Alcoholism is one of the most terrible problems of our time. If a man suffers from this disease, negative consequences always concern his family. Over the years, the woman realizes that the person next to her is no longer the same person, but a personality who is gradually degrading. Alcoholics cannot be interested in family problems, raising children, or providing normal living conditions for their households.
Every woman who is unlucky enough to be the wife of an alcoholic thinks about what to do next. Some are trying to fight for the life of their beloved spouse. But in some cases this turns out to be useless. Alcohol addiction, heavy binges - it is possible that a man in a fit of drunken stupor can hit his wife or child. No one can tolerate physical violence.
The main thing is not to miss the moment when the spouse reaches the stage of alcoholic degradation and ceases to perceive reality normally. Things may not be so bad at first.
It all usually starts with drinking a glass with dinner, and not every day. But a glass of vodka or a bottle of beer every day is already the first stage of the disease. If a man does not receive the usual dose of alcohol, he becomes lethargic and irritable. Petty quarrels over all sorts of trifles can occur in the family.
If appropriate measures are not taken at this point, alcoholism will progress to new stage development. At the second stage, the amount of alcohol consumed increases. This period is also characterized by:
- Binges.
- Severe hangover.
The man is no longer interested in work, hobbies and family, but he stubbornly refuses treatment.
Then the next stage begins, which is accompanied by the development of serious diseases internal organs, mental disorders and leads to inevitable personality degradation. Living with such a person is very dangerous.
A man in the final stages of alcoholism suffers from sudden attacks of rage. It can cause physical harm not only to the spouse, but also to the children.
Moral violence is no less a terrible test than physical violence. The constantly oppressive situation in the family, the inability to share common problems with your spouse - all this greatly undermines nervous system. If you have children, the situation only gets worse. Any child feels that something wrong is happening, sees his mother’s tears and is very worried. This can negatively affect the child's psyche.
Look at loved one, which degrades right before our eyes very hard. The once beloved spouse changes every day, aggravating his situation and destroying family life.
Despite the constant binges, you need to try to explain to your spouse that further drunkenness will completely destroy them life together. But you shouldn’t expect that a man will seriously think about your words and stop drinking every minute. There are such positive stories, but they are a minority.
A person suffering from alcohol addiction very rarely admits that he is sick and in need of help. Alcoholics believe that they can quit their addiction at any time without much difficulty.
Alcohol abuse is the result of dissatisfaction with life. You need to understand that even a man who quit drinking may not get rid of eternal apathy. It will be very difficult to restore normal relations with him. In such a situation, it is better for a woman to gather courage and leave her alcoholic husband. This decision is not easy for many, but it will be the only correct one in the current difficult situation.
First you need to look at the problem from a different point of view. You once loved this man, but he lost your trust and destroyed your normal family life. It turns out that your spouse has lost the chance to win your love again. And you shouldn't feel sorry for him. It is necessary to switch attention to yourself and the child. The man himself made the choice in favor of alcohol, and he can no longer count on it.
Some women are forced to live with an alcoholic husband because they have children together. And this is very strange, because a drunken alcoholic certainly cannot make a normal father.
The man will not be able to submit good example children, but the possibility of harm to their psyche and physical health cannot be ruled out. A child should not be traumatized by the sight of a constantly drunk father.
This is a completely natural question for a woman who has decided to leave her husband, but does not understand how best to do it.
First of all, you need to clarify your relationship with your spouse. Let him know that you were expecting some changes on his part, but you don’t see any other option other than divorce. Here you need to prepare for resistance. A man may beg you to stay and promise that he will definitely stop drinking. But it would be wrong to believe such promises. Alcoholics are very resourceful and will do anything to keep the person from whom they can take money for alcohol.
True, in some cases a man can come to his senses to try to return his beloved wife. You should not answer his calls or agree to meetings. After you return, he may start drinking again. Giving your spouse another chance is pointless.
According to statistics, most women return to their spouses to try to establish a life together. But in the end everything repeats itself from the beginning. After some time, the man goes on a drinking binge again, and the woman realizes that she made a mistake.
Some representatives of the fairer sex simply cannot decide to have a serious conversation or are simply afraid of their alcoholic husband. If the situation reaches a dead end:
- Just pack your things and leave the house while your spouse is away.
- You can leave him a note explaining your departure.
- It is advisable to change your phone number, as someone might be looking for you ex-husband.
Such drastic measures are usually taken by women whose life with an alcoholic becomes a real torment. A man's behavior can cross all boundaries.
There is no need to think for a long time, doubt and waste precious time. A man can even stop drinking for a while, get coded, and undergo treatment. But there is no guarantee that these measures will be enough to completely get rid of alcohol addiction. Is it worth imagining what will happen to you and the children if he breaks down again? Such thoughts usually sober up women and do not allow them to make another mistake about their ex-spouse.
Start a new life
A new life without an alcoholic husband should begin with a new circle of acquaintances. It wouldn’t hurt to visit a special psychological center to calm your nerves and communicate with interesting people– women who have similar problems. It is very important to know that there are people who understand and support you.
In some situations even official divorce cannot free you from constant visits ex-spouse with threats, pleas or scandals. Any woman will feel shame in such a case, but it’s not her who should be ashamed, but the man.
You cannot allow yourself to doubt the correctness of the decision made, because to begin new life you need no ballast, which is your alcoholic ex-husband. It is unacceptable to suffer because of this person, to torture yourself and your children.
If you feel the slightest uncertainty about the decision taken, change your place of residence so that the past no longer invades your life. Don't worry that people will be looking for you forever. It is possible that the man will very soon find a new passion and will ruin her life only.
Women have little faith in their strength, in the fact that they can live without the person they once loved. But you have to believe it. It is necessary to focus on positive aspects new life. Now you can freely communicate with your friends, in front of whom you were previously ashamed. You can also calmly raise and raise a child, meet relatives, relax and work.
Moral liberation from the oppression of a former spouse is the beginning of the path to a new and happy life, where a new wonderful feeling will definitely await you.
Alcoholism is one of the most terrible problems of our time. If a man suffers from this disease, the negative consequences always affect his family. A woman who lives with a drinking man is in chronic stress, especially if she is not inclined to degrade in the same way, that is, if she herself does not drink.
Over the years, the woman realizes that the person next to her is no longer the same person, but a personality who is gradually degrading. And you don’t need to remember how gentle and caring your husband was until he started drinking. What you see in front of you now is a completely different person. Or rather, not even a person, but an animal that has retained only one instinct - to drink in the evening and hangover in the morning. Don't believe the promises of alcoholics. Alcoholics cannot be interested in family problems, raising children, or providing normal living conditions for their households.
Of course, everyday drunkenness cannot always be called alcoholism, but the slightest manifestation of withdrawal symptoms and a sharp change in a person’s drinking of alcoholic beverages should alert one.
You must immediately understand that alcoholism is not a bad habit, as many men and their wives believe, but a serious chronic disease, and like any disease, it requires targeted treatment and a course of rehabilitation, preferably under the supervision of a specialist. And then comes a long and difficult period of trying to forget what alcohol is, where you get it, why you want to drink it.
When the husband is an alcoholic in the family, the wife’s condition is often characterized by a dual experience: on the one hand, the woman understands her need to help her husband, and on the other hand, she begins to think: should she leave her husband or continue to live with him?
Women who remain to live with an alcoholic husband can be divided into the following types:
1) wife is a masochist. Such a woman by nature loves to suffer and suffer. Then it is easier for her to justify her failures in her own eyes. Such a woman will forever search for the answer to the question “What to do if her husband is an alcoholic” and will never part with her rose-colored glasses, will not long admit the fact that her husband is an alcoholic. Until the very end, she will believe that her husband is simply having a bad period in his life.
2) the wife is a slave. She endures everything unquestioningly: drinking, insults, sometimes even beatings. With such a wife there is no need to correct herself; she will endure everything.
3) wife is a sister of mercy. She will suffer all her life, but live with her husband out of a sense of duty, trying to the last to help the person. After all, such a woman believes that only she is a restraining factor for her husband, and if she leaves him, he will go to the very bottom. Sometimes such wives even start drinking with their husbands “for company,” and then they can’t stop.
4) indifferent wife. She has already come to terms with her husband's condition. They are united only by the past and children. She lives on her own, he on his own. From this, the man begins to drink even more, finding some semblance of mutual understanding in the company of drinking buddies.
5) wife is a tyrant. She suppresses, imposes her will. To do this, he uses the entire arsenal of methods: scandals, silence, cold glances, ridicule, irony, criticism. A man next to such a woman begins to drink himself. The company of drinking buddies becomes a place where the husband can at least temporarily feel like a man.
Tips on how to live with an alcoholic husband for women who decide to stay with him:
First, you should think about why a man drinks. After all, not every drunkard husband becomes like this overnight. Dig into possible reasons: genes, work, friends or something else. More often, explanations for the reasons are found in the outside world. It is very rare that women begin to look for reasons... in themselves. This approach is completely opposite to the traditional understanding of the essence of the issue, when it is required to prove that the husband drinks. Of course, not a single wife of an alcoholic wanted to see her husband drinking; each one tries to be the best wife in the world. And therefore, rarely does anyone admit that it was she who attracted the drunkard to her or made him like this through her own behavior.
If a person himself refuses to admit that he is an alcoholic and that he is personally responsible for his behavior, then there is no point in thinking about how to prove it to him. And even more so, you shouldn’t fight a drunk, constantly controlling his behavior. Fighting will only make the situation worse. Be bolder and admit responsibility for yourself: not in the fact that you are guilty and cannot prove to your husband that he behaves antisocially, but in how such a person can be present nearby.
Feelings of responsibility and guilt are not the same thing. This does not mean at all that you need to immediately start blaming yourself for what is happening, admitting your responsibility. Often, wives of alcoholics cannot even imagine that a woman does not love herself so much and does not accept herself in a global sense that this thereby causes aggression on a subconscious level.
If you intend to save your family, but at the same time you no longer have the strength to tolerate your husband’s drunkenness, try to imagine his illness in a different light. Alcohol only helps him soften the wounds in his sick soul. Therefore, not just any remedy will do. Try to rephrase the essence of things for yourself: it is a traumatized soul that needs to be treated, and not the consequence of this trauma - alcoholism. Think about what emotional state a husband replaces when drinking alcohol? What he lacks: manifestations of his leadership qualities, signs of attention, courage or affection. Analyze how you can give it to him psychological state, what he was looking for, but without drinking alcohol. If necessary, you can resort to the help of a family psychologist.
It makes no sense to talk to an addicted spouse if he came home in a state of intoxication, since he probably will not understand the meaning of the words addressed to him.
A person is not responsible for his actions and emotions, being in a state of altered consciousness under the influence of psychoactive substances. A person’s behavior is unpredictable when he’s drunk, so it’s better not to provoke him again. A drunk person doesn’t care who is standing in front of him: his wife or someone else, a conversation with a drunk person can end before it even begins.
Some wives try to start a conversation the next day when the drunk has a hangover. It should not be forgotten that at such a moment he becomes physically and morally ill, because he begins to feel guilty. This conversation can lead to the most unpredictable consequences.
Some begin to behave aggressively and attack the interlocutor in order to muffle the feeling of guilt that arises. Others become “silky” and are ready to agree with everything they are told. And every time the codependent relative believes the promises given. Although they are performed very rarely, when given in a hangover situation, or even completely forgotten.
It is not difficult to understand how sincere the husband is in his confession and desire to be treated. Demanding from him a promise to “come to his senses”, “think about behavior”, “quit”, you should not even think about the veracity of his words. It’s better to visit a narcologist without delay. And when the addict has many excuses, or he asks to reschedule the visit, or declares that he will develop willpower, it means that his confession was most likely a trick so that his loved ones would leave him alone for a while.
Recognition is not so easy to achieve; usually the addict tries to avoid talking about the problem he has. Denying her existence, he does everything to avoid a showdown.
You should not label a drinker, nor should you evaluate his actions or scold him. This tactic does not work with alcoholics, because the alcohol abuser takes psychoactive substances not for the purpose of making the lives of loved ones worse, but because he is dependent on them and cannot do without them.
It’s better to demonstrate your feelings in a conversation, that you are scared when you wait at night, for example. Or mention that you love your spouse and you care what happens to him next.
It is necessary to reach out to those remnants of common sense that he may still have. It is important to find out from the husband what he himself thinks about the whole situation, how much he understands that he needs treatment and the degree of his readiness to accept the offered help from his relatives.
If the situation has escalated to such an extent that you have to present ultimatums to your drinking spouse, be prepared for the fact that you will have to make them a reality. If you promise not to let your husband come home drunk, you should not open the door under any circumstances, even if you feel inconvenienced in front of your neighbors. If you are not ready to fulfill these requirements, then it is better not to declare them. If one day you fail to fulfill them, and even from the first violation, then your authority in the eyes of your drinking relative will be lost forever. You need to be extremely honest with a patient with alcoholism, since any game or lie contributes to his antisocial behavior.
But not everyone has the patience. And many wives decide to break with this life situation.
How to leave your alcoholic husband.
This is a completely natural question for a woman who has decided to leave her husband, but does not understand how best to do it. First of all, you need to clarify your relationship with your spouse. Let him know that you were expecting some changes on his part, but you don’t see any other option other than divorce. Here you need to prepare for resistance.
A man may beg you to stay and promise that he will definitely stop drinking. But it would be wrong to believe such promises. Alcoholics are very resourceful and will do anything to keep the person from whom they can take money for alcohol. True, in some cases a man can come to his senses to try to return his beloved wife. You should not answer his calls or agree to meetings. After you return, he may start drinking again. Giving your spouse another chance is pointless.
According to statistics, most women return to their spouses to try to establish a life together. But in the end everything repeats itself from the beginning. After some time, the man goes on a drinking binge again, and the woman realizes that she made a mistake. Some representatives of the fairer sex simply cannot decide to have a serious conversation or are simply afraid of their alcoholic husband.
If the situation reaches a dead end: Just pack your things and leave the house while your spouse is away. You can leave him a note explaining your departure. It is advisable to change your phone number, as your ex-husband may be looking for you. Such drastic measures are usually taken by women whose life with an alcoholic becomes a real torment. A man's behavior can cross all boundaries. There is no need to think for a long time, doubt and waste precious time. A man can even stop drinking for a while, get coded, and undergo treatment. But there is no guarantee that these measures will be enough to completely get rid of alcohol addiction. Is it worth imagining what will happen to you and the children if he breaks down again? Such thoughts usually sober up women and do not allow them to make another mistake about their ex-spouse.
A new life without an alcoholic husband should begin with a new circle of acquaintances. It wouldn’t hurt to visit a special psychological center to calm your nerves and communicate with interesting people - women who have similar problems. It is very important to know that there are people who understand and support you.
You cannot allow yourself to doubt the correctness of the decision made, because you need to start a new life without ballast, which is your alcoholic ex-husband. It is unacceptable to suffer because of this person, to torture yourself and your children. If you feel the slightest uncertainty about your decision, change your place of residence so that the past no longer invades your life. Don't worry that people will be looking for you forever. It is possible that the man will very soon find a new passion and will ruin her life only.
Women have little faith in their strength, in the fact that they can live without the person they once loved. But you have to believe it. It is necessary to focus on the positive aspects of the new life. Now you can freely communicate with your friends, in front of whom you were previously ashamed. You can also calmly raise and raise a child, meet relatives, relax and work. Moral liberation from the oppression of your ex-spouse is the beginning of the path to a new and happy life, where a new wonderful feeling will definitely await you.
Hello! Thanks for useful information on your website. Please help me understand my problem. I am 31 years old, married, with a 2 year old child. In our family, the same situation repeats itself over and over again. My husband has stage 2 alcoholism (diagnosed by a narcologist-psychiatrist). When he starts drinking, I take the child and we go to my mother. During our absence, he falls into different stories(problems with the police, loss of things and work, etc.). Then he starts calling, asks to come back, and we return, says that his mind is very bad without me and the child, he goes to a narcologist, but the treatment does not go to the end, he does not drink for half a year, and during this time he shows his best side - he gives gifts, takes care of the family. Then he begins to have a breakdown, he tries to drink in moderation, but he doesn’t succeed and, apparently, won’t succeed. Now my child and I live with my mother and are trying to get out of this “Karpman triangle”. I don’t call him anymore, I don’t save him, I don’t control him like I did before. The husband again says that he is going to undergo treatment and asks if we will return to him. I don’t know what to do, how to get out of this vicious circle, I’m tired of such ups and downs, it’s like living on a powder keg. I understand that I have codependency. Is it possible to set a condition for him that we will return only on the condition that he completes the treatment? I told him that it was his choice - either family or a bottle. I made my choice - drinking husband I don’t need him anymore, I need a healthy and adequate husband. But even if he chooses a family, there is no guarantee that he will not start drinking again. How to get out of this whole nightmare?
Thank you.
Answer from theSolution psychologist:
Read about the game "Alcoholic"
If you read Berne's book, Games People Play, you will see that the Alcoholic game falls into the category of games of life. The causes of alcoholism vary. Sometimes a person drinks alcohol to relieve symptoms. Sometimes this is a way to avoid solving problems and avoid responsibility for your life. Running away from responsibility, looking for dubious adventures and getting into unpleasant stories is part of the subconscious script of life.
Alcoholics are destructive narcissists
The personality of an alcoholic most often represents a person suffering from destructive narcissism. Unlike in which a person treats people like goods in a store, destructive narcissists destroy the lives of not only themselves, but also all the people around them. Alcoholics have a pathological attitude in their subconscious - “don’t live”, therefore self-destructive behavior is a natural consequence of early childhood decisions regarding their lives.
Children copy their parents' behavior
Children of alcoholics suffer the worst. The problem is that alcoholics act out the Karpman triangle pattern cyclically, involving loved ones in unhealthy and unpredictable forms of communication. Such psychological experience is unnecessary and harmful for the child. According to the laws of psychology, children learn by copying their parents' behavior patterns. Thus, if you continue to be in an unhealthy relationship, this will be the relationship pattern that the child will copy. Moreover, the son will copy the role behavior of the father, and the daughter will copy the role behavior of the mother.
Divorcing an alcoholic does not allow children to copy the pathological script
Tagged14 thoughts on “ Should I leave my alcoholic husband or return to him again?”
- Evgenia
Addiction is something that cannot be dealt with alone. Find the address of your nearest AA group on the Internet and urge him to attend meetings. Alcoholism can be put into long-term (lifelong) remission only if you work in AA according to the 12-step program. And there are Al-Anon groups for you.
- Hope
Maria, thank you for your answer.
- Xenia
Can’t a son copy his mother’s behavior and seek codependent relationships?
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Children copy the behavioral and cognitive patterns of their parents. Therefore, it is important for parents with neuroses to work on themselves in order to reduce the influence of neurotic factors on the development of their children. As for the model of family building, boys copy the role behavior of their father, even if they saw the suffering this brings to their mother. Copying occurs on an unconscious level. Divorce in such situations is a communicative signal to the son’s unconscious that copying such a model will lead to the destruction of the family. Maintaining an unhealthy relationship for the sake of “social image” gives a different communication signal to the subconscious. Children regard this as a signal that alcoholism and irresponsible behavior in the family are “acceptable.” The sons of alcoholics choose kind, caring women who are prone to excessive responsibility as partners. This tendency to be overly responsible for others is a component of codependency. Another, complementary component of codependency is the complete irresponsibility and deceit of the second partner.
- Xenia
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