Having heard a terrible phrase from a man, let’s remain friends, do not rush to get upset and look for shortcomings in yourself. Try to figure out on your own why your lover behaved this way, and whether there is a chance of returning him.
In very, very rare cases, the status of “just friends” can be the beginning of a romantic relationship. Such a development of events is possible when he is drawn specifically to you, but he is simply not ready for a sudden romance. This happens when people who have just gotten out of a negative relationship are not in the mood to start a new relationship.
What does the phrase “Let's remain friends” mean?
In any case, the phrase “Let's remain friends” means that in general you are a good person, but not so interesting as to move in the same direction with you further. Or he seems to love you, but wants to maintain a long-distance relationship. Basically they have ex-girlfriend, which is gone in the past, but he still hopes for a reunion.
The phrase “let’s remain friends” often needs to be understood as follows: “You are valuable to me, but only as a backup option.”
Therefore, you need to refuse such an offer. Never waste your precious time on a person who is trying to bench you.
Why should you say a firm “No” to his offer to remain friends?
We women are more mobile, and above all, we value care and personal qualities. At least that's how it should be. But men need first of all beautiful picture and then already rich inner world, status, intelligence, talent and other oddities.
When you hear the offensive phrase “let’s remain friends” addressed to you, do not try with all your might to prove that you can live up to his ideal. After all, it is unknown what image is drawn in the man’s head. This frame is simply trying to find a girl without whom life will lose all meaning, and this is a normal phenomenon. Just tell him thank you for being honest and not wasting your time, and you can now move on.
After all, many guys still continue the relationship without trying to transform the status into just friends, but at this moment they are looking for something on the side best option, then they leave without explanation.
And the worst mistake is that a woman is afraid to be left alone and begins to speculate on intimacy, trying to tie her beloved to her child. But after a certain time, this glue does not help. This is how it appears huge amount mothers raising their children without a father.
Why did the man say: “let’s remain friends”?
- It often happens that the desire for freedom overrides the determination to get involved headlong in love story. If your chosen one offers to wait, do not settle for just friendship, but pretend that you have completely forgotten about his existence.
- You merge with the general gray mass of other female representatives. In this case, the offer to remain friends is based only on a feeling of pity or indecision to end a relationship that will lead nowhere.
- MCH could have suffered from previous failed love affairs. As a result, negative experiences require a more meaningful approach to a new connection.
- You turned out to be not that good.
- Girls most often care excessively about their loved one, completely forgetting about themselves. But love for one’s own person presupposes constant care for one’s own appearance, and also provokes the desire to realize oneself professionally or creatively.
- You probably often make scenes of jealousy and simply demonstrate your distrust.
Why does a partner offer to remain friends rather than end the relationship completely?
Unfortunately, such a proposal does not always mean an intention to be friends. It is possible that your lover was faint-hearted and did not find enough strength in himself to tell you honestly that everything is over between you.
This behavior is dictated by a feeling of guilt towards you, the former participant in the relationship and the desire to smooth out internal discomfort. So to speak, to save face in front of oneself - to remain with good opinion about myself. In this way, your partner will gradually accustom you to the idea that you are not together, making the breakup less painful for you. This “wise and noble” way of solving a problem helps him/her avoid feeling guilty in front of you.
If friendship is more than love
Of course, it also happens that a man and a woman come together due to common life interests, views, and the same worldview. The priority here may be passion for an idea, the desire to achieve a common goal. This is especially true for people who devote themselves to a career or creativity.
And in this case, love relationships can distract such a person from the dominant sphere and create unnecessary tension in the couple. This is precisely what can cause a partner to want to break off a love relationship, but leave the opportunity to communicate with a like-minded person and suggest: “Let’s remain friends.”
Here you need to understand that a person wants to put an end to a love relationship. Despite the fact that he sincerely wants to continue communicating with you, all attempts to get closer to a distance greater than a friend will be stopped. This will be perceived by him as an obstacle to achieving his goals and a restriction of freedoms.
There is another situation in which your lover unexpectedly offers to remain friends when everything seemed to be going well for you at first. It is at this moment, when the relationship becomes more intimate (in the emotional, not the physical sense) or the partner needs to take on obligations, he/she suggests distancing themselves somewhat - communicating simply as friends. However, without implying separation.
This is due to the fact that, due to their fears, complexes, and negative experiences, the partner, on the one hand, is afraid to enter into a long-term close relationship. But on the other hand, he wants and really needs such a relationship. Such ambivalence of your partner’s needs can lead your relationship into a game of “closer-further”.
This means that whenever you get emotionally close to your partner, he/she will show coldness. However, as soon as you agree to just friendship, your partner will accuse you of not loving him/her enough. And if your behavior is not very convincing, in the opinion of your partner, then he/she will prefer to break them off.
Although for some time you may be able to stay in such a relationship. Here, a feature of friendship between a man and a woman will be the confusion of the concepts themselves in these relationships. You will be considered a “friend”, but a very close one. So close that sometimes you will wake up in the same bed.
This behavior is due to the partner’s deep-seated problems associated with a basic distrust of the world. It is formed in early childhood as a result of parental upbringing. It is the disruption in the development of relationships between the child and parents that entails the consequences that the grown child in adulthood avoids relationships with people, since he does not have the appropriate experience of being in them.
This is the only case when the partner/sha has a need for close relationships. However, one’s own fear stops his/her desire for close relationships and makes it almost impossible for partners to build truly trusting and long-term relationships.
Perhaps the most unenviable situation is if you find yourself in love triangle.
When a guy and a girl enter into a love relationship, and then it turns out that the beloved is married or simply has an affair on the side. Moreover, these other relationships could have appeared both before you met and after that. The key point is the fact that the partner gives preference to other relationships.
Such cheaters unknowingly enter into difficult relationships to nourish your self-worth through feelings of suffering, jealousy, guilt, remorse and forgiveness. In this way, a person compensates for his inability to build a full-fledged relationship as a couple. The fact that another relationship has surfaced can have a different impact on further development events.
Afraid of ruining his/her real relationship, he/she may try to convert yours into just a friendly format. The fact is that as long as you did not claim exclusive rights to him/her, your partner could afford a relationship with you. As soon as this begins to threaten the real relationship, the partner will make an attempt to move you to a safe distance.
And the proposal - let's remain friends - is precisely a signal that you are violating his/her comfort zone. They make it clear to you that you actually do not have any exclusive rights to him/her. IN in this case, if there is a love relationship, it will be exclusively “out of friendship.”
In another version, with a love triangle, he/she, on the contrary, wants to continue a close relationship with you, but without compromising the present one. This is especially expressed in the classic triangle “husband-wife-husband’s mistress.” The man himself is happy with everything in this situation, and he does not intend to change anything. And to smooth out this awkward moment - about his double life, he can offer to remain friends. In this case, your role in his life is emphasized, where you are given an honorable second place after your wife.
Relationships in a love triangle are the topic of a separate article.
In the context of today’s topic, it is important for us to consider this situation from the point of view of understanding the proposal received from a partner: “Let’s remain friends.”
Such a proposal in this situation means that you are being offered to consciously enter into a love triangle. in such a triangle has its own nuances. By calling you a “friend,” your partner will nevertheless mean you as a “lover.”
Remember that in such a triangle, in fact, all participants suffer, and the opportunity to find personal and family happiness is quite doubtful for you.
What to do if you still take a risk and agree to friendship?
Before agreeing to such a friendship, you should pay attention to an important nuance in this situation. Try to determine for yourself:
What do I want from this relationship?
What feelings do I have for my partner?
Can you communicate with your partner without having sexual desires for him/her?
Are you sure that you will not be jealous of your partner for his/her new chosen one?
You should pay attention to the fact that you have opposite needs in this relationship - you want a love relationship and strive for it, but your partner does not want love with you and will avoid it. Therefore, you will not be able to build normal relationships, even just friendly ones.
What will happen to you in such a friendship? You will constantly prove your worth as a loved one. Tormented by questions: What's wrong with me? Why am I not suitable? Why doesn't she/he want to be with me? Such friendship will be accompanied by difficult inner experiences. Having agreed to the proposal - “let's remain friends”, you will most likely experience a mixed cocktail of resentment, anger and despair.
Is friendship possible between a man and a woman? Many will immediately say “no” or, at least, consider such friendship to be a special sad type of non-reciprocal relationship. If one of the parties considers pleasant and long-term communication as friendship, then the other is simply content with this, secretly dreaming of more. The girl, who does not share the romantic aspirations of the young man, with a sweet smile, not wanting to offend him, offers to remain friends and is sincerely happy when her compromise proposal is accepted. The friend is forced to retreat, although the hope for a closer relationship and an unexpected happy “what if” remains in him. Can an unlucky lover or someone who was loved by you just yesterday be a friend?
"DOD" or the worst for a man
In the pickup truck, the phrase “let’s remain friends” is used in the form of an abbreviation – DOD. DOD means absolutely illiterate previous behavior of a man and the collapse of all possible love and intimate relationships. The DOD received from a woman with whom the man had previously been a couple is called final (“initial DOD” - an offer from a girl with whom there was only a friendly relationship without intimacy and the official status of a couple in the eyes of others). It doesn’t matter that men sometimes suggest that women “stay friends,” they cannot stand this very phrase and similar variations as something very close to an insult.
However, subconsciously the overwhelming number of men (especially young ones) perceive “let’s remain friends” as an announcement of the upcoming game “closer and further.” Some games like this simply cannot be tolerated and they prefer to cut off the connection once and for all. For others, the woman they love turns out to be very dear (although, perhaps, a feeling of hidden resentment or hurt pride intervenes), and they remain friends for a while, or are friends, hoping for changes, or consciously or intuitively use the pick-up artist model to withdraw from the DOD.
IN the latter case the scheme is launched: “friendship-further-closer”. At first the man becomes an active friend, clearly desiring companionship, and fully conforming to the idealized idea of friendship between a man and a woman. He shares hobbies and leisure time, listens, smiles, amuses, understands, tolerates and has no erotic or sexual connotations in his words and actions. And then, after such a short friendship, which aroused the strongest affection in a woman, the man disappears. In order to either return spectacularly, without apologizing for the disappearance and sharply adding “physical” to the friendship and get “closer” from the desperately missed one, or to be satisfied with a little revenge, now the girl will feel the need for the lost company of her beloved friend.
Do you want to play cat and mouse? Folk wisdom assures that when leaving, you really need to leave. If you are not ready to end your romance forever, then be honest with yourself and once again carefully evaluate and think through all your actions.
Conditions for friendship between a man and a woman after separation
If we assume that a specific friendship between a man and a woman is still possible, then the main condition for the friendship of former lovers will be distance in every sense:
Physical distance – no “friendly” sex, and no frequent gentle hugs and touches.
Geographic distance - the less frequent the meetings, the better, don't strive for them. There is no need to clearly avoid your ex by running to the other side of the road, but also avoid offers of going to the movies together and the like, try to keep “random meetings” to a minimum.
Spiritual distance - do not seek moral support from your former loved one, do not be curious about his new personal life, do not complain about yours or, on the contrary, do not brag about it.
Refusing to be a couple, but at the same time trying to keep a man next to her as a friend, a woman tries to sit on two chairs at once, not always realizing that such a situation is a serious obstacle to her future romances. No matter how reliable, attentive and interesting your ex is, for intimate evening conversations and in order to hang new shelves on the wall or fix a laptop, you need to look for new helpers. It's not that easy, habit will work against you.
They say that in order to remain friends, you need to be friends in the first place. Love relationships, successfully transformed into the most real mutual friendship is the rarest exception, possible either when the couple’s romance is not too long and passionate, or when quite a lot of time has passed since the separation for the old embers to cool, changes, rethinking and building new relationships.
The impossibility of friendship in ex-couple and the unreasonableness or cruelty of being friends with yesterday's loved one does not mean that you need to break off the affair loud scandal, after which neither of you considers himself worthy of even greeting the other. A quiet and peaceful, calm parting without any special complaints is normal for adults, just after it try to shorten future communication, giving each other as much time as possible to start new life- for him without you, and for you without him.
Milena Just
A few years ago I wrote an article entitled “”, which discussed the feasibility of such a friendship, but without regard to the desire to return the guy. That is, it was assumed that return was not your goal. In the time that has passed since that publication, in the comments to my articles they very often ask: “What should I do if my ex, after a breakup, suggested “staying friends”? Should we agree to a new format of relationship in the form of “friendship”? Will such “friendship” with your ex help you get him back?” Today I will try to answer these questions.
Should I accept my ex-boyfriend's offer to “stay friends”?
It is hardly possible to find any other factor that would have a greater impact negative impact for a chance than to “stay friends.” Nothing will slow down the process of rebuilding a relationship more.
You probably think that turning the relationship into a “friendship” state will help you be closer to your guy, but in reality you will be moving further away from him. The longer the “friendship” lasts, the deeper you become established in the role of a friend and the less likely it is that the guy will again see you not as a platonic, but as a romantic partner.
In addition, it is worth noting that this “friendship” will not bring you joy. Imagine, for example, how your ex-boyfriend starts dating another girl, and you have to sit back and watch, because you are a friend. Moreover, you will need to pretend to be “happiness”, because you are a friend. Now imagine how a guy walks with this girl “hand in hand” where you walked with him and how he takes her to “your places”. Now try to imagine him calling you the next day to talk about it, listen to your opinion and ask for advice.
Think about it, how can you be “friends” like that? - Of course not! If you still love him, you cannot deceive yourself and pretend that no love exists. Passive role Seeing a friend will only lead you to the most severe jealousy, bitterness, and ultimately to anger and resentment.
The biggest misconception about being “friends” with your ex
When a guy says after a breakup, “Let’s stay friends,” “I don’t want to lose touch with you,” “we’ll still talk,” or something like that, it’s very easy to make the mistake of agreeing with it. The reason for this mistake is simple: you don’t want to “lose it completely.” But the “final loss” that most girls talk about is nothing more than an illusion and self-deception. There is not and cannot be any “incomplete” loss for you. Romantic relationships either exist or they don’t, there’s no middle ground. After all, you need exactly romantic relationship, and not just any. But for a guy who left you, there is precisely an incomplete loss, because friendship with you completely suits him, and only by losing this friendship will he lose you completely.
It seems to you that by “staying friends” with your ex, you do not lose contact with him. You can, as before, call or write to him, talk to him, see him, or even hang out somewhere together. You think that over time, an insight will suddenly descend on him, he will understand that he loves you, after which the relationship will be restored in the most natural way. At first glance, it is a simple, clear and easy strategy. However, the reality is that it almost never works. If you become a friend to your ex-boyfriend, it does not increase the chances of his return, but on the contrary, it reduces them, making a return extremely unlikely.
Why? “In the end, the guy has everything he had while you were in the relationship, but at the same time he is free from any obligations to you. And if you also consider that in many cases “friendship” with an ex also includes “friendly” sex, then the guy is generally completely satisfied with everything.
Let's look at the situation from your ex-boyfriend's point of view:
He gets the freedom to contact you whenever he needs;
he can see you whenever he wants or when he misses you;
he can have fun with you free time and even offer joint travel, vacations, trips, parties, picnics (and you won’t refuse, you won’t risk it);
he is not obliged to call you, write, entertain, pay attention, listen, etc., because he is not your boyfriend, but just a friend;
he can quite easily date other girls without the risk of losing you;
he also gets the opportunity to maintain an intimate connection with you.
Name at least one reason why a guy, having all this, would want to reconnect with you. Seriously, think about it. Your ex-boyfriend has no incentive to get back with you. By having you as a friend, he has everything he could have in a relationship.
The ex-boyfriend extracts the maximum benefit for himself from his “friendship” with you - you love him, take care of him, try to please him, in the hope that he will return, and the guy is only “friends” with you. In fact, your ex-boyfriend is exploiting your feelings by giving him false hope that makes you want to be a very good, perfect friend to him no matter what. You cannot be offended, respond to rudeness or neglect, because if you lose your temper, then your hope is over. It seems to you that then you will “lose him completely,” and the guy takes advantage of your tension and fear even unconsciously (and sometimes consciously).
A very unpleasant situation, isn't it? - But the worst thing is that you yourself are to blame for this if you agreed to “remain friends” even after the guy left you. Don't indulge yourself with illusions. When offering friendship, a guy is not guided solely by crystal clear thoughts. Think about it, if you're not good enough for him to be his girlfriend, then why are you good enough to be his friend? Doesn't this seem strange? By agreeing to be a friend, you thereby agree to lower your status, and this is humiliating.
Imagine if your best friend announced that she would no longer consider you hers. best friend, but only a friend, but at the same time insists on continuing communication, spending time together and mutual assistance: “I want you to continue to treat me as your best friend, but you will no longer be my best friend.” Humiliating? - Yes! Would that suit you? Would you agree to this? - No! Why then do you need to agree to even greater humiliation in front of ex-boyfriend? Even if you are very guilty before him, then this is only a reason for an apology, for working on yourself, but not a reason for humiliation and loss of self-esteem.
What to do if your ex-boyfriend wants to be "friends"
The solution to this problem is actually very simple and obvious: you should tell him “no.” Just say it directly: “Thanks, but no.” You love him too much to allow yourself to be content with just the status of a friend, to pretend that this suits you and not dare to show your true feelings. Therefore, it’s either love or nothing. Maybe someday in the future you can become his friend, but not now and not in the near future. Just wish your guy all the best and say goodbye to him.
If you can do just that, the guy will naturally not be happy, because this is not at all what he expected. Breaking up a relationship is an unpleasant thing not only for the one who is being abandoned, but also for the one who is leaving. Of course it is different levels“trouble”, but at the same time it is trouble and anxiety for both sides. In such conditions, the guy wants to ensure freedom of maneuver for himself, but at the same time he deprives you of this freedom.
He became uncomfortable with you (which is why he broke off the relationship), but he still doesn’t know how he will feel without you. So he strives to make the transition from the state “with you” to the state “without you” as painless as possible for himself. The guy seems to put his foot in the door so that you don’t close it; on the other hand, he leans on the same door so that you don’t open it, and calls the resulting gap, the width of which, by the way, is under his complete control, “friendship.” . Thus, he does not need to make a choice - to be with you or without you, since you, as it were, remain with him. He loses nothing and risks nothing.
It is worth noting that this guy’s behavior is not malicious intent with the intention of causing you suffering. In such situations, most people act exactly according to this scheme. If it is possible not to make a choice and not expose oneself to the risk of later regretting one's decision, a person will use this opportunity for as long as he is allowed to do so.
Indeed, it’s one thing to look for new clothes while the old ones are still with you, but it’s quite another thing when, before buying a new one, you need to give away the old ones. This is a completely different level of responsibility for one’s decision; risks arise, right?
By denying a guy “friendship” after a breakup, you deprive him of his freedom of maneuver and force him to make a choice that he avoids in every possible way, because as a result of this choice he really risks losing you “completely.”
Refusing the offer to “stay friends” is a very powerful move that makes a guy think hard about the correctness of his decision. Indeed, in this case, you also get freedom of maneuver, exactly the same as he does. Therefore, you can live your life, date other guys, have fun without your ex-boyfriend, and he won't even know with whom, when or where. Does this prospect make him happy? - Of course not!
In many cases, having received a refusal of “friendship” from the girl he left behind, a guy can actually understand after a relatively short time that he was in a hurry to break off the relationship and is not ready for his girlfriend to go to someone else. This may prompt the guy to think that perhaps it is worth restoring the relationship, but just work better on mutual understanding before that.
In fact, guys are not at all as cruel as their actions suggest and are not as difficult to understand as they seem. Therefore, know that when a guy says: “It’s all over between us,” and his decision is final, irrevocable, and under no circumstances will he ever return to you, then in fact, inside him, everything is not so simple. And if he offers you “friendship” after a breakup, then it’s even more ambiguous.
Why you shouldn't pay attention to your ex-boyfriend's attempts to be friends
The fantasy of almost every girl left by her boyfriend looks something like this: Suddenly the phone rings, and the girl sees that it is her ex-boyfriend. Excited, she watches as his name and number appear on the phone screen... or an email comes from him, or a message on a social network, or something else. In short, no matter what, he wants to contact her. Now she will answer him and hear that he loves her, cannot live without her and wants to restore the relationship...
But is this really so? – As a rule, this is not the case at all. Why then does your ex-boyfriend want to contact you? What could this mean?
In such a situation, you are too worried to understand the reasons for his attempt to make contact. Most often, the ex-boyfriend does not need contact in order to restore the relationship. Usually this is “reconnaissance” in order to find out whether the “place of your boyfriend” vacated by him is free and whether it is still reserved for him. He needs as much as possible full information, in order to understand how free he is to maneuver and how much time he has to stay in a state when he does not yet need to make a final choice between “being with you” or “being without you.” To put it simply, the guy wants to know how great the risk is of losing you completely, and whether you feel free in your further actions.
It is possible that contact will be supported by some plausible pretext, for example, “to pick up your things.” He may want to look at you, see you, visit you at home so that the “intelligence data” about the assessment of your current position is as accurate as possible. He can also collect information through friends, colleagues, and relatives. During a contact or meeting, he will probably want to secure your consent to maintain constant contact in the future (“let’s communicate, because you are not a stranger to me”), and ideally, to “become friends” in order to have a guarantee of freedom for himself maneuver (which I already wrote about above). Sometimes a guy can resort to manipulation - start to be “offended” if you refuse him “friendship” and blackmail you with “his final loss,” but he will do this only in order not to lose control over you.
Naturally, there may be other cases and other reasons, but, as a rule, it is the desire to control you, the whole situation as a whole, and to be calm about his unoccupied place in your heart, that serves as an incentive that forces a guy not to lose touch with you after the end of the relationship . This is why breaking up is so important, especially in the first few days or even weeks after a breakup.
Please note that I am not saying anything about the need to ignore your ex-boyfriend or not respond to his messages and phone calls, about adding him to “black lists” and removing him from “friends” in social networks, about writing him a devastating letter expressing all your grievances... It’s better not to do any of this, since this is a manifestation not of strength, but of weakness. Plus, it won't always be possible to do this because you might work or study together, live in the same house, have mutual friends, and hang out in the same places.
Your goal is not to temporarily cut your ex-boyfriend out of your life. All you have to do is push his foot out of the door and put yours in there, take control of the door, and show the guy only what you want to show him - strong girl, capable of surviving a heavy blow of fate and focused on the future, and not what he wants to see - a weak and pathetic creature ready to give up everything in order to devote her entire life to waiting for his return. Let the guy not understand anything and constantly doubt - who you are with, where you are, how you spend your time, what you are thinking about, or maybe you already have someone... This will inflame his curiosity even more.
However, if you are not capable of that level of self-control with your ex-boyfriend, think very carefully before you happily answer his call a couple of days or weeks after the breakup, even if you can think of a million reasons to do so. After all, you will give yourself away and let your ex-boyfriend know that you are still waiting for his return, his place is free, and he can take his time and not worry about anything. I am against ignoring and playing “silent”, but if you have to choose between “completely ignoring” and “being friends”, it is better to choose the first, because by remaining friends with your ex, you will greatly delay his return or even make it impossible.
Only when you are ready to return your ex-boyfriend, when you understand what you were the real reason breakup and how to build a new relationship, only then can you start all over again and become friends. But this will be a different friendship - before the relationship, and not after it. Hope you understand the difference?
FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.
In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions about the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to provide advice in the comments.
Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but then be prepared for me to ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.
If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.
With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica
You once had a relationship, but for some reason it didn’t work out. And here the notorious phrase sounds: “let’s remain friends.” Is this a veiled sign of a complete break, or is friendship between former lovers really possible in principle? And what could be the consequences of such a situation? Comments are given by psychologist Marina Vozchikova.
If after a breakup no one is very offended, then why not be friends?
Indeed, often at the end of a relationship, one of the couple - a guy or a girl - suggests: “Let’s remain friends,” says the specialist. - But this does not always mean the intention to be friends. More often we simply do not want to offend a person by refusing him communication. And for real friendship to arise, a number of conditions are necessary.
First of all, you shouldn't be so upset with each other that you avoid communicating. Often we understand that a person is not so bad, just for the sake of life together he is not suitable for us - he is not the right character, there are no mandatory qualities that we would like to see in our boyfriend, there are annoying traits, and so on. But as a friend or buddy, the guy suits us quite well.
Friendship between a guy and a girl occurs when they have something in common. Some hobbies, views on life, maybe collaboration or territorial proximity. If at least one of these conditions is met, then there is a chance that the proposal to “remain friends” will not remain an empty phrase.
What's good about being friends with your ex-boyfriend?
What are the pros and cons of this type of friendship “after love”?
There are many positive aspects to such relationships.
Firstly, during the period while you were a couple, a certain emotional closeness and understanding arose between you. In other words, it is easier for you to find a common language with each other.
Secondly, you know each other’s strengths and weaknesses well, so you know how to behave with each other, what to expect, and can give or receive practical advice from your ex-partner in a given situation.
Third, the fact that you were once intimate makes your communication more open. Couples who remain friends also meet and continue to enter into relationships periodically. sexual relations simply because they enjoy each other and without a hint of a return to the past.
What are the disadvantages of being friends with an ex-boyfriend?
But in such friendship there are also many pitfalls.
Firstly, if one of the couple still has feelings for the former partner, then friendly relations can become torment for him. After all, your ex-lover may already be building a new relationship with someone else, and you are still counting on something... It’s not easy for you to see him regularly, communicate with him and at the same time know that he no longer belongs to you... They may have place seemingly unreasonable scenes of jealousy, inappropriate actions, etc.
Secondly, an affair that has developed into a friendship can seriously interfere with a new relationship. It happens that an ex-boyfriend rushes between an old girlfriend and a new passion, feeling guilty before both, while both ladies are desperately jealous of each other...
Thirdly, it is difficult for you to discuss your personal life with a friend who was once your lover, which would not be difficult if there had never been an affair between you. For example, you don't know how to tell him that you are already in a relationship with someone else.
So is it even worth maintaining a friendship with your ex? Here are the recommendations of psychologist Marina Vozchikova.
Tips on how to deal with an ex-boyfriend who offers friendship
Before you suggest staying friends, think about whether you need it.
You shouldn't try to maintain friendly relations if you still have feelings for this guy, but he doesn't have feelings for you. It will hurt you.
You should be wary of agreeing to be friends with a guy who still has feelings for you if you don't reciprocate his feelings. This can put you in an awkward situation over time.
You should not abuse your “friendly rights” if you ex-lover a new partner has appeared. She probably won't be happy if you constantly annoy her boyfriend with various requests - for example, to help you with repairs or to take you somewhere in your car.
Also, don't spend too much time with your ex-boyfriend if you have a new one.
If you decide to invite your ex-boyfriend to visit, and he already has a new lover, invite them together, otherwise there will inevitably be problems.
Try not to discuss your previous relationship with your ex. Also, you should not discuss them with him. new girl or your new chosen one. What has happened has passed!