Funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. Pride does not allow asking for forgiveness. I am convinced that the truth is in him.
Excuses: “Something came up”, “Damn confused me” and the like.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
We are obsessed with the idea of purchasing. A purposeful avenger, he always calculates the trajectory of the strike to be sure.
Excuses: "You are worthy of such a fate".
Geminis are a careless bastard.
Loves games, jokes, fun companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, receptivity, he is always an “angel-like creature” who innocently suffered, while his opponent is a monster in “devilish guise”, even if Cancer himself is a champion in nastiness and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how unfairly you treated him.
Excuses: “It’s your fault that I’m like this!”
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown is pressing, the greatness of the world is being distorted. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, the others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: “I wanted it that way.”
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, he paints his portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah, and don’t let you be careless in speaking unsatisfactorily and unfavorably about her. He may wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphantly “Do you remember...”
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos get out of sticky situations. A real politician, pursuing his own interests, will promise, lie, or slander if necessary.
Excuses: none. Nacoyotil and disappeared.
Scorpio is a first-class bastard.
Those who like to create a veil of mystery around themselves such that they themselves become entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for the ideal clouds their mind, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If, from their point of view, you have violated some rules, you must be punished.
Excuses: none.
Sagittarius is a cantankerous bastard.
A very complex creature, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and, quite successfully, in this matter. Tram squabbles, market squabbles, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can relieve your soul - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a clueless bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, with its horns resting “in anywhere”, does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will resolve itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did this happen?”
Excuses: “It happened that way.”
IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I STANDED UPON THIS FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF... BUT SO MUCH THINGS COINCIDE...?!
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE THIS SHOULD BE AMAZING TO YOU?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as an engaging, energetic personality, endowed with the charisma of a born leader and revolutionary. He rapidly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that he is an overbearing, self-centered bastard, interested only in himself and with an inflated ego.
In Aries, Mars gives a person courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as hot temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in their way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are unlucky and fall under his feet, you will fully experience for yourself what an irritated Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even throw his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all he is afraid of being considered ignoble!
He is hurt by the condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take painful revenge. Although by nature he is not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason in detail, he simply reacts to stimuli, he first acts and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think...
Without an iota of humility, he never admits his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a barrage of screams and insults will fall on you; if you prove that you are right, he will be offended like a child and go away to sulk in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do it, they are more attracted to moving objects... They especially adore cars.
What is characteristic is that they are selfless in love...
TAURUS. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eater, thrifty homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of ruling the World.
But in real life you will have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with weight problems.
When you hear the word Taurus or bull, people’s imaginations conjure up an image of a large animal peacefully chewing grass, blinking its large shiny eyes with satisfaction. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves in his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever Taurus you interact with, be it a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His rage is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will instantly regret that bullfighting was abolished in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw protrudes forward at least a little, they subconsciously bow their heads and look at you from under their brows, just like a bull before an attack...
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, which gives it insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always small, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not to the fullest... They are emotional, but not intellectual, and from childhood they take advantage of hard work and diligence. They don’t know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they learn something, it’s for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or give it up halfway... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist... They love to sit at all kinds of meetings, sessions, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, so neither logic nor reasonable arguments work on them. If you start arguing with him, you will feel like you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. His great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature and are prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to weight and therefore sometimes allow themselves harsh behavior, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, like to be late... Usually very good parents, but they like to spoil their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Geminis are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a lot of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to Gemini is like getting a job in a madhouse; surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but cunning, cunning and resourceful, rather talkers than philosophers. They think quickly and strangely, the main goal in their life is to become famous and, in turn, meet all the celebrities around them.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where famous audiences gather and talk about high things... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, the fast god who has wings on his sandals! He transports them from one place to another with lightning speed, and the element air is impermanence itself.
It is impossible to convince a Gemini; they are very stubborn, but they pass off their stubbornness as breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but seem to glide along the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, but they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, they are attracted to new people by their freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly enchanted, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but can be consoled in a quarter of an hour by seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have an excellent sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and begin to copy her, because they have two faces, they are constantly in change...
Envy, passion for gossip and intrigue, constant changes in mood and point of view... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they can especially cause a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios... But people fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more worthy than them... it’s just that these victims fell into the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them such satisfaction as, for example, good music, declaration of love, poetry, walk in the forest.
CANCER. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of domestic, private life. Compliant astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, is caring, and is completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery creatures, prone to manipulating people and, in turn, demanding absolute devotion from loved ones.
All Water signs are sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is simply the champion of emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily; the mood of Cancer is the ebb and flow of the tides, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can easily be rude, insult, and is very often ready to cheat, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is capable of joking, laughing and getting angry, or being offended and crying at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine...
He has several points of view on the same question and all of them, by the way, are correct; he is not at all stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even shudder, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers don't reason, they get offended...
Weepy.
Forcing Cancer to look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he has lost, do not extend your hand to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves old things, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a bit of a seer in the eyes of other people, wonderful parents, but dubious partners... Especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and those around them often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely noticeable 
s in society, usually these are quiet mothers of families or mediocre officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer gets a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole to illegally increase his salary. They love to work where there is a smell of money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are people proud, confident, fun-loving, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely, these books were written by the astrologer Leo. 
In fact, Leos always crave to be in the center of attention, power fanatics of their own “I”, whose immaturity and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to control others.
Leo is ruled by the Sun, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers itself the center around which everything should revolve. Of course, they crave obvious worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider it the main thing in everything.
Leos are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky, or crafty quiet ones with a sense of self-esteem.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for a while, but don’t be deceived, there are no shy and shy Leos in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them moody, and when they lose touch with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially as they age, believing that their whole life is a vale of misery. In fact, they roar and cause suffering to others without the slightest embarrassment. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they torment them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will fall silent, stare at you and go into the shadows, pondering the next attack.
Leos make the most devoted mama's boys. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it for the rest of their lives.
Lionesses make fanatical mothers who take great pleasure in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully portray Virgo as a modest, practical, sweet person, logical, discerning and meticulous. 
However, if you take a closer look, you will find a restless, fussy, petty, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments, a critic and a hypocrite.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Geminis, but they stand too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors and dispense unsolicited advice with the gravity of an elementary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they completely ignore their character, which cannot be called pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All Virgo’s fantasies and dreams have an absolutely practical purpose, Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that she just got a larger piece the other day.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even Horns and Hooves, and calmly have their piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all, they fear for their health, therefore, no matter what, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking; they do not tell anyone, not even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to pull chestnuts out of the fire with someone else’s hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; she has long ago calculated the dividends for herself.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything has a depressing effect on Virgo.
Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easy to recognize by appearance, always neatly dressed and combed. Men often get married very late or even remain single, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men enjoy doing housework.
This sign, both in the Zodiac and in life, embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they claim that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strives for peace, that they spend their entire lives looking for truth, beauty and the perfect life partner.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, hide those who like to pamper themselves, their Beloved, people who indulge only their own whims in everything, their ears are tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and greatness in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that it gives a person an endless thirst for improvement. They definitely need to be the first, they are never satisfied, neither with themselves nor with their partner.
As one of the domineering cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal insult.
They get angry even if you just change the TV to another channel.
According to Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective and not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras necessarily have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women it’s either weight, or height, or not-too-smooth skin; for men it’s even worse; even a beautiful wife won’t help him stop being tormented by the fact that someone else might be better...
Libras get married only by calculation; if the calculation turns out to be wrong, they often do not muster the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nagging, sometimes destroying him as a person.
At heart they are cowards and shouting is enough for them, but they are offended for life... They are geniuses in love and very often have affairs with married people, because to take someone away from them, what could be more pleasant? You don’t have to ask them for a loan... they won’t give it. When it comes to raising children, they are complete ignoramuses, either pampering or demanding impossible obedience; as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libra themselves are always disobedient and rough-necked in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people; they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, resides in the House of Death, Sex and Other People's Possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate creature, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of rebirth and rising from the ashes, like the Phoenix.
But a comparison with Dracula rising from the grave is more suitable for him.
These are people possessed by obsessive ideas, very secretive subjects prone to assault, who feed their pride by humiliating others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from boiling toxic emotions by only a thin layer of skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed instinct for survival in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio; only he himself can hit him. Which is what Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives out his life happily; usually his unbridled imagination and instinct of ownership push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But mind you, not anyone, but only himself, is doing a dirty trick on himself.
His favorite game in life is Bonfire of the Inquisition. If you die, then you are innocent, if you remain alive, then you are guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones; as a rule, their marriages do not last long, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everyone in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are by nature endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant narcissism.
Their intuition is so developed that they see people 
through. Very religious. Perhaps the most religious of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you. Scorpios are very vindictive, they do not forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late to them. As a rule, they are very hot-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, they are often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a broad gesture, but here 
they will demand something in return.
Their motto: All or nothing!
If you get a divorce, then they try in every way to annoy your ex and pay alimony with great reluctance.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world are never enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and resides in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people who have a philosophical view of life and events in the world, passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a loudmouth and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is ruled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his charges with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their generosity of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm you so much from the first meeting that they immediately remember this person and immediately promote them somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a piece of cake for Sagittarius, but he often won’t work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the podium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time educating humanity, which is mired in ignorance.
They don’t know how to act subtly; they need everything to be done right away.
They laugh very loudly or smile cloyingly, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides suppressed rage, and what a rage!
It is because they have to suppress their anger that many of them are violent criminals.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They were born in the dark season, when the days are shortest and the nights are longest and their souls are often also twilight, they suffer from attacks of melancholy, they constantly want fiesta.
Their favorite entertainment is the circus, they love it loud music, that’s why there are so many artists, singers, and musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. Flaw sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and they have frequent conflicts in their families, while they argue, yell, and then can calmly make peace and talk an hour later as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, and fickle.
They cheat easily in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start to prove your point of view, your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy 
protect themselves and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be another child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to be nursed by someone, they harass their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they adore five-day days, because for them, going to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home to the children after work, it may well go listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, although she doesn’t even have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: house elder, military personnel, fireman, stewardess, conductor of the Moscow-Vladivostok carriage - what could be more pleasant?
Generous astrologers describe this person as traditional, determined and purposeful personality, a very selective person, with good taste and sense of style.
It would be possible not to try hard with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with a Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his power, pompousness, these people clutch the Civil Code in one hand and the marriage contract in the other.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-minded. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then brought their weak-willed husbands into the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their herd. Although a fish tail in their sign indicates a moist and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely visible, they are not sweetly sentimental like Pisces.
Showing emotions is considered indecent, but they are hot-tempered.
More than anything else, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to achieve their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and listening to them is tiring, they do not have flights of thought and imagination, like Pisces and Gemini, everything is the naked truth. They also have a poor sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack spontaneity. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It’s time, it’s time to start a family, I’m already an adult
Namely, they think about family, not about love.
At a fairly young age, they achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to be happy, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if not, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness; to all his partner’s lamentations he has an excuse: I’m busy! Money is an end in itself for Capricorn.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health and are chronic long-livers.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications He was, of course, a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, it is likely that your phone will ring at night; Capricorn has decided to offer you a counter-argument...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he will most likely seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell everyone he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
To bring confusion and disorder is the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he's doing this. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has the desire to drink or smoke... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden changes and revolutions. Saturn is the planet of dogma and suppression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarians are aloof people, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when I save money, when I retire... But life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away; they usually hang them in the closet for years until they go out of fashion.
They are often very insightful and have a good understanding of people, but their problem is that they can never understand themselves... Marriages with them break up easily, like ninepins... But they are never left alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired ...
In old age, their weakest organ is the head, often loss of memory, nervous disorders. Therefore, if you get an Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which absorbs the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitive to the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals... 
Scrape off the gilt and you will find a dreamer knocked over by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and it is he who endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate every action through the prism of their prejudices, against which any truth is shattered..
This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all adversity easily, for the sole reason that not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the current carries them out on its own. 
They are not fighters, they don’t lay down their weapons, they don’t even know how to pick them up!
This makes them surprisingly resilient, but far from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and unwillingness to take risks keeps them down and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is enormous.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are lazy...
Ambition is a trait generally unknown to them; they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital from it.
But Neptune and God sea elements, that’s why Pisces are hot-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and begin to talk as if nothing had happened, they have a wonderful sense of humor, but sometimes it is cruel satire.
All Pisces speak first and think later.
But they are certainly interesting people, and the taste, style and charm they have often makes you come to terms with and digest their intolerable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-witted, they say about themselves, without noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including the offenders, many take this for courage, but this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
Very short, but funny and true comic horoscope— 10 principles of each Zodiac Sign!
And really, why use a lot of words if everything can be said about everyone in just a few short sentences. So we bring to your attention another comic horoscope- 10 principles of each Zodiac Sign. And although this comic horoscope The site was not compiled by the site's astrologer, however, we hope that it will bring you no less pleasure than others funny horoscopes from our website. Read,
And although this time we did not find the authors of this horoscope, and our astrologer does not completely agree with some even comic conclusions, we hope that this funny horoscope about 10 principles of each Zodiac Sign, the site will make you smile and get another charge of positive energy!
Comic horoscope — 10 principles of each Zodiac Sign:
Aries - One Aries is good, two Aries is a lot!
1. It’s better not to argue with me.
2. I’ll do it first, then I’ll think about it.
3. Where others are slowing down, I step on the gas.
4. I will be forever young.
5. Do as I do, because you can’t do it better anyway.
6. The most difficult thing is to listen to your interlocutor to the end.
7. Stubbornness is not a vice.
8. It’s easy to control the situation, but it’s more difficult to control your emotions.
9. One Aries is good, two Aries is a lot.
10. I don’t attack first. But God forbid it hurts me.
Taurus - Better a beautiful sofa than a beautiful sunset!
1. I don’t mind the money for the purchase, I don’t mind the party.
2. I don’t need someone else’s, don’t touch mine.
3. A bad peace is better than a good quarrel.
4. Don’t disturb someone who is well seated.
5. A beautiful sofa is better than a beautiful sunset.
6. Food is a serious thing.
7. Affectionate calf - sucks two queens.
8. When you ride second, you save energy.
9. I hate disposable lighters.
10. Taster - this is my true calling.
Gemini - One mind is good, but two are better, especially if both belong to the same person!
1. Today I am not the same as yesterday.
2. Whoever controls the situation owns the information.
3. One mind is good, but two are better, especially if both belong to the same person.
4. Figaro here, Figaro there.
5. The idea, like the products, should not be left behind.
6. One TV and telephone in the house is good, but three are better.
7. Those who didn’t have time are late.
8. I move through life like a scooter on water, I don’t go deep, but quickly.
9. At the market I am not responsible for the market.
10. I love quantity, because there is not enough time for quality.
Cancer - It's hard to live where there is nowhere to hide!
1. My home, my fortress.
2. Babysitting for others is my true calling.
3. It would be nice to stock up on everything in the world, both patience and jam.
4. Everything comes to those who know how to wait.
5. Meet friends at home, not in a cafe.
6. Nothing warms the soul like the sight of a stocked refrigerator.
7. It’s better to save up, but buy a worthy thing.
8. It’s hard to live where there is nowhere to hide.
9. I carry my past with me like a backpack.
10. Is it really possible to wear out a coat in twenty years?
Leo - Despite my friendly appearance, I am a dictator at heart!
1. I will lead you into the bright distance.
2. It is better to give support than to receive it.
3. Pleasant manners are half the success.
4. The sun shines for Leos.
5. A beautiful sign on the office door is more important than a high salary.
6. I like to earn good money and spend even more.
7. A grand piano in the house is better than a piano, even if there is no one to play it.
8. Despite my friendly appearance, I am a dictator at heart.
9. If you do it, it’s big.
10. Why do you need the sun if I’m with you???
Virgo - Modesty adorns not only the girl, but also the Virgo!
1. Patience and work will grind everything down.
2. Modesty adorns not only the girl, but also the Virgo.
3. Everyone lives for himself, but serves others.
4. Order is needed everywhere: both in thoughts and in the kitchen.
5. Prove to me strictly logically that we are made for each other.
6. A shelf hanging crookedly drives me crazy.
7. On a large scale, I get lost.
8. It’s difficult for me to remove pits from a whole bucket of cherries.
9. There is a cool lady in every Virgo.
10. The fly agaric definitely needs to be conspicuous, and porcini mushroom- and so good.
Libra - The worst thing is to argue!
1. Without a partner, it’s like without hands.
2. The worst thing is to argue.
3. Win by agreeing.
4. Only fools are principled.
5. I attract anyone, anything.
6. Beauty will save the world.
7. Everything should be done according to the mood.
8. The hardest thing is to make a choice.
9. Not all “i”s need to be dotted.
10. I myself don’t know whether I’m for the whites or the reds.
Scorpio - My passions rarely come to the surface, like a shark that rarely comes to the surface!
1. It’s a pity there’s no one to sting.
2. Every event is like a sofa: it must have hidden springs.
3. There must be a serious reason for smiling.
4. You can free yourself from everything, but not from your own passions.
5. I sing a song of love on the battlefield.
6. Not everyone can stand my gaze.
7. My passions rarely come to the surface, like a shark that rarely swims to the surface.
8. The world is lost without knights.
9. There are still Othellas on earth!
10. I look like a cactus, my fabulous flower opens for the chosen few.
Sagittarius - It’s impossible to be angry with me!
1. good man there must be a lot.
2. To whom I owe, I forgive everyone.
3. The best vacation is a trip around the world.
4. The main thing about the problem is its scale.
5. My ideal is Ivan Tsareviya.
6. It is impossible to be angry with me.
7. Remorse - what is it???
8. Commitment adorns only mediocre people.
9. It’s stupid to worry in advance, we’ll figure out the situation.
10. Not an obligatory person, he simply must be obligatory.
Capricorn - Real Capricorn, like cognac, is distinguished by its endurance!
1. I am not a sprinter, or even a stayer. I'm a marathon runner.
2. And there is one warrior in the field.
3. Don’t break the laws, someone else will get away with it, but you will be caught.
4. I need very little for myself. My property is simply a mirror of my successes.
5. Life is like a train that arrives at every station exactly on schedule.
6. It's nice to talk about distant countries, sitting at home.
7. Real Capricorn, like cognac, is distinguished by its age.
8. It’s worth climbing to the top all your life just to spit down from there just once.
9. Only I get younger with age.
10. I’m driving, I’m not whistling, and when I get there, I won’t let go.
Aquarius - How boring it is to be like others!
1. How boring it is to be like others.
2. If I invented you, become the way I want.
3. Prejudices are for fools.
4. The future simply must be wonderful.
5. It is difficult to be an angel, but it is necessary.
6. Good intention is more important than good deeds.
7. To become an innovator, you must first forget about traditions.
8. Sex? There are more important things in life.
9. Friends first, and then family, if of course there is time left.
10. No one is kinder, no one is more cheerful.
Pisces - It’s more important to sympathize than to help!
1. It is more important to sympathize than to help.
2. I can’t give up alcohol like a fish from water.
3. Order was invented by boring people.
4. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
5. You never know what I can promise.
6. Working in a hurry is the same as swallowing without chewing.
7. I am ready to understand everyone, but not myself.
8. A willow bends in a storm, but an oak tree falls.
9. Everyone knows that I am always busy, but few people know what exactly.
10. Don’t put pressure on me, otherwise I’ll slip away like a fish out of your hands.
Comic horoscope — 10 principles of each Zodiac Sign!
Sometimes you have to step away from serious reality and accept all life circumstances with a huge amount of humor. There are categories of people who are not offended. Please do not take such frivolous things seriously. begins his humorous march.
Astrologer's advice: Different level and the quality of a person’s education greatly affects the way in which various qualities are manifested. The upbringing of people also makes its mark on the characteristics of various properties of behavior.
Aries. A ram is also a ram in Africa. He is confident that he is right, he always knows what it costs, and arguing with him is at your own loss. Rams (in the sense of Aries) are very honest herd animals. If someone looks bad, he will say so directly. In real life he is of little use, but he gives advice to everyone. Free, at that.
Astrologer's advice: It happens that there is a rare opportunity to completely correct your personal life in good side, is given only once in a lifetime. Don't miss it - order it and find out how soon luck will be in your hands!
Taurus. Typical cuckold. The other half of him tries very hard for him to maintain his brand. He has a lot of stubbornness, he is boring and greedy, but serious because he thinks for a long time. His health is excellent. He doesn’t like new people, and can’t stand old ones, but he loves his friends, and not only artiodactyls.
Twins. Twin brothers just have different fathers. This is about them. Left hemisphere The brain of this sign always contradicts the right. Light, ephemeral and airy, they cannot finally decide on the choice of their soulmate: everything is not theirs, and everything is not right. But they are fun and interesting.
Astrologer's advice: Note that for detailed characteristics, it is necessary to correct the information taking into account the date, time and place of birth. Refined data will help you better understand yourself or understand other people.
Cancer. The second syllable of the word "fool". Although, however, this is not about him. Disgusting and cowardly, suspicious and annoying. A drunkard and a philosopher - that's all about him. He makes friends with Taurus and Virgo and talks with them about the end of the world. And they tolerate him out of pity.
Lion. Maybe I'll get a kick out of this comic horoscope according to zodiac signs. Kill - it won’t kill, but there will be a lot of roar. He is so selfish that he believed in the inviolability of his royal person. The weapon against him is sweet flattery. Atomic bomb I'm powerless here.
Astrologer's advice: We invite you to look at horoscopes for the month and year for all zodiac signs. The forecast will help you accept correct decision for any questions. Interesting and useful. Go to .
Virgo. She is very fond of law and order and woe to anyone who breaks them. He'll knock right away. But she is useful in housekeeping: she can wash and clean. So, you can live with her, but not for long - she will plague you with her pedantry and neatness.
Scales. These are great aesthetes who, putting clean socks and freshly brewed coffee on one bowl, will choose the second option. They often get sick, and if anyone wants to work as a vest or a nurse, then you are welcome!
Astrologer's advice: In order to comprehend and better understand the character and qualities of a zodiac sign, you need to get to know it from many sides and the category will help you with this.
Scorpion. Sexually preoccupied, hysterical egoist. He loves money even more than himself, but he doesn’t steal it, he earns it. Loves to do minor mischief and cause serious problems. Similar to the Ram, only waterfowl.
Sagittarius. He is always right, this is an axiom. And if he is wrong, then this is a theorem. A sociable and cheerful centaur, shooting at hearts left and right. Whoever is not his friend yet, let him get in line.
Astrologer's advice: Eastern horoscope, the same thing has a strong impact on the resource inherent in people when they are born. You can read more on our resource in the category.
Capricorn. He works a lot, and not with his horns and hooves, but with his head and hands. Woe to those who perceive Capricorn as the darling and soul of the company. He loves to butt heads, don't get into trouble.
Aquarius. I can’t give anything good advice to myself, but to others, please! Prison is his second home, because his relationship with the law does not work out. He is afraid of only one thing - old age.
Astrologer's advice: Relationships between loved ones often depend on the constellation of birth. Compatibility of signs is an educational section in astrology. You can find out about the relationship in the section -.
Fish. Complete comic horoscope according to zodiac signs. What can you do, this is their fate - to drag along behind everyone all their lives. Where should they go? They are not interested in money, but in the aquarium they will be fed anyway. For free.
Nowadays it is hardly possible to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs may well interest even the most hardened skeptics. While reading humorous horoscopes you can pass the time, have fun in the company and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the main qualities of each sign, is quite helpful in this interesting matter.
Aries
All the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs agree on one thing: you won’t be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and stubborn lamb.
Aries hates everyday routine, but he will be happy to hang around and give out his innovative ideas incessantly. It's almost impossible to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But there is one little trick. Say that the other person will do it better. At this point, Aries will smash itself into pieces to prove its leadership and superiority.
The fiery nature of Aries is marked by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. In terms of the time that this person is willing to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is also a ram in Africa, going straight through the jungle. Aries in this matter can even be called a rocket - he acts instantly, assertively, and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his advances. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” - this is his motto in love.
Taurus
Here he is, a worthy competitor to Aries in terms of stubbornness. This will be confirmed to you not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Moreover, to the enviable tenacity comes as a “bonus” fierce conservatism. Try to get a Taurus to throw out some of the outdated household trash and you will understand. Whether it’s a damaged CD, a notebook left over from school, or torn sneakers, it doesn’t matter. For him, all these things are valuable. And Taurus are also terrible bores: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.
Representatives of this constellation are closed individuals. It's easier to talk to a wall than to talk to a Taurus. At least you'll hear a hum when you knock on it. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.
Taurus's attitude towards love is the same as towards things - than more money and the time he spent pursuing you, the more valuable you will be to him. And don’t expect originality in courtship - Taurus’s conservatism also extends to amorous matters.
Twins
They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from that breed of people who will advocate “for any kind of kipish, except a hunger strike.” As noted by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, in terms of date of birth and character, these individuals fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have a whole company of winds walking in their heads.
Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Geminis themselves. They can not stop talking for many hours, completely oblivious to the reactions of others. It seems that even at his own wake, Gemini will rise from the coffin and tell the fainting guests an appropriate joke on the topic.
The laziness of these individuals is as legendary as their conversational skills. Due to the reluctance to delve into a topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little of everything. The ideal profession for them is one that will help them earn a million instantly and without unnecessary movements. Oh yes, Geminis need a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chat on the phone.
Cancer
The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if they look like a stale loaf, a brutal lout or an uncouth hillbilly. When watching non-children's films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.
A funny characterization of the zodiac signs compares Cancers to their namesakes from the animal world. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a careful step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what’s on the other person’s mind.
It is undesirable to joke sparklingly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can get upset even because of light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is a strict taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and tsunami than endure dark humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. You should also joke about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone for a long time.
Lion
The one and only He is proud and majestic, even if he finds himself locked in a zoo cage. The wild cries of nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the zodiac signs, the funny description highlights the royalty of this person, whose arrogance, it seems, no trouble can knock down.
What is good for Leo himself is not very fun and pleasant for his loved ones, because he requires treatment worthy of his status. In his opinion, those around him should be glad that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is capable of eclipsing everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.
However, sometimes the whirlpool of events that Leo generates around himself may end up with something completely different from what he would like. What can you do, such is the strength of the royal will. Do you want to recognize a Leo in your environment? Listen to the manner of conversation: the use of the pronoun “I” by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, would you agree?
Virgo
A true proof that appearances can be deceiving are the representatives of this constellation. It would seem that when we hear the word “virgin” our imagination pictures us of a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature who sits at home doing needlework. Astrologers who compose the characteristics of the zodiac signs disagree with this idea. The funny irony is that in reality things are “a little” different. Instead of a sensitive friend who supports hard times, a comrade-in-arms in all endeavors, Virgo could easily turn out to be... a serial killer. Yes, yes, statistics claim that most maniacs were born under this zodiac sign (what else can you expect from such neat and tidy people?).
Virgo can easily use her ability to adapt to the environment and always be an emphatically polite and correct person to achieve the desired goal. Before you even have time to blink an eye, she’s already sitting right hand from the director. But he will never show sympathy to the object of his love until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will wait patiently: suddenly something will change.
Scales
Whatever the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, over the years and months they all precisely determine one thing: this sign fully lives up to its name. Libra people are constantly in search of mental balance, and therefore do not pay any attention to the material world. Let someone else handle the solution everyday problems, be it cooking, washing or cleaning, but Libra has more sublime things to do.
People of this sign are always thrown in different directions. Having quickly caught fire with a new idea, they will throw all available resources into making it happen. They will involve a lot of people and create an event of national scale, but halfway through they will get tired of it all. They will quietly move away, leaving others to clean up the mess they have made.
Libra's inconstancy also extends to love affairs. Moreover, this state is so familiar to them that after betrayal they will not even be tormented by their conscience. They are not at all attempting to destroy the family, but they are having an affair. This means they are worthy of forgiveness.
Scorpion
These are real poisonous infections. Funny characteristics of the zodiac signs in poetry and prose glorify their ability to break the hearts of everyone who comes within sight. We must thank for this the natural charm of Scorpios and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and every time “before coffin board" The object of attention will immediately be confronted with this fact. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to get away from Scorpio’s original advances, and you won’t even want to - he’s a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or lover).
Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If a representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then no matter how difficult it is to achieve, he will go towards it with fundamental stubbornness. And even if you have to destroy everything that gets in your way, this will not stop Scorpio. But build new world after the chaos caused, he will be just as enthusiastic.
Sagittarius
People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goals, even if this does not happen right away. A funny description of the zodiac signs advises looking at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and hard work, Sagittarius is helped in this by a fair wind, which directs the fired arrows exactly to the bull's eye.
By nature, Sagittarians are true philanthropists. They are always trying to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn’t matter what the recipients themselves think). Their motto is “who else but me?” Employers take advantage of this. Well, Sagittarius won’t mind if you load him with a lot of work. You just need to hint that it is very important for the company that everything gets done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.
But you shouldn’t openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and they have an excellent memory. They will remind you of all the misunderstandings starting with kindergarten. And, in general, they will easily speak the truth to your face, at the risk of getting punched in your own face.
Capricorn
This is a pendulum man who always balances between two extremes, as stated by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Children of this sign are characterized by adult seriousness and thoroughness. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He throws himself headlong into work, as if into a pool, and it will be simply unrealistic to get him out. He will spend all his mental and physical strength even on a task that is obviously impossible. However, if Capricorn is impatient to go on a spree, then he will devote himself completely to this activity, having uncontrollable fun until complete degradation. It is possible to save him from a sad fate only if he manages to divert attention to something more interesting.
Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is convinced that everyone around him is a creeping bastard who has come to success over his head or through his bed, then even if he has a stake on his head, he won’t be convinced anyway.
Aquarius
Verbose spills out of Aquarius like water from a tap. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be interesting conversationalist, so this is Gemini. Perhaps we can still argue who will talk to whom in the end.
Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walks under the moon, seeing the dawn. Get ready to conquer ancient ruins shrouded in secrets with him - this is an indispensable attribute of courtship for him. According to the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs, such a person has no equal in poetry and serenades. Aquarius women are accustomed to following the dictates of their hearts. If it tells you that you should be together, wait for her on the doorstep with your suitcases.
What do Aquarians value most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them, if they want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius has made the necessary supply of cookies and will live for a long time and not bother in his cozy little world.
Fish
If anyone is capable of creating an alternative fictional reality out of nothing for themselves and those around them, it is Pisces. Moreover, for them the fantasy world will be as real as our usual one. They can easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the zodiac signs, is an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.
Ask this person for anything - to water flowers in your absence, to write a diploma for you - he will certainly hurt himself, but will fulfill the request. He's such an altruist, there's nothing you can do about it. In love, Pisces are shy and cautious; they will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step forward. “Vanilla” is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or her). So if you are ready to take the Pisces who is in love with you and lead her by the elbow in the right direction (and then kick her forward for the rest of her life), go for it.