Do you want to live long, love humor and short stories?.. Then don’t rush to leave, because the shortest story, as lovers of black humor say, is an epitaph. I tried to transform this not very funny thought into my short humorous stories and funny miniatures with slight irony and sarcasm, so read them - they will only prolong your life. If short humor with irony is not to your liking, then read serious prose: - they are not long either...
Anatomy of life
Angela Kuzikova was jubilant... Of course! Now, after vegetating in the employment center and a tedious search for a suitable job, the years of study at the Humanitarian University of the Non-Black Earth Region and the Central Russian Upland seemed to her to be a fleeting and insignificant event of her past life. She was in seventh heaven with happiness - she managed to get a long-awaited job in a new city newspaper. There, at first, Angela dealt with SMS complaints from citizens that were received by this publication. She received them, sorted them, processed them and prepared them for printing...
Vanka Zhukov 2
Vanka Zhukov or simply Wayne Sukoff, a twenty-two-year-old undergrowth, after paid and useless training at the volost business school of the district branch of the provincial branch of the new capital University for Bubble Inflating, was given to the people by his beloved grandfather, and ended up in a run-of-the-mill metropolitan office, where he gained experience and comprehended the life of office plankton.
Wayne Sukoff was almost an orphan and was raised in the village by his grandfather, but he looked like a smart guy and worked tirelessly. However, the rude office manager, who was also the owner of the office furniture and non-residential chambers, mocked him as he wanted, while violating labor legislation and without paying overtime...
YouTube star
The little girl learned that crocodiles do not fly from her grandmother, who soon died. A year later, the baby was babbling in the gadget that her mother gave her, and the child really wanted to hear a “little humorous story” from this device.
Time passed, and the cutie girl learned that there are not only terrible crocodiles, but also kind domestic geese and ducks. The girl grew up, learned about the world, learned to pronounce words correctly, and now she liked to listen to short “humorous stories” on the Internet...
Labrador Petya
On this gloomy day, an albino Labrador named Pyotr Ivanovich wandered through deserted courtyards filled with cars, looking at his feet and not paying attention to what was happening around him. And only when crossing alleys and streets, he looked around so as not to fall under the wheels of passing incompetents and reckless drivers.
Near one house, relatively new, with a landscaped yard, he noticed a high entrance porch with tiled walls. Several inscriptions written in blue aerosol were clearly visible on them, among which two stood out: “Vanya is bullshit...” and “SAM SUCKER!”...
National question
Karavaikin-son asks Karavaikin-father:
Dad, is it true that we descended from monkeys, huh?
Who told you this, son?
Romka Abramovich from our class.
Dad scratched his head and said:
It’s true, son, it’s true... We all came from them: Jews, Georgians, Russians, Uzbeks, and Kyrgyz... Everything!
And his son does not lag behind him: - How is this, how?!..
Wedding donkey
Lepyokhin always remembered his childhood when he heard one thing eastern name or an old joke about an old man from a distant village who was going to go by train to his relatives in the city with his beloved donkey. The old man and the donkey were, of course, not allowed into the carriage. Then he tied the obedient animal to the last carriage. And when the train arrived a day later at the desired station, the old man went to the rear of the train to fetch his donkey. But instead, I saw on the rope only one donkey’s head with protruding ears and large eyes bulging with horror and madness...
About love, sex and plagiarism
Karavaikin-son, towards the evening, began to look closely at Karavaikin-father and noticed that today his father good mood, asked him:
What is the difference between love, attraction and just sex?
Karavaykin's father looked at his son in bewilderment and, remembering that his son had turned sixteen in the spring, answered, restraining himself from dissatisfaction: “Why do you need this?”
“They gave me such a topic for an essay,” Karavaikin’s son calmly answered...
Optimistic tragedy 2
This was not the fat-assed vixen from the TV channel for visually impaired fans of TV series, and not the blonde lahudra with silicone tits ala Pamela from the WhatDamn channel, and not even the bitchy prostitute Klasha-BI with a flesh-colored latex ass from the WhatDamn-Plus channel. And this was a natural, corpulent woman, and she, like a statue of Corpulence, towered on main square Earth.
She looked into the distance proudly, but not too purposefully, because she knew for sure that most admirers of portly women...
Unity Day
Sidorov woke up with a heavy head.
“Apparently, I slept…” he thought, but, looking at the ticking alarm clock, he muttered: “Yes, no, it looks like I didn’t sleep…”
Before waking up, he had an amazing dream... In a supermarket, he saw three-liter jars of vodka, in which pimply cucumbers were appetizingly green.
“Only in a dream can one dream of vodka in three-liter jars and even with pickles..." - Sidorov reasoned soberly and even neighed quietly, like a horse from the smell of juicy hay...
Dog thoughts
Pyotr Ivanovich loved new year holidays... Garbage cans were emptied less often these days - they overflowed and looked richer than at other times. And there was no need to scour for a long time - you could profit from something without much effort.
Running along a slushy path, he stopped near a familiar house. There was a police car parked there and a small group of onlookers nearby, discussing something. Soon an ambulance arrived at this place, and the intrigued Pyotr Ivanovich approached the people...
God's gift
Hello, dear President!
A resident of our and your country is writing to you. A long time ago, when I lived in my native village called Bolshaya Derevnya and worked as a groom at the state farm “Path to Communism,” I wrote to your grandfather, dear Leonid Ilyich, in Moscow.
There is no state farm now - the state farm has died, just like our village... We now live in the city, as they say now, in New Moscow... That's right!.. Everything, as our grandfathers said, has come true: “Moscow is a Big Village!”
Thank you and your grandfather - we are now “Muscovites” and we have nothing to do with communism, you can say that it’s just a stone’s throw away! about this - I want to talk about our infection, about this very corruption that does not allow the people to breathe. I was especially outraged by the last incident about your minister bribing 20 kilos worth of dollars...
The Tale of Kuzma Mamai
Previously, back in Soviet time, Apollon Petrov worked as a journalist in a newspaper, and then as an editor in a book publishing house, so he knew the price artistic expression in all senses.
Now, already retired, Apollon Petrov, under the pseudonym Kuzma Mamai, published couplets, quatrains and aphorisms on the Internet, flavored with obscenities, without receiving any fees for his verbal art, but at the same time experiencing great moral satisfaction.
“Brevity is the sister of talent, and swearing is his older brother! "- Petrov was now talking...
I invite you to become a member and subscriber of the community "Short stories and stories of the 21st century" In contact with. If you want to be an author or reader of modern Russian prose without empty fantasy, glamor, philological dregs and pseudo-intellectual gibberish, then click on this link.
About the genre of short humorous stories
Small, short stories, irony as a stylistic figure, and ironic prose itself are an expression of ridicule or slyness through allegory, when a word or statement takes on a meaning in the context of speech that is opposite or negating its literal meaning.
Humor - special kind comic, combining ridicule and sympathy, an externally comic interpretation and internal involvement in what seems funny. Unlike the “destructive laughter” of satire and the “laughter of superiority” (including irony), in humor, under the guise of the funny, there is serious attitude to the subject of laughter, and even an excuse for the “eccentric”, which provides humor with a more holistic reflection of the essence of the phenomenon. Such humor, such irony, as a rule, are contained in small, short stories of ironic prose.
But about self-irony in encyclopedic dictionaries there is almost nothing, but I believe that everything is already clear here. In essence, this is the same irony, but only directed at oneself. Although most often self-irony, as an expression of one’s attitude towards one’s own personality in all senses, is rarely heard out loud, and if it is heard, it is usually done without witnesses.
Both the sense of humor and self-irony, especially when spoken out loud, are undoubtedly higher than ordinary irony, which sometimes turns into sarcasticness. There are many shades of humor and self-irony, but similar human qualities Not many people have it... It’s like a talent, like a special gift.
Forms of expression of all this wealth human culture plenty: this catchphrases, sayings, proverbs, aphorisms, anecdotes, miniatures, novellas, small, short stories, novellas... There are enough examples, samples, one might say, standards of such creativity - there is no point in listing them all. True, there are clearly expressed forms and delightful places in such works as, for example, the novels of Ilf and Petrov, small, short stories by Averchenko, Zoshchenko, and more deeply hidden texts, but no less enchanting the reader, as, for example, in works of Babel or Andrei Platonov. In my opinion, all these concepts do not require an encyclopedic definition... Here, as they say, everything is clear to a hedgehog. Irony and humor are friends, so they can’t live without each other. They are like a sandwich, like bread and butter - always together, and if there is also a thin layer of self-irony, then it is almost like caviar added to this sandwich - extraordinary yummy!
One day in September I met a classmate (it was in student years 20 years ago).
- How did you spend your summer?
- Super! I went to the sea and got a job as a lifeguard. Sea, sun, fruits,
girls - it's a blast!
- Great!
“But one thought, one thought, haunted me all summer, deprived me of peace,
prevented me from falling asleep at night.
- What's happened?
— I don’t know how to swim. What if something...
Doctor to patient.
- E-e-ex, Yegor Stepanovich will see you next week...
- Who is this?
- Our pathologist...
The son came from the street.
-Where is the sled?
- I gave the girl a ride, she and her grandfather will bring it...
Of course, we were glad that the boy was kind, it’s just a pity that he was gullible.
Exactly two hours later, the sled was brought, and his grandfather bought him a chocolate bar.
And the son takes his cell phone out of his pocket and says to his grandfather:
- Here's your phone number...
A woman calls a nutritionist:
— Doctor, I think I’m overweight.
- Why did you decide so?
- Yes, today I bought a talking scale and weighed myself on it.
- And what did they tell you?
“They said, “One at a time, please.”
The phrase: “Will you marry me!?” I only hear it at work.
The tornado, which knocked out all the windows in the Hydrometeorological Center building, seemed to hint to its employees that today is not exactly “sunny, mostly without precipitation.”
Mikhail, reading the ingredients of an air freshener in a supermarket, began to shit out of habit.
From a conversation at work:
- What is your name?
- Slavik.
- What about your middle name?
- With such a salary, it’s just Slavik...
If you talk to yourself, you're a schizophrenic. You talk to yourself on Twitter - microblogger.
Boycotting a woman is impossible in principle - as soon as you stop talking to her, she decides that you have started listening to her.
- Girl, will you sleep with me for 100 bucks?
- NO!
- Well, please, I really need money.
I don't want to look for a job. She's not looking for me. In the end, you have to have at least a drop of pride.
If I decide not to do anything, there is no stopping me!
And don't wake me up! What does it mean - it's time to go home? By the way, we have irregular working hours.
If you live with your wife, you are not allowed to drink every day. If you live alone, you have nothing to eat.
The patient comes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor, I have a little problem, I eat soup and poop soup, I eat potatoes and poop potatoes!
The doctor answers the patient:
- And you eat poop and you will poop poop!
Don't correct me, I'm not your cowards!
- Like such a sweet, beautiful and charming girl no boyfriend?
- I died of happiness.
One day, the French queen decided to choose as her favorite the one who would say the most ambiguous, piquant, gallant phrase. One marquis won, and issued the following:
- Your Majesty, there are so many admirers at your feet! I would like to be between them!
Do not try to weaken the penguin by strangulation. The penguin is a waterfowl and can survive without air for a long time. If the penguin is an emperor, then it is also very large and strong and can hit back. It is best not to engage in confrontation with penguins at all.
- Natasha, you are without panties today.
- Where did you get the idea, lieutenant?
- Dandruff on shoes...
My book will be out soon. Although, in general, I shouldn’t have eaten it.
When Vasily went into the army, he took the keys to the house with him, so Nastya, whether you like it or not, had to wait for him.
Chuck Norris is so cool that he doesn't need to run. It is enough just to look in the right direction, and the Earth itself will begin to rotate under his feet.
Few people know that Amsterdam is the capital not only of drug addiction and prostitution, but also of some European country.
All women have only one thing on their mind, as if all men have only one thing on their mind.
- Girl, you are so beautiful in this evening dress!
- Man, are you crazy? Close the door!
If I got up in the middle of the night, it means someone woke me up; if someone woke me up at that time, it means the matter is urgent. So the cat, I'm listening to you!
Women's folk pastime- fall in love with an idiot and assure everyone that he is the one and only.
Girl with her lover. Suddenly the husband came. She - to God:
- God, make sure your husband doesn’t find out anything!
Voice from heaven:
- Fine. But you will die on the water.
After 2 years, she was given a cruise ticket. Suddenly the ship began to sink, the girl:
- God, you won’t drown everyone because of me!!!
- Yes, I spent 2 years collecting you whores!!!
Each of us has had a book in our lives that, throughout the entire reading, made us smile, giggle into our fists, choke with laughter, or, not caring about decency, laugh loudly right in public places!
Narine Abgaryan "Manyunya"
Anna, 23 years old, seller in a bookstore:
“Actually, I warmly recommend the entire trilogy about the girl Manyuna! And I’m just about to re-read it myself. This is a pure, unclouded adult nonsense like politics, psychology and some kind of expectations from life! The way everyone should have it, and from which such wonderful adults then grow, like the author - Narine Abgaryan. This book is an excellent vaccination against everything superficial and a reminder that life is nothing if you treat it correctly!
Favorite quotes:
“Who would dare refuse Ba’s help? No one! Everyone wanted to live.”
"How can I explain to you what they are giving away? vegetable stew? Take a school apron, cut it into strips, fill it with chalk and a treble clef. Add D's in algebra and geometry. Simmer for a day in milk with foam. This is how sadly stewed vegetables smell and look.”
“To enhance the aroma, Manka sprinkled us with the Wild Berry air freshener. The amber we exuded could have overwhelmed a fully combat-ready company of infantrymen.”
Ilya Ilf and Evgeny Petrov "Golden Calf"
Tatyana, 29 years old, teacher:
“A wonderful book: sparkling, radiant and comprehensive! In many ways superior to the first part of the stories about the “great schemer”. I read it with great pleasure and laughed to tears! The authors’ sense of humor is subtle, without vulgarity, so sincere and kind that you want to re-read the book repeatedly and advise everyone around!”
Favorite quotes:
"Don't hit your bald head on the parquet!"
“In Rio de Janeiro, for example, stolen cars are repainted in a different color. This is done for purely humane reasons - so that the previous owner would not be upset when he sees that a stranger is driving around in his car.”
“You are an interesting person! Everything is fine with you. It’s amazing, with such happiness - and in freedom.”
Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Ekaterina, 24 years old, engineer:
“This is my personal No. 1 in humorous literature. An absolutely brilliant work, quotes from which I often talk with friends. The content is impossible to retell, because these are not just space adventures of crazy heroes - in his book, Douglas Adams reflects on the Meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything Else ! A subtle and smart book, pretending to be an entertaining, humorous bestseller, but having many deep layers. An example of that very legendary English humor (and one of its best incarnations, in my opinion)."
Favorite quotes:
“A man who has traveled the length and breadth of the Galaxy, gone through hunger, poverty and deprivation, and still has a towel with him - this is a man with whom you can do business.”
“The main difference between an object that can go bad and an object that can’t go bad is that an object that can’t go bad cannot be repaired if it does go bad.”
“The technology that makes something invisible is so infinitely complex that 999,999,999 times out of a billion it is much easier and more efficient to simply take it and run off with it to an unknown destination.”
And, of course, signature quotes (for those in the know): "Don't Panic!!!" and "42".
Helen Fielding "Bridget Jones's Diary"
Alexandra, 26 years old, technical writer:
“In general, I rarely read books that make you smile and lift your spirits, I prefer all sorts of adventures and gothic fantasy, and there’s no time for smiles... But at one time I was very amused by the book “Bridget Jones’s Diary”: in places I just chuckled and read her twice, including in English. What this book probably knows the whole world about: about a not very lucky girl in her thirties, lonely, whose head and life are full of problems and awkward situations with men, parents, overweight etc., who one day decides to start a diary in order to somehow put her life in order. Well, it does!”
Favorite quotes:
“I realized that the secret to losing weight is not to weigh yourself.”
“Being a woman is even worse than being a farmer. There is so much that needs to be fertilized and cleaned up: waxing the hair on the legs; shaving the hair under the arms; plucking the eyebrows; scrubbing the heels with a pumice stone; tinting the regrown hair roots; cleansing the skin with a scrub and moisturizing with cream; acne disinfect with lotion; file your nails; massage your cellulite; strengthen your abdominal muscles with exercises. And this whole labor process should be perfectly organized - if you take a break from it for just a few days, all your efforts will be nullified.”
“The need to open your mouth while applying mascara to your eyelashes is a great and inexplicable mystery of nature.”
Sergey Dovlatov "Compromise"
Tatyana, 28 years old, sound engineer:
“From my rather extensive reading experience, almost all of Sergei Dovlatov’s works were and remain the most “smiling.” And first of all, precisely because this smile is not toothy: one, you know, that does not turn into laughter, but no less pleasant for this. Like him he himself said that among his characters there are no good or bad ones, each of them has a little bit of everything mixed in. And with each of them, like with each of us, such ordinary, everyday funny and sad joys happen “Compromise” (a series of short stories. from very different times), I can say without exaggeration, I know it almost by heart and re-read it every time I feel like I lack the spontaneity with which the heroes of these books look at life.”
Favorite quotes:
“A decent person is one who does nasty things without pleasure.”
“A boxing match was shown on Leningrad television. A Negro, black as wax, fought with a blond Pole. The announcer explained: “You can distinguish a Negro boxer by the light blue border on his shorts.”
- At least you wouldn’t lie! Who is this red-haired, fidgety big thing? I saw you from the bus this morning...
- This is not a red-haired, fidgety big thing. This is the metaphysical poet Vladimir Erl. He has this hairstyle...
Irina and Leonid Tyukhtyaev "Zoki and Bada: a guide for children on raising parents"
Tatyana, 35 years old, health worker:
"This wonderful book“for everyone who has ever been a child” I first read in electronic form about 10 years ago, and recently bought a paper one, with beautiful illustrations. It is very funny (based on a play on words), kind, easy to read and liked not only by me, but also by my husband and 12-year-old daughter, who actually doesn’t like to read at all. The idea of the book is for adults to learn to understand children better, and for children to understand adults better. This book always lifts my spirits, so I will re-read it more than once!”
Favorite quotes:
“I’m so tired of you,” Bada groaned, “it would be better if you weren’t here.”
“And there is no one better than us,” objected Mu-odov.
“So, bada, we were with you, are and will be there,” confirmed Mu-odov.
“Good dogs don’t lie on the road, they lie on the sofa.”
“Here you go,” said Bada, “he treated and treated... What, your headache didn’t go away?
“I guess not,” Myu-odov hesitated, “actually, I wanted to find out: here
did your head go away?
Slava Se "Plumber, his cat, wife and other details"
Elena, 27 years old, journalist:
“Very, well, just very funny reading! And by the words “very funny” we should not mean “hee-hee” and “ha-ha”, but a wild guffaw that erupts completely uncontrollably! Therefore, at work, like me, you still read it’s not worth it... Slava Se is like Dovlatov (I’m not afraid of this surname), only closer, not so brilliantly unattainable, and also a little sad, but very lively and understandable. Besides, I don’t remember my father’s notes at all in our literature, especially about his daughters. , about little ones, and written so warmly and with such love. Seriously, a universal remedy for the blues and can be read from anywhere.”
Favorite quotes:
“Whoever throws away a Christmas tree in January is paranoid. And a pathetic slave of order. A determined owner dries the tree until it becomes crispy.”
“It’s easy to raise two girls. I know how to bark, “Come on, eat!” and “Come on, go to sleep!” I’m good at it. Lyalya is already asleep at the thirteenth chapter. Masha - I don’t know, after the hundredth I fall asleep myself.
I know how to cook sausages, I know where the tights are (I don’t know whose). It’s just the hair... In the mornings, you need to whip up compositions “like a princess” using them and elastic bands. I can only play "woman from Mars".
"We found a kitten. The color is metallic leopard print. Affectionate, with small child-sized velvet eggs on the back. Responds to the names Kuzya, Tobik, Lena, Petya and Where did you put the remote control? Funny, bites everyone's toes at night. Eats well, went potty three times , out of necessity and just out of interest. Smart as Feuchtwanger.
If this is your kitten and you are not indifferent to its fate, add a comment here, and I will post it once a week interesting stories about his personal growth."
Tibor Fischer "Philosophers from the Highway"
Olga, 26 years old, editor:
"The wittiest, kindest and very funny story about a fat and lazy loser philosopher and his disabled partner robbing banks. Moreover, it happens to them completely by accident, and often unexpectedly for them. The narrative style is sumptuous, in the spirit of a philosophical treatise, with subtitles like “A Row of Common Places” and “The Train as a Way to Cover Your Tracks.” About love, friendship, sex, philosophy, logic and bandits: “This is a robbery! Read it for everyone!”
Favorite quotes:
“Themistocles riding around the agora in a chariot drawn by prostitutes... This picture has nothing to do with philosophy. But what is the thought!”
“Other details of the orphanage education are omitted: a priori it was assumed that if this was not hell itself, then one of its branches.”
"And then there's always the morning when you have to get up disgustingly early and go rob five banks in Montpellier."
Georgy Danelia "The toastee drinks to the dregs"
Irina, 36 years old, economist:
“These are the director’s memories - about his childhood, about his films (in particular, “Afonya”, “Mimino”, etc.), about the actors, about the oddities on the set, the history of creating scripts for our favorite comedies. The book cannot be called funny in the literal sense of this The words are rather ironic. But it definitely lifts the mood!”
Favorite quotes:
"This is not music, this is a tripper." - "Why clap?" - “Because it catches on quickly and is difficult to get rid of.”
“Once in Tashkent I watched on TV Tatyana Lioznova’s film “Seventeen Moments of Spring,” dubbed into Uzbek. There Bormann, when he entered the Fuhrer’s office, threw out his hand and exclaimed: “Salaam alaikum, Hitler-aha!”
“Meet, this is my mother,” I told my new friends. I stood up and offered to drink to her health. Mom said that if I drank less to her health, there would be more of it.”
Igor Guberman "Gariki for every day"
Inna, 29 years old, dentist:
"A collection of short, very apt and vital quatrains. The humor, of course, is more masculine, and this is confirmed by the profanity encountered, but most of the "gariks" are so truthful that, noticing the imperfections of existence, ourselves and the world around us, they invariably make us smile - they say, Yes, that’s exactly how it is! The book is as funny as it is sad - but I highly recommend reading it!”
Favorite quotes:
Yesterday I ran to get a tooth filled
and I laughed as I ran:
all my life I've been dragging around my future corpse
and cherish it zealously.
An era is upon us,
and in the corner there is a bed,
and when I feel bad with my woman,
I don't care about the era.
Sometimes you wake up like a bird,
winged spring on platoon,
and I want to live and work;
but by breakfast it goes away.
What books will you add to this list?
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Notebooks in the rain
During recess, Marik says to me:
Let's run away from class. Look how nice it is outside!
What if Aunt Dasha is late with the briefcases?
You need to throw your briefcases out the window.
We looked out the window: it was dry near the wall, but a little further away there was a huge puddle. Don't throw your briefcases into a puddle! We took the belts off the trousers, tied them together and carefully lowered the briefcases onto them. At this time the bell rang. The teacher entered. I had to sit down. The lesson has begun. The rain poured outside the window. Marik writes me a note: “Our notebooks are missing.”
I answer him: “Our notebooks are missing.”
He writes to me: “What are we going to do?”
I answer him: “What are we going to do?”
Suddenly they call me to the board.
“I can’t,” I say, “I have to go to the board.”
“How, I think, can I walk without a belt?”
Go, go, I’ll help you,” says the teacher.
You don't need to help me.
Are you sick by any chance?
“I’m sick,” I say.
How's your homework?
Good with homework.
The teacher comes up to me.
Well, show me your notebook.
What's going on with you?
You'll have to give it a two.
He opens the magazine and gives me a bad mark, and I think about my notebook, which is now getting wet in the rain.
The teacher gave me a bad grade and calmly said:
You're feeling strange today...
How I sat under my desk
As soon as the teacher turned to the board, I immediately went under the desk. When the teacher notices that I have disappeared, he will probably be terribly surprised.
I wonder what he'll think? He’ll start asking everyone where I’ve gone - it’ll be a laugh! Half the lesson has already passed, and I’m still sitting. “When,” I think, “will he see that I’m not in the class?” And it’s hard to sit under the desk. My back even hurt. Try and sit like that! I coughed - no attention. I can't sit anymore. Moreover, Seryozha keeps poking me in the back with his foot. I couldn't stand it. Didn't make it to the end of the lesson. I get out and say:
Sorry, Pyotr Petrovich...
The teacher asks:
What's the matter? Do you want to go to the board?
No, excuse me, I was sitting under my desk...
Well, how comfortable is it to sit there, under the desk? You sat very quietly today. This is how it would always be in class.
When Goga started going to first grade, he knew only two letters: O - circle and T - hammer. That's all. I didn't know any other letters. And I couldn't read.
Grandmother tried to teach him, but he immediately came up with a trick:
Now, now, grandma, I’ll wash the dishes for you.
And he immediately ran to the kitchen to wash the dishes. And the old grandmother forgot about studying and even bought him gifts for helping him with the housework. And Gogin’s parents were on a long business trip and relied on their grandmother. And of course, they didn’t know that their son still hadn’t learned to read. But Goga often washed the floor and dishes, went to buy bread, and his grandmother praised him in every possible way in letters to his parents. And I read it aloud to him. And Goga, sitting comfortably on the sofa, listened with his eyes closed. “Why should I learn to read,” he reasoned, “if my grandmother reads aloud to me.” He didn't even try.
And in class he dodged as best he could.
The teacher tells him:
Read it here.
He pretended to read, and he himself told from memory what his grandmother read to him. The teacher stopped him. To the laughter of the class, he said:
If you want, I’d better close the window so it doesn’t blow.
I'm so dizzy that I'm probably going to fall...
He pretended so skillfully that one day his teacher sent him to the doctor. The doctor asked:
How is your health?
It’s bad,” Goga said.
What hurts?
Well, then go to class.
Because nothing hurts you.
How do you know?
How do you know that? - the doctor laughed. And he slightly pushed Goga towards the exit. Goga never pretended to be sick again, but continued to prevaricate.
And the efforts of my classmates came to nothing. First, Masha, an excellent student, was assigned to him.
Let’s study seriously,” Masha told him.
When? - asked Goga.
Yeah right now.
“I’ll come now,” Goga said.
And he left and did not return.
Then Grisha, an excellent student, was assigned to him. They stayed in the classroom. But as soon as Grisha opened the primer, Goga reached under the desk.
Where are you going? - asked Grisha.
“Come here,” Goga called.
And here no one will interfere with us.
Yah you! - Grisha, of course, was offended and left immediately.
No one else was assigned to him.
As time went. He was dodging.
Gogin's parents arrived and found that their son could not read a single line. The father grabbed his head, and the mother grabbed the book she had brought for her child.
Now every evening,” she said, “I will read this wonderful book aloud to my son.
Grandma said:
Yes, yes, I also read interesting books aloud to Gogochka every evening.
But the father said:
It was really in vain that you did this. Our Gogochka has become so lazy that he cannot read a single line. I ask everyone to leave for the meeting.
And dad, along with grandmother and mom, left for a meeting. And Goga was at first worried about the meeting, and then calmed down when his mother began to read to him from a new book. And he even shook his legs with pleasure and almost spat on the carpet.
But he didn't know what kind of meeting it was! What was decided there!
So, mom read him a page and a half after the meeting. And he, swinging his legs, naively imagined that this would continue to happen. But when mom stopped really interesting place, he became worried again.
And when she handed him the book, he became even more worried.
He immediately suggested:
Let me wash the dishes for you, mommy.
And he ran to wash the dishes.
He ran to his father.
His father sternly told him never to make such requests to him again.
He thrust the book to his grandmother, but she yawned and dropped it from her hands. He picked up the book from the floor and gave it to his grandmother again. But she dropped it from her hands again. No, she had never fallen asleep so quickly in her chair before! “Is she really asleep,” thought Goga, “or was she instructed to pretend at the meeting? “Goga tugged at her, shook her, but the grandmother did not even think about waking up.
In despair, he sat down on the floor and began to look at the pictures. But from the pictures it was difficult to understand what was happening there next.
He brought the book to class. But his classmates refused to read to him. Not only that: Masha immediately left, and Grisha defiantly reached under the desk.
Goga pestered the high school student, but he flicked him on the nose and laughed.
That's what a home meeting is all about!
This is what the public means!
He soon read the entire book and many other books, but out of habit he never forgot to go buy bread, wash the floor or wash the dishes.
That's what's interesting!
Who cares what's surprising?
Tanka is not surprised by anything. She always says: “That’s not surprising!” - even if it happens surprisingly. Yesterday, in front of everyone, I jumped over such a puddle... No one could jump over, but I jumped over! Everyone was surprised except Tanya.
“Just think! So what? It’s not surprising!”
I kept trying to surprise her. But he couldn't surprise me. No matter how hard I tried.
I hit a little sparrow with a slingshot.
I learned to walk on my hands and whistle with one finger in my mouth.
She saw it all. But I wasn't surprised.
I tried my best. What have I not done! Climbed trees, walked without a hat in winter...
She still wasn't surprised.
And one day I just went out into the yard with a book. I sat down on the bench. And he began to read.
I didn't even see Tanka. And she says:
Marvelous! I wouldn't have thought that! He reads!
Prize
We made original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka will be a knight. The only bad thing is that he has to ride me, and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He'll ride me a little, and then he'll get off and lead me like horses are led by the bridle. And so we went to the carnival. We came to the club in ordinary suits, and then changed clothes and went into the hall. That is, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me - he walked on the floor with his feet. But it was still not easy for me.
And I haven't seen anything yet. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn’t see anything at all, although the mask had holes for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I was crawling in the dark.
I bumped into someone's feet. I ran into a column twice. Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask slipped off and I saw the light. But for a moment. And then it's dark again. I couldn't shake my head all the time!
At least for a moment I saw the light. But Vovka saw nothing at all. And he kept asking me what was ahead. And he asked me to crawl more carefully. I crawled carefully anyway. I didn’t see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my hand. I stopped immediately. And he refused to crawl any further. I told Vovka:
Enough. Get off.
Vovka probably enjoyed the ride and didn’t want to get off. He said it was too early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still couldn’t see anything.
I suggested taking off the masks and looking at the carnival, and then putting the masks back on. But Vovka said:
Then they will recognize us.
It must be fun here,” I said. “But we don’t see anything...
But Vovka walked in silence. He firmly decided to endure until the end. Get first prize.
My knees started to hurt. I said:
I'll sit on the floor now.
Can horses sit? - said Vovka. “You’re crazy!” You're a horse!
“I’m not a horse,” I said. “You’re a horse yourself.”
“No, you’re a horse,” Vovka answered. “Otherwise we won’t get a bonus.”
Well, so be it,” I said. “I’m tired of it.”
“Be patient,” said Vovka.
I crawled to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.
You are sitting? - asked Vovka.
“I’m sitting,” I said.
“Okay,” Vovka agreed. “You can still sit on the floor.” Just don't sit on the chair. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair!..
Music was blaring all around and people were laughing.
I asked:
Will it end soon?
Be patient,” said Vovka, “probably soon...
Vovka couldn’t stand it either. I sat down on the sofa. I sat down next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the sofa. And I fell asleep too.
Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.
In the closet
Before class, I climbed into the closet. I wanted to meow from the closet. They'll think it's a cat, but it's me.
I was sitting in the closet, waiting for the lesson to start, and didn’t notice how I fell asleep.
I wake up - the class is quiet. I look through the crack - there is no one. I pushed the door, but it was closed. So, I slept through the entire lesson. Everyone went home, and they locked me in the closet.
It's stuffy in the closet and dark as night. I got scared, I started screaming:
Uh-uh! I'm in the closet! Help!
I listened - silence all around.
ABOUT! Comrades! I'm sitting in the closet!
I hear someone's steps. Someone is coming.
Who's bawling here?
I immediately recognized Aunt Nyusha, the cleaning lady.
I was delighted and shouted:
Aunt Nyusha, I'm here!
Where are you, dear?
I'm in the closet! In the closet!
How did you, my dear, get there?
I'm in the closet, grandma!
So I hear that you are in the closet. So what do you want?
I was locked in a closet. Oh, grandma!
Aunt Nyusha left. Silence again. She probably went to get the key.
Pal Palych knocked on the cabinet with his finger.
There’s no one there,” said Pal Palych.
Why not? “Yes,” said Aunt Nyusha.
Well, where is he? - said Pal Palych and knocked on the closet again.
I was afraid that everyone would leave and I would remain in the closet, and I shouted with all my might:
I'm here!
Who are you? - asked Pal Palych.
I... Tsypkin...
Why did you go there, Tsypkin?
I was locked... I didn't get in...
Hm... He's locked up! But he didn’t get in! Have you seen it? What wizards there are in our school! They don't get into the closet when they are locked in the closet. Miracles don’t happen, do you hear, Tsypkin?
How long have you been sitting there? - asked Pal Palych.
Don't know...
Find the key,” said Pal Palych. - Fast.
Aunt Nyusha went to get the key, but Pal Palych stayed behind. He sat down on a chair nearby and began to wait. I saw his face through the crack. He was very angry. He lit a cigarette and said:
Well! This is what prank leads to. Tell me honestly: why are you in the closet?
I really wanted to disappear from the closet. They open the closet, and I’m not there. It was as if I had never been there. They will ask me: “Were you in the closet?” I will say: “I wasn’t.” They will say to me: “Who was there?” I will say: “I don’t know.”
But this only happens in fairy tales! Surely tomorrow they will call your mother... Your son, they will say, climbed into the closet, slept through all the lessons there, and all that... as if it’s comfortable for me to sleep here! My legs ache, my back hurts. One torment! What was my answer?
I was silent.
Are you alive there? - asked Pal Palych.
Well, sit tight, they'll open soon...
I am sitting...
So... - said Pal Palych. - So will you answer me why you climbed into this closet?
Who? Tsypkin? In the closet? Why?
I wanted to disappear again.
The director asked:
Tsypkin, is that you?
I sighed heavily. I simply couldn't answer anymore.
Aunt Nyusha said:
The class leader took the key away.
“Break down the door,” said the director.
I felt the door being broken down, the closet shook, and I hit my forehead painfully. I was afraid that the cabinet would fall, and I cried. I pressed my hands against the walls of the closet, and when the door gave way and opened, I continued to stand in the same way.
Well, come out,” said the director. - And explain to us what that means.
I didn't move. I was scared.
Why is he standing? - asked the director.
I was pulled out of the closet.
I was silent the whole time.
I didn't know what to say.
I just wanted to meow. But how would I put it...
Carousel in my head
By the end school year I asked my father to buy me a two-wheeler, a battery-powered submachine gun, a battery-powered airplane, a flying helicopter and a table hockey game.
I really want to have these things! - I told my father. “They are constantly spinning in my head like a carousel, and this makes my head so dizzy that it is difficult to stay on my feet.”
“Hold on,” said the father, “don’t fall and write all these things on a piece of paper for me so that I don’t forget.”
But why write, they are already firmly in my head.
Write,” said the father, “it doesn’t cost you anything.”
“In general, it’s worth nothing,” I said, “just extra trouble.” And I wrote in capital letters for the whole sheet:
VILISAPET
PISTAL GUN
VIRTALET
Then I thought about it and decided to write “ice cream”, went to the window, looked at the sign opposite and added:
ICE CREAM
The father read it and said:
I'll buy you some ice cream for now, and we'll wait for the rest.
I thought he had no time now, and I asked:
Until what time?
Until better times.
Until what?
Until the next end of the school year.
Yes, because the letters in your head are spinning like a carousel, this makes you dizzy, and the words are not on their feet.
It's as if words have legs!
And they’ve bought me ice cream a hundred times already.
Betball
Today you shouldn’t go outside - there’s a game today... - Dad said mysteriously, looking out the window.
Which? - I asked from behind my dad’s back.
“Wetball,” he answered even more mysteriously and sat me down on the windowsill.
A-ah-ah... - I drawled.
Apparently, dad guessed that I didn’t understand anything and began to explain.
Wetball is like football, only it is played by trees, and instead of a ball, they are kicked by the wind. We say hurricane or storm, and they say wetball. Look how the birch trees rustled - it’s the poplars that are giving in to them... Wow! How they swayed - it’s clear that they missed a goal, they couldn’t hold back the wind with branches... Well, another pass! Dangerous moment...
Dad spoke just like a real commentator, and I, spellbound, looked at the street and thought that wetball would probably give 100 points ahead to any football, basketball and even handball! Although I didn’t fully understand the meaning of the latter either...
Breakfast
Actually, I love breakfast. Especially if mom cooks sausage instead of porridge or makes sandwiches with cheese. But sometimes you want something unusual. For example, today's or yesterday's. I once asked my mother for an afternoon snack, but she looked at me in surprise and offered me an afternoon snack.
No, I say, I would like today’s one. Well, or yesterday, at worst...
Yesterday there was soup for lunch... - Mom was confused. - Should I warm it up?
In general, I didn’t understand anything.
And I myself don’t really understand what these today’s and yesterday’s ones look like and what they taste like. Maybe yesterday's soup really tastes like yesterday's soup. But what then does the taste of today’s wine taste like? Probably something today. Breakfast, for example. On the other hand, why are breakfasts called that? Well, that is, according to the rules, then breakfast should be called segodnik, because they prepared it for me today and I will eat it today. Now, if I leave it for tomorrow, then it’s a completely different matter. Although no. After all, tomorrow he will already be yesterday.
So do you want porridge or soup? - she asked carefully.
How the boy Yasha ate poorly
Yasha was good to everyone, but he ate poorly. All the time with concerts. Either mom sings to him, then dad shows him tricks. And he gets along well:
- Don't want.
Mom says:
- Yasha, eat your porridge.
- Don't want.
Dad says:
- Yasha, drink juice!
- Don't want.
Mom and Dad are tired of trying to persuade him every time. And then my mother read in one scientific pedagogical book that children do not need to be persuaded to eat. You need to put a plate of porridge in front of them and wait until they get hungry and eat everything.
They set and placed plates in front of Yasha, but he didn’t eat or eat anything. He doesn’t eat cutlets, soup, or porridge. He became thin and dead, like a straw.
-Yasha, eat porridge!
- Don't want.
- Yasha, eat your soup!
- Don't want.
Previously, his pants were difficult to fasten, but now he was hanging out completely freely in them. It was possible to put another Yasha in these pants.
And then one day it blew strong wind. And Yasha was playing in the area. He was very light, and the wind blew him around the area. I rolled to the wire mesh fence. And there Yasha got stuck.
So he sat, pressed against the fence by the wind, for an hour.
Mom calls:
- Yasha, where are you? Go home and suffer with the soup.
But he doesn't come. You can't even hear him. He not only became dead, but his voice also became dead. You can't hear anything about him squeaking there.
And he squeaks:
- Mom, take me away from the fence!
Mom began to worry - where did Yasha go? Where to look for it? Yasha is neither seen nor heard.
Dad said this:
“I think our Yasha was blown away somewhere by the wind.” Come on, mom, we’ll take the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind will blow and bring the smell of soup to Yasha. He will crawl to this delicious smell.
And so they did. They took the pot of soup out onto the porch. The wind carried the smell to Yasha.
How Yasha smelled it delicious soup, immediately crawled towards the smell. Because I was cold and lost a lot of strength.
He crawled, crawled, crawled for half an hour. But I achieved my goal. He came to his mother’s kitchen and immediately ate a whole pot of soup! How can he eat three cutlets at once? How can he drink three glasses of compote?
Mom was amazed. She didn't even know whether to be happy or sad. She says:
“Yasha, if you eat like this every day, I won’t have enough food.”
Yasha reassured her:
- No, mom, I won’t eat that much every day. This is me correcting past mistakes. I will, like all children, eat well. I'll be a completely different boy.
He wanted to say “I will,” but he came up with “bubu.” Do you know why? Because his mouth was stuffed with an apple. He couldn't stop.
Since then, Yasha has been eating well.
Secrets
Do you know how to make secrets?
If you don't know how, I'll teach you.
Take a clean piece of glass and dig a hole in the ground. Place a candy wrapper in the hole, and on the candy wrapper - everything that is beautiful.
You can put a stone, a fragment of a plate, a bead, a bird feather, a ball (can be glass, can be metal).
You can use an acorn or an acorn cap.
You can use a multi-colored shred.
You can have a flower, a leaf, or even just grass.
Maybe real candy.
You can have elderberry, dry beetle.
You can even use an eraser if it’s pretty.
Yes, you can also add a button if it’s shiny.
Here you go. Did you put it in?
Now cover it all with glass and cover it with earth. And then slowly clear the soil with your finger and look into the hole... You know how beautiful it will be! I made a secret, remembered the place and left.
The next day my “secret” was gone. Someone dug it up. Some kind of hooligan.
I made a “secret” in another place. And they dug it up again!
Then I decided to track down who was involved in this matter... And of course, this person turned out to be Pavlik Ivanov, who else?!
Then I made a “secret” again and put a note in it:
“Pavlik Ivanov, you are a fool and a hooligan.”
An hour later the note was gone. Pavlik did not look me in the eye.
Well, did you read it? - I asked Pavlik.
“I haven’t read anything,” Pavlik said. - You yourself are a fool.
Composition
One day we were told to write an essay in class on the topic “I help my mother.”
I took a pen and began to write:
"I always help my mom. I sweep the floor and wash the dishes. Sometimes I wash handkerchiefs.”
I didn't know what to write anymore. I looked at Lyuska. She scribbled in her notebook.
Then I remembered that I washed my stockings once, and wrote:
“I also wash stockings and socks.”
I didn’t really know what to write anymore. But you can’t submit such a short essay!
Then I wrote:
“I also wash T-shirts, shirts and underpants.”
I looked around. Everyone wrote and wrote. I wonder what they write about? You might think that they help their mother from morning to night!
And the lesson did not end. And I had to continue.
“I also wash dresses, mine and my mother’s, napkins and bedspreads.”
And the lesson did not end and did not end. And I wrote:
“I also like to wash curtains and tablecloths.”
And then the bell finally rang!
They gave me a high five. The teacher read my essay out loud. She said that she liked my essay the most. And that she will read it at the parent meeting.
I really asked my mother not to go to Parent meeting. I said that my throat hurts. But mom told dad to give me hot milk with honey and went to school.
The next morning at breakfast the following conversation took place.
Mom: Do you know, Syoma, it turns out that our daughter writes essays wonderfully!
Dad: It doesn't surprise me. She was always good at composing.
Mom: No, really! I’m not kidding, Vera Evstigneevna praises her. She was very pleased that our daughter loves to wash curtains and tablecloths.
Dad: What?!
Mom: Really, Syoma, this is wonderful? - Addressing me: - Why have you never admitted this to me before?
“I was shy,” I said. - I thought you wouldn't let me.
Well, what are you talking about! - said mom. - Don't be shy, please! Wash our curtains today. It's good that I don't have to drag them to the laundry!
I rolled my eyes. The curtains were huge. Ten times I could wrap myself in them! But it was too late to retreat.
I washed the curtains piece by piece. While I was soaping one piece, the other was completely blurry. I'm just exhausted with these pieces! Then I rinsed the bathroom curtains bit by bit. When I finished squeezing one piece, water from neighboring pieces was poured into it again.
Then I climbed onto a stool and began hanging the curtains on the rope.
Well, that was the worst! While I was pulling one piece of curtain onto the rope, another fell to the floor. And in the end, the whole curtain fell to the floor, and I fell onto it from the stool.
I became completely wet - just squeeze it out.
The curtain had to be dragged into the bathroom again. But the kitchen floor sparkled like new.
Water poured out of the curtains all day.
I put all the pots and pans we had under the curtains. Then she put the kettle, three bottles and all the cups and saucers on the floor. But water still flooded the kitchen.
Oddly enough, my mother was pleased.
You did a great job washing the curtains! - Mom said, walking around the kitchen in galoshes. - I didn’t know you were so capable! Tomorrow you will wash the tablecloth...
What is my head thinking?
If you think that I study well, you are mistaken. I study no matter. For some reason, everyone thinks that I am capable, but lazy. I don't know if I'm capable or not. But only I know for sure that I am not lazy. I spend three hours working on problems.
For example, now I’m sitting and trying with all my might to solve a problem. But she doesn’t dare. I tell my mom:
Mom, I can’t do the problem.
Don’t be lazy, says mom. - Think carefully, and everything will work out. Just think carefully!
She leaves on business. And I take my head with both hands and tell her:
Think, head. Think carefully... “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B...” Head, why don’t you think? Well, head, well, think, please! Well what is it worth to you!
A cloud floats outside the window. It is as light as feathers. There it stopped. No, it floats on.
Head, what are you thinking about?! Aren `t you ashamed!!! “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B...” Lyuska probably left too. She's already walking. If she had approached me first, I would, of course, forgive her. But will she really fit, such a mischief?!
“...From point A to point B...” No, she won’t do. On the contrary, when I go out into the yard, she will take Lena’s arm and whisper to her. Then she will say: “Len, come to me, I have something.” They will leave, and then sit on the windowsill and laugh and nibble on seeds.
“...Two pedestrians left point A to point B...” And what will I do?.. And then I’ll call Kolya, Petka and Pavlik to play lapta. What will she do? Yeah, she'll play the Three Fat Men record. Yes, so loud that Kolya, Petka and Pavlik will hear and run to ask her to let them listen. They've listened to it a hundred times, but it's not enough for them! And then Lyuska will close the window, and they will all listen to the record there.
“...From point A to point... to point...” And then I’ll take it and fire something right at her window. Glass - ding! - and will fly apart. Let him know.
So. I'm already tired of thinking. Think, don't think - the task will not work. Just an awfully difficult task! I'll take a walk a little and start thinking again.
I closed the book and looked out the window. Lyuska was walking alone in the yard. She jumped into hopscotch. I went out into the yard and sat down on a bench. Lyuska didn’t even look at me.
Earring! Vitka! - Lyuska immediately screamed. - Let's go play lapta!
The Karmanov brothers looked out the window.
“We have a throat,” both brothers said hoarsely. - They won't let us in.
Lena! - Lyuska screamed. - Linen! Come out!
Instead of Lena, her grandmother looked out and shook her finger at Lyuska.
Pavlik! - Lyuska screamed.
No one appeared at the window.
Whoops! - Lyuska pressed herself.
Girl, why are you yelling?! - Someone's head poked out of the window. - A sick person is not allowed to rest! There is no peace for you! - And his head stuck back into the window.
Lyuska looked at me furtively and blushed like a lobster. She tugged at her pigtail. Then she took the thread off her sleeve. Then she looked at the tree and said:
Lucy, let's play hopscotch.
Come on, I said.
We jumped into hopscotch and I went home to solve my problem.
As soon as I sat down at the table, my mother came:
Well, how's the problem?
Does not work.
But you’ve been sitting over it for two hours already! This is just terrible! They give the children some puzzles!.. Well, show me your problem! Maybe I can do it? After all, I graduated from college. So. “Two pedestrians went from point A to point B...” Wait, wait, this problem is somehow familiar to me! Listen, you and your dad decided it last time! I remember perfectly!
How? - I was surprised. - Really? Oh, really, this is the forty-fifth problem, and we were given the forty-sixth.
At this point my mother became terribly angry.
It's outrageous! - said mom. - This is unheard of! This mess! Where is your head?! What is she thinking about?!
About my friend and a little about me
Our yard was large. There were a lot of different children walking in our yard - both boys and girls. But most of all I loved Lyuska. She was my friend. She and I lived in neighboring apartments, and at school we sat at the same desk.
My friend Lyuska had straight yellow hair. And she had eyes!.. You probably won’t believe what kind of eyes she had. One eye is green, like grass. And the other one is completely yellow, with brown spots!
And my eyes were kind of gray. Well, just gray, that's all. Completely uninteresting eyes! And my hair was stupid - curly and short. And huge freckles on my nose. And in general, everything with Lyuska was better than with me. Only I was taller.
I was terribly proud of it. I really liked it when people called us “Big Lyuska” and “Little Lyuska” in the yard.
And suddenly Lyuska grew up. And it became unclear which of us is big and which is small.
And then she grew another half head.
Well, that was too much! I was offended by her, and we stopped walking together in the yard. At school, I didn’t look in her direction, and she didn’t look in mine, and everyone was very surprised and said: “A black cat ran between the Lyuskas,” and pestered us about why we had quarreled.
After school, I no longer went out into the yard. There was nothing for me to do there.
I wandered around the house and found no place for myself. To make things less boring, I secretly watched from behind the curtain as Lyuska played rounders with Pavlik, Petka and the Karmanov brothers.
At lunch and dinner I now asked for more. I choked and ate everything... Every day I pressed the back of my head against the wall and marked my height on it with a red pencil. But strange thing! It turned out that not only was I not growing, but, on the contrary, I had even decreased by almost two millimeters!
And then summer came, and I went to a pioneer camp.
In the camp, I kept remembering Lyuska and missing her.
And I wrote her a letter.
“Hello, Lucy!
How are you? I'm doing well. We have a lot of fun at camp. The Vorya river flows next to us. The water there is blue-blue! And there are shells on the shore. I found a very beautiful shell for you. It is round and with stripes. You'll probably find it useful. Lucy, if you want, let's be friends again. Let them now call you big and me small. I still agree. Please write me the answer.
Pioneer greetings!
Lyusya Sinitsyna"
I waited a whole week for an answer. I kept thinking: what if she doesn’t write to me! What if she never wants to be friends with me again!.. And when a letter finally arrived from Lyuska, I was so happy that my hands even shook a little.
The letter said this:
“Hello, Lucy!
Thank you, I'm doing well. Yesterday my mother bought me wonderful slippers with white piping. I also have a new big ball, you'll really get pumped! Come quickly, otherwise Pavlik and Petka are such fools, it’s no fun to be with them! Be careful not to lose the shell.
With pioneer salute!
Lyusya Kositsyna"
That day I carried Lyuska’s blue envelope with me until the evening. I told everyone what a wonderful friend I have in Moscow, Lyuska.
And when I returned from the camp, Lyuska and my parents met me at the station. She and I rushed to hug... And then it turned out that I had outgrown Lyuska by a whole head.
It was in 1995, the Russian gang of thieves... did not forget this year, since they remained alive... Freedom was all around in the country, who it freed from work, who it made worse for the next world, they lived richly then - only the gang of thieves.
Yes! Whoever was in power then easily saved billions for themselves.
And the Cossacks on the Don tried as hard as they could - here they resisted! To feed their families and supply the capital with meat.
My working days... then took place in the procurement office. It was summer...
So we handed over the pigs, picked up travel sausages, fresh, with the smell of garlic from pure meat, three kilograms each, not like they sell sausage now, it contains 10% meat, and the rest is unknown. At that time, for such a sausage, which contains only 10% meat, a minimum of five years general regime They would have given us a stage without delay and sent us to not so distant places.
Due to the fact that we worked without incident or any incidents, we stopped at the shop.
We took a liter bottle of Streletskaya from this store...
In a green city there lived a green man. He lived in a green house with a green door and green windows. He had a green wife and two green children. At night he slept in his green bed and dreamed green, green dreams.
One day the green man got up green in the morning, put on a green shirt, green trousers and green shoes. He put a green hat on his head and left the house. The green man sat down in his green car and drove along the green road. On one side of the road there was a green sea, and on the other side...
The phone call distracted me from not-so-important matters at work. Teacher kindergarten? Something happened there, they ended up being taken hostage, in short, there was an emergency. I rushed to the garden in a long 7 minutes, without even changing clothes, in a medical gown, but only had time for the “hat analysis”.
The children had already been taken out, and my neighbor was getting ready to take them home. For some reason, there is anxiety and hidden panic in the air. Exclamations and whispers: “Now SHE won’t let anyone in...”, “He died, died, and grandma, the door from the inside... clicked shut...
Story: Friend's Wife
The guy broke up with his girlfriend, he’s lonely, so he turns to his friend’s wife with a request to find him a girlfriend. She:
- Will you love her?
- Will.
- Carry it in your arms?
- Will.
- Should I give gifts?
- Will.
- Listen, maybe I’ll suit you?
Safety Engineer
As our safety engineer says, nothing pleases the eye like a second eye!
Visual acuity test
Ophthalmologist:
- Read this line!
Patient:
- I can not.
- Yes, you have...
The first time I fell in love was in 4th grade. Then the male and female schools were merged, and girls came to our 4th grade. Our school used to be a boys' school, and girls came to us. The first days of school were extraordinary: there was silence in the class, because both boys and girls did not yet know each other. However, a week later the situation changed dramatically. After everyone got to know each other, there was constant noise during lessons, and it was difficult for teachers to conduct lessons.
Her name was Galya Kapustina. She wasn't pretty, most likely...
Wax runs in a thin strip along a long curved candle. She smells like vanilla. I don't like vanilla. An angel sits on the windowsill and looks into the sky. He wants to go home, but I hold him. I keep it with my thoughts and attempts to be with the man I love. I make you fly everywhere and keep you from doing crazy things. He is tired and sighs blue pollen. I want to apologize, but this is his job... I ask the angel to find my beloved, but he refuses. And what's wrong with him, really?
The angel is crying. I didn't know this could happen...
At about 11 o'clock, for some - afternoon, for others - morning, a bell rang in my apartment. I went to open it.
Two lovely women stood on the landing. They held brochures in their hands. The one who was taller and bolder turned to me with a smile:
Hello! We came to you at the behest of the Lord God.
An unpleasant musty smell wafted from the entrance, and therefore I tried to speed up the time of communication with the envoys with a counter question:
And why did he send you to me?
-We brought you from...