The times when young people, completely young and innocent, were matched by their parents are long gone. We are in no hurry to get married, but we may have more than one relationship with the opposite sex before marriage. In this regard, a logical question arises: how to be better than your ex?
I want a man in a relationship with you to think only about you, and not about his previous relationships and about their main participant. What does it mean to “be the best” and is it worth pursuing in order to be happy in a relationship? Let's talk about this in this post.
Best the enemy of the good
As sad as it may be to say, we often strive to be the best at everything. Why "unfortunate"? Because in many ways it is unnatural. Perhaps our upbringing is to blame - very often, from childhood, parents instill in their children that either they are already the best, or should be so.
But remember that being the best does not mean. The concept of “the most beautiful” or “the smartest” is very conditional, and in striving to get such a label, a girl can sacrifice a lot, and in particular herself and her individuality.
How to be better than others? Who exactly is better? And what? Do you want to be more beautiful than Masha from the neighboring yard, cook better than your neighbor Katya, and joke funnier than your friend Marina? Even if there were a yardstick that could quantify each of your assets, believe that you are magnificent and unique just the way you are. Be yourself - this is the main condition for being the best!
But this, of course, does not mean that you do not need to strive for anything. If you realize that you need to improve your body and exercise or read more to be more educated, then do it. But remember that this makes sense precisely for your development, and not in order to be more attractive to some young man.
ex and win him over?
There is nothing seditious about fighting for the man you like and conquering him. The times when ladies dutifully waited for their prince at the window are over. Now the girls “go” first and win. But is there any pleasure in “fighting” for a man? Wouldn't it turn out that the conquered one will not entirely belong to you, but rather will feel himself a prisoner of your bonds of love?
We will look below at ways to improve (as much as possible), but the advice will come with a caveat in which case your efforts may be in vain.
Past relationships that interfere with your present
Let's say you love yourself for who you are, and therefore do not strive for unnecessary improvement. You met a worthy young man and entered into a relationship. And... you feel that past relationships are persistently interfering in your life. The young man every now and then remembers his ex-passion with a kind word, but all you get is criticism. The thought inadvertently arises: how to be better than your ex? Let's figure out how to do this and whether it is necessary to strive for this at all.
Is it worth learning to cook?
You earn normal money and think that it’s good that you can open yogurt or cut sausage yourself. If the joke that the hostess was best served with mayonnaise is about you, then the dissatisfied comments of the young man that borscht ex-girlfriend was simply delightful, and it would be nice for you to take an example from her, not without reason. The answer to the question: “How to become better than his ex?” has a clear answer: “Learn to cook!” Girls are born to be feminine, beautiful and magnificent homemakers. Men are pleased that women are building a career and working, but this does not relieve women of the responsibility to feed their households.
Therefore, if you really want to be better in this particular case, take a few free master classes from a friend, mother or grandmother. If you understand that this is not for you, then the relationship most likely will not work out - what kind of girl will tolerate constant comparisons with her ex that are not in her favor?
To be more beautiful (slimmer, more athletic)?
Everything seems to be fine in your relationship. But from time to time, your loved one looks at the photo of your ex-passion with a sad sigh, and then looks at you with displeasure. This is where we need to figure it out.
How to be better than your ex? Is it necessary? Let's say your appearance is not perfect even in your opinion - a few extra kilos, lack of... delicate taste in clothes or an upturned nose. But did you know that a loving look turns imperfections into sweet highlights of your beloved?
If a young man is madly in love with you and offers to go in for fitness with him so that you become healthier and more beautiful, that’s one thing. It’s not bad if he invites you to try on something new in clothes and takes you shopping. If your loved one invites you to go to the gym for the reason that you do not meet his ideal, then things are bad. When you find the figure of his dreams (note, not yours), it turns out that it would not hurt you to get rhinoplasty, hair extensions, or something else.
What should I do? You can become better than others only for a short period of time, until someone more interesting appears on the horizon of your chosen one’s attention. And then they will set a new goal for you - learn a language, attend yoga courses or get implants in your butt. They will stubbornly mold you into Galatea, who, nevertheless, cannot have her own opinion or desires.
How to be a good lover?
Sexual life is also no longer something shameful and very delicate. Partners can and should talk to each other about their desires, preferences, and fantasies. This helps you get closer and have a comfortable time together. But you must admit, the difference is huge - either they offer you to be more relaxed, or they compare you (not in your favor) with
How to be a good lover? The answer is universal - be as relaxed as possible, follow your desires, don’t do what seems unnatural or unpleasant to you. Throw away advice like “think about your partner” - when you think about someone, you become enslaved and begin to monitor the process too much.
But be careful about comparisons. If there is someone else in your bed with your chosen one, then the situation may not change. Love and respect yourself! No matter how good the young man is, know that in any case you deserve to be the only one!
Developing intelligence
It is very unpleasant if a man reproaches you for stupidity. Well, of course, because he defended more than one dissertation and last year was nominated for Nobel Prize, so everything fits! No? So why does this young man allow himself to reproach you for something? Is he smart in all areas of knowledge? You may not know some laws of physics or may not be strong in geography, but you must admit, there is something in which you are an ace! For example, you know all the actors of our time, you know how to cook, or you really like to read. There are no people who know everything. Any successful scientist became such only because he completely devoted himself to studying a topic that interested him, abstracting from everything else.
Therefore, if you are reproached for stupidity in comparison with your ex-girlfriend, then it is insoluble. How can you be better than your ex in such a situation? No way. No matter how much you read, you will not become smart enough in his eyes.
Rivalry in the present tense
What if a man’s attention is directed not to the past, but to the present? What if someone else is now fighting for the attention of your chosen one? How to be better than your opponent? Remember that there are qualities that cannot be quantified. Why do we like this particular person? because he is the best or because there is something special about him just for us? The fact is that you can surpass your rival in all respects, be more beautiful, smarter, wittier, but the man will still fall in love with someone other than you. Believe me, in this case, fighting is inappropriate. This means that there is someone else for you, and you just haven’t met him yet. However, a meeting is inevitable!
Another component of success
Many fairly beautiful, educated girls are unhappy in their personal lives. Surely you have more than one friend who is both smart and beautiful, but lonely. Why is this so? Perhaps the answer lies in the following - this girl is not confident in herself and does not love herself.
Remember that people who are in demand by the opposite sex are madly in love, and not with anyone, but with themselves. This is not about sick pride, but about healthy egoism. Only if you value yourself, if you take care of yourself and do not let others offend you, will you be successful in a relationship. A woman who loves herself will win and her former or current rivals will have no chance.
And finally
You have received a secret weapon, the answer to the question of how to be better than your ex. Part of the answer is that you are already better, that you are the best, unique and unusual. If your chosen one every now and then looks back at the past and makes comparisons not in your favor, then perhaps that relationship simply is not over yet.
Meanwhile, each of us must develop and improve - not for the sake of someone, but for ourselves. Therefore, do what you like. Take fitness classes, cooking classes, build a career, or just enjoy life.
We are people new formation, such contemporaries, and, of course, all perfectionists, and in Russian: we are all convinced that self-improvement and the improvement of other people is precisely the goal to which a person should strive. But do we know the limit?
The desire to be the best is embedded in each of us, as a rule, by society. First, this is the parental model of behavior, then kindergarten, school, work, finally, fashion trends in glossy magazines, and, of course, Mother Nature herself.
School and an unrealistic story
As always, as an example, I take my friend, who knows exactly what self-improvement is in all its glory. So, it was back in the 4th grade, when my friend Allochka came home from school, and my mother was looking through her diary. A day ago we were writing a math test, and there was something terribly difficult, so almost the whole class failed it. But Alla is a smart girl, she always diligently learns everything by heart, and now she is the only one in the whole class who has a solid B! Mom frowned and asked: “I don’t understand, why “four”?” Allka was not taken aback and immediately answered her mother with an arrogant look: “By the way, everyone else completely failed the test, you should be proud that you have an indigo child!” Mom, of course, did not become proud, and immediately uttered a phrase that, in fact, ruined Allka’s whole life: “I don’t care that the whole class failed the test, why did you get a B?!” On the one hand, so what’s wrong with that? On the contrary, it’s an additional incentive to wipe mom’s nose. But it’s not so simple, mom didn’t even realize that the most weak side her beloved daughter was prone to sad and lengthy analysis of the situation, in scientific terms this is called reflection. And now more than 20 years have passed since then, and Allochka is still struggling with the fact that she has “four”. It seems to her that she is completely unsuccessful, because there will always be someone who is better than her. Some have more beautiful handwriting, some can add numbers in their head faster, some have a straighter nose than hers, some have a thinner waist, some have slimmer legs, and so on ad infinitum. Ultimately, the desire to get only “A’s” resulted in very unpleasant habits. She is afraid that she will do something wrong, she is afraid that she will be ashamed, for example, she will not be able to dance a gypsy dance at a wedding. cousin, although no one has even asked her to marry yet. And even if they call, she still won’t be able to, because she has no idea what it is. And what is she doing? She simply does not participate in such events. The second side effect is that she believes even the first person she meets, and if they tell her: “Allochka, you’re super!”, she will be ready to immediately write a will and rewrite everything that belongs to her, and die right there, just to please this person. And lastly, it is very difficult for her at work, because the result “good” is not a result, it is a “four”, and she should be the best. If you eradicate these three components, then Alla is a very sweet girl, she brings only joy and positivity to people, but you can’t just throw these “things” away. Do you think she's the only one? Of course not! So, in fact, in nature there are two types of this very perfectionism. The first is banal, i.e. real. The second, funny, but also has its place - it’s called “to get a job.” I'll start with the second one.
“What is your main flaw?” “I have only one - I’m a terrible perfectionist!”
When Larisa was getting another job, our mutual friend gave her advice: “When they ask you about your shortcomings, make a sad face and say very gloomily: my only shortcoming is that I am a terrible perfectionist.” But, apparently, Mashka told this miracle trick to the whole world, or broadcast it on the radio. Because now, when Larisa herself hires new specialists, 9 out of 10 say exactly this phrase, from the outside it is very funny and amusing. Although keep in mind, if they answer you like this during an interview, know that the person is definitely not who he says he is, i.e. has no intention of improving himself. This fact has already been verified a thousand times, and as experience and tests on rabbits have shown, people who call themselves perfectionists, as a rule, are lazy, “don’t care” and work only because they have to. But the first type is something. One of my former colleagues, her name is Olya, was simply an inveterate perfectionist, and this was expressed in everything. We correspond with her on Skype, I don’t pay much attention to my spelling, well, I wrote it with a mistake and okay, I didn’t put a comma - well, what’s wrong with that. Olya writes all the words in full, places commas according to all punctuation rules, and begins each message with a capital letter. Moreover, I didn’t notice all this right away, but only after she began to apologize for making a mistake in a word or not putting a comma before “what.” But the story didn’t end there either. She once almost divorced her husband because of something super-duper trivial. From the first days of their marriage, all household chores were planned out - who was doing what. Cleaning the apartment was entrusted to the husband. Moreover, the phase shift in cleanliness in the house was almost the first on the list for Olya; it was scary to breathe in their house, not to mention, God forbid, sneezing. My husband had to clean the apartment 3 times a week, and not just vacuum, but wipe all the corners, almost wash the curtains. Well, in general, he did all this diligently for some time, and then, when he became lazy, he secretly hired a housekeeper, who came under the heading of strict secrecy, did all the work and just as quickly disappeared. All this time Olya could not get enough of her husband, what a great guy he was and how well he did everything. But after six months such carelessness was revealed terrible truth! What happened... It’s hard to even imagine! To my question: “Ol, why be so nervous, is the apartment clean? You didn't do this? So what's the problem?". She answered me the following: “I will not allow disorder in my life, everything must be perfect for me as I planned, otherwise everything will be lost...”.The slipperiest slope - young mothers
The first type also includes young mothers. Not all of them, of course, but would you agree that you definitely know such a young lady in your circle? Alice had been preparing for the birth of a child, probably since childhood, and when she found out about her pregnancy, life simply ended for her. She read with rapture all day long necessary literature, watched all of Komarovsky’s programs, prepared for the birth of a child strictly according to the points in the book. A daughter was born, and the madness, it turns out, has just begun: the temperature in the apartment is only 19 degrees (and not a drop more or less), the water for bathing is 32, and, God forbid, the mother-in-law comes and puts a pacifier in her daughter’s mouth without “scalding” it. Boiling her 5 times is all, she is enemy number 1 for her child, and she won’t set foot here again. Any cry from the daughter is explained by a lack of attention from her dad, who yesterday did not hold her in his arms for as long as harmonious development requires. It would take a long time to talk about feeding in general, everything here is like in a concentration camp: strictly, dosed, according to a schedule, and God forbid, give the same bottle twice.He and she: ideal relationship and perfect sex
It would probably be logical to continue the topic by including interpersonal relationships and sex. But, in fact, this topic is so vast that even 5 sheets are not enough for me to describe real-life examples or even theory. In this topic, you can touch anything. For example, in a smart book you can read that in order for sex to be complete, there must be 120 movements of the man (scientifically they are called frictions). So, one of my friends counted (well, not out loud), and each time she strived for the ideal number, if there were 115, then that’s it - sex was considered not to have worked out, and, naturally, she did not get pleasure. Another friend was so “confused” about her figure that she got the impression that she needed to do the bare minimum before sex plastic surgery and take a six-month course of cellulite wraps. There is no other way, because the husband definitely sees all this and probably doesn’t get the pleasure he deserves! Such are the habits! So, we draw conclusions - there must be moderation in everything. Remember that cleaning your washing machine once a year is only good for its longevity. Doing this every day is detrimental to your mental health!
QUESTION FOR PSYCHOLOGISTS
Asked by: Nika (2012-01-12 17:47:43)
My problem is that I want to be the best in everything, but no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I put in, nothing comes of it. This is especially true for sports. I do it professionally. I won’t go into too much detail.
Parents are still putting pressure on me. supposedly nothing will come of it. The sport is expensive, so you have to invest a lot of money. and still no results.
My life is very different from an ordinary teenager, in that I often travel abroad and go to some schools as an external student.
I’m afraid to return to my old routine life, I’m afraid to give up this sport. I want to be the best and prove to everyone that I can do anything! Maybe I don't have faith in myself.
Every training session I try to give my all 100 percent... my parents say that they are generally “violet”, the main thing is the result... I understand them in a sense, but so far nothing has worked out.
ANSWERS FROM PSYCHOLOGISTS
Hello, Nika!
Sign up for a consultation, I’ll tell you how the desire for idealism works and what the risks may be. How to treat them so as not to destroy your immunity and maintain a resourceful state for the desired successes.
Sincerely.
Hello Nika! In general, the desire to be the best is not bad in itself. But if this desire overshadows all other areas of life, then problems will certainly begin. Firstly, it is impossible to be the best at everything. You can be the best in one area. Secondly, you need to know why you need to be the best. Prove to everyone - WHY? What is so important to you about this? Well, you will become the best - so what? Try to answer these questions honestly. Perhaps you will better understand your motivation and then it will actually be easier for you to achieve your goals. If not clear understanding, why you are doing something in your life and what result you will get, then progress towards the goal becomes meaningless. Usually, achieving a goal becomes easier and more meaningful if a person does something for himself, and not in order to prove something to someone. If you well and clearly formulate your goal, for example, what exactly you want to be the best at (and not at everything), and most importantly - why you need it, then the energy for its implementation will go exactly there, and will not be wasted on doubts and no one needs evidence.
As for your parents, it’s a pity that they don’t support you. You write that the result is important to them. What is important to you? Maybe the result is important to you because it is important to them? What is really important to you, to you? Be prepared for the fact that if you fail to be the best, great disappointments await you. It is better to strive to do what you are good at. Read Mark Fisher's book, The Millionaire Golfer: Championship Techniques. It will be useful to you. Good luck to you!
Nika, hello.You are smart, because despite the fact that your family doesn’t particularly support you, you continue to train hard. The position of your parents may suggest the goal of setting you up for victory, for achievement. Any victory involves long and hard work, hard work. Read about the works of famous gymnasts, and in general famous people. Was it easy for them to achieve success? Having achieved success, you will, first of all, prove to yourself that everything is not in vain and there is no such thing as useless work. Any person is happy if he has managed to understand that everything depends on himself, on his belief in himself. Don’t take your parents’ words to heart, they can’t help but love you, it’s just that people of any age can sometimes be wrong and not notice it. Set yourself a goal and move towards it. How nice it will be when you are on the crest of a wave, and this will definitely happen if you work hard.
I wish you success!