Resentment is an understandable and natural human emotion. We all sometimes get offended by someone or offend ourselves. Many relationships are destroyed due to resentment, many human destinies are broken by this very feeling.
Resentment is aggression that hurts not so much the offender, but the one who was offended. After all, unspoken, unforgiven resentment eats away at the soul and can even cause harm to health.
According to psychologists, the ability to be offended appears in a person in childhood and accompanies us throughout our lives. At the same time, resentment is a normal emotion. It appears when something unpleasant happens to us. When life doesn't go as planned. If we are not prepared for an unexpected turn of events and do not know how to cope with an undesirable situation, then resentment arises - a defensive reaction of the psyche to unforeseen difficulties.

Why is it difficult to offend some people and easy to offend others?

As statistics show, all people periodically experience feelings of resentment, it’s just that some are more touchy, while others are less so. Why is this happening? U different people different numbers of “pain points”: some have more of them and they are clearly expressed, while others have fewer of them and they are carefully hidden. You can easily offend a person by unknowingly hitting his sore spot. On the other hand, we should not forget that someone who seems to us not to be offended may in fact not be so, he is simply accustomed to accumulating all the resentment in the depths of his soul, sometimes without admitting it even to himself.

The main causes of grievances and why a person is touchy

There are three main reasons that cause a person to resent others.
The first reason for resentment is manipulation, and deliberate manipulation. A person deliberately “pouts his lips” to evoke in another. Most often girls do this when they want to get what they want from a man.
The second reason is the inability to forgive. Unfortunately, this is precisely what causes most grievances. If you look at this reason from the other side, then it can also be called manipulation, only unconscious. In this case, the person himself often does not understand why he was offended. I was just offended - that's all. But he knows very well how the offender can make amends for his guilt.
And the third reason for grievances is disappointed expectations. For example, a woman hopes that her beloved will give her a fur coat, but instead he gives her a large soft toy. Or does a person expect that difficult situation friends will offer help without any requests from him, but they do not offer. This is where resentment is born.
Mostly people become touchy under stress or in a quarrel with a loved one. Those who are in a state of serious illness are usually especially touchy: they are often offended not only by loved ones, but also by the whole world. This feeling is characteristic mainly of the elderly and people with severe disabilities. People who feel sorry for themselves and love themselves too much are often offended by everything. They can be upset by even the most harmless jokes or remarks made about them.

What is resentment and how does it happen?

We cannot get rid of resentment completely, since this feeling will be experienced by us at least sometimes. But we can control this emotion, although deep down we will still continue to feel hurt. If this were not the case, people would turn into insensitive dolls.
But it should be remembered that in psychology there is such a concept as touchiness, that is, a tendency to constantly take offense at everyone and everything. You can and should get rid of touchiness. After all, it is no longer so much a feeling as negative trait character, undesirable state of mind.
Psychologists say that touchiness is a manifestation of our childhood ego. Even if a person is 40, 50 or 60 years old, deep down he may feel like a scared toddler or a rebellious youth. There is even an opinion that a child always lives inside an adult, and he can be either happy and joyful, or touchy and lonely. Fortunately, we will never be able to completely rid ourselves of this child in our soul. You just need to create the conditions in which it will be pleasant and comfortable for him to live.
However, in addition to the child who lives in our subconscious, an adult must live within us at the level of consciousness, who will manage our feelings and life in general. Thus, an adult can, after a fleeting influx of emotions, calmly and judiciously continue the conversation, without being offended by the words of the interlocutor (even if they hurt him a little), and calmly talk about his feelings. For example: “I'm sorry, but your words hurt me. I hope you didn’t offend me deliberately.” After such a phrase, the interlocutor will most likely have a feeling of guilt and remorse, even if in fact he previously fully understood that he was offending you. However, more often than not we offend each other unconsciously, and if this happens, then it is better for the person who was offended to immediately express their feelings in a correct and polite form. Then many unpleasant situations will be instantly clarified, and you will not have any resentment left in your soul and you will be able to maintain good friendly relations with the person who unwittingly offended you.
But often, unfortunately, we do not want to listen to each other. We hear only ourselves and the “offended child” inside us. But if you respect your interlocutor and want to maintain a really good relationship with him, then you must definitely clarify the unpleasant situation that has arisen, even if the discussion causes you pain: this is the position of an adult, mature person.
To gain the ability to overcome grievances and resentment, you first need to learn to express your feelings. Very often people say this: “You are doing bad, you are offending me, you are driving me crazy,” that is, they blame it on their opponent. It’s much better to say: “It’s unpleasant for me when you do this, your words are offensive to me.” If we talk more often about how we feel at the moment, then we will begin to realize that we always experience some kind of emotion - this is very important to understand.
Also in psychology there is the concept of mental resentment. This is a resentment that never goes away, and a person is constantly offended by something. Perhaps some of our readers will be indignant and say that this cannot be. But this, alas, is true. As we have already said, the tendency to take offense appears in childhood because adults pay attention to a child who blows his lips faster than to a child who is calm and content with what is happening. The kid understands very quickly: in order to be heard and paid attention to, you must always pretend to be offended. People with mental resentment, even in childhood, develop the habit of being constantly “humiliated and insulted.” Already as an adult, such a person begins to manipulate others, causing them to feel guilty.
Getting rid of mental resentment is quite difficult. This is already a feature, part of his life, but you can get rid of other types of grievances. This is what we will discuss further.

Consequences of frequent grievances

If a person does not engage in self-development and continues to be offended by everything, this can not only cause the development of all kinds of diseases (the so-called psychosomatic factor), but also lead to the loss of friends and permanent problems, even divorce. It is not for nothing that the Bible calls pride one of the most serious sins, because it is because of pride that a person is most often offended.
Because of an unforgiven offense that eats away at the soul, a person can spend a long time mainly trying to take revenge on his offender, and coming up with various plans for revenge. This will occupy all his thoughts, and meanwhile he own life will pass by, and when he finally notices it, it may be too late.
Anyone who walks around with resentment in his soul gradually develops dissatisfaction with life, he does not notice all its charms and colors, and negative feelings eat away at his personality more and more. Then irritability, anger at others, nervousness and a state of constant stress may appear.

How to cope with resentment and stop being offended

1. First, you must understand that often your offender has no idea that someone is offended by him, that he hurt someone. If you realize this, you will also understand that there is no point in being offended by a person who will never know about it. And if you want to clarify the situation, then you will have to tell him about your negative feelings. In the end, your resentment will pass one way or another.
2. Chinese sages believe that resentment eats us from the inside, and a person who cannot forgive someone lives in constant stress and destroys his soul. So is it worth holding a grudge against someone, causing harm first of all to yourself? Try it and you will immediately feel relief.
3. Try to take something useful for yourself out of an unpleasant situation. If a person offended you, it means that he touched your sore spot, told the truth in your face (after all, very often we are offended by the unpleasant truth). Try to understand why what was said hurt you so much, admit at least to yourself that there is some truth in the words of the offender, and thank him for saying unpleasant things to your face and not spreading rumors behind your back. This alone is worthy of respect, not offense.
4. Always try to understand a person before getting offended by him. Perhaps he did it unconsciously, he simply behaves this way in principle. If a person is aggressive or rude, perhaps it is not about you at all, but about some of his life circumstances: maybe he is currently having problems at work or in his personal life. Taking out irritation on others, of course, is not good, but, alas, not everyone can resist this. So in such a case It is better for MirSovetov readers not to be offended by the rude person, but to try to help him or at least show sympathy.
5. If I offended you stranger, with whom you will never meet again, you should not keep a grudge to yourself. Just forget about her, because nothing connects you with this person. If the offense was caused by a close friend or relative, then you cannot do without a frank conversation. But you need to start such a conversation only when you have cooled down and put your emotions in order.
6. Very often people are offended that another person did not live up to their expectations. Understand that no one can read the thoughts of others, and if you want a person to act in a certain way, you need to ask him about it, and not wait until he himself guesses about your desire, and then be offended if this does not happen.
7. If you can’t forget the offense, and all the persuasion that being offended is pointless and stupid does not help, then you should use the NLP technique. It usually works flawlessly. Take a piece of paper, write on it the name of the person you are offended by, and express everything that hurts you. Then re-read your list and burn it, imagining how your resentment and aggression burn along with the sheet.
8. You can also take a piece of paper and write on it: “I forgive my friend, mother, father, etc. for the insults they inflicted on me (list all the insults).” Write this 70 times daily for 30 days, and gradually you will feel your resentment go away.
9. Take a pillow or punching bag and imagine that it is your abuser. Express everything that is on your soul, hit or shout - in general, give vent to your resentment and aggression. Do this until you feel relief.

American scientists from Stanford University have proven that resentment provokes many diseases, not only mental, but also physical. An experiment was conducted in which 90% of the participants, who had not forgiven their offenders for a long time, finally forgave them, and all these people gradually began to feel better. Gone

To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.

Resentment is a negatively colored emotion that, if abused, turns our life into hell. We begin to replay in our memory the situation or the words that caused the offense we received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Resentments make us feel pain, anger, rage, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!

Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! If we get offended, we get into a bad mood, deprive ourselves of health, and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the stronger devastating consequences from this feeling. If you choose not to be offended, you will make your life happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative feeling, will be discussed in this article.

Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our own happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us yank us on these leashes at will? Is it pleasant for us to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but certainly not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, you can easily get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended) that society has hung on us. All you need is desire and a little awareness.

In this article we will find out how to stop being offended by getting rid of this bad habit forever. And at the same time we will free ourselves from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of Lifestyle and Lifestyle, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that touchiness, especially increased sensitivity, brings to us.

So, What does it mean to be offended? This means giving in to your baser feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest single-celled organisms have a similar reaction, which always react the same way to a stimulus. But we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, being offended is not something that is not allowed, no. This is simply not a logical action - after all, by being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.

But with admirable persistence, we continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, at relatives and friends, at our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our touchiness, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...

… resentment - this is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything repeats itself in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! That's why this article appeared, from which we learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written below, but in the meantime, please be a little patient, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits in order to then strike the decisive blow. Fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue to explore insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but indomitably approaching the achievement of this good goal.

Resentment in the soul and heart

Experiencing resentment depresses us greatly. The worst thing is that a person can carry a grudge throughout his entire life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget do not allow us to live calmly and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to replay in our heads long-past events, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body returns again and again to that state where we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why mock yourself like that? All this is only because we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, the resentment in our heart. We cannot let go, forgive, forget. So this disgusting feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.

By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment towards the whole world and the people around us individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our lives. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we couldn't build happy family relationships: we once made a mistake with our choice and now all we can do is feel sorry for ourselves, so offended and insulted. As a result, we live in the past and do not allow the present into ourselves, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.

The worst thing here is that by constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. You can collect grievances throughout your life, and, as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Resentments accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure.” We do not let them fade into oblivion, because grievances have long become a part of us. And that’s why it’s so difficult to admit to ourselves that we’ve already spent too much time on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live in the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.

Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we ourselves scratch and make bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. Damn it, what kind of masochism is this?

“But the truth is behind us!” - we tell ourselves, which is why we feel offended and insulted. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if they really treated us badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, unjustly offended.

There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We have the ability to choose what we pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased sensitivity, then rest assured that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that the resentment can become part of this person forever.

Yes, they say that time heals grievances. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment that is regularly fed can remain in the heart and soul forever, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us up from the inside, which is why the colors of life fade, and more and more reasons to be offended appear again and again. But this is not what life was given to us for! And, if we were honest with ourselves, we would never wish such a fate on ourselves. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is a way out!

How to stop being offended?

Friends, below you will read 8 reasons why you shouldn't be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil within us. Under no circumstances should you scold yourself if you fall into the trap of resentment again. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when you succeed. It’s so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So over time bad habit the habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty,” and this means that in our lives there will be many more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that's great! Are you ready?

1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing - no one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obliged to act towards us as we think is right. Just think: do we fulfill everyone else's expectations without exception? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, we should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.

2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, you should always remember positive qualities the character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we concentrate on one annoying offense of this person, but do not take into account all the good things that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often make mountains out of molehills, forgetting about everything else (the good). In principle, this is natural: the human body is designed in such a way that negative emotions affect us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is related to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because offense destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.

And please, never forget that you quickly get used to good things. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that this will always be the case. And that doesn't mean other people have to show it too good attitude to us. It is optimal to take all good things not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice at such gifts with all your heart.

“Forget insults, but never forget kindness” © Confucius

3) No one is eternal. The person we are offended by today may not be there tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, you should never be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. Because then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones suddenly pass away. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear the care emanated from them. Even if they went too far at times, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this was out of great love for us. Please, friends, don't let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time left for grievances!

4) Accept responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our lives is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who is trying to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender may reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.

By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: “ Smart people They don’t get offended, they draw conclusions.” For example, your friend who missed an appointment and didn’t even call back could have done this for several reasons. Firstly, something could have happened to her. Secondly, circumstances may have developed in such a way that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe she is simply indifferent to you. In none of these three cases is there any point in being offended. And in the latter case, you should draw a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.

8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, you know about the saying that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we allow negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will get bogged down even deeper in this swamp. The feeling of resentment we experience serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment we have in our souls, the more likely it is that our lives will turn dark. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we encounter in the external. Stop being offended, friends. The time has come to move towards your goal, towards your dream, towards your happiness, and resentment, you understand, is not our help here.

How to forgive an insult?

The main thing in the forgiveness technique proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, forgive and free yourself. Don’t just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end your soul becomes light and joyful. So that the heavy burden will fall from our shoulders and we can breathe deeply without any worries or regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:

I forgive you (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that you...

I forgive myself for being...

Forgive me (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for...

The meaning of this technique for forgiving grievances is as follows. Why forgive the offender is clear and without explanation. We need to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) because the world around us is mirror image our inner. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, and fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, we simply don’t want to be offended by anyone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we were offended, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, we need to forgive ourselves for the simple reason that when we take offense at ourselves, we experience a feeling of guilt, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.

It is optimal to perform forgiveness of grievances before going to bed; during the night our subconscious will do all the work, and we won’t even notice it. We won’t notice the work, but we will notice the result. The resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If grievances remain, then they should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will go smoothly and easily. We only need to give instructions to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.

Friends, after one or several uses of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and our lives become calmer. You will completely naturally and without any violence against yourself stop thinking about it: the offense that previously seemed so important will no longer cause any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” from now on, from now on, will not stand in front of you. And this makes it so good and calm!

Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to admit that everything we receive, including insults, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength to pacify our pride and sense of self-importance, then the rest is a matter of technique.

CONCLUSION

“They carry water for the offended” (c) Russian people

Dear readers of SZOZH, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the meaninglessness of insults and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have discussed in detail today.

I hope, guys, that if you ever decide to take offense, you will definitely remember our advice. And you will right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prevarication, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us are perfect), then you can easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.

I would like to complete the article about grievances and methods of dealing with them with the words of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Are you offended? Then print out this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with expression and a serious look:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don’t like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important this is - my offense, let him receive it as punishment for his “misdemeanor”. After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t mind wasting her precious time on being offended. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this moment to my resentment. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I don’t mind spending years of my life in resentment - after all, I don’t value my life. I don't know how to look at myself from the outside. I'm very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who offends it. I’ll hang a sign on my forehead that says “Beware of Evil Dog,” and just let someone try not to notice it! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony to laugh, a drop of generosity not to notice, a drop of wisdom not to get caught, a drop of love to accept. After all, I am a very, very important turkey!” © Osho

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9 chosen

Excessive touchiness is not the best character trait. Constant grievances spoil your mood, put pressure on your psyche and, they say, even negatively affect your health. They interfere with building good and equal relationships with other people. In addition, for some aggressive individuals, grievances act like a red rag on a bull: they begin to bully precisely those who react to their attacks. It’s not for nothing that they say they offend those who are offended. And yet, some people do not want to deal with their own touchiness, preferring to hold on to this trait of their character. Let's figure out why this happens.

Inner child

Resentment is shifting responsibility onto another person. This reaction has been familiar to us since childhood. Children are always offended if something does not go the way they want: at a friend who does not share toys, at parents who did not buy ice cream, and even at a wind-up car that has broken down and refuses to go.

American psychologist Eric Berne believed that we have three components of personality: Child, Parent and Adult. In different situations, each of them can take a dominant position. So, grievances are the reaction of our inner child, who does not want to solve anything, but simply stomps his feet. But this will not solve the problem. This requires a more mature and responsible approach.

Manipulation

Why do children often act up? They are helpless creatures, and often the only way to get what they want is to get it from adults. So resentment is one of the ways of child manipulation. However, many people use it in adult relationships as well.

It would seem that this is very convenient. The guy didn’t want to buy the girl a new piece of jewelry, she was offended - and now, the gift is already in front of her. And in general, grievances in relationships for many women are a way to “educate” a partner: to show how to behave and reinforce this “correct” behavior. But only for serious relationship This is a path to nowhere: people very quickly figure out this type of manipulation and stop reacting to it. The “offended” person has to be offended more and more in order to get his way.

Low self-esteem

One of the reasons frequent grievances there may be low self-esteem. Such people figure out the motives for their actions for those around them, and these fantasies always turn out to be extremely unpleasant for them. The acquaintance did not say hello when we met, not because he did not recognize or did not notice, but because he deliberately showed disrespect. The colleague did not help with the report not because she forgot, but because she secretly wishes harm. Such people perceive any words addressed to them or critical remarks with hostility, and often see aggression where there is none.

Victim complex

In the most difficult case, excessive touchiness can transform into a victim complex. In this case, it becomes not only a character trait for a person, but also the main way of interacting with others. They draw attention to themselves with insults, try to earn love and achieve what they want. But even loved ones run away from such people - no one likes to constantly feel guilty.

Even worse, people with a victim complex often subconsciously strive for aggressors - after all, they will always give a reason to be offended by them. As a result, such a strange symbiosis is formed - one offends, the other is offended.

Resentment in psychology is a strong destructive feeling that has a destructive effect. Being offended, people refuse to communicate with loved ones, change the attitude of others towards themselves, and harm their own health. It leaves behind pain and emptiness that will persist for a long time: days, weeks, even years. When the pain gradually calms down, offensive words, gestures, glances suddenly reappear in the memories - and the condition returns, and with its former strength. To avoid such situations, you need to learn to transform negative reactions and get rid of accumulated attitudes that are harmful to harmony.

A state of resentment occurs when one person, when communicating, says or commits actions that go beyond what is permissible in the opinion of the other. Characterized by the following conditions:

• hostility;
• irritation;
• mental pain;
• annoyance;
• feeling of betrayal;
• the desire to inflict the same trauma on the interlocutor;
• exclusively subjective assessment of the situation due to blocking of consciousness;
• anger.

In psychology, the basis of resentment is the state after unfulfilled expectations from the interlocutor:

• real - I expected you to keep your promise;
• imaginary - I thought you would do this and not differently.

The reaction occurs regardless of the nature of the expectations. Then it follows one of the paths: it breaks out or hides inside the personality. The first path in most cases leads to conflicts, the second - to internal and prolonged coldness towards the offender.

While one of the parties to the conflict is offended, the other feels guilty. If this does not happen, the state of resentment becomes useless. It is impossible to experience a feeling of resentment towards an object that cannot react: animals, unfamiliar, inanimate objects. Those who will definitely avoid remorse and refuse to correct the situation will not cause feelings of resentment. Their words will most likely leave a reaction of anger, annoyance, and insult.

How to deal with grievances?

The reaction to an unpleasant situation depends on the personality type:

• Persons with increased expressiveness, choleric people, active extroverts splash out their emotions on their opponent. The misunderstanding that arises affects relationships, can quarrel, make enemies;
• persons of a melancholy disposition prefer to keep negative reaction inside, they put pressure on the opponent’s conscience with hidden levers. The feeling of injustice of the interlocutor causes depression. The conflict may not have a strong negative connotation, but such people can be offended for years, hiding their view of what happened and not trying to correct the situation.

Psychology of personal resentment: how does this feeling arise and what is it fraught with?

The basis of personal negative reactions is considered to be incorrect ideas about the interlocutor, comparison of one’s picture of the world with his worldview.

Each individual develops over time own set ideas about the surrounding space. It’s good if the acceptable behavior patterns of the interlocutors are approximately the same. Disagreements, with a biased assessment, lead to the reaction: “I thought you would do it differently,” “I think your words are wrong.”

The causes of occurrence are conventionally divided into three groups:

1. Unconscious manipulation due to inability to forgive. A common cause of grievances according to psychologists.
2. in order to make the interlocutor feel guilty, and then get what he wants.
3. Frustrated expectations. If you perceive your picture of the world as the only correct one, then the expectations associated with other people will sooner or later not be met. The reasons can be both significant and trivial. A colleague forgets to give him a ride home (“But I gave him a lift several times! He should have offered me the same!”), a friend from social networks I forgot to congratulate him on his birthday (“And I congratulated him. I’ll put it on a special list, then I’ll deliberately ignore his name day!”) - this is how resentment happens.

If a person is constantly offended, psychology promises him the following consequences:

• loss of communication with others. Not only that, not all friends are ready to feel guilty for someone’s destructive logic when trying to restore relationships. It may happen that the offender will tell others about the conflict, after which they will begin to shun the offended person;
• Not everyone is ready to analyze the reasons for the aggressive behavior of another, to guess whether he was offended by something, and if so, what exactly. Most people just don't care about it. The offended person has to keep the destructive emotion inside, not understanding how to get out of the situation;
• resentment (unexpressed - especially) undermines physical health, as it is directly related to the nervous system. Experiences due to the loss of harmonious communication with loved ones and harm to one’s own interests can affect one’s physical condition.

Resentment from a psychological point of view

As psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin notes, this is one of the most common reasons for seeking advice. It happens that a person formulates his problem completely differently, incorrectly building cause-and-effect relationships. During the consultation, it turns out that the cause of the current situation was precisely resentment. Therefore, if you have serious difficulties interacting with others, it is recommended to seek help from a specialist.

The psychology of resentment identifies several types of this feeling:

• Imaginary - based on a conscious desire to manipulate a loved one, to attract his attention. There is an exact calculation: “now I will show that I need to be treated differently, and he will make amends, for example, make a pleasant surprise.” This is often abused by children, thus demanding from their parents what they want;
• Random - occurs when disagreements arise between interlocutors. Instead of a reasoned dispute, a negative reaction appears. The conversation immediately changes direction: attempts begin to make amends, gain forgiveness, a conflict occurs, or communication simply stops;
• With an erroneous vector - for example, parents rewarded a sister with a sweet gift for getting “A’s” in her diary, but her brother is not doing well in school, so he was left without a gift. Instead of learning a lesson by improving his grades, the brother begins to take offense at his sister and behaves accordingly towards her. She, despite the lack of guilt, feels remorse;
• Hidden - does not appear externally. There are many reasons for this: a person is not ready to admit to himself that he is experiencing this feeling, he was raised with the attitude “to be offended is bad,” he simply does not want to conflict at a particular moment, etc. Sooner or later, the emotion will find a way out. But all the time while it is inside, the person experiences the smallest details of the conflict over and over again, continuing to put a strain on the nervous system.

In psychology, a feeling of resentment is characteristic of most people. But some people rarely get offended for really serious reasons, while others make it their lifestyle. They are ready to look for reasons in everything, and then obediently wait for the world to apologize and have a beneficial effect on their self-esteem.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

This emotion provokes diseases and disruptions in all body systems. The most vulnerable organ may be damaged.

Aggression, as an integral component of any negative reaction, rarely finds a way out in full. Part remains inside until the person gets rid of the memories of the situation, turning his attention to other topics. While inside, an aggressive reaction has a destructive effect on:

• nervous system: headaches, discomfort in the solar plexus area, problems with the spine;
• endocrine system: hormonal balance is disrupted due to anxiety, which provokes other diseases.

Most often, according to psychology, touchy people suffer. The heart muscle takes the blow of any experience. Unexpressed or unfinished grievances aggravate chronic diseases and add new ones. For example, gynecological problems, including infertility with an unknown cause, may be associated with misunderstandings between partners. Depression and depressed states often appear. Especially complex cases transform accumulated negativity into cancer or suicide attempts.

Timely work on character will help to avoid particularly serious conditions. Psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin claims: it’s never too late to start building a harmonious personality:

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

By its nature, such a reaction is only one of many feelings that a person is capable of expressing. But the impact on relationships with the outside world is so destructive that it is recommended to get rid of touchiness and reduce it to a minimum.

Negative manifestations:

• spoils relationships with loved ones;
• makes the touchy person unbearable;
• forms negative image among friends and colleagues;
• affects physical condition;
• takes a lot of time.

It’s curious: for the “victim” herself there is nothing negative in this bad habit. Why does a person get offended by trifles? Psychology gives the answer: it is simple and effective way manipulate others. I was offended - I got what I wanted. The goal has been achieved.

In fact, the positive manifestations of these reactions are different:

• a chance to reveal your weak points. Words and actions hurt when they touch a nerve. Is it possible to somehow protect, work through, strengthen the weakened “bastion” of the personality in order to avoid repetition? By the way, this is one way to distract yourself: start working on ways to protect yourself in the future;
• defensive reaction from pain A respite appears, time to switch from the very fact of separation to the feeling of injustice;
• one of the ways to cleanse yourself of accumulated negativity. In the process of getting rid of negative attitudes, a person clears away the “blockages” of frustration, anger, indignation and despondency that have been quietly accumulating.

Why get rid of feelings of resentment?

Touchiness in psychology, if there are no signs of a conscious bad habit, is, in fact, a subjective assessment of other people's life beliefs. Because someone thinks differently and does not live up to expectations, the victim suffers. Responsibility for suffering in most cases lies with her.

Getting rid of the feeling of resentment brings to life:

• calm;
• relief of the soul;
• physical health;
• psycho-emotional well-being;
• inspiration and success.

There is no point in wasting your time on frustration and anger that a loved one or colleague did not do something or did it in their own way. At the first signs of occurrence, you need to take control of the situation and get rid of destructive emotions.

In the process of getting rid of it, it will be important to analyze what is happening in order to prevent a recurrence in the future. For example, if close person If you didn’t give a gift on the occasion of a certain date, you need to figure out why this happened. Did he forget? This means that next time it’s worth reminding him in advance, preferably in a gentle form, so that he won’t be offended.

How to forgive an insult?

Touchiness is an acquired character trait in psychology. We learn this from the adults around us, adopt it as a bad habit, and then spend a long time looking for ways to get rid of it.

Two pieces of advice for victims:

• throw these experiences out of your heart;
• learn to forgive.

It is difficult for someone who has been accustomed to being offended by others all his life, to manipulate them consciously or unconsciously, to follow these tips. Psychologists' clients often misunderstand what is meant by seemingly simple phrases.

Remove resentment from your heart

For this there is good exercise: emotional isolation. It is based on simple example. The offender is perceived by the victim as a source of conflict. If she sees him every day without the opportunity to physically isolate herself (for example, colleagues working in the same office), she should try to turn off any emotions towards the offender. A notepad, pen, paper on the table do not evoke any emotions. The same neutral indifference must be formed towards the offender. It may be difficult at first. But over time, the quarrel based on subjective perception will be forgotten, the conflict will be settled. Neutrality - best helper for those who want to get rid of negative consequences communication.

How to achieve neutrality? Work through the conflict situation once with yourself or a psychologist, come to the conclusion: the negative reaction is caused by unjustified expectations in relation to the opponent, who could not reach the set bar. Let go of the offender along with his internal perception of the world, norms, and attitudes.

How a psychologist can help: teach you how to train stress resistance. Emotional stability is the key

Learning to forgive

Forgiveness is a conscious state, sincere, always coming from the heart. Only such a deep feeling really helps to deal with conflicts faster, as well as control the situation, promptly stopping attempts to offend and the desire to be offended.

To learn to forgive, you need to work daily with your life attitudes and change them. This can be done in any state, even if at that moment there is no resentment in the heart.

Five steps to the ability to forgive and love:

1. Live in harmony with your emotions.
2. Learn to let go of the past and live for today.
3. Control states, choose them consciously (“I choose forgiveness, not revenge”).
4. Learn lessons from each situation and use them in the future.
5. Forgive yourself, give love and light to others.

How a psychologist can help: There are training exercises for each step. A written statement of one’s own views, positions, and attitudes, followed by analysis, helps a lot. If you have a strong desire to follow this path, sign up for a consultation with psychologist Nikita Baturin. With its help, it is easier to learn to get rid of grievances.

How to help your child cope with resentment?

It is generally accepted that people tend to be offended from the age of 2–3 years. This is the period of the beginning of active interaction of the individual with the outside world. The baby learns what emotions are available to him, what they are for, and how they manifest themselves. He may not only be offended, but also demonstrate his reaction. If the adults around him do not tell him in time what is happening to him, but simply make up for his guilt with gifts time after time, the child will learn to manipulate.

The ability to consciously take offense remains until adulthood. Resentment is, to some extent, a “childish” feeling that does not grow with the owner. Adults are offended by others like five-year-old children.

Responsibility for such behavior lies on the shoulders of parents, guardians, and teachers. To prevent a person from growing up touchy, psychology gives some advice to educators of young children.

1. You cannot ignore a child's emotions. Explain, talk through each reaction. An offended child needs to calmly tell the essence of what is happening. If he tries to persuade him to buy his favorite sweets or toys, calmly explain why the purchase is impossible. The more often you ignore a child’s feelings, the longer and more difficult the path to getting rid of bad emotional habits will be.
2. Children cannot be prevented from showing emotions. After all, what is resentment in psychology? This is a destructive feeling that destroys external connections and deprives internal harmony. It cannot be hidden inside, “because it is not customary to be offended.” The sooner you instill in a person the habit of transforming negative reactions into life experience, the easier it will be for him in adulthood.
3. Punishment for displaying such reactions provokes a desire for revenge.
4. Teach your children to forgive. This can be done with the help of books, films, stories. The best way- this is, of course, my own example.

They say you need to prepare for it psychologically. You need to build a harmonious personality so that later you can easily instill these qualities in your children. Personal example was and remains the best teacher.

Resentment in childhood- not only negative emotion. This is a great opportunity to learn self-analysis and behavior control. The child learns to draw conclusions and build a behavioral strategy. Therefore, you should not be afraid of children's emotions and fight them. You just need to choose the right keys to the baby’s heart.

To summarize, we can say: resentment is also a medicine, you just need the right dosage. If this is not manipulation and a good habit of achieving what you want, then a negative reaction to words or actions can be considered as one of the feelings characteristic of a person. The higher emotional intelligence, those more benefits extracts herself from offensive situations. After self-analysis, such a person strives to quickly get rid of negative consequences. This is the path to success, harmony with yourself and the world around you.

The most meaningless feeling a person is capable of is resentment. A touchy person, through his behavior, tries to prove his importance to the whole world and to a specific individual, without confirming this with anything other than illogical attacks and accusations. Looking at relationships through the prism of touchiness distorts the worldview so much that they stop taking the person seriously and try to end the relationship with him, giving rise to an even greater feeling of disappointment in the latter.

Resentment and touchiness: what is the difference?

Resentment is a reaction, often demonstrative, in response to a statement, action or lack of action. The person is trying to show that he is dissatisfied with the course of what is happening, that he expected something different, and with all his appearance he demonstrates how strong his disappointment is. Intertwined with the offense is disappointment (one thing was expected - something else happened), pain and sadness ("I didn't expect this from you"), excitement and anxiety (what if it happens again), powerlessness ("you are stronger - that's why you think you're right"), irritation and anger (“I will take revenge on you”).

Resentment is like the flu: you can have a fever and recover in a couple of days, but perhaps the inflammation will take over the entire body and cause a chronic condition or destroy the carrier. This condition is called resentment. A very touchy person is ready to constantly take offense at all possible irritants, sometimes erecting piles of non-existent problems out of nowhere, showing with all his appearance how unfair the world is to him.

All a person’s feelings are a subjective thing, but the feeling of resentment is several times stronger than all others, since one’s “I” and personal dignity are placed above others.

Why do people get offended?

Psychologists divide all reasons into four categories:

• Misunderstanding of jokes: most often, a person who is devoid of a sense of humor is touchy; even a small tease can offend him - this is his defensive reaction and an indicator that there is no need to do this. This is the easiest form, although it happens that a person becomes fixated and carries a grudge for years, developing a plan for revenge.
• Manipulation: wanting to get what is planned, but not seeing the desired result, a touchy person “pouts his lips,” moves away and remains silent - showing with all his appearance that he expects completely different actions.

• Frustrated hopes: people often succumb to fantasies or attribute non-existent character traits to others, expect unusual actions, and then are deeply disappointed by reality. With offense they try to show the magnitude of their disappointment, as if unobtrusively trying to change the person.
• Inability or unwillingness to forgive: too high self-esteem and hyperego make people blind to other people's emotions and motives of actions. Moreover, this category of people can combine all three previous categories, turning a person into a paranoid person.

How does resentment develop into resentment?

Due to an excessive sense of self and increased self-pity, a person often has internal strife: “Why me? Why is it possible for them, but not for me? I deserve better, more.” This plunges a person even more into an illusory reality, invented by him and, most likely, significantly different from reality. And the more often this happens, if the cause of grievances remains unresolved and settles inside, the more people becomes touchy, fixated on his own experiences and blind to the feelings of others. Excessive touchiness becomes a natural state, destroying a person’s inner world.

Four types of offended people

Psychoanalysts share touchy people into several types, after analyzing which you can understand why they hold a grudge against you and how to correct the situation.

People with an eternal victim complex: they are constantly offended by everyone and everything, with or without reason: any careless word, sideways glance or gesture can drive them into deep depression, a week of silence or, conversely, constant whining. This type of overly touchy person in a state of passion can do anything, even attempt suicide, so you need to behave extremely carefully with them.

Paranoid: people who are touchy due to excessive suspicion, jealousy and fear of being deceived. They hear only what they want, understand the situation only from their extremely subjective point of view and look for a catch in almost everything.

People with an inferiority complex: their total lack of self-confidence gives rise to a feeling of insecurity; it seems to them that others constantly want to offend, laugh at shortcomings (sometimes visible only to themselves) and assert themselves at their expense. Often such people are quietly touchy; they do not make trouble, do not try to manipulate, but simply withdraw into themselves, accumulating a lump of resentment.

The Avengers: their distorted view of the world, combined with it, forces them to constantly scroll through plans for revenge, retribution for insults in their heads, and pushes them to further immoral actions. Moreover, the resentment gnawing at them is so great (even over a trifle) that for years they can nurture within themselves a plan for a vendetta worthy of Moriarty himself.

Male resentment

Men actually get offended extremely rarely - they rather get upset, angry or disappointed in some actions of their loved ones. The logical mindset simply does not allow them to keep the reason for a long time - after half an hour, the male consciousness will find something more interesting to do than dwell on an action that has already passed.

The only thing that can really hurt him and for a long time is criticism of his “male” behavior: sexual incompetence, comparison with other men, public condemnation and devaluation of his gifts. Then the man can either close himself off, or, maintaining external habitual behavior, keep the resentment within himself rather long time, and during strong quarrel express everything.

Women's resentment

Women hold the palm in terms of grievances: they are offended several times a day, while for some these are fleeting states that cannot even be called an insult - so, I was upset for five minutes and forgot. For some, this is a fixed idea throughout their lives: “You offended me - you didn’t see my tears,” because of which they begin to poison the lives of themselves and those around them. At the same time, she looks like a madman: she has absolutely no control over reason, emotions and can say mountains of unnecessary, rude and unnecessary things. It is excessive sensitivity that destroys such women.

Childish resentment

A child's resentment is a great psychological trauma, which can lead to a lot of complexes, rejection of the realities of the world and a distorted perception of the people around him. The danger is that an unstable child’s psyche cannot cope with experiences, cannot respond correctly to a stimulus and imprints negative experiences on the subconscious, forming an illusory reality.

Most people who are too touchy brought this feeling with them from childhood, they have grown together with it and can no longer live without it. 80% of all fears, phobias, complexes and reactions are embedded in a person in preschool age, most of them come from parents and close relatives. Therefore, next time, before scolding your child for something, think ten times whether it is necessary.

What are the risks of communicating with such a person?

When there is a touchy person in a company, it’s like a boil: it’s very annoying, but no one dares to touch it so as not to cause pain. An imperceptible ring of alienation is formed, which offends the person even more - the circle is closed. In addition, a very touchy person reacts sharply to criticism. Therefore, openly judging him for his sensitivity is the same as

The constant need to select the “right” words, expressions and actions already indicates that you are being manipulated, which means that the person has understood the power of his influence and will use it every time as needed.

Why don't all people get offended?

The psychology of a touchy person is different: some are extremely rarely susceptible to such a painful reaction, while others, on the contrary, are hypersensitive. You can joke with some to the point of foul, while others react sharply even to a comment about their hairstyle. Why is this happening?

In fact, everything depends on the internal state of a person: how self-sufficient he is or dependent on public opinion, what is the magnitude of his sense of pride and self-worth. Everyone has their own weak points and pain points: for some they are on the surface and painful, while for others they are hidden under a thick layer of character and willpower.

How to communicate with a touchy person?

For those around you, this is sometimes a whole problem. How to call a touchy person so as not to offend? How to communicate with him at all if there is no way to end the relationship (he is an employee, relative or husband-wife).

The first way is to try to ignore attempts at manipulation, provided that you really are right. You can ask an uninterested person for their opinion (of course, tactfully, so as not to further offend the offended person).

Second: try to take the situation into your own hands and transform it from emotional squabbles into a calm discussion of the problem.

Communication with overly emotional people teaches tolerance and loyalty; it is a good reason to look at yourself and others from a different perspective. You need to be lenient towards emotional outbursts - after all, if the reasons for such a reaction are known, then it becomes clear that the touchy person has internal problems above the roof. Have pity on him, only mentally.

The “all-in” method: feign resentment in response. Perhaps, having felt in the place of the “pseudo-offender”, a person will change his behavior and attitude. Try to put yourself in the place of the offended person and mentally scroll through the situation, trying to look at it through his eyes. Ask yourself what percentage of your fault is that the person is offended. Be objective: maybe you unconsciously, without thinking, hurt a person.

How to help get rid of resentment?

Explain to the person why you acted and said this and not otherwise. Explain in detail the reason in the smallest detail, make it clear with all your appearance that there was no desire to offend. If the situation really requires it, you need to apologize. Just remember: to apologize means to regret what you did and promise to do it again. Human reactions come from actions, not just words.

Try to explain that offense is a destructive feeling that shows how much the offended person does not respect himself as a person. Show that you respect him, but you will never have a close relationship if it develops so one-sidedly.

What will the accumulated grievances lead to?

Does everyone know that offense is a manifestation of one of the seven sins of Christianity: pride? A wounded sense of superiority spurs a person to break relationships, destroy marriages and family ties. Everything happens because everyone puts himself above the other, and this is a manifestation of pride.

Focused on his internal experiences, a person loses the ability to think sensibly, his productivity decreases, which, in turn, can lead to job loss. In an attempt to numb the pain of resentment, some people turn to drinking or taking drugs.

Why does a touchy person often get sick? His nervous system constantly overloaded with stress, depression and neuroses. Under the influence of feelings, he disrupts his usual diet, which has a detrimental effect on the digestive system: gastritis, stomach ulcers are side effects of stress.

Migraines, neck muscle spasms and shoulder girdle(which can lead to problems with the spine). Spasmed muscles, in turn, block the free functioning of the lungs, hyperventilation is disrupted, and this is the first step to colds and various types of inflammatory processes.

In the process of communicating with an offended person, try to convey this information; perhaps common sense will prevail and the offense will go away.