Have you ever heard this? All of us, and men in particular, value our independence too highly, but even that can become a burden. And when this happens, you involuntarily think about marriage.
So why do we love some people and marry others? In order to understand this issue thoroughly, I propose to take into consideration a woman’s point of view. So, why and why men love women, and what motivates them when the desire arises to tie the knot of Hymen with their fair half
Unfortunately or fortunately, not all marriages are made in heaven. Today, sadly enough, marriage for love is almost as rare as endangered species of artiodactyls listed in the Red Book. According to statistics, only 10 out of 100 marriages are concluded for great and bright love. Modern youth even joke about this: “Marriage is not a lottery. You have a chance in the lottery...
Marriage is becoming a disappearing type of relationship. More than half of couples prefer the so-called open relationship(civil marriage) or “free love”. The latter is a kind of eastern type of marriage relationship - that is, one man can have 2 or more women, and one woman can have 2 or more men.
We inherited freelancing from the “Hippie” generation. Now you can hear more and more often: “I love you! I will love you both in sorrow and in joy until the wedding!” - or, - “Not every life ends in death; sometimes it ends in marriage.” Not a fun prospect, would you agree?
And yet men get married. So what motivates them, what makes them consciously make such sacrifices??? Let's try to figure it out; why men love some and marry others.
Reason 1. Marry a beautiful, smart and rich...
Remember the aphorism: “If you want to marry a smart, beautiful and rich woman, you will have to marry three times.”Indeed, when choosing a future wife, a man initially determines for himself a number of criteria that she must meet. It often turns out that the one for whom he has tender feelings does not know how to bake according to his mother’s old recipe and does not even come close to the image of an ideal wife. There is only one way out - to marry Masha Ivanova, so that she bakes pies and takes care of her mother’s geraniums, and you can love anyone.
When faced with these types of situations, I always remember the words of my friend's mother. Once upon a time, even before the wedding, a friend admitted to her that she did not love her future husband. “Nothing,” my mother answered, “I also love Invar Kalninish, and I live with your dad... and nothing...”. Yes, that happens too.
Reason 2. And this also happens...
The same situation with choosing a future wife according to criteria can turn into a real tragedy for a man also because his ideal will not be reflected in him. On this score there is, old wise parable about two ideals.One man, even in his youth, decided that he would marry only the girl who would correspond to his ideas about the ideal. He visited all the neighboring settlements and did not find anything even remotely similar to what he was looking for. Then he decided that he would set off on a journey throughout the world in search of his dream.
Friends and relatives tried to dissuade him, but he, without listening to anyone, set off on a long haul. The young man spent 10 years wandering, saw a lot, experienced a lot, but ideal woman I never found it for myself. What was left for him? To return and live the rest of his life as a bog... On the way to his native place, he met a girl of unprecedented beauty. After talking with her, he realized that he had found what he had been looking for for so many years. The man told her about his wanderings, admitted that he had been looking for her all his life and proposed to her. The girl smiled and answered: “You were looking for your ideal hundreds of miles away, but I found mine very close, forgive me, but I already have a husband and I love him more than anyone in the world.”
If you are lucky enough to find your ideal, this does not mean that you are also ideal for this person. Everyone has their own ideal.
Returning to the topic, it can and should be said that confrontation with this kind of inconsistency often forces men to desperate actions. For example, to marry an unloved woman. In this case, I really want to give advice to the desperate martyrs: “Choosing a bride is stupid! The main thing is to choose your mother-in-law!”
Reason 3. Second time according to calculation...
I think that many readers are familiar with the phrase: “The first time you marry is for love, the second for convenience, the third for habit.” I'm much more interested in the 2nd time.In our financially unstable times, when oil prices are rising and America is diligently approaching the East, men urgently need confidence in tomorrow. When I talk about arranged marriages, I don't just mean financial side. Take it higher. The calculation goes to power, career growth, position in society, fame and other privileges attached to a wife.
When it comes to all of the above, it is a rare man who is able to resist temptation, even if his future or current wife is an old, scary senile woman with dentures and detachable legs. For greater clarity, I will give an example of one of best novels Guy de Maupassant's "Dear Friend". Just read it and you will have a very definite opinion about what kind of calculations the grayest male representative is capable of.
There are also those who make money in order to provide the woman they love with everything she deserves. I take my hat off to them. Love can justify almost everything...
Reason 4. Married people live longer...
One of my friends was very fond of repeating: “It’s not true that married people live longer. It only seems so to them,” until he got married himself.Marriage is, to a certain extent, a stereotype that has developed and taken root in our minds. How intensely western culture I didn’t uproot it from us; it still sits deep to this day.
And there is nothing unnatural in the fact that a normal, average man dreams of having a family, wants to nail nails with his son and eat on Sundays. In reality, many people only dream of this quiet happiness.
Why? In our youth we chase chimeras, in adulthood we look long and carefully to avoid mistakes and in the end we don’t decide on anything, and when we look at relatives and friends who have acquired a “nest and chicks,” we begin to push ourselves. The unpleasant word “MUST” from a long-forgotten pioneer childhood appears in the lexicon. Relatives and friends painfully sting with greasy jokes on this topic and thereby imperceptibly put pressure on an already shaken psyche.
And this notorious scenario is crowned with a wedding with the first woman who came to hand. There is no need to talk about any love. It’s just a pity that the words from A. Pugacheva’s song have been forgotten:
...I must, I must, I must have fallen in love!
We should, we should, we should stop!
But I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't
I can’t and I don’t want to!
Even children today know that to create a full-fledged unit of society, one “MUST” is catastrophically not enough. We need something much more...
5. Is marriage all about marriage? And other reasons.
There are many reasons for not marrying for love. This is the unexpected pregnancy of a friend, with whom he was about to break up, and the desire to change the rhythm of life (when you are tired of everything, you need to try something else), and the desire to be loved, without loving yourself, and the fear of loneliness, old age, helplessness and much more. Such marriages are obviously doomed to failure.Such a marriage is a complete marriage, with the exception of the result (children). There are many reasons - many consequences. It’s sad to realize that today’s reality dictates its own rules to us, and men increasingly agree to play by them in life, denying themselves the most important thing – love.
It’s sad, but sometimes a person manages his life based not on the dictates of his heart, but on some rational considerations and meager arguments of reason, or even on someone’s instigation. One of bright examples That is, choosing your “half”, by marrying with whom you can create a family: according to some specific criteria, rejecting sincere love and relative position two young people to each other. What is customary to guide the choice of a partner or life partner and why does it happen that they love some and marry others?
Be that as it may, the roots of this phenomenon go far into the past. Both in the vastness of our Motherland and in distant overseas countries, there was a custom of matchmaking that passed on to the matrimonial ceremony itself. During it, the groom's envoys came to the house of the future bride and tried to “bargain” with her parents, determining all sorts of merits and talents of the girl, as well as material and social status families. Although sometimes the bride and groom did not even really know each other before the wedding and were only conditionally interested in their opinions.
Nowadays, such events can also be found quite often, especially in eastern countries, where children are married long before they come of age. This tradition is not uncommon in the Western world, because in states where the main form of government is monarchy, a person of a high social class does not have the right to independently, at the behest of his soul, choose his wife.
On a smaller, private scale, this phenomenon can be called a marriage of convenience. And if earlier such behavior was required by traditions and age-old customs, then what in modern world forces young people to form a family, guided by a set of specific criteria when choosing a couple?
The desire to find a home and family. Any person is concerned with his own instinct of procreation. At a younger age, this feeling is suppressed by desires to make a career, earn a million, buy another car, and so on. But over the years, all such thoughts become secondary, and the desire to start a family comes to the fore.
The desire to be needed by someone. There is a common belief that men run away from intimate relationships for fear of losing their freedom. But even in the life of the most inveterate bachelor, there comes a moment when, leaving the bar after an all-male drinking binge, all his friends go home to their wives, but he has two options: either to his empty apartment, or to another girlfriend, whose name he only recently remembered and from whom you can hardly expect warmth, understanding and support in any difficult situation.
Fear of loneliness and incompleteness of one's life purpose. As a rule, this feeling appears in adulthood, when, after achieving all the goals set in youth and realizing all the plans, a feeling of emptiness and insufficiency remains in the soul. A person can seek a means of replenishing this in marriage.
Banal household amenities. Free life without any obligations, of course, has its own reasons and advantages, but for everyone to a normal person Sometimes you want to eat delicious and home-cooked food, put on ironed clothes and return to a tidy apartment in the evenings. But even if a hired housewife can do all this, only the wife can ensure order in sexual relations, and this is also not unimportant.
Vanity. Such marriages happen when one of the spouses is a respected, attractive, famous person, with high position in society, simply put, an enviable lot. And by marrying such a person, it is easy to assert yourself in the eyes of others, and even your own.
The calculation is not always about striving for financial well-being. Sometimes this is a desire to possess certain intangible benefits, which life is obviously deprived of even with a dearly loved person. But if, with a rational approach to choosing your future half, you provide yourself with all your unmet needs, then whether such a family will be simply happy is far from known.
A long time ago, someone said: to marry a girl who is beautiful, rich, smart, you need to marry 3 times.
Is it possible to combine everything?
And I have heard more than once from other men that their companions are often not suitable for the role of wife, but it is pleasant to relax with them.
I understand that when a man is looking for a woman for the future, he wants her to be the most beautiful and economical, but for some reason she doesn’t know how to do basic things: cook borscht or mend socks.
He seems to love her, but he doesn’t understand that a lady can learn to cook borscht over time, without necessarily renouncing her right away. Ideal people it doesn't happen. Therefore, very often a man chooses not his beloved wife, but a housewife.
What about feelings? Love? Then you won't have to wait for this. A man can marry for convenience. If he knows that his future father-in-law will give him a decent job, he will have his own office and a high, stable salary. Then he will give up love for the sake of a satisfying life, but how long will he endure this?
Unknown. After all, feelings and passion in a relationship are very important for any person. Then he will regret it, but he will not be able to return anything.
The beloved will also not wait until the man gets rich in marriage and remembers her. She also needs to arrange her personal life so as not to remain an old maid.
So in marriage, by and large, there is barter - you take care of me, I give you work (money)?
But what about those who want to get married, but for some reason they are not accepted?
I have a neighbor who is already over 30, but she still... doesn’t get any smarter. Meets with young couples, but dreams of marriage. I know that by nature she is sensitive, kind, will share the last piece of bread, and will look after the old lady. But her relationship with the opposite sex is consumer-based - she gives, and they take advantage.
The main thing that any woman needs to know is that a man does not like vulgarity.
Therefore, he can only hang out with a vulgar woman, but he will never want to marry her. And he will choose a modest and decent girl, with whom he will not be ashamed to go out and will be pleasant to communicate with.
There are many reasons not to marry for love. This may turn out to be pregnancy, but only conscientious men will not leave the mother of their unborn baby and get married, even if they don’t want to.
Someone wants to change their life and understand why marriage is good. Such a marriage will not last long; it will fall apart at the first opportunity, because there was not a drop of love in it.
The only thing that can make a marriage last is children.
If a man and a woman would still like to save even such an initially incorrect marriage, then the wife needs to continue to take care of herself and meet her husband beautiful, cheerful, and playful.
The husband, in turn, has to come from work to good mood, give your wife flowers, periodically bring a cake to please her. You need to communicate more often, go for walks, go on weekends.
Maybe at first the husband and wife will be friends, but over time their friendship will turn into great love. Before they know it, they will fall in love and will not be able to live without each other.
Do you also think that there is a difference between those who are married and those who are loved?
Text: Ekaterina Eliseeva
A man and woman live in a civil marriage. She’s been looking at engagement rings for a long time, but he’s still putting off proposing. Then he suddenly breaks off the relationship, and then very quickly marries someone else. Are you familiar with this story? Or maybe you even had a chance to be her heroine?
As a rule, abandoned and disappointed people are tormented by the same questions: “What is wrong with me?” or “How is she better than me?” In search of answers, John Molloy, author of the book “Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others,” interviewed more than 3.5 thousand grooms and found out what criteria they were guided by when choosing a spouse. , reports the British edition of The Daily mail.
Too attractive to be a wife
Molloy asked men to describe their brides - only 20% of respondents used words like “sexy” or “luxurious”, all the rest described the character traits of their future wives. The majority was ready to subscribe to the statement “She looks like a woman who is not ashamed to bring anywhere.” More than 30% admitted that the approval of their parents (and other relatives) helped them decide that they had finally met “the right” woman. You probably guess that most parents do not dream of having a sex bomb next to their son, after whom all men from 18 to 88 are looking.
Another good reason why men prefer to focus on other qualities rather than sexuality is rooted in the distant past. “A wife should not be too sexy also because deep down a man wants to be sure that he is raising his own children,” explains psychologist Dr. Jane McCartney. - The stronger sex is attracted to loyalty, prudence and kindness when it comes to finding a soul mate. Willingness to flirt, impudence, temperament - these are the qualities that men will be glad to see in their girlfriends (but not in their wives). Look at Cameron Diaz, it seems that each of her companions has a running line on their forehead: “I don’t believe that she will be with me for a long time, she’s too good.” But at the same time, men like girls who are able to take care of themselves: slim, well-groomed, with good hair and nails. It sounds somewhat schizophrenic, but this is how things are: representatives of the stronger half of humanity prefer sexy and slender, but not too slender.
Don't wait for weather by the sea
Another reason why women find themselves without wedding ring on the finger - they don’t try too hard to “put the squeeze” on the man. 73% of future wives admitted that they persistently insisted on marriage, rather than waiting idly for a romantic proposal.
According to psychologist Dr. Joel Block, author of " Real reasons"The Real Reasons Men Commit," women should be especially wary of the idea of living together outside of marriage.
Statistics cited by John Molloy confirm this idea: “Most men propose marriage after 22 months. Over the next three and a half years, the prospects for marriage become less and less. After seven years of dating, the likelihood of you getting married is zero.”
A woman who agreed to the proposal “Let's try to live together” more than once, her chances of getting married rapidly decrease.
If you are dating a person who has already tasted all the delights of a civil marriage with another, and intend to marry him, be sure to tell him about this at the very early stage of the relationship, bring your wishes to his attention. Let him know that what is no more than a piece of paper to him is very important to you.
Research also shows that men prefer women who don't take household chores (cooking his favorite dish, cleaning up, doing laundry, ironing shirts) for granted - no one wants to marry a servant. In short, they are attracted to women who have good self-esteem.
“For a man, a civil marriage is often a pleasant way to while away the wait for the one and only one. Women sometimes become victims of their own illusions, believing that living together is a step towards marriage. Meanwhile, men are in no hurry to equate marriage with civil marriage. For them official marriage- this is a demonstration of more high level obligations,” says Joel Block.