Why is a child jealous and how to deal with different types of childhood jealousy? Causes and forms of child jealousy in the family The first child is jealous of children

16.08.2023

Childhood jealousy is a frequent guest in families with two or more children.

Even if the child is alone, he still experiences this feeling, for example, when a mother is jealous of her father or vice versa.

Well, when a stepfather or stepmother appears in the family, this problem is inevitable.

How to deal with manifestations of jealousy in children? This will be discussed in this article.

Why are children jealous of their parents, their younger brothers and sisters, or each other?

Jealousy is nothing more than the fear of dislike. The baby is afraid that they will no longer love him so much. Because of this, he is offended and jealous.

With the arrival of a new family member, the child feels bewildered.

He doesn’t understand what to do now that he has a “competitor.” And doesn’t this mean that mom or dad, or even both at once, suddenly stopped loving him?

If you do not pay attention to this problem at the very beginning, then the child’s bewilderment sometimes develops into hostility towards the new relative and the desire to get rid of him, and if that doesn’t work, then at least to get attention to himself. In this case, any means are used: from pranks and the habit of doing things out of spite to simulating a serious illness.

Never confront your child with a fact. Before the arrival of a new family member, explain to him that, despite the appearance of a newcomer in the house, they will not stop loving him. In this case, manifestations of jealousy may be avoided.

Reasons

The causes of childhood jealousy are divided into two types:

External - independent of the child.
Internal - formed taking into account the characteristics of the character, upbringing or health status of the baby.

External reasons occurring in the family or in the life of a child, due to which he is deprived of some of his privileges. These include:

the birth of a younger brother or sister;
the beginning of a joint life of one parent with a new chosen one;
the appearance of new pupils or students in the group or class where the child is studying.

It is difficult for a child to come to terms with the appearance of half-brothers and sisters, which happens when a mother or father remarries a person who has children of their own. In this case, the child decides that those other children receive more parental attention and love, even if this is not the case.

A child may be jealous of his father or mother for their work. He does not understand why his parents devote so much time and attention to this incomprehensible “work”, and thinks that they are “stealing” it from him.

Internal causes of childhood jealousy:

Egocentrism. Children under 10–12 years old consider themselves the center of the Universe, therefore, when a new family member appears, they are simply not ready to share with him the attention, care and parental love that previously belonged undividedly to them alone.
Feedback. It occurs when the baby is deprived of attention, which he regards as injustice towards himself. This causes a violent protest on his part.
Inability to express feelings. When a baby does not yet know how to express feelings of love in words or actions, he often attracts the attention of his parents to himself with defiant behavior or insults, and this is also one of the manifestations of his jealousy towards them.
Unpreparedness for responsibility. It happens when, after the birth of a new baby, a child perceives “seniority” not as a privilege, but as a burden and an infringement of his own rights.
Increased anxiety. The child doubts himself and that he is worthy of love, which is why he worries and worries all the time. No matter what happens in the family or in life, he will have explanations for everything, far from the real reasons for what happened, but invariably connected with the child himself and with his shortcomings, and, as a rule, far-fetched.
Creating competition. This cannot be done without parental intervention. They compare the child with other children, and this comparison is not in his favor. This spoils the relationship between siblings, causing them to hate each other.
Feeling helpless. It occurs in children who see changes taking place in the family, but cannot influence their outcome.

Main features

Aggressiveness. It manifests itself in the desire to cause pain to the “competitor”: to hit, push, pinch, and sometimes with the help of fists to make it clear “who’s boss.” At the same time, psychological pressure is also common: a child can offend, call, talk about or persuade a “competitor” to do a bad deed, and then set him up.
Hyperactivity. If a previously calm child suddenly begins to show excessive activity, his parents should think about the reasons for the child’s behavior, since it may also indicate his jealousy.
Neurotic reactions. In some children who are sensitive, the manifestation of jealousy is sometimes not behavior, but reactions from the nervous system. For example: hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.

It happens that a child experiences a feeling of jealousy inside, without bringing it out “for everyone to see.” But the absence of visible manifestations does not mean that this problem does not exist.

In this case, signs of childhood jealousy include:

Anxiety. It is manifested by sleep disturbances, problems with the digestive system, changes in taste preferences, the emergence of fears and deterioration in academic performance in schoolchildren.
Change of mood. If suddenly a cheerful and active child suddenly becomes sad and starts crying constantly, this may mean that he is experiencing stress caused by jealousy.
Lack of independence. Sometimes older children “forget how” when they have a younger brother or sister to do what they knew how to do before. The child becomes like a baby because he thinks that in this case he will receive the same amount of parental attention as his brother or sister.
Health problems. Due to stress, a child gets sick more often, and chronic diseases worsen for no apparent reason.

Sometimes children use simulation or even trauma to attract attention to themselves, thus blackmailing their parents.

How to deal with jealousy

Jealousy is a destructive feeling, primarily for the jealous person himself.

In addition, children's jealousy heats up the situation in the family and sometimes causes quarrels between children, their parents or other relatives.

Below we will consider ways to combat three types of jealousy: towards a younger brother or sister; to father or mother; to your stepfather or stepmother.

All of these types have their own characteristics related to what caused jealousy, and each of them requires a special approach.

To the youngest child

When a second baby appears in the family, a problem arises due to its increase: the reaction of the older child to the birth of the youngest.

What to do in this case?

You cannot give the first-born a reason to think that the newborn baby is his rival in the fight for parental love. Parents must convey to him the idea that the appearance of a younger child is inevitable. You can’t ask your firstborn: “Do you want a brother or sister?”, but you just need to confront him with a fact. Then the eldest child will think that this is how it is necessary for a second baby to appear in the family and will perceive his appearance as an inevitable reality.
It is necessary to explain to the older child that his parents will not stop loving him and that the appearance of a baby will not change anything in the attitude of mom and dad towards him.
Parents need to prepare their son or daughter to take care of the baby when he is not yet born, and say that they will certainly need the help of an older child in caring for the newborn baby.
To avoid jealousy of the elder towards the younger, after the birth of the second baby you cannot say: “I love you equally.” Each child must be treated in a special way - as if he were the only one in the family.

The older the first child, the easier it is for him to accept both temporary hardships and parental explanations regarding the appearance of a second child in the family. With proper preparation of such a child for the upcoming event, problems with jealousy arise at a minimum or do not appear at all.

When children with a large age difference grow up in a family, it is important to avoid two extremes:

Increased attention paid to only one child. In this case, parents may encounter pronounced jealousy on the part of their other son or daughter.
Require the first-born to take care of the youngest. Mom and dad must remember that the eldest is also a child who needs parental attention and care. You can involve the firstborn in caring for the baby and household chores, but you cannot deprive him of his own life.

Parents should gratefully accept the help of the eldest child and invariably praise him for it.

To one of the parents

It happens that even without the appearance of a younger child in the family, childhood jealousy cannot be avoided. The eldest of the children is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad or vice versa, which is why one parent is jealous of the other.

Ways to avoid jealousy towards one of your parents:

Talk to the baby and explain to him that love for him and the love of parents for each other are different feelings that do not replace one another. And that the love and attention of dad or mom is enough for all family members.
If, when the other parent expresses feelings, the child becomes capricious or, worse, throws a tantrum, under no circumstances should you distance yourself from your husband or wife and run to calm the baby down. Try to involve him in the process: for example, invite your husband and child to kiss you at the same time or in turn, or hug them both yourself.
Abstraction. If no persuasion or tricks work, and the child continues to scream and cry, it is necessary to divert his attention and, if necessary, take him to another room. And only after he calms down, it will be possible to discuss with him the reasons for the hysteria that happened.

To a new dad or mom

If people who already have children get married, the problem of jealousy towards the new chosen one of mom or dad is almost inevitable.

Due to the fact that father and mother have different functions in the family, children’s attitudes towards new adult family members are structured differently depending on who came to the family: stepfather or stepmother.

First, let's consider the situation when a child has a new mother.

To avoid the jealousy of your husband’s children, you need to follow the following rules:

A new mother needs to be prepared for the fact that her husband’s children will react negatively to her appearance in the family.
You cannot immediately show dissatisfaction with the behavior of your husband’s children or, even more so, scold them for it. First you need to gain their respect and sympathy by caring for them and showing them attention.
A new mother can expect constant comparisons with the child’s natural mother. Most often, these comparisons are not in favor of the stepmother. In this case, she just needs to endure such a situation. After some time, her relationship with her husband’s children will become more trusting. In the meantime, the new mother should make it clear to her husband’s child that she is not an enemy, but an ally and perhaps even a friend.
The child probably dreams that his own mother, if she is alive, will return to the family. He may show aggression towards his father's new wife, be rude to her, or simply ignore her. In this case, it is worth telling your spouse about the behavior of his son or daughter, but it is unacceptable to blame the child or his real mother.
If the husband’s child has “embarked on the warpath” - he complains to his father about his new mother, provokes her or snaps at her, and sometimes attracts other relatives to his side, in no case should you succumb to these provocations. It is necessary to show the child that his plan to expose his stepmother in an unfavorable light has been figured out, but no retaliatory action should be taken. You cannot transfer the negativity from the child’s actions onto your husband or spoil relationships with other relatives. This will not solve, but will only worsen the problem.

The mother and father, not only in words, but also in deeds, need to make it clear to the child that their marriage is unshakable, and no provocations on his part will destroy the family.

A different situation arises if a new dad comes to the family.

Children sometimes experience not just hostility, but real hatred towards their stepfather: after all, he “stole” their mother, and they cannot forgive their mother for “betrayal.” In this case, it is necessary to use all possible ways to improve relationships with children, such as:

Convey to the child the idea that every person has the right to love and be loved. We need to explain to the children that their mother’s love is enough for both them and her new husband.
You can't allow yourself to be manipulated. It is necessary to stop all attempts to make the mother feel guilty. A child must learn for the rest of his life that blackmail is unacceptable under any circumstances.
It is necessary to give your son or daughter attention for at least an hour a day. Let it be time that belongs only to the mother and him or her: for example, the tradition of having a heart-to-heart talk before bed. Otherwise, the emotional losses of the child will be prohibitively great.
You should not discuss the family situation too often, showing excessive concern for the child and his new dad to become friends. Usually this happens on its own.

The older the child, the longer it may take him to recognize the new adult in the family as “one of his own.”

Childhood jealousy arises due to the fact that the child is afraid of losing the world that is familiar to him, where he is loved and where he is valued. Manifestations of childhood jealousy cannot be ignored: you need to notice them in time and fight them. It should be remembered that the jealousy of children is those feelings and emotions that can remain with them for the rest of their lives and greatly complicate it in the future.

Many parents with two children of different ages have sooner or later encountered severe childhood jealousy. And almost all mothers and fathers do not know what to do in such a situation. We will answer: do not ignore it under any circumstances. Try to understand the reasons for jealousy and act gently but persistently.

The family has a youngest child

The first attacks of jealousy usually occur when the older child, after the birth of the younger one, begins to feel less loved: it happens that the older child tries to harm the little brother or sister in some way, and the parents are even afraid to leave him alone with the baby.

To avoid this, psychologists usually advise preparing the older child for the arrival of the younger one in advance, especially if he has not yet asked for a brother or sister. Psychologists advise telling the older child as often as possible that his parents will love him and his future brother or sister equally strongly. In addition, you should talk about the positive aspects of your eldest child’s new status: that with the birth of the baby, the eldest will have a new friend who will always be with him, and with whom he will have fun and not be lonely. Tell your child that a younger brother or sister is a real gift from life.

In addition, the child needs to form an idea of how babies look and behave, so that he does not think that he will suddenly have a smiling friend of the same age, and not a screaming baby.

Be sure to call your older and younger child different diminutives and nicknames. Do not give or give toys and things of an older person to a younger one without permission, especially those things that he is used to. When punishing older children for being naughty, create the same work for them so that none of them gets the impression that because someone has an easier job, that person is their parents’ favorite. If you have a younger child in bed with you, invite the older one too. Tell both children how much you love them and that they both contain your soul and the meaning of life. Don’t set your other child as an example to your child: if you want to set someone as an example, then let it be other people’s children. If you praise the first child for successes and strengths that the second does not have, be sure to praise the strengths and successes of the second child. Tell your children that everyone is strong at some things and not so strong at others, and that this is completely normal.

After the birth of the youngest child, ask guests to first chat with the older one and bring a gift for him, and then go see the baby.

It is very important not to leave the baby alone with the older child at first - even if the older child loves him very much and does not express anything out loud that looks like jealousy. The child may simply be trying to feed the baby adult food or trying to get him out of the crib out of good intentions. Do not show your child that you were scared when you saw his desire to take the baby in his arms: thank him for his impulse, for his love for his younger brother. This is important so that the child does not think that you do not trust him with his younger brother or sister. Invite him to help you with something else: for example, bring your brother's socks or open a package of diapers. With an older child (and later with two), read fairy tales where there are brothers and sisters, watch films.

If the younger child bursts into tears or tears up the older child’s drawing, gently tell the baby in the presence of the older child: “You’re crying and don’t let our Vanechka do his homework,” “You can’t tear Vanechka’s drawings.” Turn on a home video where you can see that your older child in infancy also constantly cried, lay in his arms, and so on, so that the older one is sure that he received the same things in his infancy.

If you feel guilty because you think you are paying more attention to one of your children, this is normal - all good parents feel guilty and, most likely, your feelings are exaggerated. All it takes is your love, patience, and thoughtfulness to make each child feel loved.

What NOT to say to an older child

1. Don't turn your child into a responsible adult. With phrases like: “You are an adult now, you must, must now behave like an adult, be quieter, don’t disturb,” thus, you are depriving your baby of childhood;

“We can’t buy you this toy because you now have a little brother, and mom and dad don’t have money for such expensive toys,” don’t let the child conclude that some of his wishes are not fulfilled, that he is in what -limited due to the fact that he has a little brother.

2. Give the older child his personal space, this way you will once again show that with the appearance of a baby in your life you are not infringing on him in any way. Therefore, the following phrases are unacceptable: “Well, give him your toy, he’s small” or: “You should give your crib to your little brother,” especially if the older one is barely three years old, when violation of personal space is very acutely perceived.

“Well, even if he breaks your tower made of cubes, is it difficult for you to build a new one?”

3. Never compare your older child with your younger one. By telling him: “Your little brother always eats what is given to him, but you need to beg” or: “Even a small child does not behave like you,” you seem to emphasize that the youngest child has priority in the family compared to senior

“Don’t be selfish, be quiet, he’s sleeping!” - the child may try after a while to deliberately start making noise after such a phrase.

You need to show the older child that you treat him and the younger one the same, and such phrases can greatly change his attitude towards the newborn and arouse jealousy.

What SHOULD you say to your older child?

1. Explain to the older child that the increased attention to his younger brother or sister is due solely to his helplessness, and not to the fact that he is more loved. “Look how little your sister is. You, too, were so little, and dad and I also rocked you in our arms, and you also cried at night. All the little ones cry at night.” Phrases like this are needed so that your older child understands that he, too, was at that age and was looked after just as well as the younger one.

2. Gently encourage your child to take care of his little brother or sister so that he feels like an important member of the family: “Look, your little brother is sleeping. This means we won’t make any noise in the room, but will play together in the kitchen. Dad and I don’t run around the room and scream when you’re sleeping.”

“Do you want to let your sister play with this bear? The bear is bored because he sits on a shelf and no one plays with him. And Masha will play and give it back”: offer to give up the toy, but don’t insist and certainly don’t demand if the child doesn’t want to give up his things. Don’t forget to let your older child play with your younger child’s toys.

Emphasize the love of the younger one for the older one: “Look how your brother loves you, he smiles at you,” “He waved his hand at you,” “Look, he even crawls after you, not me.”

“He didn’t break your turret on purpose. He is still small and does not understand that he did something wrong, and he himself does not yet know how to make such beautiful turrets as yours. Let us build a new one."

“Would you like to play with me and dad while grandma takes a walk with Masha?”

“It’s so great that you wanted to feed your little sister! But it’s too early for her to eat cutlets and potatoes. For now she only eats milk from her mother’s breast.”

Signs of jealousy in an older child and feelings of loneliness

1. Or vice versa, he is too active. It’s not so bad if the child directly told you: “You love me less than him!” - in this case, you can immediately calmly talk to him and explain that when he was little, you also took care of him, that you love both children and are upset because you have to hear such words.

2. He tries to attract your attention to himself in different ways - he not only strives to be obedient and show good results in classes or studies, but, on the contrary, he refuses to obey, hooligans, and does something to spite you.

3. He often asks to be in the stroller with the younger one, asks to rock him in his arms like a younger one, or to breastfeed him, to give him a pacifier or a potty. In this case, just give him what he asks for - the child will try and understand that he no longer needs it and will calm down.

4. He tries to harm the younger one, especially when you ask him not to.

Of course, at first it is difficult to follow all these recommendations and maintain friendly relations between children in the family, while not forgetting to pay attention to your husband. But then, when the youngest child grows up, the friendship of your children to each other and to you will be the best reward for your efforts and your pride in life.

Olga Ananyeva

The first baby, beloved by parents and grandparents, may experience moral discomfort at the moment when his younger brother or sister is born. Due to the new way of life, parents see that the child is jealous of the younger one; the psychologist’s advice in this case has a clear structure and direction, which is expressed in the formation of the same attitude towards both children.

If the baby feels an insufficiently warm attitude toward himself or parental love manifests itself more strongly in communication with the newborn child, then the elder begins to experience jealousy, which affects his mental state and

Correcting the situation in a timely manner and contacting a child psychologist will turn the older child’s jealousy towards the newborn into an understanding that the attitude towards him in the family has not changed, and his help and mutual understanding are important to parents when communicating with all family members.

Hostility or jealousy of an older child towards a younger one is quite common, since the all-encompassing love of modern parents for children makes children become attached to them and the baby perceives any changes in the behavior of adults as stress. Psychologists have also identified other objective reasons that can affect a child’s behavior; in order to eliminate negative aspects in relationships with children, they must be analyzed and tried to never be allowed to happen.

Feeling lonely

This reason for jealous behavior more often occurs in children who were the only child in the family. Due to fatigue and a change in the “ruling” party in the house, the mother, one way or another, pays less attention to the older child.

Every child psychologist immediately identifies a similar situation, as the child begins to behave distrustfully and secretly. It’s hard for him to realize that his younger brother or sister is also vying for parental love.

The way out of the situation is based on building trusting relationships through joint care of the baby, during which all family members have common concerns, and therefore time for spending time together and family conversations.

Every psychologist notes that in a family with two or more children, adaptation to a new addition to the family is perceived as the norm. Since parental attention already extends to several children, both mom and dad already know how to distribute their love and affection.

Lack of attention, separation from mother

This reason follows from the first and occurs immediately after a younger brother or sister is born. The parents' state of fatigue leads to the fact that they constantly brush it off, play less, and talk little with their first-born.

The little one takes up almost all of the mother’s time, so constant care and love is divided into two, the adult baby begins to be jealous, which leads to psychological problems and in the future a psychologist may be needed to rehabilitate the baby.

The need to grow up

As soon as a newborn baby appears in the family, the older child becomes an adult and acquires new responsibilities. He needs to help his parents with the little one and do household chores. In addition, the mother no longer has time to clean up after her two children and the first baby has to clean up her own “mess” on her own.

For small pranks that adults liked, children are increasingly scolded and called to responsibility.

The psychologist’s advice in this case is the same: do not force your first-born to do household chores, but explain to him that cleaning is an opportunity to help his mother and she will be very grateful.

Psychologists identify signs in a child’s behavior that indicate jealousy towards a younger child. These include behavior when:

The always obedient baby has become capricious and irritable. For no apparent reason, he freaks out and cries;
The older one regresses in skills, tries to become like the “small one”. Some children may start peeing or sucking their thumb, attracting the attention of their parents;
The baby does not want to share the toys and clothes he has outgrown;
Jealousy also manifests itself when a child is overly curious about a newborn., he is interested in toys and accessories and everything that happens to the younger one.

By following the advice of psychologists, you can avoid deep moral trauma if you identify these signs in time and immediately begin working to improve your relationship with a jealous child.

How jealous a child is

Every child psychologist talks about three types of jealous behavior. Because babies express themselves differently when communicating with adults when they are sure that the newborn takes up more of their time than he does.

To give advice on solving the problem, it is necessary to determine the type of jealous behavior in the child. Types of jealousy include:

Passive when the baby withdraws into himself, talks less, laughs less, and is often in a depressed, sad state.
Behavioral, when the firstborn attracts attention to himself, he commits actions uncharacteristic of his age. Constantly pulls his mother back when she is with the youngest.

Another manifestation of the fact that the baby has begun to be jealous is that he puts on a diaper, demands food in a bottle, wants to appear like a baby so that his mother will take care of him like a little one.

Aggressive when the baby begins to be jealous and at the same time behaves aggressively towards the younger one. In this case, the newborn may suffer physical injuries, so parents should immediately contact a professional; the psychologist will give important advice on how to quickly restore harmony in the baby’s soul.

The older you get, the easier it gets.

According to child psychologist Janusz Korczak and others: the older the child, the less concerned he is about the younger one, or more precisely about his behavior and the fact that his parents share their love.

The older the firstborn is, the more independent activities he has: sections, clubs, games. A teenager, as a rule, has more friends and can spend time outside doing activities that interest him. Therefore, there is no need for an adult child to be jealous of his parents when a younger brother or sister is born, because he has already received all his mother’s love in full in childhood.

The most important advice is that for the peace of mind of the baby, after the youngest baby is born, parents need to correctly distribute attention between the children and create a trusting atmosphere within the family. Psychologists advise teaching your child to help and understand others by example.

If the younger one nevertheless became the reason that the first-born began to be jealous, reconsider your behavior. Involve your baby in caring for the baby, let him provide diapers, diapers, and look after the baby while he sleeps.

You can trust rocking your baby to sleep in a crib, stroller, and playing while awake.

Show the “grown man” his first photos, tell him that he was also small, and he was given a lot of time, which is now required by the smallest baby.

In a safe environment, on a sofa or bed, let your baby hold it, let it feel awe and a certain responsibility.

Every child psychologist will first of all give the following advice: do not scold the baby for awkward movements towards the baby, praise any positive manifestations and help in caring for his younger brother or sister.

In addition to directly working on harmony in the family, after the birth of the second baby, it is necessary to prepare the first-born to meet a new, small family member:

A child who is not properly prepared to meet his brother or sister will be jealous of the second child. Along with this, every child psychologist advises parents to be an example in nurturing such qualities as mutual understanding and mutual assistance. Be attentive to your baby, and then he will become your most important assistant in caring for your newborn.

Children can be very jealous. Everyone knows about this, and in relation to adults who are overly jealous, the comparison “like children” is often used. The mechanisms of development of childhood jealousy are very complex and are not similar to those in adults. And children’s jealousy cannot be underestimated, it cannot be ignored, since it can cause deep emotional trauma that will manifest itself later when the child becomes an adult.

Why and how children are jealous and what parents should do in this or that situation, we will tell you in this article.

Mechanisms

Children's jealousy is always caused by the fear of being unloved and unprotected. In childhood, trees seem big, and troubles seem insurmountable; the world for a toddler begins with his mother and is mainly limited to her. Until a certain age, the mother is the main guarantor of security, the source of love and tenderness, which children need no less than food and water, sleep and games. The fear of losing at least a small fraction of this love of the main person for the baby gives rise to jealousy.

You should not think that children perceive a loved one as property; this is more typical of adult jealousy. The mechanism for the development of negative reactions in children is usually different: at first there is bewilderment as to why and where someone came from, to whom the mother pays attention. The inability, due to age and lack of life experience, to explain everything to oneself and give answers to tormenting questions is transformed into psychological rejection of the situation. If the situation does not disappear from this, it begins protest, which can be either open or take the form of a severe internal conflict.

The baby cannot quickly adapt to new living conditions. But he cannot exist in them either. Because of this, his conflict begins not with himself, but with others. His behavior changes, he tries in every possible way to return to the old order of things, familiar and familiar, and tries to attract his mother’s attention.

Childhood jealousy is a cry for help that cannot be ignored, as it is fraught with serious consequences for the child’s psyche.

After two years of age, children gain the ability to slightly restrain their emotions and manifestations of jealousy, but from this moment jealousy becomes especially dangerous, since the baby transfers his experiences deep inside his soul. The biggest jealous children in the world are children from 2 to 5 years old, it is at this age that the need to be loved and any encroachment on his personal source of love are perceived extremely painfully.

Children of any age are jealous The most destructive thing for everyone can be a teenager's jealousy, after all, a big child is already capable of giving answers to some questions, but these answers clearly do not suit him.

The more accumulated life experience a child has, the stronger the fear of losing the favor of an important person will be and the more sophisticated the options for revenge against the “offender” and “invader” may be.

Danger

Why shouldn’t you hope that the child will “go crazy” and outgrow his jealousy and deliberately ignore it? The answer is quite simple - the anger that he experiences, as well as the fear that possesses him, together can become a solid basis for the development of a mental disorder. A considerable percentage of phobias and paranoid disorders, according to experienced psychiatrists, have deep, “childish” roots, and are based precisely on that same destructive childhood jealousy.

It is she who can displace everything positive that a child needs for the formation of his personality, and then from a suffering child, who was not pitied in time, not accepted and not understood, a very cruel and cynical adult can grow up, who has learned one thing for himself: pity and participation have no place in this world.

Children whose jealousy was not properly corrected at an early age turn over the years into very “problematic” teenagers, with whom it becomes difficult for parents to cope; they often end up in “bad stories” and inappropriate companies.

In all cases, with an internal conflict unresolved in childhood, complexes are formed that already in adolescence, and then in adulthood, significantly complicate existence: difficulties with self-identification appear, it is difficult for a person to maintain relationships, achieve heights in the professional sphere, various sexual deviations may develop. relationships, a person becomes a pathological jealous person, with whom it is not only impossible, but also dangerous to live under the same roof.

Reasons

The main reason that causes children's jealousy is dramatically changed external circumstances that change the order of relationships in the family. Most often this is the birth of a brother or sister. If the child has not been properly prepared for the arrival of a new little person, if even during pregnancy they have not made him an “accomplice” and assistant, then bewilderment at the sight of a squeaking bundle brought from the maternity hospital will very quickly turn into hatred of the younger brother or sister, because he will demand more attention from mom.

Preliminary preparation of a child for such changes is an important condition for a gentler adaptation, but, unfortunately, it is not a guarantee that there will be no jealousy.

It is impossible to predict the possibility of its occurrence.

Second popular a situation in which a child begins to be jealous is associated with changes in the parent’s personal life. If a child lived with his mother, and a new adult appears - the mother’s beloved, no matter how good a person he is, the child, to one degree or another, is jealous of the mother of this man. A daughter can be no less jealous of her mother’s new husband than a little son.

The spirit of competition in childhood is very important, it allows kids to master methods of achieving goals and striving for better results, many children's games are based on it, but it can become the main source of jealousy if parents, as it seems to him, pay more attention to other people's children: they are so jealous of nephews, children of friends, neighbor's children. Children's jealousy can be very diverse.

Often a child is jealous of mom and dad, and dad of mom, and to a certain extent this is also understandable, because the second parent also needs the attention and time of the first, and, as a rule, the child is not taken with them to these “meetings”.

Manifestations

Children, unlike adults, do not have a large “range” of selected reactions, and therefore most often act this way.

The child demonstrates his helplessness. Even if he knew how to put on shoes and dress, then suddenly he “forgets” all the skills and urgently demands help from his mother. Most often, this is how the older child’s jealousy of the newborn manifests itself, since, according to children’s logic, having become as helpless as the baby, he will again gain the mother’s all-encompassing attention.
The child becomes hostile. Aggression and rejection are directed at the object that has taken away attention. This happens at the birth of a second child, with a new marriage of the only parent. The baby refuses to communicate with the new family member; If we are talking about a newborn, then jealousy can acquire quite dangerous traits: the older child can cause injuries, bruises, and burns to the younger one.
Sudden change in behavior. If the baby was active and inquisitive and suddenly became withdrawn and uncommunicative, it is likely that his jealousy occurs in a dangerous hidden form.

Physiological changes. A child, even at 7–9 years old, can suddenly begin to pee in his sleep, his sleep and appetite are disturbed, existing diseases worsen, and neurological or other disorders appear. Psychosomatic components are diverse. Most often, a child who does not want to see a new person in the family, be it dad’s new wife or mom’s new husband, or the youngest child, begins to suffer from diseases of the organs of vision and hearing, he often has otitis media, and there are signs of decreased visual acuity. In second place are diseases of the gastrointestinal tract and kidneys.

Particular attention should be paid to the Oedipus complex and the Electra complex. In the first case, the son is jealous of his mother’s father or stepfather, in the second, the daughter is jealous of her father’s new wife or even her own mother. Both of these complexes are a manifestation of unconscious love for a representative of the opposite sex, from which in due time a completely correct sexual orientation will be formed. The age of onset of such complexes is 2–6 years. After the age of six, children tend to be like their parents of the same sex.

It is important to clearly define the boundaries of such love. If there is a “skew”, for example, if the Oedipus complex is too strong, a child-boy after 6 years of age will want to be like his mother, and not like his father, which can ultimately lead to the formation of homosexual tendencies due to his self-identification as a female type.

Procedure for adults

Of course, the best choice is preventive psychotherapy. Before the birth of your second child, you need to prepare your eldest: show him his own photos as an infant, talk about how his brother or sister is growing in his mother’s tummy, consult with the first-born about choosing a crib and stroller, toys and clothes for the baby. The more a child feels his own importance, the better..

It is important to talk with the baby in advance about the fact that a new adult will soon appear in the family, if such circumstances exist.

Tell him that he is kind and good, that he is already looking forward to this meeting and dreams of getting to know each other. It is optimal if the child meets his future stepfather and establishes a primary relationship before a decision is made about the adults living together.

If no preparation was made, and it was not possible to avoid jealousy, the following advice from a psychologist will help.

Ask your older child to help you, show how significant his participation in caring for the baby can be, but do not turn the child into a nanny. Gradually, the older one will love the younger one with all his heart, but for now let him help give a pacifier or baby cream, or push the stroller.

Find just an hour every day, but exclusively for your older child. Read, draw together, watch cartoons or a movie, just walk down the street together. It is very important not to skimp on expressing your love for him.
Organize joint leisure activities more often, in which there is a place for all family members: a joint trip to the cinema, a picnic, a hike, a trip to the sea. Do it together.
Do not try to appease your child with gifts, depriving him of attention. Take his experiences seriously, encourage him to talk, let the baby talk about his feelings. Be a good listener.
Severely suppress attempts to show any aggression. This is the case when there are no compromises.

If you notice cruelty, immediately strictly explain the inadmissibility of this. If you notice it again, take pedagogical measures.

Hello, dear readers! While awaiting the arrival of my second baby, I dug through a mountain of books about childhood jealousy and sibling relationships. I listened to webinars, talked to other mothers, read articles... Before, I was very theoretically savvy. I was sure that this would not happen to us. After all, I know that I need to pay a lot of attention to my eldest daughter! I know that I have to come home from the maternity hospital with a gift. That you can’t actively admire the baby and the like... But now I understand that children’s jealousy at the birth of a second child is in many cases inevitable. In this article I will tell you what helped me completely neutralize this unpleasant moment.

How was it for us?

At the moment, our daughter is 2 years and 10 months old, and our son is 9.5 months old. Now I can confidently say that there is no jealousy in our family. But it was. True, only two weeks...

Every mother understands that with the arrival of a brother, it will be very difficult for the eldest child. For obvious reasons. He will have to go through some stress. You will have to get used to a new family member and new conditions. The Internet is full of advice like “spend more time with your older child,” “the interests of the older child should be taken into account first,” and so on. But even if you do everything right, there is a high probability that your child will still become jealous of the younger one. After all, there is no way you can live the same way as before and pretend that nothing has changed. Of course, unless the newborn sleeps 24 hours a day.

Here we are. Despite the active help of my husband, I had to constantly feed the baby and carry him in my arms. At the same time, I played with my daughter a lot, a lot, and gave the newborn to dad at every opportunity. In the first month, it is still easy to combine activities with both children. The baby still fits in one arm and is ready to nurse for a long time. In most cases, you can somehow adapt and play with the older one while the second child is in your arms.

So, despite all my efforts, a little jealousy was still present. My daughter took away her brother’s pacifier, clothes, diapers... She was more capricious and excited. Parents do not need to be afraid of small problems at the initial stage. Most often, they pass quite quickly. You just need to be patient and do your best.

After two weeks, the eldest child began to feel calmer about the new little one. And a month later the conflicts stopped altogether. Some kind of love and affection came only six months later, but the main thing was the absence of jealousy. All this required from me sensitivity and the ability to translate theory into practice... All children have different temperaments, and my advice cannot suit absolutely everyone. But perhaps this will help you quickly establish relationships between brothers or sisters.

The first months with two children

Of course, it’s the most difficult one. It has its advantages: a newborn does not claim any toys, sleeps a lot (even if on the chest), and does not need to be actively monitored. And there are downsides. The most important of which is that the eldest child is not yet used to sharing his mother and brother. What to do? For successful adaptation, do not forget the following rules:

Work with your older baby not just a lot, but a lot. More than usual. Of course, this is not always possible. You also need to somehow catch your breath and recover after childbirth. You yourself should come first (a tired, irritated mother will do no good to anyone), and the eldest child should come second. Everything else is on the third. And housekeeping is in the twentieth.
Let the older baby “play” with your wonderful “toy” - a newborn. Teach him to gently touch the newborn. Try to translate everything into a game and do everything together. Change diaper, dress, bathe. Some mothers recommend giving their eldest daughter a large doll. And let everyone rock their own doll. You can try, of course. But it didn’t work out for us. No doll can compare with a living child. The main principle is that when dealing with a small child, concentrate on the older child. Do everything through the elder. When you change your diaper, have a conversation with your elder. Show him everything, explain it. The majority of your energy should be focused on your first baby.
Even if your first child is not yet two years old, avoid enthusiastically discussing your birth and everything related to the newborn in front of him. And don’t show your delight at the sight of these little arms and legs at all. Yes, it's difficult. But all the tenderness and enthusiastic kisses are appropriate only when the elder is already asleep. After a few months, you will be able to become more free with your feelings. And then, with an eye on the reaction of the elder. And at first, try to be as restrained as possible.
When you can’t be restrained, compensate for the delight of your newborn with the delight of your first child. Are you touched by your first smile? Immediately and sincerely praise your big baby. Hug, caress. So that he can see that they haven’t forgotten about him.
Try not to compare children. Especially out loud. Modern psychology tirelessly repeats this. Children will differ from each other, but it is better to draw parallels less often. “Sasha turned over at 3 months, and Vanya only at 4 months” - we are all guilty of such comparisons, but let the kids hear them as little as possible.
It is advisable to exclude many possibilities for rivalry. At first, you should not put the baby in your older brother’s crib or stroller. Then - yes, you can smoothly come to this (and even then, not always).

General things

When the baby grows a little, he begins to encroach on all the nearest toys. Starts to break “towers” of cubes built by someone else. He begins to tear up the drawings. And books, if mom didn’t have time to put them somewhere higher. How to avoid jealousy?

How to react to attacks of jealousy?

And so your elder begins to behave somewhat aggressively, to be capricious, to intensely demand attention... Often children ask their mother to get rid of the newborn, and they become very harmful and greedy. Our daughter demanded to “put Lala back in her belly.” There is nothing to worry about here, the main thing is to respond to such behavior in a timely manner. There is no need to fight jealousy. It needs to be neutralized gently. Find time and energy for your older child. Play with him even more. Hug him even more. Give even more praise. Yes, it's not easy. But you have to try.

Useful video on how to cope with irritation with your first child from a psychologist:

And the last important piece of advice: at every opportunity, show your elder how much your brother loves him. You can “stroke” it with the hands of a younger toddler. Hug. And emphasize: “Do you see how happy he is with you? Look how he looks at you! See how much he loves you! And this is him talking to you. He wants to hug you so bad! It’s a pity that he can’t do it yet.” It's not that difficult. Usually babies are really delighted with their big brothers and sisters...

Did your children have jealousy? How did you cope? Share in the comments!

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