Quite often, women come to see the Center’s specialists and formulate their problem as follows: “men are disappearing from my life,” “men don’t take me seriously,” “I’m determined to start a family, but he keeps dragging his feet with the proposal.” . There may be other formulations, but the essence remains the same: the men these women meet are really “not the same.” They either turn their heads and disappear, or do not share their desire to create a family, or openly use them.
Let's find out why. And is it really men alone who are the cause of women’s failures?
It should be noted right away that in life there are gigolos, ladies' men, and those who will never be ready to start a family. And, unfortunately, none of the women is safe from meeting them.
It doesn’t matter which one, the main thing is mine
But here we should focus on why women let such men into their lives. And the first reason is self-doubt and low self-esteem. Not believing in their attractiveness and uniqueness, not understanding their value, women accept the advances of any man. Being around them increases their self-esteem, because then they can tell the world: “look, someone needs me too.”
Men, in turn, being confident that they are still expected, allow themselves to neglect the woman. Don’t call, disappear for a long time, and then appear without explaining anything. Moreover: treat her rudely, sometimes even in public, humiliate and insult her. As a rule, a woman in such cases is driven by fear: “What if I don’t have anyone else?” and she continues to endure unfair treatment. And even if he sees and understands that this relationship is unpromising, he cannot interrupt it and say “no.” She is afraid to be alone.
Man comes first
Low self-esteem has another manifestation - the desire to constantly please a man, forgetting about your interests and needs. The woman herself puts the man in a position where “he is above all”: she refuses to go to the theater with her friend because he called and invited her on a date. Agrees to watch a movie she doesn't like. She goes to fulfill some of his requests, although it is inconvenient for her.
But this attitude often has the opposite effect. It’s not just that a man doesn’t appreciate a woman’s self-sacrifice, it begins to burden and irritate him. After all, in this way a woman devalues herself. With her behavior, she seems to be telling him: “I’m ready to do anything for you.” And the man, in turn, ceases to value getting to know her and the relationships that have managed to be established.
Is there room for a man in your life?
On the other hand, constant demonstration of one’s independence and independence can also lead to the result described above. By refusing a man’s help, emphasizing her self-sufficiency, demonstrating material well-being, a woman subconsciously distances herself from a man. Makes him understand: “you have no place in my life with yours.” male role. I can handle everything myself: both for you and for myself.”
This may indicate a fear of letting someone into your life, of being dependent on him, of agreeing to a serious relationship. Subconscious fear forces a woman to enter into competition with a man, compete in achievements, and constantly prove something to him.
This often happens when a woman has been in a traumatic relationship and, having freed herself from it, has taken on the functions of both a man and a woman. Or, for example, she grew up in a family where her father was a tyrant and became convinced that she had to take care of herself: earn money, buy necessary things, resolve any issues. Or, on the contrary: there was a powerful mother in the family, who taught her daughter to be independent and strong.
Women may not even notice it, but their behavior often shows arrogance and superiority over a man. As a result, a woman is not able to give him a feeling of need, need and value.
Do I know what I want?
Dissatisfaction in a relationship can also arise from the fact that the woman herself does not understand what kind of man she needs and what she wants to get from him. She has no idea what type of man suits her. As a result, he also agrees to any proposed relationship. And later it turns out that their tastes do not coincide, and their views on life and relationships themselves are different. Misunderstanding of oneself also leads to the fact that a woman has inflated demands on a man, which he simply cannot fulfill.
As a rule, the period of awareness of oneself and one’s needs occurs in adolescence. Entering adulthood, a woman already has some experience and knows what she likes and what she doesn’t. But there are exceptions, like one of the Center’s clients.
23-year-old Maria grew up in a military family. Her father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all military. Therefore, a special atmosphere always reigned in the house. The wives in their family, as a rule, were housewives and raised children. The upbringing was also appropriate: children were always told about duty to the fatherland, honor, nobility, and dedication.
Moreover, until the age of 18, any attempts by young Maria to communicate with the opposite sex were harshly suppressed. While her peers were learning the basics of relationships with young men, learning to communicate with them, find general topics, resolve first conflicts, accept courtship or refuse, our heroine spent time with books and dreams.
As a result, when the family “Iron Curtain” was finally lifted, Maria faced enormous difficulties in communicating with men. She took too much attention to herself either as an insult or as a readiness to offer her hand and heart. Those who received the words “scoundrel”, “boor”, “scoundrel” and those to whom she enthusiastically told about their future home on the second or third date also “ran away” from her.
She seriously believed that she would marry her first love. It cannot be otherwise. Moreover, the father managed to convince the girl that the first intimacy with a man should be in best case scenario after the engagement. If a guy insists on sex before that, it means he doesn’t love or respect the girl.
Needless to say, men, as soon as they heard her categorical views, did not stay in her life for long.
Is it the man who is the problem?
The above circumstances lead women to disappointment in relationships and the belief that “all normal men have long since disappeared,” “there are no worthy ones,” “all men are bastards,” “they only take advantage of women.” But this only means that the woman has:
- hidden grudge against the opposite sex due to failed relationships and anger at men;
- inability to take responsibility for forming relationships on oneself: assessing the situation, oneself in it, the qualities of a man, drawing conclusions and making decisions;
- unwillingness to work on oneself and let go of grievances. The position of the victim is “convenient”: they feel sorry for her, understand and take her side, and the “offender” is always condemned.
Fortunately, the heroine from the above example began to understand over time that beyond the walls of the apartment there was a completely different world. But I didn’t know how to convey this to my father. Exhausted from constant internal conflicts, she came to the Center’s psychologist.
It is important to note here that no one needs to give up their beliefs. It is important to understand: where are your principles and follow them, and where are the desires of other people, which still need to be reconsidered.
After working with the Center’s psychologist, Maria found a way out of the situation. She transferred for work to another city and went to live there. Having rented an apartment for herself, the girl began to live according to her own rules and desires, without reporting to her parents. She finally realized that she was an adult an independent person who is responsible for his own life.
The girl no longer “stuns” men with categorical statements about marriage and family, but tries more to communicate with them and get to know them better.
On the other hand, she takes the issue of intimacy quite seriously. Maria gave up the idea that first sex should only be with her husband, but she wants it to be a truly beloved man.
As for her parents, the girl often visits them and communicates by phone, each time reporting that she is doing well.
Working on yourself
To summarize, it is important to note that a happy and harmonious relationship is work. First of all - over yourself and even before meeting a man. In order to avoid being in the “wrong” relationship again, it is advisable for a woman to carry out an “audit” of her views and attitudes, her attitude towards herself, and her idea of men in general.
At that stage it is important to get professional help and support. After all, subconscious attitudes can be so well hidden and “disguised” that identifying them on your own is far from easy. Therefore, when working with a psychologist, a woman will be able to:
- understand the reason for failures in relationships;
- understand why a negative attitude towards oneself has formed. At what stage did it “break”;
- pick up individual program transition to a state of positivity and perception of oneself as a valuable person, an attractive woman worthy of being treated well;
- realize what exactly you need in a relationship;
- build your own boundaries in communication and relationships and learn to defend them;
- understand how you can be self-sufficient and at the same time happy in a relationship.
Are you offended that your interlocutor ignores what you say, the boss does not give important instructions, and in the team they simply do not notice you, even if the famous quotes of Coco Chanel come out of your mouth every minute? If it seems to you that no one you know wants to see you as a serious person, then there is a reason to seriously think about yourself, change your statuses about happiness and look for probable reasons. Here are just a few of them.
Excessive talkativeness
Watch your speech. Perhaps the reason is that you are too talkative, so your words have long become background noise for those around you. Quotes from Coco Chanel should not become slogans, but a guide to action. Learn to build a dialogue with your interlocutor, choosing interesting topics for conversation that you understand. And sometimes, to create a positive impression, it is better to keep your mouth shut.
Superficial judgments
Don’t rush to immediately express everything you barely had time to think about. The first thought that comes to mind in the heat of a discussion will be rather emotional, but incorrect. When talking with people, think about every word you say and analyze the reaction of your interlocutors.
Inability to listen
Perhaps you are constantly busy with your thoughts, your statuses about happiness, and you can’t wait to discuss them with someone. But your interlocutor needs to be listened to. You make an attentive expression on your face, but still strive to quickly turn the conversation to a topic that interests you. Such behavior will be annoying, but the ability to listen, as stated in quotes from Coco Chanel, has never harmed anyone.
Weak life position
People who themselves do not know what they want from life often become “black sheep” who are not taken seriously. Formulate clear life principles, show independence from other people’s opinions, and then there will be a chance to gain authority.
Laziness and irresponsibility
Do you find a thousand excuses for your reluctance to work? Do you constantly shift responsibility onto the shoulders of others? Do you think that it is better to rest once again than to use all the opportunities for career growth? Don't think that no one notices your laziness. It is impossible to take people who are lazy, irresponsible and lacking initiative seriously, as is repeatedly mentioned in quotes from Coco Chanel.
Lack of enthusiasm
Does your work not bring you pleasure and makes you depressed? Why pass it on to others? It is better to take on the task with enthusiasm, trying to complete it properly. A serious attitude towards the work entrusted to you will make others look at you in a new way.
Question:
Good evening! Svetlana! I ask you to help me cope with the feeling that no one is taking me seriously! I began to notice that I was being interrupted at work. In this team I am often on my own. There seem to be no conflicts with anyone, and lunch in the dining room is somehow more alone. Although someone from the department nearby may come up and sit at another table. There is a feeling that I am a stranger. I no longer like the job, I’m already looking for a new one.
And the same problem arose in the family. My opinion is not welcome. Even my proposals lead to misunderstandings and even scandals. Then I leave, and then I can’t come to my senses for a long time! I feel useless.
The son wanted to stay overnight with his grandmother. But she refused. Explaining that my sister’s son and mine will not always share something, because of this, every time it’s a “madhouse.” Better let him go home. My father is always in the observer's position. It turns out that I always “make conflicts” and “set myself up” for it. That's what they say.
I'm trying to explain that they are children and that's how it will be. That we need to meet more often. And they want everything to be perfect.
My sister's birthday is coming soon. But I don’t want to go and do anything for her anymore. I would like to set some boundaries. I always wanted a good, warm, trusting relationship. But this is not the case. We are strangers, and sometimes it seems to me that she is happy when things don’t work out for me.
When I leave them, I feel like my legs are giving way and I won’t make it home. That’s why I want my own friendly family, where everyone will love and support each other. They will be glad to meet you. And in this family there will definitely be enough attention for everyone!
Thank you for your answer! Thank you very much!
Answer:
Hello, Lena. I sincerely sympathize with you. When there is no understanding and support, this is the most painful thing.
You are right that you need to build your boundaries. And then the question arises: What energy is needed for this?
Aggression, anger, anger...
These emotions are condemned by many around. And very often people fall into the trap: “You can’t do this. This is wrong. It’s not nice to behave like this.” Think for a second - Who is saying these words? These words are suggested by people who themselves are, if not very, then quite aggressive. Or non-aggressive. But they have nothing in life.
Didn't your mother express aggression when she said that the children wouldn't share something? This is aggression. Only she is in such a form that you cannot do anything. So that you have nothing to object to. She just didn't meet you. And you don’t seem to have the right not to meet her halfway.
Tell me, what will happen if you don’t go to your sister’s birthday?
By your actions, you show that you do not agree with how you are treated. And this will be a manifestation of aggression. This will be the establishment of some kind of boundary. If you go even further and say: “I am extremely unpleasant about your attitude towards me and my child. I also don’t like what you say about me creating conflicts. And setting myself up. Stop saying this. You offend me in this way ".
Make your feelings known. About myself. About your pain.
Tell him firmly that then there is no need to communicate. If communication only involves blaming you and humiliating you. And in general, if they are wrong, then they should ask for your forgiveness.
Everything I wrote to you is very difficult to do. At first. And yet, if you set a goal for yourself and begin to express yourself now, you will soon notice how those around you begin to treat you with more respect. So don't put it off until later. Raise your aggression for good now.
With faith in your happiness, Svetlana Morozova, psychologist, author of the book