Good afternoon
I am addressing you, dear community members, because... I understand that I cannot solve my problem myself. I feel where its source is - in a childhood tragedy, it seems to me. But, unfortunately, there are no financial resources to work with a psychologist in person. Hope you can point me in the right direction independent work above yourself. Perhaps there are some methods, books or seminars - trainings devoted to such things. I really hope for advice.
The essence of the problem is the lack of relationships with men. I am 30 years old. But there was no relationship. There were fans, but the majority were quite indecisive and, in principle, not those with whom I would like to build relationships. There were loves, but all these men were married or in serious relationships. But I didn’t have enough courage, I was tormented by remorse, and I wasn’t sure that even if I started a serious relationship with one of these unfree men, that everything would be fine and for a long time. I try to block my feelings so that they are not so noticeable, so as not to look like an idiot in the eyes of those who like me and everyone around me. It seems to me that it is somehow shameful to be in love with some unworthy person. For a long time I believed that everyone who liked me was not worthy of me - too stupid, young, lazy, rags, talkative, weak... Although, maybe they were like that. But someone else, perhaps, in my place, would have closed her eyes to something. But I can't. It seems to me that I cannot tolerate a person next to me if something about him irritates me greatly or does not suit me. Although, again, since I think about it, it means, firstly, this is not love at all, even in the initial period of communication and relationship. and secondly, is it worth breaking yourself and enduring just so as not to be alone?
About the childhood tragedy - my parents died - my mother, when I was 14, from cancer in a year, my father - two years later he was killed. My mother is smart and beautiful, with honors, went to the village to follow my father, put her whole life on the house (she did renovations in a huge house), on the farm (livestock, vegetable garden), on the children. And dad - he was good, but he loved company, friends, spent a lot of time with them, drank. They were arguing, and I was so scared of it that I was just overcome with horror. I felt sorry for my mother. After her death, he began bringing women into the house, partying and drinking even more. And I waited for him at night, afraid that something would happen to him, the whole household fell on me. But I justified it by saying that men weaker than women that he endures grief this way. And perhaps it was so. Then a permanent woman appeared. Nice, intelligent. I got used to her, she took care of us. But everything was not easy and they broke up. I felt very sorry for her. And I no longer had the strength to love someone. Then I made a promise to myself not to love or become attached to anyone else, because losing loved ones is unbearable. Maybe it's my promise that's keeping me? And then dad married a woman to whom I was no longer attached, and they were supposed to have a daughter. But dad died before she was born and everything changed. I couldn’t stand drunk men, even just drunk men, for a very, very long time. After the death of my parents, I lived with my mother’s mother, who blamed my father for everything, and every day she told me that my mother gave her whole life to him and died. I tried to resist her in these beliefs, but it was difficult. I had all sorts of conversations with myself about forgiveness and letting go of the feeling of guilt towards my parents. I forgave my dad and forgave myself for actions that could have been very painful for my parents. It seemed to me that I got rid of these attitudes - but now I think that all this remains in the subconscious and does not allow me to move, to maintain normal relationships, relationships in general. I’m afraid of intimacy, distrustful of men’s touches, I see a catch in everything, I don’t believe in the sincerity of their words, I don’t believe that I can be happy in a relationship, I can’t open up to a man and show my sincere interest, I’m always thinking about what he might think about some of my words and actions, I’m afraid to seem too banal, if I’m like all the lonely women - throwing myself at men with hungry eyes, I’m afraid to be and seem too accessible, I’m afraid to look too good so that everyone will guess that I tried to look better. I feel like I’m squeezed in everything (and, apparently, I’ve always been like this), I can’t allow myself to relax, allow something new, allow pleasure, allow myself to be alone and not be ashamed of it, don’t give a damn about everything - and, for example, have sex with a married colleague who makes some hints. I know that if I continue to move along the same trajectory, I won’t be able to change anything. But change is scary. Not changing and missing out on all the other opportunities in life is even worse.
So that you don’t think that all this crushed me - I received a good education, a diploma with honors, I have a good position, my own apartment, most of which I earned myself, I am quite beautiful and sexy (according to men I know), interesting and quite sociable, but not an extrovert, for sure (not exactly a shy person, but they say that I greatly underestimate myself and am unsure of myself).
I always strived for independence, probably because my mother was dependent on my father. And I achieved this independence with approximately the same initial data that my mother had. But she loved (I know this for sure), but I didn’t. Dad loved her too (I know that for sure too), but relationships are complicated things, and I was probably too sensitive a child, since all this had such an impact on me. Intellectually, I understand that you cannot project the relationship of your parents onto yourself, that everything will be different for me, etc. But I feel like I can’t fully believe it. I can't let go of the past.
Also, I have always lived in imaginary worlds. Since childhood and I continue to do this until now at my advanced age. I thought these stories in my head could turn into books. And perhaps they really could. But there is no time to write. And now I still think that this is, to a greater extent, a simple way to get away from reality, in which there are no relationships, to where everything is beautiful, interesting, where the heroines are brave and open, bright and talented, loving and loved. Fairy tales, in short...
I actually didn’t intend to write such a tirade. Sorry it's so much. Tell me, does it really seem to me that my problem stems from childhood or is this generally a feature of my psyche? What to do about it? How to get rid of it?
I've missed so much over the years best years- youth, when everything is possible. And now - how not to miss everything else, not to turn into a dull, boring, disappointed old maid?
You are already 30, and there have been no relationships in your life until now. Short-term affairs and sex do not count. We are talking about long-term stable relationships with prospects for the future. And there are many guys around you with whom you could build a wonderful relationship. But something prevents you from finding personal happiness.
The biggest barrier to a relationship is fear. It can be scary by uncertainty, the possibility of being rejected, further loneliness or disappointment in a person, fear of losing freedom... The list of reasons goes on. You yourself know what exactly you are afraid of in a relationship. On the one hand, you are ready to throw yourself into the pool headlong, on the other hand, how many sad stories have you already heard from your friends. So you start to think: do you need it? Psychologists say that pretty and smart girls regularly come to them with such problems, who simply cannot overcome these fears on their own and find love.
weheartit
But you can and should get out of this state. First you need to understand the root cause. There may be several factors at play here. For example, a bad experience in a past relationship. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. One day you wanted to build a relationship, but in response you received a refusal. You got burned and since then you have been trying in every possible way to avoid any contact with the opposite sex. Because initially you project a bad experience onto a new relationship and don’t even try to open up to your partner.
And sometimes the problem is hidden even deeper and hides its roots in distant childhood. If the parents did not give the child proper love and support, the child formed the opinion that relationships bring only pain and disappointment and do not provide a feeling of support and protection at all. At a conscious age, a person is looking for a relationship, but at the same time he is afraid to enter into one. After all, initially he sets the goal: this connection will not bring me pleasure.
weheartit
On first dates, such people constantly have communication problems. They are afraid to open up to their interlocutor, so they either take a defensive pose, joking and ironizing a lot, thus creating a trail of detachment around themselves, or they deliberately talk about how busy they are and how varied their lives are. Then the partner thinks: “Why does she need me?”
What to do? Relax. You're on a date, not on the set of a movie or at an interview. You don’t need to think every second about how you look, what you do and say. After all, if you dream of a harmonious relationship, sooner or later all your weaknesses will open up. And there’s nothing wrong with that: we’re all imperfect, but that’s our beauty.
I get asked this question very often, and the age category of those asking is very different - from 15 years to infinity. So, what to do if they really weren’t there? Let's find out!
Before we begin with these recommendations and reflections, I invite the reader to define the concept of “serious relationship” in general. It may seem strange to some that I am focusing attention on this, but, as practice shows, not all people correctly understand what it is. Some people think that being in a relationship with married man or married woman, meeting once a week for one purpose, sex, this is a serious relationship. Well, they say, they are stable, we’ve been dating like this for 5 years. No, comrades, I hasten to disappoint you. This is not a serious relationship, it cannot be a priori like that, because both partners bear practically no responsibility to each other. If there was, they would both act honestly towards their families, and, having completed them, would build their new love. Many may disagree with me, saying that circumstances are different - yes, they are, and, as a rule, there are three options: children, jointly acquired property and “we don’t really want it, we’re happy with everything anyway.” Now we will not figure out what all this leads to - this is a separate topic for a whole book. But still, I would not call the relationship between lovers a “serious relationship.”
So what is a “serious relationship”?
A “serious relationship” is a relationship in which the partners know exactly what they want. Their desires do not address immediate opportunities, but are long-term, and own desires are not separated from the desires of the partner, they are joint. In a serious relationship, partners will trust each other as themselves; they know for sure that the forces invested in the relationship will produce results. Partners think big about their future together, that is, they both have dreams that warm them. And, perhaps, the most important thing: partners are not looking for “backup” options. They don’t even look for it in their thoughts. So, if things were somehow different for you before, it means serious relationship You didn't! By the way, such relationships can be completely at different ages- you don’t need to think that only adults can get such “happiness”. But, of course, in each age category, relationships will have their own specifics. The main question - how to build this very “serious relationship” if you have never had a serious relationship - is relevant at any time. One more detail that I would like to draw your attention to: if a girl between 18 and 25 years old asks me such a question, I don’t see anything abnormal in this question, i.e. the situation of the absence of at least one relationship that even remotely resembles “serious” is the norm. But if you are 26 and older, the first priority question will arise - why has this relationship not happened before? Only after this circumstance has been clarified can recommendations be given on how to start a new relationship or how to acquire such a relationship. And the last nuance in discussing this topic is that the recommendations for women and men will be completely different, because if boys like soft and gentle girls, then girls like strong heroes. In general, the difference is huge. But, be that as it may, several general rules still exists. So, let's get down to the most important thing - you met 5 days ago, you have a feeling of inspiration, falling in love, immense happiness, that finally the first stage has been passed, the first step in the relationship has been taken! And - yes, this was the first stage! Acquaintance! And here is the second stage:“If you endure it, you will fall in love”
Crazy wrong saying! It was impossible to thoughtlessly put this thought into people’s heads, because it is precisely this that turns out to be fatal in the end. Here's an example: Lida and Sasha met at a disco, and everything started spinning, spinning, like in a dance... music, relaxation, hot kisses, a sea of romance and incredible passion, the first relationship in her life, which began so violently. This went on for exactly 2 weeks. After which the emotions began to calm down a little, and Lida began to take a closer look at what was happening, already slightly raising “ rose-colored glasses" She didn’t like what she began to notice at all, but the euphoria didn’t let go yet. Moreover, she has not had a relationship for 2 years, and she has already stopped dreaming about serious ones. Months passed, Sasha continued to show the “highlights” of his character to the fullest extent, but Lida stubbornly did not want to pay attention to it. After 9 months they decided to start a family. Here, it seems, a serious relationship has developed. Yes, outwardly they worked out, but not within the couple. Inside, everything was trivial: he lives the way he wants, she lives the way he wants. How long will it last? In this case, it was enough for six months. The moral of this story is this: the first and fatal mistake when trying to create a serious relationship can be your reluctance to see and realize the obvious. The rule “if you endure it, you fall in love” does not work. And, in fact, it never worked!"Rules of our hostel"
Of course, here you can say: why, after 5 days of dating, will I start thinking about how to live with this partner? And you will be wrong, because, despite the fact that you do not live together now, everyone has a certain way of life, and you need to know it so that disappointment does not overtake you later. To create a strong (those very serious) relationship, you need to know how and how your partner lives. And here's another example. The following situation happened in the relationship between Yulia and Kirill: they were not at all eager to find out each other’s daily routine, they had euphoria - as in the first case with Lida and Sasha. It turned out that one day they went to the theater, another day they rode a bike. This extreme hobby did not bring any pleasure to Yulia, and Kirill went to the theater just to sleep... Yulia is from a family of aristocrats, she is accustomed to cleanliness and order. And Kirill grew up without a father, lived in a dorm with his mother, and instilled the rules good manners She simply didn’t have time for him. We are not talking now about the difference in social strata, because even living in a communal apartment, you can be super clean. And such features of a partner must be known and understood from the very beginning, because otherwise rule number one will work - with all that it implies. Therefore, Yulia and Kirill stayed in a relationship for exactly a month and a half. Then she got tired of the bike, and he watched all the performances at the local theater."Talk to me"
Here, too, many may say: what kind of rule is this? But I hasten to explain its importance. Just talk about fashion, about the weather - that's all with my girlfriends. Now we are learning how to start and build serious relationships, and in order for trust to appear in a relationship, it is necessary to talk, to talk correctly. Believe me, this is very difficult for many, because a person is afraid of relationships, afraid of being misunderstood, not heard, afraid that he may be shamed or offended. Therefore, bare your soul to practically stranger It’s not that simple, and the risks are quite high. In order to talk openly with your loved one, you will have to change your inner world, change lanes, practically—jump with a parachute into the unknown. And this is far from easy, because you don’t know what the reaction will be from the other barricade. And if something goes wrong, it can hurt very deeply. But, unfortunately, there is no other way. The most unpleasant moments in building a serious relationship are when you are pushed away and misunderstood, offended and ignored. You shouldn’t hold on to such relationships, you shouldn’t strive for them. Yes, and it is pointless to fight such people and circumstances - this is an obviously hopeless relationship. If they do this to you, don’t make the situation worse, don’t play with your self-esteem. If a person cares about you, he will show it. And he certainly won’t offend. If you haven't had a serious relationship and you don't know where to start, use these three main rules in building a serious relationship, and you won't have to be disappointed.Name: Ronnie
Hello. I want to tell you about my problem. I'm 19 years old, I don't study, I don't work. I honestly don’t know why I even live. It's all so sad. In my 19 years I have done almost nothing interesting. I am constrained, shy and it is very difficult for me to communicate with people. There are no problems with family and friends. At home I am the life of the party, everyone loves and appreciates me. I have a very kind character and I am noble in everything.
But, but and but. I don’t have a girlfriend and never have. 3-4 dates, that’s my maximum. Why? Maybe because I worry a lot about what to say to a girl and how to kiss her, having no idea how to do it. Every day I go out on the street with the goal of hooking someone, getting acquainted, and every day I don’t do all this... 2-3 times I took a risk, and even took the numbers from all those girls... but somehow meeting them did not work out. I I really like listening to music (I’m a music lover), I study vocals and I really love football. But I know that there’s something damnably missing in this life.
Sometimes listening to music at night I can simply cry... I don’t know what it is... everything seems to be fine with me, my friends say that I have a very beautiful appearance and that they just don’t understand how I still haven’t had a girlfriend, kisses and sex. Some friends say that they even envy my appearance. But what’s the point? Every single day I leave the house with a lot of ideas and prospects... and what do I have? Walking down the street, 2-3 hours of riding on the subway with headphones in my ears... I look at my watch and oops... I have to go home... that's how my day ended... no new things, no relationships... every day I try to change myself, act wrong, but still I end on the same note... I just don't understand what's wrong with me... to be maybe too low self-esteem?! Or am I pretending? But it seems to me that I’m stuck in my imaginary world, where I’ll stay for a long time. Every time I think about starting a relationship, I ask myself: How to kiss her, how to hint at it, how will she react to it? this, won’t he get scared? And I think to myself, life is flowing on, and I still haven’t done anything. Perhaps the transfer to another school in the eighth grade affected me, in which I was humiliated to such an extent that I still can’t move away. Or am I like this in life. I would like to add that I am a hopeless romantic and that in technical school I fell in love with a girl whom I also liked and because of my own stupidity (just messages on VKontakte, no steps in real life, just the word hello) nothing worked out for me. Now I’m just a friend to her. She doesn’t take me seriously and I understand her. How happy I was when she reciprocated my messages to go somewhere... and how stupid I was, how could I, I can't imagine...
I still love her, but I talked to her face to face for no more than two minutes. Now I don’t understand. Am I a coward or is it destined for me... My mood can change in a second, I try not to listen to ballads, it’s influences me badly... I have a dream to become a singer... but I already doubt everything. I would like to add that I suffer from insomnia. I think too much. Thank you all for your attention. I am waiting for answers, if there are any...