Saint John Chrysostom
In a marriage, you have to sacrifice everything and endure everything to preserve mutual love; if it is lost, everything is lost.
This is the strength of life for all of us, so that the wife is of one mind with her husband; this supports everything in the world.
Love is a strong wall, impregnable not only for people, but also for the devil.
A mother, giving birth to a child, gives the world a person, and then she must give heaven an angel in him.
Nothing preserves love better than by forgiving the wrongs of those who are guilty before us.
Let us instruct our children so that they prefer virtue to everything else, and consider the abundance of wealth as nothing.
The corruption of children comes from nothing other than [parents’] insane attachment to the things of life.
Even if everything in our everyday life was well-ordered, we will be subjected to extreme punishment if we do not care about the salvation of our children.
Are you not causing yourself grief through the unbridled behavior of your son? You had to carefully curb him, accustom him to order, to accurately perform his duties, and heal the illnesses of his soul when he was still young and when it was much easier to do this.
If there is unanimity, peace and a union of love between a husband and wife, all good things flow to them. And evil slander is not dangerous for spouses who are protected as great wall, unanimity in God.
If everyone does their duty, then everything will be strong; Seeing herself loved, the wife is friendly, and when she meets obedience, the husband is meek.
Do not deviate from each other except by consent(1 Cor. 7:5). What does it mean? A wife should not abstain against the will of her husband, and a husband should not abstain against the will of his wife. Why? Because great evil comes from such abstinence; this often resulted in adultery, fornication and discord family life. The apostle said well: Don't shy away. Many wives do this, committing a great sin against justice and thereby giving their husbands a reason for debauchery and leading everything into disorder.
He who is negligent towards his children, even though he is decent in other respects, will suffer extreme punishment for this sin. Everything we have should be secondary in comparison to caring for children.
If someone learns chastity, he will consider his wife the dearest of all, and will begin to look at her with great love and have great agreement with her, and with peace and harmony all good things will enter his house.
Such is the power of love: it is not delayed by distance, is not weakened by longevity, is not overcome by temptation; but, conquering all this, he becomes above everything and ascends to an unattainable height.
Hieromartyr Cyprian of Carthage
Take away patience from love, and it, as if ruined, will cease to exist.
Venerable Isaac the Syrian
Do not exchange love for your neighbor for love for some thing, because by loving your neighbor you acquire in yourself the One who is more precious than anything else in the world.
Venerable Mark the Ascetic
It is impossible to be saved otherwise than through your neighbor, as the Lord commanded, saying: Forgive and you will be forgiven(Luke 6:37).
Venerable Neil of Sinai
Do not prefer anything to the love of your neighbor, except in those cases when because of it the love of God is despised.
Saint Basil the Great
Take care not to leave your children on earth, but to raise them to heaven; do not cleave to carnal marriage, but strive for spiritual; give birth to souls and raise children spiritually.
Rev. Gennady Kostroma
What happens between you in the family, do not take it out of your house among people, and if you see or hear anything bad outside the house, do not bring it into your house.
Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk
Many parents teach their children foreign languages, others teach arts, but about Christian teaching and they are negligent in upbringing: such parents give birth to children for temporary life, and do not allow them to eternal life. Woe to them, for it is not the bodies, but the souls of men that they kill with their negligence!
Children look more at the lives of their parents and reflect it in their young souls than listen to their words.
Saint Theophan the Recluse
You are a wife, you are a mother, you are a housewife. The duties in all these parts are depicted in the apostolic writings. Look through them and take it upon yourself to perform them. For it is doubtful that salvation could be achieved apart from the fulfillment of the duties that are imposed by rank and fortune.
There is no need to see that the child is small - from the first years one should begin to calm down the flesh, which is prone to coarse matter, and accustom the child to mastery over it, so that in adolescence, in youth, and after them, one can easily and freely cope with this need. The first starter is very expensive.
Marital love is love blessed by God.
Have a wife as a friend and with strong love force her to be submissive to you.
Venerable Anthony of Optina
Meekness and humility of heart are virtues without which it is impossible not only to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, but also to be happy on earth or to feel peace of mind within oneself.
Venerable Ambrose of Optina
There is mercy and condescension towards others and forgiveness of their shortcomings. shortest path to salvation.
Idleness and failure to instill in children the fear of God are the cause of all evil and misfortune. Without instilling the fear of God, no matter what you do with your children, there will be no desired results in terms of good morality and a well-ordered life. When the fear of God is instilled, every activity is good and useful.
Venerable Anatoly Optinsky the Younger
We are obliged to love everyone, but we do not dare demand that they love us.
Preserving family peace is God’s holy command. A husband must, according to the Apostle Paul, love his wife as himself; and the apostle compared his wife with the Church. That's how high marriage is!
Venerable Nectarius of Optina
Happiness in married life is given only to those who fulfill the commandments of God and treat marriage as a sacrament of the Christian Church.
Venerable Nikon of Optina
The affairs of those with whom we have a different way of life are inaccessible to us. For example, a mother with infants cannot go to church every day for all services and pray for a long time at home. This will not only lead to embarrassment, but even sin if, for example, in the absence of a mother, a child without supervision cripples himself or does pranks when he grows up. She cannot completely renounce her property for the sake of personal achievement, for she is obliged to support and feed her children.
If you love someone, then you humble yourself before him. Where there is love, there is humility, and where there is anger, there is pride.
Holy Righteous John of Kronstadt
For each other, you should be an example of meekness and kindness, self-control, complacency, honesty and hard work, submission to God's will, patience and hope; help each other; Take care of each other, be forgiving to one another, covering each other’s weaknesses with love.
Be as sincere, kind and affectionate to your family as possible: then all troubles on their part will be destroyed by themselves, then you will overcome evil with good, if they have evil against you and express it.
Don’t be embittered by anything, conquer everything with love: all sorts of insults, whims, all kinds of family troubles. Know nothing but love. Always blame yourself sincerely, admitting that you are the culprit of the troubles.
If you live in mutual love, you will bring down God’s grace upon yourself and your descendants, and God will dwell in you and crown all your undertakings and deeds with blessed success, for where there is love, there is God, and where God is, there is all that is good.
Devotees of piety about family
Hegumen Nikon (Vorobiev)
“Keep peace in the family at any cost!”
“Love is above everything, all feats...”
With all my conviction, with all the strength of my soul, with love, I beg you: humble yourself before Sergei, consider yourself guilty before him (even if you were right in something), ask for forgiveness for the whole past; then make a vow to God to do everything for the sake of peace and the salvation of both. You cannot be saved without Sergei, and he cannot be saved without you. The death of one will be the death of the other. You are married, you are one person. If your hand gets sick, you don’t cut it off, you treat it. You can’t cut off Sergei from yourself, just like he can’t cut you off. You must be saved together or die together.
I’ll say a few words about your condition, which you seem inclined to consider as belonging only to you, namely the feelings of loneliness, abandonment, etc.
I have not met a single girl or single woman who did not suffer from this. This obviously lies in the nature of women. The Lord said to Eve after her fall: And your attraction to your husband(Genesis 3:16). This attraction (not only carnal, but even more psychological, and sometimes exclusively mental) obviously operates in all lonely people, being refracted and embellished unconsciously by the very in a variety of ways. Taken from Adam's rib, it stretches into place to create one whole man.
Love each other, have pity on everyone, maintain peace at any cost, let the cause suffer, but peace will remain!
You definitely need this time to be with your family, help them get settled, carry out all the assignments without complaining, and show love to your family in this difficult time. Love is above everything, all feats. Then, when everything is settled, you can think about yourself.
Love even for a person strives to express itself by doing something pleasant for the beloved, no matter what sacrifices it may cost. How stronger love, the greater the desire to prove it, and to prove selfless love can only be a sacrifice, and how true love has no limit, so does the thirst for sacrifice as a manifestation of love.
God is Love(1 John 4:8); It is not said that God “has love,” but there is Love, Divine Love, surpassing all human understanding. If human love sacrifices his life for the sake of his beloved, then how does the omnipotent Lord, Who does not find it difficult to create entire worlds with one Word, Who is Love, how can He, who so loved a sinful fallen man, leave him without His Providence, without help in need, in sorrow, in danger? ! This can never happen!
Passion [falling in love] does not see the shortcomings of another, which is why (and for many other reasons) it is called blind - friendship and love see everything, but cover up the shortcomings and help the friend get rid of them, overcome them, rise from step to step.
Schema-abbot Ioann (Alekseev), Elder of Valaam
“Fiery love without religion is very unreliable.”
“God forbid you leave your husband...”
I don’t advise you to dream about monastic life. The Lord leads you to eternal life worldly married life. Manage to live a family life for the sake of Christ, and the Lord, seeing your will, will help you to be saved in your family life - don’t doubt it. The Monk Macarius the Great gives the example of two women who pleased God, who came to perfection in spiritual life, and were even higher than hermits. They had a desire to spend their lives in a monastery, but for some reason they had husbands. The Lord, seeing their will to please Him in the monastery, helped them to be saved in family life. IN given time life in monasteries is not what you imagine, and you, due to your inexperience in spiritual life, can only be tempted by monastic life.
Christ is among us!
It is good sometimes to remember your past sins, because from this humility is born, and when despair comes from the memories of past sins, then the enemy is clearly trying to disturb the soul. Don’t listen to him, calm down, don’t worry, don’t be discouraged, try to drive away such outrageous thoughts with prayer. The Holy Spirit speaks through the prophet Ezekiel: “If a sinner turns from his sins, his sins will not be remembered to him” (see Ezek. 33:11). The Lord does not want the sinner to die. So live for your family, be wise like a serpent, and meek like a dove, and keep silent about your inner life, so they won’t understand you. If your husband stumbles, be patient, don’t be embarrassed, but pray harder. Remember: you stumbled too.
Here's what I noticed: in old age, time flies faster, because you feel that everything is over, the time of transition to eternity is approaching; somehow all the interests disappeared. But open the minds of young people and you will see how their imagination plays: they will be happy, they will get a good groom, they will be rich, and their family life will go well, and much more on this topic, these pictures will go through their heads, and they will be left alone again.
It makes me happy that you have the desire for one thing that is needed. Try not to extinguish your spirit. The marriage union should not embarrass you, for it is blessed by God. However, try to bear each other’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ. Make you wise, Lord! Of course, the world demands its own: work, troubles and worries, it cannot be otherwise.
When you arrived in New York, your husband looked for an Orthodox church, even stood through the entire Easter service; but now he has changed a lot, he doesn’t even want to take his son to church. Unfortunately for us, we can expect that he will not want you to go to church either. Even though he good man, as you write, but under the influence of his relatives he has already changed. And fiery love without religion is very unreliable. I feel sorry for you that you found yourself in such an environment. However, do not be discouraged and do not be faint-hearted, pray and hope for the help of God and the Queen of Heaven.
Christ is among us!
Here is my advice to you: refuse the request of the lady who asked you to talk to her husband. Let them figure it out themselves, you don’t know the reasons, and you don’t need to find out about family troubles. We, confessors, have to listen to stories about various family troubles, we, of course, are obliged, since we can also advise. You did well to advise her to pray, and pray yourself, but reject the request to talk to her husband and advise him on something again. Make you wise, Lord.
When we are subject to passions - I’m talking about conceit, vanity, anger, deceit and demonic pride - then under their influence we think that all people are guilty and bad. However, we do not have such a commandment to demand love and justice from others, but we ourselves are obliged to fulfill the commandment of love and to be fair...
Humanity has invented politeness instead of love, and under this politeness lies vanity, hypocrisy, deceit, anger and other spiritual passions. If you meet someone like that, he looks like a simple soul-man, and you won’t understand him right away. And since the foundation is not based on love, his inner state is very soon revealed, for such a person is dual: in words he says one way, but in deeds it is different.
And whoever has love at the root, such a person is no longer dual, for he has simplicity, frankness and naturalness. This trait occurs only in devotees of piety. There are people who naturally have such gifts, but they are recognized by their fruits. Vinegar and water have the same color, but the taste is different, because the larynx distinguishes food.
Don't despair, don't be discouraged, calm down. “Sin and misfortune have never happened to anyone,” says the Russian proverb. The Pharisees brought a woman taken in adultery to Christ and said to him: “Teacher, what do you command to do to her” (read in the Gospel of John 8: 3-11).
God forbid you leave your husband, be patient and pray, the Lord, in His mercy, will help you survive this trouble. Your husband is very humble, he cries and asks for forgiveness, you, according to the commandment of God, forgive him, and never reproach him, and do not remind him of this temptation. Enough shame and disgrace for him when I caught him at the crime scene, it’s very hard for him to bear, help him, Lord. Don’t make him sad, but try to show him a cheerful look, this will ease his mental torment. The Holy Apostle says: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (see Gal. 6:2). If you do this, then your prayer will become purer. The Holy Fathers write: “Cover your neighbor’s sins, the Lord will cover yours too.” Of course, this happened to him while drunk...
I answer your questions in the second letter like this: try to be faithful to your husband, do not cheat on him and obey him in everything. Of course, excluding the requirements of the Orthodox faith. There is no need to talk about religious topics, and if he starts talking, answer what you know, but first mentally pray to God. Teach him not with words, but with a virtuous Christian life. Don't force him to go to church; if he wishes, that’s another matter; be content and grateful that you are not prevented from walking. Pray for him simply, like a child: “Save, Lord, and have mercy on my husband N., save and bring him to reason.” And leave everything else to God’s mercy and be calm.
Pray for your husband, but don’t bother him and don’t tell him to be Orthodox: with your advice you can offend him and push him away from Orthodoxy; pray and submit to the will of God and leave everything else to God’s mercy.
Do not grieve or condemn him, because everyone has their own weaknesses and shortcomings. He, too, is not without weaknesses and not without shortcomings. So, learn from one another to bear burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.
Archimandrite John (Peasant)
“Happiness must be cultivated patiently and with much effort.”
“Children are living icons, work hard on them,
do not distort the image of God in them..."
... And you need to preserve your family with a wise and patient attitude towards your spouse. It’s just easy to say: “I’ll get a divorce!”
You don’t need to become someone other than the one your husband loved. You need to dress with taste, and comb your hair to suit your face, and everything else, because you are not a monastic.
And you and your spouse should have common interests, and do not confuse him with your ostentatious religiosity, but observe moderation in everything and take into account the spiritual illness that has befallen him. Pray for him secretly. In a word - maintain peace and love in the family, patiently forbearing with his mental weakness. Faith will come to him in response to your works and wise behavior with him in everything.
No matter who a person begins to build a family life with, he will go through periods of temptation. After all ready-made happiness does not happen... Happiness must also be cultivated patiently and with much effort on both sides.
Accept all the sorrows that you experience through your child as a cleansing punishment for your past, and learn to thank God for everything, consciously and responsibly accepting everything from the Hand of God.
Don’t leave children and their upbringing to chance, on TV and on the street. This is a sin, and a considerable one. Pray and influence their life choices as much as possible. Of course, not by violence, but by suggestion and awareness of the disastrousness of the modern consciousness imposed from the outside.
Children are living icons, work on them, do not distort the image of God in them with your inattention and neglect.
The portal begins publishing a series of materials about the treasures of spiritual wisdom of the elders of Optina Hermitage. Thousands of people came to Optina, this spiritual spring, for support, consolation, and advice. Their spiritual children wrote letters to the elders, expressing their doubts, life circumstances, sorrows and needs. And no one remained unconsoled, there was something for everyone words of wisdom And useful advice. These tips are scattered in numerous letters of the elders, their lives, and memories of them. We asked our regular author Olga Rozhneva, who has been working as a senior guide at Optina Pustyn for several years now, to make a small selection of tips and instructions Optina Elders, combining them by topic. And the first of these collections is about family and family life - the most painful topic of our sick time.
The venerable confessor Nikon wrote that every type of Christian life has its own virtues and activities:
“The affairs of those with whom we have a different way of life are inaccessible to us. For example, a mother with infants cannot go to church every day for all services and pray for a long time at home. This will result not only in embarrassment, but even sin if, for example, in the absence of a mother, a child without supervision cripples himself or does pranks when he grows up.
She cannot completely renounce her property for the sake of personal achievement, for she is obliged to support and feed her children. She is obliged to please God with deeds that are characteristic of her: enduring the hardships of family life, doing all she can to pray, doing all she can to give alms, teaching and raising children, keeping fasts, going to church on holidays, staying away from grumbling, gossip, etc.”
In general, the Optina elders highly valued pious family life. The Monk Nektarios assessed the fate of a woman to be a wife and mother:
“Marriage for a woman is service to the Holy Trinity... that’s how great for a woman is her destiny to be a wife and mother.”
The elders gave advice on how to get married.
Thus, many of the laity turned to St. Leo for a blessing before committing marriages. And the marriages that took place with the elder’s blessing were successful.
The Monk Leo usually advised those who asked for a blessing for marriage to carefully consider all favorable or unfavorable circumstances. For example, pay attention to “that both the bride and groom are healthy and that they have something to live with; so that rank does not differ sharply from rank and that there is little difference in years or age.”
At the same time, the elder repeated the simplest old proverb: “Know the boot of a boot, and the bast shoe of a bast shoe.” In addition, he instructed those asking about the choice of a groom to pay attention to the properties of his father, and those asking about the choice of a bride to pay attention to the properties of the mother. At the same time, he used to say: “An apple will not travel far from an apple tree.”
Finally, he advised the bride and groom and their parents to look at their hearts during fervent prayer. If, at the last decision to marry, the bride and groom and their parents began to feel peace of mind, then the elder advised to decide on such a marriage. Otherwise, if there was doubt, unaccountable fear, anxiety and embarrassment, then the elder would say that this was an unfavorable sign and advised them to look for another groom or another bride. This was Elder Leo’s general advice to everyone.
But he himself, according to the foresight given to him by God, sometimes taught advice that was dissimilar to human opinions and considerations. One day a poor man came to the elder and, explaining that three suitors were wooing his daughter - a tradesman, a factory worker and a wealthy villager, asked him which of them to give him his daughter to. Father Lev advised to give it for a villager, saying that it would be more satisfying here. Following this, a hungry year came, after which the bride’s father came to thank the elder for advising him to give his daughter to a peasant who fed him during a time of hunger, adding that the tradesman and the factory worker themselves almost died of hunger. And besides the satiety, it was a happy marriage.
The Monk Ambrose advised not to rush into the matter of marriage, but to consider it from all sides with reasoning:
“It also doesn’t hurt to take a good look at and get to know the very person with whom you are thinking of finding worldly well-being. In addition to his own properties, consider both his very position and the very circumstances surrounding him. All this taken together is of great importance. As some have noted, sometimes favorable and unfavorable properties are expressed in the very name of people.”
And here is more advice from Elder Ambrose to those wishing to get married.
“You ask my sinful advice and blessing to enter into a legal marriage with the bride you have chosen. If you are healthy and she is healthy, you like each other and the bride is of trustworthy behavior and the mother has a good, meticulous character, then you can marry her.”
“If the son is healthy and has not promised to become a monk and wants to get married, then it is possible - God bless. And to be more humble, then look. If the mother of the bride is humble, then the bride should be humble, because according to the old proverb: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
The Monk Hilarion advised those wishing to get married that the marriage should take place only with the consent and blessing of the parents or elders in the family, but that there should be no coercion on the part of the elders; so that those entering into marriage should be liked by one another, and when choosing a bride or groom, attention should be paid not to capital, but to the fact that the bride and groom and their parents are pious and of good morals.
Then, the elder said, we can hope for the happiness of the newlyweds. The elder did not approve of the great inequality of years, from which sorrows could arise later. Some seniority can still be allowed in a man, but in a woman it can be the cause of many sorrows. The elder did not approve of marriages based on passion, because when passions subside, love may disappear. He did not approve of marriage between persons of different religions: husband and wife, constituting one body, must also be spiritually united.
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The Monk Leo advised his spiritual daughter to quickly ask for forgiveness in case of any disagreement with her mother, and even more so if he offended her:
“When you happen to upset your mother in some way, then quickly fall at her laborious feet, who worked hard for your upbringing, and ask for forgiveness. As soon as you are forced, your conscience will be relieved in every possible way and your enemy the devil will be put to shame!”
The Monk Macarius taught to accept with humility and self-reproach everything that happens, and especially from your parents:
“Accept with self-reproach and humility no matter what happens, and especially from the parents with whom you are now. “Honor your father and your mother,” the Lord commanded (Exodus 20:12), and natural and civil law command us to do this. The great blessing of parents brings benefit to children, for it brings down God’s blessing on them.”
The Monk Ambrose reminded of the need to teach children to more often protect themselves with the sign of the cross, which has great power and saved many from great troubles and dangers:
“Centuries-established experience shows that the sign of the cross has great power over all human actions throughout the course of his life. Therefore, it is necessary to take care to instill in children the custom of protecting themselves with the sign of the cross more often, and especially before eating and drinking, going to bed and getting up, before leaving, before going out and before entering somewhere, and so that children do not make the sign of the cross carelessly or in a fashionable way. , but with precision, starting from the forehead to the chest and on both shoulders, so that the cross comes out correctly. Protecting oneself with the sign of the cross saved many from great troubles and dangers.”
Elder Ambrose also taught how to act to avoid disagreements between spouses in matters of raising children. He responded to a letter with a similar question like this:
“...in case of disagreement, it is better to either evade and leave, or show as if you did not listen, but do not argue about your different views in front of children.”
Venerable Barsanuphius He instructed parents to raise their children in the Orthodox faith, and reminded mothers that their words have creative power, since they come from the depths of their hearts:
“The fact that my son doesn’t go to church can also be fixed. Just tell him, I say, that he needs to go to church. A word, although simple, said from the heart, has a strong influence on a person, and smart words, but not spoken from the heart, are worth nothing. It's like standing near a window and blowing into the window against the wind: what's the use? The mother's words have creative power, since they, of course, come from the very depths of the heart; The word of the spiritual father also has great power.”
Elder Barsanuphius also explained that a woman cannot live without faith, and advised wives to strive to attract their husbands to the Lord:
“A woman cannot live without faith. Either she, after temporary disbelief, again returns to faith in God, or she begins to quickly decompose. A man is another matter: he can live without faith. He will completely petrify, become a pillar of salt - that’s how he lives, petrified, but a woman cannot do that.”
“And you, wives, should strive to attract your husbands to the Lord and thereby save your souls and theirs. In all sorrows, run with faith to the Savior; He will never leave you. Indeed, faith works miracles.”
The Monk Barsanuphius warned about how destructive curses can be in the family, how dangerous it is to curse anyone or even anything. The elder gave the following story as an example:
“The characteristic feature of some saints - to call guests, welcome them cordially and treat them - was also noticed in the Reverend Athanasius. He loved to invite guests over on holidays. That's what happened once.
After mass, he immediately comes home from church with the guests. After drinking tea and having a few conversations with the guests, the bishop invited them to have lunch. Having ordered the cell attendant to serve dinner, he and the guests sat down at the table. They serve huge, perfectly cooked pike. Having looked at this, the bishop says: “You can’t eat it: it’s cursed.” Everyone looked at the Eminence somewhat surprisingly. “She is cursed, she cannot be eaten,” the bishop repeated. He calls the cell attendant and orders her to be removed from the table. He doesn't even dare to remove it.
Then the Reverend orders the cook to be called. He comes. The Bishop looks at him and, noticing his tied finger, asks him: “What’s wrong with your finger?” - “I cut it by accident, holy lord.” - “What did you say?” - “Forgive me, sir, I said: for you to be... I said it wrong...” - “Well, you see, now you can’t eat it. Throw this one away, and the other one needs to be prepared.”
You see, even the curse of a simple human cook has such a powerful effect...
The cook's curse produced some changes in the fish, which the bishop noticed with his discerning eyes. As a result of these changes, it was no longer possible to eat fish. This explains why in the richest houses in the world the most expensive dishes do not have the taste that we feel in our sour cabbage soup: there it is done without prayer, with swearing and curses, but in our monastery with prayer and blessing.”
Nowadays, marriages often break up, the number of divorces is huge. The Optina elders taught to forgive each other mistakes and insults, to cover them with love.
The Monk Leo advised family quarrel use all means for reconciliation, for this is acceptable in the sight of God:
“You, being double-minded and confused in thoughts, ask whether you should write to your husband or not. To this I answer: first of all, delve well into the depths of your heart and consider yourself - what is your relationship to it: are you peaceful or not, have you given reasons for breaking your marital ties, etc.? And if you find any of these within you, then use all means for reconciliation - this is acceptable before God. Even if you were right, but through your humility you make peace with him and acquire him, if not for yourself, but for God, then, without delaying time, proceed to this, and the Lord will not leave you.”
It is interesting that the elder advised his wife to be the first to try to reconcile, and in another case he advised the husband, as the “first person,” to be the first to initiate reconciliation:
“I saw the disorder in your family and, given the extreme weakness of my health, my soul ached about your situation. But I ask and pray, most venerable Foma Nikitich, since you occupy an imaginary primacy, then be the first to begin to pronounce the word more complacently and more favorably, not with the spirit of zealous pride, but with the spirit of humility and meekness. And in this way God is strong and almighty to correct your affairs, mental and physical, and arrange them in peace at home, peace and quiet."
Thus, the elder taught both spouses to humble themselves, inviting the wife to remember humility, and the husband, as the head of the family, to be the first to begin reconciliation with the spirit of humility and meekness. It turns out that the Monk Leo taught both spouses to yield to each other, remembering each of his own: for the wife - about obedience to her husband, for the husband - about the ability to yield to the strong to the weak.
The Monk Anthony reminded us of patience in family life, taught us to surrender ourselves completely to the will of God, and if a husband or wife seems not good enough, then think about whether we are worthy of completely good, ideal spouses, whether we ourselves are ideal:
“Peace of mind is acquired from complete devotion to the will of God, without which nothing would happen to us. And if your husband really was not good, then ask yourself in conscience before God: “Am I, a sinner, worthy of a good and kind husband?”
And your conscience will certainly say that you are absolutely not worth anything good, and then in humility of heart, with submission to the will of God, you will love him from the heart and find a lot of good things that you have not seen before. To dissolve a marriage due to frivolity and inexperience, although it is not difficult in today’s times wise times, but what will it be like to answer the Last Judgment God's? For God Himself unites man in marriage; and therefore judge for yourself which is better - patience or impatience!
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“Reading your writings and seeing from them about your unanimity with your dearest friend and mutual love for each other, I heartily rejoiced at this and thanked the Lord God, who crowned you with His rich mercy, that is, unanimity and love; for it is very rightly said that when a husband and wife get along well, they will not need a treasure.”
The Monk Macarius reminded us that when there are quarrels in the family, we must first of all reproach ourselves - without this, those quarreling will not receive any peace:
“It is very regrettable to hear about troubles between close relatives... and in our dispensation, without self-reproach, no matter how much you advise, those who quarrel do not receive peace, and they have no idea that they need to reproach themselves - they only see guilt in their neighbor.”
Sometimes the Optina elders were approached with a request to pray for help in childbirth, with various kinds of concerns about the birth of children. Elder Ambrose responded to such a letter:
“There is an Orthodox tradition that in these cases they resort to Mother of God, by the name of the icon - Feodorovskaya.
Exchange or write for yourself this icon, the celebration of which occurs twice a year on March 14 and August 16. If you wish, you can perform a home vigil in the evening before these days, and on the very day - a prayer service with an akathist to the Mother of God. If you are diligent, you can do this at other times as you wish.
You can daily pray to the Queen of Heaven yourself, reading to Her at least twelve times a day “Rejoice, Virgin Mary,” even with bows from the waist. Read the kontakion to Her the same number of times: “There are no imams of other help, no imams of other hope, except for You, the Lady. Help us, we rely on You and boast in You, for we are Your servants, let us not be ashamed.”
A big problem for the family is drunkenness. The Monk Leo wrote about this:
“This passion is tolerated either for pride and arrogance, or for a violation of conscience against holy matrimony, then it is necessary... firstly, you must be forced to humble yourself in every possible way or make a confession and truly repent before a skilled confessor, and then the Lord will help.”
The elder strictly addressed his spiritual child in a letter, advising and even ordering him to stop drinking:
“God grant that piety will be established in your home and you will stop taking glasses to celebrate. We know, and the Russian proverb says: “Drinking to the bottom is not good.” I advised and ordered you, as a spiritual father, to stop drinking - bad, very bad. You will get yourself into trouble, you will end up in bondage; otherwise, brother, I’ll have to make you bow like a monastery, so that you can pray to your namesake saint St. Nicholas so that I may wean you from drunkenness.”
Elder Ambrose taught to pray for a drinker Saint John, Baptist of the Lord, and Martyr Boniface:
“You write that your husband is excessively devoted to drinking wine... with faith and zeal, pray for him to Saint John, the Baptist of the Lord, and the martyr Boniface, so that the All-Good Lord, through the prayers of His saints, would turn him away from the path of destruction, which is the message of fate, and return him to the path of a sober, abstinent life."
The Optina elders also answered specific questions and gave spiritual advice in various family circumstances. These tips are still applicable today, as spiritual wisdom never becomes obsolete.
The Monk Ambrose wrote the following about property disputes with relatives:
“...place all your hope in God, who through His all-good Providence arranges everything that is useful to us. Guide yourself with the same thought in relation to your relatives. If the Lord tells them, they will return what you owe, although not all; and if they don’t give it back, then it’s better to accept from strangers than to quarrel with your own. As for their own benefit, leave that to them: let everyone do as they please.”
I would like to finish this small selection of letters and statements of the Optina elders with a story told by the Monk Barsanuphius. This story is very relevant for our time, when people often seek wealth, fame, power, but do not seek the main thing - faith. And without Christ there is no life, no salvation:
“At present, many live according to the flesh and do not seek spiritual joy. What do they want to achieve first of all? Firstly, wealth. Then - glory. To achieve this, nothing is neglected. The Lord said: “Because iniquity will increase, the love of many will fail” (Matthew 24:12). Most people have wandered away from Christ. People of this century call people who do not share their views backward, impractical... I sometimes ask visitors:
Do you have children?
“Why,” they answer, “sons and daughters.”
How do you want to arrange their fate?
Yes, so: I want to see my son as an engineer, he himself has an inclination towards this; daughters married to rich and noble people.
And do you think they will be happy?
Certainly! - they answer with confidence, but they don’t think about how to try to get their children to gain Christ. They say that money can buy everything. Yes, indeed, although not everything, a lot can be bought for money, but Christ cannot be bought for any of the treasures of the world. And without Christ there is no life, no salvation.”
The Optina elders cared for not only the monastics. They did not leave worldly people without spiritual guidance. Often their advice concerned family life and raising children - what constitutes the main part of life in the world.
The venerable confessor Nikon wrote that every type of Christian life has its own virtues and activities:
“The affairs of those with whom we have a different way of life are inaccessible to us. For example, mother with babies, cannot go to church every day for all services and pray for a long time at home. This will result not only in embarrassment, but even sin if, for example, in the absence of a mother, a child without supervision cripples himself or does pranks when he grows up. She cannot completely renounce her property for the sake of personal achievement, for she is obliged to support and feed her children. She is obliged to please God with deeds characteristic of her: enduring the hardships of family life, doing all she can to pray, doing alms, teaching and raising children, keeping fasts, going to church on holidays, staying away from grumbling, gossip, etc. "
At all The Optina elders highly valued pious family life. The Monk Nektarios assessed the fate of a woman to be a wife and mother:
« Marriage for a woman is a service to the Holy Trinity... this is how great for a woman is her destiny to be a wife and mother».
How to get married
The elders gave advice on how to get married.
The Monk Leo usually advised those who asked for a blessing for marriage to carefully consider all favorable or unfavorable circumstances. For example, pay attention to “that both the bride and groom are healthy and that they have something to live with; so that rank does not differ sharply from rank and that there is little difference in years or age.”
At the same time, the elder repeated the simplest old proverb: “Know the boot of a boot, and the bast shoe of a bast shoe.” In addition, he instructed those asking about choosing a groom to pay attention to the properties of his father, and those asking about choosing a bride to pay attention to the properties of his mother. At the same time, he used to say: “An apple will not travel far from an apple tree.”
Finally, he advised the bride and groom and their parents to look at their hearts during fervent prayer. If, at the last decision to marry, the bride and groom and their parents began to feel peace of mind, then the elder advised them to decide on such a marriage. Otherwise, if there was doubt, unaccountable fear, anxiety and embarrassment, then the elder would say that this was an unfavorable sign and advised them to look for another groom or another bride. This was Elder Leo’s general advice to everyone.
But he himself, according to the foresight given to him by God, sometimes taught advice that was dissimilar to human opinions and considerations. One day a poor man came to the elder and, explaining that three suitors were wooing his daughter - a tradesman, a factory worker and a wealthy villager, asked him which of them to give him his daughter to. Father Lev advised to give it for a villager, saying that it would be more satisfying here. Following this, a hungry year came, after which the bride’s father came to thank the elder for advising him to give his daughter to a peasant who fed him during a time of hunger, adding that the tradesman and the factory worker themselves almost died of hunger. And besides the satiety, it was a happy marriage.
The Monk Ambrose advised not to rush into the matter of marriage, but to consider it from all sides with reasoning:
“It also doesn’t hurt to take a good look at and get to know the very person with whom you are thinking of finding worldly well-being. In addition to his own properties, consider both his very position and the very circumstances surrounding him. All this taken together is of great importance. As some have noted, sometimes favorable and unfavorable properties are expressed in the very name of people.”
And here is more advice from Elder Ambrose to those wishing to get married.
“You ask my sinful advice and blessing to enter into a legal marriage with the bride you have chosen. If you are healthy and she is healthy, you like each other and the bride is of trustworthy behavior and the mother has a good, meticulous character, then you can marry her.”
“If the son is healthy and has not promised to become a monk and wants to get married, then it is possible - God bless. And to be more humble, then look. If the mother of the bride is humble, then the bride should be humble, because according to the old proverb: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Then, the elder said, we can hope for the happiness of the newlyweds. The elder did not approve of the great inequality of years, from which sorrows could arise later. Some seniority can still be allowed in a man, but in a woman it can be the cause of many sorrows. The elder did not approve of marriages of passion, because when passions subside, love may disappear. He did not approve of marriage between persons of different religions: husband and wife, constituting one body, must also be spiritually united.
About married life, about family relationships, about raising children
The Optina elders gave many instructions about married life, family relationships, and raising children.
The Monk Leo advised his spiritual daughter in case of any disagreement with your mother, and even more so if you offend her, quickly ask for forgiveness:
“When you happen to upset your mother in some way, then quickly fall at her laborious feet, who worked hard for your upbringing, and ask for forgiveness. As soon as you are forced, your conscience will be relieved in every possible way and your enemy the devil will be put to shame!”
The Monk Macarius taught accept with humility and self-reproach everything that happens, especially from your parents:
“Accept with self-reproach and humility no matter what happens, and especially from the parents with whom you are now. “Honor your father and your mother,” the Lord commanded (Ex. 20:12), and natural and civil law command us to do this. The great blessing of parents brings benefit to children, for it brings down God’s blessing on them.”
Reverend Ambrose reminded of the need teach children to more often protect themselves with the sign of the cross, which has great power and saved many from great troubles and dangers:
“Centuries-established experience shows that the sign of the cross has great power over all human actions throughout the course of his life. Therefore, it is necessary to take care to instill in children the custom of protecting themselves with the sign of the cross more often, and especially before eating and drinking, going to bed and getting up, before leaving, before going out and before entering somewhere, and so that children do not make the sign of the cross carelessly or fashionably , but with precision, starting from the forehead to the chest and on both shoulders, so that the cross comes out correctly. Protecting oneself with the sign of the cross saved many from great troubles and dangers.”
Elder Ambrose also taught how to act in order to avoid disagreements between spouses regarding raising children. He responded to a letter with a similar question like this:
“... in case of disagreement, it is better to either evade and leave, or show as if you did not listen, but do not argue about your different views in front of children.”
The Monk Barsanuphius instructed parents to raise their children in the Orthodox faith, and reminded mothers that their words have creative power, since they come from the depths of the heart:
“The fact that my son doesn’t go to church can also be fixed. Just tell him, I say, that he needs to go to church. A word, although simple, said from the heart, has a strong influence on a person, and smart words, but not spoken from the heart, are worth nothing. It's the same as standing near a window and blowing into the window against the wind: what's the benefit? The mother's words have creative power, since they, of course, come from the very depths of the heart; The word of the spiritual father also has great power.”
Elder Barsanuphius also explained that a woman cannot live without faith, and advised wives to strive to attract their husbands to the Lord:
“A woman cannot live without faith. Either she, after temporary disbelief, again returns to faith in God, or she begins to quickly decompose. A man is another matter: he can live without faith. He will become completely petrified, become a pillar of salt—that’s how he lives, petrified, but a woman can’t do that.”
“And you, wives, should strive to attract your husbands to the Lord and thereby save your souls and theirs. In all sorrows, run with faith to the Savior; He will never leave you. Indeed, faith works miracles.”
The Monk Barsanuphius warned about how Curses in the family can be destructive, how dangerous it is to curse anyone or even anything. The elder cited the following story as an example:
“The characteristic feature of some saints - to invite guests, welcome them cordially and treat them - was also noticed by the Right Reverend Athanasius. He loved to invite guests over on holidays. That's what happened once.
After mass, he immediately comes home from church with the guests. After drinking tea and having a few conversations with the guests, the bishop invited them to have lunch. Having ordered the cell attendant to serve dinner, he and the guests sat down at the table. They serve huge, perfectly cooked pike. Having looked at this, the bishop says: “You can’t eat it: it’s cursed.” Everyone looked at the Eminence somewhat surprisingly. “She is cursed, she cannot be eaten,” the bishop repeated. He calls the cell attendant and orders her to be removed from the table. He doesn't even dare to remove it.
Then the Reverend orders the cook to be called. He comes. The Bishop looks at him and, noticing his tied finger, asks him: “What’s wrong with your finger?” - “I cut it by accident, holy lord.” - “What did you say?” - “Forgive me, sir, I said: for you to be... I said it wrong...” - “Well, you see, now you can’t eat it. Throw this one away, and the other one needs to be prepared.”
You see, even the curse of a simple human cook has such a powerful effect...
The cook's curse produced some changes in the fish, which the bishop noticed with his discerning eyes. As a result of these changes, it was no longer possible to eat fish. This explains why in the richest houses in the world the most expensive dishes do not have the taste that we feel in our sour cabbage soup: there it is done without prayer, with swearing and curses, but in our monastery with prayer and blessing.”
About quarrels and grievances
Nowadays, marriages often break up, the number of divorces is huge. The Optina elders taught forgive each other mistakes and insults, cover them with love.
Reverend Leo advised In case of a family quarrel, use all means for reconciliation, for this is acceptable in the sight of God:
“You, being double-minded and confused in thoughts, ask whether you should write to your husband or not. To this I answer: first of all, delve well into the depths of your heart and consider yourself - what is your relationship to it: are you peaceful or not, have you given reasons for breaking your marital ties, etc.? And if you find any of these within you, then use all means for reconciliation - this is acceptable before God. Even if you were right, but through your humility you make peace with him and acquire him, if not for yourself, but for God, then, without delaying time, proceed to this, and the Lord will not leave you.”
It is interesting that the elder advised his wife to be the first to try to reconcile, and in another case he advised the husband, as the “first person,” to be the first to initiate reconciliation:
“I saw the disorder in your family and, given the extreme weakness of my health, my soul ached about your situation. But I ask and pray, most venerable Foma Nikitich, since you occupy an imaginary primacy, then be the first to begin to pronounce the word more complacently and more favorably, not with the spirit of zealous pride, but with the spirit of humility and meekness. And in this way God is strong and almighty to correct your affairs, mental and physical, and to establish peace, quiet and tranquility in your home.”
Thus, the elder taught both spouses to humble themselves, inviting the wife to remember humility, and the husband, as the head of the family, to be the first to begin reconciliation with the spirit of humility and meekness. It turns out that the Monk Leo taught both spouses to yield to each other, remembering each of his own: for the wife - about obedience to her husband, for the husband - about the ability to yield to the strong to the weak.
About patience in family life
Reverend Anthony reminded about patience in family life, taught to surrender ourselves completely to the will of God, and if a husband or wife seems not good enough, then think about whether we are truly worthy of good, ideal spouses, whether we ourselves are ideal:
“Peace of mind is acquired from complete devotion to the will of God, without which nothing would happen to us. And if your husband really was not good, then ask yourself in conscience before God: “Am I, a sinner, worthy of a good and kind husband?” And your conscience will certainly say that you are absolutely not worth anything good, and then in humility of heart, with submission to the will of God, you will love him from the heart and find a lot of good things that you have not seen before. To dissolve a marriage due to frivolity and inexperience, although it is not difficult in today’s wise times, what will be the answer at the terrible judgment of God? For God Himself unites man in marriage; and therefore judge for yourself which is better - patience or impatience!
About like-mindedness and love in the family St. Anthony spoke of the mercy of God:
“Reading your writings and seeing from them about your unanimity with your dearest friend and mutual love for each other, I heartily rejoiced at this and thanked the Lord God, who crowned you with His rich mercy, that is, unanimity and love; for it is very rightly said that when a husband and wife get along well, they will not need a treasure.”
The Monk Macarius reminded that When there are quarrels in the family, you must first reproach yourself- without this, those quarreling will not receive any peace:
“It is very regrettable to hear about troubles between close relatives... and in our dispensation, without self-reproach, no matter how much you advise, those who quarrel do not receive peace, and they have no idea that they need to reproach themselves - they only see guilt in their neighbor.”
Sometimes the Optina elders were asked to pray about assistance in childbirth, with all sorts of concerns about the birth of children. Elder Ambrose responded to such a letter:
“There is an Orthodox tradition that in these cases they resort to the Mother of God, after the name of the icon - Theodorovskaya. Exchange or write for yourself this icon, the celebration of which occurs twice a year on March 14 and August 16. If you wish, you can perform a home vigil in the evening before these days, and on the very day - a prayer service with an akathist to the Mother of God. If you are diligent, you can do this at other times as you wish. You can daily pray to the Queen of Heaven yourself, reading to Her at least twelve times a day “Rejoice, Virgin Mary,” even with bows from the waist. Read the kontakion to Her the same number of times: “There are no imams of other help, no imams of other hope, except for You, the Lady. Help us, we rely on You and boast in You, for we are Your servants, let us not be ashamed.”
About drunkenness
Big trouble for the family - drunkenness. The Monk Leo wrote about this:
“This passion is tolerated either for pride and arrogance, or for a violation of conscience against holy matrimony, then it is necessary... firstly, you must be forced to humble yourself in every possible way or make a confession and truly repent before a skilled confessor, and then the Lord will help.”
The elder strictly addressed his spiritual child in a letter, advising and even ordering him to stop drinking:
“God grant that piety will be established in your home and you will stop taking glasses to celebrate. We know, and the Russian proverb says: “Drinking to the bottom is not good.” I advised and ordered you, as a spiritual father, to stop drinking - bad, very bad. You will get yourself into trouble, you will end up in bondage; Otherwise, brother, I’ll have to make you bow down like a monastery, so that I can pray to my namesake saint, Saint Nicholas, to wean you off drunkenness.”
Elder Ambrose taught pray for the drinker to Saint John, the Baptist of the Lord, and the martyr Boniface:
“You write that your husband is excessively devoted to drinking wine... with faith and zeal, pray for him to Saint John, the Baptist of the Lord, and the martyr Boniface, so that the All-Good Lord, through the prayers of His saints, would turn him away from the path of destruction, which is the message of fate, and return him to the path of a sober, abstinent life."
The Optina elders also answered specific questions and gave spiritual advice in various family circumstances. These tips are still applicable today, as spiritual wisdom never becomes obsolete.
On property disputes with relatives The Monk Ambrose wrote the following:
“...place all your hope on God, who through His all-good Providence arranges everything that is useful to us. Guide yourself with the same thought in relation to your relatives. If the Lord tells them, they will return what you owe, although not all; and if they don’t give it back, then it’s better to accept from strangers than to quarrel with your own. As for their own benefit, leave that to them: let everyone act according to their own discretion.”
“At present, many live according to the flesh and do not seek spiritual joy. What do they want to achieve first of all? Firstly, wealth. Then - glory. To achieve this, nothing is neglected. The Lord said: “Because iniquity will increase, the love of many will fail” (Matthew 24:12). Most people have wandered away from Christ. People of this century call people who do not share their views backward, impractical... I sometimes ask visitors:
– Do you have children?
“Of course,” they answer, “sons and daughters.”
– How do you want to arrange their fate?
- Yes, so: I want to see my son as an engineer, he himself has an inclination towards this; daughters married to rich and noble people.
- And you think they will be happy?
- Certainly! - they answer with confidence, but they don’t think about how to try to get their children to gain Christ. They say that money can buy everything. Yes, indeed, although not everything, a lot can be bought for money, but Christ cannot be bought for any of the treasures of the world. And without Christ there is no life, no salvation.”
Olga Rozhneva
Holy Fire
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