Why does this happen? Almost any society as a whole is quite aggressive: people get angry at black cats, at slow drivers in front, at lost keys, and most of all at each other. Why aggression in people drowned all tolerance, leaving only small islands of it, is a question for another story. But why exactly do women receive such a good portion of hatred from single men?
It interferes with nesting. And, above all, a person does not willingly approach this snake pit called “feelings”. He avoids danger by realizing that he is allowed so many arrows throughout his life, so he owes his husband his resources. Being alone feels dangerous for a person. No one is babysitting you in your hospital bed. No one takes the watch if you lose or sends a search party if you wander along the trail.
The world is dangerous enough without adding the dangers that come with being alone. Women don't walk around dangers. We also don't feel that being alone is dangerous, except on rare occasions when we fall and split our bitches. Women have a hard time reading the signals that keep us out of harm's way, and when faced with trouble, we run away, escaping into our homes.
Imagine a situation when nature tells you to look for a mate, but your mate does not want to be found by you. You are a young guy, and your peers look at you as if through glass, cheerfully jumping after a graying gentleman in a huge white Mercedes, or after his son in a smaller Mercedes. This behavior, in general, is easy to explain: poverty pushes young girls into the arms of men with a strong and constant income; they want to fly out of their father’s nest as soon as possible, because very often the atmosphere in it is not the most pleasant.
A woman feels safe when she is at home. We tend to them, and in return we expect them to leave us cozy and warm, serene and safe. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. But guys may have a point. The evidence of social isolation is clear. What to do wrong with this.
Loneliness is a particularly difficult issue because there is a deep stigma attached to accepting and declaring our loneliness. Admitting that we are lonely can feel like we are admitting that we have failed in the most fundamental areas of life: belonging, love, affection. It attacks our basic instincts to save face and makes it difficult to ask for help.
The point, of course, is not only about money, girls mature spiritually earlier, they become interested in older men, with their own position, knowledge and life experience; Another important factor is their desire to have offspring from a young age, which can only be fully raised by being married. In addition, everyone is well aware of the tendency of women to form almost harems around the most charming or wealthy representatives of the stronger half of humanity.
V. in barren rooms, devoid of family or friends - their loneliness heightened by the cheerful Christmas movies playing on the wall-mounted televisions. And hospitalized or not, many people report feeling lonely, more depressed, and less satisfied with life during the holiday season. New research suggests that loneliness is not necessarily the result of poor social skills or a lack of social support, but may be caused in part by unusual sensitivity to social cues.
No, all this is not speculation: according to statistics, up to 30-35 years of age, there are one and a half times more guys who have never been married than girls who have not yet been married. If marital polygamy is prohibited in the Russian Federation, and the total number of men and women is approximately equal, then there can be only one conclusion: young girls are actively marrying older men, and many young guys remain out of work. So what, in this case, is there left for the guys who are a little less fortunate in life than others to do? They can only watch how their peers arrange their personal lives, get married, have children, get divorced, get angry at their ex-husbands and get married again...
Lonely people are more likely to perceive ambiguous social cues negatively and engage in self-preservation thinking, which exacerbates the problem. Thus, loneliness can be contagious: when one person becomes lonely, they withdraw from their social circle and cause others to do the same.
John Cacioppo, a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago, has tested different approaches to treating loneliness. His work has shown that the most effective interventions target “maladaptive social cognition,” that is, helping people reconsider how they interact with others and perceive social cues. He is collaborating with the US military to study how social cognition training can help soldiers feel less isolated when they are deployed and returning home.
All these love adventures pass them by precisely at the time when they most want to taste them. And young girls, in turn, surrounded by the attention of men of all ages on all fronts, are growing crowns on their heads with might and main, turning their modest abodes into palaces and castles. There seems to be nothing reprehensible in this behavior either: high demand for a limited batch always increases the final price; girls, seeing many fans, become demanding, sort through candidates in search of the best - there is sexual selection of evolution in action.
Loneliness in older people has different roots - often due to the departure of family members and close friends. As one elder said, “your world dies before you.” Ideally, experts say, neighborhoods and communities would monitor these older adults and take steps to reduce social isolation. Providing them with easy access to transport through discounted bus connections or special transport services can help maintain social connections.
Religious older adults should be encouraged to attend services regularly and can benefit from a sense of spirituality and community, as well as the watchful eyes of other members. Those who are able to care for an animal can enjoy the companionship of a pet. And loved ones who live far from a parent or grandparent can ask a neighbor to check periodically.
Now - what does it all look like in general and why the laws of competition do not work in the sphere of interpersonal relationships. Let's return to the initial situation: you are a young guy, you want to get your share of love and affection from life, but, given the above, it may well happen that you will not get anything. You look at how people try to build their lives, create couples, happy and not so happy, but no one lets you into this world of romance.
But more structured programs are also emerging. Others may then volunteer their time and skills to fill those needs and "banking" hours when they need something. In America, you almost need an excuse to knock on your neighbor's door, Dr. Tan told me. “We want to break down those barriers.”
For example, a college student might see a message from an older person who needs help with gardening. She helps him plant a row of flowers and "jars" within two hours. A few months later, when she wants to cook Malaysian food for her boyfriend, a retired chef leaves to give her cooking lessons.
Things are really bad if the guy is shy: girls won’t show initiative, they would have to fight off their suitors; Seeing such a huge amount of attention from almost every man, they are already making plans for Hollywood stars, often running from one groom to another. It turns out that some people get practically nothing, while others get a whole book’s worth of novels. A little unfair... Animals do not know a sense of justice, but the highest brain activity person - very familiar.
What is it like, male loneliness?
You don't need a friend every day, Dr. Tan said. “But knowing that you are valued and a member contributing to the membership is incredibly affirming.” The program currently has hundreds of members in California and plans to expand to other areas of the country.
Impact of the generic model
"We are in medical community must ask ourselves: Are we controlling or improving health and well-being?” - said Dr. Tan. “I think you have to do the latter to do the former.” The great paradox of our hyper-connected digital age is that we seem to drift apart from each other. But increasingly, research is confirming our deepest intuition: human connection is at the core of human well-being. All of us—clinicians, patients, neighborhoods, and communities—must maintain connections where they disappear and create ones where they did not exist.
So what adequate reaction should follow from an unclaimed guy to this state of affairs? Naturally, at a minimum, there is a deep resentment towards women, and for guys with weakly expressed knightly nobility, there is a completely sincere, undisguised hatred of them. A woman is not a thing, she chooses her own mate. So why become better for someone and strive for someone who, in the end, may not appreciate your efforts at all? Yes, in general, there is no need.
It seems like people are always looking for love, but the single life can be quite overwhelming. You are independent, you don't need to compromise, and you get used to doing things 100% your way. Of course, when you finally meet the right person, this can make it difficult to transition into a relationship. Difficult, but not impossible.
There were quirks on his end. It's easy enough to get on the same page with little things like that. But more complex issues arise and it takes a little more work to move from being single to being in a relationship. Sometimes two people can get along smoothly, but they have very different ideas of what it means to be in a relationship. Hell, if you were on your own forever, you might not even know what your own relationship expectations are.
The problem of single mothers
It would seem that the situation of young guys is not the most enviable, but their hopes are finally finished off by statistical figures regarding the number of single mothers in the Russian Federation. Who is to blame for breakups and marriage breakdowns is a too intimate question, and no one except the participants ex-couple it should not concern: whether the woman was unable to maintain the warmth of the home, or the man was unable to stay within the boundaries of the family or contain his vices, or maybe they were not very suitable for each other in the first place.
Maybe your new partner wants to talk on the phone every day and you've never talked on the phone. Maybe they think being in a relationship means you chat every weekend and you're used to spending Sundays alone.
There comes a time when you want to lay out these expectations, commonly called "The Talk." Most people think of this as the definition of a relationship: Are we dating? Are we exclusive? Where does it last long? That's great, but you also want to get specific information about what you both want from the relationship and what you both bring to the relationship.
Most likely, the truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle, and both former lovers and the circumstances surrounding them are equally to blame. In any case, the fact that in Russia exactly half of all marriages are divorced sooner or later is a reality that cannot be avoided, and the majority of divorces (about 40%) occur in the first 4 years of marriage.
Creating Boundaries for Sharing Time and Space
Simply being aware of these expectations can make the transition much easier. Even though I enjoy spending time with my fiancé, I also enjoy spending time alone. Brian is the same, so when we started getting serious, it was easy enough to agree that we both allow each other our "one time."
But everyone has a busy schedule, and things don't always work out so well. He likes to have coffee and chat before heading to work. This is why setting boundaries is important. Again, it's also important to talk about your day, ask your partner about his or her day, ask your partner's opinion on things, etc. these things are obvious to people with an attitude, but usually - single people who are in relationships may not understand this right away.
A woman diligently chooses a father for her future offspring, the head of the family, gives him her hand and heart... Then something happens, and as a result we have just over 5 million single mothers raising at least one minor child. This is a monstrous number. The age structure of this category of citizens is unknown, but if we make a rough estimate, then 5 million women are approximately half of all unmarried women aged 20 to 45 years. As a result, the chance for a lonely guy to find his soul mate without breaking into someone else’s and already formed (albeit consisting of only a mother and child) family is completely narrowed to the size of the eye of a needle. To this we can add that many single mothers, having accumulated grievances against all men in general and against their ex-husband or a lover in particular, they stop even striving for a new relationship, completely devoting themselves to caring for their children.
Is the game worth the candle?
After the basics, you want to get to know each other's communication style. Psychologist Claire Newton describes five basic communication styles.
- Expecting your partner to read your mind.
- Go back and don't say what you really think or feel.
- Without considering the other person's point of view.
This is life, and most likely this is the future of a misogynist for a small group of people who were once unlucky with the opposite sex.
How much has been said and written about female loneliness! However, they won’t surprise anyone: according to demographic statistics, for every ten ladies there are only seven or eight “grooms”, and with age - even less. But it is even more striking that among these men - smart, educated, accomplished and independent - there are bachelors. Relationships with them become a real test for those seeking female happiness, because the main and, perhaps, the only phobia of these “knights” is marriage.
These are common problems couples face, and if you're new to a relationship, you may not see them. Just being aware of them can make a difference. When you start dating someone, there are certain habits that you can understand. The toilet room is a classic example. Psychology Today notes that when you say no to these things, it's important to make sure you know you're doing it for the right reasons.
Loneliness in men
Among the reasons that turn mature men into “eternal bachelors,” of course, there are pathological ones. This is infantilism, which firmly links the “marriageable groom” with his mother, and social phobia, which forces the unsociable to lock himself at home, and inadequate self-esteem, which gives rise to insurmountable complexes in a man or, on the contrary, makes him a “narcissist.” And some bachelors have not been accustomed to building close relationships since childhood. Meeting women and caring for them, choosing the right words and taking decisive steps... For such men it is constant stress, an inaccessible art that they had nowhere to learn, and over time, as if there was no need.
“Embarrassment is not a pathology!” - the ladies who have been waiting for months for an invitation to a date from the “modest” will object with hope. Alas, this is not banal modesty, but “loner syndrome”, from which only an experienced psychotherapist can save a man. And perhaps he won’t be able to cope with this task either. After all, in order to turn to a specialist, you need to admit the problem yourself, and men who have been avoiding communication with women for years are afraid of any changes. It is not difficult to recognize a “pathological bachelor”. To do this, it is enough to get rid of the “rose-colored glasses” and take a closer look at the free stranger - a friend or colleague. And finally, once and for all, give up the hopeless desire to one day get his hand and heart, and in addition to them, his depressing “features”.
However, it happens that even after a thorough “dissection” of shortcomings, a man remains a “knight” - mature, caring and... unapproachable. As you look at someone like that, how can you help but ask yourself: “Is an eternal bachelor necessarily a man with a problem?”
We decided to ask about this from the “culprits” of our experiences, who, having grown a beard, bought an apartment and held leadership positions, still do not think about getting married.
The choice made to give up the autonomy of one life in exchange for the blessings of a committed relationship is readily given. There can be no resentment or martyrdom, or the relationship will eventually fail. These gifts are seen as gifts to each other rather than as losses of individuality.
I don't want to waste my time on life wasters
If you're not willing to give up certain things that meant a lot to your partner, that's another story and something that's usually seen at the beginning of a relationship as a compatibility issue. But the point is, there are some things you willingly give up in a relationship, and you shouldn't count those losses on your individuality. At the same time, it is therefore important to maintain your individuality in a different way that is important to you.
Broken happiness
Maxim, 34 years old, top manager, single: There are many wonderful women around me. Charming, smart, with impeccable taste, economical... People like Nina, whom I dated for almost five years before one day I learned from our mutual friends that she had someone else. I dreamed of making her happy, but if she had talked to me and admitted that she was in love, I would have simply wished her luck.
However, she probably didn't want to lose me until she realized how serious her new man was about her. So I turned into a “backup option”.
Every evening, coming home from work, I expected a serious conversation. But Nina was silent, and after that she even became somehow more tender. Probably the other one turned out to be “unpromising.” She loved to repeat this word...
After several months of tense waiting, I left her on my own. Quietly he packed his bags and moved out of his rented apartment, paying her rent for six months in advance. For some time she called me and listened to long beeps, and then, apparently, she realized that she had no future with me...
I watch every girl who likes me. I wonder if she is capable of going on dates in secret from the man next to whom she falls asleep every evening. And although almost three years have passed since the separation from Nina, I’m not ready to believe a woman yet.
Comments Tatyana Kurchatova, psychologist: Unfortunately, love passes. But what causes us the most severe pain is not our plans for a common future that have been dashed by reality, but disappointment in our partner and in our feelings as such. Women who believe that men deal with breakups easier and faster are mistaken. Upbringing and stereotypes do not allow the “stronger sex” to show their experiences. Therefore, men accumulate grievances and fears, which over the years turn into an insurmountable reluctance to get close to someone.
“Wounded” once, a bachelor tries to look at a woman as a friend, even if he is not indifferent to her. He is simply afraid of repeating the unsuccessful “scenario”.
However, this does not mean that a broken heart cannot be healed. Become a true friend for a lonely man and earn his trust. Let him understand that you are patient and not just “passing by”, but want to linger in his life. As you know, water wears away even stones. Moreover, under a perfectly ironed shirt, your “ eternal bachelor“does not hide a stony heart, but, on the contrary, a very sensitive heart.
However, be prepared for unpleasant “surprises”. Having recovered from the traumas of the past with your help, a man can introduce you to his new chosen one at the next “friendly” dinner. And it’s unlikely that gratitude for the fact that you “changed his life” will soften the blow of falling from the heights of unfulfilled hopes.
Research tells us that in the most successful relationships, couples Through all the compromise and learning coexist with the other person, you also don't want your relationship to be completely defined; which can lead to codependency or resentment. You want to feel the independence you had before you got together and spend time doing activities you enjoyed as one person.
Male loneliness. Why are men lonely?
Part of the fun of being single is learning to enjoy your independence. You shouldn't do this when you find someone you want to spend your life with. It requires understanding, communication and ground rules, but it is possible to have the best of both worlds.
Actively searching
Nikolay, 40 years old, lawyer, single: Male loneliness is not about me! I don’t remember when my apartment didn’t smell like homemade cabbage soup and wasn’t cleaned for at least a couple of months. I am always greeted from work by a woman who seems ideal to me. True, until I meet someone else - even more suitable for me.
Sometimes I think that I have finally found the one in front of whom I am ready to get down on one knee and, blushing, say an oath of fidelity, putting a ring on her elegant finger. I even looked into a jewelry store once. I wanted to leave there with a velvet box in my pocket, but instead I got the phone number of a stunning new friend.
Is there a justification for this behavior? I just really love women.
Tatyana Kurchatova: Alas, to end the many years of “wandering” of this bachelor, the ability to cook the most delicate kulebyak and sew like a hereditary dressmaker is not enough. Even deep necklines, stockings and push-up underwear will not help.
Unfortunately, this man’s passion as a hunter has long been “silenced” by the instinct of self-preservation, which, after thirty, persistently whispers to bachelors that it’s time to “moor” to a safe family haven. Perhaps only a child can send the “hunter” into the “home-work-home” orbit.
Surprisingly, such men value children more than their own freedom. And if someday your beloved does resume his “active search,” your son or daughter will always be more important to him than another long-legged hobby.
Awaken a caring father in your chosen one, and perhaps you will get what you want - a husband. True, quite frivolous. But there’s nothing you can do about it: there are such men who are bachelors by vocation.
Breadwinner complex
Alexey, 38 years old, minibus driver, divorced: Relationships? Yes, I don’t even have time for that. My daughter will go to school soon. The ex-wife asked for help with money. And you also need to send your mother and father to a sanatorium, visit your sister and nephews - you can’t go to them empty-handed either! So I work, when I can, in two shifts. And then I return home exhausted and go straight to bed. I'm used to it. I don't need anything more. But would any woman be satisfied with such a life?
Tatyana Kurchatova: A jack of all trades, reliable, prudent and tireless... Such a man seems ideal. But, alas, not only you.
If a “hyper-responsible” bachelor refuses to have a cup of coffee with you under any pretext, most likely he is either in a hurry to visit his ex to paint her balcony frames, or spent his last money buying his niece an expensive Barbie doll. And he would gladly open the door to his life for you, but on the other hand it is “propped up” by the burden of his own problems ex-wives, children, elderly parents, friends - everyone for whom your man is “responsible”. Or he thinks he is answering.
A “hyper-responsible” bachelor is not hopeless, but only a flint woman can oust his eternally needy second cousins from his life and put his insolent ex-wives in their place.
If, instead of an “iron” character, you have an angelic character, then you risk either hearing from your chosen one a polite “sorry, goodbye,” or sharing with him his difficult burden - when, instead of other people’s lives, you most want to arrange your own.
Strength is in weakness
Andrey, 46 years old, teacher English language, single: My sister constantly complains to me that men allegedly have excessive demands on women. Like, give us only fashion models as wives who will sit at home, cook three-course meals and raise children.
I argue with her, because the truth in her words is only that it is really important for us to be strong and provide for our family, and not to willingly shift this responsibility onto fragile female shoulders.
I've never been married, but not because I'm afraid of commitment. It’s just that until now I’ve only met women who didn’t seem to need a husband. They had everything under control - even our relationships. Although this is precisely what killed intimacy.
I don't want a housewife, but I still don't want to marry a housewife. I don't despair of one day meeting a woman who will allow me to be the leader and not the follower. But so far, unfortunately, I don’t know anyone like that.