joy of sex. Such representatives of the stronger sex are increasingly exposed to stressful situations, which has the most negative impact on their ability to achieve success in their professional activities and strive for their goals. The self-esteem of men suffering from lack of sex gradually decreases, and they lose interest in development, procreation and, in general, life.
3. Decreased libido
It must be said that the lack of sexual contact also affects the mechanism of arousal itself, both in men and women. The lower the sexual activity of both sexes, the more difficult it becomes for them to become aroused.
In the first months, in the absence of intimacy, desire increases. However, if there is still no sex, the body gradually begins to “forget” about these sensations and simply “crosses” them off the list of its needs. A person simply loses his desire for sex, because his libido (sexual desire) decreases significantly.
Interestingly, if sexual intercourse is resumed, a woman may experience discomfort, unpleasant sensations and even pain during sex. Such women may have problems with arousal, which will increase much more slowly than usual, as well as with the ability to experience orgasm. Fortunately, practice shows that if you return to an active sexual life, sexual health returns to normal, as does the entire body.
4. Relationship problems
We have already mentioned that a long absence of sex makes men and women aggressive and irritable. However, psychologically, abstinence is even more harmful than it might seem. This is especially true for women. For the fairer sex, sex is not just an opportunity to get pleasure. This is an emotional contact, a moment of true intimacy and boundless trust in your loved one. In moments of intimacy, a woman relaxes as much as possible, because she feels security and comfort next to her partner. And this strengthens that emotional attachment that we usually call love.
If intimacy leaves a couple’s life, so does trust. Partners stop feeling each other and lose the motivation to take care of the relationship and protect it. It is this factor that most likely leads to a split in the relationship and, therefore, to divorce and separation.
5. Skin problems
Let's return to physical health again. Few people know that sex is an inexhaustible source of youth and beauty. It turns out that during intimacy, the body begins to actively produce collagen. This filamentous protein is necessary for our skin so that it remains firm and elastic, and wrinkles do not appear on it. As the body ages, collagen production decreases, which leads to the appearance of aging wrinkles. But if you have sex regularly, your skin will remain youthful for as long as possible.
But long-term abstinence, on the contrary, reduces the synthesis of this protein necessary for the skin, as a result of which still young and healthy women notice their first senile wrinkles only after crossing the 30-year mark. Moreover, it has been proven that with regular sexual intercourse, women retain their breast shape for a long time. That is why if you want to preserve the external beauty and youth of your skin, forget about scrubs, peelings and masks. Better spend this time making love!
Giving up sex won't have long-term consequences, but you may still notice some changes in your health. Some of them may seem quite unexpected!
You may notice changes in libido
Sex has quite a powerful effect on the body and psyche. It can improve your mood and even reduce weight. Having sex once a week increases life expectancy. How refusal of sex affects the body depends on individual characteristics: level of health, age, type of sexual activity. However, if you are healthy and have stopped having sex due to lack of a suitable partner or due to conscious choice rather than physiological reasons, you will experience certain changes. You may notice either a loss of sexual desire or, conversely, an increase in libido. Some people who abstain from sex feel depressed and less attracted to sex. When this process disappears, it is quite easy to forget about it. For others, the situation is completely different: the lack of sex makes it much more desirable. It turns out that a person either does not think about sex at all, or thinks about it very often. It all depends on individual characteristics. 
You may start to feel depressed
Sex affects not only physiological processes, but also the psychological state. During sexual intercourse, a person experiences touching the skin of another person, and such touches calm on a subconscious level. Sexual contact, full of touching and hugging, helps regulate the psychological state. In addition, oxytocin, the feel-good hormone, is produced. Sex can lift your spirits because it also stimulates the production of endorphins. If your body does not receive these benefits, you will feel depressed. However, this does not mean that you will become clinically depressed. Despite the fact that studies demonstrate a connection between depression and lack of sex life, this does not mean that the second is the reason, and the first is the consequence. A healthy person who gives up sex will not experience depression. Depression may be associated with separation from a partner, and not with a lack of sexual activity. 
Your uterine walls may weaken
This applies to women at the onset of menopause. Lack of penetration leads to the weakening of the uterine walls. Without regular sexual intercourse, the process turns out to be quite pronounced, and as a result, later sex can be quite painful. According to experts, regular sexual intercourse is important for the health of the uterus after menopause. Older women who are not sexually active are more likely to experience problems, partly due to blood circulation. Increased activity increases circulation. 
You will produce less lubrication
Women after menopause may have problems with lubrication during intercourse. As with thinning of the uterine walls, this occurs with age because the body does not have enough hormones, such as estrogen. If you take a young woman who is twenty or thirty years old, she will have a large amount of estrogen in her body, which means that the tissues will be healthy and elastic. If you take a woman over sixty who does not have estrogen in her body, the condition will be completely different. It is important to maintain your sex life so that the condition of the uterus does not worsen. If you are not experiencing sexual intercourse or arousal, the process occurs especially quickly. 
You will notice changes in your stress levels
Like other psychological consequences, this has certain nuances. People who experience less stress tend to be more sexually active. While sex usually helps you relieve tension, not having sex can lead to psychological problems. Research has shown that the blood response to stress is less pronounced in those who are sexually active. However, for many people, sex itself is a source of stress, for example, due to the pain of the process. In this case, his absence can be quite relaxing. 
You will have a lower risk of STDs
It's no surprise that your risk of sexually transmitted diseases decreases if you are not sexually active. It is also worth noting that the risk of urinary tract infections is also reduced. However, this depends on the type of sexual intercourse. It is heterosexual contact with penetration that leads to increased risk. Eighty percent of urinary tract infections in premenopausal women occur within 24 hours of penetration. The frequency of sexual intercourse is the main indicator on which the risk of infection depends. If you are not sexually active, there is no danger either.
Your menstrual pain may get worse
Surprisingly, sexual intercourse can relieve cramps during menstruation. At the moment, the phenomenon is not well studied, however, the data is quite clear. The uterus is a muscle; during orgasm it contracts, causing blood to leave it faster, which reduces the intensity of pain. In addition, an increase in the level of endorphins in the body also has a positive effect. If you don't have a sex life, you miss out on such benefits. 
Your intelligence may decrease
There are very interesting studies showing that sex improves brain function and stimulates the growth of brain cells. However, it is worth noting that the experiments were carried out on animals, but there is no exact data about people. Further research is required on this matter so that we can say with confidence that refusing sex deprives a person of the opportunity to improve intellectual abilities. For now, we can only speculate about this. 
You retain the ability to have sex
Although some people, such as post-menopausal women, may experience some physiological changes due to lack of sexual activity, your body remains capable of sexual intercourse. Even if you haven’t had sex for a long time, you can easily improve it, so don’t be afraid or succumb to complexes.