Betrayal in the family and why it happens. What to do now? What do we know about the reasons for betrayal?

This question is not easy to answer, because situations can be different, and it even happens that no one is to blame for this, but it happened and both men and women want to know what to do and how to live after betrayal.

Why and why a man cheats even if he loves his wife very much, what does this mean?

Many men are polygamous by nature. They just need to have a few women around them. And it doesn’t mean at all that he loves those with whom he has a connection. Often he does not even know the name of the beautiful person with whom he spent the night.

Others cheat to prove to themselves that they are still capable of much and it is too early to write them off as waste material.

There are also those who cheat for real or imaginary treason, and even for bad attitude to himself from his wife.

Why does cheating occur in relationships on the female side, young couple, psychology

Most women who cheat justify themselves by saying that their husband does not satisfy them in bed. Others take revenge for betrayal. Still others completely stop perceiving their husband as an object of a certain desire. They see him at home dressed in sports sweatpants with elongated knees and a torn T-shirt, but just recently he was clean-shaven, immaculately dressed and with gorgeous bouquet flowers.

Why does a married man cheat in a civil marriage in the first years, but does not leave the family?

Because family is family. There the wife will feed, wash, iron. But you still need to arrange everyday life with your mistress, and it’s not a fact that it will turn out the way you want. It’s easier to meet from time to time and get bored without thinking about everyday matters.

Why does a man cheat before, before, after the wedding, how he behaves, how to behave and the right thing to do

Before the wedding, he wants to understand whether you are the only one he needs for the rest of his life.

Before the wedding, a man cheats because he wants to have fun. He thinks that before the wedding it’s not really cheating.

After the wedding, because he’s tired of the same woman and wants new sensations.

Cheating men take care of themselves, devote little time to their wife, and deprive her of attention, including in bed.

Before you start a conflict, decide whether you want to live with him further, whether you love him or not. Find out the reason for the action. If this is an affair, then feel free to slap him, cry, have a heart-to-heart talk, make peace and forget. If everything is serious there, it’s a scam.

Why does a man cheat on his girlfriend with his ex-wife?

Perhaps he cannot forget his ex-wife. Or maybe she seduced him herself. She asked me to help with some little thing, hoping to keep her in this way. It's better to talk and find out the reason.

Why does a man cheat when everything is fine, when he drinks, he has three children

A drunk person loses control over his emotions. He would be happy to refuse, but he can’t. Desires become stronger than reason. If such betrayals occur frequently, you need to make it clear that you are tired of enduring it. Tell a story where the wife also drank and could not control her emotions.

Cheating or adultery will be the main topic of the publication. We have all heard stories about how a husband cheated on his wife, and a wife cheated on her husband, and due to the fact that we hear more and more such stories, a logical question may arise - is cheating really that bad? There is no need to immediately throw stones at me for such thoughts; a priori, I believe that betrayal is bad, in the context of a marital relationship, it is a violation by one of the spouses of previously made promises to the other. But... nevertheless, there is a but. Not everything is so simple - any betrayal of a wife or husband is not a reason, but only a consequence of a number of events in their life.

Since today we have very hot topic- about the reasons for betrayal, then when we talk about betrayal, we will mean adultery in established couples. I would like to immediately say about my feeling that recently most marriages break up due to infidelity. Observing couples I know, I can say that cheating not only has a negative impact on family relationships and mutual understanding, but also often leads to disastrous consequences in the long term.

The other day, I was visiting Depils, and since it was my turn to choose a topic for an evening get-together, I suggested discussing the reasons for adultery and, as it turned out, this topic is interesting to absolutely everyone. Unfortunately, relationships between women and men are not immune from infidelity – events that, as a rule, are difficult to experience and entail unpleasant consequences, including separation.

Almost always, a person who has been cheated on thinks about the reasons for what happened. The reasons that underlie cheating can be completely different. Personally, in my mind there is still a “tug of war” between the facts and arguments of male and female infidelity, but in general I share Depils’s opinion about adultery. He believes that adultery occurs in two cases:

in the first case he and she, before the start of their marital relationship, did not find out anything about each other or did it very superficially, and as a result, after some time one of this couple can hear “I thought she...”, “I thought that he...", "it seemed to me...". Such statements or thoughts indicate that real person does not correspond to a certain idealized image in the speaker’s head and disappointment sets in, and what happens next... That’s right, and what follows is a break in the relationship - this is ideally or the consolation of one’s own disappointment in the arms of others.

in the second case couples forget that a relationship is, first of all, a partnership between a man and a woman, and adultery is born where they forget that in a marital relationship, the rights and responsibilities in relation to the partner take precedence. For example, spouses in a couple have a preferential right to have sex over each other, so if one of them does not exercise this right, then he must understand that there will always be someone else who will fill this vacuum. This provision also works if one of the spouses forgets about the priority of marital responsibilities, replacing or replacing them with something else; in this case, there will always be someone from the outside who will take on these responsibilities.

Relationships between women and men are not immune to cheating

I don’t yet know how fully I will be able to reveal the reasons for the betrayal, but I promise to tell you about everything that we remembered during the conversation. And the first thing we identified are the reasons for betrayal in general, without dividing them into the causes of male or female betrayal: accumulated fatigue, the search for a feeling of love, the thirst for revenge, sexual dissatisfaction, long separation, complete discord in family life. We found several data from surveys and it turned out that more than half of Russians claim that a partner’s infidelity is a good reason for divorce. Moreover, to make a decision about separation, women often only need indirect signs of their husband’s infidelity.

Have you noticed that our society is still dominated by the cultural and historical cliché that a man is polygamous by nature, although not every spouse needs victories on the side. However, this cliché influences the behavior of representatives of both sexes: some men believe that it is not worth “missing” an opportunity that presents itself, and some women, upon discovering signs of their husband’s infidelity, resort to all serious measures in revenge.

Female infidelity today is no longer as shocking as it was many years ago, but since there are no statistics on this issue, it is generally accepted that there are more men cheating in marriage than women. It’s really hard to say how it really is, I’m tormented by strong doubts about this and there are serious reasons for this. Let's just say my professional responsibilities give me the opportunity to communicate with a very large number of men and women, and according to my data, it turns out that the number of cheating men is no more than the number of cheating women, and then it’s even more interesting. 2/3 of men admitted to cheating on their women, while among women only 1/5 admitted to cheating on their men. It is also interesting that half of the men who confessed did it on their own, the other half were actually caught at that very moment. But for women the situation is completely different; in the overwhelming majority of women, they confessed to cheating only when they were caught at that very moment.

two thirds of all marriages break up due to adultery

However, regardless of who cheated, two thirds of all marriages break up precisely for this reason - because of adultery. This is a lot. Why is this happening? Psychologists do not have consensus on this score: someone is sure that sexual victories increase male self-esteem, while others think that women simply do not attach much importance to casual relationships and do not see them as a threat to marriage. In addition, everything depends on the upbringing of both spouses and the behavior patterns of their parents. However, not everything is so simple. In fact different men And women can be pushed to cheat on completely different specific reasons.

Many of us are afraid of cheating, because it means that the partner does not realize the value of a trusting relationship, that he selfishly satisfies his own needs, forgetting about the feelings of the other. We look for various signs of infidelity by a wife or husband, trying to find out in advance what they might look like - in order to try to preserve our fragile happiness, being armed with knowledge... But knowledge about what? And what does this knowledge give us about the signs of infidelity in a woman or man? Can we dramatically turn the situation in our favor? Hardly. Let's not let ourselves be deceived year after year? Maybe. Will we have time to slam the door before our partner comes clean? Unless.

However, knowing the signs of betrayal will not help you get your spouse back: if one of them has already found (or is just about to find) a mistress or lover, you need to think not about the consequences, but about the reasons for such a decision. Caring only about the consequences will not save a marriage. And having understood the reasons, having analyzed your relationship, you will be able to draw a conclusion - whether your marriage will exist or not, whether it will fall under the weight of betrayal or become stronger after correcting mistakes, so you will understand what needs to be done to return your husband or wife.

What do we know about the reasons for betrayal?

Accumulated fatigue as a reason for betrayal

The desire to find new love arises when there is a complete lack of mutual understanding in a marriage. Over the course of a long life together, it appears large number problems and relationships fade into the background. In this regard, hostility towards each other grows and the feeling of love disappears. The image of the “other half” is gradually replaced by the image of “something in a robe and with curlers, or something lying in front of the TV.” The resulting void wants to be filled with something, and the spouses begin to search for new partners.

New love can cause betrayal

Even after being married for a long time and having several children together, sometimes people meet new love. All feelings of attachment fade into the background, and the desire to start all over again arises. Many are simply looking for a new love experience. I want to relive the feeling of falling in love and initial stage relationships, there is not enough attention and affection from a permanent partner. The search for a new love experience, as a rule, is typical for marriages with “experience”, or for families in which it is customary to get everything possible from life.

The reason for betrayal may be a desire for revenge or punishment.

This desire arises mainly after adultery of one of the partners. It seems to you that your partner is cheating on you, and, accordingly, you also have the right. Revenge creates a desire to cheat with strangers, after which it develops into a mutual habit. Thus, the couple immediately approaches divorce.

Seeking sexual variety as a reason for cheating

Permanent relationships cannot satisfy sexual demands; if partners do not satisfy each other in bed, a desire arises to realize their sexual fantasies, somewhere on the side. There may be an interest in whether you can find on the side what is missing in your family sexual life, and instead of reaching an agreement or diversifying your sex life, partners are looking for a way out through infidelity in order to make up for the missing feelings.

Cheating due to physiological dissatisfaction

We decided to consciously separate the physiological cause of infidelity from the desire for sexual variety. Women are sometimes guided by the instinct of motherhood - in half of the cases they cheat during the period of ovulation, when there is the greatest chance of getting pregnant. If our physiology remains unsatisfied day after day, then the body will actively demand to correct this; at the genetic level, this is necessary for procreation. The initial period of a relationship is characterized by the production of a certain hormone, which then gradually decreases, and the person instinctively begins to look for this “dose” in infidelity. A spontaneous surge of hormones can trigger infidelity. But after such cases, a person often realizes that he does not want to change anymore. But if a person experiences a hyper-need for betrayal, it is useless to hope that such a partner will ever improve.

Prolonged separation sometimes leads to adultery

When partners are at a long distance from each other for a long time, a feeling of uselessness is created. I would like to fulfill my needs at least once and satisfy myself. This often happens after taking a certain dose of alcohol. A person thinks that nothing will change overnight and this behavior becomes habitual.

Complete family breakdown leads to infidelity

This is the case when the relationship has reached a complete impasse, and there is simply no way out of it. A married couple cannot live together. Mutual hostility has reached such a level that even being close to each other brings a number of moral problems. There is a desire to break off the relationship, but the partner does not want to understand or does not notice this. Cheating in this case is a radical way to show that your relationship is coming to an end. There is no desire to discuss relationships, it is easier to show through action - betrayal and, as a result, the breakdown of the family. Cheating is the actual result of creating a new relationship when an existing relationship is perceived as unviable.

Cheating due to lack of self-satisfaction

You have thoughts about whether someone can still sympathize with you, whether you will be able to seduce someone. It seems to you that you didn’t have enough partners, so you try to make up for lost time. Cheating is a reason to escape from any other problems: in the family, at work. You have a lover, and by this you are trying to prove to yourself that age has no effect on you in bed.

Social dissatisfaction as a reason for betrayal

Do you feel like your current partner is not right for you? social status, I want a more prosperous life next to a wealthy person, the stereotypes “Everyone has a lover”, “ Social status dictates to have a lover,” “Everyone changes.” Cheating gives you the opportunity to be yourself if your spouse prevents this.

Random connection

When betrayal is not characterized by regularity and depth of experience (drunkenness, persistence of a partner, “opportunity”).

It turns out that with joint efforts we can name many reasons for cheating, but... I want to say, I want to convey everything - before plunging into love adventures, you should always think: how will this affect your permanent relationship? Most likely, they will either experience stress or collapse altogether. If something doesn’t suit you in your family life, try to first solve the problem by talking with your significant other, and you will always have time to go down this very dangerous path.

Studying the statistics of betrayal

In the vastness of the Internet, I found a recording of a conversation with Anatoly Zaitsev, Candidate of Philosophy, a sociologist who has been seriously studying the problems of marital infidelity for a long time.

– Anatoly Nikolaevich, what is the first step on the path to infidelity? After all, people don’t walk down the aisle just to have someone to cheat on...

65% of husbands and 68% of wives believe that intrafamily factors are the main causes of adultery. But the approach, the first step to betrayal, I think, is fantasies and dreams. It turned out that very often - almost daily - 15.9% of men and 25.5% of women fantasize about breaking the marital bond, and occasionally - 65.4% and 55.9%, respectively. It turns out that about 80% of spouses actively cheat on each other in fantasies, during dreams...

– So why are Hymen’s bonds still being broken?

In my research, I limited myself to the main, basic motives for violation of marital fidelity. The first among them is the fading of a feeling, its displacement by a new one. For this reason, 7.2% of husbands and 19.9% ​​of wives cheat (hereinafter the percentages are from total number cheating, and not from all married couples). The explanation for the preponderance in favor of the fair sex, I think, can be found in the world of feelings, emotional assessments, which are still more characteristic of women.

A man can change purely carnally, as if mechanically. As a rule, a woman’s path to infidelity lies through the spiritual rejection of her husband; she begins to be attracted to another person. But the next motive - the desire to experience something new - is more typical for men: 34.8%, but there are also many representatives of the fair sex in this category - 19.1%.

– Although we said that the main reason for betrayal is intra-family relationships, still, probably, the behavior of friends and acquaintances also affects?

No, research shows that the lifestyle of others and friends has little effect on morality. For this reason, 0.6% of husbands and 1.5% of wives cheat. But there is another one here important factor: parents' lifestyle. It just greatly influences the relationship between the spouses. If both parents cheated, then the likelihood that their son or daughter will also not be faithful reaches up to 80%. If only the mother was unfaithful, then this also largely affects the son and daughter. If the father cheated, then only the son is more likely to take the path of infidelity. It is interesting that the stereotype of father's behavior has almost no influence on the daughter.

1.1% of husbands and 10.3% of wives take revenge on their spouse by cheating. The difference, apparently, can be explained by the fact that the woman still knows more about her husband, but she herself is more secretive.

We often encounter human aggression, verbal and physical... Aggression and rudeness give rise to alienation, double morality, and the desire to find compensation. A partner's rude attitude was cited as the reason for infidelity by 6% of husbands and 9% of wives. In conflict situations, not only words like “fool”, “cretin”, “bastard”, “beast” are used, but very often husbands curse their wives (16%), and wives curse their husbands (4%). It's terrible, but a third of spouses swear in front of their children. Sometimes things are not limited to words alone...

Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage serves as a motive for infidelity for 8.8% of husbands and 12.5% ​​of wives. Boredom is often a constant companion of sex when we are talking about a marriage that is more than 5 years old. These figures, I think, characterize changes in morality and the role of sex. In the past, women were constrained by class and religious attitudes. Once upon a time in Russia, a woman could even be subject to penance - a temporary ban on sexual activity if they found out that she was active in bed with her husband. Our morals have certainly changed since then...

A long-term absence of a partner (a business trip, one of the spouses going to a resort, illness) pushes 11.6% of husbands and 9.6% of wives to cheat.

Among other motives for betrayal that do not require special comment, I would mention an attempt to test one’s sexual capabilities, to be convinced of one’s own attractiveness (10% of husbands and 6% of wives). Cheating under the influence of “random” circumstances: alcohol, partying in a group – 12% of men, 5% of women.

– Tell me, where do future lovers most often meet?

At the place of work. It is there that 28.7% of husbands find their mistresses, and 31.3% of wives find lovers. But often on vacation: 20.7% of men and 34% of women. And on business trips - only 9.8% of men and 2.6% of women. There are not many adventures in the place of residence: 4% of husbands have neighbor lovers and 10% of wives have neighbor lovers...

Studies have shown that 55% of men have mistresses married women. 71% of women have a lover who is a married man. Only 10.3% of unfaithful spouses cheat with single people. By the way, it turned out that during their lifetime in a legal marriage, 18.8% of husbands had one mistress and 44% of wives had one lover. That is, in fact, about half of the women cheated on their spouses with only one person.

Reasons for adultery in the book "Family Psychology"

Andreeva T.V. in the book "Family Psychology" provides the following data. There are different reasons given for engaging in extramarital affairs. Thus, T. M. Zaslavskaya and V. A. Grishin indicate seven motives:

1. New love. This reason is typical for marriages where there is little or no love (rational, rational or forced marriages based on profit, fear of loneliness).

2. Retribution- the desire to take revenge for adultery.

3. Scolded love- lack of reciprocity, unrequited feelings. Finding love in another partnership where reciprocity is possible. Sometimes the cheater himself does not like the new partner, but responds to his feelings.

4. Finding a new love experience, as a rule, is typical for marriages with significant experience, or it can be in families with such a morality, when they strive to get everything possible from life.

5. Replenishment- with the help of adultery they try to make up for the lack of love relationships - due to long separation, illness of the spouse and other restrictions on the fullness of love in marriage.

6. Total family breakdown: betrayal is the actual result of creating a new family when the first one is perceived as unviable.

7. Random connection- when betrayal is not characterized by regularity and depth of experience (intoxication, partner’s persistence, “opportunity”).

O. Loseva (1990) writes about the differences in motivations for cheating between men and women. According to a sociological survey, men most often explain this by sexual need. For the most part, this need, not associated with any emotional or spiritual aspects of communication, is satisfied with random, unfamiliar partners (such relationships accounted for about 1/3 of all extramarital contacts) or in short-term, “fleeting” relationships with long-time acquaintances, colleagues, wives friends, etc. (1/4 of all connections).

Of the same origin are sexual relations provoked by the temporary absence of the wife - departure on a business trip, vacation, etc. The departure of the wife was regarded by some of the respondents as sufficient grounds for searching for a temporary replacement. Many men considered alcohol intoxication to be the direct cause of extramarital affairs. However, according to Loseva, it is more correct to regard it as a contributing circumstance.

In third place (in descending order of importance) is love for another woman. This circumstance was pointed out by one out of ten men who have extramarital affairs. Thus, for men, the role of love as a motive for extramarital affairs is small.

Every tenth of men who enter into extramarital affairs is driven by curiosity. In a number of cases, men enter into extramarital affairs during quarrels with their wife, in the heat of the moment, out of a desire for revenge and self-affirmation. Some of those who responded were, in their words, “victims” of the women’s persistence.

The largest group (more than 1/3) were made up of those who did not answer the question, that is, they could not or did not want to analyze what prompted them to have extramarital affairs.

K. Botwin (1995), citing David Moulton, argues that most of the infidelities of American men occur in the 14th year of marriage or around that time, when the crisis date approaches - the fortieth birthday (37-39 years is the most statistically likely age).

Men's infidelity is provoked by: the wife's pregnancy (the wife begins to feel unfree, and the wife begins to be perceived as a mother), the birth of a child (the mother's focus on the child), the wife's weight exceeding the norm (American husbands get angry if the wife's weight increases shortly after the wedding).

According to various studies, American men, like Russian men, characterize their extramarital relationships as to a greater extent as sexual than emotional. This probably reflects the general masculine trait. According to Karel Botuin, men are held back from extramarital affairs by moral and ethical standards, as well as the fear of losing a woman who plays an important role in their lives, or the fear of consequences that will affect their relationship.

Dissatisfaction with marital relationships and the likelihood of extramarital affairs

There is somewhat conflicting evidence regarding the impact of marital dissatisfaction on the likelihood of extramarital affairs.

O. Loseva cites data from a sociological survey, which reveals that for men this motive (perhaps as a motive, but not as the underlying reason for betrayal) is not very significant: it was indicated by only 10% of those who had extramarital affairs. The same was confirmed by data on their behavior: among those who had extramarital affairs, more than half were completely satisfied with their marital relationships. Those who entered into extramarital affairs, being dissatisfied in their marriage, indicated a lack of mutual feeling and the wife’s inexperience as a sexual partner as the main reasons for this dissatisfaction.

The women's answers were quite different from the men's. What came to the fore here was something that was purely secondary for men - dissatisfaction in marriage. The significance of this motive for women is confirmed by other data: among women who have had extramarital affairs, only 1/3 are satisfied with their marriage, and 2/3 are dissatisfied.

According to S.I. Golod, 1/4 of the women who were most satisfied with their marriage had extramarital affairs, of those who were averagely satisfied - 44%, of those who were dissatisfied - 65%. The much greater significance of love for an extramarital partner as a motive for an extramarital affair is fully consistent with this: a woman dissatisfied in marriage seeks serious affection in extramarital relationships (Golod S.I., 1990). American women cheat on their husbands to satisfy their emotional needs; they paint their affairs primarily in an emotional rather than a sexual light (Botwin K., 1995).

There is another point of view on the relationship between satisfaction with marriage and the possibility (danger) of adultery, which is adhered to by W. Harley (1992). Studying marital relationships as if “from the inside,” not with the help of questionnaires, but directly in psychotherapeutic work with married couples, he came to the conclusion that there are certain deep-seated needs of husbands and wives in marriage, the lack of satisfaction of which very often pushes people onto the path of infidelity. Harley identifies five basic needs for husbands and the same number for wives, but these needs, according to his observations, vary greatly.

Harley’s observation is interesting: if at least one of these needs is deficient (for example, the need for communication in women), a person constantly feels the injustice of this state of affairs, and a possible source of support in the person of someone else becomes a magnet, drawing him into the trap of betrayal. From love triangle It is often difficult to get out, since part of the needs is still satisfied by the spouse, while the other part is satisfied by the new partner.

A. Ya. Varga emphasizes that betrayal is never a sudden event; as she notes, the “collapse” is being prepared gradually. Judging by the examples given by the author, these violations are associated, in fact, with the unmet needs of one of the spouses and with a violation of the unspoken marital agreement, when the expectations of the leader in the couple are not met (Varga A. Ya., 2001).

According to Harley's observations, women who cheated on their husbands, during psychotherapeutic work with the family, in a situation where the husbands learn to satisfy their basic needs, return to the family, and ex-lover loses its attractive power for them. For men involved in an affair on the side, there is a danger of returning to their mistress even 5-6 years after the breakup. Harley recommends that her patients live with their ex-partners in different cities and, if possible, in different states if they sincerely want to keep their family together.

The experience of D. Delis' practical work with married couples has shown that there are certain personality characteristics associated with a greater likelihood of adultery. He also discovered some patterns in the formation of the personality of the “cheating spouse.” Eysenck also pointed out the connection between characteristics of sexual behavior and personality traits (Eysenck H. J., 1976).

The attractiveness of cheating in men is associated with such a personality trait as dominance. The actual presence of extramarital affairs negatively correlates with age: the younger the respondents, the more of them who violate marital norms, and vice versa (in the age range from 19 to 35 years) (Andreeva T.V., Shmotchenko Yu.A., 2003).

A study of women’s attitudes towards male infidelity showed that more anxious and more responsible women (factors “O” and “G” in Cattell’s questionnaire) have a negative attitude towards the theoretical possibility of a spouse’s betrayal (correlation at a significant level of significance). Dominance and sociability (conformity) as personal traits of women are statistically significantly interrelated with theoretical tolerance for possible betrayal of a spouse. Age interdependencies among women are similar to those among men: the older the respondents (in the range from 20 to 60 years), the more uncompromisingly they treat infidelity, regarding it as immoral behavior (Andreeva T.V., Pipchenko T.K., 1999).

K. Imelinsky noted that the tendency to cheat is determined not only by sexual instinct, but also by a person’s usual desire to search for new experiences. This trend is observed in various areas of human activity, for example in tourism (the constant search for new tourist routes that bring new knowledge and evoke new impressions and emotions). In the sexual area, this is manifested by the search for new partners. The desire for change can vary. According to Imelinsky, it is positively correlated with the overall vital energy person. Personality traits such as the ability to make contacts, courage and the ability to devote themselves are also important. Indecision, passivity and fear make it difficult to cheat. The preservation of regularity from this point of view depends not so much on the desire to control the manifestation of the sexual instinct, but on selective control over the desire for change and new impressions in the erotic-sexual field. The motive for such control may be love or a sense of duty. During the period of falling in love, the spouse automatically manifests a desire to maintain stability and fidelity. Later, the effect of mental brakes should intensify: awareness of duty and responsibility, a conscious desire to prevent conflict situations that threaten the marriage.

Why do husbands cheat?

• motives for cheating on husbands
• The wife does not fulfill her duties (bad sex, lack of attention, monotony).
• Revenge (for humiliation, for betrayal).
• Self-affirmation: men's pride is amused by the number of sexual victories.
• More acute sensations, variety of impressions.
• Long separation from my wife, frequent business trips.
• A woman’s initiative: a man’s code of honor does not allow him to offend a lady with a refusal, or to admit his “inability” himself.
• To make sure of your sexual capabilities (especially when your wife does not arouse desire or accuses you of “weakness”).
• As a statement of one’s independence and freedom.

What motivates people to engage in extramarital affairs? Let us turn to the data of a sociological survey. Men most often explain this by sexual need. For the most part, this need, not associated with any emotional and spiritual aspects of communication, is satisfied with random, unfamiliar partners (such connections accounted for about a third of all extramarital contacts) or in short-term, fleeting connections with long-time acquaintances, co-workers, wives of friends, etc. (a quarter of all connections).

Of the same origin are sexual relations provoked by the temporary absence of the wife - departure on a business trip, vacation, etc. The departure of the wife was regarded by some of the respondents as sufficient grounds for searching for a temporary replacement.

Alcohol intoxication, especially its mild degree, increases sexual desire and weakens internal inhibitions. Many men considered this condition to be the direct cause of extramarital affairs. It is more correct to regard it as a contributing circumstance.

In third place (in descending order of importance) is love for another woman. This circumstance was indicated by every tenth of the men with such connections. Without insisting on any accuracy of the numbers, it can still be argued: the role of love as a motive for extramarital affairs is small.

Curiosity is not limited to young people having sex for the first time: it drives every tenth of men who have extramarital affairs.

In a number of cases, men enter into extramarital affairs during quarrels with their wife, in the heat of the moment, out of a desire for revenge and self-affirmation.

Some of those who responded were, in their words, victims of the women's persistence. But the largest group (more than a third) were still those who did not answer the question, that is, they could not or did not want to analyze what prompted them to have extramarital affairs.

It is natural to think that dissatisfaction with marital relationships should stimulate extramarital activity. For men, as it turned out, this motive is not very significant: it was indicated by only 10% of those who had extramarital affairs. The same was confirmed by data on their behavior: among those who had extramarital affairs, more than half were completely satisfied with their marital relationships.

Those who entered into extramarital affairs, being dissatisfied in their marriage, indicated a lack of mutual feeling and the wife’s inexperience as a sexual partner as the main reasons for this dissatisfaction.

Reasons for wives' infidelity

• motives for cheating on wife
• dissatisfaction with marriage;
• revenge on her husband for his betrayal;
• a way to feel loved again;
• feel important, increase self-esteem;
• prolong the feeling of youth, “ignite” yourself;
• feel your power over a man;
• experience strong feelings, dreams of a love affair;
• satisfy sexual hunger, if any has accumulated;
• dispel boredom in frequent separations from her husband;
• satisfy curiosity;
• exchange an old husband for a new one, loves her husband less than he loves her;
• is at a critical age or in a losing streak;
• experiences the sudden death of a parent;
• has a long-time male friend;
• considers infidelity justified;
• more educated than her husband;
• her mother cheated on her husband;
• I have a friend who is cheating on her husband;
• she is effectively the head of the family;
• had rich sexual experience before marriage;
• career, wants independence.

The women's answers differed quite clearly from the men's. What came to the fore here was something that was purely secondary for men: dissatisfaction in marriage. The significance of this motive for women is confirmed by other data: among women who have had extramarital affairs, only a third are satisfied with their marriage and two thirds are dissatisfied.

The much greater significance of love for an extramarital partner as a motive for an extramarital affair is quite consistent with this: a woman dissatisfied in marriage seeks serious affection in extramarital relationships...

However, extramarital affairs significantly complicate the possibility of resolving problems in marriage and often lead to its disintegration. Is this risk worth it? How satisfying are extramarital affairs for men and women compared to marriage?

The answer to this question was obtained in the study. Despite the wider range of caresses, women achieved orgasm less often in extramarital affairs than in marriage. This is fully explained by the higher degree of adaptability of spouses to each other. Overall, satisfaction with extramarital affairs was lower than in marriage, especially among men. Maybe the bluebird of happiness really lives in our own home?

Almost all women start out with the idea that they will remain faithful to their husbands. Various surveys and studies show that for brides, fidelity in marriage remains an unquestioned ideal.

Women in marriage are disappointed that the husband does not provide emotional support, does not devote any time or attention to his wife, does not express love, and does not help with household chores.

Female infidelity is an escape from a marital relationship that does not suit a woman. She seems to be looking for support. One very good American psychoanalyst said that women outside of marriage are not looking for sex, but for emotional support, but for this emotional support they are forced to pay with their bodies. Because what kind of man will provide emotional support to a woman without getting her into bed, or at least without getting the hope of doing so?

• Requirements for a lover, the lover must:
• make her feel not only desired, but also loved;
• be the opposite of your husband;
• be able to give compliments;
• always listen with attention and empathy;
• approve of a woman and encourage her;
• be persistent and courageous.

What is the difference between unfaithful husbands and unfaithful wives?

According to M. Hunt, the majority of unfaithful husbands consider their marriage to be quite successful, while the majority of unfaithful wives consider it unhappy. These data were also confirmed by other psychologists.

Most men are looking for a sexual adventure in adultery: they crave a fresh sensation, a new body (usually a younger one) - everything that will excite their blood again.

Most women are looking for feeling and friendship in adultery: at first they usually become emotionally attached, not physically. Of the women who have lovers in the service, 81% put their lover's friendship and trust in first place, and only sex came in second place.

Married men have extramarital affairs, as a rule, numerous, but short-lived - only for sex. Women take longer to betray themselves than men.

As a rule, a woman cannot cheat only with her body and therefore cannot understand the behavior of a man. He can't believe that he really doesn't remember the name of the girl he slept with last month after drinking a bottle of wine. He remembers the brand of wine he drank, but he doesn’t remember whether it was Tanya, Masha or Olya. A woman remembers the name of her lover even after fifteen years. The point is a fundamental difference in the approach to physical intimacy.

Attitude to family

Does an unfaithful wife want to marry her lover? Various studies have shown that only 13 to 35% of them would do so if given the opportunity. More than half of women would definitely not trade their husband for a lover.

Husbands' commitment to an existing marriage is even stronger.

As we see, both husbands and wives mostly want to leave everything as it is at home and have an affair on the side. Despite the significant difference: when a man cheats, a man gives primary importance to sex, and a woman – to emotions.

Unfaithful wives are strikingly different from unfaithful husbands, in particular in that most cheating men try to give preference to single women.

Studies have shown that the vast majority of unfaithful wives cheat only with married men. One of the reasons for this is that a married man is safer, calmer, and will not threaten the existence of her current family.

And one more difference: a woman looks closely at a man for a very long time before becoming his mistress. The man is more decisive.

Sex on the side

Lovers are more active in bed, so they are more likely to awaken passion in their partner. In a marriage there is no longer a romantic relationship, but in a relationship with a lover there is.

Illicit relationships come with fears of being exposed. Research has established that a state of anxiety increases sexuality in a person: the greatest sexual arousal appears after passing a certain threshold of anxiety. Therefore, sex of a lover gives greater pleasure for this reason.

In addition, having crossed the law of integrity, a person feels free from other moral prohibitions, in particular, he becomes more relaxed in sex, which is very important for complete satisfaction.

The family has sex when everything has been done. What prevents a woman from getting maximum pleasure from sex is fatigue from these activities, and a man is prevented by monotony, because the wife no longer has the strength for “fantasy.”

Cheating and love

Women have more serious extramarital affairs than men. Wives' affairs usually last longer than husbands' affairs.

For unfaithful husbands, sex and love, as a rule, are two different things. Many people think like this: a mistress is for sex, love or friendship is for a wife.

As a rule, it is difficult for a woman to separate feelings from sex. They often and painfully think about their relationship, worrying about it much more than men.

Girls practically do not recognize sex without love. As they get older, they begin to entertain the idea that they could sleep with a nice guy without the emotion being involved.

As the relationship develops, men become happier and women become more unhappy.

Guilt

Research shows that unfaithful wives are more burdened by feelings of guilt. Husbands feel deserving of a little sex on the side: they are sure that the need for this is inherent in male nature itself (by the way, a number of publications have recently appeared that justify this thesis from a biological point of view, which will be discussed below). Therefore, they are less bothered by the need to lie and hide.

In addition, they have more self-confidence and moral support from other men. A woman has to hide it from everyone.

Male and female sexuality

The difference between male and female sexuality is programmed by nature - to ensure procreation. Men can, without difficulty and moral torment, enter into sexual contacts with many women and not become attached to any of them, since such behavior ensures the fertilization of many women and high rates of reproduction.

But a fertilized woman could not have sexual intercourse due to the birth of a child. And in order to provide herself and her child with protection and food from a man, she was forced to stick to this man, that is, to depend on him.

Thus, the masculine principle ensures the variability of the species, and the feminine principle ensures constancy and continuity.

Signs by which you can detect betrayal

Do you know what novice cheaters burn at? How does their betrayal become apparent? The main signs of betrayal are not traces of lipstick on a shirt or an SMS from an ardent lover on the phone, as you might think. Most often, cheaters are caught feeling guilty!

There are many signs that allow you to detect betrayal, you just need to be attentive to your partner and be wary if suddenly, out of the blue, something begins to happen in your life that is very reminiscent of the main signs of betrayal:

Habits have changed: they began to stay late after work or go away for all sorts of reasons. Unexpectedly changed tastes and preferences in music, food, interests, a change in the range of interests are always tied to close socialization - we adopt hobbies from those with whom we communicate closely. If there is no visible source of such influence, then there is an invisible one. Light love has a particularly active influence on the interpenetration of interests - the period of flirting is characterized by an exchange of opinions, tastes and preferences, which should alert any attentive husband or wife.

Unexpectedly increased attentiveness and caring, gifts and generosity. Feeling guilty for mental or real betrayal, the dishonest partner tries to compensate for this in a way available to him. Of course, attacks of caring can happen without such a sad reason, however, betrayal, especially in the early stages, is almost always accompanied by such a behavioral manifestation on the part of the cheater.

Defending the right to privacy and time “for oneself” can manifest itself in different ways: a partner may unexpectedly go into another room to talk on the phone, a password appears on the mailbox that was not there before, he begins to spend more time alone, etc. This is not done out of harm, it’s just that a person leading a secret life needs his own territory, which the husband or wife does not penetrate, and after long relationship There is practically no such territory left for each couple. Since the lover is outside the family, the person learns to rebuild that part of himself that will also be outside this family - this is an axiom.

Trying to avoid talking about the future. Every conversation about plans for the future increases pressure, as it is unconsciously perceived as a requirement to make a decision here and now. Even if the victim of betrayal is completely unaware of what is happening, plans for the future in such a situation are a rather painful topic for the cheater, since his position is very unstable.

Accusations of treason. The cheater, trying to compensate for his own moral conflict, transfers the blame to the person he is cheating on, aggressively seizing on every reason to suspect cheating. This gives him a ghostly hope that he is not the only one committing a moral crime.

They became absent-minded at home (this is more characteristic of unfaithful wives). The family has become more diligent and helpful (this is more typical for cheating husbands).

Sexual habits have changed (from less active to more inventive). Changes in sex are expressed as inattention, cooling, or, conversely, increased activity, behavior in bed that was not previously characteristic, and special attention to contraception.

A sudden increase in interest in clothes: fashionable ties, a fresh shirt, ironed suits from the husband, new beautiful dresses and the wife’s especially elegant lingerie. Men who previously unconditionally trusted their wives to choose and buy clothes may begin to buy things on their own again, criticizing or not listening to their wife’s advice. Wives may begin to choose and wear things that their husbands frankly don’t like, etc.

Increased nervousness. Talking in your sleep, sleep disturbances, appetite disturbances, irritability, painful reaction to harmless jokes, touchiness, avoidance of mutual friends. And any other manifestations of stress, which everyone who leads a double life experiences in one way or another.

Feelings of guilt as a reaction to good attitude to yourself. Irritation and attempts to reduce help or self-care to a minimum, refusal of gifts and signs of attention. The cheater does not need additional proof that he is acting like a pig, and every kind gesture in his direction only strengthens him internal conflict.

Conversations often include references to the same person of the opposite sex. There is a change in speech. Gradually, with the development of relationships on the side, the cheater begins to experience stress from the realization of the fact that he can be caught, and to experience deep shame for the entire situation in which he finds himself. He unconsciously tries to compensate for this with “half-truths” - he avoids answering direct questions, stops saying the usual phrases about the feelings that each couple develops, and tries to communicate exclusively on neutral or everyday topics. The “couple” jargon, words and phrases that partners come up with for each other go away, speech becomes more formal and detached.

Attempts to provoke cooling, a quarrel (the latter serve as an excuse for betrayal and allow you to avoid sexual contact with your spouse). Quarrels out of the blue that are initiated by your partner. The feeling of guilt for his actions pushes him to search for excuses, which he finds in conflicts. A quarrel and resentment towards the one he is cheating on eases the pangs of conscience - this mechanism very often works as a defense against neurosis, which can be a consequence of a double life. “Yes, he offends me all the time, I have every moral right!” - this is approximately how the internal conflict of the cheater is compensated.

When leaving for work, he dresses, combs his hair, and preens himself more carefully than usual.

Changes in children's behavior: they subtly sense the slightest changes in the parent's behavior and often react to it earlier than the other parent.

Discovered “traces of a crime” (letters, notes, photographs and forgotten little things, contraceptives, etc.). Traces of lipstick on a man’s clothes or fresh makeup on a woman.

Clean sheets appear on the bed more often (if the date took place in the apartment of the unfaithful spouse, then she, of course, changes the sheets).

A message from a comrade (friend) in misfortune who learned about the fall of your “half”.

Caught at the wrong moment, seen in the wrong place.

What is the reaction to betrayal?

In general, husbands react more painfully to betrayal than wives, although one cannot envy both of them. Wives are psychologically more prepared for the possibility of their husband's infidelity. IN public opinion infidelity is perceived more as a man's prank.

A woman is also more ready to forgive infidelity if her husband broke up with his mistress, due to practical considerations: the children need a father, not to be left alone, the financial situation of the family. Forgiveness is easier for a woman if her husband manages to convince her that he did not experience any feelings for the seductress.

A man, as a rule, is less suspicious and more careless than a woman. And therefore the shock at the news of his wife’s betrayal is much stronger. And society supports this, traditionally considering female infidelity a great sin. “Cuckolds” are an object of ridicule and jokes. On a subconscious level, most husbands treat their wives as property, so it is especially painful to feel that someone is “managing” his domain.

Men strive to be the first in a relationship with a woman. They are especially afraid that their opponent may be more skilled in bed. This is probably why Don Juans perceive the betrayal of their wives especially painfully.

It has been noted that sexual jealousy is the main cause of rage and violence on the part of the husband. Some husbands try to “get even” with their rival. But most often the anger falls on the wife. Furious, feeling humiliated, he is ready to do anything. Including divorce. Or even suicide: 25% of all suicides are committed by spouses and lovers due to infidelity.

Should I confess? Therefore, psychologists recommend: if there is no irrefutable evidence, then the culprit, in a moment of repentance or under pressure, should under no circumstances admit his sin - this will bring nothing but additional torment to the deceived party.

What contributes to cheating

Researcher Guy Willings from the London Institute of Hygiene conducted a study of these factors. Here is what he writes in his report: “We carefully studied the tendency of various people to cheat, as well as the lack of such a tendency. Then we compared these statistics with other data. Has the parent's family broken up, where and who does the respondent work for, how old is he, what education did he receive, what locality does he live in, etc. As a result, it turned out that no other social and even psychological parameters build such a clear relationship with a tendency to adultery, as the degree of education.”

This is partly due to the fact that educated people occupy a higher place in society, they are usually richer and, therefore, have power and material freedom. They also work in a more private environment. All this creates favorable conditions for establishing extramarital affairs.

The relationship between adultery and educational attainment affects men much more than women. But in general, of course, educated people take a broader view of life, and this leaves an imprint on their family life. In addition, people with higher education I have student experience behind me. This is very important stage in life.

Willings himself believes that universities have nothing to do with it. People with higher education have more choice, they are used to winning, they rule society and set the rules of social behavior. They feel the right to break these rules.

"Demon in the Rib"

There is a period in a man’s life, somewhere between forty and fifty years old, when the most faithful husbands suddenly do stupid things, fall in love with young people and sometimes create a new family, and sometimes they simply expose themselves to ridicule (“gray hair in a beard - a devil in a rib”) , – this is due to age-related psychophysiological changes in the body.

A smart wife sometimes simply pretends that she doesn’t know about her husband’s secret life, reasoning: she’ll get mad and everything will be the same.

The other, to compensate, starts her own entertainment on the side. But the husband usually doesn’t forgive this if he finds out. Here again there is a double standard: a man can do it, a woman can’t.

There is one more difference. A woman cannot love two men at the same time. A man can, but with different kinds of love. One - calmly and tenderly as a wife, the mother of her children, the mistress of the house, a loved one. The other - passionately, as one loves a mistress; Sex plays a major role here. In accordance with this, among Muslims, where it is possible to have several wives, a “division” is usually established: the eldest wife (counselor), the beloved (for sexual pleasures), etc.

Paradox: when a husband takes a mistress, his attitude towards his wife, as a rule, does not worsen, but improves, and this state of affairs can last for years until one of the women rebels.

But there is a type of man who cannot exist without a constant change of impressions. And if a woman married such a man, hoping that he would improve in marriage, this is her miscalculation.

The “mid-life” phenomenon

Men aged 40 and older are condemned by some, while others admire their agility. What is this mysterious age of “midlife”?

By the age of 40, men arrive with a certain physiological, psychological and economic base. They have considerable experience in communicating with the fair sex. They, as a rule, know a lot in intimate terms, and this allows them to be self-confident and interesting to others...

Career aspirations realized, achieved material well-being, children have become independent, what else to strive for, what to desire? Something that has brought me pleasure all my life: good sex and good food. And if a man had sex in marriage first on the scale of values, then he coffin board remains the main desire in life, as well as the desire to enjoy life and its quality.

What prevents gray-haired Don Juans from loving their own wife? The wife herself. So says psychotherapist Nikolai Kibrik, who heads the Center for Sexopathology at the Moscow Research Institute of Psychiatry of the Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation. Women over fifty (and some even earlier) believe that it is much more decent to take care of their grandchildren and bake pies than to take care of their appearance and maintain their own sexuality in the eyes of their husband at the proper level. But it would be more logical to live with the interests of the husband first and economic interests second. And remain a woman in all respects at any age.

Our women in retirement age very different from Western European old ladies. “Westerners” allow themselves to love themselves and openly talk not only about how “important it is to give oneself to one’s homeland and people,” but also about their sexual desires and desires to enjoy life. Domestic grannies, sitting on benches at the entrances, are busy condemning everyone and everything, although their true thoughts may be similar to Western European ones.

Household chores, fatigue - main enemy love. Taking away the strength and energy of a young woman, they really leave no desire for physical love. Ladies deny intimacy to their husbands using various excuses. Often manipulations are used, the purpose of which boils down to the idea that a man must deserve this intimacy. But a woman at this age cannot be a dog in the manger (neither for herself nor for people) for long. A man runs to where he can realize his dreams and desires. Because he has a shortage of time: he has lived more than he has left.

Knowing these simple truths, it is foolish to continue losing love. After all, it is needed at 30, 50, and 80 years old.

Treason is in the nature of men

The latest research by geneticists has revealed the underlying causes of infidelity in both husbands and wives. It's all about the biological laws of nature, by virtue of which all living beings behave in such a way as to provide the best conditions for reproduction: so that maximum quantity offspring with as diverse a variety of characteristics as possible. So everyone biological species protects itself from extinction.

An anonymous survey showed that at least 57% of men undoubtedly agree to a sexual proposal made to them by a more or less attractive woman. The male instinct inherent in nature is triggered. The rest are held back mainly only by fear of consequences or impotence. As they say: “When a man feels bad, he looks for a woman, and when he feels good, he looks for another one.”

Is it in the nature of women to cheat?

Numerous studies in recent years have shown that wives also cheat on their husbands as required by nature. Why this happens, the famous psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences Alexander Poletaev tells I. Morzharetto.

About 10 years ago they began to appear amazing facts, for which there was no explanation. In some developed countries, mass blood tests began to be carried out, and by the way it turned out that 11% of all children born in marriage, their legal father could not be their biological father! And then sexologists began to think: how often do you need to cheat, what frequent and long-term sexual relationships do you need to have on the side in order to get pregnant while maintaining, as a rule, a normal sex life with your husband or with a regular partner?

The first hypothesis was this: women lie during questionnaire surveys, cheating not 26%, but much more. But the hypothesis did not justify itself, and additional research showed that, indeed, only every fourth woman cheated on her husband during her life.

– Okay, but still, why is there such a high percentage of “illegitimate” children?

The fact is that the traditional point of view on conceiving a child was this: it is easier if the partner is permanent. And most gynecologists in the world treat infertility and diagnose this condition in a woman only if she has two years of life with a permanent partner. But recent studies have discovered an amazing thing: a woman’s chances of becoming pregnant from a casual partner as a result of an extramarital relationship, even a one-time affair, are much higher than from a regular partner!

– How did you manage to establish this?

In recent years, studies of sexual life have been conducted using video monitoring. Married or loving couples agree to install a video camera in their apartments. The films made, of course, are not shown in cinemas, but they are systematized, analyzed, etc. So, it turned out that marital sex becomes more intense during those periods when a woman cannot get pregnant! More than half of marital sex occurs in the second week after ovulation and the days immediately after menstruation, when she, in principle, cannot become a mother.

But more surprisingly, more than 50% of all cases of female infidelity occur during the ovulation period, which takes 5-6 days during the month.

It is on these days that more than 50% of all female infidelities occur. Moreover, usually these days a woman lives with her husband. So, approximately every fifteenth child is not only “foreign,” he is also conceived in a situation where the sperm of two men is in the woman’s uterus. Women organize (unconsciously, of course) a sort of “sperm war” in their vaginas.

– How is this war going? Who has the best chance to win?

The war is hard. And the lover has more chances to win. There are several reasons for this. The main thing is that men unconsciously adapt the composition of their own sperm to the sexual situation. For example, with regular sexual life, a woman on average receives 300 million sperm from a man at a time. If he suspects his wife of infidelity, then their number increases by about 100 million, that is, he is biologically protected.

If the wife is constantly at home and sick, then the number of sperm in a man decreases to 150 million! And all this is done completely unconsciously. But the lover has a different situation. The new partner gets up to 600 million sperm! Thus, in terms of quantitative indicators, he is ahead of his rival – a regular partner.

In addition, the distribution of sperm types in a lover is different than in a husband, and this also provides some advantage. In the sperm of any man there is 1% of sperm that are capable of fertilizing an egg (they are called “fertilizing”). These are young, energetic, “athletic” sperm. The bulk of a man’s sperm are “killer” sperm. There are about 85% of them. Their head is larger than that of fertilizing sperm, and it contains toxic substances. Under an electron microscope, one can see how these “killers” approach other people’s sperm, touch their heads, release a portion of poison, after which the “affected” sperm dies. One “killer,” depending on its activity, can kill from 1 to 10 sperm. And there is a third type - sperm blockers. Strictly speaking, these are old sperm. They generally do not penetrate into the uterine cavity and fallopian tubes, but settle in the cervix. It is not yet known why they have the strange property of allowing the sperm of one person to pass through and not another. So, in a lover’s sperm the percentage of “killers” is usually higher. Therefore, when there are two streams in a woman’s uterus - the lover and the husband, then the lover’s sperm is larger and more active. This means that the chances of winning are higher.

Imagine that on Wednesday you had regular sex with your wife, and on Thursday or Friday she cheated on you. Despite all your regular sex, despite the fact that you live with your wife 8 times a month, and your lover slept with her only once, he has more chances.

– In a word, the legal spouse has no chance against the visiting young man. Biology doesn’t care about morality...

Naturally, nature doesn’t care about aesthetics, morality, or ethics when the selection process is underway. It is very important for nature to greatest number the most biologically adapted, the most biologically perfect individuals had children.

This ensures that we can survive as a species! And if the husband has reduced sperm activity, even if he is regularly sexually active, and at the same time he wonderful person, a good family man and well-characterized at work - nature doesn’t care about that.

Just as deer fight for a female, sperm also fights to find its continuation. By the way, the record holders for biological adaptation in this regard are birds. They are the biggest cheaters. The female manages to copulate with random partners almost in front of the male, who, by the way, is not without jealousy. Biologists believe that in 30% of cases the male raises other people's chicks. In monkeys this percentage reaches 15%. In humans - up to 11%...

- So much for “swan loyalty”...

I think women don't actually want children from other men. Of course, they hope that even if she is dating her lover, there is always her husband’s sperm in her uterus (or will be in the near future). We all know that intimacy with a lover increases a woman's sexual activity. Sexologists believe that by offering sex to her husband the next or the same day after intimacy with her lover, a woman not only disguises herself, she also unconsciously starts a “sperm war” in her vagina. She pushes two “armies” head-on. From a biological point of view, this is deeply correct.

– What about moral?

Here, real behavior is determined by unconscious mental mechanisms, about which we have no idea. And what do they care about our morality?

Cognitive research results

In the previous interview, which we presented with some abbreviations, the authors of some very fundamental conclusions were not indicated. Let's fill this gap.

The fact that women most often cheat on their husbands during the period of ovulation, when fertilization of the female egg occurs, was established, in particular, by the English biologists Baker and Bellis. Biologically, they explained this by the woman’s unconscious desire to force the sperm of different men to compete. The victory of the strongest improves the hereditary qualities of the unborn child.

According to the American scientist Robert Wright, a woman, as a being called upon to be responsible not only for her own life, contacts several men at once also in order, as a last resort, to be able to convince everyone that he is the father of the child - naturally , in the interests of the child.
More about the survival instinct of the species

For our closest relatives on Earth - primates - the term of a passionate union ends when the baby turns 3 years old, after which the males look for other females in the name of diversity of the gene pool. Human cubs become independent much later, but the habits of their ancestors make themselves felt: it is in the 3rd–4th year after marriage that the maximum number of divorces occurs. These figures were obtained from a study conducted in 62 countries.

Studies on laboratory rats have shown that females smell males with their noses, with whom they share the histocompatibility gene, which is responsible for both odor and immunity, and with whom, accordingly, they can produce healthy offspring.

It's the same with people. In the USA, an experiment was conducted during which women were given to smell worn men's T-shirts, and sensitive misses, just like mice, chose the most attractive odors for themselves and accurately guessed men whose genotype was an excellent addition to their own - gene analysis confirmed the correctness choice. Biologist, Professor Gennady Simkin proposed to call the process of recognizing a partner by smell “the voice of the genome.” True, failures do happen. For example, when women take hormonal birth control pills, their “aromatic” preferences are disrupted.

Gait, gestures, and even turning the head are also very important for assessing a partner. It is no coincidence that we unconsciously choose those partners who emit at least weak “signals of readiness.” Thus, the innate instinct is triggered, recognizing the behavior of a partner prone to love acquaintance. For example, female monkeys, when they are ready to mate, take an inviting pose, which zoologists call a “stand,” that is, they stand on all fours and arch their backs. Women, in fact, are not far from their ancestors, attracting men with a sexy gait and graceful poses.

Finally, if the hormonal system is already ready for love, then when a suitable object appears on the horizon, the brain centers instantly issue commands and the conditioned reflex mechanism triggers a chemical reaction: a horse dose of stimulating hormones - neuropeptides and amphetamines, consisting of dopamine, phenylethylamine and norepinephrine - enters the blood . All this chemistry causes increased breathing, salivation, redness of the face and slight dizziness, which makes it really easy to “lose your head.” And as the moment of intimacy approaches, another chemical substance enters the blood in increasing quantities - oxytocin, on which, without exaggeration, the continuation of the human race depends. And already at the most decisive moment, so much adrenaline is released into the blood that the chemical mechanism of love is no different from the physiological processes of stress and neurosis.

And some components from the “love test tube” in pure form are soft drugs - for example, amphetamines, so the phrase “drunk on love” can be considered not a poetic comparison, but a medical diagnosis. A lover is literally drawn to the object of his desired passion no less than a drug addict is drawn to the next dose.

We presented the results of biologist research not in order to protect cheating spouses. We have a different goal. Knowledge helps to understand the reasons for actions, sometimes spontaneous, unconscious, about which we later say: “the devil has fooled us.”

If “this” happened, then we need to understand the origins, the root causes. It turns out that nature cannot be ignored. She makes herself known at the most inopportune moment. Knowledge of the processes occurring in this case, I hope, will help to cope with situations leading to undesirable consequences.

To understand is to half forgive. However, not everyone is given this. It happens that there is something more behind the betrayal, which makes the process irreversible. But in most cases, what the great Mahatma Gandhi said takes place: “The ability to forgive is a property of the strong; the weak never forgive.”

Treason, what should I do next?

"Treason!" - this word evokes a lot of negative emotions in people, such as resentment, anger, irritation and even pain that permeates the whole body. Just the thought of your partner’s infidelity gives you goosebumps, and it feels like the whole world will collapse if this happens.

And suddenly it happened! A swarm of thoughts flashes through my head: “Why?”, “For what?”, “How to behave with him or her?”, “What should I do next?” etc. To these thoughts is added a feeling of resentment, followed by a lot of accusations against the partner. After which some spouses proceed to decisive, sometimes aggressive actions, which completely destroys the marriage union or turns life together into a nightmare.

A hellish mixture of negative emotions and feelings acts like a time bomb, even if one of the spouses tries to pretend that nothing happened. At the same time, he tries to find an excuse for the actions of his spouse, or tries to forget about the unpleasant act of his partner. The desire to hide emotions deep within oneself generates tension and irritation, which spread to everyone around. The spouses begin to move away from each other even more, keeping silent about their feelings. This cannot but be noticed by children, who can also very acutely experience a disagreement between their parents.

Resolving the issue of betrayal with conflict and shouting with accusations, you say, is useless, keep silent too! What to do then?

First, you need to calm down a little, although it is very difficult, and honestly answer the question “Do you want to save the marriage or not?” If not, then the above is suitable for you, choose any suitable option. If you value your partner, love him and the most important thing for you is to save your family, think about what could be the reason for the appearance of a rival or rival. And based on this, make any decisions.

Not everything is so simple, you thought! Why should I think about this! Yes, because you want to save the marriage, which means a lot depends on you. You should not remain silent about your feelings, you need to talk with your spouse about how you feel, the most important thing is not to shout or blame, and try to decide together what to do next.

Not every person thinks about the reasons for betrayal, as they experience strong negative emotions that prevent them from thinking soberly. They can be completely different, ranging from a banal search for new sensations to an attempt to prove to oneself one’s attractiveness.

The most common case of the appearance of a rival or rival is the lack of emotional intimacy between spouses. Routine and everyday life can absorb the most sincere feelings between partners, and most married couples fall into this trap. Due to the mass of things to do at work and at home, and taking care of children, spouses forget about each other. And at this moment the search for attention from the opposite sex and new emotions begins.

• What needs to be done to prevent this from happening:
• Try to talk to each other more, tell your partner about your feelings, experiences, worries and worries, as you probably need support. Don’t be silent if you don’t like something, try to talk in a calm manner about what you would like, but don’t blame your partner for what doesn’t suit you. Otherwise, then he will not hear you, but will simply begin to look for excuses, which will result in a conflict situation.
• Spend time together free time, find a common family hobby, take up sports with the whole family (skiing, rollerblading, skating, biking...) or some other activity that interests you. Nothing binds people together like common interests.
• Don't pay attention to little things that often cause irritation. Our life consists of little things and constant fixation on the little things turns our life into a nightmare. Try to react more calmly to thrown socks or shoes, unwashed dishes, scattered toys. This is your life, enjoy these moments, because all this may not happen. Constant irritation and screaming force the spouse to seek peace outside.
• Share housework and childcare responsibilities. This is a very important point; very often a woman takes on all the responsibilities of housework and childcare and becomes so overwhelmed with these worries that she simply has no time to devote time to her beloved spouse. Discuss this issue with your husband, he can take or pick up the children from school or kindergarten, take out the trash and at least sometimes wash the dishes, set aside time to play with the children or check homework from school. Such an arrangement will make your family more friendly, you will get things done faster, and you will have free time for each other.
• Appreciate the time spent together. Very often we spend time reproaching and blaming, but when we understand that we may lose a loved one (he may leave, get sick, etc.), we understand how important the person is to us and only then do we begin to regret what we have done, but very it is often too late. Therefore, appreciate what you have.

If “treason” has visited your home, test yourself on the points described above and try to change your behavior, and you will see the results. Restoring emotional closeness and warmth between partners strengthens relationships and eliminates the risk of betrayal. Love can prevent any betrayal. To do this, it is enough to express your complaints, find a compromise and solve all problems together. It is better not to let any disagreement arise, but to listen to each other. Then the marriage will be unbreakable.

01/28/2012 If a person gets everything he needs in marriage, he will not go to the left, according to sexopathologists. Does it often happen that everyone gets it?

According to researchers, about 60% of men cheat on their wives; among Muscovites this figure reached 76%.

At the same time, only 40% of women engage in extramarital affairs, and most of them only once. And this is not because men are “more immoral” than women. It’s just that men share love and sex, but for a woman who has not been spoiled by society, sex without love is impossible.

Husbands take mistresses for various reasons.

In the first place are some subconscious impulses. (He met a woman who matches his current internal subconscious needs.)

For a woman, perhaps the only reason The reason why she can cheat on her husband is love.
But! If the betrayal is repeated, this means that the woman is deeply unhappy in her marriage and is subconsciously looking for someone, not for momentary “joy,” but, paradoxical as it may sound, for further life together.
It is believed that men's infidelities do not occur without the help of their wives.

We can say this: the husband shot, but the wife loaded the gun, doctors say.
Establishing herself in the space of family life, giving birth to children and arranging everyday life, the wife often does not try to be sensitive, tender, attentive and careful about her husband’s personality, because she has a “document” for possessing a spouse, he will not go anywhere, and even according to the law "obliged to love"

And the man seeks to fill this emptiness with another woman. After all, men are very vulnerable and vulnerable. They need to constantly receive confirmation of their exclusivity. In addition, many wives do not know how, and do not try to learn how to be artistic and relaxed in bed, to be the sexual partner for their husband that he needs.

In these cases, betrayal is not the cause, but rather the consequence of problems in family life.
There are, of course, betrayals simply as a result of a coincidence of circumstances, when the sexual attractiveness of a random partner or partner momentarily eclipses a constant feeling and overcomes moral barriers.

It can happen to both men and especially women that light flirting suddenly develops into a deep feeling, since the sexual experience with a new partner can be so strong that it drowns out the voice of reason.
Some men generally tend to have many extramarital affairs without staying with anyone for long.
Most often, in this way they try to assert themselves.

One of the most difficult questions - insoluble for many - is how to react to the infidelity of a spouse?
The difference between male and female infidelity (in terms of the prospects for continuing the marriage) is colossal.

A woman can forgive, the main thing for her is that HE says: “Darling, yes, it happened, but I still love only you!”
For a man, these words will not ease the torment, because on a subconscious level he knows that this is not true.

The most common reaction is denunciation, an angry protest. Constant scenes and reproaches cut off the guilty party's way back. In this case, the unfaithful husband may seek solace from his mistress, or the wife from her lover.

If the spouses cannot understand the current situation themselves, then they need to visit a psychologist and seek help from a specialist.
But as life shows, after the betrayal has been “discovered”, the broken dishes called “happy marriage” can be glued together, you can put them in the buffet. But it’s already a bit difficult to use for its intended purpose! So it’s more honest and better to separate.

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A lot of books, both scientific and artistic, are devoted to the issues of betrayal. There is a lot of talk about this, but there is negligible statistical data. Since ancient times, betrayal has been regarded as the greatest betrayal. But the very perception of betrayal among women and men different nations varies. Even in ancient books it was mentioned that men can cheat, and betrayal for a woman is tantamount to shame.

Types of adultery

There are several of them:
The appearance of a feeling of love for a man, not a husband. Being in a marriage and not loving her husband enough, a woman can search for warmth, affection and true love on the side. However, men do this, perhaps more often than women.
The desire for revenge for the betrayal of one of the spouses.
If in a union one of the spouses loves, and the other only allows himself to be loved. From a lack of love and positive thoughts, betrayal often occurs.
Often with years of living together comes routine and dissatisfaction with something. In such situations, cheating occurs, especially if partners experience dissatisfaction in sex.

Cheating on your husband or wife, why does this happen?

There are situations when one of the spouses starts a second family if he believes that the first one has already outlived its usefulness.
A very common type of betrayal is an unintentional affair. Quite often it occurs when a person is intoxicated. Such a connection is often regretted.
What the surveys showed
Surveys were conducted among men and women, they showed that men's infidelities are associated with many factors: lack of love for his wife; unsatisfactory sex in the family; interest; casual connection; temporary departure of the spouse. Women, as it turned out, cheat only in case of dissatisfaction in their relationship with their husband.
Psychologists explain that women’s infidelities are associated with dissatisfaction with their emotional state. And men cheat in order to get physical satisfaction.
Is it possible to save a marital relationship after cheating?
There is no clear answer to this question. Because there are so many people, so many opinions. Some people think that honesty should come first, and after cheating they go to their spouse and confess. Others, on the contrary, try to hide everything, in the hope that the truth will never be revealed. But everything hidden becomes clear at some point. Therefore, everyone must decide for themselves what to do in such a situation.
Different things happen in life, perhaps you shouldn’t be angry with your husband if he truly repented of what he did. Surely, if he repented, he understands how hard and painful it is for you. Or maybe someone deliberately seduced him, anything can happen. This means we need to give a second chance, and not immediately deprive the children of their father. Now, if a person cheats again after forgiveness, then you should think about breaking up.

It's worth thinking about. Here is your husband, and he is next to you, he did not leave you for that woman, which means he loves you. Everything seems to be fine. But there’s a worm of doubt gnawing inside, and it’s difficult to forgive, and I don’t want to give it to someone either.

So what to do?
First of all, try to forgive him and don’t even think about complaining to someone from your family, so as not to hear reproaches and instructive words from them in the future. There is no need to wash dirty linen in public. Your husband has only you to blame. So don’t give others a reason, let them also respect your husband.
Let your husband see resentment and reproach in your eyes, but not in strangers. Don’t tell your children about what happened; for them, dad should remain the best.
You need to sit down with your husband and talk about how to live further in this situation. If you can't speak directly, then send a letter. In general, try to do everything possible to resolve the situation and forget about this unpleasant incident.