How to manage emotions and why you need it. How to control emotions - learn to control yourself

14.10.2019

Well-mannered man differs from an ill-mannered person primarily in that he knows how to control his emotions. Emotions often arise in the wrong place, in the wrong place, at the wrong time or with the right intensity. The usual reaction is not always the most appropriate response; sometimes you can hurt other people with your emotions. When we are overwhelmed with emotions, we think much worse than in a calm state. Sometimes you just need to relax, and then there is no need for unnecessary emotions. It is useful for a developed personality to be able to manage emotions.

In “Western” culture, it is believed that managing emotions (and feelings in general) is a very complex matter and is given with great difficulty.

It should be added that in a wide variety of cultures it is usually considered difficult to control some channel of perception. North American Indians They just think that managing feelings is a piece of cake, but in order to control images you need complex practices that put you into a very deep trance... Doesn’t this remind you of the approach of the Europeans, for whom one of the properties of trance, anesthesia, seems like a miracle?

The fact that in order to manage emotions (and states in general) you need to make some effort - everyone will most likely agree with this. "You can't take a fish out of a pond without difficulty." But how big should this effort be?

Below you will be offered several techniques for working with emotions. They are quite simple, although, naturally, they require the application of “certain effort” - that is, training.

Generally speaking, we can induce certain states quite easily. Remember the state of joy, feel it... So you have access to it. Another thing is that it is very important to get this access in the right situation... It’s very easy to be confident at home, lying on the couch... And it would also be good to learn how to maintain this state...

Criteria

Evoke emotion.
Call it at will in any context.
Hold her right time(and not just in and out).
Getting out of it (for some emotions this is much more important than entering).
Voluntarily control its intensity (for example, the ability to rejoice weakly, strongly and very strongly).
Separate one emotion from another.

Well, I guess that's enough.

Deck of emotions

This game is for those who want to practice managing their emotions (however, it can also be used to work with more broad concept- states). Although NLP was used in its creation, this toy is made more in the style of “long training”. But it is very effective and if you play it for 1-2 months, you can easily learn to manage your emotions, and without the help of a deck...

Why does he need emotion control? I think everyone can decide for themselves.

In order to play it, you need to make a “Deck” of 16 cards (at least). You can also add your own states (here in the text “emotion” and “state” are used as synonyms).

For example:

Cheerfulness.
Love.
Delight.
Admiration.
Sadness.
Interest.
Hatred.
Detachment.
Joy.
Irritation.
Calm.
Fear.
Creative inspiration.
Confidence.
Astonishment.
Humor.

Deck Creation Procedure

1. Cards

Prepare required quantity cards made of thick paper (such that you can carry them in your pocket). For example: 6 by 9 cm. Or make them from plain paper and then stick them on playing cards. Whatever is more convenient for you.

2. Scope of application

Select a state (emotion). Determine in what situations this state will be useful to you. (Anger can be useful in sports, but hatred can be useful in a fight on the street).

3. Condition

Try to enter this state as much as possible, to feel it. It is desirable that this state be “pure” - without any admixture of other states. It is also important that it is not tied to a specific situation - like a state “in itself” (although in order to remember it, you can first recall the situation where you had this emotion).

Bring it to the maximum you can.

4. Symbol

At the top of the card, draw a symbol that you associate with this state. It could be something abstract, or maybe some object or person.

5. Name of emotion

Under the symbol, write (or rather, even draw) the “name” of this state: sadness, pity, humor...

6. List of words

Under the title, write a list of 6-8 words with which you can describe this state: warm, relaxed, bright, run...

7. Deck

Repeat steps 2-6 for all conditions. If necessary, make and add new cards you need to the deck.

Working with the deck

This is how they work with the deck. You shuffle it and pull out cards in random order. This can be done anywhere and at any time, provided that you can concentrate on the game there and it will not harm you in any way (for example, playing while crossing the street is strongly discouraged, and when talking with your boss, it is simply not recommended): in metro or bus, during a break, at home...

1. Status pinning

First, your task is to pull out a card from the deck and look at it to “help” yourself enter this state as much as possible. Usually, doing this 3-5 times is enough to secure it.

2. State hold

After you learn to enter a state, your task is to learn to maintain this state (at first, you can hold the card in front of your eyes for a while). Determine a time interval for yourself (for example, 3 minutes) and train to maintain the state throughout this time. After it starts to work out well, add another minute, then another... (You can do this - add a minute every 3-4 days). The maximum up to which this workout makes sense is 15 minutes. (You can complicate the work - try to maintain the desired states in real “difficult” situations).

3. Awareness

After you have learned to hold the state well enough (or simultaneously with this training), try to determine the nuances of this emotion - what are the characteristic sensations, what are the submodal shifts in the visual and auditory channels.

4. Level control

Learn not only to induce a state, but also to set its “level”, its intensity. You can create a scale for yourself (for example, from 0 to 10 in intensity) and “chase” yourself along it. To do this, you can even make yourself a second deck with numbers from 0 to 10 and pull out 2 cards: the emotion and its intensity.

5. Transition speed

Practice the speed of transition from one state to another. That is: you pulled out a card, entered the state as much as possible, pull out another card and go to a new state. In this workout it is important to achieve maximum speed transition from the maximum of one state to the maximum of another. You can even measure the time (in this case, the time is calculated from “peak to peak”).

6. Mental image

After a while, you will find that in order to enter the state, you just need to remember the image of the card. Naturally, this can be practiced: you do the same as in point 1 (“consolidating the state”), but you draw the card mentally...

7. Field training

After you have learned to enter and maintain states mentally, begin to train the transition from state to state in real situations, not only in “neutral” ones, but also in “difficult” ones.

Map of emotions

This exercise serves to help you internally decide what kind of experiences you have for different words tied and give a certain “coordinate system”.

This does not mean that any emotion can be divided into these two coordinates - emotion is a much more complex thing. But usually control over these two parameters is enough to manage the state.

You are asked to decide for each emotion (from the list that you make - only 7-10 pieces)

1. Intensity

This is, as it were, the “power of experience,” its intensity. Sadness is usually less intense than grief, and admiration is stronger than calm. Let the scale be from 0 to 10 (just for convenience and out of habit). One possible synonym is the level of arousal ("Adrenaline Barometer").

2. Sign

The level of “pleasantness” and “unpleasantness” of the experience. Or in more official language - “comfort” and discomfort.” Emotions can be approximately the same intensity, but one will be unpleasant, the second neutral, the third comfortable.

The sign can also be measured in points: for example, from -5 to +5 (or from -10 to +10). Choose a suitable scale for yourself.

Please note that an emotion is not a point in these coordinates, but a region: we use the same word to describe a whole bunch of states. And I hope that with a little practice you will begin to notice the nuances and understand that such a two-dimensional representation is too poor for describing human feelings.

So, take a piece of paper, draw coordinate axes on it and label the “areas” of emotions (note that some areas may overlap each other). You can also choose a color and font for each.

Description of emotions

Describe 7-8 emotions in terms of sensations (more specifically, in terms of kinesthetic submodalities). Preferably different sign and intensity. For example:

sadness: slight vibration in the face and shoulders, relaxation in the shoulders and arms, warmth in the solar plexus, slight burning in the eye area.

calmness: a pulling sensation in the back of the head, relaxation in the abdominal area, warmth on the outside of the thighs...

Try to be as precise as possible and note even faint sensations. Note if the sensations “move”: very often they originate in one area, then seem to “flow” to another, where we usually notice them.

Critical submodalities

1. For intensity

That is, which submodality determines the intensity of the experience. Often this is the “strength” of the sensation: the colder it is, the more intense the experience; sometimes there is a place: the higher, the stronger; sometimes size: the larger the area the sensation covers, the more intense it is...

2. For the sign

Literally, with the help of what sensation do you determine that this experience is pleasant and that one is uncomfortable? We must decide how to do this for ourselves.

There is much more here different options, for example: warm sensations are “+” and cold sensations are “-”; if above the solar plexus, then “+” and below - “-”; sensations that spread from the center are pleasant, and those that “shrink” are unpleasant, etc.

In most cases, emotions arise in the wrong place and at the wrong time. Therefore, if you do not learn to manage them, you can easily destroy mutual understanding with the people around you. At the same time, managing emotions is significantly different from suppressing them. After all, hidden anger, old grievances, unshed tears are the causes of many diseases.

Managing emotions: 3 ways

1. Changing the object of concentration

As a rule, the emotions experienced change from one to another object. Even if there is nothing to switch to, it is worth trying to evoke good memories. Remember that when you think about pleasant events, you involuntarily resurrect the sensations you experienced.

2. Changing Beliefs

Any information passes through the filter of our beliefs. Therefore, if you cannot change circumstances, you need to change your attitude towards them. This, in turn, will contribute to a change in emotions.

3. Managing the state of your body

Emotions greatly influence the state of the body: breathing and pulse quicken, blood pressure rises, but there is also so-called facial feedback. Its essence is that voluntary facial expressions, just like involuntary ones, can evoke emotions. In particular, portraying a certain one may soon begin to experience it. Often, to remove an unnecessary experience, it is enough to remove the “wrong face”. True, this needs to be done immediately, before the emotion has time to unwind.

Managing Emotions: Exercises

"Rewind"

Often unpleasant pictures or words get stuck in our brain for a long time. You can replay a certain event in your head for the hundredth time, while experiencing a lot of negative emotions. However, everyone is capable of controlling everything that is in his thoughts. Therefore, you can start a kind of “fast forward”. Thanks to it, inner voices will sound faster, become childish, squeaky... It will be impossible to take them seriously. Negative pictures can also be replaced with any funny song.

"Time Machine"

Everyone knows that time heals everything. This life axiom can help you learn to control your experiences. Thus, many will agree that most school tragedies now seem funny. Why not try to move into the future and take a sober look at the present situation, which causes a storm of emotions in us? IN in this case Managing emotions means experiencing difficult moments not “now”, but in your future.

In some cases, managing emotions requires an “explosion.” What is it expressed in? If you don’t have the strength to hold back your tears, cry; if anger is boiling inside, smack the pillow. But the release of emotions must still remain manageable. So, it is better to cry not at work, but at home, to throw out aggression not on people, but on inanimate objects. The main thing is not to bring yourself to a state where it is no longer possible to control anything.

Controlling emotions will be difficult without the ability to control your attention, gestures, facial expressions and breathing, as well as in the absence of a developed imagination. By working on the skills listed above, you are sure to achieve success.

Almost every person on Earth dreams of learning how to influence the emotions of other people and finding a variety of approaches to communication. However, before you achieve this, you need to learn to manage your own emotions, since it is this skill that will allow you to influence other people. Know yourself first and only then start studying other people.

A person experiences emotions every second of his existence, so those who know how to manage them achieve a lot. They can be roughly divided into three types: beneficial, neutral, destructive.

We will look at beneficial and neutral emotions in further lessons, but in this one we will focus entirely on destructive ones, because they are the ones you need to learn to manage in the first place.

Why are destructive emotions defined this way? Here is just a small list of how negative emotions can affect your life:

They undermine your health: heart disease, diabetes, stomach ulcers and even tooth decay. As technology develops, scientists and doctors are adding to this list. There is a possibility that negative emotions become one of the causes of an overwhelming number of diseases or, at least, hinder a speedy recovery.
They undermine your psychological health: depression, chronic stress, lack of self-confidence.
They affect your communication with other people: those around you, loved ones and employees suffer from negative behavior. Moreover, ironically, it is on close people that we lose our temper most often.
They hinder success: destructive emotions completely atrophy our ability to think. While anger may subside within a few hours, anxiety and depression prevent you from thinking clearly for weeks or months.
They narrow the focus: in a depressed or affective state, a person is unable to see big picture and cannot make the right decisions because the number of options is too limited.

There is a popular point of view: negative emotions do not need to be suppressed. This is very controversial issue and a complete answer to it has not yet been found. Some say that holding back such emotions leads to them penetrating the subconscious and having a sad effect on the body. Other people claim that their inability to restrain them weakens them. nervous system. If we imagine our emotions in the image of a pendulum, then in this way we swing it more strongly.

In this regard, in our course we will approach this issue extremely carefully and will mostly talk about how to prevent the onset of a destructive emotion. This approach is in many ways more effective and will allow you to prevent negative conditions from entering your life.

Before getting to know the most destructive emotions, you cannot ignore the so-called reactionary thoughts.

Reactionary thoughts

Most of the emotions that we experience appear as a result of the appearance of some stimulus. This could be a certain person, situation, image, behavior of other people, one’s own psychological state. All this can be an irritant for you, that is, something that invades your personal comfort and makes you feel uncomfortable. To get rid of this condition, we react (usually in a negative way) to it in the hope that it will go away. However, this strategy almost never works.

The fact is that any irritation swings the pendulum of your emotions and the emotions of another person. Your irritated response leads to irritation of the interlocutor, which in turn forces him to “raise the stakes.” In this situation, someone must show wisdom and extinguish passions, otherwise everything will get out of control.

By the way, we will return to the image of a pendulum more than once in our lessons, because this is an excellent metaphor for indicating that emotions have the ability to increase their intensity.

When we experience the action of a stimulus, reactionary thoughts flash through our heads, whether we are aware of them or not. It is these thoughts that prompt us to escalate the conflict and lose our temper. To train yourself not to react instinctively, learn one simple rule: between the action of a stimulus and the reaction to it, there is a small gap, during which you can tune in to the correct perception of the situation. Practice this exercise every day. Whenever you feel triggered by a word or situation, remember that you can choose how to respond to it. This requires discipline, self-control and awareness. If you train yourself not to give in to reactionary thoughts (usually generalizations or feelings of resentment), you will notice the benefits this brings.

The most destructive emotions

There are emotions that cause irreparable harm to a person’s health and reputation; they can destroy everything that he has built over the years and make his life a living hell.

Let us immediately agree with you that sometimes a character trait can be an emotion, so we will also consider these cases. For example, conflict is a character trait, but it is also a special emotional state in which a person experiences a craving for high-intensity emotions. It is a dependence on the collision of two emotional worlds.

Or, for example, the desire to criticize others. This is also a character trait, but from a purely emotional point of view, it is the desire to raise one’s self-esteem by pointing out the mistakes of others, which indicates the need to change the negative valence of one’s emotions to a positive one. Therefore, if you want, call this list “The Most Destructive Emotions, Feelings and Conditions.”

Anger and rage

Anger is a negatively colored affect directed against experienced injustice and accompanied by a desire to eliminate it.

Rage is an extreme form of anger in which a person’s adrenaline levels increase, accompanied by a desire to cause physical pain to the offender.

Despite the fact that anger and rage have differences in intensity and duration of manifestation, we will consider these emotions as one. The complete chain looks like this:

Prolonged, aching irritation - anger - anger - rage.

Why is there no hatred in this chain, which contributes to the emergence of rage? The fact is that it is already included in anger and rage, along with antipathy, disgust, and a sense of injustice, so we use it in combination.

A person cannot instantly experience anger or rage; he must bring himself to this. First, irritants of varying intensity appear and the person becomes irritated and nervous. After some time, anger arises. A prolonged state of anger causes anger, which in turn can result in the manifestation of rage.

If we talk about evolutionary theory, then the source of anger is a fight-or-flight response, so the trigger for anger is a feeling of danger, even an imaginary one. An angry person may consider not only a physical threat dangerous, but even a blow to self-esteem or self-esteem.

Anger and rage are the hardest to control. It is also one of the most seductive emotions: a person engages in self-justifying self-talk and fills his mind with convincing reasons to vent his anger. There is a school of thought that anger should not be controlled because it is uncontrollable. The opposing view is that anger is completely preventable. How to do this?

One of the most powerful ways to do this is to destroy the beliefs that feed it. The longer we think about what outrages us, the more “sufficient reasons” we can come up with. Reflections in this case (no matter how over-emotional they may be) only add fuel to the fire. To extinguish the flames of anger, you should once again describe the situation to yourself from a positive point of view.

The next way to curb anger is to grasp those destructive thoughts and doubt their correctness, since it is the initial assessment of the situation that supports the first outburst of anger. This reaction can be stopped if calming information is provided before the person acts out of anger.

Some psychologists advise letting off steam and not holding back anger, experiencing the so-called catharsis. However, practice shows that such a strategy does not lead to anything good and anger flares up again and again with enviable regularity, causing irreparable harm to a person’s health and reputation.

To cool down passions in a physiological sense, the adrenaline rush is waited out in an environment where additional mechanisms for inciting anger are most likely not to appear. A walk or entertainment can help with this, if possible. This method will stop the increase in hostility, since it is physically impossible to be angry and angry when you are having a good time. The trick is to cool the anger to the point where the person is capable have fun.

Very in an efficient way To get rid of anger is to play sports. After severe physical stress, the body returns to a low activation level. Various methods have an excellent effect: meditation, muscle relaxation, deep breathing. They also change the physiology of the body, transferring it into a state of reduced arousal.

At the same time, it is important to be aware, to notice in time the growing irritation and destructive thoughts. Write them down on a piece of paper and analyze them. One of two things is possible: either you will find a positive solution, or you will at least stop scrolling through the same thoughts in a circle. Evaluate your thoughts from a position of logic and common sense.

Remember that no method will work if you cannot interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts. Literally tell yourself not to think about it and shift your attention. It is you who direct your attention, which is a sign conscious person able to control his psyche.

Anxiety

There are two types of anxiety:

Inflating them is a molehill. A person clings to one thought and develops it to a universal scale.
Repeating the same thought in a circle. In this case, the person does not take any action to solve the problem and instead repeats the thought over and over again.

A problem does not exist if you carefully think about the problem from all sides, generate several possible solutions, and then choose the best one. From an emotional point of view, this is called preoccupation. However, when you find yourself returning to a thought over and over again, it does not bring you any closer to solving the problem. You become anxious and do nothing to get out of this state and remove the worries.

The nature of anxiety is amazing: it seems to appear out of nowhere, creates constant noise in the head, cannot be controlled and torments a person. long time. Such chronic anxiety cannot last forever, so it mutates and takes other forms - anxiety attacks, stress, neuroses, and panic attacks. There are so many obsessive thoughts in your head that it leads to insomnia.

Anxiety by its nature directs a person's thoughts to the past (mistakes and failures) and the future (uncertainty and catastrophic pictures). At the same time, a person shows creative abilities only to create terrifying pictures, and not to search for solutions possible problems.

The best way to combat anxiety is to stay in the present moment. It is worth returning to the past constructively, finding out the causes of mistakes and realizing how to avoid them in the future. You should only think about the future at moments when you consciously set aside time for it: clarify goals and priorities, outline a plan and course of action. You need to live only one day in the most effective way and not think about anything else.

By practicing meditation and becoming more mindful, you will learn to catch the first signs of obsessive thoughts and eradicate them. You will also be able to notice what images, objects and sensations trigger anxiety. The sooner you notice anxiety, the easier it will be to stop it. You need to fight back your thoughts decisively, and not sluggishly, as most people do.

Ask yourself a few questions:

What is the likelihood that the event you fear will actually happen?
Is there only one scenario?
Is there an alternative?
Is there an opportunity to take constructive steps?
Is there any point in chewing on the same thoughts over and over again?

These are good questions that will allow you to think about what is happening in at the moment and pay conscious attention to your thoughts.

Relax as much and as often as possible. It is impossible to worry and relax at the same time; either one or the other wins. Study and after some time you will be surprised to notice that for several days now you have not felt anxious thoughts.

Great psychologist Dale Carnegie in his book “” provides many techniques that allow you to cope with this unpleasant habit. We give you the top ten and recommend reading this book in its entirety:

Sometimes anxiety is not born out of the blue, but has a logical basis. If something bad happens (or might happen) to you, use a three-step structure:

Ask yourself: “What is the worst thing that could happen to me?”
Accept the worst.
Calmly think about how you can improve the situation. In this case, things can’t get any worse, which means psychologically you gain the opportunity to get more than you originally expected.

Remember that people who don't manage anxiety die young. Anxiety deals a severe blow to the body and can lead to psychosomatic diseases.
Practice occupational therapy. The most dangerous time for a person is the hours after work, when, it would seem, it’s time to relax and start enjoying life. Keep yourself busy, find a hobby, clean the house, repair the shed.
Remember the Law large numbers. What is the likelihood that the event you are worried about will happen? According to the Law of Large Numbers, this probability is negligible.
Show interest in other people. When a person is genuinely interested in others, he stops concentrating on his own thoughts. Try to do a selfless act every day.
Don't expect gratitude. Do what you have to do and what your heart tells you to do and don’t expect your efforts to be rewarded. This will save you from a lot of unpleasant emotions and complaining about other people.
If you get a lemon, make lemonade out of it. Carnegie quotes William Bulito: “The most important thing in life is not to make the most of your successes. Every fool is capable of this. What's really important is the ability to take advantage of losses. It requires intelligence; this is the difference between smart person and a fool."
Don't let the little things get you down. Many people go through great adversity with their heads held high, and then drive themselves crazy over the smallest things.
Rest during the day. Get some sleep if possible. If not, just sit or lie down with your eyes closed. Fatigue gradually and imperceptibly accumulates throughout the day and if it is not relieved, it can lead to a nervous breakdown.
Don't cut sawdust. The past is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it. You can fix the situation in the present or future, but there is no point in worrying about what has already happened.

Feelings of resentment and self-pity

These two emotions lead to, which leads to many devastating consequences. A person stops developing because other people are to blame for his troubles and feels worthless, feeling sorry for himself.

Touchiness is an indicator that a person has too much pain points that are being pressured by other people. The difficulty is that recognizing this problem can be quite difficult, especially if resentment has reached a chronic stage.

The feeling of resentment arises:

when a person we know behaved completely differently than we expected. It is often an unintentional action or behavior that we think is intentional;
when a person we know deliberately insults us through name-calling or humiliation (usually in public);
when a stranger insults us

As it were, we are offended only when we think we have been offended. In other words, everything depends entirely on our perception. There are people who are not offended when they are even insulted in public. What are the benefits of this mindset?

They do not allow their emotions to get out of control and lose face.
The offender is so surprised that there was no response to his insult that he remains frustrated and confused.
The audience's focus instantly shifts from him to the person who tried to offend him.
The audience, instead of gloating or feeling sorry for the “offended” person, finally takes his side, because all people subconsciously respect those who do not lose face in a stressful situation.

In short, when you do not react to words that were thrown in order to offend, you gain a huge advantage. This evokes respect not only among the audience, but even from the offender. This approach is proactive, keeps you healthy and allows you to control your emotions.

We considered the situation of insults in public, then what to do in the case when close person behaved differently than we expected? The following thoughts will help you:

“Perhaps he did not want to behave this way or did not suspect that he could hurt me with his actions or words.”
“He understands that he let me down, but his pride does not allow him to admit his mistake. I’ll act wiser and let him save his face. In time he will apologize."
“I expect too much from him. If he did this, it means I did not explain to him competently enough that my feelings could be hurt by such behavior.”

It is also worth separating the specific situation with resentment and chronic resentment. In the second case, everything is much more complicated, but with proper work on yourself, you can get rid of it.

The first step in overcoming resentment is recognizing the problem. And in fact, if you understand that your touchiness primarily harms only you, this will be a good starting point in solving the problem.

The second step: think about why the person wants to offend you. Note that he didn’t offend, but wanted to offend. This key difference in thinking will allow you to focus your perceptions on the other person's motives rather than dwelling on internal experiences.

Remember that you can only be offended when you yourself think that you have been offended. This does not mean being indifferent to a person or situation. This means analyzing the situation with a cool head and finding out why the person behaved the way he did. And if you come to the conclusion that you no longer want a person in your life, that is your right. But until this moment, try to find out what exactly influenced his behavior and words. Curiosity in this situation is the strongest way to distract yourself.

Painful timidity

Many people love timid people, considering them modest, reserved and even-tempered. In literature we can also find laudatory odes dedicated to such personalities. But is it really that simple?

Shyness (timidity, shyness) is a mental state, the main features of which are fearfulness, indecision, constraint, tension and awkwardness in society due to a lack of social skills or self-doubt. In this regard, we can conclude that such people are quite comfortable for any company, because all other people look confident in comparison with them. That's why they are loved: they give a sense of importance to everyone around them.

How can you eradicate shyness? The answer most likely lies in self-confidence. If you are confident in your abilities, then your movements are precise, your words are clear, and your thoughts are clear. There is something called the “confidence/competence loop.” You become competent in a certain activity, notice that you can cope with the task, and thereby increase your self-confidence. And as your self-confidence increases, you increase your competence.

One of the companions of timidity is fear of the near future. Therefore, the best way to overcome shyness is to get out of your comfort zone. If you do something you are afraid of several dozen times a day, then after just a week (or even almost immediately) you begin to feel self-confidence and an incredible surge of strength. Fear goes away in the light of knowledge. It turns out that no one ate you when you expressed an unpopular opinion and you are still alive, asking for help.

Inactivity turns into activity. You probably know that inertia also works in psychology, so as soon as you begin to overcome the psychological and physical threshold, your fear will begin to go away. The chain of “thought - intention - planning - action” after some time becomes almost automatic and you don’t even think about fear or possible defeat. Since refusals and defeats will certainly await you, you need to accustom yourself to this. Think in advance about how you will behave in the event of failure, so as not to be discouraged. After some time, you will act impromptu, but in the first stages it is better to prepare yourself psychologically.

Pride/arrogance

We have combined these two opposing emotions for one reason: in most cases, people who experience pride believe that it is pride. Pride is crooked pride.

Why does a person experience this emotion? It's about not wanting to hurt your own self-esteem. A proud person will not apologize, even if he subconsciously understands that he is to blame.

While pride is a manifestation of a person’s inner dignity and the ability to protect what is dear to him, pride is a manifestation of disrespect for others, unfair self-aggrandizement, selfishness. A person filled with pride will simultaneously experience the following emotions and feelings: resentment, anger, disrespect, sarcasm, arrogance and rejection. All this is accompanied by inflated self-esteem and a reluctance to admit one’s own mistakes.

Pride is formed under the influence of improper upbringing. Parents raise their child in such a way that they praise him even though he has done nothing good. When a child grows up, he finds himself in society and begins to attribute to himself all the merits to which he has nothing to do. If he becomes a leader, he criticizes his team for failures and accepts successes as his own.

Pride gives rise to:

Greed
Vanity
Appropriation of someone else's
Touchiness
Egocentrism
Reluctance to develop (after all, you are already the best)

How to get rid of pride? The difficulty is that its owner will not admit the existence of a problem until the last moment. In this regard, it is easier to admit the presence of timidity, irritability, anxiety and other traits that interfere with a person’s life. While a person filled with pride will deny the presence of this quality.

Recognize that sometimes this happens to you too. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses, appreciate the former and get rid of the latter. Respect yourself and other people, celebrate their successes and learn to praise. Learn to be grateful.

The best way get rid of pride - develop assertiveness, empathy and listening skills. We will look at all three of these skills in the next lesson.

Envy

Envy arises in relation to a person who has something that the envier wants to have, but does not possess. The main difficulty in getting rid of envy is that the envier finds excuses for himself when he experiences this feeling. He is absolutely sure that the object of his envy achieved fame, success or material wealth through dishonest means or simply did not deserve it.

Perhaps it does not matter exactly how a person achieved some good, since the envious person does not need a reason. He will treat equally badly both the one who received the benefit dishonestly and the one who actually deserved it. Envy is an indicator of a person’s baseness; it corrodes his body and poisons his soul.

When a person experiences envy, he does not think about how to achieve the same success, because at its core, his thinking is destructive and passive. This desire is not to set a goal and achieve it, but simply to take away the benefit from another person. Perhaps this is the hardest quality to get rid of, because the person experiencing this feeling is choking on anger and hatred. He spends colossal energy on constantly monitoring other people's successes and successes.

What about white envy? From a purely psychological point of view, “white envy” does not exist. Rather, it is simply the ability to rejoice in other people’s successes and the desire to achieve similar heights, which is the behavior of an adequate person. It's admiring other people's achievements and becoming better.

To overcome envy, or at least start to fight it, you first need to recognize that there is a problem. Then answer a few questions:

“What does it matter what and how exactly this person achieved if I still need to work and study in order to achieve my goals?”
“Does this person’s success negatively impact my future successes?”
“Yes, this man is lucky. Many people in the world are lucky, this is normal. Moreover, those who do not cultivate a feeling of envy in their souls are lucky. Maybe I should be happy for him?”
“Do I want my envy to spoil my appearance and lead to stomach ulcers?”
“Aren’t great successes achieved by people who sincerely rejoice in the successes of others and wish everyone well? Doesn't it exist large quantity who loved people and only thanks to this they reached such heights?

Conflict and tendency to criticize

It's amazing what irrational creatures people are. We see from our personal example that the desire to constantly enter into conflicts and criticize others does not bring any benefits, and yet we behave this way again and again.

Conflicts are destructive because the person who enters into them consciously and subconsciously considers himself better than others. Will he argue and conflict with someone whose opinion he considers at least equal to his? This manner of behavior in the head of this person is justified by the fact that he does not want to be a hypocrite, please and utter sugary words. He believes that telling the truth (his truth) is much more honest behavior than wagging or remaining silent.

Let's look at the problem from the angle of self-development. Is telling the truth and not choosing words a sign of a developed and intelligent person? Does it really take a lot of intelligence to say what you think about anything? Of course, hypocrisy and flattery are also bad, but this is the other extreme.

Almost any extreme in emotions is destructive. When you lie and flatter, they don’t like you, when you get into conflict on any occasion and don’t know how to keep your mouth shut (or choose the wrong words), they won’t want to do business with you either. Find balance because flexible people succeed in this world.

Criticism doesn't work either, at least not in the long run. Carnegie rightly argued that criticism hurts a person’s self-esteem and puts him on the defensive. When criticizing, we seem to pull a person out of his comfort zone and demonstrate his shortcomings.

Suppress reactionary thoughts and the desire to react to a stimulus. Again, at a minimum, start from the assumption that everyone can criticize and it doesn’t take a lot of intelligence. Learn the art of indirect criticism and get rid of the blaming tone. This requires self-control, wisdom, observation and... Such criticism gives a person feedback, motivates and gives new strength.

In this lesson we learned what reactionary thoughts are and how they play a role in managing emotions. We also looked at the seven most destructive emotions, found out why they are considered such, and found ways to combat them.

In the next lesson, we will learn the three main skills for increasing emotional intelligence - assertiveness, empathy and listening.

Test your knowledge

If you want to test your knowledge on a topic this lesson, you can take a short test consisting of several questions. For each question, only 1 option can be correct. After you select one of the options, the system automatically moves on to the next question. The points you receive are affected by the correctness of your answers and the time spent on completion. Please note that the questions are different each time and the options are mixed.

Instructions

To control your emotions in a particular situation, use the old method: count to 10. When you are calm, you tend to make reasonable decisions, not for nothing that anger is bad. Under the influence of stress, we perceive the world around us painfully and at these moments we are very vulnerable.

Desire and uniqueness will help you. This is what you need to constantly grow on yourself, strive for. Develop your best qualities as much as possible. Self-improvement is long and painstaking work. You must become spiritually richer, become more interesting not only for yourself, but also for you. In difficult times this will be very useful to you.

Do some self-reflection. This means that you need to be objective about yourself and your actions. Be as honest with yourself as possible. start small. If you have conflicts with others, then soberly assess the degree of your guilt and the guilt of your opponent. This will allow you to look as deeply as possible inside yourself and your own perception of reality from different angles.

Useful advice

Know your strengths and weaknesses.

Sources:

37 laws of self-control

The art of self-management will allow you to become a balanced and integral person who boldly goes through life and enjoys every day. To master this art, you need to observe your behavior in a given situation.

Instructions

Receive positive emotions. Perhaps you love watching movies that chill your blood. But after just a few viewings in a row, you will start to flinch at any unexpected sound, such as a phone ringing. So try to focus on pleasant impressions, smiles and positive mood. Communicate more with cheerful people and soon you will notice that you yourself become a cheerful person.

Of course, something can happen in life that will overwhelm your patience and make you very upset or angry. At such moments, stay away from loved ones whom you may offend. Otherwise, all the anger will pour out on innocent heads, because no matter how you restrain your emotions, they will still make themselves felt sooner or later. To prevent this from happening suddenly, allow yourself emotional release: regularly engage in sports or any physical labor, go to football match, where you can “cheer” for your favorite team to your heart’s content, and at the same time relieve stress.

It is very difficult to control yourself during conflict situations or when you are provoked aggressive behavior. In order not to turn a dispute into a bazaar, try to justify your answers and demand the same from your interlocutor. If you feel like you are starting to lose your temper, take a break, for example, take a sip of coffee. Speak firmly and decisively, but do not shout, even if they shout at you. In this case, it is better to use a defensive reaction and, while such a loud monologue continues, imagine a noisy interlocutor with big ears or a clown nose. This will inevitably make you smile, which means it will help you relax.

Do something every day to improve yourself. The motto of all people who have achieved a lot in life was formulated a long time ago and is quite simple: “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” This life principle will teach you to be on time everywhere, to be, and will also help you very quickly see the results of your own work. Make plans and follow them, not forgetting to leave room for a well-deserved rest.

By influencing emotions, we can greatly influence another person. Moreover, almost all types of influence (both honest and not so honest) are built on managing emotions. Threats, or “psychological pressure” (“Either you agree to my terms, or I will work with another company”) is an attempt to cause fear in another; question: “Are you a man or not?” - intended to cause irritation; tempting offers (“Let’s have one more?” or “Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?”) - a call of joy and slight excitement. Since emotions are motivators of our behavior, in order to cause a certain behavior, it is necessary to change the emotional state of another.

It is completely possible to do this in different ways. You can blackmail, issue ultimatums, threaten with fines and punishments, show a Kalashnikov assault rifle, remind about your connections in government structures, etc. Such types of influence are considered so-called barbaric, that is, violating modern ethical norms and values of society. Barbaric practices include those that are considered “dishonest” or “ugly” by society.

We consider those methods of managing the emotions of others that relate to “honest” or civilized types of influence. That is, they take into account not only my goals, but also the goals of my communication partner.

And here we are immediately faced with a question that we often hear in trainings: is managing the emotions of others manipulation or not? Is it possible to “manipulate” another through their emotional state in order to achieve your goals? And how to do this?

Indeed, very often managing the emotions of other people is associated with manipulation. At various trainings you can often hear the request: “Teach us how to manipulate.” Indeed, manipulation is one of the most powerful ways to control the emotions of others. At the same time, oddly enough, it is far from the most effective. Why? Let's remember: efficiency is the ratio of results to costs, and both results and costs in this case can be related to actions and emotions.

What is manipulation? It's kind of hidden psychological influence, when the target of the manipulator is unknown.

Thus, firstly, manipulation does not guarantee the desired result. Despite the existing idea of manipulation as a great way to get anything from anyone without paying anything, very rare people know how to consciously manipulate in such a way as to get the desired action from a person. Since the manipulator’s goal is hidden and he does not directly name it, the person being manipulated, under the influence of manipulation, can do something completely different from what was expected of him. After all, everyone’s picture of the world is different. The manipulator builds manipulation based on his picture of the world: “I will do A - and then he will do B.” And the one who is being manipulated acts based on his picture of the world. And it’s not B and not C, but even Z. Because in his picture of the world this is the most logical thing that can be done in this situation. You need to know the other person and his thoughts very well in order to plan a manipulation, and even then the result is not guaranteed.

The second aspect is emotional. Manipulation is carried out through changing the emotional state. The manipulator’s task is to evoke an unconscious emotion in you, thus lowering your level of logic and getting you to take the desired action while you are not thinking very well. However, even if he succeeds, after some time the emotional state will stabilize, you will again begin to think logically and at that very moment you will begin to ask the question “What was that?” It seems like nothing special happened, I talked to an intelligent adult... but I got the feeling that “something is wrong.” As in the joke, “the spoons were found - the sediment remained.” In the same way, any manipulation leaves behind a “sediment.” People who are well acquainted with the concept of “manipulation” can immediately determine that such a psychological impact took place. In a sense, it will be easier for them, since at least they will clearly understand for themselves what happened. People who are not familiar with this concept will continue to walk around with a vague, but very unpleasant feeling that “something wrong has happened, and what is not clear.” What kind of person will they associate this unpleasant feeling with? With someone who manipulated and left such a “trace” behind. If this happened once, most likely, the price will be limited to what the manipulator receives from his object in “change” (most often unconsciously). Remember, unconscious emotions will always break through to their source. The same is the case with manipulation. The manipulator will pay for the “sediment” in one way or another: for example, he will hear some unexpected nasty things addressed to him or become the object of an offensive joke. If he manipulates regularly, then soon other people will gradually begin to avoid this person. A manipulator has very few people who are willing to maintain close relationships with him: no one wants to constantly be an object of manipulation and walk around with the unpleasant feeling that “something is wrong with this person.”

Thus, manipulation in most cases is an ineffective type of behavior because: a) it does not guarantee results; b) leaves behind an unpleasant “aftertaste” for the object of manipulation and leads to a deterioration in relationships.
From this point of view, manipulating other people to achieve your goals hardly makes sense.

However, in some situations manipulations may well be used. Firstly, these are those manipulations that in some sources are usually called “positive” - that is, this is a type psychological impact, when the manipulator’s goal is still hidden, but he acts not in his own interests, but in the interests of the one he is currently manipulating. For example, such manipulations can be used by doctors, psychotherapists or friends. Sometimes, when direct and open communication does not help achieve the necessary goals in the interests of the other person, such influence can be used. At the same time - attention! - are you sure that In fact act in the interests of another person? That what he will do as a result of your influence will actually benefit him? Remember, " good intentions The road to hell has been paved..."

Example of positive manipulation

In the film “The Taste of Life”* a child who has lost his parents categorically refuses to eat for a long time, despite all the persuasion of those around him. There is an episode in the film when a girl is sitting in the kitchen of a restaurant. The young chef, knowing that she does not eat, first hangs around her for a while, preparing spaghetti for himself and telling all the nuances of the recipe, and then eats it appetizingly, sitting next to her. At some point, he is asked to go out into the hall to meet clients, and he seems to mechanically thrust a plate of spaghetti into the girl’s hands. After hesitating for a while, she begins to eat...

*"Taste of Life" (English: No Reservations) - romantic comedy of 2007. The film was directed by Scott Hicks from a script by Carol Fuchs, based on the work of Sandra Nettlebeck. This is a remake of the German film "Martha Irresistible". The American version stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart, who played a couple of chefs in this film. Note ed.

An example of a controversial positive manipulation

Remember the film “Girls”*, when the quarreling Tosya (Nadezhda Rumyantseva) and Ilya (Nikolai Rybnikov) do not talk to each other for a long time and have almost gone “on principle”. Friends arrange a situation when, during the construction of a house, Tosya has to drag a box of nails to the top floor where Ilya works, because there are “supposedly” not enough of them there. As a result, the heroes make peace.

Why is this manipulation controversial? In fact, reconciliation did not happen simply because the heroes collided in one place thanks to the efforts of friends. If you remember, at first Tosya was very angry when, having dragged a box upstairs, she found Ilya there... and also a whole box of nails. She was about to leave when she caught her clothes on something and thought that he was holding her. Twitching several times and loudly shouting: “Let me go!!!” - She heard him laugh, realized her mistake and began to laugh too. As a result of this joint fun, reconciliation occurred. What would have happened if Tosya hadn’t caught on to anything? She could just leave or, who knows, they would only end up quarreling over this box.

* “Girls” is a 1961 comedy feature film filmed in the USSR by director Yuri Chulyukin based on the story of the same name by B. Bedny. Note ed.

Manipulation or game?

I have no time to look after. You are attractive. I'm damn attractive. Why waste time in vain... (From the film “An Ordinary Miracle”)

In addition to positive manipulations, there are also manipulations when both parties are interested in continuing the “game” and willingly participate in this process. Almost all of our relationships are permeated with this kind of manipulation, which is most often unconscious. For example, following the idea that “a man must win a woman,” a woman may be flirtatious and shy away from directly agreeing to a date.

An example of such “game” communication is described in the film “What Men Talk About”*. One of the characters complains to another: “But this question is “why.” When I tell her: “Come to my place,” and she: “Why?” What should I say? After all, I don’t have a bowling alley at home! Not a cinema! What should I tell her? “Come to my place, we’ll make love once or twice, it’ll definitely be good for me, maybe for you... and then, of course, you can stay, but it’s better if you leave.” After all, if I say so, she definitely won’t go. Although he understands perfectly well that this is exactly why we are going. And I tell her: “Come to me, I have a wonderful collection of lute music of the 16th century at home.” And this answer suits her completely!”

To which he receives a completely fair question from another character: “No, well, would you like sleeping with a woman to be as easy as... well, I don’t know... shooting a cigarette?..” - “No. I wouldn't want to..."

Not in all cases an open and calm behavior that includes an honest statement of one's goals will be most effective. Or at least be pleasant for both sides of the communication.

* “What Men Talk About” is a 2010 Russian film comedy filmed in the road movie genre by the comic theater “Quartet I” based on the play “Conversations of Middle-Aged Men about Women, Cinema and Aluminum Forks.” Note ed.

Managing people also involves a huge amount of manipulation. This is largely due to the fact that the leader for his subordinates is associated with dad or mom, and a lot of child-parent aspects of interaction, including manipulation, are included. Most of these processes occur at an unconscious level, and as long as they do not interfere with work efficiency, you can continue to interact at the same level. Therefore, it is important for a manager to be able to counter manipulation by subordinates. But learning to manipulate is not worth it. We all know how to do this very well, but most often it happens unconsciously.

Since, when controlling the emotions of others, we do not always state our goal (“Now I will calm you down”), in a sense, of course, we can say that this is manipulation. However, in many situations of managing the emotions of others, one's goal can be directly disclosed (“I'm here to reduce your anxiety about upcoming changes” or “I want to help you feel better”); In addition, focusing on the principle of civilized influence, we act not only in our own interests, but also in the interests of others. The following principle tells us this.

The principle of accepting other people's emotions

The very recognition of another person’s right to emotions makes it possible to abstract from them and work with what lies behind the emotions. Understanding that an emotion is a reaction to YOUR action or inaction makes it possible to manage any situation while maintaining a constructive dialogue.

Just like with our emotions, in order to effectively manage other people's emotions, it is important for us to accept the other person's emotions. Agree, it will be quite difficult to remain calm and help someone else calm down when he is yelling at you if you are firmly convinced that “you should never yell at me.”

To make it easier for you to accept another person's emotional state, it makes sense to remember two simple ideas:

1. If another person behaves “inappropriately” (yelling, screaming, crying), this means that he is now very bad.

How do you think a person who acts “very emotional” feels? For example, yelling? This is a rare case when we ask not about a specific emotion, but about a choice from categories
"good" or "bad".

Yes, he feels great!

Indeed, it often seems to us that there are people in the world who get pleasure when they yell (this, by the way, greatly prevents us from interacting constructively with aggressive individuals). Let's think about it. Remember yourself, those situations when you exploded, shouted at the people around you, said hurtful words to someone. Did you have a good time?

Most likely not. So why should another person feel good?

And even if we assume that a person gets pleasure from shouting and humiliating others, is he generally good, as they say, “in life”? Hardly. Happy people, completely satisfied with themselves, do not take it out on others.
Especially if he does not scream, but cries. Then it is obvious that he does not feel very well.

The key idea that very often helps to interact with a person who is in a strong emotional state is to realize and accept the fact that he is feeling bad. He's poor. It's difficult for him. Even if outwardly he looks intimidating.

And since it’s difficult and hard for him, it’s worth sympathizing with him. If you manage to sincerely sympathize with the aggressor, then the fear goes away. It is difficult to be afraid of a poor and unhappy person.

2. Intention and action are different things. Just because a person hurts you with their behavior doesn't mean they really want it.

We have already discussed this idea in detail in the chapter on awareness of the emotions of others. And yet now it would be useful to remind her. It is much more difficult to perceive someone else's emotional state if we suspect the other person of “purposely” making me angry.

Exercise “Accepting the emotions of others”

To learn to accept the expressions of others' emotions, explore what emotions you refuse to show to other people. To do this, continue with the following sentences (referring to other people's expressions of emotion):

You should never show...
You can't allow yourself...
It's outrageous when...
Indecent...
It pisses me off when other people...

Look what you got. Most likely, those emotions that you do not allow others to show, you do not really allow yourself. Perhaps we should look for socially acceptable ways to express these emotions?

For example, if you are very annoyed when another person raises their voice, most likely you yourself do not allow yourself to use this method of influence and devote a lot of effort to speaking calmly even under strong emotional stress. No wonder you are annoyed by people who allow themselves to act this way. Think about it, maybe there will be situations when you can consciously raise your voice a little, “bark at them.” When we allow ourselves to engage in behavior, it usually does not irritate us in other people either.

Skeptical training participant: So you're suggesting that I now yell at everyone and cackle like an idiot at every joke?

Our proposal is to look for opportunities for socially acceptable manifestations of emotions in some situations does not mean at all that you now need to throw away all control and start behaving inappropriately. It's worth looking for situations where you can experiment with expressing emotions in a fairly safe environment.

In relation to other people, it is worth reformulating your irrational attitudes by adding permission to express emotions into these statements and rewriting them, for example: “I don’t like it when other people raise their voices at me, and at the same time I understand that sometimes other people can lose control over yourself." Such reformulations will help you feel more calm when the person next to you shows his emotions quite violently, which means it will be easier for you to manage his condition.

Common mistakes when managing the emotions of others

1. Underestimating the significance of an emotion, trying to convince that the problem is not worth such emotions.

Typical phrases: “Come on, why be upset, all this is nonsense”, “In a year you won’t even remember about this”, “Yes, compared to Masha, everything is in chocolate, why are you whining?”, “Stop it, he it’s not worth it”, “I’d like your problems”, etc.

What reaction does this assessment of the situation by another person cause? Irritation and resentment, the feeling that “they don’t understand me” (very often this is the answer: “You don’t understand anything!”). Does such argumentation help reduce a partner’s emotional stress? No, no and no again!

When a person experiences strong emotions, no argumentation works (because he has no logic at the moment). Even if, in your opinion, the difficulties of your interlocutor objectively cannot be compared with Masha’s torment, now he is not able to understand this.

“I don’t care about any Mash. Because I feel bad now! And no one in the world has ever felt as bad as I do now! Therefore, any attempts to downplay the significance of my problem will cause me the strongest resistance.
Maybe later, when I come to my senses, I will agree that the problem was nonsense... But this will be later, when the ability to think sensibly returns to me. I don’t have it yet.”

2. An attempt to force a person to immediately stop experiencing an emotion (as an option, immediately give advice and offer a solution to the problem).

Typical phrases: “Well, stop being sour!”, “Let’s go and have fun?”, “I should go somewhere, or something!”, “What is there to be afraid of?”, “Come on, stop being nervous, it will only hinder you,” “What are you so angry? Please speak calmly,” etc.
When a person next to us feels “bad” (sad or very worried), what emotion do we experience?

We can be upset and angry if someone has offended a loved one, but the most primary emotion is fear. “What will happen to him next? How long will this bad mood last? What does all this mean for me? Or maybe I myself am to blame for it bad mood? Maybe his attitude towards me has changed? Maybe it’s something he doesn’t like about me?”

What if a person experiences strong emotions? For example, he screams very loudly or cries bitterly. How does the one who is next to him feel? Again, fear, sometimes even reaching panic horror. “What should I do about this? What horror! How long will this be with him? I don't know what to do in such situations. I can't control this situation! What if things get worse next?..”

It is not so important what the reason for this fear is: most of us are afraid of the manifestation of other people's emotions. And a person strives to get rid of fear as quickly as possible. How to get rid of this fear? Remove the source of fear, that is, those very alien emotions. How to do this?

The first thing that unconsciously comes to mind is “let him stop doing this, then I will stop being afraid.” And we begin, in one form or another, to call on a person to “calm down” and become “joyful” or “calm.” Which for some reason doesn't help. Why? Even if the other person understands that he really should do something about his emotional state (which is quite rare), he is not aware of his emotions and cannot figure out how to manage them, since he lacks logic. What he needs most now is to be accepted with all his emotions. If we try to quickly calm him down, the person understands that he is “stressing” us with his condition and seeks to suppress it. If this happens often, in the future the person will generally prefer to hide any of his “negative” emotions from us. And then we are surprised: “Why don’t you tell me anything?..”

Another idea is to immediately solve his problem, then he will stop experiencing the emotion that bothers me so much. My logic works, now I’ll solve everything for him! But for some reason the other person doesn’t want to take my recommendations into account. At the very least, he cannot comprehend my brilliant ideas for the same reason - there is no logic. He can't solve the problem now. The most important thing for him now is his emotional state.

3. For a person who has had something happen, it is first of all important to speak out and get support. After this, perhaps, with your help, he will become aware of his emotions, use some method of managing them... he will feel better, and he will find a solution to the problem.

But that's all later. First, it is important for him to gain your understanding.

Quadrant of Managing the Emotions of Others

We can distinguish methods that work to reduce emotions that are inadequate to the situation (conditionally negative), and methods that allow one to induce or enhance the desired emotional state (conditionally positive). Some of them can be applied directly during the situation (online methods), and some relate to strategic methods of working with the background of mood and psychological climate (offline methods).

If, when managing their emotions, people are often interested in reducing negative emotions, then when it comes to managing the emotions of others, the need to evoke and strengthen the desired emotional state comes to the fore - after all, it is through this that leadership is exercised (no matter at work or in a friendly circle).

If you look at the right column, you will see in it rather possible management influences to influence the emotional climate in the team. However, if you want to improve your emotional background not at work, but at home, we think it won’t be too difficult for you to transfer the method from work situations to home ones. For example, you can form a team from your own family, and not just from employees.

	Online methods	Offline methods
Reducing the intensity of “negative” emotions	"We're putting out the fire". Helping others become aware of their emotional state Using express methods for managing emotions Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions	“We are creating a fire prevention system” Formation of team spirit and conflict management Constructive feedback High-quality implementation of changes
Increasing the intensity of “positive” emotions	"Let's light the spark" Contagion by emotions Self-tuning rituals Motivational Speech "Drive Duty"	"Keeping the fire burning" Maintaining a positive balance in the “emotional account” Creation of a system of emotional motivation Faith in employees Praise Implementing emotional competence in organizations

"We're putting out the fire" - quick methods reducing other people's emotional stress

If we can help another become aware of their emotional state, their level of logic will begin to return to normal and their stress level will begin to decrease. At the same time, it is important not to point out to the other that he is in a strong emotional state (this may be perceived as an accusation), but rather to remind him that there are emotions. To do this, you can use any verbal methods of understanding the emotions of others from the third chapter. Questions like “How are you feeling now?” or empathic statements (“You seem a little angry right now”) can be used not only to become aware of the emotions of others, but also to manage them.

Our empathy and recognition of another's emotions, expressed in the phrases: “Oooh, that must have been really hurtful” or “You're still angry at him, right?” - make someone else feel better. Much better than if we give “smart” advice. Such statements give a person the feeling that he is understood - and in a situation of strong emotions, this is perhaps the most important thing.

It is especially important to learn to recognize the emotions of others in this way in business communication. If a client or partner complains to us about a problem, we frantically begin to think about how to solve it. This, of course, is also important. Although at the beginning it is better to say something like: “This is a very unpleasant situation,” “You must be very worried about what happened,” or “This would irritate anyone.” An upset or frightened client will almost never hear such words from anyone. But in vain. Because such statements, among other things, also provide an opportunity to demonstrate to the client that for us he is a person, and not someone impersonal. When we as clients demand “human touch,” we want our emotions to be acknowledged.

Using express methods for managing emotions

If the other person's level of trust in you is high enough and he is in a state where he is ready to listen to your recommendations, you can try emotion management techniques with him. This can only work if you are not the cause of his emotional state! It is clear that if he is angry with you, and you offer him to breathe, he is unlikely to follow your recommendation. However, if he is angry with someone else, and he rushes to tell you how it happened, you can use the techniques you know. It is better to do them together, for example, take a deep breath and exhale slowly together. In this way, we engage the mirror neurons of the other, and there is a high probability that he will do what we show him. If you simply say: “Breathe,” a person will most often automatically answer: “Yeah,” and continue his story.

If there is no way to tell him about this (for example, you are giving a presentation together and you see that your partner has started talking very quickly out of excitement), then focus on your own breathing and start breathing slower... even slower... Unconsciously your partner (if you are close enough from him) will begin to do the same. Verified. Mirror neurons are working.

Techniques for managing other people's situational emotions

Anger management

If too many people are chasing you, ask them in detail why they are upset, try to console everyone, give everyone advice, but there is absolutely no point in reducing your speed. (Grigory Oster, “Bad Advice”)

Aggression is a very energy-intensive emotion; it is not for nothing that after its outburst, people often feel empty. Without receiving external recharge, aggression dies out very quickly, just as a fire cannot burn if there is no wood left. Nothing like that, would you say? This is because people, without noticing it themselves, periodically add firewood to the firebox. One careless phrase, one extra movement - and the fire happily flares up with fresh strength, having received new food. All our actions in managing someone else’s aggression can be divided into such “poles” that kindle the fire of emotions, and “ladles of water” that extinguish it.

"Poleski" (what people often want to do when faced with someone else’s aggression, and what actually increases its level)	« Ladles" (which makes sense to do if you really want to reduce the level of other people's aggression)
Interrupt, stop the flow of accusations	Let me talk
Say: “Calm down”, “What are you allowing yourself to do?”, “Stop talking to me in such a tone”, “Behave decently”, etc.	Use techniques to verbalize feelings
Raise your tone in response, use aggressive or defensive gestures	Keep non-verbal communication under control: speak with a calm intonation and gestures
Deny your guilt, object, explain that your interaction partner is wrong; say no	Find something you can agree with and do it; say yes
Make excuses or promise to fix everything immediately	Calmly agree that an unpleasant situation occurred without going into explanation of the reasons
Reduce the significance of the problem: “Come on, nothing bad happened,” “Why are you so nervous?” etc.	Recognize the significance of the problem
Speak in a dry, formal tone	Show sympathy
Use retaliatory aggression: “And you yourself?!”, sarcasm	Show your sympathy again

Please note what “ladles” are. These are techniques that work if you really want to reduce the level of other people's aggression. There are situations when, faced with someone else’s aggression, people want something else: to hurt an interaction partner, to “revenge something”; prove yourself “strong” (read “aggressive”); and finally, just scandalize for your own pleasure. Then, please, for your attention - the list from the left column.

One of our friends was going through a period of unpleasant dismissal from the company. In one of her last conversations with the head of the HR department, she persistently reminded him what rights she had under the law. The boss snapped: “Don’t be smart!” After some time, he answered one of her questions: “Don’t be stupid!” Then, with an emphatically polite intonation and a sweet smile, she sang back to him: “Do I understand you correctly, are you suggesting that I should not be smart and stupid at the same time?..” Which made the boss fly into complete rage.

Here, as in most other cases of managing emotions, the principle of goal setting comes into force. What do I want in this situation? What price will I pay for this? It is not always necessary to reduce the intensity of someone else’s anger: each of us has probably encountered situations when there is only one correct way to react to frank and undisguised aggression - to show similar aggression in response.

In this section, we are referring to situations where you are interested in maintaining a good relationship with an interaction partner: this could be a loved one, a client, a business partner, or a manager. Then it is important for you to put your interaction on a constructive track. This is what the “ladles” contribute to, each of which we will now consider separately. We will not consider “Poleshki” in detail: we believe that each of the readers understands and is familiar with what we are talking about.

“Do you want to talk about this?”, or the “ZMK” Technique.

The main, basic and greatest technique for managing other people's negative emotions is to let them speak out. What does it mean to “let someone talk”? This means at the moment when you decided that the person had already told you everything he could... he spoke out in best case scenario by a third. Therefore, in a situation where another person is experiencing strong emotion(not necessarily aggression, it can also be violent joy), use the ZMK technique, which means: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod.”

Why do we use such a rather harsh wording - “Shut up”? The fact is that for most people, even in a normal situation, it is difficult to silently listen to everything that another person wanted to tell us. At least just to listen - not to hear. And in a situation where another person not only expresses his thought, but expresses it emotionally (or Very emotionally), almost no one can listen to him calmly. People are usually afraid of violent manifestations of emotions on the part of others and try in every way to calm them down or at least partially restrain the manifestation of emotions. And most often this manifests itself in interrupting the other person. In a situation of aggression, this is further aggravated by the fact that the person at whom the irritation is directed experiences sufficient strong fear. This is normal and natural for anyone, especially if the aggression turned out to be sudden and unexpected (the partner did not gradually boil over, but, for example, immediately flew into the room already enraged). This fear forces you to defend yourself, that is, immediately begin to make excuses or explain why the accuser is wrong. Naturally, we begin to interrupt the other. It seems to us that now I will quickly explain why I am not guilty, and he will stop yelling at me.

At the same time, imagine a person who is very excited and who, in addition, is interrupted. That's why we use the word "Shut up", that is, make an effort - sometimes a lot of effort - but let him say whatever he wants.

Skeptical training participant: If I listen to him and remain silent, then he will scream until the morning!

Yes, it often seems to us that if we shut up and let a person talk and talk, this process will continue endlessly. Especially if he is very angry. In this case, the opposite happens: a person physically cannot yell for a long time (unless someone from the outside feeds him with energy for aggression through his actions). If you let him speak freely and at the same time listen sympathetically, then after a few minutes he will become exhausted and begin to talk in a calm tone. Check it out. You just need to be silent a little.

So, the most important thing in technology is contained in the first word. But the last thing is also important - “Nod” (there is also a variant of the ZMKU technique, namely: “Shut up - Be silent - Nod and “Ughkay”). We still sometimes freeze out of fear, like rabbits in front of a boa constrictor. We look at the aggressor with an unblinking gaze and do not move. Then he doesn’t understand whether we are even listening to him or not. Therefore, it is important not just to remain silent, but to actively show that we are also listening very, very carefully.