How to deal with a manipulative woman. Emotional puppeteers: how to resist manipulators

24.09.2019

Book fragment Nazar-Aga I. They play on your feelings! Psychological protection from manipulators. M.: Peter, 2013

Who among us has not experienced psychological manipulation by relatives, friends, colleagues and just acquaintances? The disgusting feeling of being forced to do something that you absolutely do not want to do, of being deceptively drawn into yet another dubious story, is familiar to almost everyone. As a rule, we feel that we need to say “no,” but we give in under the pressure of emotions, which is exactly what manipulators count on. They threaten, seduce, press for pity, make you feel guilty, and it seems to you that, despite the arguments of reason, you must give in. How to resist such emotional terror? How to recognize a talented camouflage manipulator? Advice is given by the famous French psychologist Isabelle Nazaré-Aga. Her books are about psychological manipulation became bestsellers in Europe and translated into dozens of languages.

Learn to use countermanipulation techniques

The concept of “countermanipulation” most often implies the use of technology nebulae. This technique uses vague and superficial communication techniques and consists of not making commitments. It is widely used by manipulators themselves, as well as by people immune to the manipulations that use it intuitively and are completely unaware of this.

However, this technique allows us to expand the field of our capabilities. The basis of countermanipulation is every second adaptation to the manipulator in order to protect against it. Some points are favorable for an answer with humor, others - for an answer with irony, others - for a negative answer without comment (but not for an incomprehensible and vague answer). One must be vigilant when using this technique, as its use does not come naturally to most of us and requires a lot of effort from nervous system. As you probably already understood, countermanipulation is accomplished using verbal means.

Do not think that the practice of countermanipulation was created by my imagination. It is based on observations of those who managed to extricate themselves from difficult situations associated with the presence of a manipulator. I mean people who are immune to manipulation and various provocations. Besides the fact that these people do not emotionally feel attacks, criticism, threats, etc. dangerous means disequilibrium, they, as a rule, also respond to them in a similar way. They never read about it in books; they instinctively learned this at a very young age (due to the presence of a manipulator in their environment).

Human relations experts have become very interested in this form of communication (strongly undesirable in other circumstances) for one reason: the manipulator quickly distances himself from people who are insensitive to their influence. At least to their ability to evoke emotions that unbalance. In fact, a manipulator cannot feel important or superior to an insensitive person, because he does not react on his provocations, no matter how sophisticated they may be. Remember in the first chapter we talked about a drowning man who can float to the surface only by leaning on the heads of others? The manipulator simply slides off and cannot touch an unresponsive person. Sometimes we even say: “It passed me by,” “I don’t pay attention to it,” or “It doesn’t bother me.” If the verbal and non-verbal behavior of an unresponsive person allows one to avoid suffering from the onslaught of the manipulator, then this technique is effective. We observed it, conducted experiments, reproduced it, evaluated it, and gave it a name: countermanipulation.

The beneficial outcome of using countermanipulation varies depending on whether you are familiar with the manipulator or not. If you start practicing from now on, the first manipulator you meet will immediately feel that the boomerang he throws will definitely return to him. He will secretly fear you, respect you (despite appearances to the contrary) and try to avoid communicating with you as much as possible. Be alert to the negative psychological impact it has on those around you. If you manage to get out of the minefield, do not forget that he is checking the others in the same way as he was checking you. It takes him from five to fifteen minutes to understand who is in front of him.

Sometimes this happens almost instantly - a few seconds are enough.

Manipulators under the guise of a seducer often use their insight and tell you about your personality (at first only about positive aspects) from the very first minutes of your acquaintance. This stuns you and you fall under the spell of his promising gift! But at the same time, if you live or work with a manipulator or are constantly near him, he becomes able to predict any of your reactions. If it does not coincide with the reaction of an unreceptive person, if it is defensive or focused on your internal experiences, he will be able to notice the slightest change in your behavior. He won't understand why you suddenly started answering him as if you were confident in yourself. He won't stand it and will force you to react the way he needs. You should be on guard whenever the manipulator tries to create discomfort. For as long as it takes.

This process requires concentration, but it also involves doing personal work on the feelings of guilt that may arise as soon as you accept the appearance unresponsive, which means heartless,inhuman,evil man. All these epithets have nothing to do with the truth, but somewhere deep down you may doubt it. The manipulator will be able to blame you for this so that you will again take up your defensive positions. Therefore, to any of his reproaches (“You have a stone instead of a heart,” “You are selfish,” “You never loved me”) you can clearly answer him: “If this is what you want to believe, so much the worse!” Or use another, no less revealing answer. The words you choose to answer are important. They convey your state of mind.

Your emotional state when you are face to face with a provocation, a strategy of a manipulator, or simply in the presence of him, is not neutral. However, this does not apply to the immune people I mentioned above. You feel an internal discomfort or a trap in which the other person is trapping you, and you only strive to convey to him in an aggressive manner the idea that his behavior and statements are inconsistent, immoral or destructive. A waste of time! The manipulator will answer you in kind, using contradictory, fundamentally false arguments that nevertheless seem logical! This will touch you to the quick, and you will begin to make excuses, trying to return the truth to its rightful place. Anger will take over you, and it will become stronger the better the manipulator manages to turn your arguments backwards and convince you. No (or practically no) positive result will come from this. Ultimately, you will express your point of view that your tension (it arises because you want to protect yourself at all costs) will be evidence of a lack of self-confidence to him.

Countermanipulation is a technique. Your task is to answer so as if you were an unreceptive person. Respond in such a way that he perceives your behavior that way. The manipulator plays with words and the vagueness of their meaning. He believes that he is able to influence others. Start using words and you will go down the same road. In the beginning, the first few months, you will be in constant tension: heartbeat, fever, uneven breathing. But at least your answers will be more confident, appropriate and less emotional. When you are looking for the best counter-manipulation line, pay attention to external criteria and focus on what is best to say in such a case, and not on the emotions that overwhelm you.

The right words do not come on their own in the context of such an abstract conversation; first you need to understand what exactly you can use. If you learn a dozen of these phrases by heart, they will appear in your memory with increasing certainty. It is important not to let the manipulator understand that you are offended by his hidden attacks. Also, don't let him realize that you need to think carefully about your answer before voicing it. He is smart enough to also learn to answer accurately, but without anger and aggression (in in this case irony is an acceptable maximum), although it takes several months. Don't give up, even if your objections aren't perfect. Practice shows that countermanipulation achieves its goals even in cases where it is far from ideal.

Calculating our efforts in countermanipulation does not happen from case to case. It can't be said that countermanipulation doesn't work only because the manipulator had the last word or he remained unconvinced, despite your logical and detached answers! The results of your new behavior will only become visible after several months. Therefore, your primary task is not to give up after two weeks just because the manipulator continues to try to do the same thing to you that he always succeeded in doing before. Only after a certain number of situations does the manipulator realize the presence passive confrontation on your part, which will lead to him unknowingly moving away from you. He may even suddenly become completely indifferent to you, and you will not be able to take advantage of the advantages that he could provide you in some areas. This needs to be understood. If you doubt what you are doing, remember what you can achieve and forget about what you will lose.

Dialogues with examples of countermanipulation

Read the above dialogues with manipulators (each of them has at least fourteen characteristics, some have up to twenty-five) and identify common points in the behavior of various people who have adopted the countermanipulation technique. Some situations are not given in full, however, none of them has lost its essence. Each dialogue begins with a remark from the manipulator (indicated by the letter M). Dialogues unfold around four areas: social, professional, marital and family.

Social sphere

The manipulator is a friend, acquaintance, colleague or stranger.

Dialogue No. 1

M: This person is not suitable for you.

- That's your point of view. The rest of my friends don't think so.

Do your friends know him?

Certainly.

Why didn't you introduce me to him?

The opportunity just never presented itself.

I still think you deserve better.

This is also just your opinion!

But that’s how it is! You're such a smart girl... and some kind of musician, really!

- He can’t be smart because he’s a musician?

No. I did not say that. I think you deserve someone of your caliber.

That's your opinion.

Okay, after all, it's your life.

That's it.

Dialogue No. 2

M: All lawyers are scammers.

What a stereotype!

This is not a stereotype. Look at your friend...

And what happened to him?

Listening to him, you might think that he is extracting money from his clients.

- But he protects them well.

He protects them! The number of lawyers who defend criminals and...

- Wait! This is about my friend. And not about other lawyers. My friend doesn't defend criminals.

Yes, I'm not talking about your friend, I'm talking to you about lawyers in general.

- Then, it's OK!

Yes... after all, your friend may be different from them, I don’t know anything about him.

- Yes, you don’t know anything about him.

In any case, I am convinced that all lawyers are scammers.

- You can believe it.

Dialogue No. 3

M: People who aspire to become government employees are not very hardworking.

That's your opinion.

This is not just an opinion. This is true.

- I have several such acquaintances; on the contrary, they are very conscientious.

I'm not saying that they are unscrupulous: I'm saying that they are not hardworking.

It's the same thing in terms of work.

Not at all!

As you say.

Dialogue No. 4

M: Oh! Do you have a new dress?

Did your grandmother give it to you?

- Certainly! My grandmother loves dresses from Cerutti. This style suits her very well!

And they sell this at Cerutti?

Well, yes!

It is unlikely that this fact would make me want to wear such a dress!

- And that’s great, otherwise we would always look the same!

Dialogue No. 5

M: Tell me, can you do me a favor?

Which one?

I'm just in a very difficult situation right now.

Which one?

I have... how to say... my friend is supposed to come spend the night with me, he will come by train. He has a lot of suitcases, but I don't have a car. I think it will be quite problematic to travel by metro with such luggage.

Yes, I understand. And when?

- You can just offer him to take a taxi and...

You see, he doesn't have much money.

- But I don’t know him, try to meet him yourself.

It doesn't matter, I'll go with you.

- Meet him, and you'll take a taxi together, that's all.

Yes, but like I said, he's not very good with money, so it's quite problematic.

- I understand, but tomorrow I’m busy, and you’ll have to come up with...

What are you doing tomorrow?

I need to do a lot of things.

Important.

Well thanks, girlfriend! When you find yourself in... I will remember this.

- I think all circumstances must be taken into account.

You take into account the circumstances, but you don’t take into account the fact that I am your friend.

I'm doing you a favor.

- But just like you, I do it under the conditions that suit me too.

Before today You didn't do me very many favors.

- Come on! Of course, if the services I provided to you are not very meaningful to you, then I...

No, they are insignificant because you did not provide them to me, that’s the point!

- And now you, therefore, expect me to repay your debt and...

I'm not waiting. I’m just making a request to you... if you want to fulfill it, of course. After all, I know you are an altruist. And you say that you like to help people... And so, I have problems with money, and so does he. He took a lot of suitcases with him, and it won’t be possible to get there by metro and...

- Wait…

It will only take you five to ten minutes...

- Wait: I have to tell you something. From today, my altruism has limits... Here.

Okay, now I'm in the know.

- It's simple. Under other conditions, I might have agreed to do you a favor, but tomorrow I can’t. I hope you respect my business.

Dialogue No. 6

The manipulative friend is constantly depressed. She often calls late at night, without thinking that it may be inconvenient for others. She is trying to detain me, although I already need to leave (I’m going to the theater).

M: You don’t care about my problems. You calmly go to the theater.

- I think some things should not be confused. On the one hand, if you continue to call me every two days and tell me about your misfortunes, it means that I am a very attentive listener. On the other hand, it won't be very good if I don't do what I want.

Yes, I realized: you don’t care about other people’s lives.

- I care. But if you are so convinced of this, you can understand it all exactly like that.

Yes, I'm convinced of it.

Well, so much the worse for you.

But Blandine, I’m telling you, I’ve just been dumped, and you’re calmly going to the theater!

Sure sure.

I would answer differently if I were you!

That's just what you say.

I don't leave my friends in trouble.

- If you consider the fact that I am leaving for the theater just when you call me to talk it out, a mistake to the extent of making me feel guilty, you are right: we react differently to what is happening around us. But I really have to go because I'm late. I'm sorry. I can't listen to you now. Try to do something good for yourself.

Professional area

The manipulator is the owner of the company, manager, colleague or client.

Dialogue No. 7

The two participants in the dialogue have just completed complex negotiations to sign a contract.

M: What are you writing?

This is for me. This way I won't forget anything.

You do not trust me?

On paper it is still more reliable.

But it seems to me that you are only recording because you don’t trust me.

I'm sorry you think that way.

After all, my word is my word. It's my honor.

I hope for this reason it will not be difficult for you to sign here.

Dialogue No. 8

Director and his secretary.

M: How did it happen that you did not come to this meeting, although I asked you to?

- You know me, I write down everything they tell me. You must have forgotten to warn me.

You are not infallible and perfect!

- I have shortcomings, but I don’t let them show at work. And the fact that we have been working together for three years is only possible because I am sufficiently worthy of your trust. You know that I write everything down so that you don’t forget anything. But don't be angry. We need to verify information about important meetings if you need my presence so that this doesn't happen again.

Dialogue No. 9

The secretary asks the manager to approve the work schedule.

M: I don't have time. I have an important meeting and I need to go.

- Yes, I know that you are in a hurry. The thing is, I have a question about the meeting on Wednesday, which...

Yes Yes Yes.

You yourself asked me...

Convene.

So what?

If I do not agree with you on the start time...

Can't we discuss this tomorrow? Because now I'm very late...

- Please, I know that you are trying to improve the efficiency of our work, so if you want everyone to come to the meeting on Wednesday, tell me what time suits you.

Can I schedule it for three o'clock in the afternoon?

Look, I don’t know, I don’t have my diary with me...

- Three PM. I looked through your diary. You will have time at three o'clock in the afternoon...

Good good…

Three hours, three o'clock?

Yes, set it for three o'clock.

- Fine. Thanks a lot. Will you write this down in your diary?

Yes, I'll remember that.

I’ll write it down myself and remind you of this.

Dialogue No. 10

The manipulator regularly convenes meetings with colleagues, but their opinions constantly differ. This time he acts as a demagogue.

M: Madame Darmon, you seem to disagree.

I have a different opinion. Well, express it to us.

- Usually I like to express my opinion when it is appreciated.

But that's what we're here for.

- I’m very glad that you reminded me of this.

Sphere of marital relations

Spouses living together or apart.

Dialogue No. 11

M: You only think about yourself.

-You might want to think before you speak.

What's your new craze - going somewhere on Saturdays when I'm not working?

- If you feel abandoned because I started going to the pool on Saturday mornings, this is an alarming sign.

You've never done this to me before!

- There is no need to feel deprived because I started doing what I like.

Don't you like being with me and the children?

It's not the same.

What do you mean - it's not the same?

- I devoted a lot of time to you all. Now the children are thirteen and sixteen years old, and I can devote some time to myself.

What should we do?

- But each of you has your own affairs, regardless of my presence. Now I do the same as you: I take care of my own. I will only take good things out of this for myself.

Who turned you against me?

“I’m upset that you don’t think I’m capable of making my own decisions.” I didn’t say anything before not because I didn’t think. On the contrary, I had time to think everything over in detail. I don't want to be alone. It will be more interesting for you if your wife develops, right?

Yes, sure.

Dialogue No. 12

M: All women are liars.

- Aren’t there any men? (Without showing that she was offended.)

Men have other disadvantages. But women are special precisely because they are liars.

- Indeed, when a woman communicates with several men at the same time, it is better that she does not talk about everything.

They are cowardly.

Maybe.

Dialogue No. 13

M: You look like your mother.

Thanks a lot.

But this is not a compliment!

And I consider it a compliment.

As you say. You'll see that I'm right.

Wait and see.

Dialogue No. 14

M: You are always right.

Yes, sometimes.

You always want to be right.

- It often happens that I turn out to be right. You don't have to really want it for it to happen.

Principles of countermanipulation

The principles that can be used for countermanipulation are very precise. The result depends on this accuracy.

Use short phrases.
Be unclear.
Try to use ready-made phrases, sayings and proverbs.
Give preference to impersonal offers.
Use humor if the context allows.
Smile, especially at the end of a sentence, if the context allows it.
Express yourself self-ironically (talk about yourself with humor).
Stay polite.
Don't engage in a discussion if it leads nowhere or if it leads to humiliation.
Avoid aggression.
Use irony only if you are responding to a remark and are completely confident in yourself.
Don't try to justify yourself. In short, act as if you were immune to manipulation person. In addition to the rules, which are guidelines for liberation from all negative emotions, self-control is also necessary.

A few phrases in the countermanipulation technique

This is just (your) opinion.
You can continue to think like that.
You can continue to believe in it.
This is just (your) interpretation.
You can see it (it can be viewed) from this angle.
You can take it however you want.
You have the right to think so.
I can tell you yes if that's what you want to hear.
If you say so!
If you really think so!
It's just a point of view.
Oh! People often talk about things they know nothing about.
You only see part of the picture, that's normal.
If you don't know, you can always figure it out.
You can make it up.
I have a different opinion.
It's possible.
It's possible... from your point of view!
This is true.
This is true.
Is not it?!
This happens to me.
Happens.
I don't have exact information.
Sometimes you need to be able to do this.
And yet, you are not omniscient!
I should have used someone as an example...
It just amuses me to do the same thing as everyone else.
Everyone knows this.
Depends on the circumstances.
Obviously, I'm not saying this.
It's too easy!
Are you saying this to me?
This doesn't happen every time!
Every man to his own taste. Everyone has their own tastes.
Everyone needs this, regardless of tastes.
Personally, I love it, but does that really matter?
Appearances are deceptive.
And I don't feel any discomfort.
It all depends on who we are talking about.
It really doesn't annoy you.
I love to be original.
Oh yes! I don't do anything, just like everyone else!
This is my charm.
My friends (my husband) love me the same way.
Nobody's perfect, right?
Everyone has their own style.
ABOUT! This is a very interesting idea!
Don't worry about me.
Advice is always useful.
The future will judge.
Wait and see.
Sometimes it gives something.
Everyone has their own experience.
He who strives for nothing receives nothing.
Yes, I didn't think about that!
I wouldn't be wrong about that.
I am calm.
Thank you!
Thanks for reading.
Thank you for giving me a choice.
Really, do I have a choice?
As usual.
It's very nice of you to take care of me.
It's nice of you to allow me to do this.
Apparently.
It does not matter.
There's nothing really serious. But there are many important things.
I use a different ethic.
This is a moral issue!
I have no doubt about it.
Of course.
I see.
OK then!
Uh-huh.
Definitely.
Really often.
Without a doubt.
I really hope.
We understood each other well.
You know this very well.
It is sad.
So much the worse!
I'm sorry for you.
This time yes.
You can't be wrong all the time.
I didn't think you noticed that.
I'm glad to hear this from you.
Naturally, there are reasons.
Are you talking about yourself?
We are talking about different things.
You think so?
I don't understand who you are talking about.
I have the impression that you are adding fuel to the fire.
We are not here to add fuel to the fire.
Why do you say such things?
Everyone develops in their own way.
Yes, but there is some development within the profession.
You can't solve everything with your mind.
What do you do with love (friendship)?
When they love, they don’t count.
Is this your problem? (Instead of: “This doesn’t concern you.”)
Did it bore you that much?
Why?
Why not?
And you?
What do you think about this?
Why are you asking me this question?
You understand, I know what I'm doing.
It gives me pleasure.
Who said that?
Where did you find out about this?
Are you telling gossip now?
What do you think?
What do you mean by that?
What else should I have done?
Why are you saying this?
Can you be more precise?

Now close your eyes and try to reproduce ten of the above expressions from memory. Then emphasize in the list of expressions that you were able to remember.

Now I suggest that you highlight the most commonly used countermanipulation responses.

It is your opinion.
You can believe it.
You have the right to think so.
It's possible.
This happens to me.
Everyone has their own tastes.
Don't worry about me.
I am calm.
I have no doubt about it.
What are you trying to say?

Learn these ten expressions by heart.

The one hundred and eighteen expressions above are responses to defend against situations in which the manipulator is present, or the comments of the manipulator. There are others, they need to be formulated depending on each specific case.

Manipulation is not a direct threat, but an influence on a person through tricks, psychological pressure on weak points. And at the same time, manipulators force you to do what you would not like.

Manipulation is everywhere...

Most often, we are not talking about strangers, but about people close to you: these are your friends, family members, children, bosses, co-workers. Those. people you interact with on a daily basis.

During the manipulation process, a person feels guilt, awkwardness, and the feeling that he is being deceived.

Manipulators never persuade or ask. But they say something like that, and you begin to do what this person needs. Manipulators have many techniques for influencing. And the first thing they need is hook you. To do this, the manipulator must be an excellent psychologist or simply know you well: your weaknesses, your fears, what you can be caught in (pity, guilt, responsibility, flattery, recognition, pride, glory).

For example, how can you distinguish between hidden manipulation, when a person flatters you to get something from you, and sincere admiration? It's very simple - it's your feelings. When admiration is sincere, you experience joy, delight, and nothing negative is mixed into this feeling (a feeling of awkwardness, embarrassment). Also important are spoken words: A manipulator with flattery will never say words of gratitude. Those. he who flatters does not thank. And he doesn’t say the words “thank you” or “grateful”.

Manipulation example

Sincere gratitude: “Thank you for coming last weekend and helping me at the dacha. This was a big help for me. I'm very grateful to you." How will you feel? Joy happiness. There will be no bad taste, no obligations.
Manipulation: “You helped me last weekend - it was great. You always help me. And now I have so many things to do at the dacha that I don’t know how I’ll cope with them. There is only one hope for you." How will you feel? Guilt.

Why do people manipulate others when you can directly ask for something? Often their pride does not allow them, or they are simply not taught to ask for help.

One of the most common manipulations is when a wife manipulates her husband (a woman manipulates her partner). "Which Nice dress in the shop! If only it would look beautiful on me!” How will a man feel after this phrase? Will it be a pleasant feeling? No, he will feel irritated, obligated to buy. Many men have been resistant to this kind of manipulation since childhood. A man simply may not understand what a woman wants from him. He may be ready to buy this dress, but he really doesn’t understand what they want from him.

When manipulating, you will not get gratitude from the person, because he didn’t ask you for anything, he manipulated you. Those. you yourself decided and did it yourself - why should I thank you?

When you are asked for something and you feel guilty, afraid, embarrassed, etc. negative feeling- you are being manipulated!

Manipulation techniques

We have already looked at a couple of manipulation techniques above. Let's look at a few more of the most popular ones, which are used at work, at home, etc.

Accidental information leak technique. Someone is telling you something in secret.

Example: “I accidentally found out that at work everyone was given a bonus, but you and I weren’t given one.” Those. a work colleague, knowing that you have a fighting character, manipulates you so that you go to your superiors to “beat out” a bonus for yourself and for her.

Technique of concealing part of information. When a manipulator tells you incomplete information about something.

Example: “Honey, I got a flat tire.” Although in fact she drove into a fence and damaged the bumper, hood and wheel.

Assumption technique + distrust. When a manipulator shares with you his assumptions, which lay the seed of mistrust towards other people. And you can't check it.

Example: New colleague At work. The manipulator tells you: “I heard that the new girl was stealing from former job, that’s why she was fired.” As a result, you already have a mistrust of the new employee in your head.

Accepting someone else's assessment of the situation.

Example: our television - Channel One, Vesti, NTV.

And if you acted in accordance with this assessment, for example, you did not go on vacation to Egypt because they said on TV that it was dangerous there, the manipulator has achieved his goal. The money remained in the country. This is a typical case of how the state manipulates.

How to resist? Those. you need to think with your own head. You need to listen to someone else’s assessment, there is always some truth there, they don’t lie completely on TV. And then ask yourself: “What am I thinking? What could really be there?

Blackmail. The man is blackmailing you. This clean water open manipulation.

Example: A person knows that you were late for work yesterday, but your boss didn’t notice. And then some trouble happens at work due to the manipulator’s fault, and he tells you: “Cover me up in front of your boss, I didn’t say that you were late for work yesterday.”

Showing weakness and helplessness, which makes you feel sorry or guilty. Often this is a parent-child relationship. Children love to make their parents feel guilty, and vice versa.

Examples: “I’m weak...”, “I can’t figure it out without you, because it’s very difficult here.”

Those. As soon as someone begins to pretend that he is all poor, unhappy, immediately be wary - they are trying to manipulate you!

Best friend.

When you meet a person and he immediately becomes you best friend, on the first day we met. Remember, such cases do not happen. There is no such instant “I love you”! Sudden love, trust, friendship - this does not happen - you are being manipulated!

New personalities always need time to establish trust and friendship. It simply cannot be any other way.

Therefore, if sudden love or friendship suddenly appears in your environment, most likely this is a manipulator.

They say the word “everyone”.

“Well, they still do it! Everyone is celebrating! Everyone wears it! Why don't you do that? These are typical manipulations. You must separate yourself from everyone else if you want to be an individual and live your own life, and not the one that is imposed on you from the outside.

How to resist manipulation?

Let's look at a few common techniques.

1. Infinite Refinement Technique.

When a manipulator emotionally demands something from you or accuses you of something, you need to find out in as much detail and accuracy as possible what is happening to him. At the same time, without entering into any arguments, justifications or explanations with him. Those. you will be called upon to resist, but you must firmly hold on to the position of a “boring person”. Ask endlessly, go into details - what do they really want from you?

Constantly ask clarifying questions: “I understood you correctly that...”, “What do you mean?”, “Do you really think that this is so...”. Once you start asking questions, communication moves from manipulation to intellectual communication.

The technique will also help you avoid losing your temper. After all, when they try to “knock you out of the saddle”, to press your sore “buttons”, you just need to switch to your mind.

2. External consent technique.

The technique is very effective against criticism, when you are openly rude, rude, or simply “attacked.” Examples: “You are a headless fool!”, “You don’t understand anything about this!”, “Why did I even agree to this?!”, “I always knew that you were worthless!”

Those. the manipulation is designed to cause you to explode emotionally and feed your energy to the manipulator himself. Or maybe you will do something that is required of you.

How to react to such manipulation? Just agree with the manipulator, don’t give him a chance to continue the manipulation: “I agree with you,” “Give me the opportunity to improve/prove to you...”, “I’ll think about your words.” The main thing here is not to merge into irony or sarcasm - this will anger the person even more.

3. Repetition technique.

In response to attacks in your direction, you respond all the time the same phrase. This technique works great with children, because they can be simply unbearable to the point of disgrace: “Buy a toy...”, “Mommy, please buy me this car.” Your task is to tell the child the same phrase, you can different types: "Sorry I can not".

Those. always the same phrase in response to any attacks from the manipulator.

4. Answer with the phrase “If I do this, it won’t be me.”

Example: The husband says, “Well, as long as you can get ready, let’s hurry up!” You say, “If I do this, it won’t be me anymore,” or “I can’t because being slow is part of my personality,” or “It doesn’t fit with my self-image.”

5. Calmness technique.

Those. when they put pressure on you, they run into you, it is important to remain calm. In this state, you will be able to reason sensibly and answer the person sensibly.

6. Preliminary training on a foreign field.

If you know some weak points in yourself (for example, you can put pressure on your feelings of guilt, you always help everyone without fail, or you always responsibly fulfill all the roles that you are given), then begin to violate your usual role image, break your rules.

And when you practice this, then when the manipulator tries to put pressure on your weakness- this won't work anymore. You will know - I don’t always do this, sometimes I break my rules - manipulation will not work.

7. Do not accept obligations that are imposed from the outside.

You must assume that your obligations are primarily to yourself. When they try to impose any obligations on you from the outside, immediately tell yourself “Stop!” Even if you lose something from this. But you shouldn’t fulfill other people’s obligations.

8. Relationships in couples.

When your partner tries to manipulate you, you need to clearly understand that the person will not stop this matter until you point it out. Openly tell your partner: “I can live without you, without your love/help, even if it is very difficult. But I will live without you if you don’t stop doing this and that...”

Those. Make it very clear to the person that you don’t like being treated this way.

9. “Do it now!”

Another well-known manipulation technique, but from marketing: promotions, sales, only today, only this week, etc. When someone demands your immediate consent to some action.

How to resist? You need to insist on detailed explanations of why you should do this and not otherwise. And when a person cannot clearly explain to you, this is absolutely manipulation.

Let's sum it up

To avoid manipulation, act atypically. If you are a predictable person, you are very easy to manipulate. If you live like everyone else, according to the standard, you can be manipulated like “nothing to do.” Because your actions are patterned.
Try to diversify your life. In the most typical situations, behave atypically.
Always react appropriately in any situation.
Be prepared for open disobedience, go against the crowd, against the majority, and meet resistance from others. You will be disliked/hated when you start to violate generally accepted norms and go beyond boundaries.
If you want to achieve anything in your life, you must be an individual. A non-standard personality, different from others.

I believe that people need to be manipulated only in two cases: if they are children or old people, i.e. you are responsible for them. In other cases, live openly, without manipulation. Even at work with employees, no matter how bad they are.

Here we will look at ways to protect against this kind of influence. But first of all, it is worth remembering that in all methods the following conditions must be observed:

1. Speech formulations must be clear.

2. Intonations - correctly chosen.

3. And the answer is thorough. Pause before answering, speak slowly, as if turning into space.

Methods of protection:

1. Endless refinement. If the manipulator emotionally demands something or accuses you, find out in as much detail as possible what is happening to him. Don't make excuses or argue.

2. External agreement. Used against unfair criticism and rudeness. Agree and remember that you don’t have to change your mind. For example: “Thank you for your comment, I’ll definitely think about it when I have time.” “I’ll think about it, thanks.” "May be".

3. Broken record. A succinct phrase containing information important to the manipulator - in response to an attack. This is the kind of phrase that can be repeated several times without disrupting the meaningfulness of the dialogue, as if it were a broken record.

4. Right to personal rights. Politely express doubts that the manipulator's demand does not violate your personal rights. For example: “No, if I do this, then it won’t be me.” “No, this does not correspond to my ideas about my personality.” “I can’t, because it goes against my beliefs.”

5. Calm, only calm. Alienation and coldness will help you, because this is one of the the best means against emotional manipulators. If you cannot control your emotions, sublimate them: anger into sarcasm, fear and surprise into alertness, irritation into irony.

6. Additional factors that can influence the situation. First of all, find what the manipulator excludes from the situation, “tailoring” it to his needs. If the manipulator tries to talk in private, raise this topic in company. If he is more comfortable at home, talk about it outside. In other words, the situation should become alien to the manipulator and beneficial to you.

7. Training on a foreign field. Periodically practice behavior that is unusual for you, break your usual role image, and get out of your comfort zone. This will increase the degree of freedom and make you less predictable. And what cannot be predicted cannot be manipulated.

8. Rejection of someone else's assessment. Moreover, offer your assessment. For example, you can start like this: “Now let me tell you how I see it all...”

9. Do not accept imposed obligations. Assume that your obligations to yourself are of paramount importance.

10. Ability to end a relationship. You must be prepared to lose any relationship you have. If you are not ready for this, you are not free, you are being manipulated. Moreover, it is your unpreparedness that will provoke the loss of such a relationship. Therefore, always be prepared for this turnover and do not hide it from your partner.

11. Avoid rushing. Never agree to someone else's demands to do something immediately. All these cries like “promotions only until tomorrow», « limited quantity goods\places”, etc. - nothing more than a marketing technique. Give yourself time and effort to think about everything, study Additional information, weigh all the pros and cons and only then make a decision.

12. Criticism of requirements. Approach even the most trivial requirements critically. The rules must always be understood, but not always accepted. Slogans, duties, obligations and group rituals - all this is needed for some reason and by someone. For what? And to whom? Do you need it?

13. There are almost no simple solutions. If they tell you about " simple solutions"of your complex problems is most often an attempt at manipulation. In this case, use the first method from this list.

14. Love at first sight does not exist. Never believe in sudden affection, friendship or love that arose for you out of nothing and suddenly. Remember that such serious relationship, like friendship and love, always develop gradually. If this is not the case, most likely the relationship is frivolous and manipulative, therefore it is worthless. Hint to such a manipulator that the very attempt to reduce love and friendship to the category of “sudden phenomena” like “love at first sight” is vulgar and ignorant.

15. Separate yourself from everyone else. The temptation to follow the crowd is great and, for most of us, greater than we imagine. Remember this when addressing “everyone” rather than you personally. In such situations, set boundaries and prepare psychological and physical escape routes. But if you still want to stay in the crowd, at least do it consciously, being aware of what is happening and why you need it.

16. Don't act out of guilt. Remember that your feeling of guilt is a reason to more carefully analyze the situation for manipulation. After all, trying to make a person feel guilty is one of the favorite techniques of manipulators. Every person makes mistakes - it's inevitable. But this is no reason to correct them in a way that is imposed on you.

17. Every situation is new. Don't let the external "typicality" and standardization of the current process make you act thoughtlessly and unconsciously. Remember that your template actions are easy to take advantage of because they are highly predictable.

18. Let the past remain in the past. In other words: don't limit yourself to your past behavior. You should be wary if someone calls you to be “reliable” and “consistent.” Prefer the status of “adequacy of the situation” to these two.

19. Decided - take action. Do you understand that you are being manipulated? Well done! But this is not enough. Fight for your right to freedom and independence, try different methods and their variations, explore, play. Your power lies in your ability to act and suffer the consequences of your actions.

That's all. Take care of yourself!

Everyone faces the problem of manipulation in one way or another.

Parents pressing duty and pity on their children. Children asking for something.

Friends appealing to conscience. A superior on whom subordinates depend.

There are many situations that arise every day in which we want both parties to be happy. How to protect your rear?

A manipulator is a person who seeks to achieve his goal through the hands of other people.

Manipulation is undoubtedly not the most The best way impact on others, since it characterizes people as rather selfish and proud. His management is based not on leadership authority, but on a subtle game with the feelings of others. Therefore, there is no point in learning from such people. But it makes sense to become familiar with their influence in order to know how to resist it.

The fact is that the manipulator acts so that we do what HE wants, but this also prevents us from striving for what WE want. Therefore, as part of the topic of my blog, I want to look at some ways to counter such people.

I would like to point out right away that manipulative methods are used not only by people we don’t like. But sometimes our friends and loved ones too. Sometimes we adopt this style of behavior from others, without realizing that suppressing the will is not very good. Therefore, our task is to fight not with people, but with them. negative sides. It's much more noble.

I don't aim to cover everything possible ways negative psychological influence(I’m already very glad that you read this far). I want to note main principle such an impact on us:

The manipulator seeks to evoke negative feelings in a person. This is the meaning of their action.

We all subconsciously tend to be in a state of calm and balance. If we feel a negative emotion, we strive to get rid of it. The manipulator knows this and directs our emotions so that we, getting rid of them, move in the direction he wants. These are the favorite feelings that such a person wants to develop in us.

Resentment
Anger
Fear

How does this work in practice?

A manipulator’s favorite way is to induce guilt in his victim through questions. He essentially makes her think about her negative qualities and achieves the desired effect.

Well, for example, a boss asks a subordinate: “Don’t you know your responsibilities? Do you consider yourself better than others? Why do others do it and you don't? Should they suffer because of you? The questions are correct, but I did not clarify that the boss can use them at his own discretion. Even to force a subordinate to do something that is not specified employment contract, which is poorly paid or generally contradicts the conscience of the employee... How often such methods are applied to different people!

It's a shame that these methods of influence are still practiced by parents. Quite often you can observe how a “caring” mother suppresses any initiative on the part of the child, clearly letting him know that “it will be as I said, because I said so.” But as a rule, when a child is correctly pointed out his mistakes, without causing him to negative feelings, he grows up to be a completely independent person and independent of the opinions of others.

Anger and excuses on our part only benefit our opponent. In principle, he is counting on them. Especially if power and authority are on his side. Therefore, it is important to know how to properly respond to such aggression that suppresses our will.

How can you really overcome a manipulator?

Increase your self-esteem.

WITH strong in spirit people who are able to say “no” and are firm in their decisions, the manipulator will feel and will not mess with them. Remember your strengths if you hear that you are being criticized.

Everyone has the right to make a mistake, and anyone who tries to get you out of it by pointing out shortcomings is not without sin.

Do not be silent!

If you are uncomfortable with the conversation, speak directly about your feelings. If you feel like someone is trying to take advantage of you, report that too. The manipulator whose plan you recognize will not be able to continue his line.

Be carefull.

Manipulators also have such weapons as compliments in their arsenal, so learn to distinguish flattery from sincere praise. If a person tries too hard to please you or the praise is exaggerated, thank him, and politely refuse in further attempts to influence your decision.

Down with fear!

When a manipulator acts aggressively and tries to intimidate you, try to remain calm. Feeling guilty often does not do us any good, especially if you really failed to do something. Inform your interlocutor in a calm tone that you do not intend to continue communication in this spirit, and simply leave the room for a while. If you are polite and do not “gnaw” and overthink yourself, your calmness will work in your favor. The manipulator is just waiting for you to be in an unstable emotional state - this way they can get benefits from you faster.

Refuse.

The ability to say “no” if you really don’t need it will become a powerful weapon against a manipulator. You have the right to refuse, just like anyone else. Therefore, you should not step on the throat of your own song - it’s more expensive for yourself. “Buy”, “eat”, “take time” can be asked and close person, and a colleague, and even sellers on the street. It is important to consider your feelings, but not to agree firmly and politely.

So, when in Once again you will hear that you should, that you are the most beautiful or, on the contrary, you behave disgustingly (for no reason), that without this thing your life will not be complete, then take a deep breath and calmly think: is everything really what it looks like? presented?

Have unbreakable values.

Manipulators usually look for indecisive, pliable people who do not have their own point of view. With the help of negative feelings and even praise and flattery, they can win such people over to their side. But when you clearly know what you want, no tanker can move you! I have seen people who behave extremely confidently in one area of activity, but are absolutely indecisive in another. What are they missing? Clear convictions in this area. If someone makes you nervous in a group, then understand what views you should have in this situation. And never violate your principles!

Be independent of the opinions of others.

There are no feelings that you can have without your consent. Guilt, fear, resentment are specific reactions to circumstances. Remember, the manipulator wants to see them. Don't honor him! Calmness is an extremely unfavorable way of reacting for him. Do not doubt that he will try to get you out of this state. Be patient, he will soon fall behind and you will win!

Express protection

What to do if you are criticized this moment? You can directly and confidently ask the offender to stop doing this. For example, you can ask: “Why are you talking to me in this tone?”, or: “Are you trying to blame me? I don’t want to experience any negative feelings!” This may seem strange and unusual to others, but this is precisely what can prompt the manipulator to reconsider his plans. But the main thing that is expected of you is

KEEPING CALM, DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT!

So, go forward, regardless of the opinions of selfish people.

How to avoid falling into the manipulator's network?

Manipulative communication is something we have to deal with quite often. To resist a manipulator, you need to know the enemy by sight. The article answers the following questions: What is the manipulation based on? What are the techniques and tactics of the manipulator? How do you know if you are being manipulated? How to counteract a manipulator?

Have you ever bought useless things? Going to work on a day off? Fulfill someone's endless requests? Follow the lead of a mother or a whining child?
In life, each of us has had to find ourselves in situations where we are forced to do something. The role of a manipulator can be your child, relatives, friends, colleagues, boss, seller - anyone!

Manipulation - is it overt or covert? psychological impact in order to introduce into a person’s consciousness ideas and intentions that do not coincide with the person’s desire, to receive something from him, to achieve the desired action.

Manipulation, like lies, can be beneficial in some situations. Parents promise their children something, forcing them to eat, go to bed, do homework, etc. Doctors use the method of intimidation, forcing patients to quit smoking or start doing exercises.

But more often than not, such “guidance” from the outside harms us, ignores the person as an individual, neglects our interests, and humiliates us. To prevent this from happening, you need to know the enemy by sight and meet him fully armed.

What is the manipulation based on?
Manipulators skillfully play on our feelings, weaknesses, and complexes. Fears, feelings of guilt, duty, pity, love, low self-esteem, stereotypes of social consciousness - these are the reasons to hook you.

Were you planning to spend the weekend with friends? And mom, appealing to feelings of pity and duty, “invites” you to help at the dacha. “I raised you, I didn’t see the white light, but you...” - we often hear.

Politicians know that there is a contagion effect, the “crowd effect,” so they prefer rallies to other forms of PR. The crowd is easily suggestible, accepts and spreads any slogans or ideas.

"Trump cards" of the manipulator
Manipulators know and successfully use psychological influence techniques.

By suggestion used if it is necessary to “instill” a certain idea, intention, emotion. Human more susceptible to suggestion if he is tired, depressed, or experiencing a feeling of anxiety.

Threats.“Oh, you are so! I'll quit school! I’ll commit suicide!”, “If you don’t go to work on Saturday, then I will draw the appropriate conclusions.”

Blackmail.“And I’ll tell your boss!”, “If you do this, then don’t come home.”

Depreciation discredits a person, for example, questions his professional competence (“Don’t you know that?”).

Encouragement.“No one but you can cope with this task!” This flatters a person’s vanity, and he will try to justify the trust. Just what a manipulator needs.

Ignoring– deliberate inattention to the statements and actions of a communication partner, deliberate absent-mindedness, avoidance of visual contact. This hurts the interlocutor, forcing him to follow the manipulator’s lead.

Manipulation tactics could be like this:

1. Close acquaintance. People are more likely to comply with requests from those they know. It is always more difficult to refuse an acquaintance. If you refer a friend, it will be much easier to get support.

2. Search for similarities with those who are influenced. If you are in any way similar to your opponent ( appearance, interests), then the task of subordinating it to your goals becomes significantly easier.

Professional communicators pay attention to all the details. Having learned that the interlocutor is a doctor by education, they will touch upon medical topics. Having seen the place of birth of a potential client in the questionnaire, they will report (with practiced surprise) that they have relatives living in this city.

3. Quid pro quo– a very common method of influence. “I have done so much for you, but you don’t want to help me.” Try to refuse - you will be labeled ungrateful.

4. Attempts to gain self-esteem. The question “What, no money?” humiliates a person. “What, weak?”, “Can’t you make a decision without your wife?”

5. Understatement own capabilities, self-deprecation is one of the tricks of a passive manipulator. He pretends to be weak, sick, helpless, forcing others to help him, to do something for him. Or the person may become offended, forcing you to make concessions.

6. Choosing one option out of two possible ones. The manipulator uses phrases like: “Will you pay in cash or by card?”, “When is it more convenient for you to meet: in the morning or after lunch?” It’s possible on a day off.” You choose one of the proposed options, and any of them suits your partner.

How to recognize a manipulator?

So, it's worth taking precautions if your partner:
Violates the boundaries of your psychological space, gets too close to you, positioning himself as a person close to you.
He hypnotizes with his gaze, or, conversely, looks past you and looks away to the side.
He fusses, tries to ingratiate himself with you.
Flatters, showers with compliments.
He jokes too much.
Takes excessive care of you: “Are you comfortable?”, “Aren’t you cold?”, “Would you like some coffee?”
He imposes his services and goods.
He imposes behavioral stereotypes: “Be a man!”, “This is how it is in our team,” “If you love me, then...”
Dramatizes the situation, causing a state of anxiety and anxiety.
He answers evasively, with a question to a question (“What do you think?”).
He tries to change the topic, the course of the conversation, to direct it in the right direction for himself.
He hurries you: “Take it now - tomorrow it will be more expensive,” “Discounts are valid only today.” You are not given time to think. If you think, you won’t have time.
After communication, you feel tired, irritated, and empty.

How to counteract manipulation?

1. Be extremely attentive, trust your “sixth sense”. The task is to notice in time the elements of manipulation, the hidden motive, if there is one in communication.

2. If you guess that they are trying to use you, then you need to understand what they want from you. Try to imagine yourself in the place of your interlocutor. How would you behave, what would you achieve? His position will become clearer.

3. Hide your emotions, don’t show yours “ pain points" Don't worry about your weaknesses. Everyone has them. Ignore negative assessments of your capabilities and abilities. This will prevent the manipulator from discovering your true feelings and influencing them.

4. Don't obey his rules. Be tone deaf. Consciously ignore hints, violent emotions, and intimidation. Stop attempts to impose feelings of pity, guilt, and duty on you. For example, a mother asking for help needs to explain that you are busy this weekend, but next Sunday she can count on you.

5. Your actions can also be active. Ask questions, be interested in details. The manipulator “shoots” with pre-prepared phrases, counting on the quick effect of his words, on making a lightning-fast decision. Often not ready to go into details. By asking a question, you may confuse him, you will be able to notice lies and inaccuracies. Then the manipulator will be forced to retreat.

6. Avoid calculated, predictable reactions. If you behave unconventionally, it will be impossible to adapt to you. Surprise your interlocutor by directly asking: “So what do you want from me? Should I do this work for you?

7. Use criticism, evaluation, and ridicule of your opponent’s actions.

Use counter manipulation tactics. For example, interrupt the annoying suggestions of a cosmetics company representative with the words: “I use my grandmother’s recipes and, in my opinion, I look good. Would you like me to share my secrets?

We may not like it, but manipulation is part of our communication. Therefore, you need to learn to resist it or respond to the manipulator in kind. But don’t forget the rule: treat others the way you would like to be treated.