Increasingly, humorous monologues for women are heard from concert stages and television screens today. A real breakthrough in this direction was made by the Comedy Woman program. And many humorous monologues for women were published.
Ladies' irony: with your sword and at your... neighbors!
Humorous monologues for women are often directed against the shortcomings of the fair sex. That is, the ladies seem to laugh at themselves. And this is the zest that makes humorous monologues for women so attractive. Uninhibited artists who do not hesitate to appear funny and absurd allow them to see their shortcomings from the outside.
Here classic version: an offended spouse shares her pain with her friend over the phone.
And guess what, he tells me: “You have no hobbies at all!” I have this - and no! Yes, with my hobbies I can open doors without using my hands! And if I want, I can easily sneak a bottle of champagne and a couple of brooms into them from the wedding unnoticed. Well, citrus with them - let it be “pomelo”... You, Ank, why are you picking on me? I don’t understand... Are you for him or for me?
Fight, search, find, don’t let go!
A whole layer of ironic works is devoted to the problem of finding a soul mate. About how creatively some ladies try to solve the problem, humorous monologues about women that are sure to make listeners smile.
Basically, a characteristic of most people can be seen in miniatures: they present themselves completely differently from how others see them.
The second “trick” is reflections on the representatives of the stronger half, which organically fit into the woman’s humorous monologue. Ladies can talk about men endlessly! They simply love to remember their past relationships, share experiences, how to “tame” their husbands, and raise them. The search for a soulmate is the subject of humorous monologues for women, the texts of which are presented below.
Advertisement in the newspaper about acquaintance “Puss in Socks”
One day, an old lady showed up at our editorial office alone. Well, God's dandelion - one word. From somewhere out of the depths of her skirts and sweaters she pulled out a completed free advertisement form and laid it out on the table.
I took a piece of paper in my hands and read it. And I’m simply amazed! Grandma’s imagination, it should be noted, is so... inexhaustible! The very first phrase delighted me. Listen to this: “My cat! An affectionate and caring cat is waiting for you in her cozy apartment, on a soft bed... Hurry up, otherwise another one will take your place!”
And although we have instructions from above not to approach clients with our ideas and tips, I could not resist and asked: “Granny, why do you need this “cat”? You live peacefully in your cozy apartment - and that’s okay. And then some rogue will appear, smoke, and scatter his socks all around...” And the granny answered me: “Daughter, where have you seen cats in socks, huh?”
Granny was really looking for a cat for her cat, but I thought who knows what.
A humorous monologue of a woman about men “Fatal sexy is looking for a soul mate”
This text may be a continuation of the first miniature, since the action takes place in the same editorial office where advertisements are accepted. But this time a very curvaceous lady came in a lilac short coat, a green hat and an orange scarf. The ad said that the sexy fatale was looking for her soulmate. Okay, I gritted my teeth and kept quiet: sexy is sexy, everyone has their own understanding of this word.
Monologue about the first wife and cabbage jam
My first husband was, in principle, a good person. I was just really fixated on food. No matter what I cook, he always compares it with my mother’s cooking. “Cucumbers are not fried!” And why? These are the same zucchini, only unripe. Why not fry them? “They don’t make jam from cabbage!” Strange... They cook it from tomatoes, they cook it from pumpkin, but not from cabbage?
I am by nature a person with imagination. And I don’t like to walk the beaten path. In general, my first characters and I did not agree.
A story about a second husband and a suit from under the bed
The lady - fatally sexy - continues her humorous monologue. Men and women switched places as if in her story. This adds irony to the performance: everyone is accustomed to the fact that it is the stronger sex who sometimes allows themselves to come home in the morning “chauffeured,” and their lovely wife shames him in the morning for his unworthy behavior. The stereotype is broken. Here the spouses mixed up their roles.
My second husband was German. He simply drove me crazy with his punctuality! " Drunk at night don’t come home anymore!” Well, what kind of statement is this? Where else should I go at night? It’s early for work, but it’s late to see friends... And when I wake up, the brain drain begins in the second round: don’t shake the ashes into the sugar bowl, don’t look for your suit under the bed. Where else should I look for it, if that’s where I hung it... That is, I put it there. Well, in short, he fell in there himself! A bore, in short, in one word. And with this we did not get along in character.
Monologue about the third spouse and lost socks
My third husband was Estonian. Our sticking point with him was socks. Yes, yes, such simple things as ordinary socks can cause divorce! “I tep-pe at-tal a very good number of us-skoff, each pair rolled up into a little bundle, one arm after another. Pa-achimu ani u tep-pya-los-tsa?” How do I know why these socks keep getting lost? I just started putting them in the washing machine just like that, rolled up in a ball. I didn't like it again! My husband also didn’t like the fact that his sweater changed color. It was kind of grayish and nondescript. And it became a breathtaking color! Actually, it turned out to be a whole combination, one might say, a rainbow of colors. A designer find, by the way... But my husband did not appreciate my flight of fancy. They didn't get along with this either. Here, now the last hope is on you.
And the “fatal sexy” straightened her orange scarf, throwing it casually over the shoulder of her lilac short coat.
Granddaughter, go to court. You won't have time yet. Do you remember when you asked me to talk about love? I’ll tell you now. That’s right, sit down and don’t forget to pour some tea for yourself and for me. What should I start with? At first? So that was the time - everyone around was shouting about the decline of morals and almost everyone took advantage of it (yes, nothing has changed). Girls and boys began to look for halves early and often looked for them by simple selection. Well, that's it, a preface. And now a saying. When I was thirteen, one, let’s say Teapot, appeared. He walked, sighed, dedicated poems to me, invited me to go somewhere with him, and I encouraged him (don’t tell dad that I’m teaching you ancient slang). Everyone around me said: “Masha, you’re a fool, it’s Teapot, he’s incredibly cool and generally a bastard!” But I didn’t care, I didn’t pay attention to him and he disappeared from my social circle. And somehow it was erased that he was that he was not there. Yes, it happens, a person is so uninteresting and unnecessary that he is immediately erased from memory. And then, then I was fifteen, I was a stupid laugher and was constantly flying. My young man was a real Giant. A giant with wheat hair, cunning eyes and a lot of tales (bad talk). But what do you understand at fifteen? I remember a bright and cold autumn, running towards him along the alley, he picks me up and spins and spins. We had a favorite tree there, we sat under it and he talked about what our wedding would be like, how to jump from a bridge so as not to break, and all sorts of other things. nonsense. One day the Giant called and said that we had to separate. You know, I felt relieved. You see, honey, I was very tired of him and his stories, stupid jokes and excessive narcissism, and he was not a person, but a delirium generator. We seemed to have a good time together, but it was tiring, somehow wrong. All that remains for me from that relationship is an increased craving for adventure and a love for Crematorium (this is such a rock band, look up what rock is on the Internet). Well, I already said it! There was no love there, we were just together for a while until we found out - it was a mistake. So what is next? Then I was mischievous, imagined myself to be wise and, to the best of my understanding, tried to help people. As I remember now, my hobby at that time, passing by the children caused a lot of delight and the song “The red-haired, freckled one killed grandfather with a shovel,” he walked and smiled at them through his feigned gloominess. The three of us often sat on the roof - me, him and the guitar. Red didn’t know how to speak properly, he was practically not interested in anything except music, he was a terribly jealous and difficult type. It was with great difficulty that he tolerated my love disappearing somewhere, suddenly, to the ends of the earth. What do you mean you understand him?! Don't you dare judge grandma! And look at yourself, who do you think you are like? I was tired of his jealousy and eternal scandals, my disappearances and retaliatory hysterics got into his liver. So we parted... as friends. Jokes aside, we still sometimes meet and talk. We didn’t want to get used to each other, give up our habits and acquire new common ones, or forgive these same habits. Our love did not work out, but our friendship turned out to be good. One day your grandmother was bored. Imagine, I am familiar with this state. Can you imagine such a proper Metalhead? No? Google it. He was also bored and this was no worse or better reason to meet. It was great to wake up next to him, go make breakfast, try to understand the heavy weird music he admired. It was unusually warm to be with him. Metalljuga wanted to take care of this. The days passed simply and monotonously. We were missing something and despite the fact that it was good, it became completely boring and everything fell apart. Yes, granddaughter, sometimes when warmth and goodness are not enough, you need something more. While I was with this guy I learned to wait and be patient. I am still grateful to him for that warmth. Love? What kind of love? I don’t know, or rather I know it’s not there. She was watching for me ahead. IN Once again I was bored, and I had a toy, your grandmother walked and thought, should she change the toy or will it do as it is. I was walking down the street, and then I met Kettle, that same Kettle, all like, well, Kettle. And I realized what a fool I was at thirteen years old, when this same Kettle was at my feet. All this time I was looking for the Teapot. He came up to me, we started talking, then realized that we were in a hurry, and decided to go to the skating rink together the next day. We rode for a long time, laughed, fooled around. At some point he caught me and kissed me. The world collapsed, convulsed and died, unable to withstand my happiness. And I began to build new world. Peace for me and Teapot. For two weeks I lived like in a fairy tale. I had my Kettle. The best, the most necessary. And then he called and said that we should break up. The world died a second time. I rushed to him to ask why. It turned out he found out about my toy, which I had forgotten about. I cursed my forgetfulness. And Teapot went into the army and left it up to me to decide whether to wait for him or continue playing. It was a year of terrible mourning. I was a living ghost of myself. I waited. He came back and became your grandfather. What do you mean we're both crazy? Remember, child, your grandparents are reckless. Did your dad tell you about our tricks? How are you still watching this?! By the way, we behave quite decently! Shame, granddaughter, I’m too old to butt heads with young people. Well, as a result, I don’t know what love is. They say that she can suddenly jump out and hit you on the head with a dusty bag, or she can gradually grow out of one fleeting glance, she can come and go, or maybe she’s not there. No, I don't like my Teapot. It’s just good to wake up with him, go on adventures, quarrel and even get bored. Now pour grandma some more tea and run about your business, granddaughter.
Over morning cocoa, I spontaneously came up with a comic school monologue from the series “Do you do this too?” I had to go write it down))
Honestly, these memes “and you too...?” from the very beginning they caused bewilderment, and then slight irritation. Because I love constructiveness and development, but here I see a swamp and a dead end (yes, I also love cocoa, so what? Are we brothers now? Thanks, no need)
And so the text at first turned out to be cool, but very sarcastic. I read it, laughed, threw it away, wrote it again - softly, calmly, kindly.
What does he look like to you? Read carefully)
Comic school monologue-sketch
“Does this happen to you too?”
You sit in your room, don’t bother anyone, carefully pretend to write homework. In fact, of course, you think about how NOT to do it without consequences. And it seems like I’ve almost come up with it, but I haven’t fully formed the idea yet...
And here you are! The door swings open and mom rushes in with a rag. Quickly wipes dust off the table:
... And she rushed off to her brother’s room... Judging by his heart-rending scream, she also wiped something there...
That's it - the thought is lost, the mood to do homework is completely gone. True, he was not there anyway, but here he just completely disappeared.
And in the dust on the table, by the way, is Egor’s nickname in “Tanchiki” (replace with something more suitable ) was recorded. And now the dust has been wiped off, who will I play with?
And the window? In September my diary was blown into it. That's good, I didn't mind then. But in the following days, why open? Or is mom waiting for it to blow back?... Although... Maybe we can somehow try to get the electronic diary carried away by the draft?
Does this happen to you too?
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Or here's another situation!
You sit in class, don’t bother anyone, carefully pretend that you are studying Newton’s 3rd law. But in fact, you are painfully deciding what to do first - add a mustache and beard to his portrait in the textbook or color his hair. But the fact that he is already gray-haired at 40 years old is not the point!
And then suddenly, out of the blue, right in the midst of heavy thoughts, the teacher calls you to the board, can you imagine? And this very 3rd law of the half-drawn Newton asks! The question is - why do this?
The law has not been learned, Newton has not been painted, I am generally at a loss... What will my parents wear when they find out, I am simply silent about this!
Does this happen to you too?
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You go home so sad after school and are consoled by the only thought - tomorrow is a day off, you don’t have to pretend to sleep, but actually sleep until lunch.
But what do you think? In the morning at 7 o’clock a kind father comes in and cheerfully says:
I got up with my eyes closed, found by touch the charger from my phone, from my laptop, from... ( something else ). I bring them to dad and ask:
Which one should you do?
Dad laughed:
Okay, comedian, the joke is over, go to sleep already.
What kind of sleep is it like when we lie and toss around: I’m in the bed, there’s a thought in my head. More precisely, the question is:
What exactly is wrong with these chargers? And why do they need to be done early in the morning on a day off?
Does this happen to you too?
Okay, I'll go - my Newton is unpainted and the charging hasn't been done.
Yes, and you need to dust the table, otherwise where else can you write down important information, right?
Bow, applause, curtain.
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How to stage this schoolboy monologue?
Options:
- Exactly - the text is read by a young man with good diction, who knows how to change voices/intonations and speak expressively (and we already know one such young man. Watch the video with him immediately below the article)
- In the form of a silent skit - one student reads, and other children nearby, without words, depict actions (they dramatize the words of the speaker)
- Like an ordinary skit, but with the author’s text - the child “actors” pronounce their words during the play, and a little to the side someone else reads the text from the Author.
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With the wish to our dear Readers not only to take, but also to give something in return,
Your Evelina Shesternenko,
Holiday Encore website.
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My monologue “Does this happen to you too?” read by Daniil Kolotvinov. Applause, ladies and gentlemen))
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At the post office, pensioners constantly took away a public pen, even tied to the counter with a thread - they signed the transfers and, out of forgetfulness, put it in their bag. The thread was breaking. One day, the cashier’s husband brought especially thin and durable rubber from a military factory - for...
I bought a voice recorder. To a friend on New Year give. So tiny, digital. And in the morning I was getting dressed, and it fell out of my trousers. And on the rug... he fucked. And I apparently accidentally put it under the bed - once! Tapcom. And he turns on the sound...
I stopped a white Opel here. Well, with a rod, you know, a stick for Management. The driver gets out, he’s tired, he’s on fumes, his eyes are red. “That’s it, I say, I’m off! Come on, go on foot." - “It’s not fair, let me blow into the tube, let’s see...” - “What...
I worked in the circus for 50 years, but I won’t work with you, Mr. Director! Write off such a horse! All! Enough! Here is my statement!.. Wait! Come in, Vera!.. Look at her teeth! Young girl! Vera, stop laughing, it’s not funny, they want to write you off!.. It’s okay...
They meet in the hallway of apartment 1. 1 Hello, hello, come in, come in, bro... Well, let's kiss. How many years, how many winters!.. And where is the wife? He promised to bring it! I’ve been married for 12 years, and you still haven’t introduced her to me!! Maybe you're single? 2 Meet...
(The dog is an absolute indifference. Smart and lazy. He doesn’t follow the border guard’s commands right away, reluctantly. He thinks out loud. The border guard doesn’t hear him. But the dog hears and understands everything. They go out together. The border guard is in front). -So... How are you? (sternly) Sit! (The dog slowly, like a master, sits down in...
I received a letter from my son, I don’t know what to think! He's in my army! First he writes that I should keep an eye on Yulka, his fiancee... Why should I keep an eye on him? Yulka has charisma - it’s creepy! And so economic. Holding piglets. I already...
My mother-in-law and I were stopped by a traffic cop... Drunk. And about my mother-in-law he suddenly says: “Who’s this fat one?!” And my mother-in-law is very big, and that day her bag was stolen... and at the hairdresser she cut her hair too short... and sold it at the market...
I once met a friend. In the clinic. Seven in the morning. With gastritis. He and I sometimes swallow guts there on an empty stomach. Queue to the office - Chinese Wall! Only green. Because everyone is hungry and angry. They are angry because they know that in...
Yurok! Vovchik! All! Sleep, no fairy tales! Grandpa is very tired and his leg hurts. One? Only one! Good or scary? Scary to you? Pee yourself again. How about good for you? About Kolobok? In general, I’m telling you one thing - it’s terribly kind. Once upon a time there lived a kind, kind grandfather... and grandmother! Old...
Hello! I said, I won’t go anywhere and I won’t rewrite anything! I got sick... “Eat a pill”! You didn’t even ask what made me sick!.. I’m telling you: What’s your business?! And generally speaking! The author does not have to attend the rehearsal! ...Edit? Okay, so be it...
Serenya came to me on the night of December 31st, when everyone had already gone to bed. Great! - speaks. - Happy New Year! Ugh! Your elevator, however, is impotent!.. And you can’t tell by your face that you received our telegram! Well,…
A fox lived in the forest. Beautiful, she drove the foxes from the surrounding forests crazy. They really wanted to live with her, get along, make good money, but hunters got into the habit of going into the forest. Shooting in the forest, traps along the paths, dogs rushing, and in the evenings fires, bottles flying into the bushes...
Hello, mom! Our lights have been turned off, it’s already two in the morning, and Kolya isn’t there yet!... Mom, what does Fidel Castro have to do with it?.. Phenazepam? Good night, Mother! ...Hello, Rit! It's me again. Kolka didn’t come to spend the night! Isn't it with you? I don’t think so...
My second wife was such an artist! Genius! Here she is, let’s say... ...No, I’m not the third, I’m his fourth... The third one was imprisoned, by the way, with complete confiscation of property... So this artist, who was my second, is a talent!.. ...The third one - then with full...
Give me some bread for Christ's sake... No, not like that. ...Good people!.. No. ... Passer-by, don’t let the well-deserved social security worker die of hunger!.. No, don’t talk about merits. And no ideology. And then yesterday there was a guy standing with a sign: “Serve an active builder for lunch...
Yes, I'm a music teacher, so what now!? Yes, I speak four languages perfectly, I know how to dress, how to talk, how to use cutlery, so what?! Yes, there is no money, but I’m sweet, I cook well, I will love one man deeply...
Neighbor Volodya installed electrical protection on his new Toyota - he bought an expensive one that prevents theft. Yes, what people have already written or invented - it’s useless! They still steal it. Volodya has windows facing the courtyard, and his car is on the avenue! I tell him: in the yard...
Grandfather, are you tired? -I'm tired, Mashenka. -Do you want to sleep? -Very. -Then tell me a horror story and go to bed! -A horror story? I don't know any horror stories. -Well, it must be scary!! Repeat after me: One dark, dark night in the cemetery... - Well, one night in the cemetery... -... And so...
As far as I remember, I was forgotten everywhere. At the maternity hospital, my dad gave my mom flowers, kissed her, put her in a taxi, and drove off. And I’m lying on the bench, peeing in the blanket and thinking: when I grow up, I’ll be an astronaut. Grandfather, when I was born, generally thought that the puppy’s parents...
I tell her: “From the monkeys!” She told me: “From the angels”! I told her: “From monkeys!!” She: “From the angels!!” - “Well, look at yourself, I say! Could angels do this?!! Read Darwin! I bought her a microscope: “Look! Where are the angels? - “Oh-oh!.. Microbe!.....
My grandmother is superstitious. If he’s going to his neighbor’s house to get some salt, let him, he says, let me sit on the path. I met a man with empty buckets - I cursed him! A cuckoo once told her she was 84, now she’s 92, so now if she goes into the forest, it’s with a calculator.…
Hello! Ritka, is that you? ...Where am I calling from? I'm calling from heaven! I'm flying in a long jump! Five thousand meters! ...So I’m a master of sports! ...What bobsled!? ...Am I the womanizer?!! Yes, you yourself are a womanizer!!! ...Fool! Hello, Svetul? Hello! Guess where I’m calling from?.. Well, think, think...
Goo-goo, goo-goo, goo-goo-goo... Dimochka, Dimochka, don't sit on the pigeon. He'll still fly away! Here you go! Hit the asphalt again! What did grandma tell you? Go stand next to me and throw crumbs to the birds!.. (To the neighbor.) And this is the first time I’ve seen you here. What an adorable grandson you have! Oh, it's a girl! I never would have thought! Look, she's holding the bird by the tail and picking at its beak... Let her pick? Will you rest for now? Well, of course. Everyone has their own educational methods...
I don’t limit my Dimochka in anything either. You know, I also no longer have the strength to limit. Dimochka, if anything happens, he might even spit!.. Dimochka, Dimochka, there’s no need to hit the birds with a spatula. Better go pick the beak with the girl! There he is, lying under the bench. (To a neighbor.) But tell me, my dear, do you ever see your girl’s parents? I’ve already begun to forget my people: they work during the day, hang out in the evening, go skiing on weekends... You say it’s an expensive pleasure?.. Well, you know, my son-in-law earns a decent amount of money. Sometimes Dimochka and I go to visit them - the refrigerator is full. But Dimochka doesn’t want anything from them, because with me he eats from his own plate. As soon as the face of this freak appears at the bottom... what's his name... ah! Pokemon - that means we ate the porridge. No, we are still eating porridge. Here I stand to death: my pension is small. And you only have lollipops with wrappers?..
Dimochka! Dimochka! Immediately spit out the seed husks! Why are you pecking it from the sidewalk? Go, grandma will give you some of her husks from her pocket! Here, chew it well! Look, your girl is plucking feathers into a bunch and licking them. Let him lick it?.. Will you rest for now? Well, of course, everyone has their own methods of education. Dimochka also sometimes licks the battery...
Does your girl sleep well? And we're just in trouble. Until you perform “Tachanka” three times, he will never fall asleep. Don't you sing? Oh, are you hitting a tambourine? We used to have a drum too, but the neighbors thought that our load-bearing walls were always being broken, so they constantly called the police...
Does your granddaughter like pets? Oh, you only have a python at home? And his granddaughter feeds him live rats herself? Well, of course, everyone has their own methods of education... You are probably training her in the Airborne Forces? No, I just asked... My son-in-law served in the Airborne Forces... And here Dimochka bit a cat and bit a dog... Some kind of psycho, God forgive me! His parents still want to send him into hand-to-hand combat... Should he kill the bear?.. Dimochka, Dimochka! Why are you crying, dear?! Look, look! Your girl chewed his ear through his hat! What does “let her chew!” mean? She chewed on my grandson, not a stranger! Release him immediately, you wretch! Otherwise I’ll kill you myself now! Metal teeth! Ugliness! She feeds the python rats... And then these girls walk around and tear down the doors in the entrances. A slight movement of the hip. Don’t cry, Dimochka! Do not Cry! In war it’s like in war. You will know how to bite my Tuzik and Murochka. Where are they now, poor things?.. That's it! March home! Dinner and sleep! And no "Tachanka"! Today grandma is resting! In nature, damn it!