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Excessive touchiness is not the best character trait. Constant grievances spoil your mood, put pressure on your psyche and, they say, even negatively affect your health. They interfere with building good and equal relationships with other people. In addition, for some aggressive individuals, grievances act like a red rag on a bull: they begin to bully precisely those who react to their attacks. It’s not for nothing that they say they offend those who are offended. And yet, some people do not want to deal with their own touchiness, preferring to hold on to this trait of their character. Let's figure out why this happens.

Inner child

Resentment is shifting responsibility onto another person. This reaction has been familiar to us since childhood. Children are always offended if something does not go the way they want: at a friend who does not share toys, at parents who did not buy ice cream, and even at a wind-up car that has broken down and refuses to go.

American psychologist Eric Berne believed that we have three components of personality: Child, Parent and Adult. In different situations, each of them can take a dominant position. So, grievances are the reaction of our inner child, who does not want to solve anything, but simply stomps his feet. But this will not solve the problem. This requires a more mature and responsible approach.

Manipulation

Why do children often act up? They are helpless creatures, and often the only way to get what they want is to get it from adults. So resentment is one of the ways of child manipulation. However, many people use it in adult relationships as well.

It would seem that this is very convenient. The guy didn’t want to buy the girl a new piece of jewelry, she was offended - and now, the gift is already in front of her. And in general, grievances in relationships for many women are a way to “educate” a partner: to show how to behave and reinforce this “correct” behavior. But only for serious relationships this is a road to nowhere: people very quickly figure out this method of manipulation and stop reacting to it. The “offended” person has to be offended more and more in order to get his way.

Low self-esteem

One of the reasons frequent grievances there may be low self-esteem. Such people figure out the motives for their actions for those around them, and these fantasies always turn out to be extremely unpleasant for them. The acquaintance did not say hello when we met, not because he did not recognize or did not notice, but because he deliberately showed disrespect. The colleague did not help with the report not because she forgot, but because she secretly wishes harm. Such people perceive any words addressed to them or critical remarks with hostility, and often see aggression where there is none.

Victim complex

In the very difficult case Excessive touchiness can transform into a victim complex. In this case, it becomes not only a character trait for a person, but also the main way of interacting with others. They draw attention to themselves with insults, try to earn love and achieve what they want. But even loved ones run away from such people - no one likes to constantly feel guilty.

Even worse, people with a victim complex often subconsciously strive for aggressors - after all, they will always give a reason to be offended by them. As a result, such a strange symbiosis is formed - one offends, the other is offended.

Every person, starting from early childhood, is faced with a feeling of resentment. For some people, the offense quickly passes, while others harbor a grudge against their offender all their lives. Someone can easily cope with any life situations and does not even show that he has experienced a feeling of resentment, but someone is sulking at everyone, limits communication with people who caused offense, is angry at himself, at his life, at the whole world around him.

What is resentment?

Resentment is a bitter feeling that destroys, excites the soul, does not allow us to calm down, forces us to constantly replay in our mind the situation that led to the offense, and offensive words sound in us and destroy our lives. Bitterness from resentment gnaws from within and does not allow one to free oneself from suffering.
Resentment causes irritation, anger, aggression, hostility and even hatred towards the person who insulted, humiliated, or offended you. There is a desire to take revenge for the insult. And even when you feel that the offender is right, you still stubbornly continue to insist that you are right, trying to deceive everyone and even yourself.

Resentment arises when a person himself believes that he was treated incorrectly, unfairly, caused him physical or mental pain, upset him, insulted him, laughed at him, or refused him any request.

Moreover, he will experience a stronger sense of resentment from those people who are dear to him and close to him than from random passers-by. After all, if a random passer-by called you names, you will be indignant, but will soon forget about this incident. And if this word comes out of the mouth of your friend or husband, then you will pout your lips for a long time, throw angry, destructive glances at him, and will not want to talk to him, punishing him for his offense, making him feel guilty, demanding an apology and repentance from him .

But in fact, you are punishing yourself, because the insult has spoiled your mood, and digesting this situation again and again, your soul experiences pain, you deny yourself communication with your loved one, you waste your energy on the insult, you get irritated and nervous, worsening your health.

If you are constantly offended, for every reason, then the grievances accumulate, the desire arises to take revenge on the offender, to push him away from you, not to see him or hear him. And even if your offender repents, asks for your forgiveness, and you continue to play the victim, stubbornly refusing to talk or making scandals, sooner or later you will destroy your relationship with your grievances.

And if you understand that only you yourself are the author of the offense, that you yourself were offended, and the person you were offended by is not to blame, then it will be much easier for you to cope with the pain.

Why is resentment dangerous?

Let's draw conclusions: why is resentment dangerous? Firstly, it causes negative emotions and quarrels, leads to a breakdown in relationships, and loneliness. After all, by being offended, you push the offender away from you, not wanting to talk to him, and in return he will also harbor a grudge against you.

Secondly, resentment worsens your mood, you are depressed, despondent, which in turn can lead to insomnia, depression and other serious illnesses.

Why do people get offended

“It’s sometimes very pleasant to be offended, isn’t it? And a person knows that no one offended him, but that he invented an insult to himself and lied for beauty, exaggerated it himself in order to create a picture, became attached to a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he himself knows this, and yet he is the very first he is offended, he is offended to the point of pleasantness, to the feeling of greater pleasure, and thereby reaches true enmity...” Dostoevsky F.M. "The Brothers Karamazov".

Often a person is offended in order to change his attitude towards himself, so that the relatives, friends, and parents around him will take pity, caress him, and treat him with love and tenderness.

People also feel resentment when their expectations and hopes are not met; the life they created in their dreams does not coincide with reality. And loved ones do not do the things that are expected of them. And then the person is offended by everyone and the entire unjust world.

When people believe that they deserve more and that someone should give them more, a feeling of resentment arises against their parents, husband, wife, children, boss, and government.

But every person is the master of his life, and he himself is responsible for the events that happen in his life, as well as for the grievances that he created for himself and invented.

How to stop being offended

“Just as warm clothing protects against cold, self-control protects against resentment. Increase patience and calmness of spirit, and resentment, no matter how bitter, will not touch you.”. Leonardo da Vinci

Resentment eats us away from the inside, exhausts us, depresses us, and we definitely need to get rid of this harmful feeling. If you want to get rid of feelings of resentment forever, you must learn one of the rules - in this world no one owes you anything.

You expected your loved one to come to you with a large bouquet of roses, but instead of roses he brought a large box of chocolates. Your expectations were not met, and you were offended, your mood worsened, and you don’t want to talk to him. But if you understand and remember that no one owes you anything, then it will be much easier for you to accept such a situation, and over time you will learn not to be offended over trifles. After all, you could have told your friend in advance that you wanted him to give you roses, and then your expectations would have been fully justified, and there would have been no reason for offense.

Rule two - Each person has his own opinion, which may differ from yours.

You believed that out of the entire department, you are the most advanced in your work, you grasp everything on the fly, and only you should be appointed head of the department, because you have worked the longest and are competent in all matters. But the post of head of the department went to your friend, who, in your opinion, not only manages, but also doesn’t really know how to talk. And you harbored a grudge against all your colleagues, against the director, against your friend.

You think that he took your place, betrayed you. And the resentment overwhelms you and gives you no peace, and thoughts of revenge are swarming in your head. In your opinion, your friend is not worthy of this post, but, in the director’s opinion, it is your friend who is capable of leading the department. This is another rule that you need to learn and understand that you should not be offended if your opinion does not coincide with the opinions of the people around you.

You also need to understand and understand that Each person decides for himself with whom and where to spend his free time.

Yours best friend with whom you were - do not spill the waters yet kindergarten, went out of town for the weekend with her classmates. You’re just seething with indignation: “How could she betray our friendship? She offended me, I will never forgive her for this.”

But your girlfriend is not your property, and she has every right to decide who to be friends with and who to spend her time with, so there is no point in being offended in such situations.

How to stop being offended when you are deliberately humiliated, called offensive names, teased, or laughed at. If you react violently to these attacks, then they will mock you systematically in order to bring you to tears, to prove to everyone that you weak person. How to cope with resentment in such a situation?

Remember - normal person will never tease or humiliate other people. So this means that in front of you is a sick person, with bad character, but simply - a psycho. And, as everyone knows, there is such a rule - don't be offended by a fool . Learn not to notice bad words, addressed to you, let them pass your ears.

Should you be offended by criticism of yourself, the truth that people say about you? After parent meeting your mother scolded you for your bad grades, complained to you that you absolutely do not help around the house, that your room is like a pigsty, that all you can do is sit stupidly and play at the computer. You were very offended, angry with your mother and ran away from home. If such situations arise in your life, think about whether the criticism addressed to you is true or whether it was made up by your offender, and whether it is worth responding to it with offense. If you really got lazy, neglected your studies and were scolded for bad behavior, then there's no point in being offended by the truth , because you are to blame for everything.

Try to figure out for yourself why you are so easily offended, maybe the habit of being offended comes from childhood, and then it’s time to grow up, or maybe offending is one of your bad habits that you urgently need to get rid of so as not to poison the lives of yourself and others those around you. After all, grievances lead to misunderstanding, discord, and loneliness. Understand that by being offended and carrying the pain of resentment, you, first of all, harm yourself and your health.

Why you need to forgive an insult

“People of small minds are sensitive to petty insults; people of great intelligence notice everything and are not offended by anything.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld

If bitterness from resentment eats away at your soul, reverberates with pain in your heart, and all your thoughts are fixated on the resentment, then it’s time to get rid of that resentment. The best remedy from pain is forgiveness.

Having forgiven an offense, your soul becomes lighter, and you are freed from the burden of experiences that you carried within yourself. Having forgiven your offender, you again resume your relationship with the person you were sulking at, and without whom you felt bad.

Of course, there are also situations when the offense hurt you very much, when it ruined your life, you lost something significant and you never want to see the offender again, but you still need to forgive. Forgive him mentally in your soul, and you will find peace. Understand that nothing can be returned back, and it is pointless to continue to suffer and regret the past. You have to live in the present. To forget an insult, you need to forbid yourself to remember it, and throw it out of your head once and for all. This is a bad past, and everything bad must be gotten rid of. And if you yourself often offend people, and then suffer from feelings of guilt, just ask for forgiveness, even if you think you’re right. Just need to say two simple words- “forgive me”, and there will be peace and tranquility in your heart.

Love yourself and the people who surround you, do not offend anyone and do not be offended yourself. Work on yourself, learn to understand yourself, in situations that led to feelings of resentment. Try to find the reason and realize the futility of resentment. Forgive your offender and ask him for forgiveness, because he may also think that you have offended him, wish him health, happiness and love. And the world around you will become kinder and brighter.

To be offended or not to be offended - we always have such a seemingly simple choice. Unfortunately, we are often not the best option.

Resentment is a negatively colored emotion that, if abused, turns our life into hell. We begin to replay in our memory the situation or the words that caused the offense we received. This feeling comes to us because of quarrels and indifference, jealousy and envy. Resentments make us feel pain, anger, rage, sadness, hatred, bitterness, disappointment, desire for revenge, grief. One... But!

Friends, I repeat - this is only our choice! If we get offended, we get into a bad mood, deprive ourselves of health, and attract negative events to ourselves. The more often we do this, the greater the destructive consequences of this feeling. If you choose not to be offended, you will make your life happier and more harmonious. How to stop being offended and learn not to be offended at all, getting rid of this negative feeling, will be discussed in this article.

Think about it: is it nice to know that we are not the creators of our own happiness, but only play the role of dogs on a leash, and the people around us yank us on these leashes at will? Is it pleasant for us to realize that our mood depends on someone else, but certainly not on us? Hardly. In fact, this is a real addiction. And our choice is freedom! After all, you can easily get rid of the leash (the habit of being offended) that society has hung on us. All you need is desire and a little awareness.

In this article we will find out how to stop being offended, getting rid of this forever bad habit. And at the same time we will free ourselves from old grievances. In the meantime, dear readers of SZOZH, with your permission, I will continue to exaggerate and describe the destruction that touchiness, especially increased sensitivity, brings to us.

So, What does it mean to be offended? This means giving in to your baser feelings, including habitual reactions to other people's bad behavior. Even the simplest single-celled organisms have a similar reaction, which always react the same way to a stimulus. But we are people, which means we have much more room for maneuver in our behavior. Understand, friends, being offended is not something that is not allowed, no. This is simply not a logical action - after all, by being offended, we thereby harm ourselves, burning our soul and health, and also attracting negativity into our lives.

But we, with an admirable persistence, continue to habitually take offense at our loved ones and ordinary acquaintances, at relatives and friends, at our fate and the whole world. We diligently cultivate our touchiness, cherish it and cherish it. Completely forgetting that...

… resentment - this is solely our own choice . Although, unfortunately, most often unconscious. This is a harmful stereotype that seems to have grown into most of us. We are offended - we are offended, we are offended - we are offended. And everything repeats itself in a circle throughout our lives. But this is wrong! That's why this article appeared, from which we learn how to stop being offended. Useful practical recommendations are written below, but in the meantime, please be a little patient, friends. After all, we need to clearly identify the enemy with whom we will fight and will definitely win. First you need to carefully study his habits in order to then strike the decisive blow. Fatality! (c) Mortal Kombat. So let's continue to explore insidious resentment. After all, our goal is to dance on her grave, and we are slowly but indomitably approaching the achievement of this good goal.

Resentment in the soul and heart

Experiencing resentment depresses us greatly. The worst thing is that a person can carry a grudge throughout his entire life. Old and deep grievances that we cannot forget do not allow us to live calmly and happily. After all, instead of enjoying every moment of this delightful life, we begin to replay in our heads long-past events, we diligently restore and construct dialogues with our offender. Our body returns again and again to that state where we are almost shaking, although outwardly this may not manifest itself in any way. Why mock yourself like that? All this is only because we cannot get rid of the resentment in our soul, the resentment in our heart. We cannot let go, forgive, forget. So this disgusting feeling of resentment undermines us, imperceptibly destroying our lives.

By the way, it should be noted that chronic, total resentment towards the whole world and the people around us individually is the first sign that something has not worked out in our lives. For example, we chose the wrong profession: we dreamed of creativity, but we work as a manager in an office. Or we were unable to build happy family relationships: we once made a mistake in our choice and now all we can do is feel sorry for ourselves, so offended and insulted. As a result, we live in the past and do not allow the present into ourselves, which, perhaps, is very kind and positive.

The worst thing here is that by constantly being offended, receiving new grievances and remembering old ones, we turn into collectors. Collectors of grievances. You can collect grievances throughout your life, and, as true collectors, we never want to part with a single copy. Resentments accumulate, and we savor each of them with “pleasure”. We do not let them fade into oblivion, because grievances have long become a part of us. And that’s why it’s so difficult to admit to ourselves that we’ve already spent too much time on our touchiness. It is much easier to continue to live in the illusion of being right and the injustice of this world.

Old grievances are like unhealed wounds that we ourselves scratch and make bleed. Instead of forgiving the offense or even completely getting rid of the habit of being offended, we stubbornly torment ourselves, causing pain and suffering. Damn it, what kind of masochism is this?

“But the truth is behind us!” - we tell ourselves, which is why we feel offended and insulted. This is how we justify ourselves. We feel almost universal injustice. How dare they do this to us?! Alas, even if we were really treated badly, we only finish ourselves off with our resentment. To be offended means to revel in pity for oneself, who has been unfairly offended.

There are always plenty of reasons for resentment. We have the ability to choose what we pay attention to in this life. With our thoughts and our choices we attract to ourselves what we receive. If a person shows increased sensitivity, then rest assured that there will definitely be reasons to be offended. And the worst thing that can happen is that the resentment can become part of this person forever.

Yes, they say that time heals grievances. Most often this is true, but there is one thing. Resentment that is regularly fed can remain in the heart and soul forever, poisoning our lives. Hidden resentment simply eats us up from the inside, which is why the colors of life fade, and more and more reasons to be offended appear again and again. But this is not what life was given to us for! And, if we were honest with ourselves, we would never wish such a fate on ourselves. Friends, it's not too late to change everything. There is a way out!

How to stop being offended?

Friends, below you will read 8 reasons why you shouldn't be offended . Please try to understand and feel each point separately. We need to remember this and put it into practice every time resentment begins to boil within us. Under no circumstances should you scold yourself if you fall into the trap of resentment again. Everything will happen gradually, everything has its time. But be sure to praise yourself when you succeed. It’s so nice to see that our actions and mood gain independence. It's nice to know that you and only you are the captain of your ship. So, over time, the bad habit of being offended will disappear by itself. As they say, “a holy place is never empty,” and this means that in our lives there will be many more miracles and joy that will come instead of useless resentment. And that's great! Are you ready?

1) Nobody owes us anything. You just need to understand and accept one simple thing- No one in this world is obliged to conform to our ideas. No one is obliged to act towards us as we think is right. Just think: do we fulfill everyone else's expectations without exception? Most likely, this does not always happen or does not happen at all, and this is completely natural. Our life is our life. First of all, we are interested in solving our problems, and only after that - in helping other people. Therefore, we should not be offended by other people, because they also do not owe us anything.

2) Remember and appreciate only the good. To stop being offended, you should always remember positive qualities the character of our offender. After all, there is something beautiful in every person. Often we concentrate on one annoying offense of this person, but do not take into account all the good things that he did for us earlier. That is, we take goodness for granted, but when we are offended, we often make mountains out of molehills, forgetting about everything else (the good). In principle, this is natural: the human body is designed in such a way that negative emotions hurt us more than positive ones. Perhaps this is related to survival in primitive times, when fear and anger spurred ancient people to survive. But that time has long passed. Therefore, friends, stop being offended, because offense destroys us and, moreover, it is completely meaningless.

And please, never forget that you quickly get used to good things. If a person treats us well, this does not mean that this will always be the case. And that doesn't mean other people have to show it too good attitude to us. It is optimal to take all good things not for granted, but as a gift. And rejoice at such gifts with all your heart.

“Forget insults, but never forget kindness” © Confucius

3) No one is eternal. The person we are offended by today may not be there tomorrow. As a rule, only in such sad situations do we finally realize how petty and absurd our grievances were. For example, you should never be offended by fathers and mothers, grandparents. Because then it will be very difficult for us to forgive ourselves when these loved ones suddenly pass away. Only then do we suddenly clearly realize how boundless and crystal clear the care emanated from them. Even if they went too far at times, even if they did a lot of things wrong, but all this was out of great love for us. Please, friends, don't let this happen. Live here and now, appreciate the present moment - then there is no time left for grievances!

4) Accept responsibility for everything that happens to us. For everything that happens in our lives is the result of our own choice. Nothing is in vain! For example, a person who is trying to offend us may be sent to us so that we can learn something. And our other potential offender may reveal his true appearance, for which we should also be grateful.

By the way, it is useful to follow the simple motto of smart people: “ Smart people They don’t get offended, they draw conclusions.” For example, your friend who missed an appointment and didn’t even call back could have done this for several reasons. Firstly, something could have happened to her. Secondly, circumstances may have developed in such a way that she did not have the opportunity to warn you. Thirdly, maybe she is simply indifferent to you. In none of these three cases is there any point in being offended. And in the latter case, you should draw a conclusion and rid yourself of such relationships.

8) Resentment attracts negative events into our lives. Friends, you know about the saying that like attracts like? By dwelling on our grievances, we allow negativity into our lives. Events happen to us that provoke us to continue to experience negative feelings and emotions. And if we give in, we will get bogged down even deeper in this swamp. The feeling of resentment that we experience serves as a kind of target for all sorts of misfortunes and misfortunes. The more resentment we have in our souls, the more likely it is that our lives will turn dark. And vice versa, the more positive our inner world, the more happiness we encounter in the external. Stop being offended, friends. The time has come to move towards your goal, towards your dream, towards your happiness, and resentment, you understand, is not our help here.

How to forgive an insult?

The main thing in the forgiveness technique proposed below is a sincere desire to get rid of resentment, forgive and free yourself. Don’t just mechanically perform the exercise, but do it consciously, so that in the end your soul becomes light and joyful. So that the heavy burden falls from our shoulders, and we can breathe deeply without any worries or regrets. Let's get started! Here is the setting for our subconscious:

I forgive you (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for the fact that you...

I forgive myself for being...

Forgive me (insert the name of the person we are offended by) for...

The meaning of this technique for forgiving grievances is as follows. Why forgive the offender is clear and without explanation. We need to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness from our offender (mentally) due to the fact that the world around us is a mirror image of our inner one. It is necessary to realize that we ourselves attracted a bad situation into our lives, and the offender only reacted to our thoughts, state, and fears. When we take responsibility for everything that happens to us, we simply don’t want to be offended by anyone. The more clearly we begin to understand how and why we were offended, the easier it becomes for us to forgive the offender. By the way, we need to forgive ourselves for the simple reason that when we take offense at ourselves, we experience a feeling of guilt, which means we attract punishment into our lives. Which leads to the repetition of negative situations when we are intentionally or accidentally offended.

It is optimal to perform forgiveness of grievances before going to bed; during the night our subconscious will do all the work, and we won’t even notice it. We won’t notice the work, but we will notice the result. The resentment will become much weaker or go away altogether. If grievances remain, then they should be repeated. You can also perform the proposed technique during the day, the main thing is not to get hung up on it, but to understand that everything will go smoothly and easily. We only need to give instructions to our subconscious, everything else is not our concern.

Friends, after one or several uses of this simple technique, you yourself will notice that the offense is forgiven and our lives become calmer. You will completely naturally and without any violence against yourself stop thinking about it: the offense that previously seemed so important will no longer cause any response. Thus, the question “how to forgive an offense?” from now on, from now on, will not stand in front of you. And this makes it so good and calm!

Of course, this technique is not for everyone. After all, we need to have the strength to admit that everything we receive, including insults, is our choice. We ourselves are responsible for this, directly or indirectly. If we find the strength to pacify our pride and sense of self-importance, then the rest is a matter of technique.

CONCLUSION

“They carry water for the offended” (c) Russian people

Dear readers of SZOZH, in this article I set myself the task of showing you the meaninglessness of insults and resentment. Resentment not only does not solve the problem, but is also harmful for many reasons, which we have discussed in detail today.

I hope, guys, that if you ever decide to take offense, you will definitely remember our advice. And you will right choice! And we will be incredibly happy if the moment comes when you, without prevarication, can say with complete confidence: “I never take offense!” And even if you are offended (after all, none of us are perfect), then you can easily forgive the offense thanks to the technique of forgiveness and you will live happily and without any sadness. After all, learning not to be offended is a very useful skill that significantly improves the quality of our lives.

I would like to complete the article about grievances and methods of dealing with them with the words of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, better known as Osho. Are you offended? Then print out this text, go to the mirror and read loudly, with expression and a serious look:

“I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don’t like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment. Oh, let him see how important this is - my offense, let him receive it as punishment for his “misdemeanor”. After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life. I don’t value my life so much that I don’t mind wasting her precious time on being offended. I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this moment to my resentment. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I don’t mind spending years of my life in resentment - after all, I don’t value my life. I don't know how to look at myself from the outside. I'm very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who offends it. I’ll hang a sign on my forehead that says “Beware of Evil Dog,” and just let someone try not to notice it! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity to forgive, a drop of self-irony to laugh, a drop of generosity not to notice, a drop of wisdom not to get caught, a drop of love to accept. After all, I am a very, very important turkey!” © Osho

Please write comments and share this information with your friends. See you again soon on the pages of SZOZH!

Resentment is one of the most difficult feelings that colors a person’s life in dark colors. Resentment spoils relationships between close people, leaving a negative imprint on psychological state person. This is a feeling that contributes to a person’s self-destruction.

Most often, a severe, all-consuming resentment covers one of the partners when people break up, and there is neither the strength nor the desire to let go and forgive the person. Thus, a person seems to be frozen in his past and directs the entire resource of his personality, emotional, mental and spiritual, into the past, constantly blaming another person and making various plans in order to achieve fair retribution. Or he develops vigorous activity: he complains to friends and constantly discusses the betrayal and incredible actions of his former partner with the entire circle of mutual acquaintances. In this case, the person wants the ex-partner to face the condemnation of his environment and literally drown in a feeling of guilt. But most often this only ends with the offended person being sucked in like a swamp by a feeling of powerlessness and emptiness.

Resentment is a secondary feeling, derived from unexpressed anger and dissatisfaction. When we are faced with the fact that someone acts unpredictably for us, does not live up to the expectations that we have placed on him, then an internal feeling of dissatisfaction arises. If at the same time we cannot influence the process, we cannot initiate a certain behavior in another person, then we feel powerless, and then the amount of internal anger increases. Often, during a breakup, a person does not even have the opportunity to express his anger and pain, and then internal resentment binds him from within like a shell.

Resentment is a normal feeling if it does not arise often, but if others talk about our increased sensitivity, or it seems to us that everyone around us does not respect our boundaries and offends us all the time, then it makes sense to think about it. Touchy people are a situation or position in relationships and in life.

If we often get offended, then we can say that we place quite high demands on people, which means that they often fail and do not live up to our expectations. You must try to look at situations maturely and accept your primary feelings, such as anger and irritation, and be able to defend your boundaries. It is important to try to step into your partner’s shoes and at least try to take into account his feelings, motives and allow him to make his choice, even if it is wrong (as we think). In this way, we can take responsibility for our lives into our own hands, stop being passive and overcome powerlessness. And if the feeling of powerlessness decreases, then the resentment decreases.

Excessive touchiness is a child's condition. The child is weak and cannot influence the situation; his main way of reacting to unpleasant events is resentment or tears. The more touchy a person is, the more infantilism and selfishness he has. The credo of life for those who are always offended: “It’s better for me to be offended by someone than to start doing something. As long as there is someone who is to blame for everything, I can just be a victim and blame others for my troubles.” Sometimes people prefer to be offended by each other for years, but not take a single step to end this sick relationship, but in fact they are simply afraid to come into contact with the world, they are ready to endure relationships with very low quality, endure humiliation and insults, but not start nothing again

There are also situations where a person was refused so often in childhood that he simply does not know how to ask. He strives to satisfy all his needs independently, without resorting to requests. But his silence does not mean that he has no expectations from others, they just all remain unspoken. In this case, silent expectations from others, unspoken demands and reproaches, gradually turning into insults, become the main genre of communication.

In essence, grievances are a silent reproach or demand. If we obviously believe that our partner does not have the right to act differently than we consider possible, then perhaps we are not very ready to take the other person into account in principle. Maybe we have not been taught, or we are afraid, or we are driven by a great desire to subjugate another, because it is safe - there can be a great many reasons.

When we meet another person, fall in love and begin a relationship, it starts creative process: in our minds we enthusiastically paint an ideal picture, but if reality does not confirm our illusions, we become very upset and offended. For example, we were already planning a crib in a three-room apartment with this particular man, and he suddenly announced that he did not see the continuation of this relationship. The most difficult thing here is that our author’s masterpiece is being destroyed, and this can be very painful and offensive. After all, there is no man (or woman), which means there is no picture.

The discrepancy between the internal picture of the world and external reality contributes to the development of resentment. If you had your own picture of the world inside, then you are probably familiar with such expressions: “You did not live up to my expectations”, “You deceived me, I believed you”, “I expected something different from you”, “You did the wrong thing, as you should have”, “How could you do this to me”, “Who are you to do this...”, “You promised”

Expectations are not the same thing as plans and dreams. In the case of expectations, we clearly know what and from whom we want to teach, what we expect from the other. And if suddenly another person acts differently, it hurts very much. Moreover, if a partner does what we expected, we do not pay attention to it. And if these expectations from each other are irrepressible, then the idealization that occurs at the first stage of acquaintance is soon replaced by disappointment. If a man or woman announces a breakup in a relationship, or if they disappear after several meetings, this hits our self-esteem very hard, we begin to feel very tight, lose self-confidence, and begin to look within ourselves for the reasons for what happened. In general, this process sometimes becomes a vicious circle.

Now you know why people get offended, where excessive touchiness begins, and why this feeling can torment us for years. Of course, this is a difficult choice, but if we want to live on, breathe deeply and are not ready to give up happiness, then it makes sense, step by step, living and letting go of our past, gradually letting go of grievances and re-opening our hearts to joy and flight.

Leonardo da Vinci

Perhaps we all have to deal with grievances in our lives from time to time. Situations when we are offended by someone, or when someone is offended by us, are almost inevitable. This is understandable, our behavior does not always suit other people, and their behavior does not always suit us, and there are many reasons for this. The main reason is our egoism, which forces us to think first of all about ourselves, while other people want us to think about them, or even about them. And we also want other people not to forget about us and to take into account our interests and desires when making certain decisions. But when our expectations for other people are not met, we become offended by them. Touchiness is not the most attractive character trait in a person and many people disapprove of it. However, it is inherent in most people, or rather, in everyone, so we inevitably have to deal with it. In this article, dear readers, I will tell you about why people are offended by each other, how to behave with offended people, and what we should do with our own resentment so that it does not prevent us from achieving our goals and enjoying life.

You know, I have always believed and still believe that being offended is the lot of the weak. I know that many of us are offended by someone from time to time, and I, too, sometimes get offended, including myself. We tend to be offended, so this is a normal reaction and there is no need to be ashamed of it. But you and I must understand that this is not the most best model behavior – not the most effective, not the most effective, not the most adequate and not the most beautiful. Therefore, it is better to replace it with another model, a more advanced and, let’s say, mature model of behavior. Below I will tell you about what you can do to give up touchiness and how to do it.

To answer the question of why we are offended, we need to pay attention to how we are offended - do we take offense within ourselves in order to feel sorry for ourselves and justify our failures, or do we demonstrate to other people our resentment, our dissatisfaction, our offended by their actions in order to achieve from them a certain reaction that we need. Moreover, one thing is often combined with the other. After all, we all want something from someone, but we don’t always get what we want. What is not a reason to be offended and show other people that they are wrong, and at the same time justify yourself in your own eyes - shifting all responsibility for your failures to other people. For some of us, resentment is a real salvation from internal discomfort. So there will always be a reason to be offended, but being offended is not always appropriate, and often even harmful, so it all depends on how a person is used to reacting to what does not suit him in the behavior of other people. It happens that other people do not live up to our expectations and hopes, so we are disappointed in them - we are dissatisfied with them, we are dissatisfied with their behavior and even with ourselves for trusting these people. We feel offended, we feel betrayed. This happens often. But we can carry our resentment within ourselves, that is, we can be offended unnoticed, or we can be offended so that everyone can see it, and we do this mainly when our resentment allows us to manipulate other people. So, on the one hand, we are looking for a reason to feel sorry for ourselves and justify ourselves, and on the other hand, we want to achieve something from other people with the help of resentment.

All this comes from childhood, when the ability to be offended by adults, mainly by their parents, allows the child to achieve certain concessions on their part. With the help of resentment, children attract the attention of adults, clearly demonstrating to them their weakness and pressing on their feelings of guilt. This is real manipulation, because when we demonstrate our touchiness to others, we try to manipulate them, we try to influence their feelings of guilt in this way in order to induce them to take the actions we need. This is why and why we are offended. Resentment can be spontaneous, when we simply don’t know how else to react to the disappointment that we have experienced because of other people, or it can be purposeful, when we want to influence someone. Why are you, dear readers, offended? Think about it. Your resentment may not be doing you any good, regardless of whether you are resentful because it is to pity and justify yourself, or to influence other people, or both. Let's look at what else makes people touchy.

Upbringing. Despite the fact that unfavorable hormonal levels may also affect a person’s touchiness, more significant role Education still plays a role in this matter. Well, correctly, and even let’s say, a reasonably educated person will not be offended, or in any case, he will not show his offense to anyone. Why, why should we be offended when there are plenty of other ways to survive any failures and disappointments, and to influence other people? A person who is offended demonstrates weakness, people do not respect offended people because they despise weakness because it is not viable. It is much more profitable to act from a position of strength or to interest other people in order to achieve the desired behavior and desired actions from them. Think for yourself - what do we show to other people when we are offended by them and show them our resentment? What did they do wrong—wrong for us, but at the same time, quite possibly, right for themselves? We also show them that we are unhappy with them, that we are not satisfied with their behavior, that we want an apology, for something to be done for us, and so on and so forth. In other words, we want something from people with whom we are demonstratively offended, and at the same time, we see no other way to get what we need from them. What is it? This is weakness. We demonstrate to people our inability to influence them in other ways, we admit our own helplessness. Will this help us solve our problems and tasks, help strengthen our position in society, in the team, in relationships with the opposite sex? No, it won't help. In rare cases, people can be manipulated by influencing their feelings of pity, guilt, and their desire to be good and right for everyone, including us. But still, in many cases, touchiness has an extremely limited range of possibilities. In general, we can be offended by selfish people as much as we want - they still won’t change anything in their behavior. But the problem is that if a person is used to being offended, is used to seeking concessions from other people in this way, because he was raised that way, one might even say that he was spoiled, it is difficult for him to give up this behavior, even if his grievances do not work. Or if a person is so morally weak that he is unable to adhere to a different model of behavior with people, then for him grievances are the only salvation. But all these problems can be solved.

Passing the buck. The desire to shift responsibility to others also often prompts many people to be offended by everyone who did not help them in some way. Although, why on earth should someone help someone, especially just like that, is unclear. But for some touchy people this is not so important. The main thing for them is that they are not to blame for anything, other, bad, wrong people are to blame for everything. It is they, other people, who are to blame for not meeting the expectations of the offended person, and not he is to blame for placing these expectations on them. Or other people may be guilty of not paying the person the attention he needs and doing little for him, while he didn’t really try to interest them in himself, so that it would be beneficial for them to pay their attention to him. In general, the point is that being offended by other people means seeing them as the problem, not yourself. But what's the point? How many people want to change for someone? How many people want to change, at least for their own sake? So what's the point of being offended by them, what's the point of shifting responsibility to them for how they behave with us? Well, perhaps only for internal peace, for internal comfort, there is no need for anything else.

Manipulation. The desire to manipulate people, including through touchiness, is an innate human desire. You can manipulate people with the help of resentment both consciously and unconsciously. This is done unknowingly mainly by children who simply adhere to the model of behavior that allows them to extract from adults the right attitude to yourself. And if adults react to a child’s grievances in the way he needs, he will continue to be offended by them in the future. We've all been through this, most of us. But some people, it must be said, have consciously taken touchiness into their arsenal and, with its help, manipulate everyone they can, everyone who allows themselves to be manipulated in this way. And those who see bad people in touchy people educated people and the most ordinary manipulators - in most cases they are not mistaken. True, sometimes such manipulation looks rather naive, because, as I said above, not many people react to the insults of other people in the way they, the manipulators, need. And this is correct, since any manipulation is not a way to find a common language with a person in order to get something from him, but at the same time give him something, but a way to achieve what he wants, without taking into account the interests of this person, without taking into account the interests and the desires of other people. This is forgivable for children; they get along with adults as best they can. But for an adult to be offended by people in order to manipulate them, at least it’s not becoming. And as a maximum, I think this needs to be punished, either through counter-manipulation, or by ignoring such people. This is about the question of how to behave with touchy people. Sometimes, of course, you can listen to them and understand them if they are offended not for the purpose of extracting unilateral benefits, but because of their weakness. But still, an offended person must be rid of this bad habit - the habit of being offended.

I would also like to note that children’s touchiness is a natural age stage. Children are forced to act from a position of weakness, putting pressure on the pity and guilt of adults; for them this is one of the few opportunities to achieve the attention they need and certain concessions. Adults are a different matter; for them, touchiness is more of a disadvantage than an advantage. It’s unpleasant to see how an adult, instead of agreeing on something with other people, prefers to be offended by them and expects that they will make concessions to him. This is ugly and in some cases naive. At the same time, touchiness can be pathological, when a person not only does not know how to react differently to other people if their behavior does not suit him, but even looks for reasons to be offended, in order to make himself a victim, to cry, to show how life is unfair to him and how bad other people who have offended him can be. There is also normal touchiness, when a person is so disappointed with other people that he simply cannot resist expressing his disappointment with them through offense. In this case, such a reaction is an exception for a person and therefore he is offended very rarely, in exceptional cases when his emotions are so strong that it is difficult for him to control them. We have all been so offended at least once in our lives, because sometimes, indeed, some people amaze us with their dishonesty and sometimes even cruelty. And when you’re hurt, when you’re not cared for, when you’ve been betrayed, you don’t really think about what it looks like. your behavior from the outside. Well, non-offensive people are an example for all of us to follow. Those who never take offense get the decisions, actions, and behavior they need from people in other ways, including through the ability to negotiate, interest, and persuade. As a rule, it is very pleasant to deal with such people - after all, they are quite objective in assessing their own and other people’s interests and try to think not only about themselves, but also about other people when they are asked for something. It's a pity that there aren't many such people in our lives.

Be that as it may, sometimes, I believe, you can allow yourself to be offended, especially in those cases when you were deceived, betrayed, let down by a person dear to you, whom you trusted one hundred percent. Still, a treacherous act on the part of someone close and dear to you, and especially a loved one, is a very strong blow, after which it is difficult to control your emotions. But you shouldn’t focus your attention on the offense. It must be experienced and conclusions drawn from the incident that caused it. People hurt us for a reason, but so that we perceive them adequately and do not trust them too much.

But it would be simply wonderful not to be offended at all. People who never take offense at anyone exist, but, as I already said, they are few. Usually these are self-confident people with maturity of mind and good mental health. In addition, such people understand well how to behave in our society in order to obtain from other people the necessary actions, decisions, actions, and the right attitude towards themselves. No one is going to meet us halfway just because we want it, and no matter how much you are offended by people, most of them will think first of all about themselves and their desires, goals, dreams. But our desires and dreams are our worries. Therefore, it is better to adhere to a more effective and efficient model of behavior when communicating with other people. And even if you are rightfully offended by them, try not to show them your offense unless you are sure that they will react to it in the way you want. There is no need to show people your weakness and dependence on them - as a rule, this does not make them kinder and more sympathetic.

To stop being offended, you must first find out what result you want to achieve with your offensive behavior? You need to ask yourself this question if you are offended by people demonstratively, if you show them your offense and expect a certain reaction from them. Somewhere in the depths of your soul, you clearly hope that people will make concessions to you, reacting to your resentment towards them, and do something for you that you want them to do. Perhaps you simply expect that they will apologize to you, if there is anything, or perhaps you expect that people will try to atone for their guilt to you for offending you. Surely in childhood, your grievances brought you certain positive results when adults, for example, your parents, made concessions to you. And now you expect that this model of behavior will work in adulthood and you will be able to use your grievances to achieve the same concessions as in childhood.

So think about the outcome you are hoping for. And when you understand what you want, when you realize your calculations in relation to other people, think about other ways to influence them. Well, what kind of ways these could be - it could be the pressure that you can put on others when you have a clearly winning position on a particular issue. These can be the methods I have already mentioned - to interest, attract, bribe this or that person with something so that he does something that you need, being motivated by his desires, and not by a feeling of guilt in front of you. In other words, strive for what you need, not through touchiness, but through other methods of influencing people. You will see for yourself how many of them are more effective and practical.

And do not allow those who are offended by you to make you feel guilty towards them and feel pity for them. If you know that you are right, do not make excuses to anyone, do not look for an opportunity to atone for your guilt if there is none. Behind any feeling of resentment there is always some kind of human desire - the desire of the offended person, which he hopes to realize in this way. If you are this person, then you don’t need to touch the desire itself - you need to find another way to realize it. And there are many such ways. Touchiness, as I already said, is not the best best way influence other people. And if someone is trying to realize their desire at your expense, demonstratively taking offense at you and expecting certain concessions on your part, do not react, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. Teach other people to interact with you on normal, mutually beneficial terms, teach them to respect you, and at the same time themselves. Do not feel sorry for those who use pity as a tool of influence; such people do not deserve pity.

Thus, to get rid of resentment, find out why you are offended, what you want to achieve with your resentment, what your resentment will actually give you and how else you can get what you want, how else you can influence people to do something for you? These questions of yours to yourself will make your behavior more meaningful, that is, the way it should be in an adult, reasonable, prudent person who knows how to control himself.

Also pay your attention to the behavior of those people who have achieved much greater success in life than you - learn to react to certain situations from them. This is the easiest way to learn something - you just need to repeat after others, after those whom it makes sense to repeat after. So if you are a touchy person, you definitely need to start taking example from other people, from those who are not offended by anyone, but are looking for different ways to interact with different people. We all often find ourselves in difficult interpersonal situations when we need to use a certain model of behavior to achieve the desired results. Each of us behaves differently in such situations. Someone is offended if there is a reason for this, and if there is not, then one can be invented, someone is angry, intimidates and puts pressure on people, someone persuades and begs other people in order to get the necessary decisions and actions from them, someone is trying to interest them in something, and so on. There are many ways to influence people, as I already said, and, of course, you need to be able to use them all. But at the same time, you need to more actively master the most effective behavior, abandoning ineffective, childish, unattractive behavior, which often does more harm than good. Therefore, take an example from those who act effectively, practically, competently and beautifully. And leave touchiness in childhood - in adult life you will not need it in the vast majority of cases.

We all want something, we all strive for something, we all want other people to help us realize our desires and dreams, and we expect this from them, we expect them to help us. As children, we expected a lot from our parents and other adults, and as adults, we begin to associate many of our dreams and desires with our friends, bosses, wives or husbands, politicians, and so on. This is the problem with resentment - we expect too much from others and too little from ourselves. But in this life no one owes us anything. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s unlikely that anyone else will take care of you. Remember this and try not to be offended by other people, especially demonstratively, so as not to show both them and yourself your weakness and helplessness. Adopt a pattern of behavior that inspires respect and allows you to achieve greater success in life.

Why do people get offended? They believe that the other person should behave as they expect him to, while denying his right to independent action. Resentment stems from the desire to program another, from the reluctance to recognize him as an independent person. Having dealt with it, you can defend your interests more convincingly and effectively. What to do with resentment?

Overcoming negative emotions of anger and resentment

The feeling of anger gives rise to energy in us, which allows us to resist the invasion of our vital territory from the outside. This feeling helps you find the strength and correctly determine the moment to convincingly say: “Put my thing in its place”; "Don't interfere with my time"; “I myself know what to do,” etc.

If a person does not know how to use the energy of anger, it freezes in the form of such negative qualities as touchiness, irritability, envy, jealousy. Then the person becomes either overly depressed and passive, or aggressive, irritable, intolerant of unusual behavior patterns, and unresponsive to new things.

Grievances, on long time settled inside us, cause not only diseases of the physical body, but also provoke mental destruction of a person, degenerating into anger, intolerance, jealousy, envy, and then mental illness.

But why do people get offended? Because they believe that the other person should behave as they expect him to, while denying his right to independent action. Resentment stems from the desire to program another, from the reluctance to recognize him as an independent person. The very desire to program the behavior of another, the emotional reaction to failure, is rooted in childhood.

It is known that the expression of anger, as well as other feelings, is completely natural for an infant who, by screaming or crying, demands the presence of the mother when there is not enough food, warmth or communication for him. However, as a child grows up, he most often encounters the fact that his feelings are inconvenient to others, and learns to suppress them, instead of learning to transform them.

From infancy, adults can punish children for showing joy (“sit down and don’t twitch!”), fear (“it’s not a shame - it’s so big, but you’re afraid!”), anger (“stop crying, otherwise I’ll take your belt,” “how are you talking to your parents?!”), instead of teaching them to show emotions in such a way that neither they nor those around them suffer from it (unfortunately, most parents are not able to teach this to their children, because they themselves do not know how to do it) .

But when a child is angry, it is natural for him to cry, scream or try to hit someone - he follows his nature, since he does not know how to suppress his feelings. However, being punished for such manifestations, he soon comes to the conclusion that his feelings are bad and must be hidden or ignored in every possible way. Not being able to openly express, for example, his anger, such a child in the future becomes touchy, irritable and often vindictive towards other people - or he constantly lives with a feeling of guilt for experiencing something “bad”.

However, the child’s situation is further complicated by the fact that, having taught him the manifestations of various emotions and demonstrated their strength through personal example, adults are in no hurry to recognize the right of children to react to the grievances of their elders in the same way as they themselves react to the behavior of children or other people. Moreover, having sowed these emotions in a child, adults often immediately demand that they begin to suppress them, convincing children that this is called “good behavior.”

Suppressed anger seems to freeze in a person, being unable to either leave him or motivate him to take any action. This frozen, unexpressed and unspoken anger erects invisible walls in relationships between people, which then destroy these relationships. A touchy person is unable to effectively counteract in a situation where his vital territory is affected. In addition, he is under the illusion that this is happening to him because of his own inferiority or the evil will of another person.

The most powerful form of suppressing anger is hatred. It occurs in people who are no longer able to store their grievances and need an external object to relieve them.

Accumulated grievances lead to character disturbances, pessimism, insensitivity to new things, and increased vulnerability to stress.

When two people interact, the resentment of one is necessarily complemented by the feeling of guilt of the other; it appeals to his feeling of guilt. This guilt can prompt a change in behavior, and the “guilty” one does what the “offended” person needs. If the other is not capable of experiencing guilt, resentment becomes useless and dysfunctional.

On the contrary, having dealt with it, you can defend your interests more convincingly and effectively. What to do with resentment?

First of all, realize: this emotion arises from a collision between the expectation model, which a person “tests” to reality, and the behavior of another. This other one is definitely significant person, and the “offended” person has certain ideas about how he should behave “if he is my friend.” Deviations of his behavior in an unfavorable direction from expectations cause an emotional reaction, expressed in the form of resentment.

It is very important to be able to go through the stage of accepting refusal, that is, to allow the situation to be as it is, to get out of the state of merging with another person or the external environment. Move from the state of demand, which is followed by resentment if it is not fulfilled, to the state of petition or request.

Typically, a state of demandingness is typical for a small child, whose demands are rational - after all, he depends on adults. Growing up, a person needs to learn to ask, since no one is obliged to give anything to an adult; he can provide a lot for himself. In adulthood, his demands are already irrational. But many adults are afraid of rejection and therefore forbid themselves to ask for help, love, care, support, forgiveness.

Of course, a person who is able to ask must have a reserve of strength in himself - after all, he may be refused. But, having received a refusal, a mature person will not follow the path of resentment, but along the path of understanding and forgiveness. By letting go of the situation, we take responsibility for our lives and remain healthy and free people, experiencing lightness in our souls. In addition, by forgiving, we become stronger and can ourselves achieve what we expected from others, and for this we can thank them. Forgiveness and gratitude are an act of will that gives us strength.

All of the above can be represented in the form of the following diagram:

Irrational demands → Resentment → Illness, addiction

Accepting rejection → Forgiveness → Taking responsibility for your life

Request → Gratitude → Health, freedom

The exercise below will help you become aware of internal grievances and free yourself from them.

"Give away the worm"

If you change the word “touchiness” a little, you get “touchiness,” that is, you can figuratively imagine that a person who harbors a grudge against someone carries a worm inside him that is eating him up from the inside. In order to free yourself from internal resentment, or rather, from the internal worm, do the following.

Sit comfortably, close your eyes, relax and imagine that you are walking down the street. In front of you is a nine-story building. You enter the entrance of the house, climb the steps to the first floor and enter the elevator, in which stands the person who once offended you. The elevator closes and you go up. Imagine that you hold your grudge against this person in your hands, but this grudge is in the form of a worm. Look what kind of worm it is - big or small, thick or thin. What color and shape is it? The elevator rises to the top floor, you give the worm to your offender or leave it in the elevator and get out.

You go down the steps, and with each step it becomes easier for you. Now you have already gone down to the first floor, a few more steps, and you are leaving the entrance. The sun is shining outside, you can breathe easily, you feel good and calm.

Remember that you are in the room and open your eyes.

Answer yourself these questions:

Did you manage to give it to the offender or leave it in the elevator?

Did you feel relieved after you got off the elevator?

We have known resentment since childhood. Some are more offended, others less. And how many relationships, families, and what can I say, destinies she destroyed. It is scary because it eats a person from the inside.

This leads to serious illnesses, physical and psychological. Therefore, you need to be able to forgive.

Resentment in psychology is the response of an offended person to an action of another person that is unacceptable to her. It causes a feeling of hostility, you can get rid of it, the main thing is that it does not develop into constant resentment.

Some people do not hold grudges within themselves; they take out bad emotions on others. Others, on the contrary, close themselves off and carry them deep inside, not showing them to anyone. They smile despite adversity. But this is fraught with dire consequences.

As a rule, this depressed state leads to deep depression. Again, if this concerns a single offense, the matter is not so bad, but systematic offense is already a big problem. This is what the psychology of resentment talks about.

It carries powerful destructive force. This deteriorates health and relationships.

The main components of resentment:

Strong heartache. Arises in response to unfair treatment of an individual. A feeling of betrayal. Offended man says that he never expected this. The perception of the unfair actions of another individual in relation to the offender, based purely on the results of one’s own observation and analysis. That is, his pay for the same work is higher than mine, or his parents love his younger brother more, etc. It’s a long-term experience, and for some subjects it can stick forever. It can cause a break in strong family relationships. If this is a childhood resentment that remains unaddressed within the child, then it can subsequently result in a deep interpersonal conflict with parents. The ability to remain deep in the soul. Often a person is not able to admit that he is offended, which makes him even more unhappy. A feeling that the situation is irreparable. Blocking of consciousness. An offended person is not able to give an objective assessment of what is happening. It can provoke a state of passion.

It is clear that resentment has very serious consequences. This is a loss of meaning in life, apathy and even suicidal thoughts.

But it is worth noting that you can only be offended by a loved one or loved one. A stranger can only insult.

Before we start the discussion this issue, it is necessary to understand why it is very easy to offend some and difficult to offend others. The point is that everyone gets offended differently. Some have many pronounced vulnerabilities, others have fewer and are hidden. It often happens that you can offend unconsciously, touching a nerve. It may seem that the person is very touchy, but in reality this is not the case.

There are three main sources:

Conscious manipulation. This is a deliberate airing of resentment in order to get what you want, as well as to cause a feeling of guilt in another. Inability to forgive. This is an unconscious manipulation that is the cause of most grievances. A person does not understand what and why he was offended, but he knows how someone else can make amends. Frustrated expectations. Everything is simple here. Let's say a woman wants an expensive gift, but gets a teddy bear, or when you count on the help of close friends, but there is none.

More often people with disabilities are offended by people who are in a state of stress, quarrels, depression, as well as those who love and feel sorry for themselves.

So, what is resentment in psychology? This is a monstrous feeling of annoyance that arises from sudden human actions. That is why the phrase is often heard that this could not be expected from him. But if you learn to recognize people right away, then there will be no room for resentment. After all, when a certain situation happens, the actions you expect take place, you won’t be offended.

We figured out what resentment is in psychology. How to get rid of it? Read more about it.

These tips will help you overcome unpleasant feelings.

You need to learn to react adequately to any unforeseen negative situation, to use your reason, and not be guided only by emotions.

It is necessary to find the root of the resentment. People often wonder why they did this to them, but they should ask another question, why irritability arises so quickly. It is necessary to deal with your emotions and engage in self-improvement.

You cannot hide behind carelessness and joy. Because by deceiving others, you drive resentment deep into the subconscious. What causes depression and poor emotional state.

There is no need to be afraid to talk about your feelings. Share your experiences. This will help you rethink the past situation, get rid of resentment, and possibly prevent the occurrence of unpleasant moments.

You cannot fit people into one frame by placing high hopes, because everyone is completely different, with individual character and perception. You don't have to be treated well and loved by everyone. You can't please everyone. By learning this truth, many hurtful situations can be avoided.

If there is a deliberate attempt to offend you, there is no need to show a reaction. And next time the person will not do this.

You cannot accumulate this feeling in yourself, otherwise, when resentment goes beyond the edges, quarrels, scandals and even breakups begin. All nuances must be resolved as they arise.

You need to be able to forgive and let go of people from your life who constantly and deliberately offend you.

Do some self-reflection. The reason may be hidden behind your fatigue and irritation, overexertion, or old emotional wounds.

If it is difficult to cope with this problem on your own, it would be right to turn to a specialist for help.

It is clear from everything that it is possible to overcome resentment, the main thing is to use your mind and act quickly.

There is another good one practical method, which will help get rid of resentment. It's very simple. You need to take a pen and a piece of paper and write a letter of appeal to the offender. You should not restrain yourself in your statements, because no one will read it. Afterwards, you need to be alone in silence with yourself, rethink the situation, it will immediately become easier. Putting negative emotions out on paper is a great way to release anger.

As a rule, it appears in tandem with a feeling of guilt. Some are offended by something, others, experiencing remorse, trying to please everyone, try to correct a past mistake.

Before we move on to discussing the grievances of men (in psychology), let’s figure out why people are offended.

They fall into three main categories:

people living in the past; overly emotional; vindictive.

People who live in the past run the risk of developing a complex from a long-standing resentment. Let's say a man who harbored a grudge against one woman in his youth will experience a similar feeling towards others throughout his life.

People of the second type are able to embellish the situation and exaggerate the offense. And the most difficult thing is that it is almost impossible to convince such a person that the problem is far-fetched.

Grudge-bearers are terrible because they hatch and try to implement a plan of revenge for a long time.

Thus, we smoothly moved on to the next question.

Representatives of the stronger sex find it difficult to admit their own weaknesses. Therefore, they do not give direct answers to questions, avoid them in every possible way, or speak evasively.

The ability to disguise an insult well makes it possible not to notice it. But men are offended.

Let's look at the reasons:

Manner of speaking. Excessive straightforwardness and harshness can not only offend, but even push you away. You must always remain correct. In anger and the process of sorting out relationships, you should not touch a man’s sore spot. For example, if he is worried about a low salary, you should not reproach him for this. There is no need to criticize his masculinity. Men, as a rule, do not talk about the lack of love and affection. And perhaps the offense is a manipulation to attract attention. You need to engage in self-analysis to avoid such a situation. A person can be very emotional and impulsive. Perceive everything acutely, obsessing over trifles. In this case, it is necessary to understand that people do not change with age, they need to be accepted as such. Inflated self-esteem can cause resentment. When parents from early childhood praised their son, extolled him to the skies, and then the wife expresses her dissatisfaction, the husband will not tolerate this. He does not understand this attitude and is not used to it.

You need to understand that men are straightforward. They either tell the truth or simply remain silent. After unflattering statements, he may withdraw into himself. But this will not indicate resentment. Thus, he moves away and calms down, reflects, after which he comes up and apologizes.

The situation is much more complicated with children’s grievances against their parents.

Until the age of five, they are offended by any parental prohibition. At this stage, kids believe that everything was created for them and belongs only to them. As the child grows up, he will begin to understand that he is not alone in the world, and there will be much less resentment.

From five to twelve years old, children have conscious grievances. And their wishes must be listened to, because this can become a source of deep problems and misunderstandings.

Childhood resentment (in psychology it is considered so) entails anger, rage, desire for revenge, and disappointment. This is difficult to deal with, so various psychological problems which can affect the child's entire life.

They need to be taught to forgive early childhood to avoid big problems in adulthood.

Resentment and forgiveness of parents by children in psychology is vital important question. The main thing that adults should know is that you cannot ignore your child’s grievances. If your baby is asking for another toy, you should not leave, ignoring his cry. You need to explain why you can't buy it.

When a child withdraws into himself, this is an alarm signal. He must be brought out of this state by any means. Take a walk, watch a cartoon together, and then be sure to return to this situation and figure out what caused it.

Everything needs to be discussed with the child. It is impossible to keep silent and simply punish. We need to break the system: resentment – ​​anger – desire for revenge.

In addition to resentment, forgiveness in psychology is an equally significant point. Forgiveness is the most important thing parents can teach a child. Any methods are suitable for this: reading books, watching cartoons, singing, dancing. The main thing is that the child does not accumulate negative emotions. He may not be able to fully forgive his offender, but if there is no desire for revenge, this is already half the success. There is a lot of beauty in life, and it needs to be shown and emphasized.

But resentment (in psychology it is considered so) is not always a bad feeling. It helps you look at yourself from the outside. See those character traits that need improvement. After all, touchiness can arise due to chronic fatigue, depression, this is an invitation to change and rest.

We understood the concept of resentment in psychology, learned how negatively and destructively it affects a person. After all, an offended person cannot function normally and simply enjoy life.

But it’s not enough to understand what resentment is in psychology. How to deal with this? A frequently asked question that we will try to answer.

Here are psychologists' tips on how to forgive an offense.

You need to calm down and soberly assess the situation, imagine what life will be like if you continue to be offended. This is the psychology of people - grievances have a crushing force.

It is worth analyzing in writing what led to this situation. What offended you, what sore spots your opponent pressed on, because in this way he pointed out your weaknesses.

You need to start with words of forgiveness. Repeat the phrase “I free myself from resentment” many times and it will really become easier. The worst offense (in psychology it is considered so) is against a mother who interferes with building her own happy family. It is important to understand that she gave you life and forgive her.

Fight resentment with a sense of humor. The ability to laugh at yourself will help you endure troubles easier.

To overcome resentment, you can find the following advice in psychology: people often offend others unconsciously, perhaps this is your case. No two people are the same; everyone perceives what is done and said in their own way. But in order to clarify the situation, you can bring the offender into conversation and set all the accents, find out his intentions and speak out yourself.

Every person is capable of forgiving an offense. If you let it go, it becomes much easier. This is a complex process, at first it will be difficult, but then it will become automatic.

Resentment and self-defense (in psychology it is considered so) are closely related. Resentment is a certain degree of self-defense, thanks to which the offended person calls to himself special attention, a feeling of compassion, pity, thereby showing one’s “I”.

This is a psychological reaction of a person, the purpose of which is to influence the opponent. It arises due to the fact that the expected does not coincide with reality.

How are grievances and expectations related in psychology? To understand this issue, you need to consider three components:

Construction of the expected result. A person mentally pictures the outcome of an upcoming event. But, unfortunately, it does not always coincide with what is desired. People are different, with their own worldview. All problems have one source - the inability to speak. Instead of silently waiting for the implementation of the plan according to your own scenario, it is better to talk with the person, find out his wishes and find out about his upcoming actions. And if there is love and respect, this act will not look like manipulation. Observation. You need to not just look, you need to think about your expectations, perceive the behavior of another person, evaluate and criticize. Compare expectations with reality. You won't always get what you want in the end. That's why resentment arises. The more inconsistencies there are, the stronger it will be. You cannot impose your point of view on a stranger; he has the right to do as he wants. It is necessary to make it a rule that you need to rely only on yourself. If expectations are not met, solve the problem by talking about it.

There is no need to cause offense, they need to be warned. And it’s better, of course, not to be offended at all; it’s difficult, but quite possible.

“A real person must change, only fools don’t change...” (Word of Wisdom of Prophetic Oleg)

Some people subconsciously like the state of being offended. They cultivate this state in themselves in every possible way - they pout their lips, grimace, turn away and make a sad, offended look. They like it when people apologize to them, and this feeling gives them nothing less than a feeling of self-importance in front of the offender. But all people, one way or another, suffer from grievances. Then a reasonable question arises: why do they “turn on” the offense? Why do you allow yourself to be offended and insulted?

The conclusion is obvious - from lack of culture, mental weakness, unwillingness to develop oneself, to grow above oneself, to explore new horizons, to expand and deepen existing knowledge.

Another resentment very often arises when a person’s expectations do not coincide with reality. And if a person lives by emotions, and not by reason, then he is doomed to be constantly offended, because he will never live up to the expectations that he inspires in us from childhood environment- so-called circumstances.

On the other hand, the more educated a person is, the fewer prejudices he has in his head, the fewer instilled stupidities and unfulfilled dreams. The less chance there is to deceive, offend, humiliate, or insult him. For reasonable person He will only shrug his shoulders at such attacks or circumstances and go on his way, without stooping to the level of the offender or insulter and without giving him a reason to “add fuel to the fire.”

A wise person will simply ignore the offense and not let it into his mind, not allowing it to control him outwardly. After all, a reasonable (enlightened mind) person controls himself, and decides for himself how, according to his knowledge about certain processes, his body should adequately respond to external stimuli. And he will never be led by external irritants, which are the offenders or circumstances that are, in fact, constant provocateurs of grievances.

Offender provocateurs do nothing but try to unbalance someone with their caustic phrases, and then, like vampires, suck them out. vitality defeated (in reality this is what happens - a person after an emotional shake-up feels empty, as if his energy, his vitality, have been pumped out of him).

At the very least, it is stupid to be offended by a person who did not want to offend you, and the offense was inflicted by accident. But it is even greater stupidity to be offended by someone who deliberately wanted to insult you - this means follow his lead, which means being controlled by someone else’s will, and not by your own mind.

“People of small minds are sensitive to petty insults; people of great intelligence notice everything and are not offended by anything..." (La Rochefoucauld)

It is basically impossible to offend a person from the outside! A person is always offended himself! Each person must be personally responsible for his actions and his thoughts. Even when he is supposedly unable to cope with himself, being under any external or internal psychological stimuli. Each person must fully control himself, his emotions, his actions, grow above himself spiritually, engage in self-education, and develop his body. You shouldn’t stand still and look for any external roots of the problem without starting with yourself.

A dealing with resentment is not difficult, if for starters, at a minimum, at least realize that such a problem exists, and you cannot manage it personally. Awareness of the problem is already half the solution. And, knowing and understanding the nature of grievances and insults, you can easily take it, the grievance, under your control and not allow it to control you. Then you become the full master of your body, your emotions, your actions. No one but yourself can control you when you do not allow anyone or anything outside to do so.

The easiest way to neutralize any offense or insult is to ignoring. Another way is confusion. This is when you respond to someone’s insult with the word “Thank you” (God bless) and thereby ask for protection from your god or gods.

And the offender, meanwhile, will be disarmed and at a loss, since you responded to his attack supposedly politely and nobly, but he wanted to hear any offensive word in response, in order to thereby only add fuel to the fire and direct even more a powerful stream of insults. And thus managing the process, feeding on your vitality and laugh at you as a simpleton (burdock), who so easily succumbs to external influence, and who can so easily be controlled in the future whenever the offender needs another dose of nourishment. The offender’s algorithm of behavior will be broken, and you can calmly leave while he thinks about the reason for your non-standard and unexpected behavior.

It's always the one to blame who is offended, and not the one who offended. Since being offended is always the choice of the person himself.

“Resentment is for cooks!” (folk wisdom).

A simple and narrow-minded person almost always gets offended automatically, forgetting to use his brain to assess external influence and develop an adequate response to it. Often, resentment is an automatic, even patterned reaction to an external stimulus, since, being imposed from the outside and absorbed with mother’s milk from childhood, resentment continues to act as an embedded stereotype of a person’s behavior and controls it on a subconscious level.

It turns out a simple principle - “reaction - action”, and in our case it is “insult - offense”.

Is it possible to say about a person who is controlled by automatic psychological patterns that he reasonable? Of course not! And it doesn’t matter how much money he has, what his position in society is, or what age he is. In a developed society, offense, like alcohol or drug intoxication, should serve as an aggravating factor.

“He who is not too pleased with himself is easily offended...” (Yu. Krashevsky)

Is it possible to offend with a joke? A person who is strong in spirit, reasonable and constantly developing, never gets offended by jokes, no matter how hard the offender tries to throw him out of his state of psychological balance. He does not consider it necessary to be offended, since he perfectly understands the process of managing grievances and does not allow external influence on himself personally. He is above insults and insults. They do not exist in his life, and therefore they cannot control him.

But a person with a complex, weak in spirit, and stupid is constantly offended. A narrow-minded and unsure of himself and his capabilities, a person who, as a rule, considers himself worse than others, and thereby maintains constant anger towards other people, will always find a reason to once again take offense. Thus, he demonstrates his flawed position in society, and as the ultimate goal of resentment, he expects self-pity from more strong in spirit people.

Also a kind of vampirism. Since he expects attacks, offensive hints and jokes from everyone, he subconsciously believes that this is all he deserves. It turns out to be a kind of “scapegoat”. Often people get used to such a role and live with it all their lives, while suffering humiliation, insults and insults from everyone and anyone who is even a little stronger than them in spirit or physically.

Defeat the offense It is only possible through constant self-development. Being sober and clearly thinking, a person does not allow anything - circumstances or someone - the offender, to control him from the outside; he easily suppresses any attempts to enslave his personality for the purpose of external influence on it.

A reasonable person is not offended, a reasonable person draws conclusions!