Ideal relationship between husband and wife. Psychology of relations between husband and wife.

19.01.2019

The psychology of relations between husband and wife is a fairly popular topic. Only the queries “how to get your husband back”, “husband cheating”, “quarrels in relationships” total hundreds of thousands. Most often, women try to improve family relationships on their own using the Internet. There are many ways: get help from a psychologist online, participate in a webinar, take the course “Psychology of relations between husband and wife.”

But often only one side is active in this matter, hoping that the acquired knowledge and experience will help change the husband and convince him to behave differently. How many years have you been trying to change him or her? It turns out? Find any person in your environment whom you are not trying to reshape in your own way, and you have normal human relationships. Why not build a family based on the same principle - accepting a person as he is?

There are different types of psychology of relations between husband and wife:

Rivalry. In public, one of the spouses tries to present himself in the best light,
Revenge or evil. Everything is clear here without explanation. Answer the first thing that comes to your mind: “What is the motive “for evil!” did you do to your husband/wife?” But this is not even the main thing, but for what purpose did you commit the act? What does this give you? Feeling of superiority, assertion of one's own self? To do this, did you have to get married or get married?..
Relationships of control and accountability,
Jealousy,
Constant humiliation and insults, playing executioner and victim,
A game of silence, so as not to disturb the family idyll with quarrels. To remain silent about what you are dissatisfied with, what you don’t like, or what has touched a nerve - the cup of patience has never been bottomless. And then “out of nowhere” there appears hostility towards the other half, hatred, reluctance to be in the same space,
Finding a protector in your husband
For social authority. After all, if you don’t start a family at 40, people will laugh. Well, if you don’t feel like getting married or getting married, what’s criminal about that? And people, by the way, can laugh for any reason, which free man that of a respectable family man.

As you can see, love and mutual respect are far from true. What to do? First, understand for yourself what family roles are. You may object that, supposedly, at the peak of passion, when hormones are off the charts, what kind of roles are we talking about? Your truth. And it is also that the divorce rate every year also exceeds all acceptable values. Although there are young couples who have equal parts love and prudence, and in addition an understanding that there will be more responsibility and care for the other person. And not a la endless honeymoon, and almost everything goes wrong - insults, accusations, insults and divorce. The psychology of the relationship between husband and wife is daily work to create a prosperous family and, as an integral part of this, work on oneself.

There are several simple rules in the psychology of a good relationship between husband and wife.

I agree that fulfilling them is not always easy, but if family is important to you, then what are we talking about:

Be sincere with each other. Say immediately what you don’t like, but not in the form of a complaint, but starting with the words “I don’t like”, “I don’t want”, “I don’t agree”. Any dissatisfaction with life begins with oneself - and ends there, by the way. Explain what you don’t like about your husband, the situation that happened and why? Often, when spouses speak out right away, the conversation proceeds calmly, without a raised tone. And what’s most interesting: in a conversation, the showdown gradually becomes boring,
Allow your partner to maintain personal space. If a wife wants to read a book alone or a husband goes fishing by himself, this is everyone’s right to free time and space. Don't force yourself.
Find common interests and hobbies. If in a routine schedule of home-work-home each spouse is on their own, and at home they only spend the night and eat, very soon one of them will think about finding a “soul mate.” And help each other in joint activities: pour tea, help with cleaning or preparing dinner, packing for vacation, caring for children and parents, whatever. It happens that in difficult circumstances, family relationships are saved only by mutual help and love,
Be yourself and don't neglect your personal interests. If you like to spend your free time at home, and he likes to spend his free time in nature, you don’t have to step on your own throat and pretend that you want to go out of town. The psychology of relations between husband and wife is based on one golden rule - everything (!) can be agreed upon. If there is love in the family, then you can find a way out for both one preference and another,
The relationship between husband and wife is not about being perfect for each other. People come together to live in comfort, first of all, spiritual comfort. Instead of putting on makeup early in the morning or being perfectly shaved,
Say “thank you.” More often, for any daily little things. This simple word carries a positive assessment of the partner and confirmation of his/her care and love,
In a relationship, accept your husband or wife as they are. Don't break a person - he/she is not made of iron. Besides, you're not perfect either. And you probably rear up when someone tries to brush your hair with someone else’s comb,
And most importantly, make sure that you love not only your partner, but also yourself. Games of self-sacrifice will not last long. He who loves himself always looks at his surroundings with love. Otherwise, the phrases “you ruined my whole life!”, “I put so much effort into you!”, “yes, I’m everything to you, and you!” are just around the corner! “You must love yourself without thinking about whether you deserve love or not. You are alive - and that is proof enough that you deserve love, just as you deserve to breathe. You're not asking whether you deserve the right to breathe or not. Love is almost invisible nourishment for the soul, just as food is nourishment for the body. And if you are filled with self-love, then you will be able to love others.” Osho.

No matter how ideal your family relationships are, no matter how much you love, sooner or later you begin to think that everything is falling apart. But don’t start giving up, because all this is just a turning point in your couple that needs to be overcome. In this article we will look at psychology family relations wives and husbands whose crises have their own characteristics.

Signs of a crisis in family relationships

Conflicts between spouses occur out of nowhere
During a dispute they cannot come to general decision, everyone “pulls the blanket over themselves”
Spouses blame each other for all problems and try to impose their opinions
Sex in family life completely absent due to the reluctance of one of the partners and constant excuses from him.
A man tries to solve all the problems himself, without informing his other half, or, on the contrary, he does not delve into family problems, blaming everything on his wife’s shoulders.
The spouse stops taking care of herself, her appearance and just goes into everyday life.
The man plunges headlong into his work.

Crisis in family relationships by year

All parts of the crisis have a certain time period, but you shouldn’t give up, it’s important to just figure it out and get through it. Let's look at four crises in family relationships.

The first crisis begins at the very beginning of family life. At this stage, the husband and wife are just getting used to their other half, getting to know her from all sides. If the love is real, then the spouses will calmly experience it and immediately forget it.
The next crisis moment is associated with the birth of the first child, which usually happens within three years. Psychologists call it the crisis of the firstborn. A young mother throws herself into raising a child, and the man feels the lack of her attention and affection. Here it is very important to gather and remember about your loved one, then the crisis will be survived.
After the baby is born, the time comes when the woman goes to work. Now she must work and at the same time manage to create home comfort and raise a child. Don't forget to pay attention to your appearance. Here comes another crisis in family relationships, which is called return. The woman has been sitting at home for so long and now she wants new experiences. Men, be very attentive to your beloved in order to prevent an irreparable mistake - for example, cheating on the part of your wife.

Now home comfort, intimate relationships, communication and work have been established, the time comes when a crisis occurs in family relationships new form. It is also called the crisis of monotony. The couple are already tired of each other. This is when most divorces occur. As a rule, it is women who want this. Men, seeing the indifference of their woman, find themselves a mistress. To survive this crisis, you need to give up monotony. If you calmly survived past crises, then this one will not be so easy to survive. It comes at a time when the age of the spouses reaches forty years. A woman is approaching menopause. Stagnation begins in the emotional and sexual spheres. There are statistics that fifty percent of men of this age create new family. In order to save the family, you need to re-ignite the flame that burned between you earlier.

You can easily survive a crisis in all these types of family relationships, the main thing is that you love each other.

Many girls when getting married, they draw pictures beautiful life in my imagination, something like this: after a few years of marriage, the husband will make a career or create a business, they will have children, the husband will carry her in his arms and will be grateful to her all his life. But in reality it turns out differently. In just a few months living together wives begin to complain that her husband turned out to be greedy, is not at all interested in her life and she does not even have the desire to talk to him. The “weather” in the house worsens many times if a child is born in the family. After all, the birth of a child strengthens a family only when love and mutual understanding reign between spouses. Where there are no deep feelings, a child will not be able to save him from divorce. With the birth of a child in such families, relationships become even more strained.

Before consider problem of strengthening the family, I want to tell you a Polish parable: “In one small town there lived a teacher - an old sage. One day he saw how his student caught a lot of fish, boiled it and now eats it with appetite. The sage asked his student: “Why did you give yourself there's so much fish on the plate?" He replied: "I love fish!" The teacher shook his head and said: "If you loved fish, you would have left it in the water. And here I see that you love yourself and your belly. There is no need to talk about love for fish when you enjoy eating it." This is the problem with relationships in many families. The love that many spouses talk about is not love at all. More precisely, love, but not for the spouse, but for oneself yourself. Real, true and eternal love to yourself. Often this love knows no boundaries and becomes the reason for the collapse of a family.

From the very birth the girl dreams of marrying a “prince” who will provide her with a happy and rich life. And she represents all this. In fact, a marriage with such an attitude is doomed to family life in advance, because it is like a trade agreement: I give you - you give me. Anyone who truly loves, every minute thinks only about how to make his spouse happy. He doesn't care whether he's a "prince" or ordinary person. The main thing is that he begins to live better nearby with her.

We don't we're going accuse all girls of selfishness and inability to love. Nobody taught them to think differently from childhood. Everyone around them talked about love, but no one explained how it should manifest itself. So girls mistake “love for fish” for real feelings, and after marriage the romantic veil quickly falls from their eyes and bitter disappointment sets in. The price to pay for this mistake is a long family life, when two strangers are forced to live under the same roof. You can get out of this impasse only by filing for divorce, which many spouses do not dare to do so as not to cause severe trauma to the child or for fear of losing what they have acquired over the years of marriage.

Family- this is a lot of work. Therefore, you need to marry the person you are ready to accept as he is and try to make him better during your life together. Only the one in whom we invest strength and effort becomes dearer and more beloved to us every day. There is no need to prove this truth. After all, every mother loves her children no matter what, even if they cause her a lot of trouble and trouble. Therefore, in order to truly love your husband, you need to start taking care of him. Of course, not in the sense of wiping his nose and changing his pants like a child. Just understand him, imagine him as your “child”, start investing your strength, knowledge and resources so that he achieves success. Every person loves, first of all, himself, and only those who are the creation of our hands or the result of our labor become dear and beloved to us, because they merge with us and become part of us.

Only sacrificing By herself for the sake of her beloved man, a woman experiences feelings of affection, devotion and respect for him. Only these feelings can give a feeling of joy in family life. This is exactly how wives treat their husbands in real families, where spouses live happily ever after. They enjoy the fact that her husband enjoys her attention and care for him. Happy married women are those who know how to give more than they receive.

Of course here each a woman has the right to be indignant and say: “Suppose, with tomorrow I will take on all the household responsibilities - I will cook delicious food every day, keep the house clean and tidy, take care of the child, buy groceries, pay the rent, wash, iron and also go to work. I will give and give, but what in return?" But your goal should now be formulated a little differently. After all, the desire to get something in return is also consumption. Learn to give just to please yourself. Look at your husband from the other side , remember why you liked him before the wedding? Then build communication with him, taking into account those positive traits of his character for which you chose him as your life partner. Try to develop these. positive traits and then those shortcomings that irritate you now will become invisible. Your husband will definitely feel how you have changed in better side and this will certainly affect not only your relationship with him, but also his desire to better take care of his family and make your life happy.

Not worth it forget about the fact that every man starts a family, hoping that his wife will surround him with love and attention, and to make their hope come true, not much is needed.

Overcome be lazy and start working equally with your husband. There is no need to wait for someone to provide you with a decent life; look for ways out of the current situation yourself and offer your husband ideas that will help him achieve good success. If you think that you are just a weak and helpless woman, then you should not demand from your husband that he “conquer the peaks” and provide better for the family.

Table of contents of the topic “Problems of modern man”:

Modern marriages are increasingly ending in divorce. This is due not only to economic progress, thanks to which the family has ceased to be a way of survival: a girl can provide for herself, and a man can arrange his personal life. Having children out of wedlock or single-parent families is no longer frowned upon by society, and the divorce procedure is easier than ever. Therefore, the psychology of family relationships as a science that examines family problems, as well as ways to preserve it, has become especially relevant.

Stages of development of family relationships between husband and wife

Family relationships are not a static state, but a continuously developing process. Crises and conflicts are as much a part of it as love or respect. Any development is unthinkable without abandoning old forms and rules, so spouses need to be ready for change. Any couple goes through several stages of a relationship, each of which lasts several months or years:

Falling in love or the “candy-bouquet” period. This is the time when a man and a woman try to conquer each other and, under the influence of passion, tend to idealize and have high expectations for family life. The shortcomings of the other half are either not noticed at all or are perceived biasedly. Essential Role assigned to external data, behavior, and social status of the partner.
Getting used to it or getting used to it. The couple has already been living together for some time, and everyone’s priorities, life values and interests come to the fore. Inconsistencies in these matters put two people in a position of opposition; quarrels and conflicts are a frequent companion in relationships. If a man or woman is unable to accept and understand each other, divorce is inevitable.
Compromises. If the couple has successfully overcome the previous stage, the time has come for stable family relationships. This does not always guarantee satisfaction for both partners, because... a compromise is reached in the family in different ways(equality, submission, humility, pressure, etc.) - each spouse chooses and plays his role, which suits everyone to one degree or another.
Ordinary and routine. Gradually, family relationships lose passion and become predictable. Boredom in communication is just as dangerous as an explosion of emotions in the previous ones. Spouses get tired of each other, lose the point of continuing family relationships, and begin to look for adventures on the side.
Mature family. If a man and woman have successfully overcome the first 4 levels, the time comes for conscious family relationships, which are not always based on love. Often, the cement of such relationships is mutual respect, experience of overcoming difficulties together, common interests (including material ones), as well as fear of loneliness.

Crises in the family

A crisis in family life is an inevitable transition to a new stage of relationships. There is no need to be afraid of this, but it is worth preparing, learning to make concessions and taking responsibility if you have the goal of saving your family. Experts identify several periods of family relationships:

The first year of family life - the formation and establishment of internal and external boundaries of the family, the grinding in of the characters and habits of men and women.
From the 3rd to the 5th year - as a rule, at this time the first child appears, the housing issue is resolved, and joint expensive property is acquired. There is a redistribution of roles (spouses-parents), new responsibilities and new responsibilities appear. Falling in love develops into friendship or habit.
From the 7th to the 9th year, the children grew up, everything “settled down.” There appears fatigue from each other, satiety in sex and joint habits, a sense of routine in everyday life and communication, disappointment in expectations that were not realized.
From the 15th to the 20th year - children grow up and separate from the parental family, their career reaches a certain peak. There is a feeling that everything has been achieved, it is unclear where to move next. This period often coincides with a midlife crisis in a man or woman (40 years old), which also gives rise to uncertainty in future relationships.

Adultery (Why do spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of a family relationship. Occasionally, the reason for a man’s drinking spree becomes banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to get pleasure “here and now” exceeds the sense of family duty to his wife). However, much more often, factors such as:

sexual dissatisfaction or boredom in bed;
lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one’s attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
lack of spiritual intimacy, mental loneliness, when “there is no one to talk to”;
violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
tense family situation, need for psychological release, need to relieve stress;
need for protection: the family is not a support system, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives everything he needs in a family relationship (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and mental rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is able to forgive betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

How to build trusting relationships?

A strong family is always the work of a man and a woman, because in order to build trusting, close relationships and maintain a marriage for many years, love alone is not enough. Respect and the ability to compromise are the main keys to family happiness. Another secret of the psychology of happy relationships - you shouldn’t try to avoid family quarrels, because this is almost unrealistic, it is better to learn how to properly resolve conflicts that arise. Experts in the psychology of family relationships offer the following advice for those who want to save their family:

show your love as often as possible (if not in words, then in actions);
do not try to change your other half - this is pressure that sooner or later will be met with hostility;
do not compare your spouse with anyone - each person is individual;
don’t be silent about the problems that concern you (your significant other, most likely, has no idea what’s in your head, and playing the silent game is a dead end).

If it comes to a quarrel, psychology experts advise remembering:

there is no need to generalize and recall old grievances;
say only what you intended to say (be specific);
restrain your emotions (an offensive word spoken in the heat of the moment is remembered for a long time);
know how to forgive.

Video: Why does conflict arise in marriage?

Understanding Psychology family conflict- the first step towards its resolution. After watching this video, you will learn about the psychological reasons for difficulties in the family. The point of view and advice of experts will tell you how to understand your partner during a period of crisis, what to do to successfully overcome conflicts in family relationships.

The family model, the system of relationships, the psychology of relationships between husband and wife, children and parents in one way or another reflect the principles of relationships between people accepted in a particular society. The rules that guided people when creating a family in the past and those that influence the choice of a couple in our time seem incompatible.

Today, when choosing a marriage partner, people strive to to a greater extent than before, to understanding, love, experiencing common joys and interests. Children become not only heirs and a guarantee material well-being for elderly parents. The family associates the birth of a baby with the desire for happiness and development.

Covers a wide range of topics:

marital problems;
parent-child relationships;
relationships between generations.

Psychologists in this area are engaged in consultations and correction of relationships, diagnostics and determination of the direction of family development, and study intrafamily relationships from the perspective of their influence on personality development.

The psychology of family relationships covers a wide area of issues

Knowledge of certain patterns helps the practical psychology of family relationships in working with specific married couples.

The most common problems in the psychology of relationships between husband and wife

Even quite prosperous families face problems that require professional psychological assistance. Oddly enough, these may be situations related to the desire to protect loved ones and help them. This results in overprotection, obsession, and excessive control in relation to relatives.

Even quite prosperous families face problems

Conflict situations can also be generated by a discrepancy between one’s own views on family relationships and the demands made by society.

Dysfunctional families can be roughly divided as follows:

conflict;
crisis;
problematic.

In the event of a clash of interests, needs, intentions of husband and wife or children and parents (conflict family), intrafamily relationships are characterized by strong and prolonged severe emotional states. Concessions and compromise solutions, as well as professional consultations on the psychology of family relationships, make it possible to preserve a marriage for a long time and normalize the internal climate of the microsociety.

Be sure to read

Psychology of relations between husband and wife

Particularly difficult life circumstances that affect the existence of a family and can destroy a marriage give rise to so-called problem families. This could be a long-term serious illness of someone close, insufficient financial situation of the family, or even the conviction of a family member for a crime.

A common cause of problems is lack of housing. A key sign of the possibility of building strong relationships or solving existing problems is the internal readiness of family members to jointly solve problems and coordinated actions.

Such family cohesion is facilitated by the presence of common interests and the directed efforts of the family leader.

The study of the psychology of relations between husband and wife made it possible to identify factors that cause the main difficulties in family life:

Choosing a future spouse.
The nature of premarital relationships.
Features of making the decision to start a family.

The combination of these circumstances has a significant impact on the possibility of mutual understanding between spouses, the strength of the family and the likelihood of its disintegration.