Several letters have already arrived describing approximately the same problem, its essence: I have lost myself and my life is crumbling, I cannot understand the reason why this is happening to me and my destiny. Help please!
It's reasonable asked question and the right approach is to understand the reason for what is happening. Most people do not want to know the truth about themselves, about their mistakes and failures; they prefer to blame other people, fate, the government, anyone, but not themselves. Therefore, they often step on the same rake in life and do not learn from their mistakes. When, by fate, big troubles begin, the first thing you need to strive to do is to find the root cause of what is happening, because of which life begins to collapse and a person loses touch with himself, with his soul.
I have already written an article practically on this topic, it is called -. In it you will find practical recommendations- what you need to do to find yourself. In this article we will look at exactly the reasons and answer the questions - when does a person lose himself, and why does his life begin to collapse! We’ll also add some practical advice previous article.
I have lost myself and my life is falling apart! Why is this happening?
Dramatic changes for the worse in a person’s life always begin for a reason. Usually this is either a consequence of certain actions of a person, his sins, or the beginning of a new stage of his destiny, which still needs to be correctly understood.
Let's consider the main reasons why a person loses himself. But first, let’s define what we mean by losing oneself: loss of joy, meaning in life, self-confidence, one’s place in life, collapse of goals and plans, illness, losses (jobs, families, death loved one), prison, other.
The main reasons for the loss of oneself and the destruction of fate:
1. Serious mistakes made in life are great sins. Never a crime committed (murder, betrayal, treason, theft, violence against others or against oneself, others) passes in life without a trace. When a person commits such a sin, from an esoteric point of view, he loses protection and is taken under his wing, and this always entails corresponding changes in fate, and, most often, these changes have negative consequences for the person. And the first thing that happens to a person is that he loses joy in his heart and inner light(positive) in your soul.
2. Leaving your destiny - giving up your goals, your purpose, not fulfilling your goals. This happens when a person leaves the path on which they lead him Higher Powers, including when he refuses the favorable opportunities created for him by fate. For example, he is destined to become a minister or a great scientist and do something significant for the country, but he gives up everything and chooses a quiet family life in the village, starts raising chickens and milking cows. For leaving his karmic tasks, such a person can lose everything - family, health, material well-being, lose yourself. Therefore, if you recognize yourself in the situation described, urgently return to your path as quickly as possible, otherwise nothing good awaits you!
3. Not accepting any lesson given to a person by fate, which appears in the form negative reaction: strong, etc. These emotions take over a person’s consciousness and lead him into negativity. This leads to the fact that a person becomes fixated on this negativity (resentment or envy), closes himself off from the world and, most often, loses contact with his soul (which guides a person through life). is deprived of the opportunity to help a person, guide him, the soul itself is greatly oppressed by resentment (negativity) and he begins to go in the wrong direction, making a series of mistakes that destroy his destiny.
4. When a person engages in self-flagellation and self-destruction. It happens even for no particular reason, he just doesn’t love himself, isn’t trained to love and treat himself right. Or when he can’t forgive himself for something. And when a person eats himself, flagellates, destroys, eats away with a feeling of guilt, he oppresses his soul and the connection with it can be practically blocked. This leads to a feeling of complete loss of oneself and to big problems according to fate.
5. And it also happens that a person loses himself in order to find himself again, but to find himself differently. That is, move to the next stage of your evolution. Such a transition is often accompanied by a spiritual search and mental anguish, a search for the meaning of life, answers to questions that arise in the mind, changes in fate that force a person to move forward. Life especially pushes a person into trouble when he has stayed in one place, stopped developing and does not want to grow, move on (set and achieve new goals).
In my articles, the bigger and better the response they receive. In order to be honest with you, dear readers, you first need to be honest, first of all, with yourself, and admit the things I have done. Anyone who practices any form - - knows the “rollback” effect. Having achieved the first visible (or sustainable) results, we gradually abandon the practice, naively believing that this will always be the case, that we will always be psychologically stable, etc.
Naturally, without maintaining the results with daily actions, after some time we return to the same problems, life is again filled with uncertainty, drama - in general, with what we tried to get rid of. And then we go around in circles again and again until we understand that we need to work on ourselves not only when everything is bad, life is falling apart at the seams, and we ourselves are falling apart, but also then (and especially then!) when everything returns to normal and we feel good.
With such a long introduction, I’m going to talk about one of the most difficult practices for me - to remain myself. It’s both sad and funny to think about how many times I’ve gone through losing and finding myself again, repeating essentially the same maneuvers, arriving at the same results and, in once again losing vigilance, she lost sight of herself, becoming someone else. Any obstacles, adversities and failures that arise on my way always signal one thing - I lost myself, began to listen to someone else’s voices more attentively than my own, began to do not what I myself want, but what they want or what others expect (or what I think others want from me). The realization that you are making the same mistake for the hundredth time leads to resentment towards yourself, a bitter, deep resentment that sheds tears for your real self, pushed into a far corner due to stupidity, which I thought I had already outgrown.
As you can see, the topic of losing oneself is a very personal one, and I have a lot to say about it.
Firstly, it is very easy to lose yourself if you are not organized. One of the first places in mine is the need to remain yourself, no matter what happens, to live your life from the heart, and not from the mind, which is subject to all-round influence. And yet, I manage to forget about this and get distracted by such false goals and deceptive desires as money, someone’s attention and praise, meeting some ridiculous standards (“what should I achieve by this age”, “what people see me”, etc.). I found out for myself very simple formula, which I would definitely tattoo on my brain if it were possible: when I don’t do what I really want, I feel bad. This leads not only to a depressed state, but also to physical illness, and then, if I don’t catch it in time, all sorts of troubles begin to fall on me from the outside. Thus, first my own body and consciousness, and then the universe persistently signal to me - “you are going the wrong way!”
Sometimes you can blind yourself so much that months and years pass in a dull struggle with the consequences - illnesses and troubles - before the patient realizes that he did all this himself for one single purpose - to inform himself that he has lost himself.
Secondly, when you are firmly on the path of being yourself, there will definitely be options get off this path– “tempting” offers, “wise” advice from elders and everyone interested, “easy” ways to get what you want by express train. All this is a test of how firm you are in your decision, how much you understand the importance of being yourself and fulfilling your goals, how ready you are to remain yourself, even if this is associated with difficulties. But being yourself can be difficult - and it’s not so much about relationships with other people, but about own relationships with yourself. After all, we tend to constantly doubt ourselves, our decisions, our inner voice, and the correctness of the chosen path. It’s worth doubting for a moment, and the next tempting substitute offer will seduce you with money, respect, generally accepted success - that which welcomes our mind and that which is often disgusting to our heart.
Thirdly, it's very easy lose yourself in love– according to my observations of themselves and others, people make this mistake most often. When a person has lost himself, he begins to look - some in alcohol, some in work, some in non-physical methods of care, and some in another person. Catching the illusion of completeness achieved at the expense of another is very dangerous, because if you don’t feel whole and fill yourself with another being, it doesn’t go away - and as soon as the person leaves, it will fall on you with all its heaviness and hopelessness. Besides, filling your own voids with the help of other people is a scam, and these same people will also not benefit from such an attitude. A healthy, non-crooked life is possible only in the event of a meeting of two whole people who feel complete, then there is no need to plug holes in own life and soul with the help of someone else.
The very idea that in order to, you need to change yourself, break yourself, turn yourself inside out is false. This does not mean that you don’t need to work on yourself, but the work should be carried out in a natural and non-violent direction - revealing your potential and its realization, fulfilling your goal, which sounds in us with the voice of the heart, not the mind. In fact, the only work you need to do is to be yourself and dance from it: make decisions, enter into relationships, carry out activities that suit your gut, that create harmony, and do not punch holes in the delicate matter of the soul. It’s easy to lose yourself, but it’s also not difficult to find yourself - you need to listen only to yourself, only to your inner voice, which says what you really want.
How often do women come to me complaining that they have lost themselves in relationships and would like to find themselves again.
You do not lose yourself - it is impossible to lose your real self - but your vulnerable part, which served as the basis for a feeling of success and confidence in society.
Lost myself
Before marriage, I was an energetic woman who was interested in many things. I was passionate about work and was not the last step in the career ladder. I liked to constantly be among people, take care of my appearance, and look great.
But now I've lost myself in family life. I want to become the same again - independent, self-sufficient. How can I get back to myself?
Almost seven years ago I fell in love and got married. And I became a housewife. What happens outside my home simply ceases to interest me. But my husband annoys me, and I often get depressed. It's hard for me to just enjoy life. Why did I become like this?
Family relationships disappointed me. I'm bored with my husband. But I don’t know how to live without him - I really depend on him financially. And I simply don’t have the strength to change anything. I feel lost, thrown out of life...
This story is typical. Very often I can observe how confident and sufficiently successful women gradually losing themselves. However, this is a normal process of tearing away the masks of pride and independence... And this is the beginning of the path to true inner freedom and spirituality.
During a long-term relationship with a man, a woman’s hidden inner parts, hidden layers of the unconscious, begin to awaken. This is what plunged into the abyss of the child’s psyche during your interaction with your parents.
There is a little, weak, dependent girl living inside of you. It is she who needs to go through all the stages of growing up - from complete affection to true independence. And what you have shown to the world up to this point - your success and freedom - is only compensation for your deep insecurity, a way to avoid contact with your inner defenseless child.
Protecting yourself from pain and suffering, you closed yourself off from feelings - and now a reasonable, logical, rational woman appeared in front of us, using her inner masculine energy to achieve success in society. But as soon as she takes a step towards her deepest experiences - and this is what ultimately happens in a relationship with a man who managed to find a way to her heart - and she gets lost, feeling dependent and weak. She is faced with what has been repressed into the “dungeon” of her soul.
Protections and masks
Often women, disappointed in men, plunge headlong into business. In this way they fill the inner emptiness. Disappointment can be experienced in adult life, but most often it is a trace of childhood experiences and beliefs that a little girl came to in relationships with men in her family. And her women's novels only confirmed these findings.
If a woman has the courage to fall in love and build deeper relationships, she inevitably encounters the feelings of her inner child that have been repressed from consciousness. She has to face what she has always successfully run away from.
Dependence on a man is an inevitable part of the path to true freedom.
Seeming to be independent and actually being so are not the same thing.
A woman who is successful and independent only on the surface is afraid of a lot: she is afraid to depend on her partner, she is afraid that she will not be able to part with him, she is afraid of falling in love, she is afraid of becoming attached. She needs confidence that she is able to leave a man when she considers it necessary, she needs to know that such an opportunity exists. Her inner little girl doesn't want to relive the pain she once couldn't cope with. And therefore a woman’s defenses are very strong.
When a woman develops a relationship, she is very afraid and ashamed of the manifestations of this child - the readiness to beg for love and attention. And this fear forms and strengthens its opposite - strength, independence. And a woman doesn’t want to destroy the image of a confident lady.
Meeting Pride
Remember that insinuating inner voice asking you: “Why do you need a relationship with him? Is he worth your worries?
With love,
Irina Gavrilova Dempsey
Psychologist's answer.
Hello, Natalya. I'm glad my previous answer was helpful to you.
Regarding this question. The rule “you should treat people the way you would like them to treat you” only partially works. But another rule always works: others treat us the way we treat ourselves. If we listen to ourselves, then others begin to listen to us. If you like your hairstyle and wear it with your head held high, then others begin to copy it. Fashion is generally a subjective thing, it’s enough for someone to confidently go on the catwalk in ripped jeans - and the store shelves are filled with these ripped jeans :)
It is very easy to lose yourself if you listen to the advice of others, and the advice will always be different, because people judge from their own “bell tower”, and indeed for some it may be better this way, and for others that way. And you can't please everyone. Therefore, you will always be haunted by the feeling that you did something wrong, it could have been better, etc.
You write, “I can’t decide how to behave in this or that situation, I’m afraid it might not be right.” Drive in a way that suits you. That's right - it's what's best for you, and no one can know this better than you.
You haven’t lost yourself, you know who you are, you just haven’t fully appreciated who you are yet. You definitely need to be proud of the character traits that you have: “I’m a calm, good-natured person, happy to help in any way I can.” Any character trait can be both an advantage and a disadvantage, it all depends on how we ourselves evaluate it - with a plus sign or a minus sign. And how we evaluate her is how others will treat her. By the way, modesty and the ability to trust also adorns a person.
"IN lately I believe more in the bad, I’m afraid, when everything is good, that something bad will happen, I can’t rejoice at something to the fullest.” Such fear arises if a person does not trust himself, has no idea about his capabilities - and all because he does not underestimate what he sees in himself.
And you also need to develop self-acceptance, form personal boundaries (what are they), cultivate unconditional self-love () and strive to live in harmony with yourself (). So why does self-doubt arise?
And in conclusion, I would like to quote a quote from the Sufi master Zarey (it is always relevant, in any situation and, moreover, makes life truly happy): “Go out into the World, dance your dance, sing your song. Don't think whether it's beautiful or not, right or wrong. Live!”
I’ve lost myself in life, I don’t know how to decide!
Hello, my name is Pavel, I was born in 1987. My problem is that I have now begun to understand that I am lost in life, I don’t know where to go, what to do, what to do. It all started when I became a DJ in nightclubs in our city when I was in 9th grade. Before this profession I was an ordinary child comp. games, football, etc. I wasn’t even interested in girls, because they didn’t look at me; they preferred someone older than themselves and more influential. In the profession of DJ, I began to change very much, school was over for me, grades 9-10-11, I will say that I just slept in the back rows with fumes because I drank alcohol every night, working in such a crazy schedule from 21:00 to 6:00 In the morning, sleep for about two hours and go to school. After classes, again to the daytime disco from 14:00 to 18:00, again to sleep a little and go to work, and so on every day for 3 years. I compensated for my desire to sleep with energy drinks and alcohol. After graduating from school, I devoted all my time to DJing, combining it with my studies at the university. At that time, I believed that this was not just a job, but the meaning of my life. I left the salary that I received at the bar, and I didn’t focus on it because I was ready to work for free. Probably this is also an addiction, girls available every day, a feeling of celebration and euphoria, alcoholic friends, the adrenaline that I received from the public. In a word, I was the best among all the DJs not only in my city but also among many from the republic. I had a negative attitude towards drugs! One work night I met a girl I had a crush on, she liked that I was a DJ famous person , that a lot of girls were running after me, she was flattered by this, over the 3 years of our relationship, changes began in me, I became more passive, people’s interest in me dropped sharply. I thought I was growing up, although I didn’t give up DJing. And at the age of 23, on the advice of my parents and myself, it seemed that I would become a family man, I married her. Our parents left us an apartment and moved out to live separately, it seemed that everything was fine, minor quarrels of misunderstanding. But everything was quickly resolved. We decided to have a baby, and then it all started. On the days when my wife was pregnant, I tried to be restrained and not confrontational, but there were days when I left home for a club in order to find a distraction there; I couldn’t be at home. It was calmer and more interesting there. On the night of the birth, my wife was at home, but not alone! Having learned that my son was born, I went to the mountains for another party, at that time my wife was still in the maternity hospital, I expected to have time to pick her up upon discharge, but I didn’t have time. Because all the drivers were drunk. Her parents took her. At home, my mother-in-law and wife were shaking around the baby, there was a lot of attention and help. I was not at home, and in general I was afraid of all this. Wasn't ready. In my head there are clubs, girls, booze. Our intimate life was strained, at first I ran home to her after night work, I wanted intimacy, and in response I received insults, screams that the neighbors then whispered, and she did not accept my offers of variety, it happened that I had to beg her for a long time to try something new, and only after listening to a bunch of humiliating insults addressed to me, to which I had to turn a blind eye in order to get what I wanted. Or achieve this while drunk. She said that I don’t excite her, although in all my foreplay I heard this, don’t do this, don’t like it, don’t want it, but what then? I just undressed and went to bed, “take me.” All grievances at this moment were covered by the desire for sexual intercourse. And at the same time I had to look for consolation, affection and the fulfillment of my desires on the side. But I always knew and understood that my own was better and dearer. Our arguments got to the point where I couldn’t stand it and allowed myself to slap her in the face or twist her and throw her on the bed. And it didn't help. Even worse. Swearing, letting one’s hands go, playing in public, and provoking assault. I just ran away from home to clubs, it was quiet and calm there, they always understood and calmed me down. I didn't enjoy arguing with her. Moreover, in front of my son, who was told “Look, your dad is a drunk,” I was terribly hurt by this, I began to ask my friend to spend the night with me, and this did not deter her, we fought in front of him. Hearing from my parents that I needed to change, quit DJing, find a day job, and then all the problems would end, my mother did not know much about what was happening in the family. But she gave advice and drew her own conclusions. One evening I chose to stay at home with her, left the child with my parents in advance and once again my attempt to get closer to her was unsuccessful, I exploded, got ready to go to the club to get drunk, came home in the morning and made a terrible scandal for her, destroyed everything around, I I remembered all the grievances. After which in the afternoon she packed her things and went to her mother. Realizing that it was getting worse and worse, I calmed down and pulled myself together, tried to bring her home, all to no avail. We talked to her, but she didn’t want to return home. I didn’t do anything but ask her to network and discuss everything. Not at all. Then I decided not to talk but to prove it to her in practice. I left the clubs and went on shift to work in my specialty, thereby giving her time to think, while on shift I quickly began to make a career, the first shift was 3 months, at first everything seemed to be going well, but then I began to notice indifference towards me. Bad thoughts gave me no rest. One day I hacked her home computer. I read the correspondence with her friend, who by the way was my friend’s wife, but got divorced and began to actively communicate with my wife. What aroused my suspicion and attention to the sudden change in my wife’s behavior; after reading the correspondence, I was shocked as a friend straitened my wife against me. Why do you need him? He’s a loser, hasn’t achieved anything, do you need wealthy men, she herself brags about how to sleep with one or the other, and they give her expensive gifts. I finished my watch and rushed home so as not to miss her. Admitted all his mistakes. I learned a lot while on duty. When you are there alone without family. No one needs it. Arriving home, unfortunately, I saw another woman. She even changed her image, all dressed up. I tried for a long time to reach her, which led to her filing for divorce. And later I found out that she has another who has a car and gives her expensive gifts. And my son constantly tells me about his uncle who gives them rides in a cool car. The pain in my soul and sleepless nights are driving me crazy. And in addition, my stepfather left my mother for his mistress, I already have enough of my own, so there are hysterics every day, suicides are just hell. I have become complex, withdrawn, I hate the whole world, I have forgotten how to speak competently, I am afraid of new relationships, I don’t know where to start and where to go. My pride is pricked by the fact that I couldn’t, but someone else could. That someone is sleeping with her. For a whole year now I haven’t been able to find myself anywhere. And we have a son. I want to see him for a walk, but I’m afraid to see her, because my brain immediately raises all the pain, and she behaves and talks as if I’m a loser. I try to behave correctly and contain everything within myself. And she gets impudent. He also reproaches us with alimony for allegedly not paying enough attention to our son. I eat myself from the inside, I don’t notice anyone. I can't listen. It's in my head. I'm holding on. I don't drink. I try to distract myself while working. And now I met a girl 5 years younger than me, I am now on shift myself and she is waiting for me, she calls every day, we communicate and I understand that I cannot behave correctly with her. And talk. Stupid. And I want new life with her, but I’m very closed in moments. She feels it. She gives me support, says that she misses me and she NEEDS me. Help me understand myself. What should I do next, where to go, where to start, what to change in myself, how to become better, I want to give her everything for happiness and not repeat other mistakes. I don't want to hurt her.