“Homewrecker” - this is the stigma put on girls who date married men by offended wives. Society unanimously echoes: “She broke up someone else’s family, got into a relationship, stole an exemplary husband, deprived the children of their father!”
While mistresses are girls over whom emotions have taken over, because “you can’t order your heart.” How they live, whether they feel guilty and what they hope for, read on LADY.
Tatiana
“I have known N for 12 years. He is 7 years older than me. We met once, then our paths diverged. Soon he got married and had a son. Did it hurt me? No. I was absolutely indifferent to the stories about his relationship with his wife. One day N came to me in a depressed state, talking about divorce. I took the position of a friend whose task is to help a person overcome depression. From then on we started spending a lot of time together, and it ended with him wanting to be with me. I was faced with a choice: build a relationship with someone I once left, or do the right thing. Curiosity won. So I became the mistress of a married man.
The relationship lasted several months. I often reproached myself for interfering with the family (N at that time moved from his wife to my city and even changed jobs). Our meetings were filled with romance. Perhaps this is a significant advantage of the status of a mistress: an extended candy-bouquet period.
I'm wondering why a man cheats. Where does the tendency to run away from crises in the family grow? I was not going to take my wife's place, although he offered. One time I asked him a question: “You talk so much about divorce, have you already filed an application?” He replied: “No, why should I bother? The wife is not happy with the situation, even if she gets a divorce.” It became clear to me that he did not want a divorce, and the relationship with me was revenge on his wife for a failed marriage. I broke up with him. After I left, N hung up the phone and bombarded me with messages on social networks. But I was adamant. No woman likes to be used. If she is loved, then she may well sacrifice morality and become a “homewrecker.” I didn’t love N. It turns out that we just used each other. What did I learn from this relationship? First and most important: don’t believe in fairy tales about “I’ll get divorced.” If a person wants, then he takes it and does it. If he hesitates, he doubts. And if he has any doubts, then there is a 90% chance that he will make the final decision not in favor of his mistress.”
Anastasia
“We met Sergei through a mutual friend. I was going through a difficult period: a loved one deceived me for more than a year. He came to visit with his child, and then returned home to his wife.
I knew that Sergei was married and that the marriage was not working out. But we still started spending time together. He was very attentive. For example, I could go to the store, and he, seeing that the wind had risen and it was raining, came to give me a ride. We were friends and there were no thoughts about sex. I supported him with advice, prepared delicious lunches and dinners (my wife doesn’t cook). One day I felt that he was looking at me differently. I was embarrassed. He didn't call for a day. Then he came with a bag of food and a bottle of cognac and said that he was bored and wanted to talk. The meeting ended with sex. The relationship lasted more than 4 years. At first it was unpleasant, I was jealous, I left him several times. There was so much going on: the ex was returning, then Sergei’s wife gave birth to a son. But he still remained close. He gave expensive gifts (furniture, phones, a laptop, dresses, shoes), we went to Kazakhstan on his business, rested along the way, and renovated my apartment. My brothers, children, and friends know Sergei. I feel sorry for him, he is a good person, but still he cheats on his wife... I think that she knows about me. Previously, there were scandals in his family, now his wife pretends that nothing is happening.
I really want to meet a free man - then it will make sense. And I’ll tell women: run away from married men. They will take your time and cripple your soul!
Alice
“My story is devoid of tragedy. I still think this is the best thing that happened to me. We met on the Internet. At that time, I was depressed because I canceled the wedding because I realized that I did not love my future husband. And here is this acquaintance. He is what I dreamed of: mature, strong, independent. We met and I fell in love at first sight. I knew that he was not a free person, he said it himself. But it didn't matter. For a very long time I refused to admit to myself that I was in love. We lived at a great distance and saw each other once or twice a month. Every meeting was a fairy tale. Then we began to live in the same city, and were even preparing to become a family.
We dated for two and a half years. I very rarely thought about my status. Perhaps the only thing that saddened me was that I couldn’t tell my family and friends about him. What did I want to get out of this relationship? Love! And I received it. I felt happy and protected: he solved my problems with work and finances. We had a 21 year age difference. At first it terrified me, but the deeper we got into the relationship, the less it bothered me. We didn't talk about his divorce, but he promised that we would be together.
In the end I left, I was tired of waiting. The relationship was approaching three years, I really wanted to have children. He asked me to wait until we became a family.
What advice can I give to girls who find themselves in this situation? If you love, follow love wherever it is.
Catherine
We met at work. First job, new people, everything interesting and unusual. I was much younger than my colleagues. Maybe this is what attracted me to the “man of my dreams” - he was 12 years older. I was pleased to have him nearby, I hurried to work to see him faster. But it wasn't love at first sight. Time passed, I began to perceive him as a man who evoked feelings. He was not ideal at all: he smoked, drank and loved to go for walks. I didn’t pay attention to the shortcomings, I thought I could change him. How naive I am!
He had a wife and child. This didn’t bother me because I didn’t want to build a serious relationship. I didn’t want him to leave the family - God forbid. I didn’t want to be a homewrecker, but to “play around”... Why not?
Meetings, correspondence, constant calls and dates. I wanted to fly to work, work for days, just to be nearby. And at the same time, I constantly told myself: “A little more and it’s time to finish.” But for now I enjoyed the relationship.
He made no promises. There was no long tossing and choosing between me and my wife. My lover left his wife as soon as our relationship became serious. We couldn't imagine life without each other. Time passed, I grew up and changed. Three years later we broke up.
I wouldn’t wish anyone to be in the place of my mistress. It is unbearable to realize that your loved one needs to be shared with someone, that you cannot spend the holidays with him, that you cannot dial him at any moment and say: “I miss you.” There is no future with such a man, no matter how strong your feelings are, you will be second.
Julia
“When I was 19 years old, two young men looked after me at once. I chose a more persistent boyfriend. She got married and was an exemplary wife for 20 years. I thought I would grow old with my husband. But someone I loved appeared, I found his correspondence and called my mistress, begging her not to interfere in our lives. She replied: “My husband left me too, and I will never hurt any woman.” The woman cut off all contact with my husband, and he told me: “How could you do this? She’s sick - I’m just helping her!” My husband began to “break”, he freaked out, worried about her (later it turned out that she was not sick). Then he even asked permission to go to her. I let go. They continued to communicate online “as friends.” I was unbearably upset that I was betrayed, so I decided to distract myself and went on vacation, and there I felt bad. I realized on a physical level that he had changed. I arrived, looked at it and realized that there was nothing left to glue together. We quarreled and he left.
With the second man, who courted me when I was 19 years old, we constantly maintained contact. During the divorce, he was there. He was married and had children. I knew about this. After my husband’s betrayal, I wanted attention, male affection, sex, a man who would want me and not someone else. Now I understand that he raised my self-esteem, showed me that I was needed, that I was okay. I understood my status as a mistress. He reassured me, took all the blame for the betrayal on himself.
I get a thrill from such a relationship - I call him whenever I want. Our relationship is not killed by everyday life. We clearly understand what we are doing. I am not trying to take the role of his wife, he is not my future husband, but we have a good time together. I don't ask about his wife, but sometimes we can talk about the children. He is both a lover and a friend to me.
Irina
“My relationship with a married man is 9 years old. The relationship began because he was a police officer in our house. We saw each other often. I knew he had a family. Although he doesn't talk about her often. I was just getting divorced. For a year and a half we arranged “bed” meetings.
Then his son died - he called and warned that he would be gone for some time. Then I realized that he meant much more to me than I expected. I wanted not just to spend a couple of hours in bed with him, but to go for walks on weekends and celebrate holidays together. Alas. Several times we parted and I left. But he managed to get me back. I was jealous of my wife. They live together because it's convenient. He built a large private house and got used to a comfortable life.
I'm happy with everything. We have sex once a week, and not all married couples have such a sexually active life. And the further, the better. I can even see that he is jealous. If I don’t get in touch for a while, the man gets worried and worried. We communicate little about serious topics. One day he asked: “Why don’t you send me away?” And I don’t need to drive him away! He feels good - he came, ate, and left. And I don’t demand anything - no divorce. His wife found out about me. He calmed down for a while, but still returned after a couple of weeks.
But I understand that our relationship has no future. When the mistress begins to demand something, the man quickly leaves her. So if you want to maintain the status quo, just accept the situation and understand that he will not be with you, no matter how much you want it.”
Hello Eleonora Mikhailovna!
This is the situation. I am 37, my wife is 32, 2 children (6 years old and 3 years old). 10 years of marriage.
In recent years, my wife has been taking care of the children, and during the breaks she tried herself at various jobs, but was not particularly successful, because... I couldn’t find myself, because... She didn’t like the job or what she was doing. To some extent, I was loyal to this, but at some point, perhaps, I did not provide her with the proper support, but it remembers exactly (for some reason I remember) that I impulsively told her that she had achieved nothing in life (that something like that). I, knowing myself, could not tell her this even in a nightmare, because... This is humiliation for a loved one.
She clearly remembered this moment and was very offended by me. And from that moment she decided that (I learned this from her later in a difficult conversation) our love had faded away. At first I didn’t notice any drastic changes in her or in our relationship.
Last summer, when her youngest child was enrolled in kindergarten, she began taking her to kindergarten. In the fall, my wife once said that she met a GOOD guy, a dad from kindergarten, they have an interesting family, he himself is interesting, he has an interesting hobby, etc. and he gave them a lift periodically when he picked up his son from kindergarten. I was wary and could not resist one day reading her correspondence with him in Agent. I didn’t like it, how enthusiastically she talked to him on various topics that she didn’t even talk to me about! Being jealous, I had a conversation with her on this topic and asked her not to communicate with him anymore, because... I once had a common-law wife before her (we lived together for 4 years) who left for the same GOOD guy. After some time, I simply forbade him to communicate with HIM under any pretext.
She deleted Agent from her phone and moved away from me a little, there were no particular conflicts, but I felt a cooling in the relationship. Then she went to work, began to smoke secretly from me, before that she didn’t particularly like to drink alcohol (wine on holidays), and then somehow we drank a bottle of ice cream together, I was very surprised. And at that moment, when I began to become interested and ask her various questions, she said that life had lost its meaning for her, she could not answer the question of whether she loved me!
I was very scared. I went into her Agent again and found so much there! She secretly met with HIM after my ban, and it was already an affair with dates; because of his wife’s suspicions, HE had a scandal and problems at home. Their relationship has already been 4 months old. They call each other Beloved, etc. refer to their meetings (and, judging by the text, they were).
What shocked me most was the emotional component of her betrayal rather than the physical one!
At first I panicked and could neither sleep nor eat. I thought I would cause a scandal, or go to HIM. But then I pulled myself together and tried to talk to my wife about our life, about love and relationships (I don’t advertise what I learned). But it’s still unclear, she doesn’t want to tell anything, she said that she doesn’t have anyone, and she’s silent about my love between us...
I know that I am also to blame, because... Most likely he did not pay enough attention to his wife.
I have rethought a lot, she lacks romance, novelty and she is still offended by me.
The most important thing is that I love her very much, I don’t want to lose her and destroy my family!
What should I do in such a situation???
Ruslan, Astana
Kirill 1990
I recently found out that my wife was dating another man, at first she said that she liked that man and he was running after her, then I saw them again in the car together, they sat together for a couple of hours, I didn’t see what they were doing there, I saw it from the window, I couldn’t get out since the child was small with me, I wouldn’t take her with me, later she replied that he just gave me a ride home since they work together.
The third time I saw the same thing in the car, I waited for my wife to come home and left her child, and that man was waiting for her downstairs in the car, so I went to talk to him, he was hiding in the back seat, an adult man, taller and taller than me, In short, after talking with him, it turned out that he didn’t know about me, as if my wife had been divorced from me for 3 years and I lived in the next doorway and that they had already had sex, after that I felt very bad, after talking with my wife it turned out that She’s really dating him, but she didn’t have sex with him, like that’s not true.
My wife started dating because I didn’t appreciate her, didn’t pay attention to her, in general I was bad and yes it’s true, I knew this, when I came home from work I immediately ran to the child, this was the most important thing for me and a month before of this incident, I realized all this, what a freak I was, I began to correct myself, and that’s when I again admitted to her that I loved her very much, asked for forgiveness that I couldn’t live without her, we lay together hugging, everything seemed fine, but I felt a chill from her. I went to work later and saw a man coming in after me, for some reason I suspected something was wrong and returned home and he was standing outside the apartment with my wife, then I saw them for the first time.
That guy told me that he would get away from her and wouldn’t bother her anymore, but no matter, he just started parking the car further, his wife also got into his car and drove away, I didn’t know what to do, my best friend said leave her, and only such thoughts visited me, but I knew that I needed to think soberly and slowly, after thinking for several days I came to the conclusion that I was really to blame and it would be right for me to apologize for doing this to her, having bought her a gift, I repented to her, I said that I need it, I can’t live without you, I promised that I’ll fix everything I’ve done, she said she’ll think about it, she needs time.
And while she’s thinking, I’m still watching her, I suspect her of everything, but I’m doing everything that a loving husband should do, and spying on his wife doesn’t lead to good, I saw her getting into his car again, I found out that she still corresponds with him, I saw candid photos that they send to each other and messages about how much they love each other, well, it was by chance, she herself was not careful, what I saw, she constantly leaves the phone and does not pick up, after a while she said that she’s finished with him and she still needs time to think, because she doesn’t believe me, and it so happens that I also can’t believe her that she’s finished with him, I still suspect her, I’m jealous, I can’t sleep, I’m shaking all over, I feel I don’t need myself, I walk around like a zombie, I know that I still love her and can’t live without her, I ask her if she needs me, she is silent, and says it’s your own fault...
If she had said that I was not needed, I would have left, but she doesn’t say, perhaps because the child will have no one to sit and she will not be able to go anywhere if not me...
And now I come to the main question of what to do with feelings, how to control myself for a while while she thinks, it seems to me that even if we make peace, everything will remain, I will also be jealous, suspect, control her, but she doesn’t want this, can we have In the future, everything will work out in a positive direction, or we need to end our relationship.
Question for a psychologist:
My ex-wife wanted a divorce because, according to her, she likes another young man and wants to be with him. But we have a common daughter, whom I love very much. My ex-wife and I have been divorced for more than a month, but I still can’t forget. At the beginning, I went to the hospital, experienced the most serious things there, I thought I would get out and everything would be fine. But I didn’t think about her for maybe 5 days. And then I found out that she was already living with him, and that he was playing with my daughter. Now I can’t forget her, and I think about my ex. And I know that we will no longer be together, because I will never forgive betrayal and my loved ones will not understand me. And I can’t date other girls now because I think about her. But I can’t communicate with other girls now. And now, when she’s doing well, she doesn’t even respond to text messages, and when she’s doing poorly, she writes herself. She knows when she feels bad, I feel it. And now I understand that some person took everything from me: my wife and daughter. When I walk with my daughter, she tells me everything about how good my ex is and that this uncle is playing with my daughter. How can I forget my ex-wife? So that I wouldn’t even think about her as good.
Psychologist Marina Georgievna Ladatko answers the question.
Good day, Mikhail. It is unlikely that you will be able to forget your ex-wife. She was a significant part of your life and yes, it was really good. But something didn’t suit her and she decided to change her life. Is this good or bad? It's impossible to say for sure. That's how it is. It's her choice. Whatever he is, she lives her life. You, Mikhail, live your life.
Once upon a time you yourself attracted this woman into your life and what you have now is your life experience. What does he teach you? To be stricter/stronger/wiser/more careful/trusting/to be more open or more closed? Think about it. Sit down and write a test for yourself: “What did the experience of living with this woman give me? What does this situation teach me?” Re-read and understand how you want to live for yourself (not for your parents, friends, acquaintances, wife - ex or future, but precisely in a way that makes you comfortable).
People come into our lives to teach us something. Some teach us throughout their lives, others just for a couple of years. But people can leave: leave us or leave life. It is difficult for us to build our lives in a new way and we suffer. It’s worth pulling yourself together and developing new habits. Our sadness for someone is simple physiology: the brain is stubborn and goes on strike, giving us withdrawal symptoms (depression, etc.), since it needs to develop new neural connections, and this is difficult. Therefore, Mikhail, control your brain! Give him a job: write what you would like to do, find or renew your hobbies, switch to hobbies, work, new people. Start doing something you haven’t done yet: if you haven’t gone out for a run in the morning, go out, and if you have, then go swimming; if you haven’t met girls or are shy, then start a conversation with them in line, in transport, at work... if you communicate easily, write letters to your friends, come up with something masterly, make your brain work for you.
Yes, Mikhail, being divorced for a month is still nothing: the memories are fresh (everything: smells, sensations, sounds, images). You can distance them, make them dim, play them like a watched film of which you are the director, indicate to the actors their place and role, rewrite the script, or just watch. This helps too. Try it. But, most importantly, you need to understand: little time has passed. It takes time to suffer. Yes, you can fall into deep melancholy and sour in it, until one day it comes by itself: “Enough!” Or you can exhale from the depths, untie this anchor and go on an independent voyage. Life is varied and interesting, just have time to catch the wave.
Mikhail, learn to live in a new way. It's always difficult, but possible. Expand your borders, open new horizons. Mentally express gratitude to your ex-wife for teaching you this. The daughter is calm and greets you joyfully - thanks to her mother and the person with whom they live.
Yes, it's a shame. It hurts. This is called humility and acceptance of life.
My wife and I lived only two years. We are not talking about children yet, and we never will. My parents raised me correctly, by their personal example, and they lived together for 30 long years. Therefore, when on a business trip cheated on his wife, remorse overcame me. I left my wife, I can’t look her in the eye.
For work matters, I needed to go to a neighboring city on a business trip. Anxious doubts and fears began to arise immediately as soon as I learned from my boss about the upcoming trip. He didn’t show it to his wife, so as not to upset her.
An old friend of mine lived in the city where I was sent. We haven't seen him for several years. I decided to meet him. Firstly, it was interesting to learn about his family life (he had been married for 10 years). And secondly, for some reason I decided to play it safe. I thought that my friend and I would not do things together that we would be very ashamed of later.
Having arrived in the city and having sorted out all the cases for which I was sent, we met with my friend. The meeting took place in a cafe. It was interesting to communicate with him, remembering all the mistakes of our youth. After some alcohol, my friend suggested that I go to a nightclub. It was a small town, so there was only one club here. I didn’t mind, I wanted to “get cultured” and look at the city I was in for the first time.
Arriving at the club, I noticed how my friend’s behavior had changed dramatically. He started looking for someone, looking around and taking too much into his chest. At first I tried to restrain him, but then I realized that such behavior was normal for him.
I remember the rest only in fragments. Separating myself from my friend, I sat down near the bar and ordered myself several servings of a strong drink. I remember how a charming blonde sat down next to me. We were talking about something until my friend appeared. Some girl was “hanging” around his neck. I vaguely remember what happened next. We drank and danced a lot, and in the morning I woke up in bed with a friend’s girlfriend.
It was a two-room hotel room. My friend slept in an embrace with a blonde who met me. Having woken up my friend, I was dumbfounded by his question: “So? Are we changing? Only then did I begin to remember what happened here that night. Out of resentment and anger at myself, I cried.
My friend sincerely did not understand what was happening to me. He fulfilled my request - he kicked the girls out of the room, and he began to calm me down. I honestly admitted that I was ashamed in front of my wife, that I would not be able to look her in the eyes. My friend just grinned. He began to talk about his nightly adventures, about cheating on his wife, about how this is normal and how everyone lives. But I was more surprised when he admitted that his wife knew about everything and was silent. She never reproached her husband, because otherwise he would have to divorce her, and since they have three children, she has nowhere to go with them and nothing to support. His cynicism amazed me. He takes advantage of the situation and his wife. One thing is not clear: why does he live with her if there is no love in the family?
I quickly got ready and went home. Having crossed the threshold of the apartment, my beloved wife greeted me with a joyful cry. And I, looking into her eyes, gave out only one phrase: “I cheated on you.” Oddly enough, my beloved did not shed tears or throw hysterics, for which I was sincerely grateful to her. Silently gathering my things, I left. He didn't stop me. Maybe she just hasn't realized it yet. I opened up to her from a completely different side.
It's been a month since I haven't lived at home. During this month, a firm decision was made to get a divorce. I just don’t dare voice it to my wife. I'm waiting for her to make the first move, for her to be ready to just talk to me, for her to hate me...