One of the greats once said: “Friendship between a man and a woman is always a relationship of either past lovers or future ones.” Are there other options? Is friendship possible between a man and a woman? Or does it not exist at all? And vice versa, what to do if you have a friendly relationship with a man - does this mean that you will never have a romantic relationship.
Between whom is such friendship possible?
Psychologists say: friendship between a man and a woman is still possible.
Moreover, it is not at all necessary that it be preceded by some kind of relationship, or that such a relationship is just being outlined.
This could be friendship between colleagues, friendship with a man whom you have known since childhood (you grew up in the same yard, studied in the same class, went to the same sports section), friendship with your friend's significant other. The main conditions for such friendship: complete certainty in status and the absence of sexual attraction to each other.
Signs of true friendship between a man and a woman
In total, psychologists identify 5 main signs by which you can accurately determine how “real” your friendship is, and whether love and hope for another relationship are hidden behind the screen of friendship.
No sexual innuendo
Friendship between a man and a woman, in which there is room for something more, always has a certain ambiguous background. It seems that you are talking about purely business issues, but no, no, some spark will slip through: a playful half-hint, light coquetry, a compliment “on the verge.”
When you meet such a friend, you always preen yourself, and the man tries with all his might to look better than he really is.
For real friends such games are unknown. You don’t care whether you had time to wash your hair before the meeting, and whether this tracksuit makes you look fat, because friendship is a different level of relationship.
Friendship is when, without any beating around the bush, you can ask directly what he thinks about you. new haircut or your new boyfriend. It is clear that where there is at least some sympathy, this is simply excluded.
Clear delineation of personal life
Firstly, you know each other's statuses. Who is single, who is in a couple, and who is actively searching. If circumstances permit, you will know each other's significant other.
Secondly, this active search happens exclusively outside of your friendship.
Third, you can calmly discuss issues related to your relationship with someone else by asking for advice, receiving adequate guidance, and being comfortable with objective criticism.
If there is room for something else in your friendship, your “friend” will always be biased. Any man who finds himself near you will be convicted of some shortcomings - you need to make room for yourself near you. Such a friend will speak evasively about his personal life, turning everything into a joke or announcing in a dramatic voice that he has not yet met his one and only...
Other women
A free man with whom you have only friendly relations will never be against meeting one of your friends. If your friend asks you: “Do you know if Olya is dating someone now?”, this is an unmistakable sign that you are just a friend for him.
If he responds to all your proposals to introduce him to someone with a refusal in one form or another, this is a reason to think about it.
You're not a priority
Friendships between a man and a woman are usually not as close as those in a man-man or woman-woman couple.
For a male friend, such a reaction would be, to put it mildly, a little “too much.” Of course, if you are real close friends, and not just barely acquainted with each other, he will offer his help, but he certainly will not exchange football for you in the company of friends. Such a friend may well bring you medicine or groceries, but his visit will end in 15 minutes.
If a man flies to you across the whole city with full packages of provisions and a bought-up pharmacy warehouse in order to “support” you and watch some melodrama together, the matter here, most likely, is far from friendship.
A man with whom you have a normal friendly relationship clearly builds a system of priorities, distributing his time and attention according to your status in his life.
And if he is not in love with you, you will receive exactly as much attention as your friend status allows, and no more. After all, he has his own woman who gets the lion's share of his attention, and that's quite normal.
To finally make sure that there is friendship and only friendship between you, you can create a couple of situations in which a man’s true intentions can appear.
Alcohol. Yes, yes, the good old proven method. “What’s on a sober person’s mind...”, remember? Check it out. Surely there will be a reason to celebrate something or just relax at the end of a busy week.
Alcohol and an intimate environment (a deserted office or a secluded table in a restaurant) will unmistakably put everything in its place. If, after drinking, he starts telling you about his failed personal life and showering you with compliments, perhaps there is something more behind his friendship.
If, after a couple of glasses of wine, the conversation turns to a heated discussion of the shortcomings of the recently introduced accounting system, then it is unlikely that he sees you as anyone other than a friend in a female guise.
Of course, this experiment can only be carried out if he is officially free, and you have reason to believe that you are connected by more than just friendship.
Is friendship possible between a man and a woman? Everyone has their own opinion on this. So what do such friendly relationships hide behind, and what does this mean in the future?
There are so many disputes on this topic... But everyone always remains with his “truth” unless he is convinced. Here we will tell you when friendship between different sexes happens, and when one loves, and the other just keeps him in the friend zone.
Is friendship possible between a man and a woman?
Most often, such relationships arise in the following cases:
- At work. A common cause, problems, ideas bring people together, so friendship can arise. It does not appear immediately, but develops quite rapidly. The specificity of the meeting place also gives a white flag for such relationships. There will be less unnecessary conversations here than if you communicate with a member of the opposite sex on the street. For everyone, you are just colleagues!
- After the breakup. If you already had a relationship with a person, but you broke up, because you realized how unsuitable you are in terms of love, an ordinary friendship may appear. Here they are often not excluded for a long time sexual relations, but each partner is given complete freedom. This friendly relationship sooner or later ends when everyone calls their own family.
- With a gay representative. Such people show no interest in opposite sex, therefore, falling in love and trying to drag a friend into bed are excluded here. Such friends have a lot of interests, but such a relationship can be hindered by the condemnation of their couple by others.
- Between relatives. The truest friendship is between brother and sister. And more often not relatives (cousins and beyond). Here it is obvious that pastel scenes are excluded, therefore such relationships are considered the most sincere. A family connection has a special influence on such friendship: there may be characteristic care, genuine interest in events in life, a desire to help, etc.
What does it mean? Signs of same-sex friendship
Clear signs that this is a friend in front of you are:
- Lack of sexual interest. Some remain friends only because they are not outwardly interesting to them. loved one. However, this sign is not always indicative. Nature is such that friendship is friendship, but you always want sex.
- No flirting. A true friend who has no plans for you will not give compliments, will not make cryptic hints, and will not look at you passionately. Here everything is completely different: a clap on the shoulder, jokes about your appearance, etc.
- Employment. If a friend is busy, he can only drop everything and come in exceptional cases - if the situation is really serious. After all, he has his own worries, love passion, etc. Even a lack of mood can cause him to refuse your request, “Come, I’m bored.”
- Everyone pays for themselves. In friendship there is no habit of keeping a friend. Unless he forgot the money, or he is now “at zero.”
- Some indifference. A true friend- this is the one who sometimes ignores your conversations, looking at a striking girl or a slender man passing by nice guy- depending on the gender of the friend. There may be no interest in some other things that are happening in your life (new passion, yesterday's pastime, etc.). All this is normal for ordinary friendship.
Pitfalls of cross-gender friendship
Below you can find out just a few reasons why, as some people claim, friendship between a man and a woman cannot exist:
- Jealousy. if you have love relationship, then your friend of the opposite sex will be like a red rag to a bull for your loved one. It’s also the other way around - your friend’s partner will always whisper nasty things about you so that you don’t communicate anymore.
- Third wheel. This is also a kind of jealousy. But it manifests itself in moments when your friend suddenly develops sympathy for another person. First you try to help them get together, and then you begin to notice how little time your friend begins to spend with you. And then thoughts come to mind: how could such a good me be exchanged for this/that? And vice versa.
- Emerging sympathy. It also happens that people become friends, and everything is wonderful. But suddenly one of them realizes that this is exactly the person he would like to see next to him as a soul mate... Feelings begin to develop into love, which rarely leads to something more. And then communication comes to naught altogether, because too many demands and claims appear on the part of the person who has fallen in love.
- Human nature. Statistics show that in most cases of intersex friendships there was sex between friends. Most often, the “love craving” wakes up precisely in a drunken state. Very rarely such cases result in happy marriage and other favors. Almost always, if friends sleep together, the basis of friendship is destroyed, because mutual disgust arises against the backdrop of what happened. But in some cases everything remains as it is. They are friends, but sometimes sleep with each other. Without obligations. So to speak, friends-lovers.
Friendship or deception?
How can you recognize that the person you are friends with has different, deeper feelings for you, but carefully hides it?
- Willingness to devote all my time to you. Your friend is ready to spend so much time with you that he engages in activities with you that are usually not interesting to other members of the opposite sex: for women - fishing, football, etc.; for men – shopping, manicure, etc. Moreover, your friend does this only with you, but he refuses the rest.
- Lack of privacy. For the reason stated above, the “cheater” cannot build his love relationship, because you occupy all his time. Yes, he doesn’t really want this, because why try for someone who is “not you”?! This type of friend also reacts sharply to your desires to bring him or her together with someone. Excuses will appear even when there are no longer any obstacles to a new acquaintance or relationship.
- Denying that he is interested in you. If a person is trying to prove to you in every possible way (yes, to prove!) that he is cold towards you, do not doubt that in fact the opposite is true. The “deceiver” is used to remaining in the shadows, so he prefers to hide the whole truth. And not just hide it, but do it persistently, sometimes even hysterically.
- "Drunk" truth. To identify a cheater, you can do your own research. To do this you need to be at the right time in the right place. So, when your friend is very drunk, he will definitely begin to strive for his goal - you. Moreover, he will do it so quickly, as if in 10 minutes he will try to compensate for the embarrassment that has always been characteristic of him. Here you will hear about how good you are, how lucky your significant other is, etc. And after drinking a certain amount, you will feel the eagerness of tactile communication with you (touching, stroking, kissing, etc.).
- Arguments in your favor. To your "cheating friend" you are always right! Even if it’s obvious that it’s not, your fault lies on the surface. With all his appearance he wants to show: “No one understands you, I’m the only good one!”
Psychologists' opinion
No psychologist will say unequivocally whether there is friendship between a man and a woman or not, because each situation is individual.
However, experts are quick to give advice to all those who practice such relationships:
- Don't make me jealous. We're talking about your significant other or a friend's partner. Of course, provided that you value your family. It's better to push friendship further away to save a good relationship with everyone. In the end, you should look for a friend first of all in your loved one.
- Don't take advantage of friends who are in love with you. It may be a pleasure for them to do something for you, but you still need to understand what this leads to: he puts all his plans (and himself in general) in second place, just to please you. He also becomes increasingly attached to you, making other people less interesting.
- Don't try to make your friend fall in love with you, if you don’t have any plans for him. Some do it for self-affirmation. But such a maneuver leads to a broken heart and the end of friendly relations.
Video: Friendship between a Man and a Woman. Myth or reality?
We talked about this with expert in the field of interpersonal relationships, practicing psychologist, Yulia Kuzmina.
Maya Milich, “AiF.ru”: Is there friendship between a man and a woman?
Yulia Kuzmina: Friendship between a man and a woman does not exist. Most often, a woman then suffers from such relationships. If a woman is free, then she is in search of her young man, and is always in certain expectations. Starting to communicate with a man, she begins to get used to his presence. A man is designed in such a way that he immediately determines what he wants or does not want from a person. Of course, unless he has a hidden intention to have some kind of on-duty or “weekend” relationship. A man understands himself better, who he needs, and he is more likely to allow a female friend to be close to him. Most often, what a woman calls friendship is more like friendship without obligations for a man.
Even after an affair has already taken place, it is best to transform the relationship into a friendly one and understand that there is no friendship between a man and a woman. There are friendships. You need to understand that an element of friendship is still respect, some kind of interaction.
M.M., “AiF.ru”: So friends of opposite sexes always balance on the brink of falling in love on one side or the other?
Yu.K.: Certainly. You can't command nature. In theory, falling in love can be on both sides, and some things can be completely unconscious. For friendship and respect we are responsible for to a greater extent consciousness, and it lays down some things like: “No, I decided to be alone,” or the girl says: “I’m searching now.” At the same time, a memory of a specific person may still live in her soul, but her soul is already asking for a new object. And when a new harmless object appears who treats her with respect and understands her, then the woman begins to develop a certain inner feeling and desire for that same love.
In addition, friends cannot help but like each other's appearance. Friends are people with whom we unconsciously share interests, outlook on life, temperament or approach to life.
Learning to be friends
M.M., “AiF.ru”: How can a married man properly build his relationship with a female friend so that his wife does not get jealous? That is, to maintain only friendly relations and not allow a woman to become an “alternate airfield”?
Yu.K.: If you are married and you already have a female friend, then at least it is worth clearly understanding that you have already officially decided on your positions regarding each other.
But the fact is that men are somewhat gullible. They believe that if they once agreed with a woman to be friends, then they can tell her about their love and personal affairs, and consult. But, if you have a wife or just a lover, then the main advice to a man is to very carefully, prudently, and from time to time check with your female friend that between you there is friendship and only friendship. It is very important to maintain and maintain distance, so that later there is no “cold” war, so that one day you don’t have to tell a woman friend: “I don’t know what you came up with for yourself.” Because a woman may perceive your friendship as a promise of something more, and in the end it will be you who will become uncomfortable in this relationship, the entire burden of guilt and personal dissatisfaction will be on you.
Every girl, sooner or later, may have the idea that such a wonderful, wonderful man can be more than a friend to her. And the gender mechanism will turn on, flirting will begin. These are all steps in one direction - desire, passion and love.
Therefore, in friendship with a woman, it is important to keep your distance and periodically clarify the format of the relationship, because a woman lives and acts more unconsciously. Therefore, for her, the transition from friendship to love can happen unconsciously and without warning. And if this happens, then it will be you who she will complain about.
M.M., “AiF.ru”: What can friendship with a woman give a man?
Yu.K.: I guess I'll say it now terrible thing, but this is the same thing that communication with a psychologist gives: relaxation, understanding of something that interests a man in a gender issue, emotional support, “swaddling” when, for example, a woman says: “Yes, she didn’t appreciate you. You're so cool".
It's certainly awash in support. Some of what I named can be called the word “vest,” but there are different phases of emotional support, when a man comes and reasons. What do friends usually say? “Don’t worry. Nonsense. She will appreciate you later.” A girl will say the same thing to her friend, but we support our friends.
Of course, friendship with a woman is an expansion of competence. A man, communicating with a female friend, begins to receive more information about the world of women in general. About how to be popular correctly, how to manipulate correctly. We tell it ourselves important secrets about yourself to your male friends. And they, reading between the lines, understand how they can influence us to achieve what they want faster and easier.
“Friendship is not work! Friends don’t have days off!” - A popular children's group sings. “You don’t have to have friends, you have to be friends with them,” says modern folk wisdom. You can't argue with statements when it comes to friendship between two men or two women. But when it comes to opposite-sex friendships between a man and a woman, many questions and many opposing opinions arise. Let's try to figure out this ambiguous question: does friendship exist between a man and a woman?
Psychologists say that friendship between a man and a woman either begins or ends with sex. That is, either a man and a woman were lovers at first, and then for some reason they broke up, but remained on friendly or even friendly terms. Psychologists call this kind of friendship the strongest.
If a man and a woman are friends, but they have not had an intimate relationship, then sooner or later, according to experts, they will. Only in this case, after intimacy, friendship most often comes to an end: either it develops into a love relationship, or there is a complete break in any relationship at all. A more complicated situation arises when they are friends married woman And married man. In this case, the spouses of friends who have crossed the threshold of what is permissible from the point of view of moral principles also suffer.
Psychologists also identify a third type of friendship between a man and a woman, calling it an “unnatural form of relationship.” This is when people like each other, but for some reason they cannot become lovers. Most often, this kind of friendship occurs among work colleagues, associates in some interests or hobbies, as well as between two married couples, the so-called friendship “at home”. Such friendship can be quite long.
At the same time, there are psychologists who believe that “being attracted to each other does not mean being incapable of friendship.” This, in their opinion, is a natural reaction of the body, characteristic of friendship between a man and a woman.
Most men are by nature males, conquerors. They see any woman they find attractive as a potential mate (for the night, for a month, for life). Friendship on their part always has a slight (and sometimes unambiguous) hint of flirtation and a readiness for closeness that is not at all friendly. And women for the most part, on the contrary, can enjoy simple communication. A male friend interests them solely from the point of view of personality, and not from the point of view of gender. However, there are very few men who will simply like to communicate with a woman. This is probably why true friendship between a man and a woman is so rare.
Is there friendship between a man and a woman - everyone answers this question based on personal experience. And for those women who have male friends and want to keep them for a long time, psychologists advise following a number of rules:
Firstly, you must try not to arouse romantic feelings in yourself and your friend. Frequent friendly hugs and kisses, gentle touches, etc. are excluded. You shouldn’t even allow yourself to have romantic dreams about a male friend.
Secondly, it is necessary to avoid ambiguous words and situations. In particular, spend as little time alone as possible, and communicate better with other people. It is also better not to start conversations on too frank topics - they are fraught with danger.
And thirdly, do not give in to jealousy, but respect the privacy of your male friend.
Larisa 32 years old, tourism manager:
Yes, friendship between a man and a woman exists. I know this for sure. I have a male friend (not gay, but a heterosexual man). We met 15 years ago at the institute. There was never a hint of flirting between us, we never made eyes at each other... and were not consoled in hugs. We fell in love with someone, everyone always knew about each other, all the romances were in front of each other. He's like a brother to me. It is important. You can consult with him - get a man’s view of the situation, the problem and all possible help in solving it. He often helps me with absolutely non-standard advice, supports me in difficult situations. He is happily married. Got married not long ago. And I was afraid that my wife would not accept my friend. I was worried that we would stop communicating... But everything worked out, he introduced me to his wife and she, clever woman, perceives our friendship absolutely normally.
Tatyana 31 years old, salesperson:
Yes it exists! But this happens very, very rarely. I have a friend. It’s like with a brother, even to him you can say things that you shouldn’t tell your brother. There can be friendship between a woman and a man if they grew up together. Like mine.
Alina 30 years old, housewife:
In general, my firm belief is that friendship between a man and a woman exists, but either it began with sex, or it will definitely end with it. In any case, there was or will be sex!!! Men have always been friends, but after I got married, I try not to communicate with them, and I don’t make new ones.
Olga 26 years old, lawyer:
I have a man friend! He is the best! There is only friendship between us, but it is very strong. We have been friends for a long time, many years, our other halves too best friends. But true friendship is possible only if you respect certain conditions, there should be no threat of marriage destruction and jealousy, as well as confidence in your loved one and trust!
Ilona 32 years old, housewife:
I am sure that friendship between a man and a woman does not exist, this is not what nature intended. Any friendship will sooner or later develop into something intimate.
Elena 28 years old, teacher:
I believe that intergender friendship does not exist. That's for sure! One way or another, you will experience feelings that are not at all friendly. Tested for myself.
Oksana 32 years old, housewife:
I had and still have male friends. One of them is my godfather, my daughter’s godfather. My husband’s brother is also now my relative. Our friendship in the past has now grown into a family relationship. They are already like brothers to me. What friendship is manifested in is how it should be manifested - in mutual assistance and support.
Julia 30 years old, manager:
I think that there is no sincere friendship between a man and a woman. At least in my experience. All my friendly outbursts with men boiled down to the fact that they needed a continuation, and rare men agree to remain just friends. Although, there is one copy - my husband. He has a lot of women with whom he is friends and helps them, and they help him and they are friends with me.
Larisa 31 years old, housewife:
I think there are friends and comrades, yes. But a friend, just like a girlfriend, with whom you can discuss everything and cry, you won’t get that from a man. I have such friends and comrades from college. We are always happy to see each other; when we meet, we always hug, kiss on the cheek, talk about the brightest and most pleasant moments of our lives, but we never open up. But friendship in the full sense of the word, in my opinion, cannot exist, because... one of the parties will still have some feelings, because a friend is more than a relative, closer than parents, he is nearby for almost 24 hours.
Inga 43 years old, teacher:
I have a lot of male friends. Friendship with everyone is different, it all depends on the man with whom you are friends. It turns out that you are establishing a distance in communication for them, because men still, one way or another, begin to view you as an object with whom they can have more than just friendly meetings. It all depends on the woman herself - whether to let her in or keep her at a friendly distance.
In the vast expanses of the Internet, one quatrain accidentally caught my eye. Unfortunately, the author could not be identified. In my opinion, this little poem very well describes the specifics of friendship between a man and a woman.
When a man and a woman are friends,
Everything is very simple, but incredibly difficult.
After all, many things are practically impossible,
Although, theoretically possible...
Friendship between a man and a woman is possible, but very often a man next to a woman only pretends to be her friend, having completely different views on her. We will not discuss the fact that a woman herself can hide her real interests at the same time - we will only discuss how to bring clean water"man. So, ten signs of deception:
- Present. The “deceiver” (a man who cleverly hides sighs under the guise of friendship) gives large, impressive, generous gifts. With this he hopes to impress your tender heart to the very depths. A true friend (a man who is interested in you as a friend) gives little and modestly. As a friend.
- Help. If a man is ready to help always and with everything, at any time of the day or night, this does not mean anything. But if he is for last month I came to rescue you six times on the Moscow Ring Road, and three times in the dead of night, this is no accident. A man for whom you are just a friend is not ready to spend so much time on you. By the way, he also has his own woman.
- Purchases. A man is happy to walk around with you shopping centers, happily enters every store and nods in agreement when you remember that you need a new handbag? Does he easily agree to do this every weekend? You have no friendship - he just wants to please you. A true friend behaves exactly like a friend. Spends as much time in the store as he can stand and then goes out to breathe fresh air. Because it is customary for friends to respect each other’s interests and not demand complete abandonment of themselves. This is how we men make friends.
- Discussion of men. You can discuss your men with both a “deceiver” and a true friend. The difference is that the “cheater” will always take your side. He will always agree with you and say that “he just doesn’t deserve you.” This is a clever trick - even if everyone is bad, he alone is good, and sooner or later you will notice and appreciate it. A true friend will only be fair. If your man behaved like an asshole, a true friend will say exactly that. If you acted like a fool, a true friend will say so. This is true friendship.
- Apologies. Everyone makes mistakes - they are late for a meeting, they forget to deliver what they promised, they hurt with a careless word. The difference is in the reaction. The “deceiver” rushes to repent as if he were at the Nuremberg Tribunal. He is afraid that now he will lose your trust and communication. Therefore, he is afraid of any mistake he makes, even the smallest one. A true friend will simply apologize discreetly. If the error is serious, it must be corrected. If it’s small, it’s not worth worrying about.
- Drunk. Sometimes friends drink together. And then you can immediately see who is who. If he is a “cheater”, he will start telling you how beautiful you are and how lucky the one who will be with you will be. Then he will talk about his difficult fate. Then he'll go in for a kiss. A true friend will tell you about the upcoming elections and the prospects for hybrid engines. This is more interesting to him.
- Attention. When you are nearby, the “deceiver” pays all his attention to you. From start to finish, you are in the center. Are you cold? Should I bring a cocktail? Did you notice that picture over there? You look great, by the way! A true friend remembers that besides you, there is also him. Therefore, you will get exactly half of his attention.
- Women. A true friend is interested in other women in your company, he is curious about the idea “you need to meet Nastya!” (if, of course, he is free). The “deceiver” rejects all proposals - softly or harshly, but always definitively.
- Communication. A true friend communicates with you like a real friend - relatively rarely, and more often not face to face, but through remote channels (ICQ, telephone, VKontakte). This is because he has other interests, among which he distributes his attention. The “deceiver’s” main interest is you. Therefore, he is ready to spend as much time with you as possible.
- Sex. The “cheater” wants sex with you, but is afraid that you will understand it. Therefore, he proves in every possible way that he is interested in you not as a woman, but as a person. A true friend remembers that you are a woman and, in principle, allows sex between you, but “in some special case.” He is interested in you, first of all, as a person.
If you can clearly identify three or more points in a man’s behavior, you have a “cheater” in front of you. Next, it’s up to you to decide. In fact, a man’s interest in you as a woman is not a minus for a man at all, and rather speaks of his good taste. Well, and the fact that he hides this interest of his - think about it, maybe it’s too dangerous to discover him next to you?