Husband is a domestic tyrant - advice from a psychologist. What to do if your husband is a tyrant.

14.01.2019

The husband should be strong and decisive, and the wife should be flexible and soft. This stereotype is so firmly entrenched in people’s heads that it has given rise to many perverted forms of understanding it. Just look at the sayings “Love your wife like a soul, shake her like a pear” and “If she hits you, she loves you”! Long battles for gender equality could not fundamentally change matters, even in our progressive times large number women are, to one degree or another, subjected to pressure from their tyrant husband: moral, financial, and often physical.

Why does a man become a tyrant?

A truly strong and confident person will never assert himself at the expense of others. He simply doesn't need it. Such a man firmly knows what he is worth, is confident in his abilities, and his own personality does not cause rejection in him. Of course, he can occasionally flare up and cause a scandal (we are all human), but such a person will never systematically humiliate his family and raise his hand against them. The same cannot be said about a tyrant.

“Domestic despots” usually include two types of people:

Men who failed to succeed in life. Having not reached the top of their careers, having not realized themselves in any field, they try to increase their self-esteem, turning into a tough ruler of their home world. Only here does he feel like a king and a god, expecting that his household will obey and please him.
A successful man who carried away a loser complex from childhood. Maybe his parents didn’t like him, his classmates kicked him - it doesn’t matter. Even if such a person achieves success through long and hard work or by a happy coincidence, he remains the same notorious boy. Squeezed internally and afraid of appearing weak, the tyrant constantly tries to dominate. He regularly scolds his subordinates, bullies the driver, “builds” his wife and children, and only under these conditions does he feel confident.

What are the signs to recognize a despot husband?

The tyrant tries to instill fear, guilt and an inferiority complex in his wife’s soul

Trying to assert their power, domestic dictators use surprisingly similar tactics:

Regular criticism of the wife's actions. Under no circumstances should a spouse feel like a good housewife and mother! Such a husband will not even think of saying “thank you” for a delicious three-course dinner, but he will not fail to notice that the bread was cut unevenly, and the vase of flowers was not in the center of the table. If a woman works or has a hobby, the tyrant does not miss the opportunity to remind her that what she is doing is complete nonsense, and her work has not the slightest value. Most often, the matter ends with the wife quitting, abandoning her favorite activities and settling at home, completely devoting herself to caring for her husband. There is only one meaning - a wife who is convinced of her worthlessness is easier to manage. And the tyrant feels like a daredevil next to her.
Financial control. Whether a woman earns money herself or not, the family budget is completely under the control of her husband. So much so that even the purchase of the necessary shoes has to be coordinated with her husband.
Psychological pressure.“Point one: the husband is always right; point two: if the husband is wrong, see point one.” Compromises are impossible, the wife’s opinion is not taken into account in principle, in any controversial situation the last word remains with the despot.
Ban on communication. A wife-thing must belong to her owner undividedly, therefore all “extra” people - friends, colleagues, relatives - are gradually erased from her life.
Physical violence. An extreme form of influence of a despot on a spouse. It would seem that this sign clearly signals that it is time to run away. But many wives endure assault for years, which becomes more and more cruel over time. Apparently, the idea of beating as a symbol of a man’s love is so strong in some people.

Once you endure blows, you will begin to receive them regularly

Is it worth saving the “unit of society” if a loved one shows the habits of a dictator, but feelings for him have not yet cooled? And if you are already connected by the strongest link possible - common child? When the case is not yet pathological, you are not covering up the bruises, and your spouse is capable of normal dialogue, then you can try.

Learn to defend your interests. There is nothing wrong with giving in and compromising in the name of maintaining peace, this is one of the secrets of a happy family life. However, concessions must be mutual. If your husband does not take your opinion into account and openly neglects your desires, you will not be able to build a normal relationship with such a person.

Don't tolerate nagging. Nip comments about your “crookedness,” worthlessness and stupidity in the bud, immediately making it clear that you will not allow talking to yourself in such a tone and, if necessary, you can resist and fight back. But under no circumstances should you stoop to retaliatory insults. Did your spouse harshly criticize your stew? Try to act calm, shrug your shoulders and say: “I think it turned out well. Never mind, next time I’ll try a different recipe.” Naturally, we are not talking about objective criticism expressed in a polite tone (after all, the dish, for example, might actually not have turned out well). It's a matter of the form in which claims are submitted and their number. Of course, swearing at you or humiliation is completely unacceptable!

Do not give up communication and favorite activities to please your husband. You must have friends, something you like and free time.

Next, there are three possible scenarios. Either your spouse will accept you as an equal person and stop trying to establish his own rules. Or he will understand that you are not suitable for the role of a victim and will demand a divorce (and then it’s up to you to decide whether to back down or break out of this relationship with your head held high). Or he will try to call you to order and put you in your place through physical punishment. The latter cannot be tolerated under any circumstances!

Is it possible to rehabilitate a tyrant?

Try to build a dialogue with your man

It is almost impossible to change an adult without his desire. Moreover, when we are not talking about bad habits, but about a character trait that has long been formed. It wouldn’t occur to you to transform a thoughtful melancholic person into a sociable and cheerful sanguine person? The situation with despotic habits is the same: they already exist, so you can only try to soften their manifestations.

Reflect on your behavior. Maybe you're in lately began to pull the blanket over themselves and often ignored the wishes of their spouse? Or did they stop paying attention to him, busy with children, relatives, and gatherings with friends? Or they made fun of their husband’s too low salary, setting an example own achievements? In this case, you can try to correct the situation by increasing care for your loved one and see what comes of it. normal person If you quickly come to your senses, the dictator in life will only increase the pressure and try to “bend” you even more.

But remember that the analysis of the situation must be thoughtful and adequate. Under no circumstances should you take all the blame for what is happening! The formulation “it’s all your fault, it’s you who brought me down” is the favorite song of tyrants, but this does not mean that it corresponds to the truth.

How to get rid of a despot husband: get a divorce, leave with your child and break up forever

There are women who endure beatings and humiliation for years. Fear of a despot spouse, fear of rumors, inability to provide for oneself on one’s own, children, hope for a miraculous transformation of one’s spouse - all this can maintain an unsuccessful marriage for an incredibly long time. As a result, the family turns into a terrible parody of itself, where the husband sits on the throne with a scepter in his hand, a downtrodden and submissive wife, who has long lost the remnants of human dignity, scurries at his feet, and somewhere in the corner the children stand quietly, taunted by a strict father. to a nervous tic. But if a woman comes to her senses in time and decides to leave her dictator husband, the problem is by no means considered solved. Tyrants don’t let go of a convenient victim so easily. How to break the vicious circle and end the relationship forever?

Prepare yourself mentally. No matter how bad the family is, the decision to divorce is an extreme step for a woman and serious blow mentally, so it’s hard to decide on it. Some people are frightened by the status of a “divorced woman” and the prospect of losing financial stability. Others become so accustomed to the role of eternal victim that they can no longer imagine another life - here, although it’s bad, it’s understandable and predictable, and there (in “ big world") it is unknown how else it will turn out... Sometimes a woman sincerely believes that such a husband is better than none. The final decision will need to be made only by you. If you are firmly convinced that you are ready to leave forever, then do not give in to threats and tearful assurances on the topic “from now on everything will be different.” Take responsibility for your life and feel like a real person, and not an appendage to a tyrant. Think about where you will live, and how you will provide for yourself and your children? Whose support can you count on, who can you turn to for help in the worst possible situation? Having a clear plan makes it much easier to act.

Don’t be afraid to call hotlines; crisis center specialists can provide significant support in difficult situations

Children are a separate issue. Many women are firmly convinced that a child should not grow up without a father, so they continue to endure humiliation and beatings, even when this is no longer possible. And they make a huge mistake! In a family where one parent constantly bullies the other, it is extremely difficult to raise a child with a healthy psyche. The son will most likely internalize the tyrannical habits of his father, and the daughter will adopt the “eternal victim” behavior model. And they will build their families according to the same scenario. Is this what you really want? In addition, a tyrant husband rarely limits himself to attacks on his wife. Sooner or later, children will also begin to fall under his moral pressure and hot hand.

Make allies. First of all, consult with your family and close friends, call the helpline. Consult a lawyer about your upcoming divorce: what are your prospects, what can you count on, are there any chances of successfully resolving the custody issue?

You need to know the helpline, even if the decision to leave has not yet matured. A conversation with an experienced psychologist will help you not to despair in difficult times and not to do anything stupid. Also, find out the number for your local police department and call them immediately if you feel the situation is getting dangerous. And feel free to scream and cry into the phone! Law enforcement agencies don’t like to go to “everyday life,” so the operator must understand that you didn’t just quarrel with your husband over a cold dinner, but that you are really in danger and are afraid for yourself and your children.

Having prepared the ground, begin to act. If your husband does not have the habit of immediately resorting to the use of force, you can try to talk in an amicable way. But try to present the idea of divorce as if the initiative comes from the despot himself. Yes, you understand that you could not become a good wife, and his mother is absolutely right in calling you a bad housewife, so he deserves a woman who is more caring and patient. The more balm you pour on the tyrant's inflated ego, the more likely he is to let you go in peace. Call on all your acting abilities to help, humble your pride and let your spouse enjoy your superiority to your heart's content.

You can negotiate amicably with a tyrant about divorce if the situation is not completely critical

If you have children, emphasize that you not only agree, but even want them to continue to communicate regularly with their father. Don’t even talk about limiting meetings or taking the guys to another city, otherwise all efforts at a “peaceful settlement” will go to waste.

Are you afraid of scenes or manifestations of violence from your spouse? Seize the moment when he is not at home, and only then leave. Pack an “emergency suitcase” in advance so that at a convenient moment everything is at hand: documents (yours and your children’s), money and valuables. But don't do it while you're hesitating! If the suitcase sits in the closet for six months, the husband will definitely stumble upon it, and in this case, a showdown will hardly be avoided.

For the first time, find yourself a new shelter, the address of which your husband does not know. These can be not only distant relatives or an old friend who is ready to host you, but also crisis centers dedicated to protecting women. Unfortunately, finding such an organization in small town the chances are low, but the telephone and the Internet largely solve this problem. Try to contact the center in the nearest large populated area, explain the situation and ask for help - they will probably provide you with psychological support, and also teach you how to proceed. Typically, such organizations have hotlines, established connections with law enforcement agencies, and have competent lawyers who can help you file a divorce. Social apartments are provided for women with children, where they can live, if not in complete comfort and pleasure, then at least in decent conditions.

Moving to another city is an extreme measure, but sometimes you have to dare

If you are alone, think about moving to another city, change your SIM card and do everything to cross out ex-spouse from your life. This advice is not suitable for women with children - your babies have a father, and you cannot ignore this fact. You will have to enlist the support of a good lawyer and resolve the issue of guardianship through the court.

If you have already been subjected to violence, write a statement to the police and film the beating. In the future, this will become an additional trump card in court proceedings. Also, have a voice recorder. If your spouse decides to call and threaten, press the record button and carefully record everything he says.

Life with a tyrant often turns into real addiction. As soon as the first marks of beatings fade, and grievances fade, good moments emerge in memory, without which no relationship can do. Psychologists advise taking a pause of 40 days: this is exactly how long it takes for our consciousness to begin to rebuild. Try to disconnect from problems for this period. Take care of your children, yourself, and fully experience life “in freedom.” Soberly evaluate and weigh your relationship with your husband, and then make your final decision.

Good afternoon, dear readers! Today I would like to talk to you about how to behave with a tyrant husband. Such relationships greatly spoil a woman’s self-esteem and negatively affect psychological state, and may also cause serious physical injury. How to recognize a tyrant in your husband and what to do to get out of his snare?

How to recognize a tyrant

It happens that a girl meets a pleasant, kind and sweet young man. Everything in the relationship is good, they are getting married, and after some time the nightmare begins. The man turns into a real tyrant and despot.

By what signs can you identify a tyrant man?

The first thing you should pay attention to is the desire to control your life entirely. Such men try to make their woman dependent and helpless. Financially, emotionally, physically.

Tyrants control all the actions of their faithful, do not allow them access to finances and do not allow them to freely manage money, and monitor calls, meetings, and trips. Control can reach such an extent that a woman is not allowed to work, meet with friends or relatives, or leave the house.

It is possible and necessary to fight the tyrant. The main way is to show that you are not afraid, you are stronger, you are confident, you have a different life without him. How to do this?

Change yourself

The fight against a tyrant is not about changing his behavior or character, but about changing yourself. To begin with, I recommend that you read the articles “” and “”. It is within your power to become stronger and suppress the oppression of your tyrant husband.

Gain financial independence. Find a job that will allow you to provide for yourself, in this way you will become independent from him in terms of money, and this already allows you to find another apartment and move away from him.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. The truth and the law are on your side. You can always contact law enforcement agencies. Also, don't forget about your friends and relatives. Be sure to tell them all the details of your spouse's abuse.

Together, it will be much easier for you to cope with this situation. If it so happens that you have no one to turn to for help, then you can always come to specialized psychological support centers. They can provide you with housing and help you get back on your feet with a job.

Sometimes a tyrant husband pesters his wife even after a divorce. Don't allow this. Be stronger, do not succumb to his manipulations, do not be afraid and do not take his threats seriously. Usually such people talk more than they actually do.

The despot humiliates his family, and in a situation of real danger he simply runs away, because an insecure coward lives inside him.

Of course, the choice is up to you. Continue to live with such a person, succumb to his manipulations, live in fear for yourself and your children. Or fight back, get a divorce, leave him and start an independent life.

Share your story with us. Perhaps together we will find a suitable solution for you. Tell us how your husband’s tyranny manifests itself, what he forbids you, how he takes out his anger on you. What steps have you already taken to combat it?

Remember that your main enemy- This is fear of your spouse. I am sure that everything will work out for you and you will be happy!

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Good day!! My boyfriend and I have been living for a year and I realized that he is manipulating me. At first he raised his hand to me. but now we have dealt with it, but it’s still all my fault. and it seems like this is already being fixed somehow. but how should I react to the fact that I don’t dress right, look bad, and the fact that he doesn’t love me and lives out of pity.

The situation with the beatings was resolved; he understands with his head that this cannot be done. It will just be a shame for him and me. We have done so much together and leave this property to someone else. He will come with everything ready and I will go nowhere. You can always quit. I would like to fight, but I’m not in a stable financial situation right now, so I’m asking for advice from knowledgeable people. For all these trainings they ask for that kind of money. No one really wants to help from the bottom of their hearts. Women who want to save their family. with his manipulations he wants to control everything and so that I don’t ask for anything. It seems to me that he is a very unconfident person inside. Although after his victories he becomes bored. And he starts looking for something new on the side

Good day. Thank you for your valuable advice. Now we are at a distance and have decided that it is better for us to separate. Of course I don’t want to, but I think it is necessary. To teach him a lesson. And if suddenly he decides to return. I ask for help on how to set the ultematum correctly

Good afternoon!! dear Elena!! Yes, I understand everything perfectly! But I thought and decided that I’m Koroleva, let him worry about who he lost. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I’m not afraid of work. I’m a housewife. At 38, I look at most 30 with a good figure. Moreover, I now have a choice. But my own shirt closer to the body, as they say. and if you can change what’s in better side.with the help of your advice. Why not

Thank you Dear Elena, no, I don’t give any ultimatums. It’s just that if he decides to return me, then everything will need to be discussed properly. Here, at all kinds of coaching, they promise to teach how to return and make sure that he will run. But I don’t believe in it. The person loves or no, and it’s hard to make him fall in love with SMS

Good afternoon! It’s very difficult for me to answer your question. How long am I willing to wait? Now, reading and listening to the trainings, I realized that apparently I’m stuck in a previous relationship. Which lasted in a standby mode for 5 years. And everything repeats itself as if by thumb. Although that person is already been gone from this world for 4 years. In general, 8 years. It seemed to me that he wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t do anything and lit candles in the church. I think about him very often. It’s not arbitrary, it’s not clear for what reason

thank you Elena, I would be very happy to go and talk, but unfortunately there are no such specialists in our city. But I think we can do without them. With the help of your advice. Thank you that there are people like you!!! With the help of your tips, I I started analyzing all my relationships and will try to correct the mistakes. Please tell me what SMS to write to attract his attention to you

Svetlana:

My husband is a tyrant, I realized this a long time ago, but I was afraid to leave him. And then one day it happened. I left him with my child and lived with my parents. For some time I ignored him, I didn’t want to communicate with him, because after that I felt like a squeezed lemon. Then he gradually began to seek contact with me, because... We have a child together and he wants to date him. He asked me for forgiveness for everything he had done and begged me to come back. I don’t want to live with him and I told him this today, I won’t be able to forget all the grievances even if he changes. And after that, he asked to stay with the child for a while, and he left with him and is now manipulating the current situation. He says that if I don’t decide to return to him (and sets a strict time frame), then I will never see the child, he will leave with him and no one will find them, or he says that he will commit suicide with the child. I don’t know what to do!!! Go back and endure bullying again? Or lose the child forever?

Svetlana:

This situation has already lasted 4 years after the birth of the child. 2 years ago I tried to break up with him, I also left, filed for divorce, we lived separately for 4 months, in the end he persuaded me to return, because... The child needs a father, he said that he will change. But a month after returning, everything started from the beginning (his tyranny and to this were added reproaches that I did not let him meet with the child).

Svetlana:

He took the child today and set the condition that by tomorrow I must agree to return to him. According to the law, he and I have equal rights to the child and the child can be with either parent. He just forces me to return to him by manipulating the child. And I have absolutely no idea what to expect from him

Svetlana:

Our authorities don’t really like such stories, and they say that you will make peace anyway. But they cannot forcibly take the child away from him, they have no right. He said that if the police came to him, he would do something to the child and to himself

Svetlana:

Yes, these are normal actions for him, he constantly threatened before that he would do something to my parents if I was not with him. Previously, of course, he did not threaten that he would end his life with the child, but he scared that he would leave with him and I would not see them again. He could leave home with the child for several hours, then return.

Svetlana:

Just a few days ago, he also threatened me that if I don’t make peace with him, he will crash with the child in the car or with me. But he did nothing of the kind, although he had the opportunity to pick up the child from the kindergarten (he knows which kindergarten he goes to, which group he goes to) and leave with him. But he said that he had changed and would not do anything stupid anymore if I made peace with him. I seemed to agree with him under his pressure, but I understand that I did not do it of my own free will, but under his pressure. And today I told him about it. He didn’t like it and started to get hysterical. He is generally an unbalanced person, and as soon as he becomes hysterical and cannot restrain his emotions, he begins to say nasty things, and then when he leaves, he says that it was in the heat of the moment and does this all the time. That he actually doesn’t think so and is white and fluffy. And I am a cruel person, according to him, and I do not allow him to meet the child.

Svetlana:

I don’t even know what to answer. This question stumped me. Why am I especially worried right now? I think that in the previous situation I was also anxious. I just feel some kind of panic from everything that’s happening and I can’t cope with my emotions. Then after a while I try to calm down and look at the situation with cool head. But when you are inside this situation it is very difficult to be objective. It just didn't go as planned as I wanted. I thought about leaving with the child so that he would never find us. Just disappear, run away so that no one touches me. I’m very tired from everything that’s happening, I have no strength.

My husband thinks that only he is right. Blames me for all failures. Doesn't notice my successes and achievements. Doesn't support difficult situations. Our child recently suffered a spinal injury. It was very difficult to go through this. Fortunately, everything turned out to be surmountable. But at the most difficult moment, my husband not only did not support me, but also created scandals due to the lack of attention to His Majesty. A couple of days ago I tried to express that I didn’t want THIS RELATIONSHIP, to which he freaked out, said nasty things and obscenities and ran out of the house. Now he walked around me, touched me casually, even hugged me with the words “I still love you, such a mischief!” He doesn't notice for his part bad deeds. He says: “Forget this word - “support”! If he sees that I’m trying really hard to do something, he always says that everything turned out badly, and my food generally makes him sick, despite the fact that he always eats everything. Thank God there is no assault. But I'm afraid it will start soon. I’m not leaving him because I’m on maternity leave with my youngest. The salary is very small, I live in the village, there is no other job. I can’t ask my parents for help - they love my husband very much, for them he is a super son-in-law. He doesn't drink, he makes good money. And in general, for the people around him, he is a good, kind, sympathetic, cheerful person. Only I can see all his bullying. Recently our two-year-old son was sick and did not eat anything. I somehow tried to feed him porridge. And my husband ate a sandwich with garlic. the son reached for his sandwich and the husband allowed him to lick the garlic. The child vomited. The husband laughed... He also deliberately pressed his fingers against the door and laughed. Well how can that be???? If I and the children leave him for my parents, I will deprive the children of their social well-being. I can’t provide for both of them myself. At the same time, I don’t want them to see such an attitude. Is it possible to explain to my husband that it is possible to live a normal life and enjoy normal life? human life, and not from humiliation and hassle? He always says that he loves me, but continues to humiliate and insult me as before. doesn’t understand why I’m offended again and don’t talk to him. But if you love a person, then do you treat him well? Isn't that right? After all, taking care of your loved one is as pleasant as receiving this care? Why doesn't he understand this? In our family, care comes only from me. Sorry for so many words.

Hello!
I have been living with my husband for 7 years, my son is 1.5 years old.
My husband has been insulting me throughout my married years (I’m fat and overweight), that’s why the insults are directed in this direction. We lived with my parents for 5 years and now I feel incredibly ashamed in front of them, because there my husband started scandals for me and then for my mother. ABUSED MY MOM scary words.
Well, he raised his hand very soon after the wedding, it seems to me about 1-3 months for the first time. It bothered him that I was snoring and he hit me with all his might on my arm, back, and legs. When I drank, sometimes drunken showdowns and groundless jealousy also began, and then I could take a swing. When I was pregnant, he didn’t seem to touch me, but he did pull my hair hard, and even in front of my mother. When I gave birth, very soon he began to periodically rush at me again. In general, my patience ran out when one day he cracked me when I was a small child and when we moved into our apartment (3 months ago) he already attacked me 3 times. And, yes, I forgot to tell you that from time to time he damages property: laptop, phone, flower pots, vases, plates, etc. -everything is broken.
In general, I’m ready for a divorce, but, as always, there are a lot of BUTs... the child, I’m worried about what his and my parents will think, and how I’ll live (he’s financing for now, although I can live without his money).
In general, I'm looking for advice from you. I need help now!

Hello, Elena!
Thank you for reading my letter and responding!
Regarding the parents, they don’t know about what is happening yet, but my husband’s sister-in-law knows in a nutshell. My parents didn’t see all the “concerts.”
Regarding the divorce, I, of course, am still thinking about it, weighing how it would be better for me to continue to live...
I'm probably just still in shock. I wonder how I endured all these years and lived normally?
My husband’s behavior after the last “show”, which took place on December 12 of this year, in my opinion, is simply terribly inadequate. He simply remains silent, does not notice me, pretends that I am not at home and lives in another room, avoids, naturally, being where I am. He sometimes communicates with his son and plays. What outrages me is that he doesn’t feel guilty at all, or is he so cruel or generally sick that he doesn’t realize that everything will end badly for him and that he would quickly need to somehow act, react (apologize, do good deeds, etc.) .p.). In general, either he thinks that he will get away with everything again, or he thinks that he is right, or is he a complete fool? Does he think that I will remain silent or forgive?
This is what I can't figure out anymore. Why doesn't it work? Doesn’t he file for divorce if I don’t like it, why doesn’t he ask for forgiveness, why doesn’t he leave, etc.?
What am I waiting for? I'm still waiting for money so that I can get legal advice on a competent divorce first. We have an apartment acquired during marriage, a son under three years old and many more questions).
I just want to ask you Elena, because it’s embarrassing to address someone close, how can I tell everything, how to behave, what should I do in this situation?
PS New Year holidays on the nose, but you don’t want anything, there’s no mood at all, but the child needs to organize a holiday, and not look at the sour faces of all loved ones.
That's what else worries me.

I'll tell you more about my husband...
He looks like a very decent person, smart ( gold medal school + 2 diplomas - one red), silent and cheerful in public.
I’m definitely not one of the timid women, I can answer verbally and fight back, but since I didn’t have examples of such behavior in men in my family (and my father is an example ideal man exactly - an intelligent, smart, kind family man, I haven’t heard a single swear word from him), then I go into a stupor from shock, how this happens to me and I can’t do anything except cover myself with my hand, and then we run off to different rooms . I take valerian and blood pressure pills and go to bed, then I don’t talk to my husband for a long time. Then they somehow reconciled themselves and seemed to live normally, like all families with common affairs and interests and friends.
But I noticed with my husband that he was very silent, withdrawn, and closed. It’s difficult to get him to talk, sometimes he even curses at him (which I also consider a sign of moral tyranny). At home he likes to be silent, lock himself in a separate room or retire to one room and sit on his tablet. I often notice that I watch all sorts of nonsense - war, unfunny videos where, for example, a person falls or is injured for other reasons and laughs from this, watches strange videos that seem to me. In general, we rarely talk. Discussions of some general topics lead to a quarrel, because he has a completely different point of view, sometimes, it seems to me, cruel. For example, in political matters he likes dictators and despots... In general, I have always disliked this oddity.
Attacks often occur after drinking alcohol (often the husband does not know how to stop and drinks until he falls, as they say - this problem also gnaws at me.) That is, he is not a drinker, but he does not know how to drink, he gets drunk all the time and then insults me, but sometimes, as you already know, it fights. That’s why I’m ashamed to visit him and invite him too.
As I said, I’m not a gift either and I can swear and push if necessary, but I’m never the first to do this, and only after his insults can I respond in kind (but more modestly than he, in my opinion).
In general, anyone can irritate him, even just talking in strange topic.
My friends also noticed that my husband is strange and his point of view is strange, sometimes incorrect and unusual. Similar actions to a psycho.
Perhaps these are echoes of his mother’s strict upbringing - she is a Baptist and a teacher, and she also raised 3 children alone and may have overlooked something. My husband had only 3 girls before me who simply took advantage of him (more precisely, they promoted him with money and gifts and did not give anything in return). Maybe he's angry at his ex-ladies? Don't know.
But I also had unrequited loves, but now I don’t throw myself at anyone.
In general, I don’t know what to do.
Today, for example, for the first time in 4 days he asked what to buy for his son and that’s it. Of course, I said nothing with offense. He went with his son in a stroller to the store and when he came out he saw that my bag was there, so he returned and threw it into the corridor. After what he did just recently, it turns out that I’m also to blame? A real tyrant- makes others to blame for their troubles.

You say everything correctly, Elena. He has no respect for anyone and therefore it is useless to talk to him. I won’t ask him these questions, because I haven’t talked to him for a week. Today I informed his sister about the situation. She is silent for now. But I think no one can influence him anymore... Thank you Elena for helping with your words and asking the right questions. I will try to resolve my issues within 2 weeks. Although I still don’t quite know how.

Good afternoon, Elena! How do you feel about so-called misogynists? It turns out that I know the story of a man who has now met my friend and began to live with her. In his previous family (there were 3 children), he beat his wife and children, broke things, etc. I know that he almost strangled his girlfriend, who was after his wife. And now I saw him next to my friend. I'm scared for her and I don't know what to do. I haven’t told her anything yet, she’s happy, she likes him, they already live together, she feels sorry for him, says that it’s his wife who’s so and so, and he’s good and kind. I want to ask - maybe I’m wrong and with my friend - a kind, soft, cheerful fat woman with a laugh - he will also become soft and not offend her?

Good afternoon, Elena!
As far as I know, this is definitely not a religion, he is not religious. The term “misogynist” was used by his first wife, and it is likely incorrect. Perhaps he is simply psychologically unstable: he beat his wife, and then said that it was her fault and that she provoked him. Women, including his mother, are to blame for everything and always. When he left, his wife was very happy, but he continued to come to her house, bully her, and threaten to take the children away. As far as I know, she has now left, one might say, she has run away with the children. He told the next girl (this is a friend of my friend, she later found out what happened in his life with his first wife) that his wife was hysterical, that he loved him, but she ruined everything. It all ended with the girl expressing her opinion in a “tone unacceptable to him” and he beat her. There are also such oddities: he believes that a woman and a man are not equal, that a man “owes nothing” to a woman, and a woman should “create emotional comfort for him.” Of course, my friend is sweet and kind, and people feel comfortable with her, but I am very afraid that she will become another victim. How does it look from the point of view of a psychologist - is it true that if a man raised his hand to women in his life, then this will continue again and again with any woman?

Svetlana:

Hello. We’ve been living with my husband for 4 years, 2 of them are married, we don’t have children yet, but I really want to, I’m 24, he’s 28. We live in constant quarrels, shouting, insults, and maybe even hitting. I adequately understand that it is impossible to give birth to children in such horror.
I'll tell you a little about the relationship and us.
My husband is hot-tempered and I’m already becoming hysterical (of course, I’m not a gift either). Often the phrases are heard: “Why are you stupid, you’re brainless, you’re stupid, in those moments that you could not have paid attention to.” I drive poorly, I didn’t close the curtain properly, I didn’t close the door properly, etc., sometimes he screams after thinking up the situation himself, although I explain that this is not so, it’s useless. I tried to leave him, but after a while I begin to miss him when he is good and I return, having taken certain steps myself. Moreover, he doesn’t do anything about this, he may even start saying why do you need me like that. His attitude goes from one extreme to another, he loves and cares (and he knows how to do this), but he can immediately flare up. He may start kicking him out of the house (this is his parents’ house) in a quarrel, saying that I don’t do anything (although the house is always in order, there are still 1st, 2nd, 3rd things prepared for all the neighbors) I work constantly, I earn not bad, even if I was unemployed for a maximum of a week, because I quickly found a new one, which I can’t say about him. I was unemployed for six months, but I didn’t blame him because I couldn’t find him. She often says that I need money (yes, everyone needs it, I’m just used to allowing myself to live, to the extent reasonable), with our debts and loans, I’ve forgotten about myself. I rarely buy anything, I’d rather buy it for him. We go to visit together, I don’t go out, I try to look at the world positively), but for some reason everything is not the same anyway. In a quarrel, he can throw down such words that I sleep with everyone (although he is my second and never even gave me a reason to think so). Some principles, that I should do this and that, when asked what he should do, a scream starts, constantly yelling, don’t measure your balls with me (sorry, I quote). It’s just that in moments of his swearing, I began to respond in kind, because I can stand up for myself. I tried to remain silent, but it became even more impudent, and then I started talking. In front of strangers, he constantly speaks proudly of me, that I’m good, not a prostitute, educated, but in private or in front of his parents and brothers, he seems to forget about it. Although he sometimes praises me to his parents, I no longer understand the duality of his character. And I don’t know whether I should fight this or not. I'm so confused. Assault is a completely different story, well, to be honest, at the beginning of our relationship, I was the first to allow myself to do it (I know that this is impossible, it’s terrible) and it turns out that she made it clear that this is the norm (although this is not the case). And now I’m getting hit on the head for responding to his curse words. After a while, when we make peace, he looks at me with tears, how could I do this, asks himself a question. Should I behave differently? I don’t absolve myself of responsibility, I’m ready to change, change, but is it worth it?

Catherine:

She lived with a tyrant, and began tyrannizing after the birth of her child. I think he took advantage of my weak state at that time. Locked me in four walls with my child (I didn’t let him go anywhere, not even to the store), and found fault with my culinary abilities (as in the article). She began to fight back, so he tried to use force. Threatened with the police, it worked. He drank alcohol, but now for health reasons he cannot drink. We live in my apartment, but he makes good money, he spares no money, he is building a house where, he says, we will live together. They stopped treating me as a woman after I became pregnant. Until now (child 1.6) he is denied not only intimacy, but also sleeping next to him in the same bed. Kicked me out after March 8th. He comes to the child, at this time I can go wherever I want, he still provides. Lives where he builds a house. I love him, but I won’t let myself be offended. Once she kicked me out, after a short time they made up, and the golden cage continued. Now I won't let you go back. I DO NOT want my daughter to watch how he treats me. HOW TO INFLUENCE HIM, IS THERE A CHANCE?

Hello. I am currently in the process of divorcing my husband. He raised his hand to me more than once, our daughter, 2 years 4 months old now, cried, and made me feel guilty that I had brought the child up much beyond what was described. Recently there was a trial due to beatings of my son, they gave my husband a fine, but he also filed a lawsuit against my son and recorded the scratches. We are waiting for the second meeting. He threatens me with the guardianship authorities that he will call there, he often boasts of his rights, that he can take her whenever he wants and for a few days, even though I tell him that I won’t give her an overnight stay while she is small and attached to me. Even for a day I’m afraid to let them go alone because they won’t bring me back. After the divorce, I’m going to file an application with the court so that he communicates with my daughter only in my presence and attach a court order on a fine for beating my son and find my appeal about beatings in the court archives, even though a little over 2 years have passed. And to fight for my daughter, I will not allow her to be frightened and manipulated. I work, I have my own place

My mother has arrived for now, but she won’t be able to come for a long time either. Now I’m thinking, maybe I should quit my job and go see her. But I’m scared to quit for nothing, and I don’t want to ask him and his parents to sit with my daughter during my shifts, I expect some kind of meanness from him. Now she communicates with her daughter in my presence, without conflict, in order to gain time, we made an appointment with a child psychologist at the center for high-conflict divorces so that there would be papers stating that she is not staying with her dad. We must maintain defense. On the 9th we went to the zoo together, my daughter didn’t even come out of the car to hold him in her arms, she started crying in earnest, she was reaching out to me and screaming. And he threatened to sue her for these tears that we were turning our daughter against. Although this was also before our separation.

Yes, my son will be 18 years old in 2 months and is from another marriage. And you’re right about your daughter, he’s not at all interested in what she feels, he considers it a whim. Yesterday I took him to his house, his mother was there, no one really plays with her at home, because she herself doesn’t leave my side there. So again he’s unhappy that my mother is here, asking when she’ll leave and stop showing that she’s helping. He’s angry that I don’t bring his mother my daughter to my shifts now. And when my daughter arrived from there, she was so happy that she was home, she kept asking me to hug me and said more than once that Polya and her mother were so soft and good)). She doesn't seem to be very comfortable there either. I have long noticed her ability to sense the situation; when there is tension, she becomes very moody and sleeps poorly. Yesterday he was annoyed by her whims.

The next day he either agrees, then again, on principle, it is necessary on Saturday and motivates by the fact that I left my daughter with an unknown person (this is about my mother), and he is more important, he is the father (I quote his words). And I’m just on my way to the psychologists, I made a recording for them on a voice recorder, where he demands either to deliver his daughter to his car by 7 in the morning, to go talk, or at 9 in the morning, completely disregarding neither the regime nor the needs.

He always feels wounded when you go against him, even in small things. As for the change of decisions, I haven’t noticed this before in him. On Monday my daughter and I will go together to a psychologist, then he will invite the three of us to observe and conclude who the child is more attached to. I just don’t know if he will go.

He called in the evening, again demanding that his daughter be given to him on Saturday, saying that his mother had come from the dacha and wanted to see her granddaughter, but without me, they didn’t need me (his words). I answered that I wouldn’t give her away alone, because we come there, even though my daughter has been there for almost a year during my shifts, but she doesn’t stay, she clings to me and can’t tear her away. And he plays when he presses the phone buttons and calls his mother with the words “when mom comes.” But he doesn’t understand that she is still small. He slandered my mother again about why she hadn’t gone before, but now she suddenly began to sit with Polinka. In the end, we decided on Sunday, as I said right away. But he’s angry that he didn’t let me pick it up on Saturday. I also told him that his mother has my phone number and can tell me when to bring Polya, or come visit us herself, but he decides too much for everyone. And I’m afraid to give him my daughter on Saturday, because I think that she will harm me through her, so that she runs around and persuades me to bring him back

I don’t work at night, I have a schedule of 2 every 2. My daughter sat with her. His relationship with his mother is smooth, we communicate as before, I haven’t noticed any particular cooling in communication with me. Today she was at home when we came to them for an afternoon nap. And he was again angered by his daughter’s crying when he picked her up during a walk. Well, she doesn’t go to him, she reaches out to me and cries in earnest.

His mother doesn’t know about his anger towards Poly, he doesn’t show her at home, Polyunya is busy with her own affairs and doesn’t come near him much. And my mother considers him a good dad (her words) and that he loves his daughter, shortly before he returned with his things, she told me that Polya was asking where dad was. She is on his side, his son after all.
My daughter and I went to see a psychologist, and the conclusion is only oral that we have very good significant adult self-contact. So everything is on my side here. On Saturday, the psychologist invited the three of us, I suggested that he go and ask questions about Paulie’s behavior, etc. He replied that the behavior was normal and there was no need to go. He refused categorically and immediately.

Christina:

A month before the wedding, the relationship is at an impasse, I have a nervous breakdown, the groom has become a boor, constantly screaming and swearing.
In general, we prepare thoroughly for the wedding, the groom is a perfectionist, and we work out every detail down to the smallest detail. The idea of doing everything ourselves belongs to the groom, no one helps us, he is very boring in this regard. Our tastes are similar, but I am more loyal, he is categorical. now a month before the wedding he goes on a business trip, returns the day before the wedding, and everything is shifted onto me, on the one hand I’m glad, it will be calmer, and on the other hand, when he returns, he will most likely say that everything is wrong, and hands I'm not from the right place. I did almost everything for the wedding myself, he just said that he didn’t like this, he didn’t like other things, and in the end, when everything was fine, he said that you see how great I am, and you would have done nonsense without me... (only That’s not how it’s said to put it mildly, replace it with obscenities). I work in a stressful job, civil service, and am constantly late. And he is a military man, he just recently signed a contract, and he is also constantly late at work, we arrive home together around 20-21.00, I try to discuss wedding issues with him, of course, after I feed him, he screams, freaks out, sends me, says that he has a headache, an arm, a leg, he wants to sleep, or he’s not in the mood, if I’m silent, he yells that I completely forgot about the wedding, if in this case I pleased, then before going to bed he’ll definitely lose his temper, that’s not the case call me zaya for taking so long to brush your teeth, etc... I’m tired, terribly, and two days ago I had a nervous breakdown, I just threw everything I could get my hands on, screamed, cried, I haven’t had such a state since I was a teenager , I’m ashamed in front of my neighbors... and all he said was, pull yourself together, although he brought water to drink and dropped some valerian... now, sitting at work, I understand that I don’t want a wedding, I don’t want to be with him, and only one thing confuses me, that all deposits have been given and the guests have bought tickets for the wedding. One more thing, we have been dating for over 7 years. What should I do, am I going crazy? maybe he will go on a business trip before the wedding, we will calm down, get bored and everything will work out? or is this an indicator of the groom in life? yesterday there was a stage of despair, I stayed with a friend, today there is a stage of terrible anger, and after 3 days he leaves on a business trip, returns in a month and a day later we have a wedding. need to either cancel now, but almost all the guests bought tickets, from distant countries flying... so I’m thinking what to do now.... Maybe it’s me who is overly emotional, we have tension before the wedding, and this is how I perceive everything, or, on the contrary, I’m right, and he really is a tyrant, he needs to be re-educated, or run away before they pay half a million for the wedding…. I'm panicking... he never hit me, but he pushed me hard a couple of times(

And my situation. I have lost almost all my friends, and I have to listen to a lot of nasty things for meeting my only friend. I work, but in order to leave him, I need to leave this job and move to another city to live with my mother. This doesn’t scare me anymore, I believe that I can find another job. But my days have now become unbearable. He doesn’t give me a pass at home, he asks me not to quit and not leave him. He doesn’t hear me, he says that I am going against him, although I calmly explain to him my position that there is no love and there is no way for us to continue trying to establish something, no matter how hard he tries, I cannot. He's trying to put pressure on me with everything possible ways- from persuasion, promises, obsessive affection, which makes me want to run away even faster, to threats of suicide. I voiced these problems to his family, they are aware, but do not interfere. No one seems to believe that I am staying with him not out of love, but out of fear. I realize that it is not him who needs to change, but myself. I have read a lot on this topic, but I don’t know how to practically apply it. When I am determined and confident in myself and my actions, he finds that lever that knocks me out of my strength. I understand that I have to leave him with the children, but I don’t know how to practically put this into action, because there are a number of difficulties. Should I make a plan? And clearly follow it? But how to deal with him? He asks for a chance, I can’t give it to him, but in order not to escalate the situation, I try to do everything quietly and peacefully, and he takes this for my weakness. There was a case when he tried to put a knife in my hands so that I would take his life with my own hands, I tried to run away from him around the apartment, but it didn’t work, then I screamed in horror and cried, then he threw the knife. This is a real threat. I need to go to the police about this, but I didn’t go, at that moment we were going to the hospital with the child. And how can I prove it? And won’t I make it worse by being on the same territory with him? I need psychological and legal help. I get it partly, online, by phone, but when I’m left alone with him I can’t do anything, he’s unbalanced and it’s dangerous to make a row with him. I have no idea what to do.

Christina:

Elena Zenkova:
Hello Christina! Your story is very alarming and it is not at all surprising that you doubt the man and the wedding. Tell us in more detail what the relationship looked like for 7 years? Has this behavior occurred before? How is your contact established, is it easy for you to decide general questions and problems?

To answer your question, I will answer that for 7 years the relationship was not simple... at first he was great, but his jokes... constant sarcasm, compared to other men he is super, he behaved and behaves with restraint, has a sense of humor, dresses stylishly, is competent, moral ... after 2 years he began to forbid everything, to command, I was tired of him and throughout the year there was strong swearing, I defended my position, and tried to leave all the time. but in the end everything returned to normal, he said that he understood everything) then the swearing began again for 3.5 years, but he went to sea, and upon arrival everything worked out) the crisis is next 5.5 years, I’m tired of waiting for an offer from him, and I decided to send everything, I told him that he was acting like a child (he plays on the computer, doesn’t strive for anything, has become lazy, can’t even cook anything for himself, sits at home, doesn’t work, and I have to come home from work and do everything) , and openly began to communicate with other guys (she didn’t hide or delete anything, he saw and knew everything), especially by profession, at that time, it was normal (I was a stylist)... at the age of 6 he began to move, did I have an offer, and in fact, here’s a new crisis, before the wedding!
We solve problems without difficulty, basically we are of the same opinion, the same look, I just solve them quickly, right away, and he thinks for a long time, works through all the moves, and, as a rule, comes to what I said.
It’s just that now this is not usually expressed, before he listened to my words, now, as if I were his subordinate, as if I had to do everything unquestioningly, without asking questions, without expressing my opinion... and if suddenly I do something wrong, but he calls me "on the carpet"! something like this...

My husband lies (but this is to everyone, not just me), but this is nonsense. He insults last words, saying what a bad mother, friend, sister I am, inflating all this with my own invented examples. If you make a remark to him, then it’s a scandal and my whole past, present life and the lives of all my relatives go into the pile! In quarrels he tries to teach me, give me advice (although I don’t ask) and it doesn’t matter that it’s 2 a.m. - he can walk around my bed for hours and accuse me, tell me how disgusting I am, what a disgusting and ungrateful person I am, how I don’t live right and I’m generally rolling downhill. All this can continue for the 10th circle, and not for the first time, and not for the first time. Like a broken record, it doesn’t matter that I have a job, but he doesn’t. Often he deliberately does not let me sleep - he says that since I behave this way, it means he will do it out of spite (and it does not matter that I do not understand my guilt, and probably there is simply no guilt, his imaginary reason). He instilled in his daughter (my daughter from my first marriage) a complex that we fight because of her, but in fact he finds fault with her over trifles, argues that he is raising her (18-year-old), and I simply stand up. He threatens if he has to leave (the place is mine), physical threats (I won’t let you live in peace, if I show up at your place of work, I’ll humiliate you in front of everyone, etc.), property threats (I’ll destroy or take everything out here). He constantly reminds me of what he did, noticing that I am worthless and have achieved nothing in life.
I’m losing my sense of reality and myself, but I’m still holding on. Despite all this, I work (and make good money), we live in my apartment with it being renovated (for which, in a quarrel, they regularly bill me for what they did), I have relatives nearby - I’m not alone. But he managed to get into such an ambush)! And I also thought that this was love and I was lucky! I don’t know anymore...

We have been in a relationship for almost 8 years (we live together, married for 5 years). He always loved to insult and call people names; for him it was always somehow easy. But recent years 3 situations have worsened, it seems to me, or my patience has come to an end, I don’t know. 2 years ago I wanted to get a divorce, but I gave it a second chance, now I think it’s probably in vain. If, as psychologists write, the husband is a tyrant, sociopath and manipulator, then something needs to be decided, we need to end the relationship that is destroying me and terrorizing my daughter (she didn’t choose her father). So I read the articles, I want to try to figure it out, to understand how critical/tragic everything is or how it can still be changed.

There is a group on Facebook: “perverse narcissists, psychopaths.” Read it, you will understand where you are and what to do.
I really sympathize with you, I barely got rid of this myself. Sick people. I almost lost my daughter because of him: he did it, she cut herself.
You can only run away from such people. No more.
And then you will need a psychologist, this is a must.

Elena Zenkova, I’m still not sure that all the symptoms suit my husband, or maybe I just don’t want to believe it. I read a lot of articles, but it doesn’t fit completely. Maybe you can recommend something to read so that my head can see clearly, because to say that I am a very bad husband, I won’t say, at times he is kind, affectionate and generous! Relatives will of course always support.

Christina:

Elena Zenkova:
It seems like your relationship with him has always been a rollercoaster. Your fatigue from such changes is natural and I dare to assume that the relationship will continue to proceed in this style. How is your at the moment What does the situation with the wedding and the man look like?

IN once again everything returned to normal, he arrived the day before the wedding, we played it out (the emotions were genuine, we missed each other), he was called to work immediately after the wedding, we argued for another week (he came home terribly angry), then everything began to get better, now more or less stable, only now I feel that it’s becoming a little cramped, from the series, since you are my wife, then behave this way and not otherwise, in many ways he is right, but in some cases he is too categorical.

The phenomenon of domestic tyranny is very common, and many women complain about their tyrant husband. Life with such a person can hardly be called a fairy tale; moreover, it is dangerous. Therefore, if there is a tyrant husband in the family, everyone should know how to behave with him in order to protect themselves from harm.

Who are tyrant husbands?

Experts identify three groups of tyrants, but it must be said that in nature it is difficult to meet them in pure form, often mixed.

Total control.
Psycho-emotional tyrants.
Physical violence.

Men belonging to the first group strive to take complete control of all family members. They independently make decisions for the whole family. Absolutely everything is controlled: what the wife wears, who the wife and child communicate with, when someone returns home, what literature they read.

When someone shows independence, the tyrant becomes furious. Invented as punishment a whole series prohibitions: for example, if a man thinks that his wife is wearing provocative makeup, he will prohibit cosmetics; if a child stays late after school with friends, he may be deprived of pocket money.

This also includes jealous people. They strictly control who their wife communicates with. A jealous person sees a potential threat in every man, regardless of age. Any changes in the wife’s appearance are perceived as a desire to please some man.

The second group includes tyrants who take pleasure in humiliating family members. Such men find fault with both their wife and children over the slightest trifles. They humiliate their wife, criticizing her appearance, education, and culinary abilities. As a rule, they call children nonentities and lazy people who will not achieve anything in life. To know how to resist such tyrants, you should consult a psychologist, because life with him will be simply unbearable.

The third group of tyrants is the most dangerous, since they try to prove their superiority through physical violence. Such men consider it normal to brutally beat their children and wife. Often such tyrants drink alcohol, and therefore there is a risk of losing control over themselves.

It is worth noting that such tyrants are often not confident in themselves, weak personalities, which combine cowardice, narcissism and an inferiority complex. Only people with low self-esteem can assert themselves at the expense of others. Only you can decide whether to tolerate or get rid of such a spouse, but such a relationship will not bring anything good.

Reasons for maintaining a family with a tyrant husband

Children

A strong maternal instinct suppresses a woman’s will and forces her to stay in the family with her husband. A woman with a small child in her arms forgets about her interests and the child’s well-being becomes the primary goal.

Almost all women go on maternity leave after the birth of a child, and the responsibility for maintaining the family falls on the man. And then the tyrant takes over all control of the family, and the wife becomes an ordinary servant who must raise children, clean, cook, and care for her husband. Often such men write to their wives a list of things that they must do before he arrives, and if something is not done, it will infuriate him, and physical violence is not excluded.

The wife tries with all her might to change the tyrant - she takes care of him, follows all instructions. However, tyranny not only does not stop, but also intensifies, the tyrant finds new reasons for using assault. If the spouse humbly endures all the beatings, then over time this will turn into a regular ritual.

Memories

This is another reason why a wife does not dare to divorce a tyrant. Many women who suffer beatings from their husbands like to say that the man was not like this before. People don’t know how to get rid of memories, and they hold on to them with all their might. But you need to understand, no matter how wonderful your husband was before, you will never get him back, and you will have to put up with a tyrant all your life. But think carefully, are you ready to live your whole life with a tyrant, putting yourself and your children at risk?

How to protect yourself from a tyrant?

A psychologist’s advice, which is worth listening to, will help you protect yourself from your husband’s tyranny.

Don't change your husband. It is worth noting that tyranny is an innate feeling, and therefore if a man does not meet proper resistance, then it will manifest itself more and more often with renewed vigor. It is impossible to convince or change a tyrant; it is not even worth wasting your time.
Try to suppress any manifestation of tyranny. Every woman should remember that she is an individual and no one should infringe on your freedom and rights. You cannot put up with your husband's tyrannical point of view. Such men do not understand normal language, and therefore, when your husband begins to use tyranny towards you, there is no need to be afraid - answer him.

If even after this your spouse continues to humiliate you, then do not be afraid and slap him in the face. If there is no result, then give another one and stronger. In the event of a retaliatory strike, there is only one way out - divorce. You need to think sensibly, because a man who raises his hand against a woman cannot be worthy of respect. If he hit once, then be sure that it will be repeated again and again.

Do not break off relations with relatives. Only family and friends will be able to help and listen to you in difficult times, so never stop communicating with them. If there is a child in the family, then after the next attack of tyranny you will be able to hide with him with your relatives.

If your husband’s seizures become more and more frequent, then think carefully about whether you need such a husband. Respect yourself and don't let anyone infringe on your rights.

Video on the topic of the article

Domestic tyranny has long been a common phenomenon in human society. And it remains so, despite the progress that humanity has made in the struggle for human rights and gender equality. Life with a tyrant is not only unpleasant, it is dangerous. And to avoid it, you need to recognize the signs of tyranny in time.

How to recognize a tyrant husband?

First of all, a tyrant is a person with a power complex. It is important for him to feel like the master of the house, while suppressing the will of family members, considered as potential competitors. He is incapable of making any concessions. Often the best time for him to show himself “in all his glory” is during pregnancy and the period immediately after childbirth, when a woman feels weak and helpless and objectively depends on the care of her husband.

From a psychological point of view, such a desire for power is classified as neurosis. The roots of the desire to humiliate and subjugate others are hidden far in the depths of the subconscious. A tyrant never admits that he is a tyrant, neither to others nor to himself. He seeks justification for his inclinations, citing traditions and the like.

The root of the problem is that the world of a neurotic is divided into strong and weak. And he often strives to prove his strength in order to compensate for hidden insecurities and his own weakness, for which he despises himself. The vanity of a despot is infinitely sensitive to everything, even the most harmless jokes.

For a neurotic, those around him are primarily objects of self-affirmation. The tyrant seeks to assert his power by any means in an accessible way. The lever for control can be fear, guilt, etc. His favorite activity– “educating” and “punishing” members of one’s family – wife and children.

When we talk about tyranny, we are usually talking about psychological violence, but it happens that it comes to assault. And it should be noted that for most women this is not a reason to break up a relationship. They stay and endure, in best case scenario making attempts to change her husband's character for the better. What makes them stay?

Reasons for keeping the family together

There are two such reasons.

First, of course, children. It is unlikely that there will be any person knowledgeable in life who will underestimate the maternal instinct. The well-being of the child always comes first for a woman, above her own. There is also a purely mercantile component here. After all, a woman, having given birth, usually goes on maternity leave and devotes all her free time to the child.

The costs of maintaining the family fall on the shoulders of the husband. And here the tyrant, seeing that the woman has become dependent on him, can turn around to the fullest. He forbids her to communicate with friends, demands an account of all her movements, and the like.

The second significant reason is previous memories. Women remember how their partner treated them when they were in love, and they hold on to these memories with all their might. This is unacceptable, because now they are facing, in fact, a completely different person. The husband is a tyrant, always dissatisfied with everything - your environment, appearance, way of life.

Types of Tyranny

Every dysfunctional family with a tyrant husband has its own type of tyranny, and they are often combined with each other. Let us list the main ones in order to have a more complete understanding of the problem.

Economic. We have already mentioned it briefly above. The family budget is under the total control of the tyrant spouse. A woman is forced to ask for money for every little thing, including travel to public transport. Why shouldn't she earn money on her own? There are two options here. The family tyrant can, under one pretext or another, categorically prohibit her from doing this, or take away wages and manage the funds independently.
Psycho-emotional. A woman’s opinion on any matter is completely ignored; her husband’s opinion is accepted as the only correct one. “Because I said so!” - his only argument in in this case. Disobedience in any small matter always entails an acute conflict.
Sexy. A natural continuation of the previous type, affecting intimate life. The tyrant husband uses a woman as a weak-willed sexual toy, without any regard for her desires and preferences in sex.
Physical. This type is used if the tyrant is dissatisfied with the results of the types described above. Assault is his last argument. Each time, as a rule, the beatings become more severe, causing deep physical and emotional wounds to the woman. The use of force means the final death of the relationship. Nothing can be changed here, and the most best option- leave the despot. Ideally, even contact law enforcement agencies. But not every woman is able to decide on this; fear paralyzes her mind.

How to protect yourself from tyranny

Modern psychologists have developed a set of basic rules that can help victims of family tyranny. So, in order.

You shouldn't try to change a tyrant. For many men, it is part of their nature. Having not met resistance, he will be convinced of his own impunity, and will use violence again and again, more and more intensely, going into a rage. So don't waste your time and move straight to the next rule.
You cannot get away with the slightest manifestation of disrespect for your personality. Attempts at violence must be nipped in the bud. Do not forget for a second the inviolability of personal free will. Don't put up with their character, and remember that their point of view is not the absolute truth. Tyrants are often deaf to convictions, and each of your insults is a point in his favor. Therefore, violence cannot be left unanswered, no matter how difficult it may be to give a decisive rebuff. If you have a timid character, you will have to change it, gain strength and self-confidence. Otherwise, you will lose what remains of your pride. If a verbal answer does not help, feel free to slap him in the face. It didn’t help - another one. If the answer is assault, only divorce will save you. A man who raises his hand to the fair sex does not deserve respect. If he did it once, he will do it repeatedly in the future. If the slap shocks the spouse, there is a chance. Perhaps he will reconsider his beliefs and will continue to take you into account.
Under no circumstances follow the tyrant’s lead, especially if he wants to limit your communication with your family. Remember - your relatives will always listen to you, understand and help you. You can always enlist their support and, if necessary, caused by another outbreak of violence, temporarily move in with them, including with your child.
You should always have a helpline and telephone number at your fingertips. hotline”social service. Women are much more susceptible to emotions than men. And the negative emotions that arise as a result of the conflict can often cause significant harm to themselves. So don’t hesitate to dial the right number and get qualified help from a psychologist.
And finally, the most important thing. Think about it - if you are subjected to violence every day, do you need such a family? Don’t let the tyrant ruin your life, don’t be afraid to put a decisive end to the relationship if necessary. Remember - your dignity is above all.

Tyrants are not born, so where do they come from? The answer to this question must be sought in the personality of the one who is considered a despot. Our conversation will focus on the tyrant husband in the family, although it often happens that the woman plays the first “despotic” violin in a relationship.

It seems like just recently they were like this loving couple, well, you just can’t spill water, but then suddenly after the wedding he became suspicious and picky about his other half. And where did love go?! The young wife cannot come to her senses and understand how it happened that the man she loved so dearly suddenly became a monster?

Psychologists consider tyranny as a serious mental disorder - neurosis, which is often a consequence of an inferiority complex that developed in childhood. Let's say the boy was underestimated, but he really wanted to be noticed. The man grew up, got married, but this passion to stand out, to attract attention, remained. But what if he feels insecure among people?

For the time being, an unrealized desire is hidden deep in the soul and suddenly breaks through only in the family, unfolding here in all its “strength and power.” So often a quiet and outwardly modest, decent young man becomes a tyrant in the family.

The main reasons for tyranny in the family

The origins of family tyranny lie in psychological characteristics personality. The most common reasons why a husband often becomes a tyrant in the family are:

Lust for power. Strives for total control and tries to regulate all aspects of life, when only he decides what to do and how to behave. Let’s say how a wife should dress, when she needs to come home from work, what she needs to cook. And attempts to resist such dictatorship are suppressed by rude shouts and punishment. For example, a wife may be denied the purchase of a necessary item, and a child, if he did not finish his homework on time, may not be allowed to go out with his peers.
The pleasure of humiliating your loved ones. This is nothing more than a manifestation of an inferiority complex. If a boy was humiliated and insulted by his parents, they did not allow him to fully realize his childhood fantasies under the pretext that “these are harmful inventions,” all this remained deep in his soul and left its mark on his character. He is formed with low self-esteem and vindictiveness: “When I grow up, I will show you!..” And when his own family appears, he subconsciously realizes his emotions suppressed in childhood on his wife and children. No one close to you will ever hear from such a person. kind words- neither to yourself nor to your friends. And relatives, for example, wives, all this and that, among them there is not one good man. The tyrant husband takes pleasure from such statements, seeing how his loved ones suffer. This is already a serious mental disorder, bordering on sadism.
Jealousy. The property is natural, but if it goes beyond all permissible boundaries, when it becomes an all-consuming and all-consuming feeling, it turns into its opposite - tyranny. The husband watches literally every step and glance of his wife, her manner of dressing and appearance. It seems to him that she is cheating on him with someone else and is trying to look beautiful for him. This is already a clinic when a jealous person can literally become jealous of a telegraph pole.
Beatings. An extreme manifestation of despotism, often associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. A person who is unsure of himself often tries to “get rid of” his loved ones with his fists and show his strength. This is how he asserts his authority in the family. Life with such a monster becomes dangerous, and there are often cases when the assault of a monster husband ends sadly for his wife or children.
Material dependence. When a wife depends on the financial situation of her husband, for example, she earns a little, in maternity leave or suddenly she gets sick, her despot husband begins to “download” his rights, that he supports her, without him she is nothing, etc.

Important to know! The basis of family despotism, when the honor and dignity of the wife and children is humiliated, is moral immaturity; its reasons lie in the inferiority complex that the tyrant husband in the family has suffered since childhood.

Signs of a tyrant husband in the family

Signs of a future husband-tyrant in the family may appear even before the wedding, for example, the guy does not listen to criticism addressed to him, believes that only he is right in everything, this should already be alarming. In family life, one of the main factors of tyranny is the desire for leadership.

There are many nuances here, let’s take a closer look:

High self-esteem. Associated with an inferiority complex. Deep down he considers himself better than everyone else, but this was not appreciated. Therefore, he does not accept any other point of view. Always thinks he is right.
Feeling superior. The wife's opinion is always wrong. “You have the wrong idea!” So gradually her word is reduced to nothing insignificant, the woman feels inferior, she develops a feeling of guilt, she becomes dependent on the judgments of her husband.
Hard to please. He evaluates all the actions of his half critically. Only he knows how good it should be.
Negative comments about others. Constant criticism of friends, acquaintances and relatives not only of his wife, but also of his own. This can be called the desire to limit the circle of contacts in order to control all aspects of the life of a loved one.
Only him main man in her life! The idea is instilled that without him she is nothing. This is done casually with various jokes and insults, covered with the phrase “Yes, I love you!” This is how the wife’s physical and psychological dependence gradually develops.
Avoids responsibility. Picky and arrogant in the family, but public life does not show himself in any way, under any pretext he avoids serious responsibilities.
Alcohol (drug) abuse. They give him a sense of confidence for family “showdowns.”
Gets satisfaction when he takes his anger out on loved ones. This is from internal complex inferiority, in childhood his parents took out their irritation on him, now he, even unconsciously, “takes it out” on his family.
Tone of communication. He covers up his inner weakness by shouting and constantly speaks in a raised voice.
Jealous attitude towards wife's success. He strives to keep a tight rein on his half, because her successes, if she works, stand across her throat, because, as he believes, they humiliate his dignity.
The family budget is only in his hands. The desire for overall control in the family extends to finances. Only he knows how much, on what and how to spend money.

Important to know! When a woman begins to be afraid of her man and tries to please him in everything, she becomes psychologically dependent on him. This main feature a tyrant husband in the family.

How to deal with a tyrant husband

How to live with a tyrant husband, if it just so happened that he began to show despotic tendencies, and you absolutely cannot afford to leave him, let’s say, the children are very small, and he has a good income? We need to try to change the situation. And here the most important thing is to defend your independence. Only on the basis of trusting and equal relationships can you maintain a healthy family and not traumatize your and your children’s psyche.

How to behave with a tyrant husband - follow the advice that will help protect you from your husband’s unfair claims and, hopefully, help him come to his senses:

Try to be financially independent. Working or having your own business will help you always have pocket money for personal expenses, so that you don’t have to turn to your husband for any reason. This is the key to an independent position.
Don't let your freedom be limited. You must have your own circle of friends with whom you can communicate from time to time. Behave in such a way that your husband will respect your friends and relatives.
Don't please! Do as you see fit so that peace and order reign in the family. Under no circumstances should you give in to his whims.
Show restraint! Do not respond to shouts and dissatisfaction in kind; try to behave calmly and with dignity. This will cool his temper and make him see you as a strong person.
Stop any attempts to humiliate your dignity. If you meekly accept swearing, especially swearing, or other attempts to humiliate you as a woman, it will become a habit and become the norm of communication. This is a direct path to a powerless situation in the family.
You need to live today! Don't hold on to the memory that "he was so good!" This is already in the past, but today is the way it happened. You need to start from what you have and try to rebuild your relationship.
Don't be afraid to show that you want to leave. Not only do they love beautiful women, strong in spirit, attract men. If you show that you can easily do without him and raise the children yourself, this may make him change his mind.

It is not easy to resist a tyrant husband, so you should know the telephone number of a helpline or other social service that can help in a difficult situation. Don’t be left alone with your problem, a specialist will always help valuable advice, which is so necessary.

How to leave a tyrant husband

What if it is impossible to live with a tyrant husband under the same roof? It’s better to be the master of your own destiny than to just go with the flow, maybe you’ll wash up on a good shore, although, as a rule, you’ll wash up on a bad one.

Even in such a difficult situation, you can always find a way out. If you have already tried to fight for your relationship, your family, especially since you already have children, but everything turned out to be in vain, then you just need to pack your things, take the children and leave. And don’t be afraid of his screams and threats that “you’ll die without me!” The radical option is divorce.

But before you get rid of your tyrant husband, you need to calculate your next steps. If possible, you need to return to your parents, although they will not always enthusiastically accept the return of the “prodigal” daughter. Maybe friends or acquaintances will help with the apartment. If, for various reasons, it is not possible to find separate housing, it is necessary to contact a special service responsible for the safety of such socially disadvantaged families.

Important! A tyrant in the family is a serious problem that requires immediate resolution. If a woman has resigned herself to a tyrant husband, this lies on her conscience, but what can await children in such a family? They suffer, and when they grow up, they will make others suffer.

How to get rid of a tyrant husband - watch the video:

There are no hopeless situations, there is an inability to find a way out of them. You don't need to let your life take its course. Only a strong personality is able to control his own destiny. If you want to leave your tyrant husband, do it without regard to your past life with him. Best years you still have a long way to go!