This book, first published in 1890 in St. Petersburg, contains rules of etiquette intended for the upper classes Russian society the end of the 19th century. The book consists of four sections, which describe in detail: the behavior of a secular person in society (from the first appearances to the art of dressing); device home life(from furnishing the premises to major events in the family); life outside the home (which describes how to behave in church, in the theater, when traveling, etc.); life at court, containing the rules and customs necessary when communicating with reigning persons. In conclusion, writing etiquette and rules of behavior for men in society are given. Despite the fact that the book is addressed to representatives of the noble class, the rules contained in it are perceived as an example of grace, sophistication, and sophistication characteristic of the period of the “Silver Age” of Russian culture. Therefore, the book will be of interest to both professional historians and cultural experts, and a wide range of readers who want to become familiar with the values, norms and traditions of pre-revolutionary Russia.
“A man is always obliged to help a woman in difficulty - no matter whether she is old or young, beautiful or ugly. In response to her expression of gratitude, he raises his hat and immediately leaves; to impose his company would be indelicate, and would have the appearance of payment for the service provided.
It is awkward for a woman to refuse these small favors, or accept them as courtship. This would serve as a sign of stupid pride if she decided to interpret any kindness in this direction, just as if a man mistakes a woman’s simple politeness for personal predilection for him.”
Here! Wonderful guide! How many misunderstandings, reproaches and even broken hearts could have been avoided... It would seem, what could be simpler?.. But, alas!.. As in the song: “But a woman’s heart is more tender than a man’s...” Again, our imagination is our god didn't offend. We come up with ideas ourselves, then we suffer...
Pictures: Oscar Blum
Description of the engagement and the period before the wedding in the book "Life in the world, at home and at court", St. Petersburg, 1890
Here’s how: “A young man who has chosen his future wife will do it prudently if, before the proposal, he is convinced that the girl herself and her family will willingly become related to him; It also doesn’t hurt to make accurate inquiries about the dowry, so that later you don’t offend your chosen one with involuntary disappointment. We are talking here about prudent marriages, in which love and reason are given an equal share.
With the proposal, the man turns to the father and the girl, and not to her mother. If the groom is pleasant, then the parents, of course, give their consent. The bride is not present during negotiations regarding the dowry and other business matters.
After accepting the proposal, both families notify their relatives, friends and acquaintances about the upcoming marriage of their son and daughter. Having received such a notice, it should be responded to with warm congratulations...”
If the girl agrees, her chosen one needs to ask the parents for their daughter’s hand in marriage, as it was beautifully called in the old days. Usually the daughter's chosen one is already familiar with the future father-in-law and mother-in-law. Good relations are established between the groom and the bride's parents. And if a young man decides to declare his intention to get married, this can be done in a relaxed manner when meeting with his parents over a glass of wine. It is highly undesirable for such a step to come as a surprise to the girl’s parents. It is always better if the daughter talks to her parents first, so that if they have doubts, they can express them in a timely manner.
If the girl’s future groom is not yet acquainted with the parents of his chosen one, then in this situation a “courtesy visit” to the bride’s family is quite appropriate. As a rule, the girl herself is not present, since at this time it is customary to negotiate about financial matters.
If the young man meets the requirements set by the girl's parents, then they invite him to visit them again and set a day for him to visit. An important point in preparing for the visit is a clear agreement with the parents on the specific time of the visit. The potential groom (preferably with a bouquet for his future mother-in-law) must appear exactly at the appointed time. It is necessary to prepare for the fact that the visit may last slightly longer than usual; At the same time, the young man should not abuse the courtesy and time of his future relatives. At the appropriate moment, he must delicately ask permission to take his leave.
After this, the bride and groom first pay a visit to his parents. In this case, they dress smartly; the bride’s dress must certainly be light
The bride's visit to the house of the future husband's parents, in terms of its etiquette standards, is not much different from the tradition of inviting the groom described above. The only important nuance of this situation is that the girl is visiting her future relatives, accompanied by a young man. 
If the invitation has already been accepted, it is unacceptable not to attend the meeting. The deadline when it is not too late to refuse a dinner party is two days before the scheduled meeting, and during the conversation you must give a good reason for the refusal. If the promise is still not kept, it is necessary to explain to the inviting party as quickly as possible in the most correct way.
The duration of the bride's visit to the groom's house is not regulated by etiquette, so in this matter the girl must show maximum tact and insight.
The bride's acquaintance with the groom's parents can also take place outside the home, for example, while visiting the theater together or on a walk. In this case, the atmosphere of the meeting will be much more relaxed.
One cannot fail to mention one delicate detail that must be taken into account when communicating with the parents of the future husband. An important detail of family etiquette is right choice specific appeals that will appear in a conversation with parents. This seemingly insignificant issue can often develop into a serious communication problem.
When communicating with the parents of your future spouse, you should not allow yourself to use familiar language from the very beginning, since after the wedding it will be very difficult to rebuild your communication style. To avoid awkward situations, it is best to follow a neutral path, addressing parents by their first and patronymic names.
If the parents live in another city, then the future spouses can notify them of their intention by letter.
At the ball
Girls begin to go out into the world no earlier than 18 years of age. From this age they begin to accompany their mothers on visits, help them receive them at home and attend balls.
At the ball, decency requires that the master of the house and his sons dance at least once with all the dancing ladies. This duty cannot be violated; First of all, the most important ladies are invited.
There is also an indispensable rule that the invited young man dance first of all with the mistress of the house or her daughter; only after that can he invite other ladies, starting with those in whose houses he is received. (I don’t quite understand this rule; it turns out that if there are fewer dancers than gentlemen, then someone will never dance? Strange...)
The dancing girl must accept without choice everyone who invites her; under the pretext of fatigue, refusing one, and at the same time accepting another, she risks incurring significant troubles. In the same way, it is careless and risky to forgetfully confuse the gentlemen and, having promised one, to dance with the other; although this often happens completely involuntarily, it may seem offensive to the forgotten, it is better, if possible, to avoid any misunderstandings that produce pleasant experience.
A young man who invites a lady and forgets to look for her before the dance begins is unforgivably rude and exposes himself to the danger of being insulted by the lady's father or companion. A good memory is essential at the ball.
During the waltz, you should stop for a minute's rest not far from the place of the dancing lady.
A young man attending a ball must certainly be able to dance; nothing can be more unpleasant for yourself and those around you than mixing up the figures of a quadrille or lancier. It is torture for a woman to waltz with an incompetent gentleman. Those who don’t dance would do better if they completely refuse the invitation to the ball, where, not participating in the general fun, they will only be a burden to the owners of the house. When dancing, the gentleman should not hug his lady if she is a girl, but his hand should touch the middle of her back at the bottom of the waist with his palm. I dance with a married woman, you can put your arm around her waist. It is very vulgar to waltz without holding your lady's hand or holding her hand to your side or flying away. (Interesting point, if you remember how they dance in Polites). The lady holds a handkerchief or fan in her hand, placed on the gentleman’s shoulder. Having invited the lady in advance, the gentleman approaches her at the first bars of the dance and bows; she gets up and accepts his offered right hand in order to get to the place where they will start dancing. The gentleman always takes his lady with his right hand; in quadrilles she always stands to his right. At the end of the dance, the gentleman again offers the lady his right hand and takes her to her place, bows, she also bows to him, sits down, and the gentleman immediately moves away.
Young men should not touch their lady’s fan, scarf, or bouquet: this is too familiar, indecent and puts the girl in an awkward position. If a man accidentally breaks a woman’s fan, no matter whether she is young or old, he must, after apologizing and asking permission, put it in his pocket, and the next day send a new one, if possible similar to the broken one, and even better, but not too magnificent, so as not to offend a woman with inappropriate generosity. A very expensive fan that cannot be replaced should be repaired by a skilled craftsman.
Girls sit at the ball with their mothers, or the elderly ladies accompanying them, and should never choose a seat away from them, much less in another room.
Also, they do not go to the buffet alone with their gentlemen, but are always accompanied by their mother. Secular decency requires that not a crumpled flower from a headdress or a scrap of dress be left in the ballroom. Persons with intelligence and tact leave the ball in the same fresh suit as when entering the hall. Confused flowers, burst corsages, etc. Testify to sudden movements, disorderly dancing, and a visible lack of modesty and restraint.
A girl who is not invited by anyone should not be visibly angry about this, but try to start a conversation with her neighbor so as not to let her embarrassment be noticed. One of the duties of the mistress of the house is to provide gentlemen to ugly and independent ladies. This responsibility requires tact and delicacy. First of all, in this case, they turn to their closest friends. It is also necessary that the girl does not guess about such a violent invitation and does not feel her pride is offended.
Neither ladies nor gentlemen take off their gloves at the ball and never dance without them.
Whispering and laughing with a gentleman behind a fan is a sign of very bad taste.
It is not customary to dance with the same person more than three times during the evening, unless it is the bride and groom, or if the dancing does not take place in the closest circle.
At the entrance to the ball, the father leads his daughter by the arm, and the son leads his mother; father and daughter enter first. In no case should a young girl enter arm in arm with a young man, even with the groom; her brother and his friend and, in general, any young man bring in the mother, and after her, if there is no elderly companion, the young girl follows alone; if the brother and his friend are accompanying her, then she takes her brother’s hand. If there are two daughters, then the father enters arm in arm with the mother, and the girls follow them.
Of course, it is better if the owners introduce the ladies to unfamiliar gentlemen who want to dance with them; but sometimes this proves inconvenient or impossible, and in such cases it would be undue scrupulosity to refuse strangers. You can also sit through this all evening without dancing. However, at evenings in casinos, on the water, or at informal balls, girls should be too strict in choosing gentlemen and not compromise themselves by dancing with the first person they meet. They just need to be able to put their refusal into a soft, delicate form. Without a performance they dance only with officers, famous officials, and so on, whose uniform indicates their position in society.
At such meetings, decent young men do not dare to invite a girl they do not know and always try to be introduced to her through a mutual friend. If one is not found, then the person who wants to meet introduces himself to the girl’s parents, giving them his business card; but such an act means very strong desireпознакомиться.
The girl should talk to her gentleman during breaks in the dance, but without familiarity or much animation; the conversation usually revolves around the most ordinary objects of daily life, and the slightest slander must be very carefully avoided.
It is indecent for girls and boys to play any kind of games, and it is better if they do not even approach the gambling tables at all.
Performances require great tact: they have many almost imperceptible shades, the observance of which is a whole science.
A woman should never express a desire to meet a man, much less be introduced to him, unless she intends to ask him for some favor.
Before introducing two people, you need to ask each separately if he wants this. However, sometimes performances happen completely unexpectedly, impromptu.
A young person is always presented as an elder, a lower-ranking person as a superior, a man is presented to a woman, and never vice versa, except if the man is a high-ranking or clergy person.
Usually (of course, there are exceptions) a daughter does not introduce men to her parents, and a wife does not introduce men to her husband; the husband, on the contrary, introduces his friends to his wife, and the son to his parents. High-ranking officials are not introduced to anyone unless they wish to do so. Among equals, the first to introduce their relatives is that a husband introduces his wife to a lady of the same circle, and a daughter can introduce her mother to an elderly person, if the need arises.
Culture of behavior in the theater or at a concert
In the theater it should behave in the same way decently and well-mannered, as in a high-society drawing room. "Life in the world, at home and at court"
Going to the theater is such a rare event for some people that it may even seem extraordinary. A person is afraid of an unfamiliar environment, and therefore begins to get nervous. However, knowing the basic rules of etiquette, you can be sure that you will pass for not just a cultured and educated person, but even a regular at cultural events.
The first thing you start to think about before going to the theater is wardrobe. And it often happens that you need to go to the theater immediately after a working day, without being able to go home to change clothes. No problem: just when going to work, try to dress up your business suit more festive look. For a man, a dark suit, light shirt, and tie are required. A woman puts on an elegant dress or suit.
For young girls Light shades of dress are preferable. At ceremonial performances, dresses are cut out with short sleeves. For ladies sitting in the stalls, it is preferable black dress. And as one of the rules, the less attention you pay to yourself, the better.
When going to the theater as a couple, it is better to coordinate your outfits. If you go by invitation, then the suit for men should be a tuxedo, and for ladies - evening dress. In the winter season, a lady should take her shoes with her to change into them in the theater. Strong odors should be avoided. This applies not only to eau de toilette, but also to the food consumed before going to the theater. 
It would be ideal to come to the theater 15-20 minutes before the start performance. When entering the theater foyer, a man must take off his headdress, then help the lady undress, and only then undress himself.
To the auditorium The man enters first. But the first lady is moving towards the place indicated on the ticket. You should walk between rows facing those sitting. Friends in the hall greet with a slight nod of the head, smile, give a hand only to those who are in close proximity to you. It is indecent to talk to friends across several rows, as well as to call out to them.
If suddenly your the place will be taken, under no circumstances should you borrow anything else. The person whose place you took will be in an awkward position. Just show your tickets and politely ask the people in your seat to check theirs. If difficulties arise, for example, two tickets were sold for one seat, you should contact the attendant for clarification of the situation.
If your seats are in the stalls, amphitheater, or dress circle, then you should take them no later than the third bell. When the seats are located in the middle of the row, it is better to take them in advance, and if on the edge, then you can wait a little so that the audience is seated in the middle. You need to sit straight and calm. It is indecent to occupy two armrests.
Those who were late for the performance Seats located on the sides are waiting. Or you will have to stand at the entrance waiting for intermission. The main and first condition in the hall when watching a performance is silence. Respect for the public who wishes to listen to a work of art requires silence and calm in the hall. Anyone who doesn’t know the performers should take the poster and read it. All the attention of the audience during the action on stage should be concentrated there, on the stage, and not on the auditorium in search of acquaintances or looking at toilets. If you want to express your approval, you can resort to loud applause, but this is mostly the job of men.
This is what was written in the brochure “Life in the world, at home and at court” published in St. Petersburg in 1890 from the “Library of Practical Information” series about the intricacies of correspondence - feelings, the expression of which is allowed in letters, decorum that must be observed.
"A young girl never writes to a man, even on behalf of her parents; it is best if not a line written by her is in the hands of a man who is not her relative or who is not yet completely old. A self-respecting woman should not correspond with a man who is not her husband or a close relative. To step beyond this strict rule and enter into correspondence with some bright star of the male intelligentsia, while indulging in completely innocent and purely intellectual pleasure, can only an independent woman, possessing impeccable morality, having no husband, no children, no family and afraid of losing herself in public opinion.
The letter must be written cleanly, neatly, clearly, without blots, which are allowed only in correspondence between close friends. Handwriting, letter folding, shape, quality and type of paper - all these seemingly little things determine the age, position and character of the writer. The style of the letter testifies to his tact and secularism.An attentive observer can recognize the true character of a man, and even more so of a woman, by handwriting; just as the expression of the eyes belies the words that are sometimes spoken, the handwriting belies the syllable of the letter. Therefore, the art of correspondence does not lie in one syllable alone: only a truly well-bred, decent person knows how to coordinate his handwriting with his syllable.”
Letters always begin with a response to the letter received, and if there was none, then with a few words related to last meeting correspondents. First, you should write about the person to whom the letter is intended, and touch on subjects that may interest him, and then you can tell about yourself, describe your surroundings and the way you spend your time, in conclusion, again turn to the personality of the correspondent, ask about various circumstances that have attitude towards him, and then express a desire to see him soon.
Guided by the desire to talk as little as possible about oneself, one should not, however, go to the extreme and fillhis message by mere repetitions of his correspondent's letter.
When writing letters to persons of higher social status and senior age, it is indecent to express brevity that does not actually exist in personal relationships.
To interest your correspondent, you need to express your opinion in a letter, discuss what he has written as if in a live conversation, then talk about what he does not know, and satisfy his curiosity and friendly concern by reporting about your own affairs. As Madame de Sevigne said: “Your letter should open to me your soul, not your library.”
In correspondence one must avoid witticisms and ambiguities and very soften expressions; The written transmission of thoughts has a big drawback, not having the ability to convey the intonation of the voice and facial expression of the writer. And everyone knows how important tone and look are in a conversation. You can read the same phrase in ten different intonations, and each time it will have a new meaning.
Therefore, you need to write with the greatest caution and be very lenient about the information provided in the letters you receive.
You must always remember that spoken words are spoken into the wind and no traces remain of them, otherwise “What is written with a pen cannot be cut out with an axe.” A cautious person will never dare to slander anyone in writing and will never allow himself to express too harsh opinions that could later turn to his detriment. Gossip and gossip should be completely excluded from correspondence; It is difficult to imagine how many troubles and even misfortunes one careless word can cause, for a remark in one letter immediately gives rise to comments and is conveyed in another as something completely reliable. If people were prudent, then, before sending a letter, everyone would ask himself whether it could be read aloud publicly without him having to blush for something written in it. Too much writing ruins people even more often than too much talking. Therefore, cunning people always write very little, while frank and simple people write a lot, for which they sometimes have to pay. First trips into the world (of a young girl and a young man). )
Dear editors! Very often, to develop stable punctuation skills, a large number of sentences of a certain structure are required. And you always want to have some unfamiliar didactic material. The source of such material is often one or another book that, for various reasons, has not come across before. One of these books was a book called “Rules of Politeness and Social Etiquette,” published by the White City publishing house in 2007. This book, remarkable in terms of printing, with a large number of reproductions of paintings by Russian artists of the 18th and 19th centuries, is a reissue of the book “Rules of Social Life and Etiquette. Good tone", published in St. Petersburg in 1889. The book introduces the reader to the rules of conduct adopted in secular society pre-revolutionary Russia, teaches how to properly behave when visiting, at a reception, wedding, reception, ball, in your own home. It gives advice on housekeeping, raising children, family relationships, and behavior in a variety of life situations. From all these numerous tips and recommendations arises the image of a “secular man” that our students so often encounter on the pages of Russian classics, but is not always completely clear to them. Perhaps this and similar books will fill this gap. At the same time, this book turned out to be filled with a large number of constructions that could be used in Russian language lessons for practical purposes: to practice certain punctuation skills. Get acquainted with a selection of proposals on topics that are traditionally associated with many errors in student work. I hope that these suggestions will help colleagues in purely utilitarian situations and, perhaps, will become material for talking with students about the norms of life that have changed over time, about modern standards life and behavior and about the norms that are accepted among our students. Sincerely, E.N. Violin, |
Unfamiliar didactic material
Dash between subject and predicate
1. Talent is strength; tact - dexterity. Talent is weight, tact is speed. Talent knows what to do, tact teaches how to do it. Talent makes a person worthy of respect; tact earns him respect.
2. The humblest of the fine arts is politeness.
3. Graceful and free manners, complete self-control and tact, easy conversation, smoothly sliding from subject to subject - these are the necessary qualities of a well-bred visitor to receptions and all other meetings in the 19th century.
4. Courtesy is general attentiveness, consideration to everyone.
5. The gift of storytelling is the most beautiful of talents, but also the rarest, although many believe that they possess this gift.
7. Politeness in actions is the same as grace in beauty.
8. To steal the secret of a letter by opening it is low and unworthy of an honest person.
9. The best remedy to thank the hosts for their warm welcome, for their bread and salt and hospitality - to show them your complete readiness to find everything in their home beautiful, comfortable and pleasant.
10. Being able to gracefully enter and exit a carriage is a simple but important quality.
11. To be called a “socialite” is to receive praise.
12. To know secular address means to be able to captivate with all kinds of wonderful qualities: politeness, courtesy, self-control, calmness, delicacy, friendliness, generosity and the like.
13. Not following the rules of decency is a very serious mistake.
14. Politeness is the fruit of good upbringing and the habit of communicating with well-bred people.
15. Allowing yourself to sprinkle your speech with all sorts of words and expressions for the sake of absurd chic means lowering the tone of society and lowering the dignity of the conversation.
16. The main advantages of any narrative are brevity, clarity, simplicity and entertainment.
Separate definitions
1. A rude person violates a social law, which has the same fair requirements as any other law of a civilized society.
2. With persons visiting you, you must always and in all cases be polite and courteous.
3. A bow done correctly, gracefully and beautifully will strengthen your reputation in the living room, an inelegant and ugly bow will undermine good opinion about you.
4. People gifted with lively sensitivity and subtle impressionability are, for the most part, the most tactful.
5. There are a lot of people who speak well. People who know how to listen well are very rare.
6. Persons who do not have the gift of speech should not take on the role of a storyteller and indulge in long narratives.
7. It is much better to limit yourself to the role of listener and only from time to time allow yourself to supplement someone else’s story with some detail missed by the teller.
8. To maintain the cheerful mood of those sitting at the table in some houses, the owners try to seat a guest in the center of the table, distinguished by his cheerful character, wit and ability to speak.
9. To express your joy by laughing too loudly, accompanied by loud clapping of your hands, means to disregard the rules of decency.
10. Never pick up sauce or gravy left on the plate with bread.
11. Special small napkins are also served with tea, tightly starched and folded in four, for placing under glasses and cups.
12. A woman who develops her mind from an early age acquires a weapon against boredom for the future.
13. In a room with a fireplace, the side places near it are considered honorable, and the lower places are those that are directly opposite the fire.
14. The world of the workroom should be a special world, containing everything a person needs for his work: a spacious desk, other tables, a library, comfortable sofas, armchairs, etc.
15. Depending on the needs and desires of the owner, there may be many other items in his office that contribute to a comfortable and peaceful life in the workroom, such as: a bookcase, a movable table for reading books, standing near the sofa or near the desk , manuscripts of all kinds, stored in special cases shaped like books for easy storage in a closet, a stand for land maps and briefcases.
Special circumstances
1. A well-mannered young lady, when in society, listens attentively and respectfully to those speaking, never interrupting them.
2. When talking to a woman, you should always make your voice softer than when talking to a man.
3. Despite the transience of the visit, a secular young man will find time to tell a few news, mention a fashionable opera, throw a couple of witty barbs into the conversation and leave, charming the hosts with his chatter.
4. Every visitor should be satisfied with you and, leaving you, sincerely would like to see you again soon.
5. When a new guest arrives, first turn to the older one and recommend the younger one to him.
6. Soups and other liquid foods should be eaten quietly, without sipping from a spoon, without slurping and, as quietly as possible, swallowing food.
7. It is extremely impolite to sneeze, blow your nose, spit, brush your teeth, wipe sweat from your face, etc. while sitting at the table.
8. When eating fruits with seeds, you need to spit out the seeds inconspicuously into your palm and leave them on the edge of the plate.
9. Keeping an eye on everything, the hostess of the house during the reception should be cheerful, friendly, have time to engage the guests in conversation, answer all their questions and in no way show a shadow of fatigue or constraint.
10. The slightest tactlessness, an insignificant mistake in words and carelessness in expressions show the writer in an unpleasant light, belittling his moral dignity.
11. When you are a guest in someone else's house, you must unconditionally submit in all respects to the habits of the house and not disturb the lifestyle of your hosts with your personal tastes and habits.
12. When you are a guest for a more or less long time in someone else’s house, you need to embarrass your hosts as little as possible, not hang around in front of them every minute and not interrupt their daily activities with your constant presence.
13. Only people with limited intelligence and common people can afford to whistle or applaud while stamping their feet in the theater.
14. When meeting a lady he knows, a man should not stop her on the move, but, joining her, walk along the same road and talk.
15. A young lady, leaving the house with her mother or one of her older relatives who has the right to her respect, should, as far as possible, give way to the elder person on the right side, measure her steps with her steps and offer her a hand, wanting to ease way or to give pleasure.
Complex sentences
1. It is very important that a young man who wishes to acquire the habits, bearing and manners of a man of the world should attend only good society.
2. Etiquette is nothing more than knowledge of decency, the ability to behave in society in such a way as to earn universal approval and not offend human weakness by any of your actions.
3. It usually happens that people who know little talk a lot, and people who know a lot, on the contrary, say little.
4. Interrupting someone’s speech in order to finish the story that the other wanted to tell, no matter how he started it, bad or good, is the ultimate rudeness.
5. A pompous person who is proud of her wallet can never be considered truly decent.
6. When you tell something funny, don't laugh or even smile yourself.
7. A person who himself admires what he says rarely delights others.
8. You can only allow yourself jokes with polite and good-natured people who know how to distinguish a joke from an insult, since there are many people who are always ready to take a joke as ridicule, as proof of disrespect for their personality and can very easily get angry.
9. When you approach the door of the apartment of those you are going to visit, the first thing you need to do is brush off the dust from your dress and wipe your feet on the rug.
10. If after you have rung or knocked two or three times, with some intervals, no one opens, then you should leave and leave your business card with the doorman, having first folded the left corner of it; it means you were in person.
11. Do not introduce people to each other unless you are completely sure that this can be pleasant for both parties.
12. The first places at the table are considered to be those at the end of the table, opposite the end located closer to the doors through which dishes are brought in.
13. The mistress of the house has to monitor the correct course of dinner, and that the servants perform their duties properly, and the guests, so that they do not experience inconvenience or lack of anything during dinner, that everything is served on time, and that the conversation at the table was lively and cheerful.
14. Many very smart and educated people are boring in society because they do not know how to talk about trifles.
15. A person who does not have “conversational change” is like a rich man who does not have small coins and therefore finds it difficult to pay for small expenses.
16. Although a woman is not at all required to enter into scientific or political debates, yet a woman should be so educated and mentally developed as to understand political and scientific conversations.
17. You need to have an understanding of the different styles of painting and sculpture and know at least just by name best artists and their works in order not to make blunders and not show themselves to be completely ignorant when the conversation comes up in society about painting or sculpture.
18. Speaking with tact means never touching a subject that is somehow unpleasant to the person you are talking to.
19. Those inviting guests should remember that true hospitality lies in showing the guest attention, cordiality and hospitality, at the same time trying not to restrict his freedom and giving him full opportunity to spend time at his own discretion, in accordance with his desires and taste. Owners should not forget that each person has his own ideas about fun and pleasure. What one likes, another may not like. Therefore, in order for a guest to enjoy his stay in your house, you must try to find out his taste and, in accordance with it, offer him this or that program of pleasures, but in no case impose on him what you yourself love, but what he, to be maybe he doesn’t love you at all.
20. (Sample apology letter)
Dear Sir A... X...!
Forgive me that it took me so long to respond to your letter, which you honored me with. Don't attribute this to forgetfulness or inattention. It is very regrettable to me that, due to sad circumstances, I could not fulfill my duties exactly and quickly, but delayed for such a long period of time. But now you can rest assured: everything has been completed, everything has been brought to an end, and I hasten to answer your letter. Rest assured that I will try to carry out all your instructions with all possible care.
With respect, Yours
E.N. VIOLIN,
Moscow
About knowledge of the world in general
By knowledge of the world we mean knowledge of secular customs and politeness, and although quite a lot of guidance has been written on this issue, there is still a lot left to be said about it, if not new, then at least useful.
The knowledge of the world prescribes different laws for different positions, ages, duties; These laws are not the same for a society lady and a bourgeois woman, for a young man and an old man, for a young man and a young girl. What would be the height of secular decency for some would seem the height of rudeness for others - and we must not forget that knowledge of the world combines customs with politeness.
Great minds claim that the knowledge of light comes from the heart and does not need to be subject to rules; that grace, dignity, good manners are innate in persons of good society; and you often have to listen to the impudent remark that you will never acquire these qualities at will if you do not possess them involuntarily, by right of birth. Such speech is an insult or vile flattery, since pride and dignity will tell you that there is no point in trying to acquire what you already have, or modesty will inspire you with humble hopelessness. Without a doubt, a certain amount of tact, common sense and feeling are replaced by many people with knowledge of secular rules, and often we are surprised at the observance of decorum by people from whom we least expected it; The three qualities mentioned above seem to suggest what to do and prevent positive violations of secular decorum. This property can simply be called sensitivity of nature.
The heart teaches us to sympathize with the misfortune of our neighbors and treat them with kindness, no matter how we ourselves are positioned: this is the knowledge of the world: common sense forces us to respect merit, no matter what place it occupies in society: this is politeness; tact suggests when we should say goodbye so as not to appear intrusive: this is subject to secular laws.
But just as not everyone belongs to exceptional natures, not everyone has tact, common sense and feeling. - three virtues that are rarely seen even separately, let alone all together - it is better to humbly follow the well-known established rules. Besides, having the most beautiful heart, you may at the same time not know which corner of business cards should be folded as a sign of condolences and which as a sign of gratitude!
It would be a mistake, however, to think that it is necessary to obey the slightest rules of etiquette, and that those who do not comply with these rules deserve contempt. We must be strict with ourselves and strictly adhere to politeness, courtesy, etc., in relations with our neighbors, and in relation to these latter, on the contrary, show the greatest condescension; It must be remembered that many sin unintentionally, but out of ignorance, and offended by the lack of observance of decency in others, I show even less tact than the accused themselves.
You must also be able to avoid petty rules of etiquette that could embarrass the owners of the house, while always observing the greatest politeness towards them. Constant confinement in the circle of public ceremony cools a short relationship: one should, however, strictly observe certain shades, giving the owners of the house more freedom than themselves.
Before moving on to a description of the conditions of life in society and at home, we will say a few words about tact, politeness, decency and customs.
Tact.
Tact is one of the most important conditions for knowledge of light. Like many other things, tact can be developed and there is no need to despair if it is not an innate quality. It is acquired through observation and reflection; these two acts lead to the formation of a judgment and to recognition: from here tact is born. Then it is no longer difficult to become loved and respected by everyone, without offending anyone, showing favor to everyone, and, without having a great mind, to be known as a well-mannered and sweet person. Tact and prudence in many cases replace education and even heart.
By the way, a gift given, a courtesy expressed in a timely manner always has a double price; on the contrary, being irrelevant, they lose all meaning.
It must be admitted that he who has highest degree knowledge of society and decency, he is not only an elegant, dignified, polite person, but at the same time he is patient, condescending, kind to inferiors, respectful to superiors, he is sensitive, he never offends anyone. A woman who has this knowledge always enjoys a good reputation, never violates decency, and is not forced to talk about herself. She has friends, and what’s more, friends: she knows how to raise her children; Her house is peaceful, calm. decent; she has no need to be young and beautiful, she is always graceful and involuntarily charms everyone who approaches her.
It is difficult to establish unchanging rules for various circumstances of life, since the course of action often depends on the situations in which people find themselves.
What is impermissible in one case will be decent in another, depending on the individual, age, position and situation.
Circumstances govern actions. Sometimes you should act in accordance with the strictest etiquette: sometimes your heart and common sense are the best advisors. Tact is the leader of everything; Possessing it, you will always find a way out of the difficulty.
Tact is not exactly the same as common sense, although it follows from the latter; this is a refined feeling, as if of a second sight, indicating where and when to stop, what is indecent to say, and what, on the contrary, will make a pleasant impression on the interlocutor.
So you suggest how you should dress on various occasions: diamonds are appropriate for visiting a friend who is proud of you; a modest toilet is necessary for a visit to one who loves to excel. There are many almost imperceptible shades that one learns to notice tactfully, forming the most charming character in home and social life.
There are individuals with a heart of gold and many virtues, but at the same time extremely awkward. Let us add that for the most part they have enough insight to notice their awkwardness when it is already too late, and trying to correct the mistake, they increase it even more.
Such personalities will certainly manage to touch your sensitive string; you attract them like a magnet to a sore spot, carefully hidden from prying eyes.
"Politeness is to the mind what beauty is to the face. "Voltaire
By knowledge of the world we mean knowledge secular customs and politeness. Politeness as a social virtue is necessary for us in order to be useful and pleasant to others. It is obligatory in social life as well as in business and in life relationships in general. Without it, any relationship with people becomes impossible.
Politeness is a quality that we learn and should teach our children, just as we learn to speak correctly and dress with taste. Labrussiere said that " one must have very outstanding qualities in order not to need politeness".
Secular and social relations between men and women - obey one general rule which consists in the indispensable observance of politeness, courtesy and tact, and in the absence of selfishness: guided by this, it is easy to get on the real road.
Entering the world is an event in the life of a young girl that makes her heart beat faster and her cheeks flush with excitement.
Girl begins to go out into the world at the age of 16 to 20 years, depending on her development and also on certain circumstances relating to her mother and older sisters, she begins to go to theaters, to receptions, balls and dinners, makes all visits with her mother and receives meals with her guests at home
Between husband and wife, brother and sister, uncle and niece, cousin and cousin, the distance created by the difference between the sexes should always be felt: on the one hand, modesty and restraint are necessary, on the other, respect and consideration.
A man becomes rude and wild as soon as he ceases to be polite and attentive. That is why familiarity and complete freedom in friendship can exist between men or women, but are unthinkable between a man and a woman. Let us add that it is precisely this slight embarrassment and restraint that gives a special charm to their mutual relationship.
A decent person can only be called one who has nothing to hide from anyone, and who has no reason to blush for a single action in his life. A prudent married man should not make friends outside his home: he does not need them, and besides, he knows that such visits involve him in elements alien to family life.
Nevertheless, all men, relying on their strong character, consider themselves entitled to have such friends whom they do not dare introduce to their family. From such relationships, however, serious troubles often arise.
When visiting a theater, those who take a box and invite acquaintances into it give up the front seats to these latter. If the two invitees are strangers to each other, then they both sit in front; if they are members of the same family, then only one of them should take advantage of this courtesy, and the other should resolutely refuse.
When walking with her husband and another man, on the street or in the garden, a woman should walk between them: it goes without saying that she walks arm in arm with only one: walking arm in arm with both is extremely ridiculous and ugly. The front seats in the theater are always given to ladies, no matter how respectable the age of the men accompanying them. But in the box of some princess, the minister sits in front of the princess's lady of state, no matter how noble they are. Etiquette requires it.
Having seen friends at the theater, it is indecent to make signs to them, much less call them; they simply bow slightly without getting up; if it's very important person- he should stand up respectfully. During intermissions, men approach familiar ladies, no matter where they are sitting.
If the ladies are without a gentleman, you should offer to show them to the foyer and see them off when leaving. It is forbidden to offer food to strangers if there is no close acquaintance at home, or if they are not relatives. But if a man accompanies ladies to the theater, on the contrary, he should offer them ice cream, soft drinks or sweets.
It goes without saying that a man accompanying a woman, be it his wife, relative or acquaintance, should not leave her to talk with other women or offer them his services. During the intermission, he is allowed to leave for a few minutes and exchange a few words with a friend in the foyer; but he has no right to stay with other women he knows. If other men come to the box to talk for a few minutes with his lady, he can use this time to see his acquaintances, but must return before his companion is left alone.
A woman is considered to have lost her position in society from the moment she entered into a reprehensible relationship with a man,
A married woman and a widow can go to church, shop and make visits alone.
A woman who has a husband should not go to balls, the theater or dinners without him; if he does not like going out, she is condemned to share his solitude, of course, if she does not have a fiancee’s daughter: in the latter case, the mother is obliged to take her daughter out.
For For the first ball it is customary to dress a young girl in a light, simple, white suit, with a daisy or a pink bud in her hair and a blue or pink ribbon belt. No jewelry, except perhaps a string of pearls. The hairstyle should be simple, without frizzy curls and, especially, without frizzy hair. The corsage should not be too low-cut.
If a girl has a father, then he leads her into the hall by the hand, introduces her to his old friends, and the gentlemen who want to dance with his daughter are introduced to him.
A young girl showing up to the first ball in a pink dress, trimmed with flowers and ribbons, with gold necklaces and bracelets, would make an extremely unpleasant impression.
From the day the girl first appeared in the world, visitors left business cards for her in the same way as for her mother; In the invitation notes they invite her to evenings and dinners.
The first trip into the world of a young man, just left school. First of all, when appearing at a ball for the first time, he must take extreme care of his costume, be it a tailcoat or a uniform; boots, gloves, hat, tie, hairstyle - everything must be impeccable. Whatever the moral and mental qualities of the young man, he must forget about them and remember that at the ball he is only a dancer and an amiable gentleman. Therefore, he should try to be as attentive as possible to the owners of the house and to his ladies with whom he dances; his helpfulness to ladies young and old, beautiful and ugly, poor and rich, testifies to his excellent upbringing and refinement of feelings.
A woman should avoid receiving social acquaintances in her bedroom; a young girl cannot afford this under any pretext; Only a doctor, a close elderly relative, or a priest enters the bedroom, and then only if the patient cannot get up.
The first woman never asks a man about his health; and only after he inquired about how she was feeling did she ask him about the same thing, but in passing.
When a woman meets a man she knows on the street who will have the tactlessness to stop her or walk next to her, she must immediately invent an excuse to leave him, either by going to a store or taking a carriage.
In public places, women preferentially sit on the side where fewer people pass by. When leaving a carriage, even a public one, a woman can accept help from a complete stranger and thank him with a kind word.
.Dear person does not compromise a woman, but on the contrary, makes her respect her too. But there are people whose mere acquaintance spoils a woman’s reputation. As absurd as this may seem, it is a fact. Neither age nor position means anything here: it’s all about a person’s decency.
A woman accepts the services and courtesy of her gentleman, whether he is her husband or just an acquaintance. She is polite, grateful, but at the same time reserved. She does not force herself to ask, but takes for herself by right the best places everywhere and the best pieces at the table: a woman is a slave who forces herself to be served, a man is a master who obeys. Her room should be the best in the house. Failure to do all this shows contempt on the part of the husband.
A man is always obliged to help a woman in difficulty - no matter whether she is old or young, beautiful or ugly. In response to her expression of gratitude, he raises his hat and immediately leaves.
It is awkward for a woman to refuse these small favors, or accept them as courtship.
A decent woman will never agree to visit a man who has not introduced his wife to her.
During visits, a woman cannot say goodbye and leave with one of the visitors, so as not to give rise to slander; a man should not do the same to a woman.
A young man should not offer a bouquet or flowers to a young girl unless she is his bride, or a friend of the bride for whom he is best man. However, on occasion, he can offer a flower or a bouquet to the girl’s mother and herself.
While walking with the ladies, a man can buy bouquets on the street, but with the purpose of presenting them to all his companions. He should never allow a woman of his circle to buy a bouquet in his presence; he should hurry to pay for it, and the lady should not interfere with him, but out of delicacy, she will do better if she does not want to buy flowers, knowing what this obliges her gentleman to.
Tact is the head of everything: having it, you will always find a way out of difficulties.
Tact is not exactly the same as common sense, although it follows from this latter, it is a refined feeling, as if of second sight, indicating where and when you need to stop, what is indecent to show, and what, on the contrary, will make a pleasant impression on your interlocutor. In the world, tact serves as an enormous resource; he alone can lead a person far: but one should not, however, assume that tact is not needed in the family circle.
Tact, as a feeling, cannot be defined; it is something elusive. For this reason, rude characters do not notice it, and only selected impressionable natures know its value.
Sometimes tact is given to a person without education and wealth, and at the same time, people who are placed very highly are deprived of it.
What should one do in certain cases? widow, or single woman with no family. It is obvious that there are many difficult circumstances from which one can get out only with the help of great tact and deep knowledge of secular customs. For a single woman there are three very different situations: she either does not marry at all, in other words, remains an old maid, or becomes a widow, or separates from her husband.
In conversation she should be very reserved, and she is never given primacy in the ceremony of social etiquette. A young widow must live with her husband’s family during the entire period of mourning; this is mandatory; if she is very young and if the parents of the deceased do not have other children, she should live with them until she remarries.
If she has children, she can live alone.
A single woman is not obliged to give dinners in return for those to which she is invited. At the same time, she should not be too secluded, and those people with whom she is not very close, she should show hospitality by receiving them in her home, if she herself intends to visit them. She can invite men to her dinners and evenings, who will then pay her a visit on her reception day.
At any age and in any position, however, it is absolutely impossible for a woman to be alone at evenings or at the theater. Therefore, in this case, it is quite decent to accept the services of a relative, friend, sometimes even a friend of one of them.
source Book "Life in the world, at home and at court": rules of etiquette intended for the upper strata of Russia" (1890, St. Petersburg http://antikclub.ru/load/club_collektors/books/1/31-1- 0-890
Rules of etiquette for the upper strata of Russia. Part 2
From the book "Life in the world, at home and at court" 1890, St. Petersburg- pay attention, friends, how deep a meaning was put into the concept of secular etiquette in the times of the nobles, but even now these laws are not outdated, and now we can observe upstarts and arrogants “clinging” to power, and even from the “elite” “Vulgarly familiar behavior is not uncommon. At first it is difficult to read due to the symbols of the old font, but then you get used to it and everything becomes intelligible.
Nothing requires such a deep knowledge of the world as social relations.
In a strict sense, it concerns only the relations between different classes of society, and we constantly meet people who show in this subject the greatest tactlessness.
I was received by an important person who I asked for a favor, would you advise me to bow to him when I meet? and can I talk to him?
— Our answer was: no, because your relationship is fleeting, and the difference in rank does not allow you to hope for equality between you. If this person wishes to recognize you, then he will do so himself; One should not boast about this very fragile acquaintance, which arose due to mere chance.
The properties of relationships depend on the causes that gave rise to them. Thus, an acquaintance established in a salon on the basis of equality, as a result of the mutual desire of the parties, and without any other reason other than mutual sympathy, is simply called secular relations. If after the first date an invitation comes from any party, it is responded to with a visit and a similar invitation; exchange cards, invitations and all kinds of pleasantries, within the framework of secular decency
If the basis of the acquaintance is some kind of interest, and if the mutual introduction occurred at the request of the interested party, then this is already not a secular relationship: a high-ranking person is paid a visit, but he is not obliged to pay it back or leave his card.
Business relations do not require any personal courtesies. Outside the office, office or store, acquaintance ceases, whatever the situation in society.
They say talent and intelligence replace wealth and nobility. This is absolutely fair, but along with talent and intelligence it is also necessary to have common sense and a sense of self-worth. It happens that a music teacher considers herself equal to the duchess, meanwhile, it may turn out that the musician does not have not only a title, but also talent, while the duchess has both nobility and talent, but does not boast about them.
Most people adhere to the rules of etiquette out of decency and habit: from modesty about oneself and from respect for people. Indeed, a modest and kind person unconsciously understands all shades of secular connections, whatever his position in society.
So, the most important and titled boss must always be kind and polite to his subordinates; the subordinate, in turn, if he does not have inappropriate pride, should know that he has no need to be afraid of being too respectful. Respect, modesty and politeness do not have anything low or bad in themselves, and they should not be confused with servility, as many do by mistake.
True sophistication consists in observing the greatest politeness in everything, down to the most insignificant details.
A woman agrees not to be considered a beauty, on the condition that she be called sophisticated; many people are ready to admit that they are neither rich nor noble, knowing that their sophistication completely replaces gold and coats of arms; finally, both intelligence and talent need sophistication just as it is necessary for beauty, wealth and nobility. Therefore, whoever really wants to be refined must observe the most refined politeness in his social relations. (Golden words!!!)
Many upstarts, eager to show off their secular manners, often justify their careless nods to friends when meeting, their gritted responses to the politeness of persons below them in the social hierarchy, and their vulgar familiarity with their superiors by the fact that they imitate models from the highest circle; but we can argue that these examples are completely devoid of tact and good taste, and unfortunately, they are found in all strata of society. It is not enough to be born a prince to have knowledge of the world, and a working woman who knows her place is much smarter in this case than a high-society lady who rattles off her titles.
Knowing your place is what’s hard! What would happen if an employee did not recognize the primacy of his boss, soldier-officer, child-parents? (Has socialism come out?) Let everyone take his place, and social relations will cease to be confused and spoiled by envy, jealousy, vanity and pride.
To receive an insult from an old man and not think about taking revenge on him does not mean humiliation; they forgive him because of his age and gray hair; in the same way, bowing under the blessing of a bishop or before the title of marshal.
You should never publicly impose your company on a high-ranking person, especially if he is with people of his own circle. Much more pride lies in trying to avoid shame by keeping in the background than trying to take first place.
In general, in all relationships between people, even the closest and most friendly ones, you need to avoid intrusiveness, but on the contrary, try to get others to seek your company. But without being intrusive, at the same time you need to express it to the extent of friendliness and cordiality.
In all public relations, restraint, forbearance and politeness are necessary.
A chatterbox, an envious person, an ill-wisher, a curious person is not only capable of quarreling best friends, causing the greatest misfortunes, making innocent people suffer, but cannot even hope to have friends.
How many troubles and even misfortunes can be caused by one careless word, sometimes spoken without any malicious intent!
Then, all that remains is to follow the rules of etiquette and social life in order to exist in peace and contentment, making those around us as happy as we ourselves.
Complete modern encyclopedia of etiquette Yuzhin Vladimir Ivanovich
Rules of courtesy
Rules of courtesy
The way to behave in society, the external form of behavior, treatment of other people, expressions used in speech, tone, intonation, characteristic gait, gestures and even facial expressions - all this is called manners.
Society values a person's modesty and restraint, the ability to control one's actions, and communicate carefully and tactfully with other people - it is on these qualities that good manners are based.
Bad manners are considered to be the habit of speaking loudly, without hesitation in expressions, swagger in gestures and behavior, sloppiness in clothing, rudeness, outright hostility towards others, disregard for other people’s interests and requests, shameless imposition of one’s will and desires on other people, inability to restrain one’s irritation, deliberate insult to the dignity of people around, tactlessness, foul language, use of humiliating nicknames and nicknames.
Manners relate to the culture of human behavior and are regulated by etiquette. Etiquette implies a benevolent and respectful attitude towards all people, regardless of their position and social status. It includes polite treatment of a woman, respectful attitude towards elders, forms of address and greeting, rules of conversation and behavior at the table.
In general, etiquette in a civilized society coincides with general requirements politeness, which are based on the principles of humanism.
A prerequisite for communication is delicacy, which should not be excessive. Do not mistake flattery and unjustified praise of what you see or hear for this quality. There is no need to try hard to hide the fact that you are seeing, listening to, tasting something for the first time, for fear of seeming ignorant. Any pretense is repulsive.
The ability to behave correctly in various situations can protect you from an unfriendly attitude, which is, of course, important for any person, and especially when it comes to his business relationships. The exchange of formal courtesies (unless it is outright fawning) is actually not such a banal thing as it seems at first glance. By showing the proper tact, you win over your interlocutor and leave a pleasant impression - that’s the whole axiom.
Be considerate towards a woman or an elderly person. Show your concern in the form of simple and unpretentious courtship. Give the woman a coat, let her pass first, sit her at a table in a cafe, pull up a chair for her, and invite her to look at the menu first. In order to behave this way, it is not at all necessary to graduate from diplomacy school. It is enough to just be polite and learn that the people around you deserve no less respect and attention than you do. Simply put, follow the ancient golden rule: treat other people the way you would like to be treated.
The idea of excessive complexity of etiquette rules and the desire to simplify relationships is very controversial. Stopping showing each other signs of respect does not mean taking life easier.
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